Paul Angone's Blog, page 3

Inspiring story that brought me to tears

I try not to make it a habit of quietly sobbing while I watch reality TV, but this time, I was helpless.

I’ve never told anyone this story before…

I’ve never told anyone this story before.

It was my first big break of my writing and speaking career. And I blew it. Or at least, that’s how I felt.

I left feeling so defeated and foolish that I wondered if I’d ever have another chance like this again.

Ahhhhgg, my stomach feels like it’s playing a one-man game of Twister just thinking about it again.

 

So, the story.

I was still working full-time in marketing and my first book 101 Secrets For Your Twenties had not yet come out yet.

I’d been working at the writing thing for years and had finally built enough momentum and excitement with my website AllGroanUp.com that a well-known university reached out for me to speak at their senior career day in another state.

I was going to do the big opening keynote, and then as well, a breakout session later in the day on networking.

I was thrilled!

For years and years I’d worked and failed and struggled to build enough momentum to grow my own business and this was my first real out-of-state, paid speaking engagement.

Yet, with working my fairly intense full-time job, while finishing 101 Secrets For Your Twenties on a one-month deadline, and helping at home with our two-year-old and newborn, I didn’t work as much as I would’ve liked creating the talk before I left.

I flew out the night before my talk and remember making a corner of the hotel lobby my home as I downed coffee and worked on creating my keynote. I wanted it perfect, so I kept changing slides, adding things in, working through the order, and before you know it, it was 3:30 am and I had to be there at 8:00 am.

Thankfully, I finally went to sleep and heard my alarm! And got there on time!

The Big Keynote!

But man, was I a coffee-fueled, adrenaline-rush mess as I sat in the front row waiting to be introduced.

I remember when they called my name, I stood up so fast that I sent my coffee flying off the chair and across the floor. And this isn’t even the embarrassing part of my story!

I got up and did my talk. It was a little rough in certain parts, but overall it went pretty well.

I’ve learned over the years, that just like a comedian crafting their routine, it takes a lot of practice and refinement to make a keynote powerful and smooth. I wasn’t quite there yet, but the feedback and conversations I had with students afterwards let me know I’d done a good job.

Relieved and exhausted, I planned on leaving the campus to refuel and eat, before having to give my breakout talk. I touched base with my point of contact about the time I needed to come back. Then she informed me that she actually had to leave for a funeral, but everything should be set.

I went to a coffee shop and just crashed. I don’t know if you’ve ever had this feeling of getting off such an adrenaline rush, mixed with exhaustion, that you’re just done. That’s how I felt.

I wanted to just fall asleep, but I needed to dial in my breakout session talk. I struggled through working at the coffee shop for a few hours before heading back to campus for my second talk.

When Everything Went Wrong

As I pulled up to campus, I knew right away something was seriously wrong.

All the students were pouring out of the building. I briskly walked up and asked one of the students what was going on.

“Well, the career day is over. Thanks for your talk! Bye…”

My heart sunk deep and got stuck under a rock.

I walked in the building towards the main check-in and caught the face of the director of the career center. She was furious and not hiding one bit of fury!

“Where in the world have you been!” She shouted at me, not caring who was around.

“Umm, I was at a coffee shop. I thought my break-out was at 2:00.”

“The whole conference ended at 2:00! You were supposed to be here at 1:00!”

“I’m so sorry, I thought I’d confirmed the time with your assistant before she left.”

“Well, she’s at a funeral so I couldn’t get a hold of her. And I didn’t have your cell number. I emailed you over and over!”

“Shoot, I didn’t check my email.”

“Yeah I can tell,” her fury had only grown hotter. “We had to just throw up an alum to do your session. I can’t believe this.”

I felt sick.

