Garrison Kelly's Blog, page 34
February 6, 2020
Low Bar
You’re still nicer than a murderer in prison
You’re still tougher than a newborn kitten
You’re still smarter than dirty toilet paper
Still more put-together than a meth taker
Still wiser than a screaming kid on a plane
You’re still a better brother than Cain
You’re still a better writer than E.L. James
Still more tolerable than hemorrhoid pain
Still more beautiful than a razor-fanged demon
Still more innocent than a pedophile’s semen
Still healthier than grandpa on his deathbed
Still less ironic than a rapist going to heaven
Still younger than the corpse of Cleopatra
Don’t let these low bars become a distraction
You wanted some good news for once
This is all I’ve got and it was what it was
I’m sorry the universe is working against you
I should say that for the whole earth too
We’re all in this together, are you in or out?
If you do nothing, there’s no reason to shout
Bad days will come and go like everything else
If you’re up for it, let’s storm the gates of hell
Good news won’t come unless we make it so
This opportunity is yours to claim or to blow
You’re still tougher than a newborn kitten
You’re still smarter than dirty toilet paper
Still more put-together than a meth taker
Still wiser than a screaming kid on a plane
You’re still a better brother than Cain
You’re still a better writer than E.L. James
Still more tolerable than hemorrhoid pain
Still more beautiful than a razor-fanged demon
Still more innocent than a pedophile’s semen
Still healthier than grandpa on his deathbed
Still less ironic than a rapist going to heaven
Still younger than the corpse of Cleopatra
Don’t let these low bars become a distraction
You wanted some good news for once
This is all I’ve got and it was what it was
I’m sorry the universe is working against you
I should say that for the whole earth too
We’re all in this together, are you in or out?
If you do nothing, there’s no reason to shout
Bad days will come and go like everything else
If you’re up for it, let’s storm the gates of hell
Good news won’t come unless we make it so
This opportunity is yours to claim or to blow
February 3, 2020
Not Reading Your Own Reviews
***NOT READING YOUR OWN REVIEWS***
If you’re an author or creator of any kind, there’s one universal fact that you’ll have to blindly accept right off the bat: you will have critics, you will have bad reviews, and there’s nothing you can do about it other than keep on keeping on. It took me a LONG ass time to accept this, but I’m in a better position in my life because I did. Everyone in your audience has a unique point of view and that’s the way it should be. You don’t get to be a ruthless North Korean dictator just because you have sensitive feelings. But having said all of this, while you’re required to accept the fact you will be criticized, you are NOT obligated to read your own negative reviews.
That’s not the same thing as accepting feedback from your inner circle. Beta readers and editors are there for the sole purpose of giving you constructive feedback and advice on how to fix your manuscript’s worst flaws. You should welcome these people into your life because that’s how you get better as a writer. But reviewers are an entirely different animal altogether. Once your book is published, all bets are off. Reviewers are not obligated to be kind or constructive. Their job is to give an honest opinion of the work in question, nothing more, nothing less. Reviews are not written for the benefit of the author. They’re for the benefit of future readers, whether it’s advice to stay away from the published work or gravitate towards it en masse.
But just because someone is entitled to their negative opinion of you and your work, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to read what they have to say. That should be reserved for the beta readers and editors. Getting negative reviews is stressful. I know this because I’ve gotten a few of them myself (surprise, surprise) and haven’t brought myself to read what they actually say. You could argue that I’m a special little snowflake who gets easily hurt and you’d be right in that regard. Having a litany of mental health issues weakens my defenses when it comes to receiving harsh words. I want desperately to be a superhuman badass in the face of adversity, but I don’t get to have that choice. It seems as though every one of my author friends is secretly Superman or Wonder Woman, but I forget that they too have bad days when it comes to criticism. The only difference is, they have the ability to endure more than I can and it shows in their marketing schemes.
I’ve been watching a lot of Book Tube lately and had a nice little marketing strategy in mind: sending copies of my already published books to them and having them make videos about their honest opinions. I enjoy watching creators like Krimson Rogue, Rachel Oates, and Jordan Harvey work their magic. They’re entertaining, they’re thoughtful, they’re wise, and they’re the perfect candidates for reviewing my books, right? Well, that’s where my overactive, anxious imagination comes into play. I’ve played out tear-jerking scenarios in my head where these Book Tubers create videos bashing the shit out of my works and sending their viewers over to my social media to mob me out of existence. I know full well they’re not mean people. In fact, most of them don’t believe in cancel culture. But the thoughts have crossed my mind nonetheless and they’re maddening.
If they hypothetically were to give my books negative reviews, it’s not like they’d be entirely wrong in their opinions. Over the past decade, I’ve written some disgusting, nasty, overbearing shit and it’s only a matter of time before someone’s head explodes from reading it all. It could be Mitch McLeod coming off as a Gary-Stu. It could be me having a laugh at the expense of people from the south. Hell, one scenario I’ve imagined (but not realized yet) is Krimson Rogue jokingly calling one of my poetry books Confessions of a Schizophrenic Misogynist. For Christ’s sake, the book starts off by saying, “True blue, I don’t need a 62, your wife’s sweet juices will just have to do.” I don’t want to say that’s a red flag, but…well, it’s a red flag. A BIG fucking red flag.
Yes, my writing career has stagnated due to my lack of marketing prowess. Yes, I know what I need to do to fix that. But am I prepared for the consequences of doing so? Far from it. I’ve been mobbed online before and it’s not fun. Hell, I’ve gotten sad and angry when the harsh criticism was delivered in a gentle way. Like I said, I long for the day when I can be an ultra-tough superman, but I also know that day is never going to come, not in my condition. I firmly believe mental toughness is something you’re born with. Sure, you could sign up for the army and grow accustomed to having a drill instructor scream in your face 24/7, but if you’re not already mentally tough, that won’t build you up; it’ll knock your ass down for the count. I was born sensitive and I’ll take that to the grave with me several decades down the line.
So…if I were to follow through with my plan to allow Book Tubers to review what I’ve got and give an honest opinion, I should include one condition to the deal: that no matter how offensive the content is, we will still be friends. I’ll gladly agree to my end of that deal. If they give me one and two-star reviews, I will still think of them as my favorite friends. But will they feel the same about me? Yes, I consider some of these Book Tubers to be friends despite not knowing them well enough. Maybe I’m just a fan of their work and don’t want to be cast down by my own heroes. Maybe this condition isn’t necessary at all. But no matter if I include this provision or not, I still remain firm in my belief that reading my own reviews and watching my own response videos will only do more harm than good. Yes, I’d get the exposure I need, but like I said earlier, reviews are not for authors; they are for other readers. True critiques will come from your beta readers and editors. Hannah Lee Kidder, the author of Little Birds, agrees wholeheartedly with me and she’s more successful than I am at the moment, so if you can’t take my word for it, take hers.
