Mykey Robinson's Blog, page 3
April 11, 2013
Christian Forgiveness – Is it Done Any Different?
Below you’ll find an extensive excerpt from my book “Cheaper Than Therapy“. It is a book not just on forgiveness, for all people, not just Christians. But Christian forgiveness is such a big aspect of their faith. From personal relationships, to the very foundational concepts upon which a Christian is able to approach God, the common strain throughout it all is forgiveness.
The findings below are based on a research paper that I used for one of the chapters. Essentially, it found that there were 4 demographic groups which were statistically more likely to forgive. Older people, women, people who believed in the existence of a God, and Christians. I have added my thoughts on the last two groups.
I’m not proposing that people who aren’t Christians can’t forgive, merely I’m just proposing reasons as to why Christians as a demographic, appear to be better at it.
A take on the “To Err is Human, to Forgive is Divine”. I think I like this one better…
God and Consequences
A number of studies found that if a person believes in the existence of God (not necessarily Christians), they are more likely to engage in forgiveness. The study didn’t specify which god they believed in, only that you believe there is a god out there, and he’s keeping score. These people find it easier to forgive for one of two reasons:
Guilt
People who have a belief in a higher being may feel that they should “do the right thing”. Everyone’s moral code is different, but if you believe in a God, he/she probably expects you to be good (at least when people are looking).
Fear/ Karma
When people believe their actions will lead to a proportionate reaction, they are more likely to choose to be “good” (such as forgiving) in the expectation it’ll come back to them. A commonly held belief among people who believe in a God are that their actions result in consequences in their own lives equating to what they had done to others – a “you reap what you sow” mentality.
The belief in a cosmic cause and effect results in increased empathy towards others and an ability to forgive oneself when in the wrong, as you believe that one day you’ll be paid back in kind for these actions. But if this karma thing really is true, why don’t pigeons get pooped on? And for some people, even pigeons aren’t enough – flying cows anyone?
What is your moral code?
What would stop you from doing something bad that you could get away without ever being penalised?
Have you ever done something that later resulted in an equivalent consequence for you – either good or bad?
Grace and Passing The Debt On
“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.” - Will Smith
According to research I look at in my book “Cheaper Than Therapy” if a person regularly goes to church they are more likely to forgive than if they don’t. It appears that the beliefs of churchgoers tend more towards forgiving than those who don’t attend church.
Why do Christians forgive so much more than your average Joe? The study found that the Christian faith is strongly correlated with the ability to forgive, as distinct from those who believe in a God.
There are a number of factors that cause Christians to lean more frequently towards forgiveness:
Grace and Christian Forgiveness
For a Christian “believer” the consequences for the wrong things they’ve done are removed when Jesus died on the cross. As a result, they are expected to forgive others in turn:
“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” – Jesus
According to biblical accounts, Jesus sets Christians an example by forgiving the people putting him to death, as they were doing it, even though he was innocent:
“Two other men, both criminals, were also led out with him to be executed. When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.’” – Jesus
Christian believers are motivated by the belief they have a personal relationship with God. This concept is called “grace” – understanding this concept is pivotal when a person becomes a Christian. In doing so, a Christian then applies grace to other parts of their lives.
The central message of the Christian faith is that Jesus died to take the consequences for wrongdoing by becoming the substitute for those who believe because of his love for the world. This is the central tenet of the faith of a Christian “believer”, as opposed to someone who identifies more with the values of Christianity.
God’s Perfect Justice
Christians believe their God is perfectly just, and will see justice done on “judgement day”, which is the day where every person who has ever lived will have to account for their lives. The bible explains how Jesus satisfies this need for perfect justice when he dies instead of the person who deserved it by being crucified. In doing this, justice is satisfied, and yet people who fall short of this standard are still able to escape the penalty for their wrongdoing.
In forgiving, a Christian forgives a debt, yet knowing that one day there is an accounting for debts in the highest courtroom. It’s a similar concept to the way a company writes off a debt. They will write off the debt as bad, but the debt may still be paid in litigation down the line.
