Victoria Noe's Blog, page 28

Death Cafe 2.0

I’ve been co-facilitating Death Café events in Chicago for almost a year now. Our events have attracted over 150 attendees. Some of those who attended are now facilitating their own Death Cafés, and I couldn’t be more excited.

For those not familiar with Death Café, I highly recommend their website. You’ll not only learn the history, but read fascinating accounts of what people are doing in Death Cafés in the UK, Canada, Italy, Australia and all around the US. No two are the same, but all have the same goal: to provide a safe, supportive environment for people to discuss issues surrounding death and dying, with a goal to making the most of their finite lives.
After our last event – which was filled up two weeks in advance – my partner and I sat down for a series of discussions. Obviously the need is there. The evaluations were glowing and some offered suggestions for improvement (which we’re implementing). But was there more we could offer? Were people looking for more specific kinds of discussions related to death and dying?
What we came up with was a series of Death Cafés to meet different needs and interests:
Death Café 1.0: This is our introduction to death and dying issues, for people who have never attended a Death Café. We have group discussions, individual activities, as well as with a partner. As much as we can, we allow the attendees to drive the discussion topics, always with a goal of allowing people to consider their legacy. On October 28, we’ll be back at Curt’s Caféin Evanston, Illinois.
Death Café 2.0: This is a themed Death Café for those who have attended 1.0 and asked for more! Our first one will be led by me at Drake & Sons Funeral Home in Chicago on October 23 and will address friend grief. Other topics are in the pipeline.
Death Café field trips: Now at first glance, you might think this would be limited to locations such as cemeteries or funeral homes, and that’s possible (though our first 2.0 will take place in a funeral home). But they’re meant to be gatherings that are more casual than sitting around a table in a room. Our first one, on October 14, is a kayaking excursion at Skokie Lagoons in Glencoe, Illinois.
Ultimately, our goal is to eliminate the resistance to attending a Death Café. Don’t want to set foot in a funeral home? Then come to a coffeehouse. Don’t want to discuss living wills? Then come to a Death Café where we’ll talk about planning a fun funeral.
So if you’re in the Chicago area, join us! If not, check the Death Café website for a list of upcoming events in your area. You can also find out how to host your own Death Café. It’s easy. It’s fascinating. It’s even fun.
And you’ll be surprised how much you learn about yourself in a very short time.
 
 

Avoid Friend Guilt

When someone dies, those left behind often feel some measure of guilt. Sometimes the guilt is directly related to the death: why didn’t I take the car keys away from him?

Sometimes the guilt is a little narcissistic, the assumption being that we had the power to keep that friend alive…if only we’d done X, Y or Z.
And sometimes the guilt is about something very personal, very small in the great scheme of things: sometimes we feel guilty for what we didn’t say.
I don’t believe I ever told any of my friends I loved them until after 9/11. The shock of that day – and later finding out that I knew someone who died in the towers – prompted me to admit what I’d felt for a long time.
When I told one friend, her reply was, “I know.” My explanation was along the line of “It doesn’t matter. I needed to say it.”
Denial, as they say, isn’t just a river in Egypt. In many cultures, death is an accepted part of life. But in the US we tend to ignore it as much as we can. Halloween might be our favorite holiday, but that’s not the same thing.
We put off making wills, come up with excuses for not attending funerals. We don’t even like visiting friends who are sick. We might think about calling, but you know how it is: we got busy.
One of the reasons I try to keep in touch with friends is that I get nervous when I don’t hear from them for a while. Okay, fine, I get paranoid. It’s rooted in the AIDS epidemic, when those with the virus would disappear from public view once their appearance began to drastically change. Too soon, you were reading their obituary.
Yeah, time gets away from us. The holidays are quickly approaching and that means we’ll have even less free time. You look at your Facebook friends, or contact list on your phone, or maybe you have a real, paper address book: so many names! I don’t have time to email/call/IM/tweet/text all of them.
You’re right. You probably don’t have time to reach out to all of them at once. And for the purpose of this post, one of those pithy friendship memes doesn’t cut it.
Pick one friend, any friend. You don’t have to write a letter, or go public on Facebook or Twitter. You don’t have to make a big production about it, though you still run the risk of embarrassing them (and maybe yourself, too).
Pick up the phone and call them. Catch up. And when it’s time to say goodbye, just add “love you”.
They may say, “Love you, too”. They may be too shocked to say anything. It doesn’t matter.
Because now you’ll never have to ask yourself, “did my friend know that I loved them?”
 
 

Helping Friends Pick Funeral Music

There seem to be two types of funerals.

