Kathy Davis's Blog

Gen Y vs. Boomers

Dear Colette,

I work in an office that has a large generational gap and most of the “in office” staff is female. More than once this has led to ruffled feathers and confrontation, usually on a more personal side.

More and more, however, I am noticing the younger staff turning to other young members of staff for advice and information on work related activities. This worries me as most of the younger staff, myself included, started in the office about the same time so if one person doesn’t have an answer, it is likely the person they ask doesn’t as well. This has also led to issues, which worries me because I like my job, coworkers and our company and truly want us to be a success.

I have always been one for asking questions, it doesn’t embarrass me because I would prefer to have all of the information and expertise I can when doing a project. I recognize that not everyone feels the same way, but I know that the more seasoned employees have expertise and knowledge that us younger gals can benefit from. I wondered if you had any advice on how to bridge this gap and get people engaged and interacting (positively of course)? Also, do you think that setting up some type of mentoring program within the office would be of any help?

- Gen Y

Dear Gen Y,

First of all, I applaud you for recognizing that your Gen Y team is limiting their growth by not taking advantage of seasoned Boomers. Based on conversations following my programs, I also know that some Boomers can be less willing to accept changes they deem to be “less professional”. Your idea of mentorship is outstanding, but it’s the buy-in you need. Otherwise, individuals on both sides may feel frustrated being paired up randomly with someone they don’t naturally choose to share time.

The Boomers would LOVE to be asked for their advice and input. I might even go to them (or the most agreeable of the group) and lay it on the line.

“All of you have such knowledge and depth in our industry, and I’d like to figure out how those of us that are less seasoned can learn from you. Do you have any ideas? Do you think we should start a mentoring program or have a brown-bag lunch-n-learn where you teach us something you think we can benefit from knowing? We’d also like to support you in any way with things we might find easier to tackle such as technology or apps. If you think this is a good idea, perhaps we can get everyone together and flush out some ideas for topics.”

Everyone just wants to be validated for who they are and what they bring to the table. What a wonderful way to make this happen.

–Colette

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How to Eliminate Excuses Forever

There’s a skill many of us have perfected that we can call on when pressed. For some, it takes years to hone. Others seem to have an innate ability to wield this power at the most critical times. Occasionally, we may astound ourselves with how easily we can summon it. So what is this skill? The fine art of excuse-making.

That’s right, at times we are incredibly adept at making excuses, which can prevent us from growing our careers, engaging in difficult conversations, enrolling in a class, spending time with loved ones, eating nutritiously, or moving our bodies. In short, excuses hold us back from being our best selves.

While some so-called excuses have validity – time or money constraints, for example – true excuses are often simply stories we tell ourselves to keep us in our comfort zone. “I need to sign up for that online class, but I don’t have time because season three of House of Cards just came out on Netflix.” “I’d like to exercise, but the weather isn’t cooperating.”

But consider this, if you are truly determined to be fit, you would have no problem doing squats, push-ups and planks almost anywhere! And therein lies the secret to banishing excuses. By establishing a compelling “why,” a core reason for doing something, you’re able to eliminate the excuses, plow through distractions and close the gap from intention to action. Your “why” is a powerful ally similar to a mantra or talisman that holds significant meaning for you.

So how do you find your why? Start by asking yourself why you want to do X (get promoted, learn a skill, save for retirement, engage in a hobby). Dig deep. Be honest with what’s important to you. Make a list of your reasons and keep digging deeper. Consider your strengths and how they factor into the equation. Often, your why will encompass larger ideals and cherished beliefs. When you find yourself tempted to churn out another excuse, revisit your list to propel you forward on your quest, through the tedious and challenging times.

Once you’ve established your personal why, you can use this strategy in other areas of your life. For example, a leader needs to know the “why” of his team to motivate and inspire. A salesperson needs to know the customer’s “why” to get them to buy. Parents need to understand their child’s “why” to help them succeed.

Why not begin today to identify your “why” and set your foundation for success?

The post How to Eliminate Excuses Forever appeared first on Colette Carlson.