Community
The closeness of community in many churches that Christians attend means there is an incentive to work through an issue, rather than walking away. A rift can affect the whole community, giving leaders within a church incentive to get involved and broker a solution between parties involved. This doesn’t always lead to Christian forgiveness, but can help.
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Books On Forgiveness: Which One Will Help?
A simple word search on Amazon will help you find a few different titles that will help you. Alot of books on forgiveness out there are written by Christians, as it’s such a central theme to their faith. I imagine you may be one too. If you are, there are quality books on forgivenessby RT Kendall and John Arnott I can personally recommend. If you’re looking for a more secular take on forgiveness, I would recommend starting at Fred Luskin’s site. Look at the authors he does his research with, and check out their stuff.
Another, less related, but still relevant book is Rene Brown’s “Daring Greatly”. Although it doesn’t deal specifically with forgiveness, it certainly covers alot of the same ground, just using different language. Her TED talk is what put her on the map – you’ll find it here.
One of The Best Books on Forgiveness
Of course, I’m a little biased, but I would say that one of the best books on forgiveness on the market on forgiveness is “Cheaper Than Therapy”, by me, Mykey Robinson.
Cheaper Than Therapy is a simple, entertaining guide on how to forgive.
Not everyone’s lives have consisted of a conga line of brutal kicks to the face (in an emotional sense), but most of us have been through the ringer a few times, and some of us never really came out the other side. I’ve written the book for people who have tried forgiving, (perhaps even done some counselling) but they can’t quite seem to completely put their finger on the skeletons in their closet. Instead of looking at depressing horror stories of people who went to hell and back, the book is filled with stories of normal people dealing with normal challenges – packed with humour, practical tips, simple illustrations and exercises.
Why is Cheaper Than Therapy Better?
What sets Cheaper Than Therapy apart from the pack, is that it looks at the rarely addressed second half of forgiveness. The obvious question to ask is “What did they do to me”. This often makes some difference, but usually leaves you feeling like you just misfired on a sneeze – lots of huffing and puffing, but very little progress. The oft-ignored other side of the coin is “What should they have done/ What did they owe me?” (eg: when you say someone “owes” you an apology).
Based on numerous psychological research studies, Cheaper Than Therapy applies quantitative research to a qualitative problem of the heart, with revelatory results. Forgiving is an art form, which means there are no guaranteed, secret formulas that work for everyone. But as with any art form you can practice and get better at it. You can go from kindergarten finger painter to Leonardo DaVinci’s prodigy with enough practice.
About Mykey Robinson
I am an Australian writer and researcher, based in London. I volunteer at Trinity Hospice and Holy Trinity Brompton, helping the dying to forgive. In my travels I have seen many people get a fresh lease on life through forgiveness, getting free of acute fear and anger that has imprisoned them for years. It has a power to transform and renew in a very real and profound sense. Best of all, it’s “cheaper than therapy”.
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April 9, 2013
My Trip To Atheist Church
Last Sunday, I went to “The Sunday Gathering, a new concept in London, where essentially, people get together to do church bar one ingredient – God. It’s an atheist church. And considering my hesitations going in, it ended up being a lot of fun. Started by 2 comedians, my friends and I duly found it quite entertaining. They sang various popular songs (from “run rabbit run” to “always look on the bright side of life”), had a talk, a thought for the day, even a minute’s silent reflection.
We arrived half an hour early as it had been on national news that week, to be greeted by a queue around the block. That was something I hadn’t seen in a while. Church with a queue. When we were seated, there were journalists everywhere. It seems to be getting noticed by the world’s media.
During the “peace”, where we greeted people nearby, it turned out there were journalists everywhere. Mostly, the leading question was “why did you come?” I didn’t hide the fact that I was a Christian coming to see what it was like, a good answer, but none of the journalists wanted to interview me, so I think I need to come up with something a bit more colourful next time.
