Kathy Davis's Blog, page 2

Healthy Communication versus Being Passive-digressive™

Dear Colette,

I love what you teach about being clear and direct in your communication versus being passive- digressiveTM . However, this can produce a catch-22, as men don’t expect women to be direct. There’s even research published that shows when women are direct, we’re perceived as *itches. The exception is when we speak on things men believe us to be more expert in than they are, which is limited to few things outside of other females and female hygiene. I hate these facts and I feel frustrated and a little hopeless by them, but that doesn’t make them less true. So now what?

-Clear and Direct

Dear Clear and Direct,

I’ve also read the research that shows women are often mislabeled as *itchy or aggressive when simply being clear and direct. Yet, to be indirect, round-about or passive-digressiveTM only leaves others confused or feeling manipulated. Assertiveness, whether male or female, includes communicating with respect, while being aware of body language and tone. Eliminate your fear of being clear to maximize relationships, revenue and results.

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Are You Wasting Your Freedom?

On a recent trip to Washington DC, I made it a point to visit the National Mall, specifically to visit the memorials. Seeing the reflection of a Korean War veteran as he observed the Korean War Veterans Memorial wall moved me to tears. As I turned to gain composure, my eyes caught the wall behind me that stated, “Freedom Isn’t Free.”

With a father who was a prisoner of war in WWII, I am grateful to the men and women who have fought for our rights as Americans, including our freedom of speech. It’s something I never take for granted, especially considering how in some parts of the world, speaking your truth can cost you your life.

Thankfully, those of you reading this article are free to speak your truth. Yet, too many of us still don’t say what needs to be said with clarity and tact because it makes us feel uncomfortable. Too many of us complain over what little power we have in a situation, rather than using the power we have to go after what we need to live the life we desire. It’s time to dig deep, be brave and stand in your truth.

Need inspiration? Malala Yousafzai, who at 17, was recently the youngest recipient ever of the Nobel Peace Prize, can show us the way. The Pakistani teen, an activist for female education, was on her way to school two years ago when a Taliban gunman boarded the school bus, asked for her by name and shot her because of her outspoken advocacy for education for women, which the Taliban oppose. She survived the assassination attempt and has grown to international prominence as she continues focusing on the right to education for all children.

Without sounding flippant, if Malala can stand up to the Taliban, then certainly you can find a way to approach your supervisor, colleague, friend, relative or partner over something that needs to be addressed.

We in the West have such a gift in our freedom of speech. During this season of Thanksgiving, I’m grateful for our service men and women. And, I’m grateful to you, my loyal readers.

Remember, freedom isn’t free. Many paid a huge price for our freedom of expression. Together, let’s speak our truth with courage, clarity and conviction.

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Empty Nest, What’s Next?

Dear Colette,

My 18-year-old daughter went off to college a couple months ago and now my husband and I are empty-nesters — and I can’t seem to get out of my funk. I find myself crying more often, especially first thing in the morning after my husband has left for work. I’m starting to support a friend by doing some part-time virtual work, but the house still feels quiet. In the meantime, she seems to be loving school and making friends. My husband is losing patience with me. He even suggested I talk to a therapist. Your thoughts?

-Empty Nester

Dear Empty Nester,

It’s understandable and natural to miss your daughter. I don’t know if it will make you feel any better to know this, but you’re not alone: With the start of college this fall, 25 million people have children who are no longer living at home. Surprisingly just 25 percent of mothers report their lives are better and that they enjoy relating to their children as adults. That means three-fourths of mothers suffer when the nest is empty, with symptoms including sadness, depression, changes in sleep patterns and excessive worrying.

I’m sure you recognize that our children are meant to leave home. That is the natural order of things – we raise our children to go out on their own and experience life. Your daughter sounds like she’s thriving, which must be reassuring to you. In the meantime, there are steps you can take to help you through this transition. Talking to a therapist, as your husband has suggested, is a healthy option, especially if you’re experiencing depression for more than two or three months.

You might also consider getting together with other empty-nesters, preferably those who have been in that role for a while. They can offer first-hand insights and guidance.

Volunteer! The fastest way to shift your mindset is to give to another.

