L.E. Truscott's Blog, page 37

Book Review: The Light Between Oceans by ML Stedman

There’s a tagline on the front cover of this book that says, “This is a story of right and wrong, and how sometimes they look the same.” It could more accurately and easily have read, “This is a story of selfishness and how sometimes people don’t care what’s right if it gets in the way of their own happiness.”

The Light Between Oceans is the debut novel of ML Stedman and we know before we even open the front cover what is going to happen because of the blurb. Tom, a lighthouse keeper on a tiny remote island off the Western Australia coast, and Isabel, his wife, find a crying baby inside a dinghy that has washed up on the shore. With the baby is the body of a dead man. And instead of reporting their find, the couple who have lost three of their own babies to miscarriage decide to keep the child as their own and bury the man’s body in an unmarked grave. Their life of isolation allows them to successfully pass the baby off as their own.

But back on the mainland is a mother stricken with grief because of years of imagining what has become of her husband and child, mingled with a hope of seeing them again that all others have long since given up.

There’s nothing surprising about this book. It’s not hard to see that there will be a tug of war between two sets of parents over the love and custody of only one child. It’s not hard to see that instead of one life ruined if the baby had been returned when it should have been, there will be many lives ruined and turned upside down.

The novel is well-written and well-edited (except that whoever edited it doesn’t know how to spell the word “focused” – it appears over and over with the double s) but it took me a long time to read it because nothing ever happened that surprised me, nothing that urged me on and on, nothing that made me want to keep reading instead of doing something else.

The setting for the novel and the landscape it contains are triumphs. Janus Rock, where the lighthouse is, and Point Partageuse, the nearest town that supplies the island every three months, are idyllic and harsh in equal measure and as important as any character in the book. The historical period, straight after World War I, in which so many people have lost so much, is also just as important; I think it would have been difficult to tell this story earlier or later and have the choices be choices rather than decisions of fate.

But the characters are boring. There’s a hint here and there of someone interesting – Bluey’s mother as she urges him to turn Tom and Isabel in for child stealing and claim a huge reward – but they’re few and far between and disappear without a trace. And so we’re only left with an array of people whose primary concern is their own wishes without regard for responsibility or consequence. Ultimately, that makes it difficult to care about them and as I’m sure you can tell, I became consumed instead with the selfishness of all of them.

If you like historical Australian fiction, you’ll probably like this. If you like historical romance fiction, you’ll probably like this. But if you’re looking for a genuine exploration of hard choices and a complex storyline with an ending that makes you wonder if there really is ever right and wrong on offer at all, this isn’t the book you’re looking for. Apart from anything else, it gives away too much in the beginning and then expects the reader to stay with it while it winds back the clock and ignores the main premise of the book for a long, long time. I hung in there but only just. I attribute that to the writing and the setting because the characters and the plot certainly had little to do with why I persisted.

The Light Between Oceans could have been better but it could have been worse, too. Hardly the greatest of recommendations but I suspect it will have plenty of fans who enjoy this sort of book, which doesn’t ask too much beyond the suspension of disbelief, a blind eye to selfishness and a few weeks of your time.

3 stars

*First published on Goodreads 1 December 2015

Mills & Boon Short Story Competition Entry: A Novel Seduction

As a follow-up to my Wednesday blog post about writing competitions, here is a short story (or more accurately, a short scene) I wrote back in 2000 for a Mills & Boon competition.

It’s not exactly embarrassing but I think there is an obvious subtext that I wasn’t ready to be published yet (i.e. a young author asks a mentor for help, albeit in a Mills & Boon context).

Try not to laugh too much.

Genna Lawrence hadn’t known Daniel Connelly all that long and she had no doubt that was the reason she was sitting here with him now at a secluded corner table. The list in her pocket had four other names on it, all men she knew well, and yet she had immediately come to Daniel with this request.

Anticipating his response was virtually impossible. It was his reaction she was more concerned about though. The duration of their friendship may have been short but she wanted to continue it. And despite the fact that her request might drive a permanent wedge between them, something deep down was pushing her to ask it anyway.

“I need a mentor, Daniel,” Genna stated matter-of-factly. “I need a teacher. And I need that person to be someone I already know, someone I respect, someone who respects me. I want you to be my mentor, Daniel. I want you to be my teacher.”

His expression didn’t change one bit. He simply stared straight at her. Genna fought the urge to toy with her drink. Instead she drank some of the liquid down and tried not to remember that she and Daniel were sitting in the corner of the bar he owned. Before it hadn’t seemed to matter but right then she was far too aware that they were on his turf, literally and metaphorically.

Finally he spoke.

“Is this some sort of scheme for getting closer to me?” he asked without even a hint of arrogance. And silently Genna acknowledged that he had every right to ask.

“No, it’s nothing like that. It’s just a simple work-related issue. I’m one chapter away from a completed novel and I need your help to finish that one chapter.” If only it wasn’t a novel that required several erotic scenes, she added to herself.

He looked sceptical.

“It’s not about love, it’s not about romance, it’s not about any of those things. It’s just about the pure basic instincts, plain and simple.”

Suddenly Daniel smiled and rocked back in his chair, but it was not any sort of joy or gladness responsible for the expression. “If there are two things this isn’t, it’s plain and simple.”

“I can appreciate this must be difficult. And I know I’m asking a lot—”

“The problem isn’t that it’s difficult. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. It’s not every day a beautiful woman comes into my bar and tells me she wants me to teach her everything there is to know about making love and afterwards there will be no strings attached.” Daniel looked straight into her eyes and Genna held his gaze, knowing if she couldn’t even do that then there was little chance of his agreeing to teach her. Even when she felt her skin reddening, she refused to allow herself to look down.

It was a strange request, one that most men would have agreed to in an instant. Meaningless but great sex – it was never really going to be making love – and the ability to walk away afterwards with little more than fond memories. Daniel’s hesitance proved to her that she had been right to approach him; she could never have trusted someone who agreed immediately. But having him reject the idea was not part of the scenario she had imagined. It wouldn’t be that hard for him to respond to her, would it? She was an attractive woman, she thought, and he had just called her beautiful…

She focused back on Daniel who was still regarding her intently but something had changed in his eyes. She waited to see if he would speak but he remained silent.

“Maybe this isn’t the best place to be having this conversation,” she ventured, the surroundings finally taking their toll.

“You’re right,” he agreed, pushing his chair back and standing abruptly. “Come on.” He took Genna’s hand and pulled her out of her chair. “Al,” he called, “watch the bar for me. I’m going upstairs for a moment.”

Al nodded his compliance and Daniel lead Genna behind the bar, out through a kitchen area and up a set of interior stairs, opening a door at the top of the last step and ushering her through. It was obviously his private apartment, conveniently located above the bar.

Initial impressions told her Daniel’s home was stylish, but before she could form further opinions, her arm was seized and used as leverage to spin her around. Suddenly Daniel’s body was against hers, but she didn’t feel any fear. She just looked into his eyes again, determined not to let him see her confusion. That strange new expression remained in his eyes as he stared into her face. And then his mouth descended.

His lips found hers, and pressed themselves so gently against her own, she wasn’t sure it could be called a kiss. But it deepened, and he moved against her and Genna found herself unable to stop from responding. She closed her eyes, glad to shut out the sight of his oddly intense gaze, and felt his lashes drift against her face. One hand came up to caress the line of her jaw and his thumb strayed to brush over her closed eyelids. As he shifted his head to kiss her more deeply, Genna wondered for a moment if this had anything to do with fulfilling her request.

Of course, it did, she told herself before logical thought abandoned her and feeling took control. As the kiss became more passionate, Daniel manoeuvred her back against the closed door they had just entered through and caught her face between his hands. Genna’s own hands pressed against his firm chest, and she feverishly sought the smooth skin beneath his shirt. She wrenched his shirt up, caressing his abdomen and sliding her fingers around to his back, clamping them between shoulder blades that seemed to quiver at her touch.

Daniel’s hands moved into her hair, holding her hostage to intentions Genna was unaware of, until a voice interrupted them and they sprung apart almost guiltily.

“Daniel, your accountant is here.” Genna hazily recognised the voice as Al, the bartender’s.

“I’ll be right down,” he answered without opening the door as Genna’s hands went unconsciously to her ruffled hair.

“What was that?” she felt compelled to ask, struggling with the implications of what had just happened, and his response didn’t settle her mind one bit.

