Lisa M. Buske's Blog, page 66

A Mother Reunited with her Lost Daughter

Delight yourself in the Lord, 
and he will 
give you 
the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4 ESV

A bittersweet day today...sadness and grief consume us. Instead of blowing out birthday candles or doing some silly girls-night-out for Heidi's 40th birthday, I tied balloons to the garden of remembrance in her name. Instead of buying her gifts, the family bought orange and yellow mums to brighten the garden. This is one way we remember, show our love, and keep hope a verb for our precious Heidi.

At the beginning of summer, my Mom went to the doctors because she didn't feel well. She knew it was different than the usual rheumatoid arthritis pains and it was time to have it checked out. We never expected the Stage 4, terminal cancer diagnosis we received a month later. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. Because of Heidi's kidnapping, our family tends to live for the moment because we know all to well that tomorrow or even an hour from now isn't a guarantee. Mom's diagnosis and prognosis didn't change the way we lived yet we did alter where some of our memories were made.

Instead of day trips here and there, our time was spent at home making mountains of memories. On Friday Mom asked, "What's today?" We told her, "Friday". Then she asked, "When is Heidi's birthday?", to which we responded...on Monday. She said "Okay" and closed her eyes. This was one of the last conversations we had before she went into a comfortable and pain free sleep.

We sang Happy Birthday to Heidi, as a family around her so she knew today is Heidi's birthday. I said a prayer for her, for the reunion she has waited more than twenty-one years for, and for our family, friends, and community. She relaxed and a peaceful sleep entered. I believe in God. Do you? I think my Mom's death is an one more example of her strength, faith, and ability to overcome. Even in her death, she is an example of God's grace, mercy, and love.  Happy Birthday Heidi and Welcome Home Mom!
I bet it was one joyful celebration today...
hence the tears from Heaven.

Happy 40th Birthday Heidi M Allen...

Today is my sister, Heidi Allen's, 40th birthday. She disappeared April 3, 1994 and remains missing more than twenty-one years later. Although we don't know where she is, she is though of often and always near to our hearts and minds. Each year we celebrate Heidi's birthday with balloons and the past few years, some orange mums.

If you haven't seen the garden since its facelift this spring, today's picture highlights each of the photos at each point of the star. At some point today, balloons will be placed at each point too. Always remembered and loved.

Happy birthday Heidi! I love and miss you... If roses grow in heaven
(A Poem to a Sister from a Brother Getting Married)

Lord please pick a bunch for me
place them in my sister's hands
and tell her they're from me
tell her I love her and miss her
and when she turns and smiles
place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for awhile
because remembering her is easy
I do it everyday
but there is an ache within my heart
because I'm missing her today
when everything is said and done
I will cherish this day with a smile
because I know my sister is here with me
as I am walking down the aisle.
As I read this poem the first time I thought "This is perfect" for the way my heart feels sometimes, especially the past few weeks. Then I read the last line and thought..."as I...watch Mom transition to heaven". These aren't the words written by the author yet my mind finished it according to my heart.
If you've lost a sibling, how would your last line read? Will you share?

Let's Have Some Fun and Write Story Together

Earlier this week I posted the following comment to Facebook to see if we, my Facebook friends and I, could write a story. Within minutes, people were posting. Our story starter was...Once upon a time there was a frog, he was so big he...This is the story they wrote...everyone had fun and did a great job.


"Once Upon a time there was a frog, he was so big he...ate banana/because carefully/contemplating doing elephant fat gut home inside jumping kangaroo leaping moaning noodles over pickles quietly rested sublime tirelessly under-water violin worked xylophone zoology." 
Once the alphabet reached "z", someone started back at "a" for a new story. Now it's our turn here on the blog, let's write a story. Here are the rules.

I'll post the starter then you get to start "telling the story" one word at time. There is a catch, we will start with "A" and go to "Z" and if there are more, go through the alphabet again.

So basically, the first person will leave a word that starts with "a", the next person starts their word with a "b" - do you think we can go all the way through the alphabet? Let's have a little fun.
So the first person writes the story started and then leaves a word or short phrase that starts with "a". The next person will write what the first person wrote then add their word or phrase starting with the letter "b", and so on and so on. Our story starter is... The sun set with a cool breeze in the air, 
I looked into the horizon and saw a/an...

TOP's Tuesday: Memory Making at its Finest

Each day of our lives 
we make deposits in the memory banks 
of our children." 
~ Charles R. Swindoll ~

First, let me apologize for not posting the "fun" blog I promised this weekend, don't worry, it is coming tomorrow but since I missed it yesterday and it's TOP's Tuesday , decided to wait one more day. I think you can do it. I'll warn you, it's an interactive blog and I'm hoping for at least twenty-six people to post. Hmm...While you wait, read this week's TOP's Tuesday and enjoy. Who knows, you may be led to leave a comment two days in a row. 

