Rachel Smith's Blog: Guinea Pigs and Books, page 72

“On the business end of a beam of despair”

4. Them or Us – David Moody

Welcome to the post-post-apocalypse, where if you can’t get your mental shit together, you’re doomed. Then again, you always were doomed, even if you could get your mental shit together because there’s some probably tiny handed dictator waiting to only give you food if you’re fittingly sycophantic and brutal. Sheesh. How do these people gain power? Oh wait, regardless of country, sometimes they get voted in.

Them or Us is a fittingly bleak and mildly brutal end to the Hater trilogy, set in Lowestoft, and yet, The Darkness’ fate was not mentioned. I assume Justin and Dan and co. are fine and were in a bunker when the bombs fell – after all, bombs are really only supposed to fall on Slough, isn’t that how the poem goes?

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It was the coming of the …Belvedere. Damnit, too many syllables, and “Bel Bel” just doesn’t have the same ring as “Black Shuck.” He was certainly “a curious beast” though. Oooooooh.

CBS Studios can’t tell a guinea pig parody from an actual copyright violation.

Today is my birthday. It is the second-most held birthday in the world thanks to New Year’s Eve… Anyway, today I woke up to a notice that Redbubble, the site where I sell the non-handmade versions of my work, took down the following painting:

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Peregrine’s log saw something that night. It saw a corporation being a dick to a poor person about their guinea pig parody painting.

 

Because CBS Studios said it violates their rights. Fuck you, CBS. My nostalgic, guinea pig-centric television parody does not violate CBS Studio’s rights. This image has never existed before I painted it, it’s not accurately representing anything from the Twin Peaks universe- note that the inaccurate logo is a pun: “Peegs” is not “Peaks” and it is not accurately painted because I’m stuck with my human hands and I can’t perfectly match colors, Peregrine is not Margaret Lanterman and as far as I have ever seen, the Log Lady has never been in the Red Room – nerd detail, guys. My original concept utilizing the concept of parody and guinea pigs to put out something very cute featuring my little girl.

Parody has always been protected.

No one will ever confuse my work for any actual Twin Peaks merchandise.

And frankly, I don’t really sell all that much of anything I do, because it relies upon people who like guinea pigs to find it. Twin Peaks never involved guinea pigs. My Twin Peaks parody only has the possibility of profit if people who like guinea pigs find it. I’ve never sold a single one of my parodies in person to anyone who didn’t expressly become interested because of guinea pigs. The thing I’m parodying has always been the secondary concern. Always.

One last consideration – guinea pigs are not cats, the behemoth of the animal parody-trade.

Parody is protected.

Don’t go after artists who aren’t in your way.

I filed a counter-notice. I will update if I get my painting reinstated as it should be, I’ll maybe update if “screw you, poor artist person” stays the status quo.

 

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Fuck you, CBS Studios. (Tulpa-Diane doesn’t even belong to you, CBS Studios, I bet you’re mad that I just parodied her phrasing and you can’t tell me to take it down.) Ozma doesn’t want you to break my heart on my birthday anymore, even if Funko Bob would probably support that.

 

This week I also found another site where people are stealing the first book of my Squirrelpocalypse Trilogy and now this, on my birthday, well… I’ve never been happier. I don’t know why it’s important to prevent someone whose work barely anyone is even interested in from making any money off it, further enforcing that they will never get to be who they are full time, but that is what I am learning this month.

“Surveillance does. I hate those.”

35. Shock Value – Jason Zinoman

Short essays on horror movies that gave me the impression that a lot of horror directors act like dicks. That’s actually not too much of a surprise. There’s an accepted attitude of dickishness that has been at work in creative enterprises for an extraordinarily long time, and if you take the lack of opportunities for women into account, it gets even dickier. And sometimes that dickishness works in the favor of the horror audience, sometimes it doesn’t. Too many cooks. Also, there are apparently several factual inaccuracies in the book and that is an important thing to consider if you are into serious film criticism. I’m not that serious, but I do like accuracy so I’m at an impasse. My favorite fact from the book was easily verifiable, so you know I’m trying not to lie to you.