“It may have had something to do with teaching you a lesson, just not the one I think you were hoping for.”

 

Why It’s Unlikely You Will (and Why You Shouldn’t Take It to Heart When You Don’t) Win Writing Competitions

In my entire life, I’ve entered four writing competitions. They were:

*The 2015 Victorian Premier’s Literary Award for an Unpublished Manuscript

*The 2015 Griffith Review’s Novella Project III Competition

*The 2015 Hardie Grant Egmont Ampersand Project

*A 2000 Mills & Boon short story competition

It should be obvious to anyone reading this that I didn’t win any of them or you would have heard about it by now. You would have heard a lot about it!

After I submitted to the Hardie Grant Egmont Ampersand Project, I wrote a blog idea on my ideas board about competitions. Specifically that writers entering competitions shouldn’t get dejected when they don’t win. And here’s a few reasons why that hopefully make all of us “losers” feel a little bit better.

It’s a Small, Overpopulated World After All

These days, there are more and more people trying to tick “writing a novel” off their bucket list and consequently, there are more and more people submitting to publishers, self-publishing and submitting to writing competitions. It was already a small pond and it’s just getting smaller.

I submitted to the Griffith Review’s Novella Project III at the end of May and a decision was due by roughly the end of June. But at the end of June, all writers who had submitted a novella received the same email. It essentially said, “Thanks for the entries but there were so many more than we expected that we need a couple of extra weeks to be able to get through them all.” Even the people running the competitions are underestimating the numbers.

Fitting a Square Peg in a Round Hole

There are dozens and dozens of writing competitions. Hundreds. Thousands. There are so many competitions that writers might be tempted to enter all of them. But once you whittle them down, you’ll probably find that most aren’t suitable for you.

There are a lot of short story competitions. But I don’t write short stories. So they’re out.

There are almost as many poetry competitions. But I don’t write much poetry anymore. And certainly nothing that I would consider submitting. So that’s out, too.

I don’t write novellas. But one of the novels I’m working on tells the same story in three parts from three different perspectives. The first part is complete and I think it’s a pretty good piece of writing. Plus with a few tweaks, I managed to squeeze it into the maximum word limit. So I thought why not have a go at the Griffith Review’s Novella Project III?

Well, of course, the reason why (and that would have saved me the $50 entry fee) was because it wasn’t really a novella. And while it wasn’t exactly a square peg in a round hole, it didn’t have a proper ending because the ending is two more novella-sized pieces of writing slapped on the end (yes, you could even call it a novel). So it was never going to win a novella competition.

Which leaves novel competitions. There aren’t as many of these but there are enough. But most of them have very specific requirements. Must have an Australian theme. Must be for young adults. Must be crime. Must be unpublished. Must be published. Must be this length. No, must be that length.

Especially where cash prizes and publishing contracts are on offer, writers might convince themselves to change something here and something there to make their piece of writing fit the criteria of the competition rather than finding a competition where the criteria fits the piece of writing. It’s a mistake. Because it’s a compromise. That square peg will never fit in that round hole, no matter how hard you try.

Judging the Judges

Each competition engages the services of a handful of judges and anyone who has ever read a selection of book reviews on Goodreads will know that five different people can have five entirely different opinions on the same piece of writing. I always make a point of not reading reviews until after I’ve read a book and written my own review to make sure I’m not influenced by the thoughts and feelings of others. When I eventually do, I’m always surprised by how many people hated books I loved and loved books I hated.

The same applies for the people judging the competitions. They might have very different ideas, not just from you but also each other, on what constitutes a great piece of writing. The year you submit might be the year the judging panel comprises people who hate the style or genre or subtext of the piece you have chosen to submit.

It doesn’t mean your writing isn’t any good. It just means that the extremely small cross-section of the writing community chosen to select the winner that year found something else they preferred over your submission. You might have had better luck if you’d submitted something else. Or submitted the same piece the previous year. Or waited until next year. In the end, no matter how much hard work you put in, sometimes it all comes down to a bit of luck.

A Short and Exciting Postscript

Having said all of the above, entering writing competitions, even when you don’t win, is a great way of getting your work read by people who have influence and the ability to help you on your way. A week after I submitted my entry to the Hardie Grant Egmont Ampersand Project for young adult and middle grade manuscripts, I received an email. “Wow!” I thought. “That’s the quickest rejection I’ve ever had.”

But it wasn’t a rejection. It was a personal email from one of the Hardie Grant Egmont commissioning fiction editors telling me she had spent the weekend reading my manuscript in one sitting (even though there had been beautiful sunny weather outside), that she found it “utterly engrossing” and that she thought it was “tremendously well-written with a strong, deeply intimate voice and a strong sense of place”.

She finished the email by asking where I was at with the novel, where I was planning to take it (as it is the first in a trilogy) and to provide any insight that might help as the judging panel whittled down the “huge number of entries” the competition had attracted.

My initial response can’t be printed but it’s safe to say I was in total shock. We exchanged a series of emails as I answered her questions and she finished by saying she would pass my manuscript on to her colleagues and see where it went.

Of course, I didn’t win the Ampersand Project competition. But that commissioning fiction editor is now following me on Twitter and I have her personal email address (which I hereby promise I will not abuse the having of). It kind of makes me want to squeal like a little girl. I certainly can’t say that (neither the having nor the squealing) about any other commissioning fiction editors. And it never would have happened if I hadn’t entered a competition I didn’t win.

*First published in Project December: A Book about Writing

Book Review: Joe Cinque’s Consolation by Helen Garner

Reading this book is a bit of a divergence for me as I’m an almost exclusive fiction reader but I saw it in the book store after coincidentally catching a Writers in the Rotunda program on TV (a Victoria University series of conversations with writers) where Helen Garner was talking about the five-year process of writing it.

In the end it turned out not to be such a big change because it is written in a novelistic tone. I think they call it creative non-fiction. It’s not simply a group of facts set out in a straightforward manner – the story being told prevents that.

Joe Cinque was killed in 1997. In 1999, Helen Garner was contacted by a journalist who thought she might be interested in writing about it. She wasn’t sure. After some preliminary research, she went to Canberra, where the trial was already underway. Two women, law students at the Australian National University, had been charged with murder. After an aborted shared trial, the two women – the girlfriend of the victim and her close friend – were now being tried separately.

The outcome of the case is not a secret – Joe Cinque’s girlfriend was convicted of manslaughter, spending less than five years in jail, and her friend was acquitted of all charges – so the book focuses on the bizarre details of how and why he died. The author weaves her own narrative into the story and actually makes it the story of her involvement with the trial, the families, the lawyers and judge, and her ultimate decision about the kind of book she was going to write.

This is the third book I’ve read this year where the main character is a journalist or writer (Amnesia by Peter Carey and Sisters of Mercy by Caroline Overington being the other two). While the other two books were fictional and the inclusion of the reporters was a choice, I don’t think Helen Garner had any other options. If she’d taken the path of a straight reporting of the facts, the book would have been completely unsatisfying.

Instead, the result is eminently readable despite the inevitable frustration it induces. Joe Cinque’s death was completely pointless, engineered and executed by a woman who may have been suffering from a psychological disorder or who may have just been the most self-involved person alive, maybe both. She told many people of her plans, then drugged him with Rohypnol and injected him with a fatal dose of heroin, watching him die slowly over many, many hours, getting cold feet at several points but only calling the ambulance at the end and spending over twenty minutes on the phone with the 000 operator before revealing the address.

But what is worse is that multiple people had the chance to save him and chose not to, even preventing him from being saved by others in some cases. Even more shockingly, the majority of these people were law students, studying to become professionals whose sole purpose is to uphold the law (or so we lay people think).

The whole book is a reminder that it is a legal system and not a justice system, and that the gap between the law and ethics is very wide.

Perhaps the greatest triumph is the author’s continual focus and ongoing references to Joe Cinque. So often books about true crimes focus on the perpetrators but the refusal of the two accused women to give interviews to the author allowed her to return time and time again to Joe. I’ve chosen not to name either woman here in a similar sort of tribute. They don’t deserve to be acknowledged or remembered.

Don’t read this book expecting a neat ending or an uplifted feeling. It is an account of the worst in life – people who trust and are betrayed, people who are selfish and stupid, people who are criminal, people who are let down by the system (which is all of us really), and the people who are left behind with the real life sentences. But it is also a terrific piece of writing. It was being made into a film in 2015 so I’ll be interested to see if the filmmakers can do it justice.

