Nancy Davis Kho's Blog, page 11

Caregiving When You’re Not Close By

This post is made possible with support from AARP’s Disrupt Aging. All opinions are my own.

The image of the sandwich generation – those of us tending growing kids and aging parents at the same time – tends to focus on people in my cohort, the 40- and 50-somethings who are in the years between being hip and breaking one. But I was surprised to learn recently that almost one in four of the 40 million family caregivers in the United States are Millennials – i.e, we are talking about people who might still be hip. To them, especially to those who live far from the elders who need care, I wanted to share some pro tips for being a long-distance caregiver.

Since I turned 18, except for summers during college and one 10-month stint in my hometown, I have never lived closer than 300 miles from my parents. For the past 21 years, I’ve lived 3,000 miles away from them. So when it comes to advice for caregiving of elderly relatives, there’s a strong argument to be made that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I should know: I make that argument to myself, a lot.

My brother and sister both live close to my mom – my brother is one mile down the road from her senior living community. They and their families are rock stars who will drop everything to take Mom to an appointment, stop by and see why her television isn’t working, or pick her up for a visit to her sister’s house. They can tell you from real, hands-on caregiving. (We are also blessed to have aides who drive Miss Daisy wherever she feels like going, and some Family Camp friends who live in her neighborhood and have basically adopted Mom, stopping by a few times a week with their dog and/or grandbaby for a visit.)

What I can tell you is that even if you live far from an older parent or relative, you can – and, I think, should – still play a meaningful role in supporting them. My siblings and I had to figure this out when our dad died in 2016 – what roles could each of us take over to help Mom, who has experienced some pretty significant cognitive decline over the past decade, and moved into an Assisted Living facility earlier this year?

I may not be able to drive her to the dentist office or take her to the movies, but there is a lot I can do from a continent away:

Coordinate her schedule: There’s nothing that says Mom’s schedule has to be managed from the same zip code. It’s just as easy for me to know who she is going out with and what days she’s available for lunch as someone who lives nearby. So I am the point person for all of that scheduling, and I just keep notes in my own calendar if anything is out of the ordinary so I can alert my siblings. Even with the time zone difference I can call my mom from Cali to let her know she has a movie date with her friend Anne just as easily as my siblings can. Related: I’ll let you know what she thinks of the Instant Family after Anne takes her to see it next week!
Manage her macro-finances: I love spreadsheets anyway, so it was easy for me to step in and create a model for Mom’s budget to share with my siblings. The first thing I did was set up as many of her bills as autopayments as possible so Mom doesn’t have to worry about writing checks. I have access to her online banking so I can monitor what’s happening. Once a month I do a summary for my brother and sister of where things stand, so we’re all on the same page. It feels good to spare them from having to do that kind of busy work that has to be done at a computer anyway – doesn’t matter what state the computer happens to exist in.
Give my siblings some perspective: I’ve gone from having a low-level sense of guilt about living so far from home to trying to see the good in it. One big advantage of me being away? I tend to recognize marked changes in my mom that my siblings, who see her so much more frequently, may overlook. Those few months between each of my visits mean I can see that Mom has settled into her new place, that she’s gained back some weight she had shed after my dad passed, that taking her off that one medication seems to have helped her energy level.

And when I come to town, I am there for Mom and Mom only. We get a LOT done: doctor visits, drives to visit old friends, and whatever else she feels like doing. I try to time my visits for when my sibs have work travel or just need a break, so they can go away and not worry about her. It’s good for me, good for Mom, and hopefully, helpful for them.

I just did my favorite long-distance support task of the year – made up a beautiful holiday/change of address card for Mom that I’ll mail out from California, so her friends will know where to send her holiday cards in New York next month. It’s not much, but it’s something less for my siblings to do, and it will make a difference for my mom.

Is she not the cutest?