Anyway, I learned many interesting little tidbits from Zinoman’s work and I really enjoyed the chapters on Alien and Texas Chainsaw Massacre in particular. One name that I didn’t know before reading this that I really should have is Dan O’Bannon – although leaving Dan out seems to have been kind of a thing back in the day. Apparently he and John Carpenter ended up frenemies and he worked on that failed Jodorowsky version of Dune and is responsible for the chestburster scene from Alien existing and H.R. Giger being involved in Alien. He is not specifically responsible for my very favorite fact from the book, the one I didn’t know and committed to memory because I knew I would need to repeat it as much as possible – one of the working titles of Alien was “Star Beast.” I cannot imagine how little gravitas Alien would have had if it stayed “Star Beast.” Holy shit that is a terrible title for a horror movie. Or a thriller. Or anything that is supposed to have dark suspense. It evokes the He-Man cartoon for me. The over-projected voices, the furry half-there clothing, the complete lack of suspense…that’s what Star Beast says to me.

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I could’ve named Danger Crumples “Star Beast” and it would’ve made more sense than calling Alien “Star Beast.”

Fitter. Happier. Whatever.

16. Reasons to Stay Alive – Matt Haig

A common problem amongst depressed persons and persons with depressive tendencies is isolation. Some people are truly isolated and some are just mentally isolating themselves, both have valid situations, but this conceptually is one of the reasons that Reasons to Stay Alive was not particularly useful for me. When I was finished reading this I wanted to read a memoir of depression that didn’t end with the person happily married. Why is that the end? It doesn’t seem like it should really be the end, based on my recent experience listening to several married persons talking about how much they hate being around other people. I didn’t want to be insulting, but I did feel the urge to remind them that a quick way to get rid of all those people they know is to get divorced and move alone to a place they’ve never been. It’s entirely possible to get to a location where no one knows you and then you won’t have to worry about anyone asking how you are or being interested in your existence.

I have yet to find any books related to depression that don’t emphasize connection with other people as a “way out” and yet I’ve noticed that consistently finding connection in person is one of the things that is dwindling as technology addiction continues to manipulate peoples’ ability to communicate and muddles the line between the figurative desire for isolation (“Ugh, I hate being invited to do things.”/”Why isn’t anyone liking my latest instagram!?”) and what it really means. I’m glad that Matt Haig was able to maintain a meaningful connection throughout the episodes that he relates in Reasons to Stay Alive and that he found his reasons. And I know that in some cases, it doesn’t matter that someone has connections or support, they’re still not going to cope; but I still want to see the other side of that explored in print. I think that this era of technological disassociation and nutball governance requires new kinds of reasoning for hope. For the most part, mine’s finding the absurdity in small things. Mostly words and cavies.

 

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Mortemer and Murderface in their dotage, napping. They are unable to like any of my posts to this very day.

“I love my answering machine”

54. My Secret Admirer – Carol Ellis

Isolated teen sparks the interest of local maniac, rejects common sense, lives to tell the tale. It’s hard when you move to a new town and your parents immediately abandon you to fend for yourself in your extremely isolated home. Perhaps, if you were a teenage girl who had never seen a single news report or experienced other humans, you might think that suddenly having a secret admirer leave you gifts when you are completely alone in an unfamiliar place would be fun, perhaps cute, and it wouldn’t set off every internal personal safety alarm you have even though you keep acting like you have those on your trips to town. The ominous rocks aren’t calling you, Jenny, and they certainly aren’t leaving you presents. Yeesh.

Mixtape –

1. Burden in My Hand – Soundgarden

2. What’s a Girl to Do? – Bat for Lashes

3. Comanche Moon – The Black Angels

4. Get Found – Bass Drum of Death

5. Too Real – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

6. Crazy Love – Chelsea Wolfe

7. Deep Blue – Arcade Fire

8. A Brief History of Love – The Big Pink

9. Behind the Wheel – Depeche Mode

10. No Direction – Logan 5

11. Length of Love – Interpol

12. Kalopsia – Queens of the Stone Age

13. With My Eyes Closed – The Raveonettes

14. Something I Can Never Have – Vitamin String Quartet

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Merricat asks, “Really? Listen to the dog, Jenny. Peaches knows what’s up.”