4 stars

*First published on Goodreads 16 November 2015

Adaptation

The ultimate question in adaptation is whether something that is successful in one medium can be as successful in another. And there is no way of ever knowing the answer without going through the process.

There is no formula. There is no reasoning. It all comes down to chance with a lot of skill on the side. And sometimes it can come down to chance with no skill on the side at all. There are numerous examples of great films adapted from great source material, terrible films adapted from great source material, great films adapted from terrible source material and terrible films adapted from terrible source material. Sometimes the novelists themselves are great at adapting their own books. Sometimes the adaptation needs the touch of someone who can step away from the book a little. So what is the key to a great adaptation?

Respecting the Source Material

At a Melbourne Writers’ Festival session I attended over a decade ago to hear Michael Connelly speak, he discussed his experience having his novel Blood Work adapted for the screen. Prior to its publication, in fact prior to the manuscript even being edited, Connolly received a telephone call from Clint Eastwood, who praised the work and told Connolly he wanted to adapt it into a screenplay. Connolly put aside his concern that Eastwood had managed to get his hands on a draft copy (apparently, poorly paid editorial assistants often copy and distribute texts amongst Hollywood producers prior to publication to supplement meagre incomes) and agreed to meet with Eastwood to discuss the proposition.

Both came away from the meeting happy, although Connolly politely declined Eastwood’s suggestion to change the ending of the book to suit filming budget constraints. Eastwood told him he would have to change the setting of the end of the movie but it didn’t faze Connolly too much. He understood that while it was easy for him to have all the characters jet off to Mexico in the book, it was much more difficult to physically accomplish whilst shooting the movie.

Eastwood also suggested that the stakes weren’t big enough at the end of the book and Connolly agreed with that assessment. Connolly rewrote a portion of the book and acknowledges that the final product owes something to Eastwood in this respect.

However, when the film eventually came out, not only had the filmmakers changed the ending as it occurs in the book, they had also changed the bad guy, making it barely recognisable as the book Connolly published.

However, Connolly was philosophical about the experience. As Donald Leslie said in responding to questions about what the film adaptations had done to his books, “What are you talking about? My books are all still there on the shelf, exactly the same as when I first wrote them.”

Disregarding the Source Material

Whilst respecting the source material is just a common courtesy from one writer to another, there is going to come a time when aspects of the source material just don’t work in the adaptation to another medium. This is particularly relevant to length in book to film adaptations. A page to page adaptation of a book into a film will often result in a seven hour film. Slightly outside the generally accepted length of time people are prepared to sit in a dark room and give you their undivided attention.

Adapting Others’ Source Material

One of the great benefits of adaptation to the writer is that you may choose to adapt anything you see fit. You don’t need anyone’s permission. Until you wish to actually do something with it, of course. But until then, it is a great way to practice form without having to struggle for ideas yourself.

Everybody has read a book and upon finishing it thought to themselves, “Boy, that would make a great film!” And vice versa, film companies often take advantage of the success of a film by having a writer turn it into a novel or prepare a tie-in. One of my personal favourites was The Blair Witch Project: A Dossier. The film was interesting as a piece of cinematography but the story behind it, expanded on in the tie-in book and “documentary”, was far more engrossing.

And, of course, the film Adaptation is a must see for any student of writing and a huge insight into the process of adaptation, remembering that it’s just as important to be able to recognise the texts that will prove an impossibility as it is to be able to recognise those that will prove an exquisite success.

Adapting Your Own Source Material

All writers experience the pain of knowing that a piece of their writing just isn’t working. I toiled for over a year on a novel about a teenage boy who is constantly overlooked by his family in favour of his older, golden child teenage sister even when she falls pregnant to a man she has no intention of marrying. I’d almost made the decision to abandon ever getting that story onto the page when in desperation I condensed it into its purist form: it became a poem. “My Sister” is the longest poem I have ever written at just over 1,100 words and even though I wasted an entire year trying to write it as a novel, the poem contains all the emotion of the story I was trying to convey and I consider it a great success.

There are so many written forms to take advantage of that it would be shame to lose a great idea because you’re stuck on a medium that may turn out to be the wrong one. So don’t be afraid to reconsider the form you’re attempting to mould your idea into. Instead, maybe it should be:

*Novel

*Novella

*Short film

*Feature film

*Telemovie

*Miniseries

*Short story

*Poem

*Song

*Play

*First published in Project December: A Book about Writing

How To Write A Book Review

In a couple of places now, I’ve seen authors asking for suggestions on how to get readers to leave reviews on Goodreads and Amazon and other book sales platforms. People seem happy to buy and read their books but often feel they don’t have the skills to write a book review that would be useful to either other potential readers or the author.

So next time one of your readers umms and ahhs about posting a review of your book, send them a link to this blog post. I’ve broken it down into a few areas that hopefully make it a lot less scary and hopefully resulting in a lot more reviews. (Of course, I can’t guarantee the reviews will be positive though – that’s entirely up to the quality of your book.)

Start Simple

Most rating platforms, including Goodreads and Amazon, use a five star system. And if you hover over the Goodreads stars it will tell you what they mean.

My personal interpretation of the star rating system means that one star and five stars are the least used ratings because a book has to be pretty bad for me to give it one star (hated the book, couldn’t find any redeeming qualities and wouldn’t recommend it to anyone) and a book has to be pretty good for me to give it five stars (loved the book, as close to perfect as is possible, happy to read it again and recommend it to everyone). If neither of these descriptions fits how you feel about the book you’ve just read, then the rating must lie somewhere in the middle.

I will often give a book a two star rating if, despite its failings, I thought it was a clever idea poorly executed or a ho hum idea executed well. Generally, if a book has significant problems but you still didn’t hate it enough to give it one star, then the two star rating is appropriate.

Three and four star ratings are reserved for books I enjoyed even if I felt they had problems. If the problems were minor (such as I felt the ending could have been better – and endings are hard to do well so I don’t mark down too much because of it – or there was just one thing that rankled), I give a four star rating. Four stars means I really liked it.

Three stars usually means I still enjoyed it but there were more issues – problems that were a little more major than minor but not major enough to be relegated to two stars.

Once you have your star rating decided, then it’s time to turn to writing a few paragraphs of text that explain why you’ve chosen that rating.

Keep It Short

Some people when faced with the prospect of writing a book review think it needs to be War and Peace-sized in order to be taken seriously. In fact, it’s generally the opposite. More people will read your review if you keep it short.

The book reviews on my blog are generally around the 800 word mark but I’m targeting writers who read and they often appreciate something a bit more in-depth. General readers want to be able to quickly decide whether or not to read a book. The average of the star ratings is the first hint and the second is a quick scan of a random sample of reviews. Anything longer than a couple of paragraphs (and sometimes anything longer than a couple of sentences) might be a longer investment than the potential reader is willing to make.

Be Honest

Oftentimes when you’re being asked to review a book, the request is coming directly from a family member, friend, colleague or acquaintance. The fact that you know them personally, even if you don’t know them well, makes you want to be a little kinder than you might about a book written by someone you don’t know at all.

But your only obligation is to be honest. “Kind” ratings and reviews that don’t accurately reflect how you felt about the book won’t do the author any favours. If your dishonest five star review attracts a hundred new readers to the book and they all felt the same about the book as you were too afraid to tell them, then the “kindness” of your original review will soon be lost in a haze of honest reviews from people with no links to the author and no problems telling the truth.

If a reader is anything like me then they will discount most five star reviews anyway because I feel they are handed out in far too willy-nilly a fashion these days. I’m connected with someone on Goodreads who gives every book she reads five stars. It’s impossible that every book she reads is perfect so her ratings have lost all credibility with me.

Credibility is the one thing you can offer the author who is asking you to write a review. Do them the courtesy of honouring that.

Give a Reason

There is nothing more frustrating than a book review that doesn’t tell the potential reader why they should read a book (or why not). Simply proclaiming it a “great read” and urging them to “give it a go” is asking them to trust you for no other reason than you’ve already read the book.

If I am reading a book from a genre I know I don’t usually enjoy, I will always include that in my review. For those who do enjoy that genre, it can be an important clue to the reasons for my feelings and they might choose to give it a go anyway, even if it wasn’t my favourite book.

