Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 56
August 31, 2018
Evanescence Concert
***EVANESCENCE CONCERT***
It’s been a rough last few days here at the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household. A shouting match broke out, tears rolled down, and my mom couldn’t go to bed without a shoulder massage from yours truly. I’m not ready to give the details just yet, so please respect my family’s privacy. All I want to say for now is that I’m looking forward to seeing Evanescence perform at the White River Amphitheater on September 7th. Amy Lee’s beautiful voice is certainly a comfort to anybody with a broken heart.
Truth is, I didn’t buy Evanescence’s three studio albums until earlier this year. The only song of theirs I had on my computer was the album version of “My Immortal”. That song got me through a lot of rough shit over the years whether it was a pet’s death, a hot argument, or just being lonely in my room. My mom got me their symphonic album Synthesis for Christmas in 2017 and I have reason to believe Evanescence’s concert in September will be symphonic as well. I’m strangely okay with there being no mosh pits or wild behavior at this concert. Symphonic music is comforting in its own right, so I’m destined to have a good time.
Accompanying the band onstage will be a violinist by the name of Lindsay Stirling. I’ve never listened to her music before, but judging from what I’ve researched, she specializes in electronic pop and some of her own symphonic music. Even though I don’t listen to this kind of music on a regular basis, I’m also strangely okay with Miss Stirling being an opener for Evanescence. I remember getting some head-bobbing enjoyment out of Grabbitz (electronic pop DJ) at the Starset concert back in February, so this will be no different.
At the end of the day, it’s all about having fun and being in the moment. This concert will be the perfect way to soothe my worries and get me back on the right track. The 7th of September also happens to be the due date for editing Savage Beatings as well as the day after my biological father’s 68th birthday. Spoiler alert: I’ve finished round two of editing several days ahead of schedule. I’m counting on there being a round three and beyond, but that’s neither here nor there. Marie told me I needed more details, so hopefully I’ve done that. I’ll be rocking out in her honor since she too loves Evanescence and Lindsay Stirling. Hell, I’d take her with me if we lived in the same city.
But now that we’re on the topic of creative work, the elephant in the room, of course, is the lack of activity in the Incelbordination department. Yes, I’ve been busy prettying up Savage Beatings (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say), but the WSS still needs their weekly dose of Garrisonian magic (okay, that sounded self-indulgent). I’ll find the time to work on my WIP novel eventually. Hell, it’s not about “finding time”. It’s about doing the fucking thing.
In addition to fucking around with Incelbordination, I still have to rewrite the chapter-by-chapter blueprints for Beautiful Monster. After the radical changes Marie suggested, I’ve decided to rewrite the entire novel from the ground up. Tarja Rikkinen needs to be likeable, the villains need purposes other than just being evil, Windham Xavier needs to be distinguishable from other characters, and elves in general need to be distinguishable from their human counterparts. There are plenty of other problems that need addressing, but I won’t list them all in this blog. I have the new novel planned up until the point where Kody Savage force-feeds Windham a bunch of medicinal leaves and renders him unconscious. Medicinal leaves make more sense than psychedelic mushrooms. The question is, after Kody binds and gags Windham and takes him back to home base…what happens then?
August was a hell of a month, but September is yet another mountain to be climbed, both professionally and personally. But just like with other obstacles in my life, I will not only survive, but I will conquer with a scorched earth policy. Positivity isn’t about pretending everything’s okay. It’s about believing in your own abilities to improve your situation in life. I can do this. We all can do this. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’m so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. ‘Cause your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone. These wounds won’t seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed, I’d fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand all these years, but you still have all of me. You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I’m bound by the life you left behind. Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me. I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone. But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along.”
-Evanescence singing “My Immortal”-
It’s been a rough last few days here at the Haines-Temons-Stevens-Wilson household. A shouting match broke out, tears rolled down, and my mom couldn’t go to bed without a shoulder massage from yours truly. I’m not ready to give the details just yet, so please respect my family’s privacy. All I want to say for now is that I’m looking forward to seeing Evanescence perform at the White River Amphitheater on September 7th. Amy Lee’s beautiful voice is certainly a comfort to anybody with a broken heart.
Truth is, I didn’t buy Evanescence’s three studio albums until earlier this year. The only song of theirs I had on my computer was the album version of “My Immortal”. That song got me through a lot of rough shit over the years whether it was a pet’s death, a hot argument, or just being lonely in my room. My mom got me their symphonic album Synthesis for Christmas in 2017 and I have reason to believe Evanescence’s concert in September will be symphonic as well. I’m strangely okay with there being no mosh pits or wild behavior at this concert. Symphonic music is comforting in its own right, so I’m destined to have a good time.
Accompanying the band onstage will be a violinist by the name of Lindsay Stirling. I’ve never listened to her music before, but judging from what I’ve researched, she specializes in electronic pop and some of her own symphonic music. Even though I don’t listen to this kind of music on a regular basis, I’m also strangely okay with Miss Stirling being an opener for Evanescence. I remember getting some head-bobbing enjoyment out of Grabbitz (electronic pop DJ) at the Starset concert back in February, so this will be no different.
At the end of the day, it’s all about having fun and being in the moment. This concert will be the perfect way to soothe my worries and get me back on the right track. The 7th of September also happens to be the due date for editing Savage Beatings as well as the day after my biological father’s 68th birthday. Spoiler alert: I’ve finished round two of editing several days ahead of schedule. I’m counting on there being a round three and beyond, but that’s neither here nor there. Marie told me I needed more details, so hopefully I’ve done that. I’ll be rocking out in her honor since she too loves Evanescence and Lindsay Stirling. Hell, I’d take her with me if we lived in the same city.
But now that we’re on the topic of creative work, the elephant in the room, of course, is the lack of activity in the Incelbordination department. Yes, I’ve been busy prettying up Savage Beatings (there’s a sentence I never thought I’d say), but the WSS still needs their weekly dose of Garrisonian magic (okay, that sounded self-indulgent). I’ll find the time to work on my WIP novel eventually. Hell, it’s not about “finding time”. It’s about doing the fucking thing.
In addition to fucking around with Incelbordination, I still have to rewrite the chapter-by-chapter blueprints for Beautiful Monster. After the radical changes Marie suggested, I’ve decided to rewrite the entire novel from the ground up. Tarja Rikkinen needs to be likeable, the villains need purposes other than just being evil, Windham Xavier needs to be distinguishable from other characters, and elves in general need to be distinguishable from their human counterparts. There are plenty of other problems that need addressing, but I won’t list them all in this blog. I have the new novel planned up until the point where Kody Savage force-feeds Windham a bunch of medicinal leaves and renders him unconscious. Medicinal leaves make more sense than psychedelic mushrooms. The question is, after Kody binds and gags Windham and takes him back to home base…what happens then?
August was a hell of a month, but September is yet another mountain to be climbed, both professionally and personally. But just like with other obstacles in my life, I will not only survive, but I will conquer with a scorched earth policy. Positivity isn’t about pretending everything’s okay. It’s about believing in your own abilities to improve your situation in life. I can do this. We all can do this. I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“I’m so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. ‘Cause your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone. These wounds won’t seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There’s just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears. When you screamed, I’d fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand all these years, but you still have all of me. You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I’m bound by the life you left behind. Your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me. I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone. But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along.”
-Evanescence singing “My Immortal”-
August 26, 2018
Flight Plan
MOVIE TITLE: Flight Plan
DIRECTOR: Robert Schwentke
YEAR: 2005
GENRE: Mystery Thriller
RATING: PG-13 for language and violence
GRADE: Pass
Kyle Pratt and her six-year-old daughter Julia are flying from Berlin to New York City with Kyle’s dead husband stowed away in a coffin underneath the plane. Kyle takes a short nap and awakens to find her daughter missing. She goes around the plane asking everybody where she is and nobody can give her an answer. Upon further inspection, Julia Pratt was never even on the flight manifest. Kyle’s search becomes more frantic and her anger has the other passengers worried about their own safety. Has the grief of her husband made her delusional or is there a bigger conspiracy at work here? Nobody has these answers for Kyle because nobody onboard cares about her.
The mark of any good mystery is being able to keep the audience guessing until the climax. I kept watching because I genuinely wanted to know what on earth happened to Julia. There was even a time when I bought into the theory that Kyle was delusional. This is cinematic gas-lighting at its finest and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. While I won’t reveal Kyle and Julia’s fates, I will say that the movie’s harshest criticisms are misplaced. Some say the plot is over-the-top or confusing, but I don’t agree with that at all. Everything is perfectly clear by the story’s ending. A little cheesy at times, but clear nonetheless. Maybe the critics need to watch it multiple times in order to piece everything together, but the pieces are there and no stone is left unturned.
The one thing I agree with critics on is that the acting is superb no matter which character is being portrayed. Kyle Pratt is a convincing mother who just wants the best for her daughter. Whether it’s the tender moments they have together or the mother’s near psychotic search for Julia, Jodie Foster was perfect for the role and I wouldn’t want anybody else playing Kyle. Even the whiny passengers who kept getting on each other’s nerves had me convinced this was real whether it was kids slapping each other, parents wanting peace and quiet, or xenophobic Americans getting in scuffles with Arab passengers.
The one controversy I need to address as far as acting goes, however, is the portrayal of the flight crew. Apparently, their “rude and uncaring” attitudes painted actual fight attendants in a negative light. I personally don’t see this as a blanket statement. I see it as an intricate part of this well-crafted mystery. Everybody is supposed to be against Kyle Pratt because they think she’s crazy. Why should the flight crew be any different than the passengers who clapped for her getting handcuffed by the air marshal? While Kyle’s anger is well-placed, if taken out of context, it would be annoying to a bunch of passengers who’ve been on the plane for north of six hours. I’ve been on irritating flights before and I was seething deep inside, just like any rational person would be. Don’t look for controversy where there is none. We’re all human and we all get angry.
