K.M. Alexander's Blog, page 29

Raunch Review: The Smurfs

Raunch Reviews is a series about profanity. Not real profanity, but speculative swearing. Authors often try to incorporate original, innovative forms of profanity into our own fantastical works as a way to expand the worlds we build. Sometimes we’re successful. Often we’re not. In this series, I examine the faux-profanity from various works of sci-fi and fantasy, judge their effectiveness, and rate them on an unscientific and purely subjective scale. This is Raunch Reviews, welcome.

[image error]Raunch Review: The Smurfs
The Author: Raja Gosnell & Jordan Kerner
Work in Question: The Smurfs (2011)


The Profanity: “Smurf”

I grew up watching and loving Peyo’s The Smurfs. I had Smurf bed sheets, pajamas, and more. The series holds a special place in my heart, which means it’s hard for me to tackle this one. There are moments in the original when the modified “smurf” is cute. It adds an air of whimsy which works for a species of tiny Belgian pixies. Things can be described as “smurftastic” or “just smurfy.” Or it can get more complex and verbs and nouns can be replaced; when you’re “going to the woods” you could be “smurfing to the smurf.” (All of this is detailed on the Wikipedia page.)

But, the 2011 movie The Smurfs decided to dispense with the charm. “Smurf” ceased replacing nouns and verbs and instead, the word mutated into a faux-profanity. “Smurf” as vulgarity is stupid. (“You smurfed with the wrong girl!”) As an oath, it’s even worse. (“Oh… my… smurf.”) And don’t get me started seeing its use as an intensifier. (“Up the smurfin’ creek without a paddle…”) Yet, that didn’t stop the movie from using “smurf” over and over and over in these contexts. Why remains a mystery. It tears away the whimsical and innocent goofiness from the original use and replaces it with a puerile gag that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s not even offensive in its crudeness—it’s just lazy writing.

This adds nothing to the world, and you could even go as far as saying it takes something away. Detraction is distraction, and that is always bad news on Raunch Reviews. “Smurf” in this instances does nothing to build the lore. There is no connection to the worldbuilding outside a shoddy mimicry of times past. It’s a clumsy intensifier at best, and one of the worst faux-profanities I’ve reviewed. Shame, boo, and… I mean, what did you expect?

Score: [image error][image error][image error][image error][image error] (0.0)

Previous Raunch Reviews

“Dren” from Rockne S. O’Bannon’s Farscape
“Quiznak” from J. Dos Santos & L. Montgomery’s Voltron: Legendary Defender
“Smeg” from Rob Grant and Doug Naylor’s Red Dwarf
“Burn Me” from Robert Jordan’s The Wheel of Time
“Slitch” from Robert A. Heinlein’s Friday
“Yarbles” from Anthony Burgess’ A Clockwork Orange
“Cuss” from Wes Anderson’s Fantastic Mr. Fox
“Feth” from Dan Abnett’s Gaunt’s Ghosts from Warhammer 40k
“Shazbot” from Garry Marshall’s Mork & Mindy and Dynamix’s Starsiege: Tribes
“Seven Hells” from George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice & Fire/Game of Thrones
“Mudblood” from J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series
“Frak” from Glen A. Larson’s, Ronald D. Moore’s, & David Eick’s Battlestar Galactica
“Jabber” from China Miéville’s Bas-Lag series
“Storm it”/”Storms”/”Storming” from Brandon Sanderson’s The Stormlight Archives

Have a suggestion for Raunch Reviews? It can be any made up slang word from a book, television show, or movie. You can email me directly with your recommendation or leave a comment below. I’ll need to spend time with the property before I’ll feel confident reviewing it, so give me a little time. I have a lot of books to read.

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On Time, Writing, and Conventions

This week, my calendar alerted me that it was time to volunteer as a pro and panelist for the late-2019/2020 convention season. However, this year, I dismissed those warnings.

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While I love attending my local conventions, I feel like right now I could make better use of that time to work on the myriad of books I’ve written that are currently in various states of completion. Gleam Upon the Waves is very close to being sent to beta readers. Coal Belly is still in revisions before I shop it around. My secret fantasy standalone languishes, and while it’s technically finished—it still needs some attention.

Conventions are a blast, but I take being a panelist seriously. I want to provide a quality product, and that extends to sitting behind the panelist table. Attendees deserve it—we’ve all sat in on an ill-prepared panel, and it’s a frustrating experience. I don’t like wasting people’s time like that. To do it properly means prep work, and prep work takes time. Time I should be spending writing and editing.