If you want a copy of any of my books and you want to give an honest review of it, don’t be afraid to reach out to me. Your opinion matters. Nobody can take that away from you. Here’s my bibliography:
1. Occupy Wrestling (pro-wrestling urban fantasy novella)
2. American Darkness (contemporary micro-fiction collection)
3. Poison Tongue Tales (sci-fi, fantasy, and horror micro-fiction collection)
4. Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage (poetry and songs)
5. Necrograph (more poetry and songs)
6. Lunatic Justice (even more poetry and songs)
7. Still Standing (anti-bullying anthology alongside other authors)
Which one of you wants a nice reading adventure? I’m all ears! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***
It’s been a long time in between edit jobs, but as of today, I’ve completed a chapter-by-chapter synopsis, a prologue, and six opening chapters. Chapter seven will be the one where Shelly Atwood and one of her minions give Windham Xavier a bath. What could be so exciting about that, you ask? First of all, as I’ve already established, Shelly Atwood has no business touching Windham on any part of this body, much less when he’s butt naked in bath water. Eventually, he’s going to have to make a break for it. And he just fucking might!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“This world asks for so much. Despite what you give, it’s just never enough. Then you’re left cold, tired, and alone. Searching for something that’s already gone. You try not to be afraid. Bound down by all of these things that they say. And you feel like you’re all by yourself. But I’ll be right here when there’s nothing left. Your fears, they know that you’re scared. Wherever you go, they seem to meet you there. And you face them all on your own. Never the weak, always the strong. And you win most of the time. Never once claiming that victory’s mine. And you carry this burden alone. But this candle’s burned at both ends for so long. Lay down. Rest here in peace in my arms now knowing you’re safe from the storms and the rain and from all of your pain. And I’ll be here when only the silence remains.”
-3 Doors Down singing “The Silence Remains”-
If you’re an author or creator of any kind, there’s one universal fact that you’ll have to blindly accept right off the bat: you will have critics, you will have bad reviews, and there’s nothing you can do about it other than keep on keeping on. It took me a LONG ass time to accept this, but I’m in a better position in my life because I did. Everyone in your audience has a unique point of view and that’s the way it should be. You don’t get to be a ruthless North Korean dictator just because you have sensitive feelings. But having said all of this, while you’re required to accept the fact you will be criticized, you are NOT obligated to read your own negative reviews.
That’s not the same thing as accepting feedback from your inner circle. Beta readers and editors are there for the sole purpose of giving you constructive feedback and advice on how to fix your manuscript’s worst flaws. You should welcome these people into your life because that’s how you get better as a writer. But reviewers are an entirely different animal altogether. Once your book is published, all bets are off. Reviewers are not obligated to be kind or constructive. Their job is to give an honest opinion of the work in question, nothing more, nothing less. Reviews are not written for the benefit of the author. They’re for the benefit of future readers, whether it’s advice to stay away from the published work or gravitate towards it en masse.
But just because someone is entitled to their negative opinion of you and your work, it doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to read what they have to say. That should be reserved for the beta readers and editors. Getting negative reviews is stressful. I know this because I’ve gotten a few of them myself (surprise, surprise) and haven’t brought myself to read what they actually say. You could argue that I’m a special little snowflake who gets easily hurt and you’d be right in that regard. Having a litany of mental health issues weakens my defenses when it comes to receiving harsh words. I want desperately to be a superhuman badass in the face of adversity, but I don’t get to have that choice. It seems as though every one of my author friends is secretly Superman or Wonder Woman, but I forget that they too have bad days when it comes to criticism. The only difference is, they have the ability to endure more than I can and it shows in their marketing schemes.
I’ve been watching a lot of Book Tube lately and had a nice little marketing strategy in mind: sending copies of my already published books to them and having them make videos about their honest opinions. I enjoy watching creators like Krimson Rogue, Rachel Oates, and Jordan Harvey work their magic. They’re entertaining, they’re thoughtful, they’re wise, and they’re the perfect candidates for reviewing my books, right? Well, that’s where my overactive, anxious imagination comes into play. I’ve played out tear-jerking scenarios in my head where these Book Tubers create videos bashing the shit out of my works and sending their viewers over to my social media to mob me out of existence. I know full well they’re not mean people. In fact, most of them don’t believe in cancel culture. But the thoughts have crossed my mind nonetheless and they’re maddening.
If they hypothetically were to give my books negative reviews, it’s not like they’d be entirely wrong in their opinions. Over the past decade, I’ve written some disgusting, nasty, overbearing shit and it’s only a matter of time before someone’s head explodes from reading it all. It could be Mitch McLeod coming off as a Gary-Stu. It could be me having a laugh at the expense of people from the south. Hell, one scenario I’ve imagined (but not realized yet) is Krimson Rogue jokingly calling one of my poetry books Confessions of a Schizophrenic Misogynist. For Christ’s sake, the book starts off by saying, “True blue, I don’t need a 62, your wife’s sweet juices will just have to do.” I don’t want to say that’s a red flag, but…well, it’s a red flag. A BIG fucking red flag.
Yes, my writing career has stagnated due to my lack of marketing prowess. Yes, I know what I need to do to fix that. But am I prepared for the consequences of doing so? Far from it. I’ve been mobbed online before and it’s not fun. Hell, I’ve gotten sad and angry when the harsh criticism was delivered in a gentle way. Like I said, I long for the day when I can be an ultra-tough superman, but I also know that day is never going to come, not in my condition. I firmly believe mental toughness is something you’re born with. Sure, you could sign up for the army and grow accustomed to having a drill instructor scream in your face 24/7, but if you’re not already mentally tough, that won’t build you up; it’ll knock your ass down for the count. I was born sensitive and I’ll take that to the grave with me several decades down the line.
So…if I were to follow through with my plan to allow Book Tubers to review what I’ve got and give an honest opinion, I should include one condition to the deal: that no matter how offensive the content is, we will still be friends. I’ll gladly agree to my end of that deal. If they give me one and two-star reviews, I will still think of them as my favorite friends. But will they feel the same about me? Yes, I consider some of these Book Tubers to be friends despite not knowing them well enough. Maybe I’m just a fan of their work and don’t want to be cast down by my own heroes. Maybe this condition isn’t necessary at all. But no matter if I include this provision or not, I still remain firm in my belief that reading my own reviews and watching my own response videos will only do more harm than good. Yes, I’d get the exposure I need, but like I said earlier, reviews are not for authors; they are for other readers. True critiques will come from your beta readers and editors. Hannah Lee Kidder, the author of Little Birds, agrees wholeheartedly with me and she’s more successful than I am at the moment, so if you can’t take my word for it, take hers.
