Evan Sanders's Blog, page 98

Your Life, Your Song

My music speaks to me every single day. I put my headphones in, move the switch on my shuffle to on and get a chance to turn my brain off. My music teaches me lessons. It takes me through times of pain, love, happiness and sadness. It teaches me how to overcome, how to strive for more, and how to be gentle in a world that can be so rough. It pushes me, it soothes a tired mind and brings the best out of me. Before there was writing…there was music. Just as it has always been – headphones…bobbing my head to the beat or singing the lyrics.

Your life is a brilliant canvas in which you can paint your story. When you add music into the equation, you can feel and understand things about yourself and the emotions that run through you that you could never put down in words. That is why I put music in my blogs. There are times when I simply cannot say it better or illustrate it better than the song I choose. And that is perfectly fine. This is not an ego battle. The purpose of this is to put forth the best possible product that accurately describes how I am feeling and what is going on in my life.

“Draw a line. Live above it.” – Unknown

There comes a point when you have to say to yourself “I am better than this. This effort I am giving is not enough. It isn’t producing the results I want. It’s time to draw a line and live above it.” A long time ago, I realized that the standards I set for myself were only meant to be for me. They weren’t meant for anyone else to live up to. Every day I would go to work competing with myself. Not just the current version of myself, but what I could truly be. That keeps me striving for more and pushing towards my potential. Many will argue with this statement by saying “You should just be happy with what you have etc.” I have my qualms with this. While I do appreciate what I have currently, both spiritually, mentally, and physically – I also know in my heart that I have more in the tank. I have more to give, more to express, more incredible things to gain in this life. It isn’t an obsession with the material. No, it is a desire to reach for more…because I was meant for more. I dream of being amongst one of the greats one day.

Your dreams will take you so far – then comes the work.

The difference between the talented and the skilled is the amount of work they put into the game. Talent will only take you so far…but it is the individual who persists and masters his craft who ultimately becomes successful in his endeavors. If you take this concept and extend it past your craft and focus its energy into your personal life as well, you will make leaps and bounds beyond your wildest dreams. With this focus comes more challenges, and more challenges…and more challenges. But you have to remind yourself why you are doing it. Why you are putting yourself through a struggle. Why you are sacrificing.

When you feel like giving up, remember why you started in the first place. In that moment, when you consider the beginning, you will prevent yourself from quitting entirely.

So take a moment to consider what you have in life right now and ask yourself the question “Am I meant for more than this?” If the answer is yes, write down your path, your goals, your dreams, and then work backwards from there. It is surprising how easy it is to create a concrete plan on how to achieve what you wish to. Of course there will be curveballs along the way, but if you practice hitting them and plan on them being thrown to you, your chances of making solid contact go way up.

And remember…

Draw a line. Live above it

- Evan Sanders

One Shot: Never Looking Back

“Would you capture it? Or just let it slip?” – Eminem

I’ve fallen more times than I can remember. If my knees could talk, they would scream obscenities. They would speak about drastic falls, scrapes, scars and general dissatisfaction with being beaten up so much. I remember when my legs gave out, legitimately, and it was only then when I truly appreciated how important these legs were I walk on each and every day.

It’s time to make one great stand. I’m taking a stand for the power of love and possibility.

Writing has been difficult lately. It wasn’t a block, no, it was something much deeper than that. I tend to find that I never really have a problem writing unless there is some massive moral dilemma going on inside (which there was). That moral dilemma stemmed from an over complication of this project. There was too much thinking of “what is the next step?” versus just living the next step…and just letting it come to me.

Way back when I started this project, the aim was much much simpler. Write out one thing a day that you learned. Over time, the project got more complicated as, well, my thoughts got more complicated. I think it happened naturally as the comments started to stream in and I started to read more and more stories of others out there. As things became clearer to me, the doors opened up for me to start questioning life more. And as I started asking more questions…ooohhhhh boy did things become a little more complicated.

“What the hell am I doing?” Has been a pretty common question lately. Not “Why am I doing this?” I know why I am doing this project. That makes complete sense to me. But I have sincerely asked myself the question over the past few months…”What the hell am I doing?” over and over again, and really didn’t come up with any worthwhile answer. But I think the silence was the point of it all.