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It’s possible you’ll find me attending a convention as a fan and if/when that happens I’m sure I’ll announce it here. I love talking to my readers, seeing my fellow fans, hanging out with friends, and meeting all the authors I admire. I know I won’t be able to stay away forever.

If I leave you with anything, it is this request: you should volunteer. It takes little time to apply, and the worst they can do is say no. Conventions want experts and enthusiasts to share their knowledge and opinions, and it’s a wonderful experience. Reach out to their programming departments—you’ll be surprised how eager they are for new people. Fresh faces sitting behind the panelist table can encourage, enrich, and inspire. You could be a part of that.

As for me, I’m going to focus on getting new stuff out there. It’s been way too long.

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Garden of Horrors: Monotropa uniflora

Usually, when I put one of these together, we all get to make stink-faces and act terrified by some weird plant or fungi. In the past, I’ve shared this horrific mushroom thing, trees that bleed red, and this ugly worm-like fungus. Today’s plant is a little different. It’s not that terrifying visually, but when you realize how downright weird it is, you’ll see why it’s a candidate for this series. Meet Monotopa uniflora, the ghost plant.

[image error]Ghost plants, photo by O18 shared on English Wikipedia

They’re pretty to look at; Emily Dickinson reportedly loved them. Usually white, occasionally flecked, these plants can also come in pinks and reds if the conditions are right. And conditions matter to Monotropa uniflora. This mysterious fella is classified as an ephemeral (just like ghosts); it only shows up when moisture follows a dry period.

But, it gets much weirder. You see the ghost plant doesn’t need the sun to grow, and because of that, it can easily grow in very dark places (just like ghosts.) The plant—and this is a plant, it has roots, seeds, and flowers—contains no chlorophyll, which is why it’s most often white (again, just like a ghost.)

[image error] “Ghost Plant” by qkjosh is licensed under CC BY 2.0

We love creepy parasitic plants around here, and the ghost plant is also a parasite, but it doesn’t grow by feeding off other plants. Instead, the ghost plant feeds on fungi that are mycorrhizal with the trees in old growth forests (as far as I know, ghosts don’t do this, but you never know.)

Some people call these “Indian pipes,” but those people are wrong. This is the ghost plant. Take all of this evidence: growing in the dark, usually white and even translucent in places, rejecting the notion of the sun, spooky, and parasitic. That’s all very ghostly stuff—ghost plant is a much more fitting common name.

I mentioned earlier that Emily Dickenson loved the ghost plant, in a letter to a friend she once said, “That without suspecting it you should send me the preferred flower of life, seems almost supernatural…” which is a lovely thing to say about the little creeps.

Despite appearances, I think it’s pretty easy to see why the Monotropa uniflora belongs in our garden of horrors.

 More Garden of Horrors

Garden of Horrors: Lithops
Gymnosporangium Juniperi-Virginianae – aka – cedar-apple rust
Hydnora Africana
Pterocarpus Angolensis – aka – Bloodwood Tree
Hydnellum Peckii – aka – Bleeding Tooth Fungus
Clathrus Archeri – aka – Devil’s Fingers

Want to stay in touch with me? Sign up for Dead Drop, my rare and elusive newsletter. Subscribers get news, previews, and notices on my books before anyone else delivered directly to their inbox. I work hard to make sure it’s not spammy and full of interesting and relevant information.  SIGN UP TODAY →

H.P. Lovecraft’s Patriotic Poetry

Ol’ Lovecraft fancied himself a poet, and he had a bit of a Hallmark streak in him and often penned verse to national holidays. I’ve shared his Christmas versification in the past, and we looked at his Halloween verse. Here in the United States, our Independence Day celebrations are right around the corner so I thought it’d be fitting look at Lovecraft’s patriotic poem.

Ode for July Fourth, 1917

As Columbia’s brave scions, in anger array’d,

Once defy’d a proud monarch and built a new nation;

’Gainst their brothers of Britain unsheath’d the sharp blade

That hath ne’er met defeat nor endur’d desecration;

So must we in this hour

Show our valour and pow’r,

And dispel the black perils that over us low’r:

Whilst the sons of Britannia, no longer our foes,

Will rejoice in our triumphs and strengthen our blows!