The movie received mixed reviews from critics, but I happened to find Flight Plan to my liking. I went into the movie expecting to be on the edge of my seat and that’s exactly what happened. Sure, Flight Plan isn’t anything mind-blowing or overly-philosophical, but it doesn’t have to be. Not every cinematic masterpiece has to be deep and profound. Sometimes it’s just meant to be enjoyed. Flight Plan gets a passing grade from little old me.
DIRECTOR: Robert Schwentke
YEAR: 2005
GENRE: Mystery Thriller
RATING: PG-13 for language and violence
GRADE: Pass
Kyle Pratt and her six-year-old daughter Julia are flying from Berlin to New York City with Kyle’s dead husband stowed away in a coffin underneath the plane. Kyle takes a short nap and awakens to find her daughter missing. She goes around the plane asking everybody where she is and nobody can give her an answer. Upon further inspection, Julia Pratt was never even on the flight manifest. Kyle’s search becomes more frantic and her anger has the other passengers worried about their own safety. Has the grief of her husband made her delusional or is there a bigger conspiracy at work here? Nobody has these answers for Kyle because nobody onboard cares about her.
The mark of any good mystery is being able to keep the audience guessing until the climax. I kept watching because I genuinely wanted to know what on earth happened to Julia. There was even a time when I bought into the theory that Kyle was delusional. This is cinematic gas-lighting at its finest and I fell for it hook, line, and sinker. While I won’t reveal Kyle and Julia’s fates, I will say that the movie’s harshest criticisms are misplaced. Some say the plot is over-the-top or confusing, but I don’t agree with that at all. Everything is perfectly clear by the story’s ending. A little cheesy at times, but clear nonetheless. Maybe the critics need to watch it multiple times in order to piece everything together, but the pieces are there and no stone is left unturned.
The one thing I agree with critics on is that the acting is superb no matter which character is being portrayed. Kyle Pratt is a convincing mother who just wants the best for her daughter. Whether it’s the tender moments they have together or the mother’s near psychotic search for Julia, Jodie Foster was perfect for the role and I wouldn’t want anybody else playing Kyle. Even the whiny passengers who kept getting on each other’s nerves had me convinced this was real whether it was kids slapping each other, parents wanting peace and quiet, or xenophobic Americans getting in scuffles with Arab passengers.
The one controversy I need to address as far as acting goes, however, is the portrayal of the flight crew. Apparently, their “rude and uncaring” attitudes painted actual fight attendants in a negative light. I personally don’t see this as a blanket statement. I see it as an intricate part of this well-crafted mystery. Everybody is supposed to be against Kyle Pratt because they think she’s crazy. Why should the flight crew be any different than the passengers who clapped for her getting handcuffed by the air marshal? While Kyle’s anger is well-placed, if taken out of context, it would be annoying to a bunch of passengers who’ve been on the plane for north of six hours. I’ve been on irritating flights before and I was seething deep inside, just like any rational person would be. Don’t look for controversy where there is none. We’re all human and we all get angry.
The movie received mixed reviews from critics, but I happened to find Flight Plan to my liking. I went into the movie expecting to be on the edge of my seat and that’s exactly what happened. Sure, Flight Plan isn’t anything mind-blowing or overly-philosophical, but it doesn’t have to be. Not every cinematic masterpiece has to be deep and profound. Sometimes it’s just meant to be enjoyed. Flight Plan gets a passing grade from little old me.
August 22, 2018
Stupid Rabbit
***STUPID RABBIT***
It’s no secret that Looney Tunes had a huge influence on me as a kid and still does as an adult. Many of my Poison Tongue Tales entries have been compared to Looney Tunes cartoons and I take that as a compliment. My mom is also a Looney Tunes fan, so much so that I got her a DVD collection of the cartoons as a Mother’s Day present one year. I guess you could say that it’s a family tradition to be a fan of this genre. That’s why when I saw a You Tube video of Yosemite Sam’s piano bomb prank on Bugs Bunny, I had to make it a part of my motivational self-talk.
What happens in this cartoon is Yosemite Sam rigs a grand piano with dynamite that’s set to go off when a certain key is struck. He then challenges Bugs Bunny to play a song on that piano where one of the notes is the detonation key. Bugs cracks his knuckles and plays the song without striking the key. Furious, Yosemite Sam yells, “No, that’s not it! Try again!” Bugs tries again and still fails to hit the trigger key. Sam then screams, “Oh, you stupid rabbit! Like this!” Although Sam played it the correct way, he triggered his own trap and blew his facial hair off. This piano bomb gag was common in Warner Brothers cartoons, but Yosemite Sam’s version is the one that sticks out to me the most.
Now whenever I make a grave mistake in either my writing or my drawings, I mentally yell to myself in Yosemite Sam’s voice, “No, you stupid rabbit! Try again!” It sounds negative on the surface, but it’s Yosemite Sam’s voice, so it’s actually a giggly form of motivation. And it’s true: in the world of creative work where introversion is the key to getting shit done, you get an endless supply of chances to make things right. You’ve written a first draft novel? Try again! You’ve miscalculated the limbs on a drawing? Try again, you stupid rabbit! Although, you won’t ever have to worry about your keyboard or colored pencils being hooked up to a bomb.
In a world where everybody is telling artists to give up and get STEM jobs, you need as much positive motivation as you can possibly get. Even though Yosemite Sam is yelling “Stupid rabbit”, I get a chuckle out of it instead of getting down in the dumps. Being able to laugh at yourself is the most powerful thing you can do as an artist. If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
Although having a massive ego is completely natural (we all have one whether we admit it or not), being able to tame that ravenous beast is one hundred percent necessary. That doesn’t mean you can’t believe in your own ability to improve. It just means that not all critical advice is bad. I paid Marie Krepps to critique Beautiful Monster and she delivered the goods and more. Now I’m contemplating rewriting the whole story from scratch to accommodate the radical changes she suggested. And while I’m doing it, I’ll be hearing Yosemite Sam’s voice echo in my brain.
“No, you stupid rabbit! Try again!”
You have no fucking idea how good that feels. I love the Looney Tunes, damn it! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!
***PROVERB OF THE DAY***
“There are two motives for reading a book. One, that you can enjoy it. The other, that you can boast about it.”
-Bertrand Russell-
It’s no secret that Looney Tunes had a huge influence on me as a kid and still does as an adult. Many of my Poison Tongue Tales entries have been compared to Looney Tunes cartoons and I take that as a compliment. My mom is also a Looney Tunes fan, so much so that I got her a DVD collection of the cartoons as a Mother’s Day present one year. I guess you could say that it’s a family tradition to be a fan of this genre. That’s why when I saw a You Tube video of Yosemite Sam’s piano bomb prank on Bugs Bunny, I had to make it a part of my motivational self-talk.
What happens in this cartoon is Yosemite Sam rigs a grand piano with dynamite that’s set to go off when a certain key is struck. He then challenges Bugs Bunny to play a song on that piano where one of the notes is the detonation key. Bugs cracks his knuckles and plays the song without striking the key. Furious, Yosemite Sam yells, “No, that’s not it! Try again!” Bugs tries again and still fails to hit the trigger key. Sam then screams, “Oh, you stupid rabbit! Like this!” Although Sam played it the correct way, he triggered his own trap and blew his facial hair off. This piano bomb gag was common in Warner Brothers cartoons, but Yosemite Sam’s version is the one that sticks out to me the most.
Now whenever I make a grave mistake in either my writing or my drawings, I mentally yell to myself in Yosemite Sam’s voice, “No, you stupid rabbit! Try again!” It sounds negative on the surface, but it’s Yosemite Sam’s voice, so it’s actually a giggly form of motivation. And it’s true: in the world of creative work where introversion is the key to getting shit done, you get an endless supply of chances to make things right. You’ve written a first draft novel? Try again! You’ve miscalculated the limbs on a drawing? Try again, you stupid rabbit! Although, you won’t ever have to worry about your keyboard or colored pencils being hooked up to a bomb.
In a world where everybody is telling artists to give up and get STEM jobs, you need as much positive motivation as you can possibly get. Even though Yosemite Sam is yelling “Stupid rabbit”, I get a chuckle out of it instead of getting down in the dumps. Being able to laugh at yourself is the most powerful thing you can do as an artist. If you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?
Although having a massive ego is completely natural (we all have one whether we admit it or not), being able to tame that ravenous beast is one hundred percent necessary. That doesn’t mean you can’t believe in your own ability to improve. It just means that not all critical advice is bad. I paid Marie Krepps to critique Beautiful Monster and she delivered the goods and more. Now I’m contemplating rewriting the whole story from scratch to accommodate the radical changes she suggested. And while I’m doing it, I’ll be hearing Yosemite Sam’s voice echo in my brain.
“No, you stupid rabbit! Try again!”
You have no fucking idea how good that feels. I love the Looney Tunes, damn it! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain!
***PROVERB OF THE DAY***
“There are two motives for reading a book. One, that you can enjoy it. The other, that you can boast about it.”
-Bertrand Russell-
Incelbordination, Chapter 11
“Oswald Roman Crow (ORC?), you’re under arrest for drug possession and conspiracy to commit terrorism. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to legal counsel. If you cannot afford your own attorney, the government will provide you with a public defender. Do you understand each of these rights as I’ve read them to you?”
“…It’s eleven o’clock at night. Give me a fucking break.”
“Fair enough. Come on, let’s go.”
