Myunique C. Green's Blog, page 16

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Purpose. Not just Passion.

Not every experience that happens in life is random. There are moments that break you, moments that make you and moments that shape you–live for these moments. Realize that as time moves forward, growth is inevitable. The C is for Complex was written like a diary. A cleanse. To find the beauty in madness.

 

Enjoy The C is for Complex Free on Kindle until Friday! 

Narcissistic Abuse: A Letter.

I was a victim of Narcissistic Abuse for 6 years. I’d never heard of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), let alone think I could ever be a victim of it. I’ve been free for about two months now. It’s not something I’ve ever openly talked about, but, I’m in need of a cleanse. I have to let it out. Suffering in silence is never the best option. So, I wrote a letter to my abuser. Not that he’s going to care. I did it for me. For my sanity. For my peace. I wanted to share it because it may help someone else too.

Dear —, 

I held on as long as I could, despite how much it hurt me. You made sure I hurt. Everything you said. Everything you did. You never cared about anyone but yourself. I was your narcissistic supply, and you drained me dry. I was confused without knowing why. Couldn’t sleep at night, so I’d stay up and cry.  You never laid a hand on me, but somehow I would be in physical pain if I thought of my life without you in it. My chest would tighten. Breathing became heavy. Tears would spill like water over a levee. But you knew exactly what you were doing, didn’t you? The whole time. Taking everything you could until there was nothing left, so you’d leave for awhile and let me restock. Then, the cycle would continue. I was the Diamond mine and you were the miner. You did your best to strip my inner strength so that I would succumb to whatever you wanted. But you failed. My strength doesn’t come from me. God is my strength (Exodus 15:2). My shield (Psalms 28:7). You couldn’t have it. I pleaded in tears to my Father to show me who you really are. Reveal the monster in you. The person you do your best to hide. My Father took the veil off. I saw everything clearly for the first time. I knew cutting myself away from you suddenly wouldn’t help me heal. It would only leave me with so many questions. So, I weaned myself. I played your game. Only this time, I could see your hand. Anticipate every move. I cut off your supply, leading you to believe that our separation was your idea, when in truth, I never wanted to speak to you again. Oddly, I don’t have any room in my heart to hate you, and for so long, this old heart of mine condemned me. Deceived me. Until finally I found comfort (1John 3:19,20). This isn’t to try and make you feel bad. You’re forced to live in an endless loop. A hole. A void you’ll never fill. That’s why you project it on to others. I was in that place with you. It’s so empty down there. For your crimes, that’s punishment enough. My calling is higher; it was time for me to come out of it. Maybe someday you will too. I’m forgiving you. I’m forgetting you. I just wanted to leave this letter here, all about the one person you care about most in this world. You. 

Upcoming Projects

I can’t wait for these to be available for preorder! I’m just so excited about them because I really challenged myself to try something new. Even if they did still come out to be mystery novels. What’s interesting is that I really tried not to be one of those authors that just sticks to one thing. But, there’s just something about a good mystery that makes me actually want to sit down and see it through. These are also the first time in a while that I’ll be releasing full-length novels. I’ve been having a lot of short stories and poetry over the past years and I feel accomplished just by being able to actually call them novels at all. Pre-orders for My Side go live next month, and the official release date will be October 11th! Don’t worry, I’ll be here to get on your nerves, reminding you that you should get it. Oh, Darling won’t be available until 2018, but you can get your preorder in starting in November.

New Covers!

So, I’m excited to see the new covers for the Compulsive Series! I may be holding a giveaway soon, so make sure you’ve subscribed and be looking for an email!

 

He Proposed and I Had a Panic Attack

It’s another late night and I’m finding it harder and harder to get sleep as the days drag on. Summer Insomnia is really getting to me. I’ll start with a few things that are on my mind for a moment, and I’m going to try my best to avoid all tangents. I have three big topics: Television, Fear of Commitment, and Back to School.

Television

First, can I say that I didn’t think I would be into the Power series, but after being forced to watch it while I was getting my hair done, I must admit that it’s a pretty good show. See, I’m not a bandwagon-watcher. You know, the people just picking up these random shows because they’re popular for the moment, so they have something to talk about. Like Empire. Oh my goodness, I dislike Empire.