A long time ago I saw a quote that said, “Don’t tell people your dreams…show them.” I think that is probably one of the best statements I have ever read. In truth, I have been guilty of coming up with big plans and then letting them flop. This project has been subjected to the previous statement, and I fully intend to correct that. And as I look into what I am about to do, I am reinvigorated. I am determined to give this that grand effort. And I’m not going to tell you what it is. In fact, it will be much better that way.

When you aren’t getting the results you want, change your input. Remember that. I am taking it to heart.

- Evan Sanders

From the Beginning Till Now

(Here comes everything. Every memory)

Writhing in pain

Green blanket

Hospital

Ambulance lights

Blood taken

Stickers

Walking with mom

Scar

Sega

The room

My friend who had brain surgery

Preschool

Bear necklace

Freckles

Sitting in class

Nap time

Falling off the playground

Buckwheat

Magic School Bus

Mini tv

Gold pinecones

Mac and Cheese

Sleeping on her stomach

VW

Sickness

Mama

Cheeseballs

Palo Alto

Gameboy

Swimming

Meets

Tents

Tag

Kickball

White fences

Pogs

T.

Pumpkins

Baseball cards

Trouble

Digging

Walks

Dad

Sister

Blackberries

Crushes

Watermellons

Chasing

Rosebushes

Basketball

Hardwood

Pine

Science class

Canada

Trails

Sister

Dress up

Friends

Grades

Strange feelings

New school

Nervousness

Acceptance

Basketball

Football

After school

Blacktop

5 on 5

4th graders

Backstreet Boys

NSync

CD players

Class trips

Skittles

Notes

Lockers

Heartbreak

Max

Buttercup

Tree house

Summer

Pool

Music

R.

J.

A.

J.

Best friends

Baseball games

Picture day

Struggling to play

All Stars

Jeep

1st Home Run

Iceman

Closing

Grounders

Grass

Sun

E1

E2

Winning 13

Outlier

Cast out

Loyalty

Betrayal

Braces

Pokemon

New friends

C.

Puberty

Art class

Confusion

Yelling

Fear

First kiss

Phone call

Lacies

NJB

Finals

Free throws

My room

Up the stairs

The driveway

First bed

Polkadot pillow

Hamster

Middle school

Study sessions

Awkwardness

Rabbit

Cargo shorts

Hawaiin shirts

Pooka shells

Dancing

Teammates

Marshalls

More trouble

S.

LAMV

Mentors

Older kids

Scared

Coaches

Kind words

Accepted

S.F.

1st day

New friend

Math class

Fit in

Sports

Competition

Winning

Pain

Injuries

Lost way

Teasing

More grades

Languages

Insecurity

Disability

Frustration

Called up

More crushes

Girlfriends

Spinning

Hero

Uniforms

Quitting

Tearing

Shame

Downstairs

Both barrels

Drinking

Proms

Love

Safety

Straying

Ford

Late nights

Balcony

A.

S.

A.

Horrible

Ipod

Headphones

Mornings

Lunch

Catcher

Pressure

Anxiety

Hitting

Batting cages

Failed efforts

Spilling water

Dances

Gym

Haven

Mr. D

Mr. C

Mr. N

Mr. F

Praying

Ringing in my ears

Loud mind

Tornado

Darkness

Up Hills

Throwing up

Light

Momentum

Pop

Tears

Arm

Cracks

Doctors

Scans

Anger

Rest

Mounds

Rebuilding

Runs

Conditioning

Lifting

Santa Cruz

Certainty

Bullpens

Punishment

Rain

Draining

Mr. S

Tests

APs

Studying

Hours

Mediocre

Effort

Exam

USC

House

Future

Stories

Bad news

Lingering

Walk on

SCU

Commit

Team

Parties

Efforts

Confusion

Square peg

Lies

Cover up

D.