Still exhausted from his temper tantrum, Oswald couldn’t even find it in his soul to resist Detective Mia Barry’s arrest. Then again, how could he with all of his injuries? Even the tightness of his handcuffs counted as an injury to him. Things got so painful for him that he had to be given a piggyback ride to the cop car, which wasn’t nearly as humiliating under Nikita’s guidance. “Goddamn Nikita…” Oswald thought.
Mere minutes later, the dwarf found himself with fresh bandages staring across a steel table from Mia, whose arms remained folded and face remained stoic throughout this process. He could barely see over the table, but he felt every inch of his interrogator’s mile long stare. He didn’t have the disadvantage of seeing this horrifying look during their first car ride together. Now the dwarf’s lips were trembling as he tried his hardest not to break. He remembered the “making you sweat” line and tried to steel his nerves.
“…Drug possession…and conspiracy to commit terrorism…wow, Oswald. Wow! It finally gave me a reason to look at your file a little more carefully. I had no idea your middle name was Roman. Your initials are…”
“Save it, Detective, I’ve heard that joke a thousand times and I’m fucking sick of it!” The sudden loudness in his own voice sent a wave of hot pain through his body, bandages and antibiotics be damned.
“Okay, I can live with that,” said Mia, still stoic as ever. “But here’s what I can’t live with: locking up a young man like you over the world’s biggest mistakes. It’s my least favorite part of the job, but it must be done if we’re to get any answers regarding your connections.”
The dwarf gave a flabbergasted smile and shrugged. “Connections? What connections? I told you, I’ve got nothing to do with Incelbordination! We’ve been over this shit many times already! Sure, they gave me a chance, then I turned away as soon as I saw how sick these people really are! Write that in your little file!”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Crow, I plan on doing so. I also plan on writing all about how you refuse to cooperate with us because of your dirty little secret. You know the one. The secret you wouldn’t spill to one Nikita Johnson?”
“That bitch!” Oswald said in a low whisper.
“Excuse me?” said Mia with raised eyebrows.
“Look, I told her the same thing I tell everybody else when they see me smoke that shit: I have a prescription for it. I’m depressed and anxious. You can ask my doctor if you don’t fucking believe me!”
“Well, that’s funny,” said Mia as she gently cleared her throat. “Because when we tried to get in touch with your doctor, he appeared to be on vacation. His receptionist didn’t seem too eager to tell me where. I figured it was somewhere in Jamaica, South America, or maybe even Mexico. Maybe.”
“It’s one hundred percent legal, damn it!” Oswald pounded the desk with his fist and completely forgot it was bandaged up for a reason. The cries of pain suggested he was instantly reminded. “Fucking hell!”
“Well, if what you say is true, then you probably feel confident sharing this secret with Nikita. After all, she says you saved her life in that attack on your school. But it begs the question…why her life and not somebody else’s? There were other kids that needed saving just as much as she did. Why are you so attentive to Nikita?”
With high eye-brows, an offended Oswald asked, “Are you suggesting that I only rescued her because she’s hot? Do you think I’m that desperate for a girlfriend? I punched through a glass door just to get to her! My hands look like shit! They feel like shit too! I didn’t do it because I expected anything from her!”
“Of course you didn’t, Oswald. After all, she hardly notices you in that class. Well, she knows who you are now, but did she really know you at all during those first few weeks of spring quarter? She seemed to think the same thing everybody else thought: that you were just there to fade into the background. I bet that just eats you up inside. I bet that chills you to your involuntarily celibate bones.”
“This is fucking bullshit!” shouted Oswald, sending another tremor through his body. “Goddamn it!”
“You really should take the bass out of your voice, my friend. You should save that lung power for when you take another hit of Mary-Jane. I heard that’s a popular drug in prison.”
“No! You can’t lock me up! You can’t fucking do this!”
Leaning her face closer to Oswald’s, Mia angrily whispered, “I can do whatever I want to you, little man! I could ship you off to Gitmo if that’s what you so deserve. A terrorist is a terrorist no matter what color his or her skin is.” The dwarf took short, nervous breaths at that remark. He eased up a bit when Mia leaned back and talked in her normal voice again. “But I’m not going to do that to you. You already know too much about Incelbordination. You’re too valuable to me. Then again, I could always ask one of the chubsters in ski masks if you’re not willing to cooperate.”
Taking deeper breaths now, Oswald shrugged and said, “I don’t even know what I could help you with! If you actually did your homework on these guys, you’d know that they do their shit online! They don’t use the same chat room twice! That’s the whole point! They thrive on anonymity because they don’t want Dickless Tracys like you sticking their noses in their business! You act like you’ve never done this before, Detective!”
“And you act like you’ve never written an English paper before!” That shut up Oswald in a hurry. “You’re already chest deep in shit, which isn’t unusual for someone as tiny as you, but this time you’ve got to take shit seriously. We’ve seized your computer, just like we always do whenever we book someone. My tech guys are working diligently to see if there’s anything on your hard drive that will connect you to Incelbordination. If you’ve got something to tell me, say it now and make my tech guys’ job a lot easier.”
Oswald folded his arms and said, “Get me my lawyer.”
“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll get plenty of legal counsel in the morning. You’re probably going to need it.”
“What do you mean in the morning?”
“I’m glad you asked.” Mia stood up and knocked on the interrogation room door. “Take the suspect away.”
Oswald thrashed around in his chair as soon as two uniformed police officers entered the room with sadistic frowns on their faces. “No, wait a minute, you can’t do that!”
“I can’t what, Oswald? Get you your obligatory public defender? Are you sure you want to do this right now while you still know everything?” The dwarf said nothing and sunk in his metal chair. “You’re staying in jail for the night, my friend. Normally, you’d be back at your dorm in an hour or so, but you’re hiding something from me and I want to know what the fuck it is. Take him away, boys.”
The two cops grabbed Oswald by the wrists and guided him out of the room while snapping orders like, “Let’s go! Move it!” During his trek to the holding cell, Oswald tried to figure out what it was he was fighting for. He could have just confessed everything and hoped for an easy ending.
But he had dealt with cops before and knew it was all happy horseshit. The cops often took the side of his bullies during those more illegal assaults in high school. Apparently, the feelings of football stars and cheerleader girlfriends were more important than that of an involuntarily celibate midget.
Now his feelings mattered even less in this dark and dank jail cell. Just one puff of Mary Jane was all he was secretly asking for. One cloud of smoke to dry away his forming tears. One taste of sweet cannabis nectar to cleanse his palette and get him ready for the bologna sandwich he was sure to get. It would do wonders for his bodily pain as well as his emotional. Then again, pain was the police’s business and business was booming.
“…It’s eleven o’clock at night. Give me a fucking break.”
“Fair enough. Come on, let’s go.”
Still exhausted from his temper tantrum, Oswald couldn’t even find it in his soul to resist Detective Mia Barry’s arrest. Then again, how could he with all of his injuries? Even the tightness of his handcuffs counted as an injury to him. Things got so painful for him that he had to be given a piggyback ride to the cop car, which wasn’t nearly as humiliating under Nikita’s guidance. “Goddamn Nikita…” Oswald thought.
Mere minutes later, the dwarf found himself with fresh bandages staring across a steel table from Mia, whose arms remained folded and face remained stoic throughout this process. He could barely see over the table, but he felt every inch of his interrogator’s mile long stare. He didn’t have the disadvantage of seeing this horrifying look during their first car ride together. Now the dwarf’s lips were trembling as he tried his hardest not to break. He remembered the “making you sweat” line and tried to steel his nerves.
“…Drug possession…and conspiracy to commit terrorism…wow, Oswald. Wow! It finally gave me a reason to look at your file a little more carefully. I had no idea your middle name was Roman. Your initials are…”
“Save it, Detective, I’ve heard that joke a thousand times and I’m fucking sick of it!” The sudden loudness in his own voice sent a wave of hot pain through his body, bandages and antibiotics be damned.
“Okay, I can live with that,” said Mia, still stoic as ever. “But here’s what I can’t live with: locking up a young man like you over the world’s biggest mistakes. It’s my least favorite part of the job, but it must be done if we’re to get any answers regarding your connections.”
The dwarf gave a flabbergasted smile and shrugged. “Connections? What connections? I told you, I’ve got nothing to do with Incelbordination! We’ve been over this shit many times already! Sure, they gave me a chance, then I turned away as soon as I saw how sick these people really are! Write that in your little file!”
“Don’t worry, Mr. Crow, I plan on doing so. I also plan on writing all about how you refuse to cooperate with us because of your dirty little secret. You know the one. The secret you wouldn’t spill to one Nikita Johnson?”
“That bitch!” Oswald said in a low whisper.
“Excuse me?” said Mia with raised eyebrows.
“Look, I told her the same thing I tell everybody else when they see me smoke that shit: I have a prescription for it. I’m depressed and anxious. You can ask my doctor if you don’t fucking believe me!”
“Well, that’s funny,” said Mia as she gently cleared her throat. “Because when we tried to get in touch with your doctor, he appeared to be on vacation. His receptionist didn’t seem too eager to tell me where. I figured it was somewhere in Jamaica, South America, or maybe even Mexico. Maybe.”
“It’s one hundred percent legal, damn it!” Oswald pounded the desk with his fist and completely forgot it was bandaged up for a reason. The cries of pain suggested he was instantly reminded. “Fucking hell!”
“Well, if what you say is true, then you probably feel confident sharing this secret with Nikita. After all, she says you saved her life in that attack on your school. But it begs the question…why her life and not somebody else’s? There were other kids that needed saving just as much as she did. Why are you so attentive to Nikita?”
With high eye-brows, an offended Oswald asked, “Are you suggesting that I only rescued her because she’s hot? Do you think I’m that desperate for a girlfriend? I punched through a glass door just to get to her! My hands look like shit! They feel like shit too! I didn’t do it because I expected anything from her!”