“I’m so sorry. I can give you the check back. I can’t believe this either. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry. Keep it. Great working with you,” she said dripping in sarcasm, then she was gone. A handful of people who’d witnessed the whole thing giving me those “that was ugly” kind of looks, with a brave student coming up and saying, “Well, I did really enjoy the talk you gave…”

I shuffled back to my rental car and if I didn’t sit there and cry, dang I sure wanted to.

I remember going to a movie theater afterwards and watching Silver Linings Playbook – the dysfunction of the characters feeling like a fitting story for me to enter into.

I felt so extremely dejected. My first real opportunity and I blew it. I wasn’t sure if I’d get another chance or if I could even do this whole speaking thing.

Why am I Telling You All This Now?

So you can catch a glimpse of the journey

Too often we shout our successes and then hide our failures. I know I’m guilty of this. I hid this story for five years!

However…

Along the path of accomplishment come many deep potholes of embarrassment and failure. (click to tweet that)

We hide the messy parts of our story when that’s actually the most engaging and important parts for others to see.

I didn’t just magically arrive at publishing three books and being a full-time author and speaker.

I stumbled my way to it. I still am stumbling my way through it. But I’ve learned that pretty and put-together is overrated.

You can’t have magnificent without some messes along the way. (click to tweet that)

If our worth is tied to every outcome, we will feel worthless

We can’t hitch our self-worth to the perceived failures or successes of each day.

As I write in my new book 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties (and let’s be honest, your thirties too), “Accomplishing less or more will never be able to sustain me. So much of my value was coming from the ebb and flow of success, so I kept getting tossed around by each new wave.”

When we tie our worth to the perceived outcomes, we will be like yo-yo’s constantly getting yanked up and thrown down at the whims of someone else’s opinions of us.

You are more than the visible outcome of your work.

And the outcome of your work might be more than what is currently visible.

Do good work. Put your dream out there. Do your best to help others.

Then, let it go. Your dream can’t fly if your identity and self-worth are clinging to the back of it.” – 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties (and Thirties)

Don’t lather yourself in disappointment like a model in suntan lotion

You’ll just keep getting burnt.

I’ve now spoken to thousands and thousands of people all over the nation. Thankfully, I didn’t let this first big failure in my speaking career completely derail me.

It punched me in the gut and knocked me down, but I kept on swinging. And making sure for each future speaking engagement, everyone has my cell phone number and I’m triple checking with them all the logistics and details!

I learned time and time again what I wrote in 101 Secrets For Your Twenties, “Fail, but don’t start calling yourself a failure.”

Or as I ask in 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties, “Am I bathing in disappointment like a cat taking a nap in its own liter box?”

Yes, we will make some messes. Clean them up and move forward.

Learn, grow, then go.

Are there any ways in your life that you’ve let past disappointments stop you from moving into your future successes? We’d love to hear your story within the comments on this article.

Don’t Get Married Because You’re in Love

Today All Groan Up welcomes a guest post from Debra Fileta. She is a professional counselor, national speaker, and author of the new book Choosing Marriage. Enjoy!

There’s a disturbing trend that’s sweeping our culture: people getting married because they’re in love.

Now, that may not sound disturbing to you at all. In fact, that may be exactly what you were taught to do.

Maybe it’s what you’ve heard and seen in the couples around you.

Maybe it’s what you’ve read about, and watched on TV.

And maybe, it’s how you’ve approached marriage for yourself.

Because first comes love, then comes marriage .

It’s what songs are made of, and dreams are dreamed.

But what if we’ve got it all wrong? What if our definition of “love” is completely off?

What if our expectations of being “in love” are actually causing more harm than good?

Because just as quickly as you can fall in love, you can fall right back out of love.

Just as quickly as emotions come, emotions can go. When we follow our feelings into marriage, we can also follow our feelings right back out of marriage.

CHOOSING LOVE VS. BEING IN LOVE

Feelings come, and feelings go, and those who build the foundation of their marriage on how they feel will eventually find their marriage crumbling. It’s easy to follow our hearts, but it takes courage to LEAD our hearts.”- Debra Fileta, Choosing Marriage

It takes courage to lead our hearts into healthy relationships.