Now is also the time to engage in activities or hobbies that were put on the back-burner while you raised your daughter: gardening, learning a language, volunteering, rock climbing, traveling … let your imagination take flight and really come up with some things that you are excited to pursue. Take this opportunity to focus on yourself. I’m glad to hear you’re working as well, as you may find an undiscovered talent that takes you in a new direction.

It’s also a prime opportunity to re-connect with your husband, who is certainly missing your daughter as well. Take a walk together after dinner; make weekly plans to explore a nearby town or restaurant. Keep the lines of communication open with your spouse as you embark on the next phase of your life.

For me, personally, I’m in the 25% that felt joy as the girls left for college. Do I miss them? Absolutely! Yet, I remember college to be one of the most memorable experiences of my life, and I’m grateful for the conversation and connection during our Sunday weekly calls. By taking action on any of the above-suggestions, you’ll begin to see a brighter future for all.

 

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Are You Scary?

In this Halloween season, when witches and ghouls take center stage, maybe it’s time to ask yourself if you’re scary. No, I’m not referring to the costume you’re planning to wear this year. I mean, do others feel safe sharing their truth with you? After all, as a leader — at work or at home—you’re operating in the dark when others won’t speak the truth.

We are constantly teaching others how to treat us and no one is going to be honest with you if their transparency is met with disrespect, anger, criticism or you becoming emotionally defensive. This scary, destructive demeanor ruins relationships and prevents growth. Here are four strategies to go from frightful to delightful:

1. Look for Tell-Tale Signs. Want to know if others find you witchy or ghoulish? People only share information that is positive or they deem you’d find agreeable. So, if you haven’t heard others’ recent struggles, opinions, challenges or mistakes, beware. Chances are it’s not just because their life is smooth sailing, but rather they don’t want to get caught in your storm. Professionally, if no one discusses hot topics around you, or personally, if your child consistently lies to your face, it’s time to face the truth. All positive change begins with awareness.

2. Rather than React, Respond. When someone comes to you and shares information that you find distressing (“We won’t be able to meet the deadline for those deliverables you were promised.”) or you uncover a “D” on a child’s report card, take a deep breath and pause instead of blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. Until you can speak in a calm tone, don’t say anything. If this takes time, buy yourself some by saying, “Wow. Give me some time to process this information and we’ll revisit it (choose a time).” Refrain from asking accusatory questions such as, “How could you let this happen?!” Stay respectful and probe for more information. “Help me understand how we got here” or “Tell me more about what led to this situation.”

3. Be Gentle and Less Judgmental. We all have opinions about how others should believe, think, speak, and act, not to mention dress or even drive! That’s your truth. Live it. And, allow others to do the same. It’s one thing to have a strong opinion, but another to make others pay for not sharing your mindset.

4. Heal Your Hurts. The truth is, when we become scary and over-react, it’s often a result of our buried history. Perhaps we can’t forgive our own mistakes or still have unrealistic expectations or goals. A high need to be right or defensive behavior often signals someone who was made to feel wrong. Only when we accept our history and love ourselves just the way we are right now will we be able to give the same compassion and acceptance to others.

To lead both yourself and others to greatness, create an environment where truth-telling isn’t feared, but welcomed to create spook-tacular results!

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Building Boundaries

Dear Colette,

As a manager in a multinational company, I’m often asked by management and others to attend meetings at rather unreasonable times of day, night, middle of the night and Sundays.

Recently my manager asked me to cover one time zone. However, I continue to receive requests from him to attend meetings that are outside of my agreed-upon time zone hours. I do have a life and responsibilities outside of work, and those non-work hours are my lifeline. How do I gently remind him of this agreement without sounding whiny or unprofessional? And how do I set the boundaries to keep this from happening again?

-Time Zone Time Out

Dear Time Zone Time Out,

The sooner you have a conversation with your manager, the better. Here’s some phraseology:

“(Manager), I’ve been receiving meeting requests from you outside of the designated time zones we discussed. Has something changed since our last conversation, or are you simply making me aware these meetings are taking place to keep me in the loop?”

Perhaps this gentle reminder will be all it takes to make him honor your agreement. If the situation has changed and his expectations are that you’re on these additional calls, you have a decision to make. Show up or speak up. Doing excellent work makes it easier to push back when needed. You might say in that circumstance, “As we discussed prior, I enjoy my position and feel I’m a solid member of the team who contributes. My focus comes from being able to know that I have the time necessary to honor commitments outside of work. Is it possible to receive a summary, rather than be on every call, in order to keep this balance?”