“Of course you didn’t, Oswald. After all, she hardly notices you in that class. Well, she knows who you are now, but did she really know you at all during those first few weeks of spring quarter? She seemed to think the same thing everybody else thought: that you were just there to fade into the background. I bet that just eats you up inside. I bet that chills you to your involuntarily celibate bones.”
“This is fucking bullshit!” shouted Oswald, sending another tremor through his body. “Goddamn it!”
“You really should take the bass out of your voice, my friend. You should save that lung power for when you take another hit of Mary-Jane. I heard that’s a popular drug in prison.”
“No! You can’t lock me up! You can’t fucking do this!”
Leaning her face closer to Oswald’s, Mia angrily whispered, “I can do whatever I want to you, little man! I could ship you off to Gitmo if that’s what you so deserve. A terrorist is a terrorist no matter what color his or her skin is.” The dwarf took short, nervous breaths at that remark. He eased up a bit when Mia leaned back and talked in her normal voice again. “But I’m not going to do that to you. You already know too much about Incelbordination. You’re too valuable to me. Then again, I could always ask one of the chubsters in ski masks if you’re not willing to cooperate.”
Taking deeper breaths now, Oswald shrugged and said, “I don’t even know what I could help you with! If you actually did your homework on these guys, you’d know that they do their shit online! They don’t use the same chat room twice! That’s the whole point! They thrive on anonymity because they don’t want Dickless Tracys like you sticking their noses in their business! You act like you’ve never done this before, Detective!”
“And you act like you’ve never written an English paper before!” That shut up Oswald in a hurry. “You’re already chest deep in shit, which isn’t unusual for someone as tiny as you, but this time you’ve got to take shit seriously. We’ve seized your computer, just like we always do whenever we book someone. My tech guys are working diligently to see if there’s anything on your hard drive that will connect you to Incelbordination. If you’ve got something to tell me, say it now and make my tech guys’ job a lot easier.”
Oswald folded his arms and said, “Get me my lawyer.”
“Oh, don’t worry, you’ll get plenty of legal counsel in the morning. You’re probably going to need it.”
“What do you mean in the morning?”
“I’m glad you asked.” Mia stood up and knocked on the interrogation room door. “Take the suspect away.”
Oswald thrashed around in his chair as soon as two uniformed police officers entered the room with sadistic frowns on their faces. “No, wait a minute, you can’t do that!”
“I can’t what, Oswald? Get you your obligatory public defender? Are you sure you want to do this right now while you still know everything?” The dwarf said nothing and sunk in his metal chair. “You’re staying in jail for the night, my friend. Normally, you’d be back at your dorm in an hour or so, but you’re hiding something from me and I want to know what the fuck it is. Take him away, boys.”
The two cops grabbed Oswald by the wrists and guided him out of the room while snapping orders like, “Let’s go! Move it!” During his trek to the holding cell, Oswald tried to figure out what it was he was fighting for. He could have just confessed everything and hoped for an easy ending.
But he had dealt with cops before and knew it was all happy horseshit. The cops often took the side of his bullies during those more illegal assaults in high school. Apparently, the feelings of football stars and cheerleader girlfriends were more important than that of an involuntarily celibate midget.
Now his feelings mattered even less in this dark and dank jail cell. Just one puff of Mary Jane was all he was secretly asking for. One cloud of smoke to dry away his forming tears. One taste of sweet cannabis nectar to cleanse his palette and get him ready for the bologna sandwich he was sure to get. It would do wonders for his bodily pain as well as his emotional. Then again, pain was the police’s business and business was booming.
August 21, 2018
Cold War
VERSE 1
I could do this all day long
Got to show that I am strong
I’ll wait for you to cool down
To minimize the angry sounds
You fought with me and lost
Stop thinking you’re the boss
This cold war is mine to win
Only then can we both grin
CHORUS
A slap to the face
Then I turned away
Escape from this place
For at least a day
Silence rules this domain
As we bottle up this pain
What are we fighting for?
It’s just another cold war
VERSE 2
This could end when you say sorry
We could end our little pity party
My door is open only for the calm
Until then, you’re locked in the hall
Pile bookcases against the door
It’s shelter for the coldest wars
Blast my music to drown you out
Go ahead and try to shout me down
CHORUS
A slap to the face
Then I turned away
Escape from this place
For at least a day
Silence rules this domain
As we bottle up this pain
What are we fighting for?
It’s just another cold war
BRIDGE
Stupid reasons, stupid words
Yet we never seem to learn
Stupid outcome, stupid shame
As we play the blame game
Was it worth it in the end?
Losing yet another friend?
Check your ego at my door
Put an end to this cold war
VERSE 3
Silence is an introvert’s favorite thing
Especially when the heartache stings
I’m still waiting, but I’ll never crack
You’ll be the first to stab me in the back
CHORUS
A slap to the face
Then I turned away
Escape from this place
For at least a day
Silence rules this domain
As we bottle up this pain
What are we fighting for?
It’s just another cold war
I could do this all day long
Got to show that I am strong
I’ll wait for you to cool down
To minimize the angry sounds
You fought with me and lost
Stop thinking you’re the boss
This cold war is mine to win
Only then can we both grin
CHORUS
A slap to the face
Then I turned away
Escape from this place
For at least a day
Silence rules this domain
As we bottle up this pain
What are we fighting for?
It’s just another cold war
VERSE 2
This could end when you say sorry
We could end our little pity party
My door is open only for the calm
Until then, you’re locked in the hall
Pile bookcases against the door
It’s shelter for the coldest wars
Blast my music to drown you out
Go ahead and try to shout me down
CHORUS
A slap to the face
Then I turned away
Escape from this place
For at least a day
Silence rules this domain
As we bottle up this pain
What are we fighting for?
It’s just another cold war
BRIDGE
Stupid reasons, stupid words
Yet we never seem to learn
Stupid outcome, stupid shame
As we play the blame game
Was it worth it in the end?
Losing yet another friend?
Check your ego at my door
Put an end to this cold war
VERSE 3
Silence is an introvert’s favorite thing
Especially when the heartache stings
I’m still waiting, but I’ll never crack
You’ll be the first to stab me in the back
CHORUS
A slap to the face
Then I turned away
Escape from this place
For at least a day
Silence rules this domain
As we bottle up this pain
What are we fighting for?
It’s just another cold war
August 15, 2018
Incelbordination, Chapter 10
Oswald floated through the sunlit air as a familiar feminine voice whispered to him. “Come closer, my love. Come closer.” The little guy half-closed his eyes in anticipation of the seduction. The closer he floated towards this voice, the brighter the sunlight became. Whoever was sending these vibes had the radiance of an angel. And then Oswald could see a pair of plump red lips calling for him and making kissing noises to further tempt him. He puckered his own marijuana-scented lips and prepared for the love-making session he desperately desired.
And then the little guy opened his eyes and saw those red lips were hiding a serpentine tongue and elongated fangs dripping with poison. Oswald’s heart thumped in his chest and his eyes widened upon learning this face belonged to Antero Magnus, whose cyan eyes rolled so far back in his head that redness became horrifyingly apparent. “Give me a kiss, lover boy!” slithered Antero before taking a massive bite out of his former protégé’s skull. Oswald’s brains oozed out of the bite marks while his skull cracked in half, rendering him lifeless in an instant.
“Oswald, wake up!” shouted a more genuine female voice and the dwarf snapped awake while inhaling a raspy breath. Sitting up in his bed and soaked to the bone with sweat, he noticed he was back in his dorm room just like Nikita Johnson promised. Low and behold, there she was standing over his exhausted body with wetness in her eyes. “I’m glad you’re okay,” she said. “You looked like you were having a nightmare.”
The little person wiped the blurriness out of his eyes and said, “I did have a nightmare. A bunch of virgins in masks came and beat the shit out of everyone at school. Wait a minute. That was just a nightmare, right?”
“I’m afraid not, Oswald. Our college really was attacked. It’s all over the media. I was watching GNN on my phone.” The dwarf tried to crawl out of bed, but Nikita placed a hand in front of him to keep him from doing so. “Don’t, Oswald. You’re hurt. Just lay there for a few more minutes.”
Oswald face-palmed and whispered, “Goddamn you, Antero.”
“What did you just say?”
“Um…I, uh…oh, no…”
Nikita folded her arms and asked, “How do you know who Antero Magnus is?”
“How do YOU know him?”
Nikita sighed and sat down on the bed next to her rescuer’s feet. She rubbed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger before finally satisfying Oswald’s curiosity. “He’s in one of my classes. I’m double majoring in English and political science and apparently he’s majoring in political science too. Every single time he’d share one of his papers with the class…he…” She wiped a tear from her eye. “He just sounded so entitled. He felt like the world owed him sex. He was incredibly sexist on so many levels. I don’t think he’d even be happy if he found a relationship. He’d just continue the cycle of hatred. And the worst part about this is….my professor is too scared to challenge him because he thinks Antero will snap.”
“That definitely sounds like something he’d do,” said Oswald absentmindedly before backpedaling with a series of “um’s” and “uh’s”.
“Are you hiding something from me? How do you know Antero? Please be honest.” No answer. Just a nervous stare from the little guy. “Oswald, if you know something about Antero, you need to tell me. You heard those masked guys yelling things like Love Is Black and muttering shit about Chads and Stacys. If Antero really is behind all of that, you need to tell the police. That’s information they need.” Still no answer. “Oswald, what’s going on?!”
The dwarf sighed and plopped his head back on the pillow. “Antero tried to get me to join his group. He calls it Incelbordination or some shit like that.”