How to Speak Your Truth to a Friend

Dear Colette,

Someone I know well (let’s call him Bob) was recently “terminated” (his word) from his job. Bob is also friends with my supervisor since all of our children have grown up together both in school and on the sports field. Since I work at a large firm, Bob left me a voice mail yesterday to see if I know of any account manager positions at my company or elsewhere. My supervisor shared that Bob also left a message for him, but he is on the road traveling for a couple of weeks and choosing not to respond.

 

Here’s the challenge. Although Bob has the exact skill set and experience we look for, my supervisor and I agree that we would never hire him because of his personality. He has a temper, is abrasive, curt and overall a curmudgeon. Currently, I am in the process of hiring for a similar position and close to offering, but don’t want to say this because it’s a small town and word travels. Yet, this offer may not go through, will be posted and we will need to fill this position. Another challenge is my supervisor has hired a few friends in the past and Bob knows. Bob is determined to connect, and I have a feeling I’ll be the one to run into him prior to my supervisor’s return. What do you suggest I do?

 

- Avoiding Bob

Dear Avoiding Bob,

Bottom line, this is a tough situation with only two real choices:

1. Not tell the truth which protects you and your supervisor from what you believe will damage the relationship.

2. Keep it real without dumping too much truth on Bob and be a true friend.

The context of my answer is based on his asking you if you have any positions available.

“Bob, I want you to know that we currently are in negotiations with someone, but I’m not at liberty to say anything more, so please don’t ask.”

Let’s say Bob continues to push you to recommend or hire him for another job:

“Bob, I want to be a true friend and not mislead you in any way. Are you open to hearing some feedback that’s awkward for me to share?” (Most likely he’ll say yes.) “Although your experience and skills do lend themselves to our division, your communication style can come across as abrasive and sharp. I’ve also watched you lose your temper. We look for individuals who know how to communicate effectively even if things aren’t going well.” If Bob acts like he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, say… “May I share a couple of examples?” Be very fact specific and use words such as “I observed when X happened you said, y.”

This will not be easy, but the feedback you provide this guy might just be exactly what he needs to land a job. Follow up with, “Bob, I appreciate you hearing me out, and I hope this doesn’t get in the way of our friendship.”

For what it’s worth, it’s probably not the first time Bob has heard similar feedback.

Perhaps this time he’ll gain the awareness and desire to make positive change.

The post How to Speak Your Truth to a Friend appeared first on Colette Carlson.

3 Ways to Eliminate Faulty Focus

It’s never too late to go after what you want, and you don’t have to wait until a New Year rolls around to get started. Today is the perfect day to begin to eliminate faulty focus and choose to manifest the life you want.

Start with a clear vision. Decide what it is you are seeking. Better relationships? Optimal use of time? Being more present? Here are some guidelines to realizing those outcomes.

1. Right Relationships. Loyalty is a wonderful quality, but not when it keeps you stuck in relationships that no longer serve you. One clue to spotting such a dynamic? You dread showing up and leave wondering why you bothered. If you’re an average of the five people you surround yourself with most often, is this representative of who you want to be?

2. Time Tested. Be honest, are you frittering away too much time on mindless activities like social media or nightly TV? What about when you get together with others? Is it for networking groups or to deepen your knowledge in your field? Or do you solely get together for things like book club or bunko? Either way, consider, is this your tribe of choice or convenience? Do you walk away feeling full or empty? Set your priorities like billionaire businessman Warren Buffet does. He has said that for every 100 opportunities presented to him, he says no 99 times.

3. Perfectly Present. If your mantra is, “There’s not enough time,” chances are you can’t get focused because there are too many distractions. Choose mindfulness over multi-tasking. When you eat, eat. Don’t simply gulp something down while working at your computer. When you are talking with someone, look them in the eyes. Connect with them. If you are listening to a podcast, listen, rather than checking emails throughout. If you are feeling overwhelmed, take a breather. Literally. Set a timer for five minutes, close your eyes, breathe deeply and reset. This mini-meditation not only clears your mind, but comes loaded with health benefits.

When a light is focused, it becomes a laser. Think what you can achieve in the next few months when you hone your focus.

Focus Forward Pledge: If you’d like to be held accountable, hit reply and send me your focus commitment for the rest of the year. At year end, I’ll send back your pledge for reflection and celebration. Not sure what to choose? Select the one behavior that will have the greatest impact on your career when implemented or would bring you the most freedom and joy in your life.