If you want a copy of any of my books and you want to give an honest review of it, don’t be afraid to reach out to me. Your opinion matters. Nobody can take that away from you. Here’s my bibliography:
1. Occupy Wrestling (pro-wrestling urban fantasy novella)
2. American Darkness (contemporary micro-fiction collection)
3. Poison Tongue Tales (sci-fi, fantasy, and horror micro-fiction collection)
4. Confessions of a Schizophrenic Savage (poetry and songs)
5. Necrograph (more poetry and songs)
6. Lunatic Justice (even more poetry and songs)
7. Still Standing (anti-bullying anthology alongside other authors)
Which one of you wants a nice reading adventure? I’m all ears! I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***
It’s been a long time in between edit jobs, but as of today, I’ve completed a chapter-by-chapter synopsis, a prologue, and six opening chapters. Chapter seven will be the one where Shelly Atwood and one of her minions give Windham Xavier a bath. What could be so exciting about that, you ask? First of all, as I’ve already established, Shelly Atwood has no business touching Windham on any part of this body, much less when he’s butt naked in bath water. Eventually, he’s going to have to make a break for it. And he just fucking might!
***LYRICS OF THE DAY***
“This world asks for so much. Despite what you give, it’s just never enough. Then you’re left cold, tired, and alone. Searching for something that’s already gone. You try not to be afraid. Bound down by all of these things that they say. And you feel like you’re all by yourself. But I’ll be right here when there’s nothing left. Your fears, they know that you’re scared. Wherever you go, they seem to meet you there. And you face them all on your own. Never the weak, always the strong. And you win most of the time. Never once claiming that victory’s mine. And you carry this burden alone. But this candle’s burned at both ends for so long. Lay down. Rest here in peace in my arms now knowing you’re safe from the storms and the rain and from all of your pain. And I’ll be here when only the silence remains.”
-3 Doors Down singing “The Silence Remains”-
February 1, 2020
Inglorious Basterds
MOVIE TITLE: Inglorious Basterds
DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino
YEAR: 2009
GENRE: War Movie
RATING: R for violence, language, and sexual content
GRADE: Mixed
With all the political tension in today’s world, who wouldn’t want to escape into a world of Nazi-slaying fun? Cutting off their scalps, beating them with a bat, shooting them up, burning them down, if there’s a way to kill a Nazi in World War II, Aldo Raine and his troops will make it happen. You know who else will make it happen? A lone Jewish woman named Shosanna whose family was slaughtered by the Nazi war machine. That’s a lot of vengeful desires from anybody not involved in the Third Reich. There’s no possible way that this movie could be anything but perfect, right? Well, that’s where Quentin Tarantino’s biggest fault comes into play: sometimes his movies drag on for an excruciatingly long time. Inglorious Basterds was no exception to that rule. I realize a movie can’t be all action and no drama, but the reverse is also true if the idea is to make a revenge flick: it can’t be all drama and too little action. Some of the chapters could have been cut short and it wouldn’t have hurt the movie in any way, especially the chapter where the Nazis play the card game at a bar. If you want your bloodthirsty fun, you’ll have to get in line like everyone else.
But when you get exactly what you wanted out of this film, it’ll be exactly as you expected. The outcome of the story was never in doubt for even a second. Aldo Raine and his troops are overpowered in spite of the fact that some of them get killed along the way. Shosanna’s own plans for revenge are so brilliant that detailed that no German soldier could possibly crack her code. Everything that could go right in this movie did go right…except for the element of surprise for the audience. I guess when the genre is described as a “revenge flick”, it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. No serious detective work has to be done. But can I at least believe for one small minute that the good guys have a chance of losing? Having a few of their soldiers killed vulnerability does not make. I want to see some flaws. I want to see some cracks in the world’s most impressive plot armor. Maybe if the German propaganda machine took these kinds of notes, their films wouldn’t look so ridiculous on screen.
If you think this review is going to be a nonstop bash-fest, you’re wrong. It was enjoyable for what it was. Quentin Tarantino’s dialogue will always deliver no matter what the genre of his movies. The subterfuge his characters engage in is also an impressive feat that required an extraordinary amount of creativity. Above all else, however, I must give my highest praise to the character work of Hans Lander, the Nazi colonel nicknamed the “Jew Hunter”. No, I’m not condoning his belief system, just his villainy. Whenever he interrogates someone, he knows he’s got his victims by the throat. He purposefully tiptoes around the answers he receives to give his liars a false sense of hope. I’d call this a perfect game of cat and mouse…if the cat had drill bits for fangs, battleaxes for claws, and venom for drool. I’d dare say that Hans is even more intimidating and dangerous than his boss Hitler himself. He’s so believable as a villain that he can almost negate my earlier point of the outcome being too predicable. Key word being almost.
It wouldn’t be fair to call Inglorious Basterds my least favorite Quentin Tarantino movie, because all in all I did enjoy it. Having a least favorite Tarantino movie is like having a least favorite flavor of ice cream: in the end, it’s still ice cream and it’s still going to be more delicious than the creamy strudel Shosanna and Landers shared in the high scale restaurant. This movie gets a mixed grade from me, but it’ll be a high mixed, which means three-and-a-half stars out of five. In the interest of being decisive and honest, I’ll round it down to a solid three. Being average doesn’t have to be a bad thing, right?
DIRECTOR: Quentin Tarantino
YEAR: 2009
GENRE: War Movie
RATING: R for violence, language, and sexual content
GRADE: Mixed
With all the political tension in today’s world, who wouldn’t want to escape into a world of Nazi-slaying fun? Cutting off their scalps, beating them with a bat, shooting them up, burning them down, if there’s a way to kill a Nazi in World War II, Aldo Raine and his troops will make it happen. You know who else will make it happen? A lone Jewish woman named Shosanna whose family was slaughtered by the Nazi war machine. That’s a lot of vengeful desires from anybody not involved in the Third Reich. There’s no possible way that this movie could be anything but perfect, right? Well, that’s where Quentin Tarantino’s biggest fault comes into play: sometimes his movies drag on for an excruciatingly long time. Inglorious Basterds was no exception to that rule. I realize a movie can’t be all action and no drama, but the reverse is also true if the idea is to make a revenge flick: it can’t be all drama and too little action. Some of the chapters could have been cut short and it wouldn’t have hurt the movie in any way, especially the chapter where the Nazis play the card game at a bar. If you want your bloodthirsty fun, you’ll have to get in line like everyone else.