Misunderstandings

Books

Notebooks

Classes

Cursive

Trying to be cool

Video games

Trash

Efforts to fit in

Iowa

Tahoe

Snow

Lost

Breakups

Dream ends

Punishment

Birthdays

Living Room

Negotiation

Fire

Hay pile

Ashes

Carried

Hospital

Sleep

Wrist band

Talks

Stand ground

Early to class

Eminem

Scars

Journals

Ink

Skinny

Travel

Recovery

Angel

John Mayer

Lyrics

Happiness

Halloween

Wings

S.

New Years

Tar

Wolf

Blackness

Heart

Broken

The bed

Night

Silence

The start

Writing

Feelings

Emotions

Pouring

Break

Script

Soft

Porches

Drinks

Trust

Advice

Health

Fitness

School gym

Resilience

Resistance

Firecracker

Powder keg

X

Simplify

Problem

Eating

More writing

Learning

Sage

Wisdom

Eyes

Clear

New perspective

Calm

Fishing

Dream

Goals

Apologies

Empathy

Love

Passion

Never Quitting

Drive

Determination

Faith

Servant

Clarity

Stories

Deep love

Dinners

Cleaning out

Apartment

More struggles

Victories

Challenges

Boards

Late nights

Graduation

Nothingness

Guessing game

Opportunities

Book

Watson

Hours

Reading

View

Searching

Sickness

Guest House

Couch

Help

Revelations

More dreams

Paralysis

Flake

Fear

Decision

Snap

M.

Open mind

LA

E.

Expanding

Focus

N.

Grateful

Bowed

Answers

Work

Grind

Opportunity

Reach

Grab

Curate

Lessons

Starting

Music

Driving

Beach

Sand

Warmth

Laughing

Hands

Old

New

Hard words

Letting go

Letting in

Vision

Switch

On

Grow

Look

Above

The here

The now

- Evan Sanders

Set Fire to Yesterday and Watch the Walls Melt

Out I rise from the ashes like a phoenix reborn.

We all walk through the darkness. But it is this darkness that shapes our light just as much as anything else. We are not so much defined by the times of happiness, but rather by the times where we were torn apart, damaged, and shaken to our foundations. Sometimes, it takes a good fall to truly understand how you are built. There are those moments in life where you need to understand how strong your footing is and how quickly you can return to standing upright after being knocked down.

The Black Dog, as Winston Churchill called it, follows us every day nipping at our heals. The good news is, the white wolf walks with you as well, and depending on which one you feed is the one that is going to gain strength.

There are situations in our lives that we cannot control. Events that smack us around a bit and check our momentum. It is very easy to let these events define your path…even knock you off the rails completely. But the strongest tree in the forest is the one that grows its roots deep because it has faced the storm ahead of any other. It digs in. It plants itself firmly against resistance and develops that one characteristic that defines nature and man throughout hardship: resilience.

Resilience is what got me here in the first place. Resilience is what got me through hell and allowed me to walk through the heat. Resilience is what kept me going when my one dream disintegrated in front of me without any possible explanation. Resilience allowed me to sit up that day after wanting to stay laying flat on the bed. Resilience taught me that no matter how bad it was, there was always light in every situation…I just had to look for it.

Resilience…has brought me to this moment, a moment of accountability – where I can truly say that I have let myself down in many ways, but I am willing to go in one more round and give it everything I have. I am willing to see through the failure and learn from my past experiences. I know how hard it is. I know how my weaknesses can thwart my efforts to succeed. I have seen them deliberately crumble my future and terrorize my present. I have seen how they have governed my past.

I can see how my ego can get in the way of my efforts and soften my courage. I saw how angry it made me. I found out what it is like when you harbor hate in your heart. I have seen the other side of myself in the past – the fighter, full of misdirected energy and agitation that ran up the center of my back. The stubborn lone wolf that lacked sympathy, empathy, understanding and warmth. Cold. My heart beat slower during those years. My mind – a uncontrollable tornado and my emotions a unharnessed lightning storm.

And it was fear and weakness that made me feign strength. It was hollow. The creatures of emptiness shoveled and pickaxed me away inside.

In this time, the time of being surrounded in flames, I ran around looking for an opening in the circle. But the harder I tried the higher the flames grew. The hotter they became. The more that I tried to fight it the closer the circle tightened its grip. I was consumed. And it was only at the point where I bowed my head and put my hands on the floor of that dark shower that I learned the answer was not which way to run, but which way to look.