It takes courage to lead our hearts into making good choices.

It takes courage to lead our hearts in recognizing the traits and qualities that make a good marriage, and the qualities and traits that do not.

We live in a culture that would rather us have feelings over faithfulness.

Sexual chemistry over compatibility.

Infatuation over integrity.

Attraction over attitude.

Glamour over godliness.

Hotness over humility.

Being in love over choosing to love.

So please, don’t get married just because you’re in love.

Get married because you see the important qualities and traits in someone that will make for an incredible partner, a partner who will faithfully walk by your side through the ups and downs of life, and love you through thick and thin.

Get married, when and only when, you are ready to CHOOSE love. Every single day of your life.

Because that, my friends, is what makes for true love. No matter what Hollywood tells you.

—-

Debra Fileta is a Professional Counselor, national speaker, relationship expert, and author of True Love Dates, Choosing Marriage, and the creator of the True Love Dates blog where she writes candidly about love, sex, dating, relationships, and marriage.

15 Best Ways to Wreck Your Twenties (and beyond!)

Want to wreck your twenties and way beyond? Here are the 15 best ways to do it.

1. Let fear win. Always. Follow it wherever it stops you. Never do anything you’re scared of. If it’s a reach, if there’s a chance it might not work, why do it? You might fail. Better to never know and always wonder, right?

2. Compare, compare, compare. You can never compare enough, especially on social media. Scroll, and scroll, and scroll. Let everyone’s success smother you like an electric blanket turned up on high in August. Obsessive Comparison Disorder doesn’t work in moderation.

3. Stay in that exact place where you know how to handle everything. Sure you might be miserable, but at least you’re comfortable in it.

4. Be the best critic and cynic you can be. Be like the cafeteria leader in high school, mocking anyone and anybody who is trying something. Be the wrecking ball to everyone’s first building blocks. Crush them before they can create. That way you can feel better about everything you’re not creating.

5. Don’t tell anyone where you’re going. Don’t ask for help. Do it all by yourself. As I write in 101 Questions You Need to Asking in Your Twenties, we have to stop struggling to make it appear like you’re not struggling. Life is a heavy load sometimes. We all need people there right next to us, helping us from getting crushed.

6. Buy, spend, and pay for things you can’t pay for. Because why wait, right?

7. Burn bridges like you’re behind enemy lines in WWII. Burn all the bridges so there’s no chance of escape when you get in a tight pinch. You don’t like something or someone, yell it at extreme octaves across social media. Throw shade. Throw gasoline. Light the match. Repeat.

8. Stop reading good books. Just read the daily glut of infotainment headlines about everything going wrong. Stop learning real stuff. Everything you need to know about life you’ve surely learned by 21-years-old.

9. Follow all the trends. Chase after them like a two-year-old sprinting after bubbles. Sure, they’re all going to pop sometime soon, but why not skin your knees a thousand times falling after them.

10. Don’t ask yourself any hard questions. Just put your head down and keep going in the direction you don’t want to go. When you retire in your 70s or 80s, I guess then you can ask yourself what you want to do with your life. Go through transitions and crisis as fast as possible so that you don’t have to think about where they are taking you.

11. Be wildly erratic and amazingly arrogant.

“Success in your 20s and 30s is about consistency, humility, and many other unsexy words that won’t make the Twentysomething Hallmark Collection.”  –  101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties

Don’t commit and work through the struggle. Just bounce from one thing to another like a rubber ball on a slab of cement.

12. Get yours. Always get yours. Don’t worry about theirs. Especially if you’re thinking about marriage. That relationship especially better serve you and your desires 110%, right?

13. Fail, then keep calling yourself a failure.

14. Never give yourself any time or space to think. Whenever silence creeps into your day, fill it as fast as possible with your phone. Don’t avoid distractions. Live for them.