But when you get exactly what you wanted out of this film, it’ll be exactly as you expected. The outcome of the story was never in doubt for even a second. Aldo Raine and his troops are overpowered in spite of the fact that some of them get killed along the way. Shosanna’s own plans for revenge are so brilliant that detailed that no German soldier could possibly crack her code. Everything that could go right in this movie did go right…except for the element of surprise for the audience. I guess when the genre is described as a “revenge flick”, it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. No serious detective work has to be done. But can I at least believe for one small minute that the good guys have a chance of losing? Having a few of their soldiers killed vulnerability does not make. I want to see some flaws. I want to see some cracks in the world’s most impressive plot armor. Maybe if the German propaganda machine took these kinds of notes, their films wouldn’t look so ridiculous on screen.
If you think this review is going to be a nonstop bash-fest, you’re wrong. It was enjoyable for what it was. Quentin Tarantino’s dialogue will always deliver no matter what the genre of his movies. The subterfuge his characters engage in is also an impressive feat that required an extraordinary amount of creativity. Above all else, however, I must give my highest praise to the character work of Hans Lander, the Nazi colonel nicknamed the “Jew Hunter”. No, I’m not condoning his belief system, just his villainy. Whenever he interrogates someone, he knows he’s got his victims by the throat. He purposefully tiptoes around the answers he receives to give his liars a false sense of hope. I’d call this a perfect game of cat and mouse…if the cat had drill bits for fangs, battleaxes for claws, and venom for drool. I’d dare say that Hans is even more intimidating and dangerous than his boss Hitler himself. He’s so believable as a villain that he can almost negate my earlier point of the outcome being too predicable. Key word being almost.
It wouldn’t be fair to call Inglorious Basterds my least favorite Quentin Tarantino movie, because all in all I did enjoy it. Having a least favorite Tarantino movie is like having a least favorite flavor of ice cream: in the end, it’s still ice cream and it’s still going to be more delicious than the creamy strudel Shosanna and Landers shared in the high scale restaurant. This movie gets a mixed grade from me, but it’ll be a high mixed, which means three-and-a-half stars out of five. In the interest of being decisive and honest, I’ll round it down to a solid three. Being average doesn’t have to be a bad thing, right?
January 29, 2020
Evil Shit
VERSE 1
I’ve said some evil shit in my day
Most of it I cannot wash away
Words as weapons, letters as venom
My list of sins appeared to be endless
I’m not an angel nor will I ever be
Neither are you, you sin just like me
Everyone’s got something to hide
But sharing it’s a matter of pride
CHORUS
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Fire to breathe! Poison to spit!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Pure of heart? You’re full of it!
VERSE 2
I’ve done some evil shit in my time
But if I confessed every single crime
We’d be here forever and a day
Not enough room for us to pray
I’m not a cherub or a honey child
I’m not innocent, tender, or mild
Your list of sins is just like mine
God won’t listen to you whine
CHORUS
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Fire to breathe! Poison to spit!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Pure of heart? You’re full of it!
BRIDGE
Let’s all go to church together
It won’t make everything better
Nobody would ever die for us
Only in ourselves should we trust
EXTENDED CHORUS
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Fire to breathe! Poison to spit!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Pure of heart? You’re full of it!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Bullets to shoot! Axes to grind!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Never let the blind lead the blind!
I’ve said some evil shit in my day
Most of it I cannot wash away
Words as weapons, letters as venom
My list of sins appeared to be endless
I’m not an angel nor will I ever be
Neither are you, you sin just like me
Everyone’s got something to hide
But sharing it’s a matter of pride
CHORUS
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Fire to breathe! Poison to spit!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Pure of heart? You’re full of it!
VERSE 2
I’ve done some evil shit in my time
But if I confessed every single crime
We’d be here forever and a day
Not enough room for us to pray
I’m not a cherub or a honey child
I’m not innocent, tender, or mild
Your list of sins is just like mine
God won’t listen to you whine
CHORUS
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Fire to breathe! Poison to spit!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Pure of heart? You’re full of it!
BRIDGE
Let’s all go to church together
It won’t make everything better
Nobody would ever die for us
Only in ourselves should we trust
EXTENDED CHORUS
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Fire to breathe! Poison to spit!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Pure of heart? You’re full of it!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Bullets to shoot! Axes to grind!
Evil shit! Evil shit!
Never let the blind lead the blind!
January 24, 2020
Head Over Heels
I can’t ignore you any longer
My attraction to you is stronger
Lord knows I’ve tried to run
Lord knows I was all but done
To say my crush never happened
Doesn’t give me satisfaction
Doesn’t bring me mental peace
Cure my sadness in the least
By being honest with myself
I’m taking control of my health
Isn’t that what love is all about?
Why plant the seeds of doubt?
Because it feels so damn wrong?
It doesn’t make a good song?
People can’t stop laughing?
It’s a sin to just be happy?
I’m sick of lying to myself
Pretending to be someone else
I’m allowed to say, “I love you”
I know these words to be true
Head over heels and unashamed
Nothing can ever be the same
Broken heart can always restart
Even when ripped clean apart
One of these days I’ll say it to you
I’ve got nothing left inside to lose
Yes or no? Please think about it
Even if your answer is to shout it
Only then will I figure it out
Was it right of me to doubt?
Were my feelings valid all along?
Or have I always been so wrong?
My attraction to you is stronger
Lord knows I’ve tried to run
Lord knows I was all but done
To say my crush never happened
Doesn’t give me satisfaction
Doesn’t bring me mental peace
Cure my sadness in the least
By being honest with myself
I’m taking control of my health
Isn’t that what love is all about?
Why plant the seeds of doubt?
Because it feels so damn wrong?
It doesn’t make a good song?
People can’t stop laughing?
It’s a sin to just be happy?
I’m sick of lying to myself
Pretending to be someone else
I’m allowed to say, “I love you”
I know these words to be true
Head over heels and unashamed
Nothing can ever be the same
Broken heart can always restart
Even when ripped clean apart
One of these days I’ll say it to you
I’ve got nothing left inside to lose
Yes or no? Please think about it
Even if your answer is to shout it
Only then will I figure it out
Was it right of me to doubt?
Were my feelings valid all along?
Or have I always been so wrong?
The Fanatics
VERSE 1
Science fiction has always been fiction
Brainwashing rhetoric’s part of your diction
Looking like dorks in black slacks and ties
“Boys will be boys, we’re just one of the guys”
Dementia’s done less damage than your ethos
Stripping creativity from ordinary people
A cult of fanatics, that’s all that you are
I’ve heard better speeches from drunks at bars
CHORUS 1
Conga line of doom
Darkness in your room
Poison in your food
You’re the fanatics!
Permanent addicts!