It’s hard to go from being the child to being the caregiver in a relationship, and harder still to coordinate with siblings who may have different ideas how things should work. I am grateful every day that my sister and brother and I have mostly managed to figure this out. AARP has even more resources to make it feasible – check out the Family Caregiver Action Kit here.

And I’d love to hear your ideas for being a helpful long-distance caregiver!

My mom’s favorite song so now you have to watch it.

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                  Related StoriesDisruptive TechnologyOh No You Don’tMark Your Calendars – Fall 2018 

Squeezing the Juice Out of the Semester

Another day, another castle

Hello. I finished my book.

At least I finished this draft; it now goes to my editor at Running Press who will turn it into something coherent, but my 2.5 months of early morning writing sessions and late-night playlist futzing have come to a temporary halt. Which means I can pivot back to the blog and let you in on the thing that has given me total joy whenever I come up for air away from the book and the midterm election cycle: my eldest daughter’s semester abroad experience.

If you’ve been playing along at home for awhile you may recall that our kid a.) chose her college because it sent such a high percentage of engineering students abroad and b.) had her dreams of study abroad dashed repeatedly last winter. #NeverthelessShePersisted and Baby Girl has been in Dublin, Ireland since the end of August. What has she been doing there?

Living her best life. Living my best life. Living your best life. And for good measure, living the best life of that dude over there in the corner.

Throughout the struggle it took to find a program that would accommodate the academic requirements she needed to fulfill, we kept saying to her, “it will pay off in a measure commensurate with the effort you’ve put into it.” Uh, check that box.

In our weekly Skype call with her, we try to keep her travel straight. “So is it this weekend or next weekend you are going to France?” “Next weekend – this weekend is Belfast, and then did I tell you I booked a trip to Edinburgh? It was only £18 round-trip, I mean, how could I not?”

We try to recall who she’s travelling with. “Is it Caitlin or Emma?” “Neither, it’s Izzy who I met here in Ireland.”

We wonder where she’s staying. “This week it’s with Aunt Suzy’s friend in Paris and then next week it’s with your high school friend’s ex-boyfriend and his family and the week after that it’s my friend from college.”

She has discovered new passions. As in, a recent Instagram caption on a picture of her peeking out with a big smile from a Roman ruin in the north of England was, “I’m like obsessed with the romans right now…like don’t talk to me unless you want to talk roman settlements.” Also, Guinness. As this legal-in-Ireland kid prefaced a story to me recently, “We were at lunch and I ordered a Guinness because…well…I mean…I live in Ireland now.”

Finally last week my husband had to ask the question. “Do you think you’ll be passing your classes this semester?” Our daughter gave a hearty laugh. “I hope so?” she said, before moving on to a story about visiting another castle. Hey, man, her college only accepts the credits, not the grades, for study abroad classes. Working to get an A just isn’t a good allocation of resources when you can get to Edinburgh for £18 and a couple of missed labs.

As someone who spent a formative junior semester abroad in Vienna learning everything there was to know about hostel life, buying Gösser Bier for the equivalent of $0.50 from school vending machines, and how to see the Lipizzaner stallions perform on the cheap (hint: go to their rehearsals. Just as impressive and a fraction of the cost) she doesn’t need to convince me that she’s spending her time right. Added bonus: When we go visit her for Christmas, we will have the best-trained Dublin tour guide a person could hope for.

But is it too much to hope she won’t follow in her mother’s footsteps and move back to Europe when she graduates?

This had to be the video, because a.) she went to Amsterdam two weeks ago to see a George Ezra concert and b.) she’s spending Thanksgiving in Budapest. As you do. When you have one semester abroad and have to make it count.

***Thanks to everyone who has checked in on the California fire situation – here in the Bay Area we are about 160 miles from the devastation of the Camp Fire but the air quality is horrible and has been for a week…which makes me feel even worse for people living closer to the fire area. If you feel moved to help support the victims of these New Abnormal California fires, here are three organizations to which I’ve been directing people:Wildfire Relief FundCalifornia Fire Foundation which helps firefighters and their familiesUCDavis Veterinary Catastrophic Need Fund to help animal impacted by the fireThank you for caring about the Golden State***And finally, I am doing a reading this Friday, Nov 16 at 7 pm at the Octopus Literary Salon for THERE, a night of music and literature. Airing a whole chapter from the book if you want a sneak…peek?  Listen?