[image error]

There is a such thing as too much drama.

When season one aired, I sat down with my family and watched the first episode, I thought it was ok. I watched a few more shows sporadically as the seasons progressed and it’s little to be desired. In the Empire vs. Power debate, I’m going to have to give it to Power. The show is live and the drama doesn’t seem forced. But people were like seriously into these shows at one point in time, and me, well, I was watching Grimm. Not a big fan pool there. Also, I’m proud to say that I watch absolutely zero reality tv shows. None.

Anyways, I’ve been in a little bit of a funk lately. Really settling into my couch for hours of television. Which is just so strange. I want to blame my brother in-law for allowing me to leech off of his Netflix account. These last couple of weeks I have been televisioned-out. It’s like some strange trance and I feel the rot take over my brain. But I still sit there blankly staring. Being programed.

By the way, the new season of Game of Thrones airs in two days and it legitimately the only show that I’m super involved in. I have house Stark banners hanging in my house and a all of the Stark merch. I canceled every plan on that Sunday and I’m think about having a watch party.

The North Remembers.

Fear of Commitment

My sister has been really on me about dating lately. What’s even more interesting is that my psychiatrist told me I should seriously consider dating months ago. She said, and I quote: “Dating would be good for you.” When I asked her why, she told me in so many words that I’ve allowed myself to become self-consumed. I overthink. But, I also have “commitment issues” whatever that’s supposed to mean.

Okay, I know what it means, but I just hate admitting it.  [image error]

I have to be honest, sometimes I actually would really like a healthy relationship and other days I feel like I have a good thing going here. I’m at that in-between stage in life where it’s like, “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” and I start having a little anxiety because I see myself alone, but I also see myself having attained the goals I’ve set out to reach and I’m filled with glee because I actually did it on my own.

Somehow, I’ve always thought fear of commitment was a male trait. I’m serious. Until I got a proposal and had a panic attack. Full on, heavy breathing, gripping my chest, is it hot in here or is it just me, soul crushing, panic attack. I did say yes though, but I feel as though I was under duress, because that engagement lasted all of two weeks. That was six year ago and I haven’t been on a date since.

Let’s blame it on my idea of marriage being this forever thing, or, one of us has to die to break this contract. Like: “The only way out is in a box,” type thing. No matter what happens, you’re just stuck to this person. Sure ya’ll have good times, there’s no one you’d rather spend your time with, but then, what if someday there is? There is another person who’s more interesting. Or the person you settled for just turns out not to be the person you thought they were once all of the infatuation runs dry?

I’ve heard it all: “Well, don’t think about marriage, just get to know someone new.” Look, if you’re not dating with marriage in mind, and you’re just out here dating just for the sake of it, you’re the problem.

I really hate the hook-up culture. But that’s another topic entirely.

Back to School

Is it time already? My timeline is littered with my teacher friends getting their stuff ready for the new year while I’m at home curled up in my blankets rotating my streaming services. [image error]

In case you’re curious, it’s Netflix, Prime Video and DirectTV online. The Triple threat. No, I don’t get down with Hulu. I have a good thing going.

I’ve put off so much already and I have no idea what I want my classroom to look like this year. Which theme I’m going with. I guess I’m just not the overzealous teacher I was two years ago.

Queen of her Kind

Just one of those moments when you catch your cat sitting on top of the front door. #shrug

I Used to Have More Money, Now I Have More Faith

You probably never would have guessed that I’ve been living off of half my salary for the past 4 months. When I started my new position in the middle of the school year, I was offered a salary agreeable to my pockets only to find out a few weeks after signing the contract that it would have to be adjusted to reflect the fact that there were only 14 checks left in the period. What did that mean? They essentially split the money in half and shoved something at me that has been just about equivalent to what I made while working at The Home Depot. In fact, I think people working full-time at McDonald’s make more than I do these days. Okay, that was exaggerated.

The drastic change left me a little on edge about a lot of things. I started looking at my account and at the high bills that I had accumulated when I was making more and quickly realized that I would not have enough to sustain me. After all, I’m the only breadwinner in my household. Nysan needs me keep her fed. The pangs of this reduced wage didn’t really hit me until the second deposit of the month when there were no supplemental payments from the position I transitioned from.