I looked up.

The flames subsided and my questions were answered. The direction became clear. The purpose showed itself. I softened, and therefore became stronger. My present became unshackled and I lit a fire to my past…instead of it lighting a fire to me.

Every day, is an opportunity to live and to grow. Create for something greater than yourself. Serve others. Be gentle with yourself. Love passionately. Speak truths and not hatred. Appreciate the seconds you have.

I’m pulling for you.

- Evan Sanders

An Open Palm

Sometimes

We have to hold

The people we love

With an open palm

So they can fly away

And if it is right again

They can come back to us

Life, He Said

Life

He said

Is a mixture of emotion and commotion

The highs are high

And the lows are low

They will make your stomach flip when you rise

And slam you into the ground when you fall

But the worst thing you could possible do

Is numb yourself

Sedate yourself

And drug yourself with a frosted heart

—

Life

He said

Is a mixture of heartache and triumph

The pain hangs your head

The triumph make your heart beat

You will crumble

And you will condense

And the reasons for all this, He said

Is to make you grow

To turn you into something real

Genuine. Quality. Authentic

—

Life

He said

Is given to those who are not afraid

Of the possibility of pain

Because they know that the struggle is positive

The blacksmiths arm is only forged by resistance

And the human soul morphs in the same way

Through punishment and perseverance

In love and determination

And in the end those who decide to accept this

Are the ones who live

Not just survive

- Evan Sanders

On the Beauty of Women

Before I start this, I want to make something clear. This post is not coming from a man who has had an easy time his whole life with women. In fact, I have had my heart broken more times than I care to admit. I have shed tears, been betrayed in the worst of ways and have been made to feel unimportant, almost to the point where I thought I didn’t exist. And even through all of this, I can still put my heart on the line for women because I believe in one fundamental reality.

Women are beautiful.

Last night, one of my best friends sent me an article  and asked for my thoughts. So I opened it up and read the first line. “I’m just gonna come out and say it: I love insecure women.” I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and continued reading on for the next 10 minutes. After I finished, I shut my computer screen down and sat there with my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. In those moments I sat there thinking, I took a brief trip to my past to attempt to give this man who had written one of the most hate filled articles I have ever read the benefit of the doubt, and to try to understand if there was any truth in his obvious anger.

Aristotle once said, “It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” So I entertained his assertions for a few minutes and began to feel this emptiness inside of me. Everything was cold. And of course when you read hate, you feel that inside of you. His following conclusions are what made me feel sick to my stomach.

Most girls have done nothing to deserve self-esteem

Insecurity is integral to femininity

Women don’t want to have high self-esteem

When I was a very young boy, my grandfather sat me down, one of the handful of times we talked one on one, and said, “Evan, you make sure you treat the women in your life well. And if someone hurts your loved ones, you make sure they never do that again.” I can hear his words echoing in my ears right now. Maybe that is why I am writing this piece, not because a woman in my life was attacked. No, because I feel like every woman in the world was attacked by generalizations, unfair judgements, and shallow absolutes. So here I am, a young man who wears plenty of scars from the opposite sex, writing down what I truly do believe. And I will say it again.

Women are beautiful.

Some of the most meaningful, trustworthy, passionate, vulnerable, loving friendships and relationships I have had and still have are with women. In fact, I know for certain that if it wasn’t for a few select women in my life, I probably wouldn’t be around. My relationships with women have taught me how to dive into the emotional side of my heart, how to be gentle in a world that is incredibly rough, how to take care of another, and most of all how to deeply and passionately love others. These relationships have helped me grow into a man that I am proud of. It doesn’t matter if many have come and gone, if the relationship ended poorly for one reason or another. The important thing is that I learned from some of the best people I know or have ever known how to be an authentic and  caring human being.