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CommentsMy Junior Year in Munich was awesome :)). Had my Eurail Pass ... by Albert JenningsThank you! Yes, I had to go back to that post in which I ... by Nancy Davis Kho (@midlifemixtape)I'm so happy she's having such a great time after so many ... by EllenRelated StoriesSqueezing the Juice Out of the SemesterMake It LastThe Nutcracker, Through 2017-Colored Lenses 

Oh No You Don’t

Here’s what you are not going to do.

You are not moving to Canada.

Or New Zealand, or Portugal, or Sweden, or any of the other countries you Googled when you saw that Stacey Abrams lost, or that Andrew Gillums lost, or – I can’t believe I am typing this – Beto O’Rourke lost to someone from Slytherin.

It is infuriating and heartbreaking. I do not minimize the dashed hopes and pain.

But did you really think that white supremacy and the patriarchy were going to lie back and take it in 2018, just because that’s what they’ve been telling the rest of us all these years and we finally sat up and got mad and pushed back? Girl, please. They haven’t even begun to fight yet. This was just a warmup.

Here’s the thing they didn’t plan for, though. All of us who morphed from dutiful voter in, say, 2008, to phone banker in 2012, to canvasser in 2016, to DEMOCRACY DEFENDER WHO IS CANVASSING, PHONE BANKING, DONATING ALL MY MONEY, AND BAKING COOKIES FOR POLL WORKERS FOR GOOD MEASURE IN 2018. Do you want to bet against where we’re willing to do for a more just and equitable future for America in 2020? I wouldn’t. It probably involves a cape and a jet pack.

They didn’t plan for the first openly gay governor to take office in Colorado. The first queer Native American woman to represent Kansas in Congress. The first Muslim woman to head to Congress. The first black Congresswoman from Massachusetts to be elected. And Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be the youngest woman ever headed to the House. The number of women heading to the House smashed records. Congress suddenly (and about a hundred years later than it should have) is starting to look like you and me. That matters.

Also, if you are at all like me, you are not just familiar with the candidates up and down the ballot in your county and state. You know the names of candidates who ran in districts far from you, because you donated to them, or you phone banked for them, or someone you know and love did that. I could not have told you as recently as 2016 who the candidates were in TX 31st, or NY 27th, or California’s 10th district. This year, I not only know, but I’ve read position papers. Even if I can’t vote for them, I’m pretty sure this is the model of democracy that the founders were hoping for.

And it’s not just us. I went to vote on Tuesday and the person who verified my identity was a 17-year-old girl I’ve been driving in high school carpool for three years. (Looking very natty in her business-casual jacket, I must say.) The person feeding ballots into the machine was my former agent who told me she had to do SOMETHING to preserve democracy. My friend Liz took her young son to hand out water and snacks to people waiting in line to vote, and he told her he’d do it again any time. My daughter peeled off six very precious pounds from the Guinness budget to mail in her absentee ballot from her semester abroad in Dublin. My friend Heather basically set up a nonstop slumber party/phone bank at her house for the last week before the election. As I was leaving it Monday night, having done calls to Georgia on behalf of Black Voters Matter, the high school debate team was showing up to do their round of calls.

We’re different than we were. We’re tougher. We’re more capable. Less idealistic.

You know this is going to take time, and money, and protests, and calls to our representatives. But we already know how to do all that stuff. That’s the bright side of 2016-2018: we got tons of practice at throwing sand in the gears. Now it’s just more of the same, and louder. Standing up for the vulnerable. Demanding truth and justice. Refusing to allow anger and fear win over love and kindness. Channeling the determination of the Americans who fought for civil rights and equality, as we face our own 21st century challenges that seek to keep us from a more perfect union.

