Caregiving When You’re Not Close By

Squeezing the Juice Out of the Semester Ep 43 Humorist/Playwright R. Eric Thomas

Caregiving When You’re Not Close By

This post is made possible with support from AARP’s Disrupt Aging. All opinions are my own.

The image of the sandwich generation – those of us tending growing kids and aging parents at the same time – tends to focus on people in my cohort, the 40- and 50-somethings who are in the years between being hip and breaking one. But I was surprised to learn recently that almost one in four of the 40 million family caregivers in the United States are Millennials – i.e, we are talking about people who might still be hip. To them, especially to those who live far from the elders who need care, I wanted to share some pro tips for being a long-distance caregiver.

Since I turned 18, except for summers during college and one 10-month stint in my hometown, I have never lived closer than 300 miles from my parents. For the past 21 years, I’ve lived 3,000 miles away from them. So when it comes to advice for caregiving of elderly relatives, there’s a strong argument to be made that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I should know: I make that argument to myself, a lot.

My brother and sister both live close to my mom – my brother is one mile down the road from her senior living community. They and their families are rock stars who will drop everything to take Mom to an appointment, stop by and see why her television isn’t working, or pick her up for a visit to her sister’s house. They can tell you from real, hands-on caregiving. (We are also blessed to have aides who drive Miss Daisy wherever she feels like going, and some Family Camp friends who live in her neighborhood and have basically adopted Mom, stopping by a few times a week with their dog and/or grandbaby for a visit.)

What I can tell you is that even if you live far from an older parent or relative, you can – and, I think, should – still play a meaningful role in supporting them. My siblings and I had to figure this out when our dad died in 2016 – what roles could each of us take over to help Mom, who has experienced some pretty significant cognitive decline over the past decade, and moved into an Assisted Living facility earlier this year?

I may not be able to drive her to the dentist office or take her to the movies, but there is a lot I can do from a continent away:

Coordinate her schedule: There’s nothing that says Mom’s schedule has to be managed from the same zip code. It’s just as easy for me to know who she is going out with and what days she’s available for lunch as someone who lives nearby. So I am the point person for all of that scheduling, and I just keep notes in my own calendar if anything is out of the ordinary so I can alert my siblings. Even with the time zone difference I can call my mom from Cali to let her know she has a movie date with her friend Anne just as easily as my siblings can. Related: I’ll let you know what she thinks of the Instant Family after Anne takes her to see it next week!
Manage her macro-finances: I love spreadsheets anyway, so it was easy for me to step in and create a model for Mom’s budget to share with my siblings. The first thing I did was set up as many of her bills as autopayments as possible so Mom doesn’t have to worry about writing checks. I have access to her online banking so I can monitor what’s happening. Once a month I do a summary for my brother and sister of where things stand, so we’re all on the same page. It feels good to spare them from having to do that kind of busy work that has to be done at a computer anyway – doesn’t matter what state the computer happens to exist in.
Give my siblings some perspective: I’ve gone from having a low-level sense of guilt about living so far from home to trying to see the good in it. One big advantage of me being away? I tend to recognize marked changes in my mom that my siblings, who see her so much more frequently, may overlook. Those few months between each of my visits mean I can see that Mom has settled into her new place, that she’s gained back some weight she had shed after my dad passed, that taking her off that one medication seems to have helped her energy level.

And when I come to town, I am there for Mom and Mom only. We get a LOT done: doctor visits, drives to visit old friends, and whatever else she feels like doing. I try to time my visits for when my sibs have work travel or just need a break, so they can go away and not worry about her. It’s good for me, good for Mom, and hopefully, helpful for them.

I just did my favorite long-distance support task of the year – made up a beautiful holiday/change of address card for Mom that I’ll mail out from California, so her friends will know where to send her holiday cards in New York next month. It’s not much, but it’s something less for my siblings to do, and it will make a difference for my mom.

Is she not the cutest?

It’s hard to go from being the child to being the caregiver in a relationship, and harder still to coordinate with siblings who may have different ideas how things should work. I am grateful every day that my sister and brother and I have mostly managed to figure this out. AARP has even more resources to make it feasible – check out the Family Caregiver Action Kit here.

And I’d love to hear your ideas for being a helpful long-distance caregiver!

My mom’s favorite song so now you have to watch it.

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