VERSE 2
Leaving your sorry ass like an abusive husband
An army of puppets is what you’ve summoned
There’s nowhere for the escapees to retreat
Dead pets hollowed out and laying at their feet
CHORUS 2
Psychological rot
Void of deep thought
Never ever get caught
You’re the fanatics!
Bringers of madness!
BRIDGE
Just another million dollar check in your account
Your followers grow even bigger in amount
An army of zombies to do whatever you need
A dinner of flesh and bladed mouths to feed
VERSE 3
World domination is what you want the most
Who cares if the innocents end up as ghosts?
Who cares if we have to look over our shoulders?
Who cares if we have no chance of getting older?
Follow our asses all over the fucking planet
Even in outer space you have the advantage
Governments in your pocket, aliens by your side
Nowhere left to run and nowhere left to hide
CHORUS 3
Gossamers in your head
Rape victims in your bed
Your critics end up dead
You’re the fanatics!
Most dangerous faction!
One day you will fall
Hands against the wall
The right to one phone call
You’re the prisoners!
Good riddance, you sinners!
Science fiction has always been fiction
Brainwashing rhetoric’s part of your diction
Looking like dorks in black slacks and ties
“Boys will be boys, we’re just one of the guys”
Dementia’s done less damage than your ethos
Stripping creativity from ordinary people
A cult of fanatics, that’s all that you are
I’ve heard better speeches from drunks at bars
CHORUS 1
Conga line of doom
Darkness in your room
Poison in your food
You’re the fanatics!
Permanent addicts!
VERSE 2
Leaving your sorry ass like an abusive husband
An army of puppets is what you’ve summoned
There’s nowhere for the escapees to retreat
Dead pets hollowed out and laying at their feet
CHORUS 2
Psychological rot
Void of deep thought
Never ever get caught
You’re the fanatics!
Bringers of madness!
BRIDGE
Just another million dollar check in your account
Your followers grow even bigger in amount
An army of zombies to do whatever you need
A dinner of flesh and bladed mouths to feed
VERSE 3
World domination is what you want the most
Who cares if the innocents end up as ghosts?
Who cares if we have to look over our shoulders?
Who cares if we have no chance of getting older?
Follow our asses all over the fucking planet
Even in outer space you have the advantage
Governments in your pocket, aliens by your side
Nowhere left to run and nowhere left to hide
CHORUS 3
Gossamers in your head
Rape victims in your bed
Your critics end up dead
You’re the fanatics!
Most dangerous faction!
One day you will fall
Hands against the wall
The right to one phone call
You’re the prisoners!
Good riddance, you sinners!
January 21, 2020
Latent Maturity
***LATENT MATURITY***
So…whenever a public figure fucks up beyond belief, it can usually be linked to how old they were at the time it happened. This is especially true when the perpetrator is a teenager and in some cases in their early twenties (not all cases, but some). The younger you are, the more forgivable you are in the eyes of the public. But what about fucking up badly in your later years? Suppose you do something horrible in your late twenties and apologize for it in your thirties or forties? Only then do you not have an easy way out of your predicament.
Whenever a teenager writes horrible fan fiction that accidentally glorifies monstrous behavior, they can be easily forgiven. But if that author was older and allegedly wiser, then the criticisms become harsher. An example of this is Anna Todd, the author of the One Direction romantic fan fiction After. The book got a lot of heat for lionizing abusive relationships, cheating, and overall deplorable behavior. Anna Todd wrote that book’s first draft when she was in her early twenties. Because she should have “known better” at that age, many of the attacks on After were lobbied against her as a person. Is this fair? Does she legitimately not know how the human experience works or is this some part of an evil conspiracy?
As many of you are painfully aware, I have my own experience with writing awful and tone deaf first drafts. Beautiful Monster, anyone? I didn’t figure this out on my own, but the first draft version of Tarja was manipulative as hell and incredibly nosy when it came to being therapeutic to Windham. Yes, you heard that right. Somebody else had to point this out to me. As a bonus to this juicy backstory, I just celebrated my thirty-third birthday when I completed this first draft. As someone with that much life experience, I should have known better than to make Tarja Rikkinen a super-creep. But that’s the thing: I DON’T have a wealth of life experience. I DON’T have a treasure trove of wisdom. In today’s world I’m thirty-four years old and I’m still taking too long to mature.
But when it comes to first drafts, authors should be given as much permission as possible to fuck up badly. First drafts are NEVER perfect when they’re barfed onto the page. Even well-established authors will tell you this. If you see a first draft of a novel and you want to point out mistakes, be forgiving and nonjudgmental. Every author deserves the benefit of the doubt. But the thing with Anna Todd’s book is, from what Book Tubers have said about it, it reads like it never made it past the first draft stage. It has so many typos, so many plot holes, and so many shitty characters. No sane editor would have allowed any of those mistakes to stand. And yet, here we are in 2020 and After not only is a published novel, but a fucking movie. By the way, I’m using the F-bomb as an adjective, but the movie could very well be about the act of fucking.
Here’s my stance on latent maturity. Fucking up badly is not exclusive to any age, whether you’re a teenager, an adult, or shit, let’s extend that to the elder years. My only concern is, did the offender grow as a result of this mistake? Did they change their ways? Did they learn the lessons they were supposed to learn? If the answer to these questions is yes, then that person should be forgiven, provided the crimes committed weren’t overly serious. Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein don’t deserve forgiveness. I rest my case.
So if I really do lack the necessary life experience to make rational decisions about my first draft, then why am I a writer? Isn’t wisdom a requirement for being successful in that industry? It is indeed. In fact, I have just enough wisdom to know that I need help crossing the street from time to time. I certainly don’t want to be offensive when I write first drafts, but it does happen and I need people to point this out to me without holding a blade to my throat.
I used to hate criticism so much that I’d reject all of it no matter how reasonable it was. Now that I’ve gained just a little bit of wisdom, I know that criticism is vital to my success as an author. I can’t have a career without it. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. But does the criticism come from a place of love? Hell yeah it does. That’s something we as creative people owe each other: a place of love, forgiveness, and growth. If we’re being judged all the time for our worst mistakes, we’ll never get anything done. That’s not productive in the least.
Beautiful Monster is hardly the most offensive first draft novel I’ve written. In 2018, I wrote two others named Silent Warrior and Incelbordination, both of which are about school life. Because they are first drafts by their very nature and I don’t trust my wisdom one single bit, there are things going on in both of those novels that I don’t know could be offensive as fuck. Is Scott George from Silent Warrior a creep because of who he’s dating? Am I sending the wrong message by having his girlfriend heal him? Did I also create a bratty protagonist that nobody wants to cheer for?