Here’s an example of something that might accompany a three star review: “Lacks the urgency you might expect of a crime novel but it was well written, as all of this author’s books are. He’s very consistent but that consistency meant I wasn’t surprised by anything. There’s nothing especially wrong with this book but there’s nothing especially interesting about it either.”

Here’s an example of something that might accompany a four star review: “An intriguing idea and an unforgettable ending but it was a little too long and was slow in the middle. If you can get through to the final pages though, it will be worth it in the end.”

And here’s an example of something that might accompany a five star review: “This book was almost faultless and the message was important. Everyone should read this. In some ways I felt like a different person after I read it.”

All three of these short reviews are cut-down versions of longer reviews I’ve posted. But they essentially encompass the same messages. And if you like crime that’s well written, then you might choose to give the three star rated book a go. But if you know you’ll struggle with a long book that’s slow in the middle, you might choose to skip the second one, despite its four star rating. Just a couple of short sentences gives the potential reader the extra information they might need.

What’s It About?

If the plot is relatively straightforward and the description written by the author or publisher on the book’s webpage covers what is going on, then you don’t need to recap it. But often authors and publishers will write a description to hook potential readers that is a bit thin on detail. And sometimes the description is completely misleading. I’ve seen it plenty with Goodreads reviews where the reviewer complains, “I only read this because I thought it was a crime/romance/mystery novel but it wasn’t.” Or, “The plot of this book bears no resemblance to the way it was described in the blurb.” Where this is the case and you want to give potential readers a bit more clarity, a few short sentences explaining what the book is about can also be a welcome heads up.

But beware! Don’t reveal too much. If a potential reader comes across a spoiler (something that is best left unrevealed for the reader to discover on their own when they read the book) in your review, they might then choose not to read it all.

Finish on a High

For three, four and five star rated books and especially if the intention of your review is to encourage others to read what you’ve just read, finish your review on a high. If you can’t wait for the author’s next book, say so. If you’re now inclined to read the author’s back catalogue, say so. If you think the book would be enjoyed by people who enjoyed another high profile book, say so.

Obviously, it’s a little more difficult to finish on a high if you’ve rated a book one or two stars. But there are plenty of platitudes that can help such as “I wish I’d enjoyed this book more” or “Shame it didn’t live up to its potential”, which are a lot better than just saying, “Wish I’d never read it” or “Hated it with a passion.”

Then Post It and You’re Done

And you’ve earned the gratitude of the author and potentially a favour that can be called on when you publish your own book or need someone to babysit when you’re sick or mow the grass when you break your leg. It’s all about good karma. Good reading, good writing and good karma.

*First published in Project December: A Book about Writing

Book Review: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon is probably the most original and creative novel I have ever read. It is told in the first person by fifteen-year-old Christopher Boone, who has Asperger’s (or if you keep up with medical bureaucracy, which says this condition no longer exists, he is on the autism spectrum).

The opening chapter finds Christopher in his neighbour’s front yard in the middle of the night discovering the body of a dead dog. Not just a dead dog. A murdered dog. A dog with a large garden fork sticking out of it. Christopher is sad – or as he describes it – sad face (actual picture of a sad face). He yanks out the garden fork and is hugging the bleeding corpse when the dog’s owner comes out demanding to know what he has done to the dog.

But he didn’t kill it, which he tells her, and we know he’s telling the truth because he can’t lie, according to him. He decides he will find out who killed the dog so that the perpetrator can be punished.

And so begins a book completely lacking in emotion but entirely logical – in Christopher’s mind, anyway – as he begins his detecting. About half the book has absolutely nothing to do with anything as Christopher goes off on scientific and mathematical tangents, which help him stay calm in a chaotic world. About one quarter of the book focuses on his murder investigation and the other quarter of the book follows him as his world unravels around him when he finds out who the murderer is.

The chapters aren’t numbered the way you might expect. Christopher uses prime numbers only so it starts with 2, then 3, then 5, then 7, then 11, and so on. It only took me a moment when I began reading the book to realise this and he addresses this choice later on saying he likes prime numbers and they are so logical. It clearly makes sense to him. I find cardinal numbers – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, etc – to be perfectly logical but at least I can understand. Christopher cannot.

Assuming this is an accurate portrayal of how someone with Asperger’s sees and relates to the world, it provides an astonishing insight. The book itself is covered with recommendations from Ian McEwan, Oliver Sachs, the Sunday Telegraph, the Guardian, the Independent, The Times, the New York Times and more. They use words like ‘outstanding’, ‘stunning’, ‘superb’, ‘remarkable’, ‘impressive’, ‘exceptional’ and ‘brilliant’. There’s only one missing that I think should have been included as well: ‘disturbing’.

This is supposedly a children’s book and won several children’s book awards but it’s also a novel that parents should read before letting their children read it because it contains all of the following swear words: shit, fuck, shitting fuck, cunt. The main character also thinks a lot about stabbing people with the Swiss Army Knife he always has with him and tells the reader that his best dream is the one where everybody on earth who isn’t on the autism spectrum has died and he can go anywhere he wants without hardly running into anyone else.

I think perhaps the greatest achievement of this book is about two-thirds of the way through when Christopher decides to run away to London. But he doesn’t cope well in places with a lot of people and he descends into a version of autistic madness. He gets stuck in a tube station and doesn’t leave for about five hours and the way Mark Haddon has written this section made my brain hurt. But I think that’s the intention – to give the reader a short but intense idea of exactly how the brain of a person on the autism spectrum hurts when taken out of their comfort zone. For the reader, we can simply look away from the page or put the book down and take a break. But if you’re on the autism spectrum, the things that upset you can’t be so easily avoided. It’s hard work. Sometimes the only option is to shut your brain down and start again – Christopher does this by groaning, rocking backwards and forwards, and hoping when he stops everything will be okay again.

The more I got to know Christopher as I followed him through his adventure, the more I began to think of Asperger’s and autism spectrum disorders as a clinical form of extreme selfishness. Sufferers cannot understand and don’t particularly care about the feelings of others and simply do whatever it is they want, even when that is hurtful and destructive to the people around them. But what the novel also served up as a counterpoint was how often this description could be applied to people not on the autism spectrum. Christopher’s mother, father, neighbours, teachers, the police, strangers he meets in the street, they were all primarily concerned with what made their own lives easier. And while they understood the feelings of others, they often didn’t care about them. Which is really worse than not understanding and thus not being able to care.

For those who read a lot of my book reviews, this might seem to be a common theme, but I’ve withheld the fifth star for this book as well. Come on, it takes something mind-blowing to be considered a ‘perfect’ novel. And it just fell short. It has a quite traditional happy ending, in an autism spectrum kind of way. And even though it is told in a unique way, through the eyes of a boy with Asperger’s, it doesn’t tell a story that is all that different from many others out there.

But it is important, it is clever, it is original, it is intriguing and it is touching. It deserves to be read and discussed. It’s closer to a 5 than it is to a 4 but that’s the illogical Goodreads system we are given to rate with. No doubt someone on the autism spectrum could come up with something better. In the meantime, we’ll just have to cope with it – or else groan, rock backwards and forwards and hope when we stop everything will be okay.

4 stars

*First published on Goodreads 31 October 2015

Screen Scene: The Meaning of Life

Okay, this isn’t actually just a scene, it’s an entire screenplay for a short film. I wrote this more than ten years ago when I was having a sort of existential crisis about my non-writing career and the meaningless jobs I was working.

It’s long so I forgive anyone who chooses not to read it but I still think it’s one of the best things I’ve written.

 

THE MEANING OF LIFE: A SHORT FILM

CAST LIST

Chloe

Speed Dating Coordinator

Speed Dater #1

Speed Dater #2

Speed Dater #3

Speed Dater #4

Speed Dater #5

Speed Dater #6

Speed Dater #7

Speed Dater #8

Mr French

Mr McPherson

Ms Gray

Mrs Hogan

Businessman #1

Businessman #2

Mr Parker

Mr Humphreys

Ms Gooding

National Interviewer

Small Business Interviewer

Job Agency Interviewer

Doctor

Film Distributor

Software Company Interviewer

Film Producer

Medical Publisher

Dating Agency Interviewer

Immigration Agency Interviewer

City Council Interviewer

Flatmate

Think Tank Interviewer

SET LIST

INTERIORS

Restaurant

McPherson & French Solicitors

Reception

Photocopier room

Mr McPherson’s office

Chloe’s flat

Chloe’s bedroom

Lounge room

Interview Room #1

Interview Room #2

Interview Room #3

Interview Room #4

Interview Room #5

Interview Room #6

Interview Room #7

Interview Room #8

Interview Room #9

Interview Room #10

Office #1

Office #2

Office #3

Doctor’s Office

1. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

A row of tables is lined up against a wall and a row of women are seated at them. One of them is CHLOE. She is your average woman. They are all in the middle of a speed dating evening, a mixture of fun and pure terror.