Are there women in the world who are insecure and have self-esteem issues? Absolutely. Are there men who have the exact same issues? Of course. Because at the end of the day it doesn’t matter if you are male or female when you are looking in the mirror and the negative side of your mind out of control telling you that you’re too fat, you’re not pretty enough, your eyes are too far apart, or that you don’t have glowing skin. Your gender doesn’t truly have a say when the negativity spreads throughout your life like a virus and you become filled with anxiety, depression, and fear. Every person on this planet battles with the same issues. Are there some issues that happen specifically to a woman more than a man and visa versa? Once again, absolutely. But every human being has felt insecure, worthless and pathetic. That is a part of life. These emotions are at the opposite end of the spectrum where happiness and joy spend their time. And to experience one you must experience the other. Life is incredibly balanced. It gives you a taste of feeling horrible about yourself so you can truly experience the warmth in your heart when you are living in the present and enjoying the path you are on.

Our greatest joy comes from deeply loving others, male or female, gay or straight, short or tall, fat or skinny. It’s about seeing someone as exactly who they are and who they aren’t, and learning to love an imperfect person perfectly. Light comes from being vulnerable with people, by trusting in the goodness of their hearts, and by giving yourself to your family, your friends, and to your significant other. Life is not a male vs. female issue. It is in fact a person to person collaboration. I think we have lost sight of that. We have lost sight of the fact that our material world is special because it is filled with unique individuals who all have the capacity to love one another deeply and to shine light in places of darkness.

I’m no fool, I know that there are people in the world that do terrible things to others and hurt people deeply. However, we can’t make generalizations about an entire gender or about anyone else for that matter because we happened to have certain events occur throughout our lifetime. Our life is not the life of others. If we continue to focus on what makes us different we will never be able to relate to each other. The exact same event will never happen in the exact same way to two people…ever. However, if we decide that it is more important to feel empathetic towards others and to connect with them on an emotional level, that is where the true magic happens. That is how relationships are built, walls are broken down, and love infectiously spreads into the deepest darkest cracks of this earth.

The choice is yours: to love or to hate. The most crucial question you can ask yourself is what type of world do you live in?

I choose love.

-Evan Sanders

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(518) Fragments of Time

Let’s get a little bit funky tonight. Play the song above.

That moment when you feel so alive. Incredible right? Probably the best feeling in the world – when you truly lose yourself in a moment. Could you do that for more than a moment – you sure could. You could lost in a day, in a week, in a year…and the only way to get there is to create that for yourself. Of course its possible – I am doing it right now. Sitting here at the end of the day writing down my thoughts and doing what I am doing during the daytime is my dream. And soon enough, that dream is going to take off even more. Full speed ahead!

Now, what I want to write about is what happens when these crazy things that you dreamed about start happening in your life. It is really easy to settle and sit back on what you have done. But you can’t stop there, you have to ride that wave. You have to keep pushing yourself to see just how far you can really go. Because only those who test their boundaries and sail to the edges of their mind get to figure out just how far one can travel. And the thing is, that is an experience you will have for the rest of your life – one that you can build on for years and years to come.

“Remember that time you really really pushed yourself and what you got out of it?” Yes I do Evan

So the question really is “How are you going to define your future?” Many will argue that the future belongs to no one. I respectfully disagree. And how am I going to disagree? I am going to disagree by showing you the route I am going and showing you how I am building my dream. Because anyone can say they are going to do something, but there are few who actually do it. I respect the big dreamers – I am one. But I respect the doers a little bit more primarily because I know how hard it is to grind it out every single day. It is almost impossible at times to do what you said you were going to do, especially when you are tired and worn out. But you just keep doing what you have to do. Day in and day out. Then, when you finally put your head up and see what you have done…you can smile.

What type of life will you create for yourself?

-Evan Sanders

(517) – Take It From Someone Who Knows

Thera are so many things to be scared of in this life.

Yep. That about sums it up right?

At the same time, we know in our minds that we know that there are so many things to enjoy about the time we spend here. We see others who have achieved dreams, we look to the starts and wonder what is it like to fly among them, we see those in love and wonder how they did it. We wonder a lot. We what if a lot. We dream – and how could you not when you see what you want right in front of your eyes.

We have those moments when we close our eyes and  get goosebumps every time we think about opening them to the life we have dreamed of. That’s when you know you are really alive. When you are creating every moment of the day because you feel like you have control over yourself. And isn’t that the greatest obstacle? The fight that rages within the self?