Given our global world, these decisions and choices aren’t going away.

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7 Strategies to Get Heard and Get Ahead

Janet is a human resource manager who’s lost her mojo when it comes to asserting herself in her newest position.

“I’ve become afraid to speak up when I should,” she confessed to me. She’s not alone – I hear this theme often. Just like any fear, the more we avoid it, the larger it looms. That’s why I’m offering these seven strategies to help you speak up and speak your truth the next time you feel that your voice needs to be heard:

1. Clarity is key. Ask yourself, what do I really want? For example, are you speaking up to correct a misunderstanding that could lead to litigation or to heal a relationship rift? Once you have clarity about what you want in this circumstance, your focus and follow-through will be stronger.

2. Tally the cost. Need motivation? Consider the price you’re paying for not speaking up. What are you missing out on doing, experiencing or having as a result of staying silent? Is the price you’re paying worth it?

3. Get a grip. Could you handle it if the conversation didn’t go your way? What do you actually believe will happen as a result? In reality, you’ve handled everything that has ever happened to you to date, so count on being able to handle this too!

4. Script it. Write what you want to say and practice, practice, practice. This will help you NOT choke in the moment.

5. Start small. Begin by speaking up in small steps, perhaps to your dry cleaner who overcharges and didn’t remove the stain or saying no to a demanding friend. Practice saying what you mean and meaning what you say, without being mean.

6. Envision a win. In your mind’s eye, visualize a successful outcome to the situation.

7. Ready, set, go! Confidence only comes from taking action. No shortcuts.

Only when we get comfortable being uncomfortable will we speak our truth, get heard and get ahead.

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How to Deal with a ‘Debbie Downer’ at Work

Dear Colette,

A woman who works for me has proven herself to be a real “Debbie Downer,” continually focusing on the negative. For example, she repeatedly complains about how broke she is. I offer advice, but she seems more interested in rehashing the same old gripes than actually doing something about her situation. It’s not that I lack compassion for her, but her negativity has become a distraction in the workplace. How would you suggest I handle this?

-Mood Management

Dear Mood Management,

When someone in our life chooses to repeatedly complain and refuses to take positive action, it can be draining for all involved. In the workplace, this type of behavior costs us in productivity and morale. The next time she starts going down that road, simply say, “May I make an observation? In the past you’ve shared with me your financial challenges, I make suggestions, and yet we find ourselves back here in a similar conversation without anything changing. This pattern concerns me, as it’s getting in the way of our productivity and office morale. Moving forward, I’d like you to refrain from these conversations in the workplace. Please know that I always have a listening ear should you need support taking action with regard to your situation.”

 

If that type of direct approach makes you uncomfortable, I’d like you to consider that you’re modeling the same behavior that she is: You’re going round and round, offering advice that you know won’t be heard or implemented. Instead, by practicing this new strategy, it may make you uncomfortable, but you’ll be taking action to correct the problem. Remember comfort and growth are incompatible, and as her supervisor, you need to model the behavior you want from others. Who knows? It may inspire her to take positive steps to remedy her own situation.

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Is Waiting the Hardest Part?

“So, do you have a job yet?” my parents once again asked during our ritual, weekly call to which I replied, “Not yet.” Given the latest research on waiting, I now understand why my folks were anxious. After all, the outcome was out of their control, coupled with the fact both were concerned for my welfare.

Which brings me to ask, how well do you deal with uncertainty when you simply have to wait for news? For example, when you have to wait to hear if your child was accepted into a particular school or to get back medical tests? Do you find yourself spending endless mind time ruminating and thinking of worst-case scenarios, or do you let it go until you know?

Turns out, the most difficult part of waiting is at the start and end of a waiting period. Research subjects who were less anxious during the waiting process also rated higher in optimism and lower in defensive pessimism, which is the tendency to assume the worst when waiting. But what if you’re one of those worriers, or you have to deal with one? Here’s what I suggest.