The restaurant has a warm feel to it, like an intimate Italian restaurant. A martini glass sits in front of Chloe and she drinks from it periodically.

SPEED DATING COORDINATOR

Time!

Chloe smiles at the man sitting opposite her as if she’s sorry they didn’t have more time together. She shakes the hand he offers her and then he moves on to the next table. Chloe turns her attention to the man now seating himself opposite her.

SPEED DATER #1

Hi. I’m John.

CHLOE

Chloe.

There’s an awkward pause.

SPEED DATER #1

So…what do you do?

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Receptionist.

CHLOE

I’m a receptionist.

SPEED DATER #1

So you answer phones all day long?

Chloe thinks about this description.

2. INT. MCPHERSON & FRENCH SOLICITORS – RECEPTION – DAY

Chloe sits at the front reception desk of McPherson & French Solicitors, wearing a headset and answering various incoming calls.

CHLOE

Good morning, McPherson and French, how may I direct your call? (Beat) One moment, please. (Beat) Mr French, your wife is on line one. (Beat) Thank you, sir. (Beat) Good morning, McPherson and French, how may I direct your call? (Beat) One moment, please. (Beat) Mrs Pappas, Simon Carter is on line seven. He has a query about his bill.

MR MCPHERSON, one of the bosses, approaches the reception desk. Chloe sits up straighter at seeing him.

CHLOE

Good morning, Mr McPherson.

MR MCPHERSON

Chloe, type this letter and have it couriered to Judge O’Farrell.

CHLOE

Yes, sir.

She takes the piece of paper and tries to decipher the illegible scribble.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Secretary.

3. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SPEED DATER #2 is now seated opposite Chloe.

CHLOE

I’m more of a secretary.

SPEED DATER #2

So you type letters all day long?

Chloe ponders this.

4. INT. MCPHERSON & FRENCH SOLICITORS – RECEPTION – DAY

Chloe squints at the illegible handwriting and sounds out possible words.

CHLOE

Helium? Headgear? Healthy.

She decides the word is supposed to be ‘healthy’ and types it.

MS GRAY approaches the reception desk.

CHLOE

Good morning, Ms Gray.

MS GRAY

Chloe, I need one hundred copies of this by eleven.

CHLOE

Yes, ma’am.

Chloe takes the document and tries to decide whether the typing or the photocopying is more important.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Administrative Assistant.

5. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SPEED DATER #3 is now seated across from Chloe.

CHLOE

I guess you could call me an administrative assistant.

SPEED DATER #3

Filing, phones, photocopying, that sort of thing?

Chloe considers it.

6. INT. MCPHERSON & FRENCH SOLICITORS – RECEPTION – DAY

Chloe stands at the reception desk with the letter she is supposed to be typing in one hand and the photocopying in the other. A short, balding man, MR FRENCH, approaches the front desk.

CHLOE

Good morning, Mr French.

MR FRENCH

Chloe, could you run out and pick up my dry cleaning?

He hands over a ticket stub.

CHLOE

Of course, sir.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Personal Assistant.

7. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SPEED DATER #4 sits across from Chloe, although this one is a little leery.

CHLOE

You could even call me a personal assistant.

SPEED DATER #4

How personal?

Chloe doesn’t even bother considering that one.

8. INT. MCPHERSON & FRENCH SOLICITORS – RECEPTION – DAY

Chloe enters reception through the front doors with a load of dry cleaning slung over one shoulder. She hangs it on a hook behind the front desk somewhere out of sight.

MRS HOGAN approaches the front desk.

CHLOE

Good morning, Mrs Hogan.

MRS HOGAN

Chloe, can you book caterers for Thursday? Finger food and champagne.

Chloe looks excited but tries to hide it, thinking Mrs Hogan has remembered her birthday.

MRS HOGAN

We have some big new clients coming in.

Chloe is instantly downbeat.

CHLOE

Yes, ma’am. (Beat) Would you like me to order any dessert? A cake maybe?

MRS HOGAN

Why on earth would we need a cake?

BUSINESSMAN #1 and BUSINESSMAN #2 enter the office carrying briefcases, distracting Mrs Hogan’s attention. She moves off to greet the newcomers.

Chloe watches on with a forced smile, then looks over at a wall calendar on which Thursday is circled and surrounded by hand drawn pictures of balloons and streamers. ‘My Birthday!’ is written in the box for Thursday.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Document Manager.

9. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SPEED DATER #5 sits opposite Chloe.

CHLOE

Unofficially, I’m a document manager.

SPEED DATER #5

That sounds like a fancy way to describe someone who stands in front of a photocopier.

10. INT. MCPHERSON & FRENCH SOLICITORS – PHOTOCOPIER ROOM – DAY

Chloe stands comatosely in front of the photocopier, watching as the machine spits out copy after copy of the document she was asked to copy earlier. Suddenly, it stops and blinks a red warning light at her.

She opens the machine and tries to fix the problem. She pulls out a piece of crumpled paper. She closes the machine. It continues to blink the red light at her. She opens the machine again. She crouches down, peering into the gears and levers.

She puts her hands into the machine and fiddles around, unsuccessfully trying to fix whatever is wrong.

She stands up, now with black copy toner covering her hands. She sighs. She picks up a phone nearby and dials a number.

CHLOE

I need a technician to come out.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Office Manager.

11. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SPEED DATER #6 is seated opposite Chloe.

CHLOE

To cover everything I do, you’d really have to call me the office manager.

SPEED DATER #6

Do they call you the office manager?

Chloe considers this with a hint of frustration.

12. INT. MCPHERSON & FRENCH SOLICITORS – MR MCPHERSON’S OFFICE – DAY

Mr McPherson is seated in a luxurious leather chair behind a large, opulent work desk. Chloe sits opposite him, looking rather small, like a student called before the principal.

MR MCPHERSON

Technically, for us to call you the office manager, you’d have to process the payroll.

Chloe looks as though she is about to say, ‘I can do that, no problem,’ but Mr McPherson continues without letting her speak.

MR MCPHERSON

However, Katie already carries out that duty as part of her role and we are very happy with her performance. It reflects very highly on you that you’re willing to take on extra responsibilities. But if you are finding that you don’t have enough to do, you really should have brought it to our attention before now.

Chloe tries really hard to smile, but it is terribly strained.

CHLOE

Mr McPherson, I don’t want to bother you with my petty problems. But to be honest, I don’t know where I would find the time between deciphering your handwriting, picking up Mr French’s dry cleaning, organising the little booze sessions that you like to pretend are business meetings, washing toner out of my clothes, pretending not to care when my birthday is the only one in the office that gets forgotten, and shaking off my disbelief when I open my pay cheque every week and realise how overworked and underpaid I am. (Beat) I think under the circumstances you should consider this my resignation.

Chloe stands and looks at a shocked Mr McPherson, then determinedly leaves the room.

13. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SPEED DATER #7 sits opposite Chloe.

CHLOE

I’m between jobs at the moment.

14. INT. MCPHERSON & FRENCH SOLICITORS – MR MCPHERSON’S OFFICE – DAY

Chloe pokes her head back into Mr McPherson’s office.

CHLOE

Do you think I could get a reference?

She asks it hopefully, now regretting her outburst, although only a little. The look on Mr McPherson’s face isn’t promising.

15. INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

SPEED DATER #8 sits opposite Chloe. She’s more than a little drunk by this stage. She downs the last of the contents of her martini glass and puts it down on the table with a heavy thud.

SPEED DATER #8

So what do you do?

CHLOE

Buy me a drink and I’ll do anything you want me to.

SPEED DATER #8

I think the drinks are free.

CHLOE

Perfect.

She looks around as if in search of a drinks waiter.