What about Incelbordination? Is Oswald Crow a whiny bitch? Do I overplay the fact that he has dwarfism? Does he have any real dimension to him other than smoking pot, being short, and listening to heavy metal? Is having him pine for romantic love a sexist trope? It’ll be a while before I’m ready to have those two first drafts critiqued. I’ve got my hands full with Beautiful Monster and Emilio & Marigold. And goddamn, do those stories have some SERIOUS fucking problems!
To cap off what is already a very rambling blog entry, I just want to tell each and every one of my dearly beloveds out there to be kind to each other and don’t judge each other too harshly. Does Anna Todd deserve forgiveness? What about E.L. James? Or Stephanie Meyer? Is being naïve really an excuse or is the damage done too overwhelming? These are all reasonable debates that you can have among your friends and audience members. But when you have these debates…please be kind and if necessary, rewind. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***
I’m certainly taking my sweet time with editing the shit out of my novel. It could be the creative burnout. It could be general tiredness. Or it could be that my slowness has been right all along and that I should take more time to think about how I’m going to fix these longstanding problems. As of this blog entry, I’m getting ready to edit chapter five, where the readers are first introduced to Tarja Rikkinen, the token female mercenary at Shadow Asylum. Or as Commander Rinehart calls her, the “diversity hire”. We know right away that she’s an excellent fighter, but being insanely violent doesn’t necessarily make for a likeable character. She needs something extra. But what will that extra nuance be? Her love for animals? Her penchant for cracking jokes at inappropriate times? Or maybe…Shelly Atwood will invade her thoughts and implore Tarja to…spill her secret! What secret is that? Well, if I told you all, it wouldn’t be a fucking secret! Stay tuned. Or as Lindsey Doe says on You Tube, stay curious!
***QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Love is one of the most intense feelings felt by man; another is hate. Forcing yourself to feel indiscriminate love is very unnatural. If you try to love everyone you only lessen your feelings for those who deserve your love. Repressed hatred can lead to many physical and emotional ailments. By learning to release your hatred towards those who deserve it, you cleanse yourself of these malignant emotions and need not take your pent-up hatred out on your loved ones.”
-Anton LaVey-
So…whenever a public figure fucks up beyond belief, it can usually be linked to how old they were at the time it happened. This is especially true when the perpetrator is a teenager and in some cases in their early twenties (not all cases, but some). The younger you are, the more forgivable you are in the eyes of the public. But what about fucking up badly in your later years? Suppose you do something horrible in your late twenties and apologize for it in your thirties or forties? Only then do you not have an easy way out of your predicament.
Whenever a teenager writes horrible fan fiction that accidentally glorifies monstrous behavior, they can be easily forgiven. But if that author was older and allegedly wiser, then the criticisms become harsher. An example of this is Anna Todd, the author of the One Direction romantic fan fiction After. The book got a lot of heat for lionizing abusive relationships, cheating, and overall deplorable behavior. Anna Todd wrote that book’s first draft when she was in her early twenties. Because she should have “known better” at that age, many of the attacks on After were lobbied against her as a person. Is this fair? Does she legitimately not know how the human experience works or is this some part of an evil conspiracy?
As many of you are painfully aware, I have my own experience with writing awful and tone deaf first drafts. Beautiful Monster, anyone? I didn’t figure this out on my own, but the first draft version of Tarja was manipulative as hell and incredibly nosy when it came to being therapeutic to Windham. Yes, you heard that right. Somebody else had to point this out to me. As a bonus to this juicy backstory, I just celebrated my thirty-third birthday when I completed this first draft. As someone with that much life experience, I should have known better than to make Tarja Rikkinen a super-creep. But that’s the thing: I DON’T have a wealth of life experience. I DON’T have a treasure trove of wisdom. In today’s world I’m thirty-four years old and I’m still taking too long to mature.
But when it comes to first drafts, authors should be given as much permission as possible to fuck up badly. First drafts are NEVER perfect when they’re barfed onto the page. Even well-established authors will tell you this. If you see a first draft of a novel and you want to point out mistakes, be forgiving and nonjudgmental. Every author deserves the benefit of the doubt. But the thing with Anna Todd’s book is, from what Book Tubers have said about it, it reads like it never made it past the first draft stage. It has so many typos, so many plot holes, and so many shitty characters. No sane editor would have allowed any of those mistakes to stand. And yet, here we are in 2020 and After not only is a published novel, but a fucking movie. By the way, I’m using the F-bomb as an adjective, but the movie could very well be about the act of fucking.
Here’s my stance on latent maturity. Fucking up badly is not exclusive to any age, whether you’re a teenager, an adult, or shit, let’s extend that to the elder years. My only concern is, did the offender grow as a result of this mistake? Did they change their ways? Did they learn the lessons they were supposed to learn? If the answer to these questions is yes, then that person should be forgiven, provided the crimes committed weren’t overly serious. Donald Trump and Jeffrey Epstein don’t deserve forgiveness. I rest my case.
So if I really do lack the necessary life experience to make rational decisions about my first draft, then why am I a writer? Isn’t wisdom a requirement for being successful in that industry? It is indeed. In fact, I have just enough wisdom to know that I need help crossing the street from time to time. I certainly don’t want to be offensive when I write first drafts, but it does happen and I need people to point this out to me without holding a blade to my throat.
I used to hate criticism so much that I’d reject all of it no matter how reasonable it was. Now that I’ve gained just a little bit of wisdom, I know that criticism is vital to my success as an author. I can’t have a career without it. Does it hurt sometimes? Absolutely. But does the criticism come from a place of love? Hell yeah it does. That’s something we as creative people owe each other: a place of love, forgiveness, and growth. If we’re being judged all the time for our worst mistakes, we’ll never get anything done. That’s not productive in the least.
Beautiful Monster is hardly the most offensive first draft novel I’ve written. In 2018, I wrote two others named Silent Warrior and Incelbordination, both of which are about school life. Because they are first drafts by their very nature and I don’t trust my wisdom one single bit, there are things going on in both of those novels that I don’t know could be offensive as fuck. Is Scott George from Silent Warrior a creep because of who he’s dating? Am I sending the wrong message by having his girlfriend heal him? Did I also create a bratty protagonist that nobody wants to cheer for?
What about Incelbordination? Is Oswald Crow a whiny bitch? Do I overplay the fact that he has dwarfism? Does he have any real dimension to him other than smoking pot, being short, and listening to heavy metal? Is having him pine for romantic love a sexist trope? It’ll be a while before I’m ready to have those two first drafts critiqued. I’ve got my hands full with Beautiful Monster and Emilio & Marigold. And goddamn, do those stories have some SERIOUS fucking problems!