See the banners of Liberty float in the breeze

That plays light o’er the regions our fathers defended;

Hear the voice of the million resound o’er the leas,

As the deeds of the past are proclaim’d and commended;

And in splendour on high

Where our flags proudly fly,

See the folds we tore down flung again to the sky:

For the Emblem of England, in kinship unfurl’d,

Shall divide with Old Glory the praise of the world!

Bury’d now are the hatreds of subject and King,

And the strife that once sunder’d an Empire hath vanish’d.

With the fame of the Saxon the heavens shall ring

As the vultures of darkness are baffled and banish’d;

And the broad British sea,

Of her enemies free,

Shall in tribute bow gladly, Columbia to thee:

For the friends of the Right, in the field side by side,

Form a fabric of Freedom no hand can divide!

The US got involved in The Great War in 1917, so it’s fair to say Lovecraft is offering up a bit of reflection for past events and the current situation in the world. I’ve always been a bit of a sucker for the whole national personification thing—it’s such a delightfully weird tradition.

Happy Independence Day, fellow Americans and happy Tuesday to everyone else.

Without Kings

“[The first version of the novel] was read by Terry Pratchett, aged forty-three, who said: hang on. I wrote that in the days when I thought fantasy was all battles and kings. Now I’m inclined to think that the real concerns of fantasy ought to be about not having battles, and doing without kings.”

—Terry Pratchett

This quote comes from the Author’s note from the revised edition of Pratchett’s debut novel, The Carpet People. He wrote that book when he was seventeen, and it’s no surprise that twenty-six years (and many many many books) later, his thoughts toward fantasy had shifted. As a writer who tends to work outside of fantasy’s categorical delineations, I appreciate this perspective. I find myself thinking along similar lines quite often.

In an article for Stanford’s Arcade, Rutger’s professor Andrew Goldstone explored this quote further and examined how it related to Pratchett and his writing in “Terry Pratchett: ‘Not having battles, and doing without kings'”—it’s an excellent piece and worth checking out.

Visual Inspiration: Marilyn Mugot

The urban landscape has long been a fascination of mine. Lovat—the central city in my Bell Forging Cycle—is my own love letter to the city form with its allure and optimism and the gritty shadows cast by those glowing ideals. Those contrasting juxtapositions are what makes the urban environment so appealing. I love the spaces between spaces, the often ignored corners where lives are lived, and the drama of humanity is played out. Whenever I find an artist who can capture that essence, I find that it enlivens me creatively.

“I strive to create a visual universe where fantasies, dreams and travels come together. Landscapes at night exacerbates a specific contemplative feeling which has encouraged me to create a new, obscure and sparkling world full of secrets and mystery.”

—Marilyn Mugot

So, it’ll come as no surprise that I’m an enormous fan of Marilyn Mugot’s photography, in particular, her Night Project series and much of the work she shares on her Instagram account. She excels at finding those small places and capturing them from angles that make me dwell on the city and its impact on our lives. There’s a beauty inherent within the urban environment, and in each of her pieces, Margot encapsulates those spaces with a cinematic quality, a touch of the surreal, and a subtle tenderness.

I’ve shared a few of my favorite pieces below. You can click on any image to view it larger.

This is just a tiny sample of Mugot’s work. I’d encourage you to check out her Venus’ Gardens series where she brings her iconic use of color to the natural world. It’s stunning stuff. You can see much more on her website, and I’d encourage you to follow her on Instagram as well. If you’re looking to purchase any of her pieces, you can buy prints from her online store.

If you like Marilyn Mugot’s work, be sure to check out some of the other artists who I’ve found inspiring in the past. While there’s certainly a theme to the art that inspires me, you’ll find lots of different styles, tones, and moods.

Brian Coldrick
Filip Dujardin
Sebastien Ecosse
Zhichao Cai
Yuri Shwedoff
Jordan Grimmer
Kuldar Leement
Marc Simonetti
Anthony Wolff
Robin Olausson

A Metric United States?

When writing Coal Belly—still very much a work in progress—I decided to keep my weights, distances, and measures in US Customary Units. This was an intentional decision. I felt that our strange and often confusing system fits a weird-west setting a bit better than a metric one—even in a secondary world. Feet, acres, miles, hogsheads, tons, they all just feel old-west.

But there is a modern simplicity to the metric system. It is superior, if not as charming. But, in the United States, we’ve resisted making the switch. Why? Well, Verge Science put together a great explainer video that goes into details on why we’re still using our bastardized version of the Imperial System, where it matters in society, and how we have already secretly converted despite our resistance. Watch it below.