I can testify to how hard it can be to have big goals and dreams and watch them float by when your spending your energy battling the demons inside. There comes a point however, where you have to decide what is more worth it: being comfortable or achieving something great. It takes some guts to admit to yourself that the reason why you don’t have what you wished for is because you were more concerned being comfortable in the place you were than sacrificing.

If you want it, and you don’t have it currently, you are going to have to make some sacrifices.

If you want to have a fiery passionate life, and you don’t have one right now…there are going to have to be some changes. YOU are going to have to make them. No one else is responsible for what is going on in your life or what you decide to do. You are responsible for your past, present, and future. Because at the end of the day, you close your eyes. No one else does it for you.

And lastly…it all breaks down to one thing: loving people and life as much as possible. We can get caught up in what other people say and what the best piece of advice is, but if you don’t actually live life you are going to spend time imitating everyone else and you end up a product of other people – not of your own wishes. You need to do what is going to make you happy and what will make you into the best individual possible. If you want to ask him/her out on a date – ask. If you want to text them one day after you had your date – do it. Society has all these standards and rules for how things should be done. And people actually take this advice! Look at society first and ask, “Do I want that for myself?” Trust me, when you find the right people in your life, you can just act like yourself and not have to worry about impressing anyone. They are there for you and believe in you.

Do you. That doesn’t mean forget about other people, but you truly can’t be there for others in the largest capacity possible if you can’t be there for yourself. Food for thought.

- Evan Sanders

(516) – History

What is your story going to be? When it is all said and done, what will people read about you? Will your story be one of succumbing to fear or overcoming significant obstacles, stepping all the way down on the gas pedal, burning those engines out and giving this life you have…this one shot…everything. Because we all have something incredibly special inside of us that is initially covered in dirt. It isn’t a perfect diamond that you just uncover. In fact, this diamond is deep deep down in a cave you didn’t even know existed. In order to get there, you have to take a dive into the dark and start searching around. What does this come down to?

Faith.

Someone asked me today, “How do you get out of ruts?” Incredible question truthfully. The  short answer to this question is I attack whatever is causing the rut. The truth is, most of the time we know exactly what is bugging us. Someone dumped us, we lost a game, we failed, we cheated at something etc. But the difference between the champions and those who stay stuck forever is that immediate decision to go right back into the fight and keep swinging. To get right back up after being knocked down. To go right back into dating, to put your cleats back on and head back to the mound, to eat clean, to try again – to do whatever you need to do to get right back on the field to play.

Our ruts are perfect examples of sitting in the stands and watching life go by. We aren’t playing on life’s field when we sit back and watch other people go after their dreams. We are observers at that point. But feeling truly alive is about risk. About pushing your chips in every single day and living with uncertainty in a world that is full of uncontrollabes. But life is never out of control. You may view it that way, but in reality, there are plenty of things that you can control and focus on when there is a gigantic shit-storm going on around you. I’ve been there. I’ve been there many many times. Where everything seems like it’s going wrong and whatever could fall apart does. But this next lesson is the most important thing I ever learned playing baseball.

One pitch at a time.

If you focus on one thing at a time when you are in a rut, you will build momentum. This momentum – the momentum gained by doing the little things right – will get you right back on track. I have found that when things are going south that I still am trying to do the big stuff. No. Downsize. Get back to the basics. You have to put your best team on the field before you can play a game against the opponent – your ego. If there’s no one playing first, your going to have a tough time with ground balls to the infield.

Write your story. In fact, write two. Write your future. Fill it with Big Hairy Ass Goals. Then, every day, write your present (keeping your future in mind). When the obstacles come – those fierce dragons and trolls you have to fight along the way – you know you are making some severe progress. Take out the arrows and fire away. Then keep going. Don’t be satisfied and sit back on achieving something if you aren’t “there” yet. It is the man/woman with stamina and endurance who makes it to the end. Don’t think twice about the person or people around you who took off sprinting. You’ll catch up. Do you. Don’t attempt to be anyone else. Be the best version of you – and yes – create that version.

Fill those pages

- Evan Sanders