On August 20th, 2015, I shared "Our Journey Takes a Turn", as I revealed my Mom's current cancer diagnosis and prognosis. In case you missed it, click here to read. The doctors gave recommendations for treatment, palliative care came in to listen and offer feedback, and Mom spent a few days processing the information to formulate her decision. 

Once again, my mother's strength and determination shined forth as she chose quality of time with the ones she loves the most. When one's life window is short, it's up to the person facing the journey to choose the road, then God will come alongside and ease the travel. Between a wonderful team of doctors stretching from Syracuse to Oswego, wonderful nursing and hospital staff, and now our beautiful Hospice family...this journey of quality and memories is in full swing and we are enjoying every moment. This new journey took our breath away and there are still snip-its of time I find myself shaking my head yet know nothing is an accident, not even illness. Many of you don't know but my Mom suffers with Juvenile Rheumatoid arthritis (JRA), although her age might not reflect that of a juvie, her heart and disease does. The onset of the rheumatoid arthritis was in her teens, so she's battled severe pain and crippling moments the majority of her life. Yet to most, you never knew because Mom isn't a complainer.

This past year as her health worsened and movement became more calculated, we thought it was her JRA progressing as is common when your digits get bigger on your birthday. It wasn't until June that Mom noticed something was "different". Once my school year finished, this journey began, even though we didn't know the "what" steering the ship.  Mom just knew something was "different". 

Mom's determination, positive attitude, and eternal outlook are a daily witness of God's love in the midst of a storm. Mom is sailing her beautiful ship of hope and life over the water until she reaches the next destination. A beautiful testament and mom, to say the least.

THANK YOU for the cards and words of encouragement. Mom looks forward to us bringing in the mail. Words of encouragement, hope, memories, and so much more bring her a smile, laughter, and sometimes a moist eye. 


Thank you for remembering her in your prayers and taking time out of your busy schedules to send a note. She is walking to the kitchen table in the morning and able to sit up in the chair for short amounts of time during the day. God is good and we make a new memory each day. What is your favorite way to give or receive encouragement?

"A Good Day to Be a Duck" ~ A Gram Saying

Let the rain kiss you. 
Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. 
Let the rain sing you a lullaby.
Langston Hughes

I'm sure my Gram wasn't the first to say this nor will I be the last to repeat it. These sayings, old wive's tales, or poems each started somewhere and probably were modified along the way from the original wording. Regardless of their origin, it's important to remember they started somewhere. 

WE started somewhere, "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous -- how well I know it." Psalm 139:13-14 NLT 

I believe the Bible and am encouraged to know God chose me and created me, He also selected my parents. Heidi and I were blessed to grow up with parents who love unconditionally and valued their role as Mom and Dad. A Heavenly Father and earthly parents who love us regardless the weather or storms of life. 

Rain has a depressing effect on some, while others thrive in the rain. Why is this? Is it our genetic make up? Is it a chemical imbalance? Who knows, I don't, but there is one thing I'm sure off...we have a choice in the storm.

We can dance in the rain or drown. I wish I could tell you that I always dance, but I don't. Sadly, when we let the rain and weather win, the outcome is less than favorable. We need to recognize that a lot of the things happening in our lives is out of our control yet there are aspects we do have some say. I don't know about you but I'm a work in process. 

There are times I should keep my mouth shut and don't. There are times I should open my mouth and share, and don't. Then there is the non-verbal talking...yikes...I'm failing there. One thing I realized yesterday as I let the evils of hurt, jealousy, exclusion, and pain eat at my heart...I wasn't looking up or leaning on The One who created me so many years ago.

If I'm to be a witness of God's love, grace, mercy, compassion, and ways then I need to be a good one. I apologize to you all for failing yet I share because we are all human and we fail. We sin. We make mistakes. To personalize this...I fail. I sin. I make mistakes.

Today, with my eyes looking up and my heart and ears open to hear God speaking to me...I choose to seek and share the color of the rainbow, not the darkness of the rain.  

Clouds come floating into my life, 
no longer to carry rain or usher storm, 
but to add color to my sunset sky."
Rabindranath Tagore

What will you focus on...the rain or the rainbow?

TOP's Tuesday: Encouraging Words for My Mom

Even though I walk 
through the valley 
of the shadow of death,   
I will fear no evil, 
for you are with me;   
your rod and your staff,    
they comfort me."