It was also filled with “seekers”. People who are looking for that thing they haven’t found yet. Life hasn’t given them what they need, so they go in search of it. They go places they usually wouldn’t, and get outside their comfort zones. There were a number of people, there on their own, doing exactly that. Most of whom had been to plenty of normal churches and hadn’t found “it”. I know what they mean.
The Sunday Gathering
My Thoughts on Atheist Church
Most of the atheists I have known in my life tend to be a bit angry, so to find a group of life affirming, church-loving atheists was certainly a different angle. In my forgiveness book Cheaper Than Therapy, one of the things I suggest people look for to indicate where they haven’t forgiven, is fear and anger. Someone being angry about a God who doesn’t exist seemed a little bizarre to me. If you don’t believe in God, it should be an fairly emotionless affair. God doesn’t exist… Next. When I realised that we sometimes need to forgive God, an angry atheist made a lot more sense. If I’ve had bad stuff happen in my life, and God is a loving God, these two facts can’t coexist, then God doesn’t exist.
The “Sunday Gathering” brand of atheist church were a different bunch. They were positive, entertaining, and open, if a little disorganized. They are trying to roll out other gatherings in the UK and across the world. I do wonder how successful they will be without a standup comedian MC’ing, as it would have been pretty lame without the steady stream of jokes.
Lessons I Learned
The way they’ve gone about kicking their movement off is quite inspirational. Through it, I realized that I can’t really start a movement on my own. I’ve been trying to change the world regarding it’s attitude to forgiveness, but I need people. I see that I need a team. I have a book, but that isn’t enough on it’s own. You have to have a tribe, a groundswell of people who are there with you, running alongside.
In aid of this, I’m running a book club next Monday in London, in a pub in South Kensington. If you’re interested, you can sign up on Facebook here
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April 8, 2013
Sign Up For The Funnest Book Club in London EVER!
Over the last year, I have been writing a book looking at how to forgive called “Cheaper Than Therapy (you can find out more about it here). Now that it is finished, and I have 50 printed copies in my hot little hands, I want to run a book club in London – to test it, and get feedback to make a better final version. To do this though, I need some lab rats. If you are feeling experimentally rodent-like, I would love for you to be involved, or if you know someone you think might please forward this onto them. I’m going to run the first book club in London next Monday night (7:00pm, 15th April) in a pub in South Kensington (The Duke of Clarence).
What You’ll Need
If you think this is up your alley, you will need:
1: To be free for 8 Monday nights (between 15/4 and 3/6)
2: £7 for a book
3: To read the chapter and do the exercises each week
4: Meet with a buddy (perhaps beforehand) and discuss how you’re doing on a more personal level.
5: Fill in a short survey each week providing me with your honest thoughts and feedback.
*Note: This isn’t a Christian book, so all are welcome. Each week will be recorded to incorporate into the book only, and will then be deleted.
Schedule (all Mondays)
15/04 Week 1: Intro & admin, buddying up, really lame get-to-know-you games (which you’ll then need to forgive me 4).
22/04 Week 2: Ch’s 2 & 3 “Know Your Destination” and “Why Forgive?”
29/04 Week 3: Ch’s 4 & 5 “Heart Vs Head” and “The Debt”
06/05 Week 4: Ch 6 “The Forgiveness Method”
13/05 Week 5: Ch 7 “Measuring the Mark – Who To Forgive”
20/05 Week 6: Ch 8 “Bringing People To Justice”
27/05 Week 7 Ch 9 “The Step Beyond Forgiveness”
03/05 Week 8 Ch 10 “Making the First Move” and farewells
Express Interest
To sign up for next week (we have a cap at 10), if you have any questions or want to find out more, my phone number is 07890776179, email is mykey@mykeyrobinson.com
Details of Meeting
7pm Duke of Clarence
148 Old Brompton Road
London, SW5 0BE, UK
020 7373 1285
*There is a snacks and dinner menu available.