I may have gotten depressed somewhere in there.

What I do remember is praying. Worrying. Praying some more. Just consumed by the thought that I wasn’t going to be able to make it. I slacked up on my job like: “Ya’ll don’t even pay me enough to sit here right now.”

Yes, I went in and talked to all kinds of people in administration because I just knew there was a mistake. If I had known this is how the game was going to be played, I would have waited to start next school year and kept doing what I was doing.

I was offered an opportunity that would boost me up about $100 which isn’t a whole lot, but something is definitely better than nothing. Then, they said it would take a few month to process.

People, I still haven’t seen that $100 as I write this.

Anyways, I continued in my funk for about a month or so afterwards. Finding my joy just really lacking. But I did my best at hiding it.

Any author will tell you, unless they’re bursting you door down for film rights, or you started writing and got popular back when people were still heavily reading books, the book market is shifty. There are high sale months and low sale months. But I guess that’s just like any other market. [image error]

So, here I am. When this all happened, I was speaking with one of my friends who told me: “Maybe this is God’s way of showing you that you can live on less? So that you can learn to put your trust in him.”

I didn’t think much of it at first. But then I started making adjustments. Relying more on God’s direction than my own and putting faith in Him rather than in what I had.

Looking back at it now, I have no idea how things were getting paid.

ARE getting paid.

Nothing has been sold, repossessed, or loaned. I won’t be getting my full salary until September, which I’ve found peace with. But there’s no doubt in my mind that Faith can make things happen. I’ve also realized that I needed a little boost of it. That’s how I know God is still working in my life. He knows what I need, when I need it, and the amount.

Having more faith is probably one of the best joys of this whole experience. That’s where I found my will to be happy again. I had to get out of my feelings about it. Besides, I hardly even notice it now. Although I kind of fell into the simple life, that I hear people brag about all about all of the time, it was a needed adjustment. I’ve experienced what it’s really like to live on less.

Now, my living on less may be different from your living on less. I may exaggerate a little. But the facts are still the same. Having to develop a new way of looking at your budget is the same too.

I pulled up some interesting articles about Developing Godly Qualities, such as faith, as well as other interesting reads about depression, anxiety and being happy with what you have.

Free Books All May!

Each week in May I’m going to be giving away FREE Kindle books! Beginning May 8th, A Pretty Girl, Her Tragedy, and a Chance Meeting will remain free until May 12th. Next on the list will be Deceptive, the first book in the Compulsive series and will be live May 15-19. The third book will be Bloodlines: Dead to Rights, the second book of the Bloodlines series, and will be available May 22-26. So, if you haven’t gotten a chance to download and read them, there’s nothing better than FREE!

I Just Want to Write What I Feel

 

Firstly, it’s been a long week and I’ve managed to only be late once, so I’m proud of myself.

I’m having emotions right now.

Like, a lot of them.

For instance, I just noticed how much I actually hate my keyboard. Maybe the keys stick, maybe they don’t. I wish I had my old keyboard back. Better yet, I think I want a new one. Who told them to bring this keyboard anyways?

I’m also very tired. I think I’m having the end-of-the-year blues. I don’t know if that’s a real thing or not, but it’s real enough for me. For the most part though, I’ve almost achieved everything I wanted to accomplish this school year. The things that were on my initial proposal.   Looking at my reports, man, I’ve done good.

But I could have done better. Excelled more.

That’s okay, I’ll come back refreshed next year.

These days I’ve been shutting myself in my room around two o’clock, turning people away. I found a note on my desk that said, “I *heart* Ms. Green” it made me smile. It’s funny how I never imagined I’d end up an educator. The whole idea just kind of fell into my lap after I graduated. Let me tell you, working with kids these past two years has been every bit of interesting.

Pretty sure I just need to get out of the city for a while. My life is all too routine. The good news is that summer will be here soon!

If you thought I was going to hold you long, you were wrong. I just wanted to make something short and sweet.

 

’13 Reasons Why’ It Missed the Point

Over the weekend, my grandmother and I sat down to watch a show that recently aired on Netflix, 13 Reasons Why, and although I did sit down to watch all 13 episodes, I didn’t quite walk away with what I think the point was aimed to be.