One is the kind that makes us cringe, may even make us angry. It’s where the person leading the service never met the person who died. It’s obvious – they ramble on in general, pious terms. They mispronounce the deceased’s name. Times like those I want to walk up to the front, say “shut up and sit down” and invite friends and family to do a better job.
Then there are those we never forget. I’ve been to a few, where the eulogies made us laugh, made us cry, and even made us give standing ovations. And the music…well, the music makes all the difference.
I remember walking into my friend Delle’s apartment a few weeks before she died. “Do you want to see my urn?” she asked. Honestly, I didn’t: I didn’t want to think about the inevitable. But she showed it to me anyway: a gorgeous, cobalt blue (her favorite color). She was, when I got there, choosing the music for her funeral.
Now not everyone has the luxury of time to plan their own funeral, once they know they’re dying. That’s why I’m becoming more and more insistent that my family and friends think about this now.
There are as many different kinds of funerals as there are people: religious, secular, sad, celebratory, indoors, outdoors. And for a control freak like me, it’s one last chance to be in charge.
So here’s a question for you, the next time you’re with your best friend:
What kind of music do you want at your funeral?
Use this blog post as an excuse, or maybe refer to the funeral of a mutual friend. While there are many hymns I like (and a couple are on my list of instructions), there are some decidedly non-religious ones that I like. Who can forget Alex’s funeral at the beginning of The Big Chill:
"You Can't Always Get What You Want"
In a very unscientific poll on Facebook, Eileen suggested that one right away. Annie preferred to go in a slightly different – though somewhat obvious direction:
"Stairway to Heaven"

I popped a cd in the car yesterday (Paul McCartney’s “Memory Almost Full”) and was reminded of this one:
"The End of the End"
Then again, you may want to end with a little humor, like this oldie from Norman Greenbaum, which my friend Mary and I both like:
"Spirit in the Sky"
Whatever you choose, whatever you and your friends agree on, doesn’t matter. What matters is that you begin to think about how you want to be remembered.
Part of that is your legacy: what do you leave behind? Did you leave the world a better place?
The other is your funeral: did you give your friends one last way to remember you?
Cue the music.
 
What’s on your play list?
 
Here’s my top pick:
"I Happen to Like New York"

National Suicide Prevention Month

September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and if it seems like suicide is in the news more lately, there’s a reason for it. The numbers (not just awareness) are up and three groups of people seem most at risk: teenagers, military and Baby Boomers.

We’ve known that teenagers are at risk for suicide for a long time. Raging hormones, pressure from parents and school, drugs and alcohol make a deadly combination. But a large number of suicides of teenagers – and even pre-teens – can be traced to bullying.
Kids whose only crime is being different or being sensitive or smart or small for their age are hounded by bullies: on the school bus, on the internet, even getting text messages like ‘why aren’t you dead yet?’ Some of the bullies are anonymous; some are kids they know. What they’re doing is reprehensible, but not a crime.
A shocking report found that more active duty military committed suicide than died in action in 2012. In addition, many veterans of Iraq, Afghanistan and Vietnam are victims of the VA’s backlog of cases, unable to get the mental health treatment they’ve earned and deserve. Suicides have been steadily rising for years, and not just in the US. Military officials in the UK and Israel have reported similar findings.
But, Baby Boomers? Not the group you might imagine turning to suicide. But information is starting to come out that this is a fast-rising risk group. Some are veterans. Some are people who have decided that they are unable to face an uncertain old age: depleted savings, poor health, lack of resources.
I’ve been depressed and even in despair. But I’ve never considered suicide as an option. It’s hard to believe that people can see taking their own life as their best option, but many do. Not all are successful, but those are the ones we hear about.
There are groups devoted to helping people climb out of their despair and keep living. I’ve listed a couple here.
The important thing is to reach out to any friend you may believe is at risk. Talk to them, but more importantly, listen. Do what you can and help them find the support they need.
That’s what friends are for.
 
 
Stop Soldier Suicide
National Suicide Hotlines
 

Celebrating on 9/11?

It feels a little odd to be happy on September 11.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think the world should stop spinning today. People should go to work and school, do their grocery shopping, eat birthday cake (the biggest piece, with the rose on it).
But today is the release of the third book in my Friend Grief series, Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners. As I tweeted to a friend yesterday, I’m not always happy with what I write, but I’m happy with and proud of this book.
It turned out a little differently than I expected. It has turned into an advocacy piece, because of the people I interviewed and learned about.
The 9/11 Memorial – a beautiful place everyone should visit – is off-limits every September 11 to all but families. I would never say they had no right to be there on this day, but what about the survivors? What about firefighters pulled from the rubble? What about the man who climbed down 78 floors on a broken leg, after his coworkers were killed by the impact of the plane hitting the South Tower? Don’t they deserve to read the names of their friends who didn’t make it? Don’t they deserve to be there at all?
Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners is available today on Kobo, Kindleand Nook. The paperback will be released on September 25. Here’s an excerpt:
 
"I'm Brian and I'm a survivor."