My Focus Forward Pledge: When in the office, I will invest a fast 15 minutes sorting email before setting a timer for 90 focused minutes on my highest priority deliverable.

Together, let’s make this happen!

The post 3 Ways to Eliminate Faulty Focus appeared first on Colette Carlson.

Liar, Liar, Brian Williams Wasn’t Under Fire!

If you put yourself on a healthy media diet, perhaps you missed the lie NBC front man of “Nightly News” Brian Williams shared when covering the Iraq war. Williams claimed the helicopter he was traveling in was hit by enemy fire, yet during Wednesday’s broadcast he apologized for “a mistake in recalling the events of 12 years ago.”  

As a journalist, it’s William’s job to report the truth which is why both his credibility and career are now in question. In fact, this truth has led to a secret task force being put together to check into all his reported tall tales. So why lie?

Telling a lie is easy and effective. Lies temporarily get people off your back, protect you from revealing your shame, and often boost your approval rating when sharing exaggerated or fabricated accomplishments.

We lie because there is a payoff. We lie because we choose to ignore the huge price we will pay one day. It takes courage to speak your truth every day in every way. Pay the price. You are worth it!

The post Liar, Liar, Brian Williams Wasn’t Under Fire! appeared first on colettecarlson.com.

Lending Money to Relatives

Dear Colette,

 

How do you deal with family members who are always (and I do mean always) asking for money but don’t always pay back the money borrowed? I’m one of six siblings, the one with the better job and no children, so my siblings think I’m rolling in money! Sure, I have my car paid for, but I still have a mortgage and am far away from maxing out my retirement plan. My siblings all have children and there is always an emergency and/or a good reason to ask for money.  

 

I want to do the right thing and help out, but sometimes I feel they take advantage of me since they still manage to afford to go on vacations or host parties. I’ve never charged them interest, nor have they ever offered to pay interest. They usually make small payments (after reminders from me) and sometimes they don’t pay the entire amount back. I feel embarrassed when I have to remind them to pay back. Shouldn’t they be the ones who feel embarrassed? Please help!

 

- “Loving but Frustrated Sister”

Loving but Frustrated Sister,

You are not alone in feeling your family is taking advantage of your generosity given the circumstances you outline. Yet, your behavior allows them to continue this pattern of borrowing without concern about payback. After all, the only consequences your relatives experience is your gentle reminders to pay them back. I’m all for helping another person out of a tough situation, but you describe a pattern which means your relatives haven’t changed their ways, but simply continue to make poor choices knowing you’ll bail them out. It’s time for some tough love.

In the future, I encourage you to do either of the following:

1. Stop all loans. The next time you are approached, simply say, “I’m uncomfortable lending money moving forward.” You don’t have to explain your reasons. If pushed, simply say, “I understand that you need money, and you’re going to have to find another source.” If they continue to push, stay firm and say, “I don’t expect you to like my answer, but please respect my wishes.”

2. Set up a contract and hold them accountable. Before lending money, create a paper trail that also reflects an established payback plan. This may be a small amount every two weeks. Feel free to add interest and late fees. Sit down with the borrower and clearly outline your expectations. Discuss what will happen if they don’t pay you back in a timely fashion. Explain they are responsible for honoring dates without being reminded, and if they agree, ask for their signature and provide them a copy.

Although you may feel a tinge of guilt in the beginning, keep in mind you are not being selfish, but creating healthy boundaries. We teach people how to treat us, and it’s time you receive the respect you deserve from those that claim to love you. It’s time your family learns to live within their means.

The post Lending Money to Relatives appeared first on colettecarlson.com.

Uncomfortable Lesson from Actress Amy Adams

In all the media frenzy over the Sony hacking scandal, one story concerning actress Amy Adams caught my attention. In case you missed it, Amy was scheduled to appear on NBC’s Today show to promote her latest film, “Big Eyes” (which earned her a Golden Globe this past Sunday).

While waiting backstage, she was informed that she’d be asked on-air about the Sony debacle. She was part of the story because hacked emails revealed she was paid less than her male co-stars for the movie “American Hustle.”

She told producers she didn’t want to contribute to the media coverage of the hacking.