“You didn’t actually join them, did you?” asked Nikita with a shaky voice. “Oswald, if I find out you’re mixed up in this sexist crap, I’m going to…”
“I turned them down!” A long beat of uncomfortable silence hung between them. “I saw what those people are capable of. I’ve been to one of their chat rooms. The shit they talked about…it was disgusting. They joked about murdering and raping women. Although, it turned out not to be much of a joke, did it.”
“You need to go to the police and tell them everything you know.”
“…I’m sorry, Nikita, I can’t.”
“Why not?” Another beat of silence built a wall between them until Nikita’s eyes widened at something that appeared to be in Oswald’s coat, which he still wore in bed. She reached inside despite the dwarf swatting at her hands and pulled out several ready rolls. “Oh my god…this is why? You’re afraid the police are going to find these?”
Holding up his hands defensively, Oswald explained, “Look, I have a prescription for those, okay? I’ve got a severe case of depression and pot is the only thing that’s working.”
“Are you sure it’s working?” asked Nikita rhetorically. “Because I’ve heard your love stories in Valerie’s class. I’ve heard your poetry. Whatever’s wrong with you, these rolls aren’t doing the trick.”
“Sometimes they take a while to kick in!” snapped Oswald. “Then again, sometimes there isn’t a cure for what’s going on in real life!”
“If you’re not going to report Antero to the police, then I will. I’ll even put in a good word for you with the cops!”
“You can’t do that, Nikita! You can’t force your straightedge crap on the whole fucking world! It doesn’t work like that! I need that marijuana just to get me through the day unscathed! It’s not my fault everybody else wants to be a prick and fuck up my therapy!”
Nikita’s face transformed from desperate tears to passionate anger at the “straightedge crap” talking point. “Just so you know, I do have a dog in this fight when it comes to drugs and alcohol. My dad smoked all the weed he could find and on top of that drank every bottle of booze within a ten mile fucking radius. He did all of this when I was just a little girl. He’d come home from work smelling like he’d just bathed in raw sewage. And then late at night he went for a drive…” She wiped a way another tear and sniffled. “He never came home. Crashed into the river and drowned. I blame him for everything, but I blame the drugs he took even more.”
Oswald sighed and face-palmed once again. “I’m sorry for your loss, Nikita. Trust me, I know how that feels.”
“Then why are you smoking this shit to begin with?!” screamed Nikita, causing her target to pull the covers halfway over his face. “If you know how it feels, then why are you repeating this garbage?! This stuff isn’t curing you. It’s making you into a monster. You want proof? You’re worried that the cops are going to find this on you when you throw Antero under the bus. Well…I don’t have to worry about that because I’m not stupid enough to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.”
“Nikita…please give those back to me.”
“Not a chance, Oswald. I’m not going to let you fuck over this entire school after what they went through!”
“Why, you little!” grunted the dwarf as he attempted to roll out of bed and onto his feet. Because of his injuries, all he could do was plop on his ass and pull a muscle in his lower back. He screamed and coughed while pounding the floor with his fist, ignoring the fact that there used to be glass in his knuckles.
“I’m sorry, Oswald…but you did this to yourself!” said Nikita before turning around and marching away.
“No, wait! Don’t go! You can’t turn me in for this! They’ll put me in prison forever! I don’t’ deserve that shit!” The sound of Nikita slamming the front door behind her prompted Oswald to scream even more curse words while pounding the floor with both fists this time as well as his heels. He didn’t get much offense into the floor due to his agonized lower back, but that didn’t stop him from trying.
Just like Nikita before him, Oswald found an excuse to shed tears, but his own sobbing was loud and obnoxious enough to awaken his couch potato roommate, who screamed, “Hey! Shut up in there!” Except Oswald didn’t shut up. He cursed and pounded the ground some more until he was ready for another trip to the subconscious theater.
“Don’t do this to me, Nikita,” he whispered as he was falling asleep again. “Please…don’t…do…this…”
And then the little guy opened his eyes and saw those red lips were hiding a serpentine tongue and elongated fangs dripping with poison. Oswald’s heart thumped in his chest and his eyes widened upon learning this face belonged to Antero Magnus, whose cyan eyes rolled so far back in his head that redness became horrifyingly apparent. “Give me a kiss, lover boy!” slithered Antero before taking a massive bite out of his former protégé’s skull. Oswald’s brains oozed out of the bite marks while his skull cracked in half, rendering him lifeless in an instant.
“Oswald, wake up!” shouted a more genuine female voice and the dwarf snapped awake while inhaling a raspy breath. Sitting up in his bed and soaked to the bone with sweat, he noticed he was back in his dorm room just like Nikita Johnson promised. Low and behold, there she was standing over his exhausted body with wetness in her eyes. “I’m glad you’re okay,” she said. “You looked like you were having a nightmare.”
The little person wiped the blurriness out of his eyes and said, “I did have a nightmare. A bunch of virgins in masks came and beat the shit out of everyone at school. Wait a minute. That was just a nightmare, right?”
“I’m afraid not, Oswald. Our college really was attacked. It’s all over the media. I was watching GNN on my phone.” The dwarf tried to crawl out of bed, but Nikita placed a hand in front of him to keep him from doing so. “Don’t, Oswald. You’re hurt. Just lay there for a few more minutes.”
Oswald face-palmed and whispered, “Goddamn you, Antero.”
“What did you just say?”
“Um…I, uh…oh, no…”
Nikita folded her arms and asked, “How do you know who Antero Magnus is?”
“How do YOU know him?”
Nikita sighed and sat down on the bed next to her rescuer’s feet. She rubbed the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger before finally satisfying Oswald’s curiosity. “He’s in one of my classes. I’m double majoring in English and political science and apparently he’s majoring in political science too. Every single time he’d share one of his papers with the class…he…” She wiped a tear from her eye. “He just sounded so entitled. He felt like the world owed him sex. He was incredibly sexist on so many levels. I don’t think he’d even be happy if he found a relationship. He’d just continue the cycle of hatred. And the worst part about this is….my professor is too scared to challenge him because he thinks Antero will snap.”
“That definitely sounds like something he’d do,” said Oswald absentmindedly before backpedaling with a series of “um’s” and “uh’s”.
“Are you hiding something from me? How do you know Antero? Please be honest.” No answer. Just a nervous stare from the little guy. “Oswald, if you know something about Antero, you need to tell me. You heard those masked guys yelling things like Love Is Black and muttering shit about Chads and Stacys. If Antero really is behind all of that, you need to tell the police. That’s information they need.” Still no answer. “Oswald, what’s going on?!”
The dwarf sighed and plopped his head back on the pillow. “Antero tried to get me to join his group. He calls it Incelbordination or some shit like that.”
“You didn’t actually join them, did you?” asked Nikita with a shaky voice. “Oswald, if I find out you’re mixed up in this sexist crap, I’m going to…”
“I turned them down!” A long beat of uncomfortable silence hung between them. “I saw what those people are capable of. I’ve been to one of their chat rooms. The shit they talked about…it was disgusting. They joked about murdering and raping women. Although, it turned out not to be much of a joke, did it.”
“You need to go to the police and tell them everything you know.”
“…I’m sorry, Nikita, I can’t.”
“Why not?” Another beat of silence built a wall between them until Nikita’s eyes widened at something that appeared to be in Oswald’s coat, which he still wore in bed. She reached inside despite the dwarf swatting at her hands and pulled out several ready rolls. “Oh my god…this is why? You’re afraid the police are going to find these?”
Holding up his hands defensively, Oswald explained, “Look, I have a prescription for those, okay? I’ve got a severe case of depression and pot is the only thing that’s working.”
“Are you sure it’s working?” asked Nikita rhetorically. “Because I’ve heard your love stories in Valerie’s class. I’ve heard your poetry. Whatever’s wrong with you, these rolls aren’t doing the trick.”
“Sometimes they take a while to kick in!” snapped Oswald. “Then again, sometimes there isn’t a cure for what’s going on in real life!”
“If you’re not going to report Antero to the police, then I will. I’ll even put in a good word for you with the cops!”
“You can’t do that, Nikita! You can’t force your straightedge crap on the whole fucking world! It doesn’t work like that! I need that marijuana just to get me through the day unscathed! It’s not my fault everybody else wants to be a prick and fuck up my therapy!”
Nikita’s face transformed from desperate tears to passionate anger at the “straightedge crap” talking point. “Just so you know, I do have a dog in this fight when it comes to drugs and alcohol. My dad smoked all the weed he could find and on top of that drank every bottle of booze within a ten mile fucking radius. He did all of this when I was just a little girl. He’d come home from work smelling like he’d just bathed in raw sewage. And then late at night he went for a drive…” She wiped a way another tear and sniffled. “He never came home. Crashed into the river and drowned. I blame him for everything, but I blame the drugs he took even more.”
Oswald sighed and face-palmed once again. “I’m sorry for your loss, Nikita. Trust me, I know how that feels.”
“Then why are you smoking this shit to begin with?!” screamed Nikita, causing her target to pull the covers halfway over his face. “If you know how it feels, then why are you repeating this garbage?! This stuff isn’t curing you. It’s making you into a monster. You want proof? You’re worried that the cops are going to find this on you when you throw Antero under the bus. Well…I don’t have to worry about that because I’m not stupid enough to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.”
“Nikita…please give those back to me.”
“Not a chance, Oswald. I’m not going to let you fuck over this entire school after what they went through!”
“Why, you little!” grunted the dwarf as he attempted to roll out of bed and onto his feet. Because of his injuries, all he could do was plop on his ass and pull a muscle in his lower back. He screamed and coughed while pounding the floor with his fist, ignoring the fact that there used to be glass in his knuckles.
“I’m sorry, Oswald…but you did this to yourself!” said Nikita before turning around and marching away.