Psalm 23:4

I'll start today's blog with a big THANK YOU! Many have posted words of encouragement for my Mom and the family since I shared of her recent cancer diagnosis. Some have sent cards and emails. Even more are praying and lifting her in your thoughts when God places her on your heart. I want to personally thank each of you, you're a blessing I count.

As you've noticed, Mom isn't able to respond to the blogs daily BUT she is reading them via her Kindle. I thought for this week's TOP's Tuesday I would do something different. To encourage my Mom, what if we have a "Share a Memory" or "Offer Words of Encouragement" to my life's greatest cheerleader? I thought you would enjoy joining this celebration...

Mom is getting up daily, walking to the kitchen table, and sitting in her new lift chair. She is enjoying times of reading and visiting. She munches on snacks throughout the day and her positive attitude is an inspiration to family and friends. Mom can't get out and about and we understand the reality of coming home with Hospice but there are also miracles still happening in this world. Hope must be the focus...

To keep hope, laughter, love, and joy the loudest of emotions...will you share a comment? Maybe you have a memory of my mom, Sue Allen, from your childhood? Adulthood? or at Work? Maybe God's placed a Bible verse or encouraging word on your heart you hoped to share? Here is one way you can do this. Mom might not be able to comment but she is reading. 

This one's for you Mom... The prognosis is a limited window of months, 
will you help me fill her days with 
encouraging words from those who care about her?

A Season of Change...Dogs do go to Heaven

Trixie joins our family August 24, 2015
Trixie leaves us to enter heaven It has been an emotional week of information, diagnosis, prognosis, denial, and acceptance. In addition to my mother coming home from the hospital with a cancer diagnosis and Hospice, our oldest dog, Trixie, was losing her fight.

Trixie is a beautiful rottweiler, gifted to our daughter for her 5th birthday, before starting kindergarten and her school career. A fast friend to all who met her, she met you with a wag of the nub.

This year, Mags turned 17, and will start 12th grade and her last year of high school. It's been a wonderful and memorable time. Trixie gave us joy and love on a daily basis. After yet much thought and prayer, we had to do what is best for Trixie...let her go.

I want to thank North Country Vets for their compassion and care this morning when I finally made the call, and even more so when you relieved Trixie of her earthly pain so her beautiful and kind spirit could join our other dog, Mercedes, in heaven. Dr. Windecker and her team were amazing, so say the least. Thank you!! We'd like to thank Unc for taking time out of his day to help us dig Trixie's grave. And I thank my parents for helping us through this, with all their going through, they held me while I cried. 

I do believe dogs go to heaven. My friend and fellow blogger, Mary LaClair wrote a beautiful blog about this a few years ago. Click here to read her blog. As we close our eyes tonight missing our Trixie, we'll shed more tears. Tears for our loss and the emptiness left behind without her wagging nub and playful bounce, and tears of joy for her journey to heaven and freedom from the pain and discomfort that was taking over, making it hard to bounce.

Pets are a part of the family and each play their role. The atmosphere within our home is different. The comfort she provided when I returned from my parents will be greatly missed. Loss and grief are a part of life, for our loved ones...our pets are dearly loved, loved ones too. Forever friends...
Our daughter is making 
a headstone using 
the wood burning skills 
my Mom taught her 
to place on Trixie's grave...
how do you remember your pets when they pass?

Who Hears You When Cry?

There have been moments in my life when I've felt alone. In Where's Heidi? One Sister's Journey I write about how I was surrounded by hundreds of volunteers, law enforcement, and family yet still felt alone. Sometimes we can be overwhelmed with an abundance of people around to support us but deep within the depths of our heart...no one is there.

Lately I've experienced moments and feelings similar to when Heidi disappeared. It seems that in life when stress is thrust at you, responses become reactive instead of proactive. We can choose to push through in our own strength or we can move forward leaning on God and the people He places in our path to encourage, inspire, and uplift us at "just the right moment". 

While the situation is very different, feelings of isolation and exclusion attempt to overtake my thoughts and actions. In Where's Heidi? , I share about observing the private conversations from a distance and the hurt felt when uninvited to important meetings. Recently, a similar instance happened and satan used this instance in an attempt to drive a wedge.

I have a choice. I can hold a grudge and waste precious time with someone I love dearly OR I can accept the situation as a past event and move forward. While it's difficult, I MUST move forward. The devil would like nothing more than for me to dwell on this event and create a wedge between the people I love most. While it might sound like I've conquered this, I haven't.