15. Keep thinking that at 29-years-old, you’ll have it all figured out. Or at 35-years-old. Or 65-years-old. We’re never supposed to have it all figured out. And the people who think they do, are in for the biggest surprise of them all.

Your dream is not dead

Does your dream feel on life support right now?

Do you feel like everyone is seemingly living their dream through every picture they post on Instagram?

Yet here you are, watching your dream search for loose change in the couch so it can buy a one-way bus ticket as far away from you as possible.

I can relate. For years and years my dream felt like a hot mess that no one wanted to touch.

I could write a whole book about every time my dream was lifeless on the floor with seemingly no chance of survival. Well, actually that is kind of what all my books are about.

Failure Upon Failure

For years every publisher and their mom rejected me and my book. Editors kept changing my book. I worked at a call center just to make enough to pay bills while I kept working on my book.

My dream was to encourage other twentysomethings who felt like they were failing, yet in my twenties, I just kept failing.

My dream died, but it wasn’t dead.

My dream was actually turning into something much bigger and more substantial.

All the failure and rejection wasn’t a detour away from my dream, it was the exact pathway to it.

All the failure was pushing my dream further into the ground. I thought it was to its grave. Now I see, it was so my dream could have deep enough roots to grow.

The failure became my message. Working through the pain, and then helping others do the same, became my purpose.

That’s why I encourage people to ask in my new book 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties, “What are my problems and personal pain revealing to me about my purpose?”

Purpose in the Pain

Your failed dreams. Your struggles. Your breaking moments will help others be healed.

If your dream is not working out according to plan, maybe that’s the exact plan after all.

Sometimes the worst thing that can happen to someone is to achieve the exact success they hoped for too quickly.

It’s a lot easier to do something successful once than it is to sustain it.

So if success feels like a labor of love right now, maybe it’s because you’re building a strong foundation for it. Maybe you’re going through the ringer a little right now to save you from going through a dumpster fire later.” – 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties 

Now, my dream has grown into three published books and speaking to global leaders.

My dream that “died” is now being sold in Target! Both my books 101 Secrets For Your Twenties and 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties!  If that looks like surreal shock on my face in the picture below, it’s because it is.

Now my kids get to walk into one of their favorite stores and see daddy’s dream. Maybe someday they will read it when they feel like their dreams are on life-support.

Now my “dead dream” is speaking hope and encouragement to fellow dreamers who stumble across my book in a Target aisle.

The messages I’ve received from people who have found my book for the first time, read some of it, then find me on social media to let me know how the book is impacting them, all while still standing in Target, is unbelievable and humbling.

All the failure and frustration has become more than worth it.

Maybe your dream is not going to its grave right now. Maybe it’s being planted. The bigger the dream, the larger the impact, the deeper your roots need to go. (click to tweet that)

 

Stop scrolling. Start creating.

All the photos.

All the updates.

All the amazing snapshots of everyone’s amazingness.

It’s just too much, isn’t it?

And yet, there we are. Again.

Scrolling through. Again.

One photo after another…

after another…

after another…

Searching for what?

I’m not sure.

And yet, I do it all the time.

I scroll through 10 pictures on Instagram before I even realize I’m on it.

I’m not thinking. I’m escaping.

I’m looking to be distracted from my own life with snapshots of everyone else’s.

We used to live annoyed by distractions. Now, it seems, we live for them.” – 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties 

We’re scrolling too much. And creating too little.

We need to stop the constant comparison. The Obsessive Comparison Disorder.

We need to stop staring at everyone else’s success stories on social media and start creating our own. (click to tweet that)

Don’t worry about everyone’s “success” on social media. There’s an ugly side to every amazing picture they’re posting.

Focus on writing your own story instead of trying to live someone else’s.

Think.

Create.

Make.

Dream.

Do.

If not now, when?