It’s interesting that the book, by the same name, has been around for at least a decade. But it hasn’t always been popular. It’s like this anti-bullying type deal.

I think that’s great.

So, while people are in the mood to talk about this problem, let’s talk about it.

They say the point is so that you will be accepting of people, because you don’t know what they have going on in their life. You should always be kind.

That’s true.

As a teen, I suffered with major depression. Yes, I was suicidal. I thought about hurting myself and hurting others often. Here’s the point I think it missed: People don’t really contribute as much as they made it seem. Because first, a person who is that depressed isn’t looking at life through the same lens as everyone else. The world is cold. Even the smallest little thing could make a person sink deeper.

I had my reasons too:

I was overweight.
Because I’d had to repeat the 3rd grade, I was older than most.
I felt unwanted.
Only people I connected with  were in books.
I had a vision of how my life was supposed to be.
My family didn’t have a whole lot of money.
Eventually, I developed a hereditary disease that made me so sick I’d get to school and pass out. I started losing so much weight I looked ill and weird. As a result, I dropped out of high school.
Post being a drop-out. I was a drop out.
I was committed to an institution for psychological evaluation that lasted at least a week.

When you’re that low, you don’t feel the warm hugs and smiling faces. The people trying to encourage you and give comfort. Life is all bad, all the time. Except for those moments when it’s not; and if you were in as deep as me, you know that those moments are rare.

Depression is really a state, or type of self-consumption. Why? You’re consumed with the idea that somehow you’re the problem. All of these things aren’t happening to anyone else.

Just you.

Just me.

Your perception of life is bleak. You don’t have energy to do anything, see anyone, go anywhere. Any attempts to climb out seem to land you deeper into the sunken place. (yes, that’s a Get Out reference). I think a lot more people are trapped inside the sunken place than actually admit it. That place is about lack/loss, of control.

If you haven’t seen, or read, 13 Reasons Why, here’s where I tell you a little about it. Yes, I’m going to really spoil the whole thing, so go watch it and then come back if you have to.

So, we have this sophomore in  high school named Hannah who seems to have started off with a pretty normal life. She’s new to the school so she’s going through the “Where do I fit in?” phase. That is, until she fell in like with reason number one, Justin, who kissed her on the playground and then told everyone that they went all the way. There was a picture that floated around the school, so then she got labeled as the school slut. She’s down about this for a while but then finds friendship with two other people who are new to the school too. They become reasons two and three. Reasons four and five slap on a few other rumors that essentially not only make Hannah the school slut, but also the school lesbian slut. Six and seven are your typical showboats.

I’ve gotten bored talking about it. For the rest, just check it out here.

Ultimately, Hannah ends up committing suicide as the result of being unable to cope on her own and the failure of a counselor to provide her with the proper resources or the advise she wanted/needed to hear. Before she takes her life she left behind these tapes that she wants her 13 reasons to pass around. The whole situation is sad, but it happens.

Moving on.

Should we gloss over the fact that in her wake, we end up with 12 individuals that aren’t coping very well? Especially Clay (who is our link to the present) because he starts to have walking nightmares and delusions.

Sure, she wanted them to hurt. Wanted them to feel what they had done to her. But is she justified?

Maybe that’s the part that bothers me most. The justification is almost like a trial.

“This is why I did what I did.”

Where is the beauty in that?  

The message is that we need to treat everyone with kindness so that they don’t go off and kill themselves in the middle of the day? If that’s the case, we would all be walking on eggshells rather than just living. Essentially, everyone is a ticking-time-bomb. 

HOPE. 

That’s the point.

Hope that everyday isn’t going to be the same. That your present sadness isn’t going to endure forever. It’s overwhelming. It’s unbearable. But HOPE is what takes the edge off.

The story or the book don’t really leave too much room for hope. Or coping. It’s when that essential hope is missing that you have the opposite, more crushing end of it: hopelessness.

I’m an avid writer of real life issues.

For me, 13 Reasons Why, is just a sensationalized attempt at putting a face on an issue that leaves you with more questions that answers.

If you’d like to read more about Teen Depression, How to Deal with Depression, or you just want to know Why Go on Living, use the click through links.