16. INT. CHLOE’S FLAT – CHLOE’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Chloe wakes in her bed face down, her hair over her face. She lifts her head as if the previous comment is the last one she remembers making, then checks to see if she is alone in the bed. She drops her head, half in relief and half in disappointment.

17. INT. CHLOE’S FLAT – CHLOE’S BEDROOM – LATER

Chloe is sitting up in bed with a broadsheet newspaper open in front of her. She leans over it, intermittently circling job ads with a red pen.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Multinational.

18. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #1 – DAY

Chloe stands in a huge boardroom. There is a very large table. She is patiently waiting. She checks her hair. She smooths her suit.

The door to the room opens and MR PARKER, MR HUMPHREYS and MS GOODING walk in. They close the door behind themselves. Chloe stands up very straight.

MR PARKER

Good morning, Chloe. I’m Mr Parker.

MR HUMPHREYS

I’m Mr Humphreys.

MS GOODING

I’m Ms Gooding.

CHLOE

Good morning. How are you all?

Chloe shakes all their hands.

MR HUMPHREYS

Why don’t you sit here?

Chloe sits where he indicates at one end of the very long table, then watches as they all seat themselves at the other end. It seems strange.

MR PARKER

Let’s get started, shall we?

Chloe nods. He opens a file in front of him.

MR PARKER

Your application was very impressive.

MR HUMPREYS

You’ve had a lot of the right type of experience.

MS GOODING

Let me ask you this: why do you like administrative work?

CHLOE

It’s not so much that I like it, it’s that I’m good at it.

MR PARKER

You don’t like administrative work?

CHLOE

I don’t have to like the work, do I? I just have to do it well. Right? I don’t have to have a passion for it. (Beat) Right?

All three of them are deadpan as they regard Chloe, then each other.

MR PARKER

We’ll let you know.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The National

19. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #2 – DAY

Chloe sits opposite the NATIONAL INTERVIEWER.

CHLOE

Oh, I love administration work. There’s nothing quite like that feeling of bringing order to chaos. I have a real passion for it. I can honestly see myself doing administration work for the rest of my life.

Chloe says it trying to make it a positive, but as the words come out of her mouth, she realises how much she hates the idea of this and it shows on her face.

NATIONAL INTERVIEWER

We’ll let you know.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Small Business

20. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #3 – DAY

Chloe and the SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER are laughing over something that’s just been said.

SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER

Chloe, I think you are exactly what I’m looking for.

CHLOE

What a coincidence. I think I’m exactly what you’re looking for, too.

SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER

Another small coincidence. I think I know your father. I worked with a Jack Flynn at the bank before I started this business.

CHLOE

Yes, that’s my father.

SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER

I remember some of the stories he used to tell about you.

CHLOE

You do?

SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER

Oh, sure. Naked in the paddling pool. Your first day of school.

CHLOE

What about my first day of school?

SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER

You wet your pants if I remember correctly.

Chloe is horrified.

SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER

The first boy you kissed. Now that was a cracker of a story. Your father thought it was hilarious. Especially when you came to him and confessed how worried you were about getting pregnant.

Chloe stands up suddenly.

CHLOE

Well, it was nice meeting with you. I’m sure I’ll see you around…sometime.

Chloe hurries towards the door.

SMALL BUSINESS INTERVIEWER

What about the job?

CHLOE

I’ll let you know.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Job Agency

21. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #4 – DAY

The JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER enters the room. Chloe shakes her hand.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

Thanks so much for coming in, Chloe. That’s a beautiful name.

CHLOE

Thank you.

Chloe moves to sit down at the table as the Job Agency Interviewer speaks.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

Now we don’t feel that you’re quite what we’re looking for.

Chloe pauses in the middle of the task of seating herself.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

But we think you have a lot of potential for a number of other positions we have on our books.

CHLOE

That sounds great.

Chloe finishes seating herself with some relief.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

Have you ever thought about moving into child care?

CHLOE

I’m sorry?

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

Child care.

CHLOE

No.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

We have a number of child care positions available.

CHLOE

I don’t have any child care experience.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

What about hairdressing?

CHLOE

I’m not a hairdresser. (Beat) I’m really looking for administrative work.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

We do have some temp work available.

CHLOE

I’m really looking for a full-time position.

The Job Agency Interviewer regards her for a moment while thinking.

JOB AGENCY INTERVIEWER

What about retail?

Chloe deadpans.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Doctor’s Office

22. INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE – DAY

Chloe sits opposite a DOCTOR in his consulting rooms. The doctor looks harried.

DOCTOR

You’ve never worked in a doctor’s office before?

CHLOE

No, but I feel that I’m ready for the challenge.

DOCTOR

We deal with a lot of sick people.

CHLOE

I’m sure I won’t have any problems.

The doctor nods.

DOCTOR

Are you pregnant?

CHLOE

I’m sorry?

DOCTOR

Professional curiosity.

Chloe sits up a little straighter as if perhaps she was slouching in a way that made her look pregnant.

CHLOE

Oh. (Beat) No, I’m not pregnant.

DOCTOR

Any plans to be?

This gives her pause.

CHLOE

I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to ask me that.

The doctor looks at her, not caring about discrimination laws.

DOCTOR

Look, I’ve had three admin people in the past year. Every time I hire someone, they get pregnant and leave. I’m just trying to play the odds.

Chloe gives this some thought and then gives him a look as if the answer to his problem should be obvious.

CHLOE

Why don’t you just hire a man?

The doctor realises what a good idea this is. Chloe realises she has just talked herself out of a job.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Film Distributor

23. INT. OFFICE #1 – DAY

Chloe sits opposite the FILM DISTRIBUTOR. The room is full of monitors and video equipment.

FILM DISTRIBUTOR

Are you interested in film?

CHLOE

I like watching them.

FILM DISTRIBUTOR

Have you ever seen any of our films?

She doesn’t even know what any of their films might be, but she suspects they’re not mainstream films.

CHLOE

I don’t think so.

FILM DISTRIBUTOR

Well, you’re not really our demographic.

He smiles like he’s in on a joke that Chloe isn’t privy to. Chloe senses something isn’t right.

On the back of the door, directly behind where Chloe is sitting, is a poster of a very busty woman and the title of an x-rated film, which Chloe obviously hasn’t seen. It’s the only thing in the room which gives away exactly what sort of films they make.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Software Company

24. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #5 – DAY

Chloe sits opposite the SOFTWARE COMPANY INTERVIEWER.

SOFTWARE COMPANY INTERVIEWER

Well, this is going well. I feel like there’s a connection between us.

CHLOE

Okay.

SOFTWARE COMPANY INTERVIEWER

Chloe…

CHLOE

Yes, Mr Davenport?

SOFTWARE COMPANY INTERVIEWER

You can call me Fabian.

Chloe just doesn’t have the words.

SOFTWARE COMPANY INTERVIEWER

Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

CHLOE

To discuss the job?

SOFTWARE COMPANY INTERVIEWER

Whatever you prefer. (Beat) But I’d rather talk about other things.

It’s clear from the way he says it that he’s coming onto her.

CHLOE

Um, I don’t date people I work with.

SOFTWARE COMPANY INTERVIEWER

So don’t take the job.

CHLOE

I want the job.

The implication being that she doesn’t want to date him. He gets the message pretty quickly and is instantly inclined not to give her the job. Chloe knows she is between the proverbial rock and the hard place and it shows on her face.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Film Producer

25. INT. OFFICE #2 – DAY

Chloe sits opposite a very self-important man, the FILM PRODUCER. The walls of his office are plastered with mainstream film posters. Chloe looks around at them.

FILM PRODUCER

Impressive, huh?

CHLOE

Very.

Despite the agreement, she doesn’t seem that impressed.

FILM PRODUCER

Have you seen any of these films?

CHLOE

I’ve seen all of them.

FILM PRODUCER

I’ve produced all of them.

CHLOE

Really?

Chloe doubts the truth of this claim. He nods his head.

CHLOE

Really?

She offers him one more chance to take it back.

FILM PRODUCER

Every single one of them. (Beat) My name might not be on the credits, but—

Chloe interrupts him.

CHLOE

Okay. (Beat) Well, it was great to meet you.

She stands and prepares to leave.

FILM PRODUCER

Where are you going?

Chloe gives him a look that says it should be clear to him that she knows he is lying.