Creating is a courageous fight against “the way it’s always been.” What will you create?” – 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties

Instead of complaining about everything wrong with this world, let’s start creating something right.

A Prayer for Every Twentysomething

I pray that you will know that you’re enough even when it feels like you’re not accomplishing enough.

I pray that staring at the blank white walls in front of you won’t overwhelm you, but will give you the excitement to pick up a brush and paint.

I pray that you will listen to that small, still voice inside of you that is screaming to be heard.

I pray that you will, 

“Dream big and be faithful in the small.”  – 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties 

I pray that you will be plagued by peace even when the world feels infected by the contrary.

I pray you will define, refine, own, and hone who you are. That you will have the courage to find your signature sauce no matter how many failed experiments it takes to get there.

I pray that you will create.  That you will walk through your day expecting to see something amazing. You’re living in a masterpiece. All you have to do is take notes.

I pray that you will give yourself grace in not knowing what you’re doing while you figure out what to do.

I pray you’ll have the courage to change. That you will never know the cold, confused complacency of thinking you’ve got it all figured out.

I pray that you’ll leave your phone out of the bathroom when you sit on the toilet because you don’t have to be online every second. And come on, I might need to borrow your phone someday and that’s just gross.

I pray that the heavy weight of all the unknowns will feel surprisingly light. (click to tweet)

I pray that the next movie you stream on Netflix will actually be worth your time.

I pray that when a friend calls, you will pick up the phone even when it doesn’t feel like the right time to talk. Because for many years in your twenties it might not feel like the right time to talk.

When it feels like God is not answering your prayers for all the big things you’re crying out for, I pray that you’ll see that maybe God is not ignoring you. Maybe God is saving your life.

I pray you will see God working even when you can’t see anything growing out of the ground.

I pray that you will mentor and be mentored. That you will intentionally seek out those who you can help and those who might want to help you.

I pray that at least once this year when everyone’s stuck in traffic that you will pull over in a field or parking lot and lay on the hood of your car.

I pray you won’t give up.

“Someone out there right now needs your dream, and neither of you know it.” – 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties

I pray that you’ll look a few people in the eyes this week and tell them how much you love them.

I pray that you will war for hope.

I pray that you won’t need to hit rock bottom before you begin your descent back up.

I pray that you will truly embarrass yourself once this year going for something that you feel completely incapable of going for. And that you’ll realize how much you can accomplish along the path to a failed end result.

“The possibility for greatness and embarrassment both exist in the same space. If you’re not willing to be embarrassed, you’re probably not willing to do anything great.” – 101 Secrets For Your Twenties

The next time you do a belly flop, I pray you’ll see that God is waiting there, ready to wrap your hurting body in a big warm towel.

I pray that when you feel like you’ve got nothing left, you will realize that you’ve got so much more. 

I pray that you’ll know when it’s time to run and when it’s time to crawl. When it’s time to work in a cubicle and when it’s time to light it on fire.

I pray you’ll know what season you’re in. When it’s time to plant and when it’s time to harvest. Keep working the ground.

I pray you’ll pursue big things without worrying too much about the results because

“Success in your 20s is more about setting the table than enjoying the feast.” – 101 Secrets For Your Twenties

This is my prayer for you.

PS – This prayer was written while sitting on the hood of my car during peak LA traffic. 

What’s your prayer? Let us know within the comments  on this article below. 

When people say lies about you…

Is there a worse feeling than being lied about?

Being attacked for something you believe or said is one thing.

Being attacked for something that you did not even do is something that really makes me angry. Especially on the internet where people can pretty much say whatever they want without recourse.

It’s been one of those weeks for me.

And honestly without fail, this happens almost every year around graduation season in the form of reviews of my books on Amazon. The same kind of lies around the same time.