To cap off what is already a very rambling blog entry, I just want to tell each and every one of my dearly beloveds out there to be kind to each other and don’t judge each other too harshly. Does Anna Todd deserve forgiveness? What about E.L. James? Or Stephanie Meyer? Is being naïve really an excuse or is the damage done too overwhelming? These are all reasonable debates that you can have among your friends and audience members. But when you have these debates…please be kind and if necessary, rewind. I’m Garrison Kelly! Until next time, try to enjoy the daylight!
***BEAUTIFUL MONSTER PROGRESS***
I’m certainly taking my sweet time with editing the shit out of my novel. It could be the creative burnout. It could be general tiredness. Or it could be that my slowness has been right all along and that I should take more time to think about how I’m going to fix these longstanding problems. As of this blog entry, I’m getting ready to edit chapter five, where the readers are first introduced to Tarja Rikkinen, the token female mercenary at Shadow Asylum. Or as Commander Rinehart calls her, the “diversity hire”. We know right away that she’s an excellent fighter, but being insanely violent doesn’t necessarily make for a likeable character. She needs something extra. But what will that extra nuance be? Her love for animals? Her penchant for cracking jokes at inappropriate times? Or maybe…Shelly Atwood will invade her thoughts and implore Tarja to…spill her secret! What secret is that? Well, if I told you all, it wouldn’t be a fucking secret! Stay tuned. Or as Lindsey Doe says on You Tube, stay curious!
***QUOTE OF THE DAY***
“Love is one of the most intense feelings felt by man; another is hate. Forcing yourself to feel indiscriminate love is very unnatural. If you try to love everyone you only lessen your feelings for those who deserve your love. Repressed hatred can lead to many physical and emotional ailments. By learning to release your hatred towards those who deserve it, you cleanse yourself of these malignant emotions and need not take your pent-up hatred out on your loved ones.”
-Anton LaVey-
January 20, 2020
Dude Bros
VERSE 1
Dude Bros are pretty, Dude Bros are good
Seems that all they’ve ever wanted was a Monster
Chads are having hot sex, just like they should
Seems that all the Single Pringles need a martyr
CHORUS 1
This is a call to all the pickup tuckers
And cheerleader fuckers
This is a call to all the rap metal bangers
And crystal meth takers
VERSE 2
Kyles are pretty, Kyles are cool
Seems that all they ever wanted was some Death Punch
Karens are like Kyles, but they’re just old school
They say, “Let me speak to your manager” way too much
CHORUS 2
This is a call to all the valor thieves
“Freedom is not free!”
This is a call to all the armchair quarterbacks
“Alternative facts!”
VERSE 3
Kevins are pretty, Kevins are loud
Seems that all they ever wanted was a handgun
Landons are rich kids, Landons are proud
Egos are so big, they think they’ll get a fandom
CHORUS 3
This is a call to all the manly tough guys
Draft dodgers in disguise
This is a call to all the MMA wing nuts
Tapped out to a paper cut
This is a call to all the mansplainers
Whiny complainers
This is a call to all the Dudely Dude Bros
And their bigoted prose
Dude Bros are pretty, Dude Bros are good
Seems that all they’ve ever wanted was a Monster
Chads are having hot sex, just like they should
Seems that all the Single Pringles need a martyr
CHORUS 1
This is a call to all the pickup tuckers
And cheerleader fuckers
This is a call to all the rap metal bangers
And crystal meth takers
VERSE 2
Kyles are pretty, Kyles are cool
Seems that all they ever wanted was some Death Punch
Karens are like Kyles, but they’re just old school
They say, “Let me speak to your manager” way too much
CHORUS 2
This is a call to all the valor thieves
“Freedom is not free!”
This is a call to all the armchair quarterbacks
“Alternative facts!”
VERSE 3
Kevins are pretty, Kevins are loud
Seems that all they ever wanted was a handgun
Landons are rich kids, Landons are proud
Egos are so big, they think they’ll get a fandom
CHORUS 3
This is a call to all the manly tough guys
Draft dodgers in disguise
This is a call to all the MMA wing nuts
Tapped out to a paper cut
This is a call to all the mansplainers
Whiny complainers
This is a call to all the Dudely Dude Bros
And their bigoted prose
January 15, 2020
Remember
CHORUS 1
Remember that school is not about learning
It’s about how many F’s you’re earning
Remember that college is not about growth
It’s about how much money you’ll owe
VERSE 1
Roger Waters had it right all along
Bricks in the wall written down in a song
Don’t want to grow up to be like my teachers
Especially the ones who could pass for preachers
Raise your hand and ask your stupid question
Everyone’s laughter leaves an acidic essence
The report card reads like a crucifixion
Do you still know that it’s only pulp fiction?
CHORUS 2
Remember that school is not about friendship
It’s about tests and assignments so endless
Remember that college is not about skill
It’s about drowning your sadness in pills
VERSE 2
Nobody thinks to befriend the weird kid
Only the beautiful and clearly fearless
Nobody thinks to break the shyness
Of those who live in shadows and silence
CHORUS 3
Remember that school is not about achievements
It’s about keeping your demons a secret
Remember that college is not about jobs
It’s about telling the bullies to fuck off
Remember that love is truly exclusive
Remember that friendship is elusive
Remember that nothing is meant to last
Except the voices of your broken past
BRIDGE
Wash your clothes and cut your hair
Apply for your job like you actually care
The money and benefits just can’t compare
But you know how this ends and it’s unfair
CHORUS 4
Remember!
Remember!
Remember that your teachers are not your friends
Remember that the students aren’t yours to defend
Remember that the curriculum is useless as fuck
Remember as you hold onto your very last buck
Remember!
Remember!
FINAL LINE
Remember I will always love you…if you give me a chance
Remember that school is not about learning
It’s about how many F’s you’re earning
Remember that college is not about growth
It’s about how much money you’ll owe
VERSE 1
Roger Waters had it right all along
Bricks in the wall written down in a song
Don’t want to grow up to be like my teachers
Especially the ones who could pass for preachers
Raise your hand and ask your stupid question
Everyone’s laughter leaves an acidic essence
The report card reads like a crucifixion
Do you still know that it’s only pulp fiction?
CHORUS 2
Remember that school is not about friendship
It’s about tests and assignments so endless
Remember that college is not about skill
It’s about drowning your sadness in pills
VERSE 2
Nobody thinks to befriend the weird kid
Only the beautiful and clearly fearless
Nobody thinks to break the shyness
Of those who live in shadows and silence
CHORUS 3
Remember that school is not about achievements
It’s about keeping your demons a secret
Remember that college is not about jobs
It’s about telling the bullies to fuck off
Remember that love is truly exclusive
Remember that friendship is elusive
Remember that nothing is meant to last
Except the voices of your broken past
BRIDGE
Wash your clothes and cut your hair
Apply for your job like you actually care
The money and benefits just can’t compare
But you know how this ends and it’s unfair
CHORUS 4
Remember!