“I expressed that I was uncomfortable,” she told USA Today. “I said I would rather not add my voice to this conversation. “(But) it was clear they were drawing a hard line, that this would be part of the conversation.”

I was impressed by her use of the word “uncomfortable,” as it’s one of those I teach people to use as part of the DEAL™, my system for successfully engaging in difficult conversations.

But apparently, producers were unmoved. They abruptly cancelled her appearance, reportedly an unprecedented move. Film studio exec Harvey Weinstein, whose company is distributing Amy’s latest movie, has raised a ruckus, calling for a formal apology or at least an independent investigation into the cancellation. While an investigation strikes me as over-the-top, I like that Amy stood in her truth and refused to get involved in the conversation about the hacking. In our own day-to-day lives, it can be challenging to stand strong and speak our truth, especially when pressured by others.

I also respect that Amy chose to maintain silence around the salary discrepancy before confirming and speaking directly with the source. Often, in the heat of the moment, we give vent to our emotions and forget to be respectful – what I call speaking our mind, not our truth.

And in Amy’s case, how wonderful the truth came out. So while Harvey continues negotiating with Today over an apology, it’s time for Amy to also leverage this moment to negotiate with movie executives about her salary.

Perhaps in the New Year, you can choose to take a cue from this actress to stand in your truth and DEAL™ with challenging situations with awareness and grace.

The post Uncomfortable Lesson from Actress Amy Adams appeared first on colettecarlson.com.

The DEAL™ Approach

Assertiveness is Speaking Your Truth with Strength and Sensitivity — Colette

ASK Assertively for What you Need to Be Successful.

Assertiveness shows respect to you AND others. It’s a core belief we are equal as human beings regardless of job title, status, or life experiences.

Remember to keep your body language and tone of voice in alignment with your words.

Use Assertive, Whole Messages. (DEALTM)

1.   Describe Data – (facts, not interpretations or opinions)

2.   Express Emotion (concerns, surprises, puzzles, uncomfortable)

3.   Ask Assertively

4.   Listen & Learn

When you DEALTM, you Eliminate Aggressive Language:

Aggressive language: “You did not follow the correct procedure!”

DEAL:

D: There is a procedure for this.

E: This concerns me as it could create liability for us.

A: I need your commitment that you’ll follow the procedure without exception.

L: Can we work together on this? Or Do you need additional training or support?

Aggressive language: “You need to stop being so negative!”

DEAL:

I respect that you’ve been through a lot of changes at the company and you are a very valuable member to our team.

D: However yesterday after the meeting I heard you say, “Upper management does not know what they are doing” and “what are they going to take away next?”

E: I’m concerned that the team will be distracted by your statements instead of focused on the tasks at hand.

A:  I need you to focus your energy on finding solutions to challenges rather than talking about them.

L:  Can I have your agreement on this?

Use DEAL to ask for what you need to be successful.

DEAL:

D: I’m lacking clarity on this particular assignment.

E: This makes me uncomfortable as I want to deliver quality work.

A: May I ask you some detailed questions to help me better understand the deliverable?

L: (not always necessary to have an L)

Copyright 2012 All Rights Reserved. Reproduction Without Permission is Prohibited.

The post The DEAL™ Approach appeared first on colettecarlson.com.

Know-it-All on the Trail

Dear Colette,

 

I’m a docent at a botanical garden and lead a monthly walk, preceded by a 15-minute

talk about the plants, indigenous peoples or other relevant  topics. Training to

be a docent is a rigorous, 10-week, in-depth program, complete with a thick binder

of information. The training concludes with a difficult written and walking test.

A man, Brian, attended a recent talk and walk. He proceeded to contradict and “correct” me and

another docent. For instance, among other things, he  told me I had my dates wrong regarding

when the area was inhabited by Native Americans. I sited my source and reiterated the information. The other

docent submitted a report that mentioned, “Visitor (Brian) contradicted me at every turn, about nature,

news, pronunciations…”

If Brian, or someone like him, shows up again, how would you handle a person like

that?