When I read Brian Blanco’s responses to my questionnaire, I imagined him saying these words. I didn’t mean it in a flippant way at all, or to suggest that survivors are members of some odd 12-step group. But he opened my eyes to feelings I hadn’t considered.
While the word “victim” is charged with emotion and even politics, the designation “survivor” is also one that people who escaped the Twin Towers may be reluctant to adopt. It’s a word that denotes some kind of accomplishment, and that’s hard to accept:
It took me a long time to put me and the word survivor together, as a matter of fact, I tell people I worked in the building and I was there that day, but I avoid the word survivor…It took me 5 years to come to terms with that and be able to say, “it just wasn’t my time.”
Survivor guilt pops up in nearly every story you hear from people like Brian. Some admit to struggling with it more than a decade later. Others worked through it quickly. Not all were able to cope. But it’s something they all faced on some level.
Wouldn’t you want to survive something as cataclysmic as the September 11 attacks in New York? Of course you would. But as Malachy Corrigan, director of FDNY’s counseling services unit, told New York magazine on the 10th anniversary, “’Why did I survive?’ is still a big question.”
 

The Next Friend Grief Book

“Families only.”

Those who were killed on September 11, 2001 left behind more than family members. They left thousands of friends who are often forgotten and ignored: co-workers, first responders, neighbors and survivors who struggle to find a way to grieve the friends killed when the World Trade Center towers fell. In Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners you’ll learn how they adjust to life without their friends and find ways to honor those they lost on a clear, blue Tuesday.
 
It’s been two years since I wrote a post hereabout what became the basis of this book: the hierarchy of grief in the 9/11 community. But let’s be honest: does the world need another book about 9/11? As it turns out, the answer is yes.
We hear a lot about the families, and rightly so. I would never dismiss their grief. But many people are forgotten, ignored, and even officially excluded from the ceremonies each year: friends.
Some of them were not in New York that day. Some of them are survivors. They escaped the Twin Towers, but lost co-workers and friends. Some suffer ill health – physical and mental – because of that experience. All of them deserve their grief acknowledged and respected.
You’ll hear stories about that day from men and women who worked for companies in the World Trade Center, as well as first responders like former NYPD Deputy Commissioner of Operations (now Chicago Police Superintendent) Garry McCarthy. And you’ll learn that many people have found a new purpose to their lives: changing careers, volunteering, even starting nonprofit organizations like Mychal’s Message and Tails of Courage, in memory of their friends.
Still think you’ve heard it all? Prepare to be surprised.
 
 
 
The e-book versions of Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners will be released next week (Kobo, Amazon, Nook), on the 12th anniversary of the attacks in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington, DC; paperback will be available the following week.

What’s New on Friend Grief?

I always considered the first day of school to be more like the start of a new year than January 1st: lots of new beginnings and excitement (not to mention shopping for new clothes and supplies).

There is certainly a lot of excitement here (though not much shopping)! So, I thought I’d bring you up to date on what’s coming up with Friend Grief in the next month:

1.      I’ll be a guest on Madeline Sharples’ websitetomorrow, August 28, talking about how my writing made me an activist - again.

2.      Through Labor Day, I’ll donate 25% of the price of the paperback and e-book versions of the second book in the Friend Griefseries, Friend Grief and AIDS: Thirty Years of Burying Our Friends, to Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.
 
3.      Next week I’ll reveal the cover and give you an excerpt from the next book in the series, Friend Grief and 9/11: The Forgotten Mourners, which comes out September 11.
 4.      I’ll be a guest on Audrey Pellicano’s blog talk radio show, Grief Talk, on September 10, talking about my books.

5.      On September 26, I’ll be a guest on Kathleen Pooler’s Memoir Writer’s Journey, talking about…well, you’ll just have to check it out.
 6.      A report on our next Death Café in the Chicago area.

7.      Information on the fourth book in the series, Friend Grief and Community: Band of Friends, about the military.
 8.      Book signings and Goodreads giveaways.
 9.      And that’s just September!
So check back often, for all this and more, as I share stories about people who have gone through the same experience you have – grieving the death of a friend. You’re going to meet some terrific people who mourned and struggled and laughed, and ultimately found a way to carry the memory of their friends with them every day.
As Doctor Who would say, “Allons-y!”
 