I’m glad we’re in it together. I’d miss you if you went to Canada.

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CommentsReally excellent, Nancy. And interesting that I was talking ... by CarolynThis was fantastic and exactly what I needed, thank you. ... by LeahDon't put the red white and blue miniskirt back into the ... by Nancy Davis KhoBETO 2020 *pours more wine and settles in for the second ... by FloribundaYEESSSSS JUST TELL ME WHERE TO MAIL MY DONATION by Nancy Davis KhoPlus 5 more...Related StoriesSummer Lunch RescueMark Your Calendars – Fall 2018Oakland: Ready for a Close-up? 

Ep 42 Listeners’ Most Memorable Teenage Jobs

“Perhaps not ideal for a teen”: From the obsolete to the funny to the downright gross, Midlife Mixtape listeners share their most memorable means of earning a paycheck during their teen years. Something to listen to after you vote!

Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the Midlife Mixtape podcast – check him out here!

The post Ep 42 Listeners’ Most Memorable Teenage Jobs appeared first on Midlife Mixtape .

                   
CommentsI'm just glad I know who to ask for advice about decorating my ... by Nancy Davis Kho (@midlifemixtape)Was SO great to get Laura and Julie together. I'll see you next ... by Nancy Davis Kho (@midlifemixtape)Great podcast, Nancy. I loved all the stories. Thanks for ... by Sharon WeinbergHa! Great topic!! Your amazingly interesting!! Great to see you ... by Marybeth FitzsRelated StoriesEp 38 Listener’s First ConcertsEp 41 Parenting Author KJ Dell’AntoniaWhat Was YOUR Most Memorable Teenage Job? 

Concert Review: Christine and The Queens

The Band: Christine and The Queens, October 26 2018. CATQ aka Christine and the Queens aka Héloïse Letissier, a French singer and dancer whose androgynous beauty and ‘80s-tastic dance jams create a space of welcome and raucous joy for her audience. I heard a few of her songs on Sirius XMU over the summer and was struck by how they could easily have fit into the playlist at dance parties I went to in college. So I snapped up tickets to her Oakland show as a carrot for getting the my first draft of my book done, and started listening in earnest.

Can’t stop singing this one, even if it’s in my pidgin French. J’vais marché! I am going to the market! Or maybe I am going walking! Something like that anyway.

The Venue: The Fox Oakland aka The Fox OAKLAND Blah blah blah I always go to this very beautiful theater that is eleven minutes from my house so not much new to say… except that my friend Val Haller who was visiting from out of town and runs the Valslist music concierge service said “This venue is AMAZING,” so take it from her and not from me.

The Company: I brought along my two college friends Maria and Jill who spent a statistically significant time on the dance floor with me back in the ‘80s. It’s been a really busy fall for all of us and we haven’t seen each other as often as usual. We were especially inspired by Chris’ unbelievably cool, talented, diverse backup dancers. When they busted a few bars of “Rhythm Nation” and its original choreography, I may have had an out-of-body experience for a quick sec.

So we have come up with a plan: the three of us are officially available as middle-aged backup dancers, to spend more time together AND bring some age diversity to bands that play at The Fox. Call me for bookings!

The Crowd: You GUYS. Please. I am trying to be satisfied with my long hair but as per usual, the minute it brushes my shoulders I start wondering if I should go back to the pixie cut. And then you walk into a CATQ show and ¾ of the people there have these delicious short no-maintenance haircuts and it is challenging. (The other ¼ were wearing sequin bomber jackets so thinking about starting with that change for fall instead.)

Chris is a gender-fluid performer who has described herself as pansexual, and it is fantastic to see her audience see the tapestry and tilt of their own identities reflected in the diversity and badassery up on the stage.

I am actually good.