“No, wait! Don’t go! You can’t turn me in for this! They’ll put me in prison forever! I don’t’ deserve that shit!” The sound of Nikita slamming the front door behind her prompted Oswald to scream even more curse words while pounding the floor with both fists this time as well as his heels. He didn’t get much offense into the floor due to his agonized lower back, but that didn’t stop him from trying.
Just like Nikita before him, Oswald found an excuse to shed tears, but his own sobbing was loud and obnoxious enough to awaken his couch potato roommate, who screamed, “Hey! Shut up in there!” Except Oswald didn’t shut up. He cursed and pounded the ground some more until he was ready for another trip to the subconscious theater.
“Don’t do this to me, Nikita,” he whispered as he was falling asleep again. “Please…don’t…do…this…”
August 13, 2018
Halestorm X In This Moment Concert
***HALESTORM X IN THIS MOMENT CONCERT***
It’s true, folks: I’ve been going to a lot of concerts this year alone. In chronological order, I’ve seen Pop Evil, Starset, Papa Roach, Soulfly, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether as headliners. This coming Friday, I’m going to see Halestorm and In This Moment as co-headliners in Seattle with New Years Day as their opener. It’ll be my first time seeing all three of these bands, so I’m happy for the new experience. I’ve been a fan of In This Moment since 2013 when their lead singer Maria Brink did a duet with Five Finger Death Punch (the song was called “Anywhere But Here”). I’ve been a fan of Halestorm ever since their lead singer Lzzy Hale did a duet with Device called “Close My Eyes Forever”. My CD collection of both bands is complete and I’m ready to see them on Friday. I’ve never heard New Years Day’s music before, so I hope they’re good!
If you’re wondering why I’m going to so many concerts lately, it’s because these shows are opportunities to get out of the house and engage the public. Even hardcore introverts need to socialize every now and then, though I don’t actively seek people in the audience to talk to. I don’t have a car of my own and the only places within walking distance worth going to are Fred Meyer, Quizno’s, Hi-Way Market, and Charlie’s Café. Not only are cars expensive to maintain and buy, but I don’t trust myself behind the wheel because I’m always thinking about having a schizophrenic attack in the middle of traffic. Schizophrenia thrives on stress and there’s nothing more stressful than being stuck in traffic. We don’t need a collision and we don’t need dead bodies. Other people in my family are more than happy to drive me to my respective venues, this Friday’s show being at the WaMu Theater near Century Link Field.
I’m Garrison Kelly and here’s hoping for a fun evening! Even when you feel like…no, wait, Three Days Grace isn’t going to be there. Oh well!
***SAVAGE BEATINGS***
Though I’m not technically allowed to publish Savage Beatings on my social media accounts, I will say that I’ve rewritten the first part out of five to accommodate for Marie Krepps’ suggested changes to Beautiful Monster. This time around, Windham’s emotions will be consistent, he won’t act like an emo teenager, and the world building in this fantasy setting will be as clear as day. I know Patrick in particular loved reading about psychotic Windham bloodying his foes, but in the interest of having a more realistic product, I can’t have Windham’s emotions bounce all over the place like a character from The Room. I also can’t have him eat psychedelic mushrooms and have him transform into Broken Matt Hardy meets Pink Floyd the Wall. My ears are open for the lovely Marie Krepps, because she knows best. Wish me luck!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“She’s only sixteen. She had the dreams of a girl. She thought she’d be in love. She’d thought she’d have the white picket fence. Now she stands on the corner. She sold herself to the streets. When the world gave up on her, she gave up on herself. She said, “Can anybody hear me?” She said, “Does anybody care?” The monster pulls up slowly. He asks her how much she is.”
-In This Moment singing “Out of Hell”-
It’s true, folks: I’ve been going to a lot of concerts this year alone. In chronological order, I’ve seen Pop Evil, Starset, Papa Roach, Soulfly, Breaking Benjamin, and Seether as headliners. This coming Friday, I’m going to see Halestorm and In This Moment as co-headliners in Seattle with New Years Day as their opener. It’ll be my first time seeing all three of these bands, so I’m happy for the new experience. I’ve been a fan of In This Moment since 2013 when their lead singer Maria Brink did a duet with Five Finger Death Punch (the song was called “Anywhere But Here”). I’ve been a fan of Halestorm ever since their lead singer Lzzy Hale did a duet with Device called “Close My Eyes Forever”. My CD collection of both bands is complete and I’m ready to see them on Friday. I’ve never heard New Years Day’s music before, so I hope they’re good!
If you’re wondering why I’m going to so many concerts lately, it’s because these shows are opportunities to get out of the house and engage the public. Even hardcore introverts need to socialize every now and then, though I don’t actively seek people in the audience to talk to. I don’t have a car of my own and the only places within walking distance worth going to are Fred Meyer, Quizno’s, Hi-Way Market, and Charlie’s Café. Not only are cars expensive to maintain and buy, but I don’t trust myself behind the wheel because I’m always thinking about having a schizophrenic attack in the middle of traffic. Schizophrenia thrives on stress and there’s nothing more stressful than being stuck in traffic. We don’t need a collision and we don’t need dead bodies. Other people in my family are more than happy to drive me to my respective venues, this Friday’s show being at the WaMu Theater near Century Link Field.
I’m Garrison Kelly and here’s hoping for a fun evening! Even when you feel like…no, wait, Three Days Grace isn’t going to be there. Oh well!
***SAVAGE BEATINGS***
Though I’m not technically allowed to publish Savage Beatings on my social media accounts, I will say that I’ve rewritten the first part out of five to accommodate for Marie Krepps’ suggested changes to Beautiful Monster. This time around, Windham’s emotions will be consistent, he won’t act like an emo teenager, and the world building in this fantasy setting will be as clear as day. I know Patrick in particular loved reading about psychotic Windham bloodying his foes, but in the interest of having a more realistic product, I can’t have Windham’s emotions bounce all over the place like a character from The Room. I also can’t have him eat psychedelic mushrooms and have him transform into Broken Matt Hardy meets Pink Floyd the Wall. My ears are open for the lovely Marie Krepps, because she knows best. Wish me luck!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“She’s only sixteen. She had the dreams of a girl. She thought she’d be in love. She’d thought she’d have the white picket fence. Now she stands on the corner. She sold herself to the streets. When the world gave up on her, she gave up on herself. She said, “Can anybody hear me?” She said, “Does anybody care?” The monster pulls up slowly. He asks her how much she is.”
-In This Moment singing “Out of Hell”-
August 12, 2018
All Men Must Die
VERSE 1
You’re touching and feeling
He’s sexually appealing
All of his no’s are final
Still he feels suicidal
CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!
VERSE 2
Tell him to man up
As you grab nuts
He must like it
He doesn’t fight it
CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!
BRIDGE
Police report
Been here before
Choose to ignore
Ass out the door
Fall on the floor
Get ready for more
See what’s in store
For the man whore
VERSE 3
Back the fuck up
You media suck up
Stick your microphone
Where the sun never shone
He wants revenge
He wants to defend
He wants your head
He wants you dead
CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!
You’re touching and feeling
He’s sexually appealing
All of his no’s are final
Still he feels suicidal
CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!
VERSE 2
Tell him to man up
As you grab nuts
He must like it
He doesn’t fight it
CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!
BRIDGE
Police report
Been here before
Choose to ignore
Ass out the door
Fall on the floor
Get ready for more
See what’s in store
For the man whore
VERSE 3
Back the fuck up
You media suck up
Stick your microphone
Where the sun never shone
He wants revenge
He wants to defend
He wants your head
He wants you dead
CHORUS
In your heart
All men must
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
D-D-D-D-Die!
You don’t care!
Don’t you dare!
August 9, 2018
Let's Have a Threesome
***LET’S HAVE A THREESOME***
No, I’m not talking about that kind of threesome, you perv! I’m talking about three different creative projects that are currently going on in my life. The month of August will be a busy one and quite frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not only do I have a Halestorm X In This Moment concert coming up on the 17th, but the very next day I get to see my niece Reina perform in a play like she does every summer at drama camp. On a side note, “drama camp” sounds like a place where a bunch of sad saps get together to whine about life. Oh wait, it’s not that kind of drama? Oops! Reina has her creative project for August and I’ve got mine. Let’s take a look at these three things, shall we?
***SAVAGE BEATINGS***
Every few months, Hollow Hills publishing (Marie Krepps’s business) puts out a themed anthology and this upcoming installment, called Still Standing, will focus on bullying. Proceeds from the sales of this book will go to various anti-bullying charities, though I haven’t found out which ones yet. I wanted to be a part of this project, but I didn’t have any short stories in my archives that met the six thousand word minimum. And that was when Marie gave me a brilliant idea that I will always thank her for: write a prequel to Beautiful Monster that details Windham Xavier’s first few days of training at Paladin Cross. Beautiful Monster already has the themes of bullying, so this prequel that I’ve dubbed Savage Beatings (named after Kody and Christian Savage) will touch on those same aspects. I’ve already written part one of this five piece story and I have until the end of August to complete it. Piece of cake! I’d love to share it with you guys, but as long as I’m published with Hollow Hills, I can’t publish it anywhere else and that includes social media. It makes sense from a business standpoint, so I’m not going to complain about it at all. Otherwise, I’ll have to be sent kicking and screaming to “drama camp”. Wait a minute! That’s not what it’s about! Hehe!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***
Of course, Marie wouldn’t have given me the idea for Savage Beatings if I didn’t recruit her to beta-read Beautiful Monster. You know you’re a writer when the idea of receiving mountains of feedback is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. It’s exciting because Marie’s advice will no doubt bring Beautiful Monster to brand new heights. It’s terrifying because judging from her notes so far, I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. But hey, hard work isn’t so bad, especially when I know it’s coming. Besides, Marie Krepps is an excellent beta-reader. Without her, none of my six published books would be possible. She’s thoughtful, funny as hell, and she can be these things without being judgmental towards the author. I think the latter of those three things is the most important, especially when I’ve written a novel about sensitive topics such as male rape and PTSD. Her fully detailed notes will be available to me by the 12th of this month. One thing I already know? Tarja Rikkinen is in serious need of character rehab. She’s too manipulative to be likeable. Hell, in the fifth chapter, she openly admits to using seduction as a trust-building tactic! Holy shit!