Scattering Ashes at Death Cafe'

Monday night we had another successful Death Café in Evanston, Illinois. Nearly 50 people joined us for coffee, tea, cookies and muffins while we talked about issues surrounding death and dying.

We broke up into four groups, each led by a facilitator, for an hour. The conversations were wide-ranging and passionate. My group included people of various religions and no religion; male and female; college-age through retirement. No one was required to share, but most had feelings they wanted to express. Honestly, we could’ve talked for hours.
At one point, in discussing our own final wishes, we focused on burial vs. cremation, and, in the latter case, how to dispose of the ashes. Fears of being caught spreading ashes in a place that’s restricted were assuaged by offers to help do the deed.
One woman expressed a concern that I believe was on the minds of many there: what happens if your family is all gone? How do you make your final wishes known when you’re the last of your family?
So I thought that was a good situation to share here today. Maybe you know someone – maybe elderly, maybe not – who has no close relatives. Maybe they are, like this woman, the last of their family. Maybe that describes you.
You may not have a will. You may not have designated someone your medical power of attorney. You may not want to think about it at all. That means “Five Wishes” is for you.
The Five Wishes are:
·         Who you want to make health care decisions for you when you can't make them.
·         The kind of medical treatment you want or don't want.
·         How comfortable you want to be.
·         How you want people to treat you.
·         What you want your loved ones to know.
Now is the time, while you’re healthy and able to make these decisions for yourself. No family? Ask your friends. Again, it’s an uncomfortable conversation for many people. But one that will avoid all kinds of complications down the line.
For more information on the Five Wishes document (which meets legal requirements in 42 states), check the Aging with Dignity website.
And have some fun, too. Your funeral will be your last chance to make your friends laugh.

Grief Trolls

darkpsychology.coThe internet can be a source of great knowledge. It can bring people together. But there is a dark side, too.

Many people have found Facebook and other social media sites to be helpful as they grieve. Information about a person’s death is easily disseminated, along with funeral arrangements. Its efficiency is a blessing for the families, because it eliminates the need to make dozens of emotional phone calls.
Tribute pages are set up by family and friends, as a way for people to express their grief and share memories of the person who died. Not everyone can attend a funeral or memorial service, and this gives them the opportunity to give comfort to those left behind.
There is a phenomenon called “R.I.P. trolling”. People go onto a page – even a tribute page – often anonymously. They don’t know the person who died. But they post jokes and make fun of the person who died, even celebrating their death. They’re not just on Facebook: you’ve probably seen them on Twitter.
A suburban Chicago couple was warned to stay off the internet after their 15 year old son drowned in Lake Michigan last month: strangers were posting cartoons of people drowning with lots of LOLing.
Facebook issued a statement on R.I.P. trolls:
"Sometimes, just like in the offline world, people can say or do things that are offensive and in extremely poor taste — even in the wake of a terrible tragedy," the statement said. "When this happens, Facebook users are quick to report the offensive content, and we are quick to respond."
If you see this kind of behavior, obviously, report it immediately.
Everyone has the option of limiting who can comment on their Facebook page (I’m limiting the discussion here to Facebook – this happens on Twitter and other social media platforms). But that’s hard to do if it’s your page and you’re dead.
R.I.P. trolls defend themselves by saying they’re countering what they see as insincere condolences posted online by people who didn’t know the deceased.
Really?
It bothers you so much that strangers are offering their condolences that your response is to ridicule the person who died?
I’ve been trying to come up with an opinion I can post here, but I’m not having much luck. Maybe you can find the words.
 
 

What Do You Miss The Most?

Delle's scarfOn Saturday I went to Halsted Street Days, a street festival in the heart of Chicago’s gay community. I’d been there many times over the years, and have watched it grow more mainstream: Walmart and Marriott had booths.
But as I walked through the crowds, past the bars and my favorite Chinese restaurant, I began to think of friends long-gone. There were many, not all of them from the time in my life when I was involved in the AIDS community. And when I thought of them, there always seemed to be one thing that immediately came to mind.

I miss Mary Ellen’s laugh: always loud and unrestrained, occasionally embarrassing but always sincere.
I miss Steve’s work ethic and child-like enthusiasm.
I miss Delle’s wisdom and impressive spirituality.
I miss John’s calm assurances.
I miss Dennis’ constant flirting.
Right after a friend dies, you’re numb and angry and inconsolable. Later, when the grief is less raw – more like a scab – that’s when little things pop into your head. It might be a memory of something the two of you did together, or a conversation late at night. It might be a physical trait or a personality quirk. Every time you think of them, that one special thing is what you remember.
Whatever it is, it’s probably the thing you admired – and miss – the most about your friend.
What do you miss the most about your friend?