*Gasp!*

Eight Years

Today is I Make Stories’ eighth year.

I don’t typically mark anniversaries around here (I usually take time to reminisce every two. hundred. posts.) but I felt that today it’s essential to pause and thank each and every one of you for reading and supporting me and this blog over the last eight years, seven hundred eighty-four posts, three books, and six manuscripts. What a ride.

Your support means more than words can express. I couldn’t do this without you. Thanks for following, sharing, and commenting over the years. Thanks for the emails and messages of encouragement. Thanks for buying my books. Thanks for leaving reviews. Thanks for telling your friends. Thanks for all that and so much more.

I’m sure there will be further adventures ahead of us, and I’m glad you’re here with me.

 

Popple: A Free 18th Century Cartography Brush Set for Fantasy Maps

Throughout history, we can find examples of cartography used as aspirational propaganda. After all, land can be easily claimed on the map where it might be more challenging to hold in person. Countries can seem more significant with slight projection adjustments, and colonies can appear more populated and robust. 1746’s A Map of the British Empire in America by Henry Popple is the perfect example of this—laying out the intent of the British Empire and her colonies in the New World, rather than the realities of the time.

I love this map. It’s a deviation from standard styles of the 18th century that I haven’t seen before. It manages to capture the wildness of a new frontier (to European eyes at least) in ways that cartography of the old continent hadn’t done before. The map itself was huge—nearly eight feet square when assembled, and the level of detail wasn’t something I could just ignore. It’d be perfect for fantasy maps.

With that in mind, I am releasing Popple an enormous brush set with all of these beautiful details ready to be used in your fictional cartography. I think you’ll dig it.

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Variety is what sold me. Each mountain and forest is one-of-a-kind, giving each area its own unique look. Plus it has wetlands! Swamps! Interestingly enough swamplands seem to be a rarity among historical maps—despite their near-ubiquitous presence in fantasy maps. (Guess we “blame” Tolkien for that?) One thing of note, it was challenging to determine what constitutes a town, or a city, or a farm. Since there was no key or legend, I made my best guesses based on my research. That said, you can use any of these signs however you like, my system is more to keep the brushes organized so you can find what you’re looking for when browsing.

Within Popple, you’ll discover over 400 brushes, including:

20 Individual Habitations
10 Double Habitations
30 Grouped Habitations
20 Small Towns
3 Large Towns
10 Small Cities
30 Medium Cities
15 Large Cities
10 Huge Cities
20 Missions
20 Forts
5 Border Forts (the sort you’d find along rivers)
10 Tents
6 Random Habitations
30 Scrub Lands
30 “Round” Forests
30 “Tall” Forests
30 Swamps
40 Hills
40 Mountains
30 Mountain Ranges

The button below links to a ZIP file that contains a Photoshop brush set (it’ll work in GIMP as well) as well as a set of transparent PNGs in case you’re using a program that doesn’t support Adobe brush files. I’ve separated them by type, Settlements, Flora, Small Landforms, and Large Landforms. They’re black, and they’ll look broken if viewed in Chrome, but trust me, they’re all there.

DOWNLOAD POPPLE

As with all of my previous brush sets, Popple is free for any use. I distribute it with a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License, which means you can freely use it in commercial work and distribute adaptations. While attribution is technically a part of the license, I personally don’t give a damn. All I did was convert these into a modern brush format, Henry Popple and his crew did all the real work—so if you need to give someone credit, give it to them.

Enjoy Popple! Feel free to show me what you created by sending me an email or finding me on Twitter. I love seeing how these brushes get used, and I’d be happy to share your work with my readers.

Meet Digit

Digit is a humanoid-ish robot designed by Oregon’s Agility Robotics. You might recall seeing it in a video from Ford a few weeks ago where they introduced their plan to disrupt home deliveries. In the video below, you can see the little fella doing no disrupting of anything at all, in fact, it’s just taking a stroll in its hometown. Not creepy at all. No.

(If you’re actually creeped out, fret not. We’re still a ways away from Digit coming to visit you under its own volition. You can see the guy controlling it in the video—he’s the fella in gray.)

As impressive as this technology is, I cannot help but wonder what people will do to a lone Digit in the wild, especially here in the good ol’ United States. We don’t have a particularly good track record when it comes to treating friendly robotos with respect.