***INCELBORDINATION***
As I’ve said before, I’m forbidden from posting Savage Beatings online. Depending on whether or not Marie wants to publish Beautiful Monster through Hollow Hills, I’ll probably have to delete the chapters from my social media accounts. But these things cannot be said about Incelbordination, which I will still work on despite the other two projects looming over me. I’m still a member of the WSS on Good Reads and I always enjoy entering their friendly short story contests. Incelbordination will be the ongoing project that gets uploaded to social media, including Good Reads. Would you like to know what chapter ten will be about? Tough shit! No spoilers for you! Hahahahahahaha!
***CONCLUSION***
One night while I was suffering from heat exhaustion, I made a list of mantras in my falling-apart Lego journal. One of them is “Kick August’s Ass”. No, I don’t personally know anybody named August or Gus, I’m talking about the month. It’s going to be a busy month and come hell or high water I’ll kick the shit out of August and walk into September smelling like roses. Waiting for me on the other side is my Dad’s birthday and the very next day after that an Evanescence X Lindsay Stirling concert at the White River Amphitheater. This would be the part of the blog where Marie tells me that she’s jealous of my concerts before calling me an affectionate insult. Hehe! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! Hey, those lyrics work!
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
SMOKEY: Raaaaawr! Raaaaaaaawr!
GARRISON: Shut up, Smokey, I’m trying to watch a video!
JAMES: But Garrison, she’s singing for you.
GARRISON: No, she’s not. She’s making loud noises.
JAMES: Is that what your favorite bands do? Smokey’s a better singer than they are.
GARRISON: That’s not true, James! It’s good music! You’re being judgmental!
JAMES: No, I’m not. I’m being honest.
GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!
No, I’m not talking about that kind of threesome, you perv! I’m talking about three different creative projects that are currently going on in my life. The month of August will be a busy one and quite frankly I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not only do I have a Halestorm X In This Moment concert coming up on the 17th, but the very next day I get to see my niece Reina perform in a play like she does every summer at drama camp. On a side note, “drama camp” sounds like a place where a bunch of sad saps get together to whine about life. Oh wait, it’s not that kind of drama? Oops! Reina has her creative project for August and I’ve got mine. Let’s take a look at these three things, shall we?
***SAVAGE BEATINGS***
Every few months, Hollow Hills publishing (Marie Krepps’s business) puts out a themed anthology and this upcoming installment, called Still Standing, will focus on bullying. Proceeds from the sales of this book will go to various anti-bullying charities, though I haven’t found out which ones yet. I wanted to be a part of this project, but I didn’t have any short stories in my archives that met the six thousand word minimum. And that was when Marie gave me a brilliant idea that I will always thank her for: write a prequel to Beautiful Monster that details Windham Xavier’s first few days of training at Paladin Cross. Beautiful Monster already has the themes of bullying, so this prequel that I’ve dubbed Savage Beatings (named after Kody and Christian Savage) will touch on those same aspects. I’ve already written part one of this five piece story and I have until the end of August to complete it. Piece of cake! I’d love to share it with you guys, but as long as I’m published with Hollow Hills, I can’t publish it anywhere else and that includes social media. It makes sense from a business standpoint, so I’m not going to complain about it at all. Otherwise, I’ll have to be sent kicking and screaming to “drama camp”. Wait a minute! That’s not what it’s about! Hehe!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER***
Of course, Marie wouldn’t have given me the idea for Savage Beatings if I didn’t recruit her to beta-read Beautiful Monster. You know you’re a writer when the idea of receiving mountains of feedback is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. It’s exciting because Marie’s advice will no doubt bring Beautiful Monster to brand new heights. It’s terrifying because judging from her notes so far, I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me. But hey, hard work isn’t so bad, especially when I know it’s coming. Besides, Marie Krepps is an excellent beta-reader. Without her, none of my six published books would be possible. She’s thoughtful, funny as hell, and she can be these things without being judgmental towards the author. I think the latter of those three things is the most important, especially when I’ve written a novel about sensitive topics such as male rape and PTSD. Her fully detailed notes will be available to me by the 12th of this month. One thing I already know? Tarja Rikkinen is in serious need of character rehab. She’s too manipulative to be likeable. Hell, in the fifth chapter, she openly admits to using seduction as a trust-building tactic! Holy shit!
***INCELBORDINATION***
As I’ve said before, I’m forbidden from posting Savage Beatings online. Depending on whether or not Marie wants to publish Beautiful Monster through Hollow Hills, I’ll probably have to delete the chapters from my social media accounts. But these things cannot be said about Incelbordination, which I will still work on despite the other two projects looming over me. I’m still a member of the WSS on Good Reads and I always enjoy entering their friendly short story contests. Incelbordination will be the ongoing project that gets uploaded to social media, including Good Reads. Would you like to know what chapter ten will be about? Tough shit! No spoilers for you! Hahahahahahaha!
***CONCLUSION***
One night while I was suffering from heat exhaustion, I made a list of mantras in my falling-apart Lego journal. One of them is “Kick August’s Ass”. No, I don’t personally know anybody named August or Gus, I’m talking about the month. It’s going to be a busy month and come hell or high water I’ll kick the shit out of August and walk into September smelling like roses. Waiting for me on the other side is my Dad’s birthday and the very next day after that an Evanescence X Lindsay Stirling concert at the White River Amphitheater. This would be the part of the blog where Marie tells me that she’s jealous of my concerts before calling me an affectionate insult. Hehe! I’m Garrison Kelly! Even when you feel like dying, keep climbing the mountain! Hey, those lyrics work!
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
SMOKEY: Raaaaawr! Raaaaaaaawr!
GARRISON: Shut up, Smokey, I’m trying to watch a video!
JAMES: But Garrison, she’s singing for you.
GARRISON: No, she’s not. She’s making loud noises.
JAMES: Is that what your favorite bands do? Smokey’s a better singer than they are.
GARRISON: That’s not true, James! It’s good music! You’re being judgmental!
JAMES: No, I’m not. I’m being honest.
GARRISON: Goddamn it, James!
August 5, 2018
Are You Shipping Me?
***ARE YOU SHIPPING ME?***
In honor of my supportive Deviant Art friend Patrick Doran a.k.a. The Lone Wolf, I’m bringing back a meme/game that I did for Occupy Wrestling where I randomly chose two characters from a long list and put them together as a couple. This time I’m using characters from my most recent first draft novels, Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. There are twenty-seven names on this list and I plan on burning through ten of them for the sake of this game (that means I’ll be shipping five different potential couples). These selections will be completely random and will not pay any mind to gender or sexual orientation. Are you ready to play America’s game? No, it’s not Wheel of Fortune, so step aside, Pat Sajak! This new game is called…Are You Shipping Me? Are you ready to play? Let’s get started! Here’s the list of characters I’ve compiled:
1. Adrienne Simpson, teenaged MPDG
2. Alan Young, high school bully
3. Aloysius Striker, puppet teacher
4. Antero Magnus, involuntary celibate
5. Beth George, overbearing mother
6. Carter George, dead father
7. Christian Savage, claw-wielding mercenary
8. Craig Dunham, jock bully
9. Julie Simpson, Adrienne’s mother
10. Kody Savage, chicken shit mercenary
11. Linda Williams, high school principal
12. Mia Barry, police detective
13. Michelle Xavier, elf queen
14. Misty Keith, student with Down’s Syndrome
15. Nikita Johnson, English student
16. Orpheus Rinehart, fat mercenary boss
17. Oswald Crow, lonely dwarf
18. Paul Corbin, surrogate history teacher
19. Scott George, traumatized student
20. Shelly Atwood, vampire rapist
21. Simone Archer, trauma therapist
22. Tarja Rikkinen, staff-wielding mercenary
23. Tom Simpson, authoritarian teacher
24. Torger Manson, vampire enforcer
25. Valerie Sand, English teacher
26. Wacey Judge, gym bully
27. Windham Xavier, whip-wielding elf mercenary
Spin the wheel or buy a vowel! Damn it, this still isn’t Wheel of Fortune! Piss off, Sajak!
***FIRST COUPLE: SHELLY X ANTERO***
I swear this couple pairing was only a coincidence, but Patrick and I joked all the time about how these two deserve each other. With Shelly Atwood, you’ve got a woman who destroys men’s self-esteem by forcing them into sex slavery. With Antero Magnus, you’ve got a guy with no self-esteem to begin with because he can’t get laid. The kicker? Both of these train wrecks are the villains of their respective stories, so try not to feel bad for either of them. In fact, be sure to wish them well as they tie the knot and spread misery and hatred across the land together!
***SECOND COUPLE: ALOYSIUS X BETH***
Considering both of these women are from Silent Warrior and they both play a pivotal role in Scott George’s life, I can definitely see them being a couple. Never mind the fact that Aloysius appears as a nightmarish puppet in Scott’s dreams. Hell, she can be one of those inflatable sex puppets if Beth so desired. Both women have a nasty habit of making Scott’s life miserable, whether in the dream world or in real life. They’re both bossy as hell, they both demand conformity and obedience, and if you read far enough into the novel, you’ll understand Aloysius’s most significant connection to Scott’s life. With Carter George dead as a doornail, Beth is ripe for the picking, so come on down, Aloysius! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Goddamn it, not you too, Drew Carey!