Worth Hiring the Sitter? Oui oui oui

I got home late Friday night and woke up to the news of the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting by a white supremacist on Saturday morning, in a week where two black grandparents were murdered in cold blood in Louisville by another white supremacist, and explosive devices were sent to leaders of the opposition political party by another white supremacist. Oh, and the government made moves to disappear the term “transgender” from our common vocabulary last week.

The grief and anger and fear are everywhere.

So I’m glad I spent the night before with Christine and her fans. Because I started thinking about how almost three years ago, there was a horrific shooting at a concert at the Bataclan in Paris, and how that felt in the immediate aftermath like we had lost a space to go for community and joy.

Yet three years later, not only are people still coming to concerts to seek that community and joy, they are coming out as their authentic selves in a way that was unthinkable ten or even five years ago. People of every shape-size-color-identity blended together in the CATQ crowd, united by their appreciation of a beautiful talent onstage, her amaaaazing back-up dancers, and the ability to rock a sequined bomber jacket.

You can try to define transgender out of government vernacular but in 2018, people are not returning to boxes, thank you very much. We are not staying out of concert halls or synagogues or schools and we are damn sure not staying out of the voting booth next week.

In other words (and this may not be actual French):J’vais voté.

***

If you’re in the Bay Area, I hope you’ll come out on Friday, Nov 9 for a reading I’m going at Book Passage in Corte Madera at 7 pm! It’s a fundraiser for Lit Camp – see you there?!

 

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Ep 41 Parenting Author KJ Dell’Antonia

“Soak up the good”: KJ Dell’Antonia, author of How to Be a Happier Parent and the former editor of the New York Times’ Motherlode blog, on Gen X’s particular parenting style, “disasters” vs. “situations,” and her #AmWriting podcast.


• KJ’s website


• How to Be a Happier Parent: Raising a Family, Having a Life, and Loving (almost) Every Minute


• #AmWriting podcast

via GIPHY

The kid’s performer that I may have enjoyed more than my kids did: Dan Zanes.

Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the Midlife Mixtape podcast – check him out here!

The post Ep 41 Parenting Author KJ Dell’Antonia appeared first on Midlife Mixtape .

                  Related StoriesEp 40 Headcount Co-Founder Andy BernsteinEp 39 Ballerina Aesha AshEp 37 Journalist Barbara Bradley Hagerty 

What Was YOUR Most Memorable Teenage Job?

We’re in the thick of college application season in this house and I’ve noticed a recurring theme in speeches from Admissions Officers as we visited schools this year: most of the jobs our adult children will perform in their lives have not yet been invented.  And that’s why you should come here, to University of Expensive, because we teach students to LEARN! Rah rah! Here, have a “free” pen with our name on it!

It makes sense, because at least half the jobs we ourselves did as teenagers no longer exist. Alphabetizing paper medical records in a dusty storeroom? Typing envelopes on a manual typewriter? Pumping gas for customers? Digitized/email blasts/self-serve. Thank god lifeguarding, lawnmowing, and babysitting can’t be done by robots. YET.

Which is why our teenage jobs and the crazy/funny/wonderful circumstances that surrounded them should pass into the oral tradition. It’s time to memorialize the myth and lore of those ‘70s, ‘80s, and ‘90s jobs that paid a phat minimum wage of $3.35 an hour and made us feel like we could afford anything off the menu at the Howard Johnson’s near the mall. (Bye, Howard Johnson’s. Bye, malls.)

And it’s why I’m making the next write-in/call-in episode of the podcast, scheduled for November 6, about Listeners’ Most Memorable Teenage Jobs.

There are lots of ways to tell me about YOUR most memorable teenage job!

Leave a comment on this blog post
Email me your story at dj@midlifemixtape.com
Send me a tweet @midlifemixtape
Leave me a voice mail right from your computer! If you’re reading this on your desktop or mobile device, you should see a blue button on the right hand side that says, “Your Most Memorable Teenage Job?” Just press it, and you can start recording with one click. I would LOVE for people to do this so I can use their actual voices on the episode!
Record a voice memo into your phone and email it to dj@midlifemixtape.com. Again, it would be so cool to hear and share your story in your actual voice.