Late 1800s newspaper front pages are like: murder, murder, accident, murder, Druids, somebody’s running for office, fire, a boat sank, murder.

7. One Evil Summer – R.L. Stine

A long time ago, in a land about one hundred miles away from the land I am currently occupying, I settled in to a long afternoon of playing while sort of watching TV and stumbled upon a movie where this weird lady took a baby into the woods and gave the baby to a tree. It seemed interesting and so I watched the rest of it -and this was before the internet, before the little guide on the television, and we had no subscription to TV Guide, and so it took me a REALLY long time to figure out that it was The Guardian. Bastard film of William Friedkin who would scare me half to death by creating a relatable situation in The Exorcist – he took his name off The Guardian for cable, not that I saw the beginning where it also explained that Druids worshipped trees (but- but- when were they building henges in danger of being crushed?). I saw some wolves, I got confused, and I am now never surprised by evil nanny stories. One Evil Summer is an evil nanny/babysitter story and it needed more wolves. And a creepy tree.

Mixtape –

1. I Am the Sun – Swans

2. Black God Forest – Those Poor Bastards

3. Are You Okay? – Dum Dum Girls

4. Anything, Anything – Dramarama

5. Jinx – Snakefinger

6. Lady Shoes – Jesus Lizard

7. 1985 – Kvelertak

8. Cat Claw – The Kills

9. Vacation – Absolutely Not

10. The Serpent & The Pig – Zebras

11. Two Hearted Woman – Electric Citizen

12. Drawing Down the Moon – Blood Ceremony

13. Nothin’ – Rowland S. Howard

14. Charmer – Kings of Leon

15. Superstition – The Kills

16. Wide At Midnight – The Wytches

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When they film Ozymandias’ story, which might involve creepy trees prior to my having acquired him, it’s likely that Sam Raimi will sign on to direct initially, but then we’ll have to settle for William Friedkin.

“How do you do, fellow kids?”

19. The Other Side of Dark – Joan Lowery Nixon

Oh, Stacy, you’re such a narc. This novel centers around young Stacy waking up from a coma to find out it’s been four years and her mother’s dead – but she’s not going to dwell on that, there’s make up to learn about and uncomfortable drinking parties to attend. She’s trying to remember her mother’s killer/her attacker’s face and everyone is a suspect, even her “love” interest… a twenty-three year old narcotics officer posing as a high school student. Seriously, how often did that happen? And, boundaries, people, boundaries. Getting statutory with a seventeen year old who thinks like a thirteen year old is, to say the least, unprofessional.

Mixtape:

1. Johnny Hit and Run Paulene – X

2. Teenage Disease – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

3. Bedazzled Fingernails – Mastodon

4. Sinful Nature – Bear In Heaven

5. Days Are Forgotten – Kasabian

6. Eighties – Killing Joke

7. Stop, I’m Already Dead – Deadboy & the Elephantmen

8. Patrolling Days – The Hives

9. Friend or Foe – Adam & the Ants

10. I Still Believe – Tim Cappello

11. Military Man – Evil Cowards

12. Bad Romance – Lady Gaga

13. Eez-Eh – Kasabian

14. Square Life – Catalogue

15. Ambulances – Ladytron

16. Suspicious Minds – Elvis

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Mortemer wants to be on the other side of the laundry basket. Escaping will not dry you off faster than the towel, Morty!

All this could’ve been avoided if the B&B had been set up on the Island of Misfit Mascots.

51. The Drifter – Richie Tankersley Cusick

Mrs. Baxter could have used a nice visit with the Sexual Harassment Panda from South Park before starting on her business plan. When your daughter says the man you hired as a live-in handyman after he just showed up one day at your door in your new town and has been giving her the creeper eyes and you imply that she should stop asking for it -that makes for a saaaaaad panda. Just a reminder, Mrs. Baxter, you should be glad your daughter told you about it BEFORE anything criminally prosecutable happened.