Remember!
Remember that your teachers are not your friends
Remember that the students aren’t yours to defend
Remember that the curriculum is useless as fuck
Remember as you hold onto your very last buck
Remember!
Remember!
FINAL LINE
Remember I will always love you…if you give me a chance
January 11, 2020
Knives Out
MOVIE TITLE: Knives Out
DIRECTOR: Rian Johnson
YEAR: 2019
GENRE: Murder Mystery
RATING: PG-13 for violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In a family full of rich, spoiled brats who all claim entitlement to Harlan Thromby’s fortune (and are all cut off from his will), who could possibly want him dead the most? Who would want all of that money for themselves so badly that they’re willing to commit revenge murder to get it? Is it book publisher Walt Thromby? Is it social media influencer Joni? Is it alt-right troll boy Jacob? Truth is, everybody in this family is so unlikable that any one of them would make a convincing suspect. Some are more worthy of hate than others and that may lead you, the viewer, to obvious conclusions. You’re tempted by the obvious choice, but know deep down that’s not always the case. This mystery is so nuanced and so complicated that you’ll not only yearn to know who did it, but also how. Any mystery movie that can keep the wheels turning in your mind for as long as possible counts as a great story in my opinion. Knives Out is that great story. That’s what I expected going into the movie theater and that’s what happened.
In a movie genre where lying is paramount, I love the fact that Marta, Harlan’s personal nurse from [insert Latin country here], spills her cookies every time she lies. It could be a clever plot device. It could be a convenient way to keep her honest. Or maybe it’s just a fun little gimmick to make sure the audience knows what side she’s on. Either way, the gimmick doesn’t overstay its welcome and plays an important role in the story so many times that it’s completely necessary. It’s not even a crutch to get out of storytelling plot holes. It’s there because it needs to be. Marta is a kindhearted woman anyways, but even she makes her fair share of enemies in this movie. She’s not a total Mary-Sue in that respect. Plus, she has her own deep dark secret that may or may not influence the detective work going on throughout. The plot will thicken, not unlike the intestinal acid that bursts from Marta’s mouth every time she tells a whopper.
As to be expected with a rogue’s gallery as the main character roster, there will be some bickering among them and there are some genuinely funny moments in their dialogue. The political discussions are incredibly hammy from the basic talking points to the argot used by both the leftwing and rightwing characters. “How’s that SJW degree going, Meg?” says the most obnoxious member of the family Ransom, who’s seen eating a package of cookies at the will reading. Speaking of which, I nearly bust a gut when Walt makes an offhand remark about Harlan leaving Ransom a glass of milk in the will, proceeded by a swear word insult I will not repeat in this review. Even the serious dialogue is entertaining to listen to and at times accidentally comes off as humorous. Bottom line: it’s hard to be bored with a movie like Knives Out whether it’s the dialogue, characters, or overall mystery that you’re intrigued by.
This movie met my expectations the minute I walked through the theater door. No more, no less. I wasn’t expecting to be emotionally tear-jerked by this movie, but then again, Knives Out doesn’t have to do that. It’s just a fun story from beginning to end. It was cleverly crafted, beautifully acted, and not a single detail went to waste. This movie gets four out of five stars a.k.a. the passing grade. Rian Johnson gets a lot of heat for the way he handled his Star Wars movies. I personally don’t have a problem with them, but if Mr. Johnson needed to wash away the muck from his criticism, Knives Out was the movie to do it. Was it considered for an Oscar? I’m not sure, but it should have been.
DIRECTOR: Rian Johnson
YEAR: 2019
GENRE: Murder Mystery
RATING: PG-13 for violence and language
GRADE: Pass
In a family full of rich, spoiled brats who all claim entitlement to Harlan Thromby’s fortune (and are all cut off from his will), who could possibly want him dead the most? Who would want all of that money for themselves so badly that they’re willing to commit revenge murder to get it? Is it book publisher Walt Thromby? Is it social media influencer Joni? Is it alt-right troll boy Jacob? Truth is, everybody in this family is so unlikable that any one of them would make a convincing suspect. Some are more worthy of hate than others and that may lead you, the viewer, to obvious conclusions. You’re tempted by the obvious choice, but know deep down that’s not always the case. This mystery is so nuanced and so complicated that you’ll not only yearn to know who did it, but also how. Any mystery movie that can keep the wheels turning in your mind for as long as possible counts as a great story in my opinion. Knives Out is that great story. That’s what I expected going into the movie theater and that’s what happened.
In a movie genre where lying is paramount, I love the fact that Marta, Harlan’s personal nurse from [insert Latin country here], spills her cookies every time she lies. It could be a clever plot device. It could be a convenient way to keep her honest. Or maybe it’s just a fun little gimmick to make sure the audience knows what side she’s on. Either way, the gimmick doesn’t overstay its welcome and plays an important role in the story so many times that it’s completely necessary. It’s not even a crutch to get out of storytelling plot holes. It’s there because it needs to be. Marta is a kindhearted woman anyways, but even she makes her fair share of enemies in this movie. She’s not a total Mary-Sue in that respect. Plus, she has her own deep dark secret that may or may not influence the detective work going on throughout. The plot will thicken, not unlike the intestinal acid that bursts from Marta’s mouth every time she tells a whopper.
As to be expected with a rogue’s gallery as the main character roster, there will be some bickering among them and there are some genuinely funny moments in their dialogue. The political discussions are incredibly hammy from the basic talking points to the argot used by both the leftwing and rightwing characters. “How’s that SJW degree going, Meg?” says the most obnoxious member of the family Ransom, who’s seen eating a package of cookies at the will reading. Speaking of which, I nearly bust a gut when Walt makes an offhand remark about Harlan leaving Ransom a glass of milk in the will, proceeded by a swear word insult I will not repeat in this review. Even the serious dialogue is entertaining to listen to and at times accidentally comes off as humorous. Bottom line: it’s hard to be bored with a movie like Knives Out whether it’s the dialogue, characters, or overall mystery that you’re intrigued by.
This movie met my expectations the minute I walked through the theater door. No more, no less. I wasn’t expecting to be emotionally tear-jerked by this movie, but then again, Knives Out doesn’t have to do that. It’s just a fun story from beginning to end. It was cleverly crafted, beautifully acted, and not a single detail went to waste. This movie gets four out of five stars a.k.a. the passing grade. Rian Johnson gets a lot of heat for the way he handled his Star Wars movies. I personally don’t have a problem with them, but if Mr. Johnson needed to wash away the muck from his criticism, Knives Out was the movie to do it. Was it considered for an Oscar? I’m not sure, but it should have been.