-Dealing With a Know-it-All

Dear Dealing with a Know-it-All:

When I come across a know-it-all, I remind myself it’s usually because of one of

two reasons:

1.  The individual’s experiences (most likely during formative years) left  them believing that if they aren’t right or accurate, somehow they’re  not worthy. This allows me to find patience and compassion as I realize they crave validation.

2.  They have little, if any, emotional intelligence and may even suffer from some form of personality disorder – perhaps narcissism, Asperger’s syndrome, etc.

Either way, I can appreciate that Brian is a challenge on the walk. Perhaps he really

would like to be a volunteer himself.

Two options exist depending on whether you want to address him during or post

walk. The goal always is to stick with observable facts and ask for behaviors you

would like to see next time.

Scenario one: Brian starts challenging a volunteer’s information DURING the walk.

You did the right thing by simply reiterating your information/position. “Mmm…that’s

interesting. As I mentioned, the evidence says … according to (site your source).”

If Brian speaks up and challenges you right after you’ve said the above, I would respond:

“Perhaps your comments are better addressed to the source directly” (or

whoever would be able to “show” him the information). If he keeps going, “I can

see you’re passionate about your subject, and I’m going to ask that rather than

disagree with my research, you allow me to share the information that(source) has

deemed accurate.”

Scenario two: Docent says nothing during the walk, so after the walk pulls Brian aside:

“I want to chat with you about something. It’s quite obvious you’re very passionate with regard to the history in this area, as well as possessing extensive

knowledge specific to (nature). Perhaps you’re not aware, but during the walk today

you spoke up (X number of times) to correct me on my information and even my pronunciations. I’m sure you

meant well, and I would appreciate you speaking to me about these topics one-on-one following,

rather than during, the walks. Is this  something you’re willing to do?”

Hope this helps! Remember, your tone of voice and facial expressions are equally

as important as the words you choose.

The post Know-it-All on the Trail appeared first on speakyourtruth.com.

The Must Give Gift of the Season

“Look at all the sugar in these cereals,” the shrunken, 85-year old man said aloud at my local CVS drugstore. As he reached for the Cheerios off the shelf, our eyes met. “I’m down to one teaspoon in my coffee, instead of three. Heck, during WWII I was happy if the coffee was even hot.” His eyes welled with tears. “I never used to cry, but I seem to cry all the time now,” said the man I’d soon learn was called Frank.

“That’s good,” I replied with a big smile, “it means you’re normal and human.” Frank returned the smile as he started to tell me more about his buddies in the service. I glanced at the milk I had just put into my cart, and thought about how much more needed to get done during this busy holiday season. When I looked up at Frank, our eyes connected once more, and my heart made a decision to be in the moment and enjoy the gift of conversation.

Together in Aisle 9, I listened as he talked about his wartime experience, and the largest land battle ever fought by our country — the Battle of the Bulge. “Do you know that there were over 70,000 American casualties during that battle alone?” “Yes, I do because my Dad was captured in that Battle, and became a Prisoner of War in Stalag 11B.”

Frank’s eyes were alert when I shared the story of how Dad’s frozen feet were saved thanks to the friendship he developed with Peter, the cook’s 8-year-old son, during his brief hospital stay. The boy, who wanted to learn English, was drawn to my Dad’s warmth, smile and playful nature. As a thank you for a full day of lessons, Peter brought Dad a bottle of schnapps the night before the German doctors were going to amputate his feet. Dad drank the liquor, massaged his feet all night through the intense pain and got enough circulation going to prevent the operation. Frank chuckled when I shared how Dad ended up playing professional football for the Detroit Lions and Philadelphia Eagles with those same feet!

Our conversation went back and forth, and I lost all track of time.  Eventually, it came to a natural close. Frank put out his hand, and warmly said, “Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.” “It was my pleasure,” I said, “but a handshake won’t do. I want a big holiday hug!” As I held this sweet, dear man in my arms, I could feel his body shake as he can no longer hold back tears.

As I took my warm milk to the check-out counter, I reflected on the incredible gift of perspective Frank had just given me. Who cared what didn’t get done today?! I had the freedom and privilege to sleep in a warm bed tonight and enjoy a hot cup of coffee tomorrow. Plus, Frank reminded me of the one gift that’s difficult to find, yet never requires wrapping- the gift of time. May you choose to give this incredible gift to those you love – including you.

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