I will not let the devil steal my joy, my time, or thoughts for this event. It's a challenge to do this but instead of whining to the wind, I'll cry out to Jesus through prayer. God knows the hearts and intentions within each of us, my hope is to forgive and move forward in order to keep the peace and eventually to feel His peace in this situation. 

The hurt remains yet I choose to prayerfully move forward. This is a daily choice. It's only been a few days and if I think about the situation too much, the pain leaks from my eyes. This is what the devil wants. He desires us to dwell on the past and miss opportunities to share of God's goodness, God's love, God's healing power, God's forgiveness, God's power to transform our sinful hearts to something as pure and white as Heaven. I choose God's light of love and forgiveness, not the darkness of deception and past mistakes.

The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
The Lord Almighty is with us;
    the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Psalm 46:7, 11

You are Never Alone...God Knows and Hears
Who Do You Call To in the Midst of Trouble?

You Are Designed to Share Your Handiwork

To do good works won't buy you a ticket to Heaven yet as one of God's creations, we are called to share who Jesus is and all the cool things God has done in our lives.

Each of us have different gift sets and while you might be similar to another person, there is no one exactly like you. What gifts, talents, or skill sets do you have that could be used to inspire, encourage, and share hope with others?

One of the ways I utilize is through the gift of words. Mostly written, and sometimes through speech. While Mom hasn't responded to many blogs lately, she's still sharing the blog with those she meets. One woman asked, "How many books has she written?" Mom's response made me smile, "Five or six, five I think, she hasn't finished that sixth one." as she looked at me and smiled. 

My speaking venues vary. I've been the guest speaker on Sunday mornings for various churches, at women's events, retreats, church meetings, dinners, at events for the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, and in an educational setting. Each offers a different audience yet the opportunity to share hope, inspiration, and encouragement with others is the same.

I don't know the impact my little bit has in the greater picture but one thing I do understand, we are called to use the gifts God's given us to grow the Kingdom of Heaven. There are more than enough rooms for everyone, all someone has to do is open the door to their heart and let God in. What is your best attribute, 
talent, or characteristic? 
How can you use this/these to 
encourage and help someone else?

Our Journey Takes a Turn...

Today's blog is difficult to write and share with you. Some know, and many do not, of my Mom's chronic pain and rheumatoid arthritis (RA). Over the past year, Mom has faced additional discomforts and assumed it was the RA worsening due to stress. We were wrong. 

Instead of responding to blogs and enjoying the summer, Mom had the privilege and joy to make new friends at St. Joesph's Hospital in Syracuse. I want to give a huge shout out to the staff on the observation, 2-8, and 3-2 floors. These individuals don't just treat illness, they establish relationships with their patients. I'm thankful for those we met along the way.

My parents wanted, and needed, time to process the realization Mom has terminal cancer with the privacy necessary to make decisions and plans. This will be a time of family, memory making, friends, and joy. 

No one can stop the unexpected change of plans so instead, we'll embrace each moment, like many of you have done in the past or are experiencing firsthand. Cancer is far too common. I'm not the first daughter to travel this journey nor is my Mom the first diagnosed...but it's the first time for us, just like it was the first for you.

Below is the message I shared on Facebook yesterday. 

To my friends, family, our community, and those who hold my parents near and dear to their hearts. We have tried to share with as many as possible in person yet it's not a reality. 
Out of respect and privacy for my parents I haven't shared details but Dad and Mom think it is time for others to know.

It's out of respect for all of you who lift them and our entire family in prayer since Heidi's disappearance and beyond that they choose to open their heart to you.

Over the past year my Mom's health has been a challenge. The past couple months drained her and she's spent the past few weeks in the hospital. After many tests, pokes, and prods...a diagnosis was rendered and tomorrow, Mom returns home to us with Hospice care.

What we thought was rheumatoid arthritis worsening due to stress ended up being cancer. My parents are the strongest people I know yet the cancer has progressed too far. Mom is choosing quality over quantity...we plan to make memories, cherish each moment, and enjoy every minute we have.

As many of you understand on a deep and personal level, cancer is far too common and we know there are few spared of experiencing this on a personal level through a loved one or themselves.

While Mom isn't up to a lot of visitors, if you'd like to send a card or note,
I know they would boost her spirits. Thank you so much for lifting her in prayer for a pain free and peaceful battle. 
We plan to cherish our moments together, 
make memories, and hold out hope for Mom to close her eyes 
knowing the answer she longs to hear...Where's Heidi?

Ken and Sue Allen 
73 County Route 6A
Oswego, New York 13126

With my parent's permission, 
I'll try to share this journey with you. 
It will be both "One Sister's Journey" 
and "One Daughter's Journey"...