***THIRD COUPLE: TOM X PAUL (TAUL)***
Okay, so I tried not to bring spoilers into this, but in order for the context to make sense, I’m afraid I’m going to have to. So if you haven’t read far enough into Silent Warrior yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip past this one. But oh my god, you talk about cats and dogs, you’ve got Tom Simpson and Paul Corbin. Tom is known throughout the story as an autocratic teacher who demands conformity and even came up with his own quote for it: “Democracy is dead!” Paul Corbin replaces him and has a much more positive impact on his students. You think if Tom and Paul became a couple that there wouldn’t be any professional jealousy? Oh, goddamn, think of all the arguments they’d have!
***FOURTH COUPLE: WINDHAM X SCOTT (WINDHOTT)***
Unlike Tom and Paul before them, this couple could actually relate to each other on a personal level and the fighting would be kept to a minimum. They’re both mentally scarred from their experiences. They both fight for their individuality in a world that demands obedience. They both have the power to change the world, though Windham uses his whip for that and Scott uses his words. They’re both passionate when it comes to their relationships. And for all of you out there who are concerned about age differences, don’t worry, Scott is eighteen and one hundred percent legal. In fact, his age becomes a huge factor in how Silent Warrior plays out. But yes, Windham and Scott would make a cute couple despite the fact that Scott dresses like a hobo and Windham is this gorgeous man stud in shining armor.
***FINAL COUPLE: CARTER X TORGER (TORTER)***
For the sake of argument, Carter George, who started Silent Warrior as a dead body, will remain a corpse during his shipping with Torger Manson. And why not? It’s usually Torger’s stepsister Shelly who gets to “have all the fun” (and I’m saying that with a sour stomach). Torger needs love too (again, I say that with a bad taste in my mouth). Why should Shelly get to choose the slaves all the time (again, ugh!)? The closest thing to fun Torger will ever have is if his victims are dead. Given that he’s high on psychedelic mushrooms all the time, that’d be the only way he’d agree to this necromantic relationship. And that’s assuming Torger has standards to begin with, which is questionable at times during Beautiful Monster.
***CONCLUSION***
Our Final Jeopardy category is…goddamn it, Alex Trebek, get out of here! This isn’t your show! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! Are You Shipping Me is a production of Merv Griffin Enterprises and is distributed by King World…no, it isn’t!
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
REINA: How was the Seether concert?
GARRISON: Fine.
REINA: Did you meet any cute girls?
GARRISON: A short girl locked arms with me during “Fine Again”, but I didn’t do anything in return.
REINA: This seems to be a recurring theme when you go to concerts. First there was that girl at the Slipknot concert who kissed your hand and now this.
GARRISON: There was also the time at the Pop Evil concert when a girl tried to dance with me, but I walked away from her when she elbowed another concertgoer.
REINA: Yeah, that was the right choice.
GARRISON: I have no idea why women are trying to seduce me at concerts.
REINA: Maybe a shape-shifter is after you. Maybe you’re the shape-shifter.
GARRISON: I’m not a shape-shifter.
REINA: That’s exactly what a shape-shifter would say if he was denying it.
GARRISON: Damn it, Reina, you say that with everything I deny being!
In honor of my supportive Deviant Art friend Patrick Doran a.k.a. The Lone Wolf, I’m bringing back a meme/game that I did for Occupy Wrestling where I randomly chose two characters from a long list and put them together as a couple. This time I’m using characters from my most recent first draft novels, Silent Warrior, Beautiful Monster, and Incelbordination. There are twenty-seven names on this list and I plan on burning through ten of them for the sake of this game (that means I’ll be shipping five different potential couples). These selections will be completely random and will not pay any mind to gender or sexual orientation. Are you ready to play America’s game? No, it’s not Wheel of Fortune, so step aside, Pat Sajak! This new game is called…Are You Shipping Me? Are you ready to play? Let’s get started! Here’s the list of characters I’ve compiled:
1. Adrienne Simpson, teenaged MPDG
2. Alan Young, high school bully
3. Aloysius Striker, puppet teacher
4. Antero Magnus, involuntary celibate
5. Beth George, overbearing mother
6. Carter George, dead father
7. Christian Savage, claw-wielding mercenary
8. Craig Dunham, jock bully
9. Julie Simpson, Adrienne’s mother
10. Kody Savage, chicken shit mercenary
11. Linda Williams, high school principal
12. Mia Barry, police detective
13. Michelle Xavier, elf queen
14. Misty Keith, student with Down’s Syndrome
15. Nikita Johnson, English student
16. Orpheus Rinehart, fat mercenary boss
17. Oswald Crow, lonely dwarf
18. Paul Corbin, surrogate history teacher
19. Scott George, traumatized student
20. Shelly Atwood, vampire rapist
21. Simone Archer, trauma therapist
22. Tarja Rikkinen, staff-wielding mercenary
23. Tom Simpson, authoritarian teacher
24. Torger Manson, vampire enforcer
25. Valerie Sand, English teacher
26. Wacey Judge, gym bully
27. Windham Xavier, whip-wielding elf mercenary
Spin the wheel or buy a vowel! Damn it, this still isn’t Wheel of Fortune! Piss off, Sajak!
***FIRST COUPLE: SHELLY X ANTERO***
I swear this couple pairing was only a coincidence, but Patrick and I joked all the time about how these two deserve each other. With Shelly Atwood, you’ve got a woman who destroys men’s self-esteem by forcing them into sex slavery. With Antero Magnus, you’ve got a guy with no self-esteem to begin with because he can’t get laid. The kicker? Both of these train wrecks are the villains of their respective stories, so try not to feel bad for either of them. In fact, be sure to wish them well as they tie the knot and spread misery and hatred across the land together!
***SECOND COUPLE: ALOYSIUS X BETH***
Considering both of these women are from Silent Warrior and they both play a pivotal role in Scott George’s life, I can definitely see them being a couple. Never mind the fact that Aloysius appears as a nightmarish puppet in Scott’s dreams. Hell, she can be one of those inflatable sex puppets if Beth so desired. Both women have a nasty habit of making Scott’s life miserable, whether in the dream world or in real life. They’re both bossy as hell, they both demand conformity and obedience, and if you read far enough into the novel, you’ll understand Aloysius’s most significant connection to Scott’s life. With Carter George dead as a doornail, Beth is ripe for the picking, so come on down, Aloysius! You’re the next contestant on The Price Is Right! Goddamn it, not you too, Drew Carey!
***THIRD COUPLE: TOM X PAUL (TAUL)***
Okay, so I tried not to bring spoilers into this, but in order for the context to make sense, I’m afraid I’m going to have to. So if you haven’t read far enough into Silent Warrior yet and you don’t want to be spoiled, skip past this one. But oh my god, you talk about cats and dogs, you’ve got Tom Simpson and Paul Corbin. Tom is known throughout the story as an autocratic teacher who demands conformity and even came up with his own quote for it: “Democracy is dead!” Paul Corbin replaces him and has a much more positive impact on his students. You think if Tom and Paul became a couple that there wouldn’t be any professional jealousy? Oh, goddamn, think of all the arguments they’d have!
***FOURTH COUPLE: WINDHAM X SCOTT (WINDHOTT)***
Unlike Tom and Paul before them, this couple could actually relate to each other on a personal level and the fighting would be kept to a minimum. They’re both mentally scarred from their experiences. They both fight for their individuality in a world that demands obedience. They both have the power to change the world, though Windham uses his whip for that and Scott uses his words. They’re both passionate when it comes to their relationships. And for all of you out there who are concerned about age differences, don’t worry, Scott is eighteen and one hundred percent legal. In fact, his age becomes a huge factor in how Silent Warrior plays out. But yes, Windham and Scott would make a cute couple despite the fact that Scott dresses like a hobo and Windham is this gorgeous man stud in shining armor.
***FINAL COUPLE: CARTER X TORGER (TORTER)***
For the sake of argument, Carter George, who started Silent Warrior as a dead body, will remain a corpse during his shipping with Torger Manson. And why not? It’s usually Torger’s stepsister Shelly who gets to “have all the fun” (and I’m saying that with a sour stomach). Torger needs love too (again, I say that with a bad taste in my mouth). Why should Shelly get to choose the slaves all the time (again, ugh!)? The closest thing to fun Torger will ever have is if his victims are dead. Given that he’s high on psychedelic mushrooms all the time, that’d be the only way he’d agree to this necromantic relationship. And that’s assuming Torger has standards to begin with, which is questionable at times during Beautiful Monster.
***CONCLUSION***
Our Final Jeopardy category is…goddamn it, Alex Trebek, get out of here! This isn’t your show! I’m Garrison Kelly and I’ll see you next time! Are You Shipping Me is a production of Merv Griffin Enterprises and is distributed by King World…no, it isn’t!
***DOMESTIC DIALOGUE OF THE DAY***
REINA: How was the Seether concert?
GARRISON: Fine.
REINA: Did you meet any cute girls?
GARRISON: A short girl locked arms with me during “Fine Again”, but I didn’t do anything in return.
REINA: This seems to be a recurring theme when you go to concerts. First there was that girl at the Slipknot concert who kissed your hand and now this.
GARRISON: There was also the time at the Pop Evil concert when a girl tried to dance with me, but I walked away from her when she elbowed another concertgoer.
REINA: Yeah, that was the right choice.
GARRISON: I have no idea why women are trying to seduce me at concerts.
REINA: Maybe a shape-shifter is after you. Maybe you’re the shape-shifter.
GARRISON: I’m not a shape-shifter.
REINA: That’s exactly what a shape-shifter would say if he was denying it.
GARRISON: Damn it, Reina, you say that with everything I deny being!