1. Speak Your Truth. For example, if questions from well-intentioned family and friends  increase your anxiety, let them know that you would prefer they not ask about the results. Assure them you will let them know as soon as you have information. This is the tactic I used with my own folks back in my late 20s. You see, I had made a conscious choice to take a few months off between jobs, given I had moved from city to city for the prior two years while working for sales gurus Tom Hopkins and Brian Tracy. While I generally wasn’t anxious about my job situation, their questioning always created stress. Time to speak my truth: “Mom and Dad, I have shared with you that I’m taking some time off, and I know this makes you anxious and concerned. You’ve made it very clear through our conversations how much you want me to be employed. Count on the fact that when I do find a position, you two will be the first to know. In the meantime, I’d prefer you not ask about my job situation. Would you both honor my request?”

2. Express vs. Suppress. Pull out a journal and spend five to ten minutes purging your concerns. Letting out your emotions, rather than simply telling yourself not to worry, may sound counterintuitive but it works. Research shows it’s almost as if you’ve released and slain the beast. Not a paper to pen person? Call a dear friend and say, “I’m concerned about (blank), and I need a friend like you to just listen and tell me everything’s going to be okay.”

3. Remind your Mind. Take a moment and remind yourself that you have overcome every challenge in your life thus far. Take a look in the mirror and say, “To date I (we) have handled every situation that has come my (our) way, and I (we) will handle this too, no matter the outcome.” I suggest you also remind yourself of what brings you joy, whether that’s gardening, playing a musical instrument or engaging in another hobby you love, volunteering, or going out with friends. Get busy doing one of those activities.

All of life is uncertain. When you’re in that limbo period of waiting, after you’ve done everything you can, you’ll need to accept the uncertainty for a time, maintaining hope that it will turn out exactly as it should and trusting that you have the strength to meet any challenges that arise.

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Phraseology for Leaving a Meeting Early

Dear Colette,

I have a question related to communicating assertively.

I have lost hours stuck in meetings because I’m unable to tactfully excuse myself. I believe I’m a bit too passive, or I feel rude if I interrupt.

What is the best way to deal with this situation?

 -Wasted Time

Dear Wasted Time,

Keep in mind that the company is paying you to be engaged and create outcomes, NOT to waste your time, and indirectly, their time as well. Perhaps this is the shift you need to make in your mind so you don’t feel guilty, but rather empowered, to get where you need to be to operate at your top performance level.

Gather your things quietly, stand up, wait for a breath (if the person is too long-winded) and politely say, “Excuse me. I must leave. I’ll catch up with you later,” and LEAVE.

Or, “I need to be somewhere else.” Smile, leave. You do have to be somewhere else – and no one needs to know where that is, even if it’s the bathroom.

Remember, it’s not rude if your tone of voice is kind and you say it with a smile. Powerful people have places to go, people to meet and things to do. It only reflects on you as a leader.

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‘No’ is Your Password to the Next Level

After reading compelling research specific to women getting ahead in the workplace, I want to revisit why no is the password to the next level.

No matter your position or career goals, I believe you can benefit from these findings by Lise Vesterlund, economics professor at the University of Pittsburgh. Her latest research reveals that women in the workforce are more likely than men to:

1. Volunteer to do non-promotable tasks.

2. Be asked to do non-promotable tasks.

3. Agree to do these tasks.

So why do women in particular agree to take on more, when we really want to say “no”?  For most of us, it’s based on fear – of disappointing or angering someone, of being criticized, talked-about or judged, or of losing an opportunity or our perceived status.

Vesterlund’s research confirmed that when deciding how to respond to a request, nearly a third of women were afraid of being regarded as not helpful, yet fewer than 10 percent of men felt this way. In fact, men were more concerned with whether the task was a good use of their time, would advance their career or would result in someone owing them a favor.

So the next time you’re asked to take on a non-promotable task, think strategically before responding. Will this task give you access to, or recognition or respect from, a connection you’re cultivating? Will it develop a skill set you’re looking to grow? Or will it simply take energy, focus and time away from other vital deliverables?

At a minimum, if you choose to say yes, negotiate in the moment and say, “Happy to take this on this time. And moving forward, it would be great to rotate this task amongst the team.”

Finally, consider that by not taking on every task, you’re creating an opportunity for a colleague to step up and learn and grow from the experience. This holds true at home as well. Perhaps this summer it’s time to empower your team at home, whether age 4 or 54, to share the load so together you can say “yes” to some summer fun.

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