As with the Listeners’ First Concerts episode, I’ll compile your responses (send them by October 31st please!) into an entertaining trip down memory lane – the PERFECT thing to listen to as we anxiously hit “refresh, refresh, refresh” on our browsers on Election Day.

Signed,

Former Typist/Travel Agent Accounting Intern/Babysitter/Lifeguard/Waitress (and that was just the summer of ’82)

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CommentsWorking at a pickle factory when I was 16. Most of the time we ... by Sarah BlainWere the call letters COLT-40?! Makes sense why you are a ... by Nancy Davis Kho (@midlifemixtape)My most memorable teenage job was my first radio station ... by LanceRelated StoriesBig NewsMixtape MemoriesWegmans FTW 

Ep 40 Headcount Co-Founder Andy Bernstein

“Power of the collective”: Executive Director Andy Bernstein talks about how Headcount.org works with musicians to promote active citizenship, Headcount’s rock n’ roll office hours, and the unusual way he earned cash money at his first concert.

Headcount.org website – sign up to vote or volunteer!
Verify your voter registration status – pass this link around!

If any nonpartisan, nonprofit GOTV organization was going to have a great music video, you know it was going to be Headcount.

Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the podcast – check him out here!

The post Ep 40 Headcount Co-Founder Andy Bernstein appeared first on Midlife Mixtape .

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Mark Your Calendars – Fall 2018

Poking my head up out of the writing foxhole this fall to remind you that there are a couple of cool events coming up  in the next few weeks that I hope you can attend!

Saturday, October 13, from 9 pm til the late night taco trucks drive away – I’ll be guest DJ at the Cat Club in San Francisco at 1190 Folsom Street, playing all your favorite ’80s alternative dance music. There are going to be extra helpings of music from The Cure and Queen, and we’re raising money for Planned Parenthood Northern California. So grab your friends and come out to dance for women’s health! You can buy tickets in advance or just show up at the door, and here’s the FB invite if you’d like to help spread the word. Look for me in my VOTE tshirt…

Friday, November 9, 7 pm – I’ll be reading at Book Passage Corte Madera to help raise funds for Lit Camp, the only juried writing conference in the Bay Area. Great slate of writers and some Lit Camp alum (like me.) I’m going to air some material from the new book so I hope you can join us!

Finally just a reminder that this year’s Litquake festival, and the Litcrawl through the Mission is fast approaching (October 11 – 20) and there are so many great writer friends of mine who will be reading their work – hope you’ll check out some of the packed schedule!

Ok, pouring a cup of coffee, cracking my knuckles, and going back in.

Next carrot I’m dangling myself as a writing reward: Christine and the Queens at the Fox in Oakland on Oct 26

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CommentsOh man! I am so jealous you are going to Christine and the ... by EllenRelated StoriesOakland: Ready for a Close-up?Adventure in the Tried and TrueSummer Lunch Rescue 

Ep 39 Ballerina Aesha Ash

“We are multidimensional”: Swan Dreams Project founder Aesha Ash talks about harnessing the power of imagery to challenge socio-economic and racial norms in ballet, being kind to yourself, and a dreamy first recital costume.

Photo credit Renee Scott Thaler Photography

Photo credit Renee Scott Thaler Photography

Photo credit Renee Scott Thaler Photography

Swan Dreams Project
Swan Dreams on Facebook
Kids Meet an Opera Singer video

One of my favorite Prince performances: a collab between him and ballerina Misty Copeland for “Beautiful Ones.”

Thanks as always to M. The Heir Apparent, who provides the music behind the Midlife Mixtape podcast – check him out here!

The post Ep 39 Ballerina Aesha Ash appeared first on Midlife Mixtape .

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