CHLOE

I don’t think this is going to work out.

FILM PRODUCER

Why not?

Chloe considers how to answer this, then the perfect answer pops into her head.

CHLOE

I think I’m going to take up hairdressing.

FILM PRODUCER

Oh.

He nods his head like he gets it, but he doesn’t. Chloe is starting to get a permanent look of frustration on her face. She leaves.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Medical Publisher

26. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #6 – DAY

Chloe sits opposite the MEDICAL PUBLISHER. They are surrounded by brochures.

MEDICAL PUBLISHER

Well, as you know, we produce health awareness brochures. So if you got the position, you’d be dealing with a lot of writers and editors and photographers. They can be quite…um, difficult at times.

CHLOE

I think I can confidently say that I can deal with just about anybody.

Someone knocks on the door. The medical publisher looks up to see someone indicating she has a phone call.

MEDICAL PUBLISHER

Would you excuse me for a moment?

CHLOE

Of course.

MEDICAL PUBLISHER

Why don’t you go through some of the brochures and familiarise yourself with the work we do?

CHLOE

Okay.

The medical publisher leaves the room and Chloe picks up a glossy brochure and opens it. The look on her face is pure horror. Across the front of the brochure are the words ‘The Effects of Herpes’ and a little lower, ‘Full Colour Pictures’.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Public Relations Firm

27. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #7 – DAY

Chloe sits at a table, waiting to be joined by her interviewer. The door opens and in walks Speed Dater #8, whom Chloe last met at the restaurant during the speed dating evening after having rather a lot to drink. Speed Dater #8 recognises her immediately, but Chloe has only a vague memory of him, one that didn’t really leave an impression.

SPEED DATER #8

Chloe?

CHLOE

Yes?

SPEED DATER #8

Chloe, it’s me, Brian.

Chloe hasn’t got a clue who he is.

SPEED DATER #8

We met at speed dating a few weeks ago.

CHLOE

Oh, God.

SPEED DATER #8

You were a little under the weather.

CHLOE

Oh, God.

SPEED DATER #8

Okay, you were drunk.

CHLOE

Oh, God.

SPEED DATER #8

Is this going to be awkward for you?

CHLOE

No more than any of the other job interviews I’ve been to. (Beat) But why don’t we just call it fate and I’ll get out of your hair?

Speed dater #8 seems disappointed.

SPEED DATER #8

If that’s what you prefer.

CHLOE

I think it’s for the best. Believe me.

Chloe gathers her bag and coat and heads for the door.

SPEED DATER #8

Chloe? Can I call you some time?

She pauses for a moment to think about the request.

CHLOE

Sure. (Beat) As long as it’s not about a job.

SPEED DATER #8

It’s not going to be about a job.

CHLOE

Good.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Immigration Agency

28. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #8 – DAY

Chloe sits across the desk from the IMMIGRATION AGENCY INTERVIEWER. He says a few incoherent words and waits expectantly for Chloe to respond. She, however, cannot understand a single word he says.

CHLOE

I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that.

The Immigration Agency Interviewer says some more incoherent words. Chloe decides on brutal honesty.

CHLOE

I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

The interviewer launches into a rather long spiel, and still Chloe doesn’t understand a word. She listens intently, trying desperately to understand. Eventually, he stops and waits for Chloe’s response.

Her mouth opens. Her mouth closes. She tries to think of what to say. In the end, she simply smiles and nods her head. The interviewer seems pleased.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Dating Agency

29. INT. OFFICE #3 – DAY

Chloe sits opposite the DATING AGENCY INTERVIEWER, who is crying great sobbing tears with her head down on the table. Chloe looks around, unsure of what to do and incredibly uncomfortable. Eventually, she speaks.

CHLOE

Are you alright?

The Dating Agency Interviewer lifts her head.

DATING AGENCY INTERVIEWER

My…my…boyfriend…he…why?

She just keeps on crying and then puts her head back down on the table. Chloe’s frustration with the process of looking for a new job is starting to become unbearable.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The City Council

30. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #9 – DAY

Chloe sits at a table, with her head resting on it, with the CITY COUNCIL INTERVIEWER. Chloe is crying, big heaving sobs like her previous interviewer. She raises her head and launches into a long incomprehensible spiel.

CITY COUNCIL INTERVIEWER

I can’t understand a word you’re saying.

Chloe just keeps crying and puts her head back down on the table. The city council interviewer looks uncomfortably around the room.

31. INT. CHLOE’S FLAT – CHLOE’S BEDROOM – MORNING

Chloe is in bed, her eyes closed. The alarm clock goes off. Her eyes open and almost robotically, like she’s in a trance, she gets out of bed. She pulls on a shirt and skirt and slips on some shoes without really caring what she looks like. She picks up a bag and a folder on her way out the door. She doesn’t bother to turn off the alarm.

32. INT. CHLOE’S FLAT – LOUNGE ROOM – MORNING

Chloe walks past her FLATMATE, who is seated on the lounge reading a magazine.

FLATMATE

Where are you going?

CHLOE

Job interview.

She couldn’t care less anymore.

BLACK SCREEN/WHITE WRITING READS: The Think Tank

33. INT. INTERVIEW ROOM #10 – DAY

Chloe sits opposite the THINK TANK INTERVIEWER, who is looking through her references and qualifications.

THINK TANK INTERVIEWER

This all looks in order. (Beat) Of course, I’ll have to check your references.

CHLOE

Of course.

Her tone is flat and her level gaze, directed at the buttons on his shirt, does not move.

THINK TANK INTERVIEWER

I just have one final question.

Chloe knew it. She knew she couldn’t get through this interview without something ruining it.

THINK TANK INTERVIEWER

Why do you want this job?

Chloe raises her eyes to his. It’s not as devastating as it possibly could have been. She thinks about all the ways she could answer this question and decides to go with the truth. The plain, old, boring, might-mean-she-doesn’t-get-the-job truth.

CHLOE

I need a job. Any job. I’m sure you’d much rather hear about how great I think the job is or how much I’d like to date you or how well I think you speak English, but the truth is I just need a job. I need a pay cheque. I need an employer who doesn’t remember me swimming naked in a paddling pool when I was two. I need an employer who doesn’t want to turn me into a hairdresser or a nanny. I need an employer who doesn’t care that I think this is just a job. I just need a job. I’m not looking for the meaning of life.

Their eyes meet and hold for a moment, then they both look over at the wall. On it is a sign with the name of the think tank, ‘The Meaning of Life’ and underneath in smaller writing are the words ‘A Private Think Tank’.

Chloe lets out a breath at realising what she has just said, that rather than the potential employer ruining everything, this time it is her fault. Her eyes drop to the floor, then return to look at the top of the table.

THINK TANK INTERVIEWER

That’s too bad. (Beat) Can you start Monday?

Chloe looks up in surprise. The Think Tank Interviewer smiles. Chloe smiles back at him in disbelief and a perverse sense of relief.

THE END

The Writer’s Commandments

Remember when you were a kid? A large part of the learning process was accomplished by doing. And then being screamed at by an adult to never do it again. Like putting your hand under the running hot tap. Like running out onto a road to collect a ball without checking for oncoming cars. Like riding a mini motorbike into a barbed wire fence (okay, so maybe this one was only me).

It would have been so much easier if someone had told me before I did any or all of these things not to do them instead of waiting until after I’d done them and then shouting at me. Maybe it wouldn’t have made any difference. But we’ll never know because nobody thought to try the learning process in a different order.

Even for older children these days, a common refrain is, “But nobody told me not to do it.” So here’s a few commandments for writers out there. You probably shouldn’t have to be and don’t need to be told these things. But just in case, here they are so that you can never say, “But nobody told me not to do it.”

1. Thou shalt not plagiarise.

This is the worst possible sin of any writer. Not to be a bad writer because we’re all bad writers at some point. But to steal the writing of another writer and claim it as your own. Writers are the only ones who know how hard other writers work and so it should go without saying that we don’t steal other writers’ writing. But here I am saying it, just in case.

If you want to use the writing of another writer, then ask. Or at the very least use a pair of quotation marks and credit the writer who wrote it. Because I can’t think of a single good thing that ever came from plagiarising another writer’s work.

2. Thou shalt not embrace clichés, stereotypes and plot twists that make no sense.

Which would you rather have someone say about your writing? “It reminded me a lot of these other books I’ve read.” Or: “I’ve never read anything like it before.”