Mixtape –

1. Sinking with the Sun – The Raveonettes

2. Shallow Water – Electric Citizen

3. She Cried – Rowland S. Howard

4. Wild Charms – The Kills

5. Goodbye Gemini – Blood Ceremony

6. The Deserters – Rachel Zeffira

7. Constellations – Black Mountain

8. Nothin’ – Rowland S. Howard

9. Headed Nowhere – Those Poor Bastards

10. Big Dark Love – Murder By Death

11. Hollow Earth – Zebras

12. Four Teeth – True Widow

13. Black Eyed Dog – Swans

14. Lonely Sunday – Reignwolf

15. Calla – Russian Circles

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Belvedere doesn’t take kindly to age based power imbalances being used to the advantage of walking jean jackets.

Camp isn’t just a row of tents.

62. Lights Out – R.L. Stine

Stine getting epistolary up in here. Yes, villain of the piece, it is amazing that you think turning “Camp Nightwing” to “Camp Nightmare” is a clever bit of wordplay. I don’t know how anyone overlooked your genius. I know main character Holly was too busy being scared shitless by virtually every outside-based beast that could be at a summer camp. Suck it up, Holly, solving the mystery is going to require more than startled screams. Or…maybe not.

I went to two summer camps in my time as a youth. At the first one, my cabin was awoken in the night by mating wild turkeys – that was loud and also confusingly terrifying. Plus we had to walk danceably to “Tears in Heaven” and put up the flag. When we were voting on songs I had not heard “Tears in Heaven” and if I had I would have vetoed that so hard. At the second one, I was awoken by a mouse running sideways up the plywood between bunks (not my bunk, I was in the middle, terrified) and into, then back out of one camper’s sleeping bag – it was one of the most terrifying things I have ever seen. My fellow witness and I never told her.

Mixtape –

1. Young Men Dead – The Black Angels

2. We’re All Swine – Those Poor Bastards

3. Sin Is In 10 – Bass Drum of Death

4. Hallucinations – The Raveonettes

5. Deep in the Woods – The Birthday Party

6. I Remember – Suicide

7. Houses in Motion – Talking Heads

8. In Your Wildest Dreams – Reverend Horton Heat

9. Girl Afraid – The Smiths

10. Treat Her Like a Lady – Cornelius Brothers & Sister Rose

11. Suffer No Fools – The Sword

12. Been a Son – Nirvana

13. Running Joke – Queens of the Stone Age

14. Moonlight – Lonesome Wyatt & the Holy Spooks

15. Angelfuck – The Misfits

16. My Buried Child – Swans

17. Bad Blood – Ministry

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It’s not her fault she can’t hold a flashlight to tell spooky stories.

Linking arms and sticking out your tummies won’t fix it…this time.

46. Chain Letter – Christopher Pike

Who hasn’t, accidentally, done something with six other friends that they must keep a secret – only to find out someone totally saw whatever it was and now will make you all pay. Make you all pay. In this case that would be the very ominously named “Caretaker.” The “Caretaker” is NOT Grumpy Bear of the Care Bears in disguise, trying to paradigm shift the Care Bears’ organization.

Mixtape –

1. Rich Kids – Evil Cowards

2. Sprawl II – Arcade Fire

3. Sour Cherry – The Kills

4. Sin Is In 10 – Bass Drum of Death

5. Blitzed – The Raveonettes

6. Killing for Company – Swans

7. Slutman City – GWAR

8. Mouth Breather – Jesus Lizard

9. Teen Age Riot – Sonic Youth

10. Don’t Lie – Snakefinger

11. Houses in Motion – Talking Heads

12. Lee Did This to Me – Electric Six

13. Black Sun – Kadavar

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Horace likes the Care Bear Cousins, but not enough to commit. When you ignore guinea pigs, you’re working in a silo. [Ed. Using “silo” instead of “vacuum” is one of the stupidest business-language ideas ever – unless you plan on drowning in corn.]