First, came this fun, 1-star review about 101 Secrets For Your Twenties. And I’ll quote it in full: “The very first page I opened to had a glaring error in the chapter heading, and now I recall reading about errors throughout. Shame on the author — especially for not correcting the errors since original publication. It’s also not a nice-looking book inside — the colors, the typeface. I glanced through it and found it depressing, hardly a good graduation gift for my nephew who’s a good writer.”

I’ve never responded to a negative review before, but I did with this one. Mainly, to offer a full refund and ask the reviewer where this massive “error” was in a “chapter heading” that would elicit such a strong response that she would shame me.

And alas, four days later and no response. Mainly because I don’t think it’s true. Sure, there’s been grammar mistakes in 101 Secrets. Happens to every book. But I don’t think that’s the case here. And I’ve actually had similar reviews year after year at the exact same time that rip me apart for unidentified “errors” that they never actually say what those errors are. Very strange and very frustrating, to say the least.

However, not to be outdone, I just got this doozy of a 1-star review on my new book 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties that stated:

“I found a question that said. “Do women desire sex for a baby?” I find that rude. Vampire books are way better then this crap.”

I’m not sure where to even start with this review. It’s so weird and preposterous in every way that it doesn’t even make sense.

So I bring this all to the community here at All Groan Up.

What do you do when you get attacked with a bunch of crazy lies?

What do you do when you’re making progress and helping people, when all of the sudden out of the darkness comes someone to try and pull you down?

Two things I’m thinking through right now when you get attacked with lies.

One, sometimes you  have to confront those spreading the lies and call them out on it. That’s what I did with the first 1-star review.  And if you’re doing this in a real-life setting at the office or with friends, I say confront with a few people there with you. Don’t do it alone or more lies might be spun out of the conversation.

I’m not saying you go in for the attack yourself. Just go and ask that the truth be revealed.

This is not easy to do, especially to stay calm about it (definitely not my strong suit). But you can’t let the lies keep spreading without confronting the liar. Stay calm and confront.

Two, I’m of the opinion that you know you’re doing your most meaningful work sometimes when the attacks get the most fierce and ridiculous. That’s the way I feel about this crazy review of 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties. When the lies are so insane they don’t even make sense, I think it means you’re onto something really transformational and someone, or something, doesn’t want people to find healing through it.

And I am a believer that what was meant for evil, God can turn to good.

Maybe that’s why I write all of you now as well. To ask for your help.

To turn these terrible lies and reviews into something good by writing your own positive reviews of 101 Secrets For Your Twenties and 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties. If you’ve read the books and haven’t written a review yet, help drown out the lies with something good.

Thanks everyone. How about you? What do you do when someone lies about you?

7 Best Ways to Support Your Grown-Up Child

How do you “be there” for your grown-up child without being “too there” for your grown-up child?

Parenting a grown-up child is complex.

It takes a different kind of parenting mindset to reach a grown-up child that is more nuanced and possibly a different dynamic than what you’re even used to. I’ll explain more below.

Through my experience writing three books for twentysomethings, speaking to and hearing from thousands of emerging adults over the years, as well as speaking to leaders in organizations on how to best lead and retain young professionals, I have formulated some good strategies for parents on the best ways to support and connect with your grown-up children.

Now, if you are a twentysomething reading this, don’t leave yet. You might want to forward this email on to your parents!

A quick, very cute video from my family

“Let’s film all the kids talking about your new book.”

“You realize one of our kids can’t even talk, right?”

“Yeah! It will be perfect!”

That was the gist of my conversation with my wife one afternoon. And thankfully, I stood out of the way and let my wife run with this great video from my whole family.

You just can’t get better than a 5-year-old wearing a cat in sunglasses t-shirt that says “Check Meowt”. 

So without further ado, here’s a one-minute, very cute message from my seven-year-old, five-year-old, one-year old, and my wife about my new book 101 Questions You Need to Ask in Your Twenties: (and let’s be honest, your thirties too).

I think the best part of pursuing a dream is doing it as a family.

Watch the Message Below from my Family