If you spend the majority of a book convincing the reader that the main character is too afraid to stand up to the villain, only to have them suddenly do it, then it makes no sense. In fact, it will seem like the only reason the main character stood up to the villain is because you wanted to finish writing the book.

Writing is like ballet in that respect. Readers want to see the movement, not the effort behind the movement. If they can see the effort behind the movement, if they can see plots straining under the weight of clichés and stereotypes and twists that there are no justification for, then it won’t be a satisfying reading experience.

On the other hand, if they can see the lack of effort behind the movement, the laziness of poor writing and one-dimensional characters, then that won’t be a satisfying reading experience either.

All they should see is movement. Cohesive, logical, original, surprising, and worthy of both you and them.

3. Thou shalt not write only what you know.

Writing what you know is a great way to get started. But it’s limiting. Writing should expand the mind, not trap it between an ever shrinking set of walls. And that includes yours as well as your readers. If you don’t know much, go out and get some life experience. Travel blogs are popular for a very good reason; because writers want to broaden their horizons and readers want to go along for the ride.

So while you can write about the suburban life, the wife, husband and 2.4 kids, it shouldn’t be all you write about. Write about flying helicopters and becoming a spy and travelling to the moon. And you don’t need to do any of these things before writing about them. You just need to be prepared to do a bit of research and let your imagination have free rein.

4. Thou shalt not write tomorrow what can be written today.

Writing is great because it can usually fit in around everything else you have to do in your life. But every time you find yourself with a gap in your schedule, potential writing time, and choose not to write is another day, week, month or year that you will remain undiscovered and unread.

Time is the most precious tool in a writer’s toolbox and taking advantage of it can be the difference between a book that is published next year and a book that is published next decade.

5. Thou shalt not claim to be too busy writing to read.

Reading is one of the best ways to learn how to write. By seeing how others are doing it. By seeing what others are doing. By seeing what they’re doing wrong and what they’re doing right. And then by removing the wrong from and applying the right to your own work.

If you don’t read the writing of others, how can you have any right to expect others to read yours? And if you don’t read, how can you know that the book you’re slaving over isn’t almost identical to something someone else has already written?

6. Thou shalt not submit first drafts to publishers.

Submitting first drafts to publishers is a sure fire way of getting your manuscript sent straight to the recycling bin, whether that’s the electronic version on a computer’s desktop or the physical variety next to the office desk. And if you really piss them off, it could even be a black mark against your name every time you submit something in the future. It’s one thing not to be remembered, but it’s another entirely to be remembered and rejected out of hand.

Anything worth submitting to a publisher, someone who reads and assesses books for a living, is worth being in at least its second or third iteration, but more likely in its fourth or fifth. Save yourself and the publisher the effort and the embarrassment.

7. Thou shalt not claim to know it all.

Nobody ever knows everything about writing. There is no longer journey than the writing journey. Not even life. And usually when you think you might be nearing a point where you might be close to knowing it all, that’s when you die. Thus ensuring the writing journey is longer even than the living journey.

And because you can’t know it all, when you work with an editor, you must give careful and impartial consideration to everything they say. They won’t know it all either but together you will know more than either of you can individually.

8. Thou shalt not have expectations.

Yes, it would be nice if a publisher read your book, declared it the best thing they’d ever read and offered you a ten year contract for a book a year with guaranteed first print runs of a million copies. But that happens to so few writers I’m not sure I could even use all the fingers on my hands to count them.

Writing is something writers do because they don’t know how not to write. If you got into writing to become famous or to make a quick buck, then boy are you in the wrong industry.

Write if you will. Write if you must. But have no expectation other than this: no matter how hard you work, it might still never happen.

9. Thou shalt not be humble.

Blow your own trumpet because you can guarantee nobody else will. They’re all too busy blowing their own. Writing is one of those rare talents that cannot simply be demonstrated. Somebody must be willing to believe you are talented before they ever read a word of what you have written.

Singers and musicians can busk. Actors and directors can make a short film and upload it to Youtube. Everybody seems willing to listen and watch for a few minutes without feeling like they’ve wasted their time, even when the have. (A guy eating wasabi? Seriously?) But apparently asking someone to read something is a real imposition.

So be confident. Campaign for your writing. Because unless they’re getting paid, no one else will.

10. Thou shalt not believe the hype.

Just because a thousand screaming girls tell you you’re wonderful does not make it true. Okay, I’m mostly talking to Justin Bieber here but there’s a cautionary tale in there for writers, too. Some people have a penchant for taking fandom way too far. If you’re lucky enough to have fans, people who genuinely, honestly believe you’re the best writer who ever lived, please remember that while it’s flattering, in all likelihood it’s also not true.

As the old, crude but very accurate saying goes, everybody’s shit stinks.

*First published in Project December: A Book about Writing

Book Review: Burial Rites by Hannah Kent

This is the third book in almost as many weeks that I’ve read where the most interesting part of the story has already occurred and the reader is being told about it in retrospect (the other two being Amnesia by Peter Carey and Sisters of Mercy by Caroline Overington). Coincidentally, all three of these books are by Australian writers although I’m not sure there’s any real correlation because all three of these books were being written at about the same time and I doubt there was any corroboration going on.

Burial Rites won the inaugural Writing Australia Unpublished Manuscript Award and was nominated for several other writing prizes. Assuming these prizes were judged on writing and style alone (and leaving aside any considerations of plot or character), I can understand why. This novel has been written with confidence and the considerable historical research undertaken by the author has no doubt played a large part in this.

Based on real events, it’s the story of Agnes Magnusdottir, who has been condemned to death for her part in the murders of two men in Iceland and is awaiting confirmation of the sentence by the Supreme Court and the King. In the interim, she has been sent to live with the Jonsson family and to act as their servant. And she has requested the services of Assistant Reverend Toti to guide her in her spiritual salvation. Toti is supposed to lecture and berate her on her wrongdoings then lead her in prayer in the hopes that she will be suitably admonished and return to God in her final months.

Instead, Agnes tells him the story of her life. It’s a harsh tale, the oldest of three illegitimate children (to three different fathers) and abandoned by her mother, coincidentally at the farm she is now spending her final days on (it has since changed hands). After her foster mother dies, her foster father kicks her out and she spends the rest of her time working as a servant at a variety of Icelandic farms. Until she meets Natan. She falls in love with him and he asks her to come live with him on his farm and be his housekeeper.

But when she gets there, there’s already a younger, prettier woman installed as housekeeper and Agnes is expected to act as her maid. But she’s in love and determined to make the most of it. So how does she end up accused of murder and her lover dead?

I wish I could say it’s a grand sweeping saga of love and betrayal but it’s hardly original, a woman poorly treated by the world in general because of her status and by someone she loves because he can. All the characters in this story are unattractive. Maybe it’s the harshness of the setting, Iceland in the winter when not much more than huddling by a fire and trying not to die can be accomplished. Maybe it’s the time period, 1829, with no running water and a real lack of attention to hygiene that kept making me want to take a shower (there seemed to be a lot of peeing of pants and a strange focus on urine and faeces – what is it about “literature” that the authors have to describe it in such detail?). Maybe it’s the characterisation itself. But I couldn’t locate a single person I felt genuine empathy for.

Because it’s a fictionalised account of a real historical event, there are a number of letters and documents included from the time of the court case up until the executions. (Don’t worry, I’m not giving anything away – Agnes Magnusdottir was quite famously the last woman executed in Iceland.) There is a genuine air of authenticity and realism and while Hannah Kent appears to have been enthralled by the story during the time she spent in Iceland, she has failed to translate that enthusiasm into something that enthralled me. There are plenty of historical stories just like it, women accused of the murder of men they were romantically involved with, convicted and executed despite concerns then and later about whether they were actually guilty.

There is also something very strange about the characterisation of the two sisters of the family Agnes is staying with. In the opening chapters, Lauga is portrayed as the sensible, considerate one and Steina as the air-headed, selfish one. But almost immediately, their roles are reversed, so much so that I wondered if the author had gotten their names mixed up after that.

But as a piece of writing, Burial Rites is an accomplishment. I’ll be interested to read Hannah Kent’s next book. If she can take it to the next level with characters and plot, she’ll certainly be a writer to watch in the future.

3 stars

*First published on Goodreads 30 October 2015