Meeting on lounges near fireplace
Love,
Mykey
book club in london
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How To Forgive Someone: It’s An Art, Not a Science
It would be nice if we could all just pick up a formula for how to forgive someone, apply it to ourselves, and simply forgive everyone who ever hurt us. Imagine how happy we’d be! Our world is preoccupied with results “if I do X, it’ll result in Y”. Science sometimes offers us these quick fix solutions. If only working out how to forgive someone was that easy. It’s an art, not a science. It takes time and effort, and even then, the results can be mixed, but often spectacular.
I was at a dinner last Friday, and got chatting to another member of the party. He was obviously struggling to find his way towards how to forgive someone, and of course, as soon as I mentioned the book, the conversation went there (as it seems to do quite a bit).
What Does Real Forgiveness Look Like?
Finding real forgiveness is a subtle art. Living in Western societies, we love to believe that we’re masters of our destinies. With many, their heads tend to emphasize that they must forgive the person who’s hurt them – either because they believe it’s the “right thing to do”, or they know the unforgiveness will come back to hurt them at some point.
In this case, our friend, let’s call him JimBob kept saying he’d forgiven them, but displayed body language which implied he was still angry with them. He worked with them, so every day offered the potential for fresh wounds to be inflicted by his persecutor.
In my books on forgiveness, Cheaper Than Therapy, I discuss the “Fear and Anger Spectrum”, the concept that when we are hurt, it usually results in us feeling fear and anger towards the person, and future situations similar to this we find ourselves in. When we get to a point where we no longer feel the attachment of anger or fear towards people or similar situations, it frees us to make decisions with unparalleled clarity – do we stay in the relationship, or do we sever it for a time? Do we seek justice or show mercy?
Our friend JimBob was convinced he had forgiven them, but he realized that it wasn’t “heartfelt forgiveness”, because he didn’t mean it. He kept trying to override his heart with his head.
The test of where we’re at, is to imagine we bump into them in the street. Would you say hi, or would you cross the street and blank them? It doesn’t mean you’d allow any more interaction with them than that (they may do the same thing again).
How To Forgive Someone
How to Forgive Someone
Frame the Question Right
I usually start with making sure we’re asking the right question. Most of us look at what someone did to us. The action or words that impacted us negatively, and caused us to feel anger, fear or other emotions.
This is really only half of the coin.
The question we really need to ask is “What should they have done?” You see, in most relationships, we have expectations. The closer a person is to us, the more we trust them and the more we expect from them. When someone close to you lets you down, it creates a “debt”. If we can start thinking in these terms, we can start looking at all the ways someone failed your expectations of them, and forgive them for the times in a relationship they dropped the ball. It’s why we say “You owe me an apology”.
Forgiveness Happens In The Heart
Just like our friend JimBob, if you want to improve your chances of forgiving someone, you have to recognize that it happens in the heart, not the head. The subtitle of my forgiveness book“Cheaper Than Therapy” is Falling in forgiveness, because I believe that forgiving is more like falling in love than simply making a decision. It’s not as easy as waking up one morning and declaring “All is forgiven”. If your heart doesn’t agree, good luck.
This means that we’re looking at something that is more of an art than a science. You can do everything, but if you are deadest against it, you won’t forgive someone. Having said that, just like when we’re in love, we can maximize our chances of success. Let’s look at love for example.
It starts with preparing your heart, being ready for love when it sneaks up on you. You need to look presentable, but also deal with all of your baggage in past relationships to be ready to seize the moment. You can get on dating websites, you can determine to meet more people by joining groups etc. You can go on more dates. If you’re really keen, you can even Facebook stalk a few people (I probably wouldn’t recommend this one).
How Do I Get My Heart To Agree?
It’s an art form, which means there are no secret formulas which work for everyone. But any art form you can practice and get better at with time. You can go from 2nd grad finger painter to Leonardo DaVinci the second with enough practice. It just means you do it over and over again, work on your technique by learning from people who are good at it, and getting feedback on how to improve. Probably the most important elements are motivation, and repetition.
Hope this helps. Any feedback , email me or leave a comment.
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