Phoebe Alexander's Blog, page 5
June 4, 2014
a long time coming
It's nearly dusk on a lovely evening in early June. Last year at this time I was getting ready to finish Mountains Climbed and my whole world was topsy-turvy. This year, for the first time in several, I'm feeling clear-headed and on a fucking mission. I know where I'm going to be living, with whom I'll be living, and what the hell I will be doing with my life. And that is AWESOME!
I just hit publish on Fisher of Men. Tomorrow you can go onto Amazon and it will be there, and you can buy it. I hope you will.
But here's the deal, a pretty big announcement. Some of you have known for a long time, but many do not. I write under another pseudonym, K.L. Montgomery. I published a book last fall entitled Green Castles and it was recently named #31 on the 50 Self-Published Books Worth Reading 2013/14 List.
Here's the list: http://www.indieauthorland.com/the-50...
And here's the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Green-Castles-e...
If you like my writing you should check it out. There's not gratuitous sex but it is a pretty damn good story if I do say so myself.
For a long while, I wanted to separate my erotica pseudonym from what my other pseudonym because I wanted to spare my family's hearts from finding out that I have such a dirty/kinky side. I've recently learned that despite my best efforts, my secret has been discovered. I'm really not much for secrets nor pretending to be someone I'm not, so fuck it, I'm just letting it all now, consequences be damned.
And also because I want to talk about my next couple of projects in one big blog post.
First, I'll be publishing a compilation of blog posts I've written from my adult site blog and also a couple of other places I've blogged. It will be called Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age. Here's the description:
Most women experience a series of typical rites of passage in their late teens and early twenties: losing their virginity, gaining independence from their parents, embarking upon careers, and often getting married and having babies. But some women also undergo a second coming of age in their thirties and forties, during which they discover their true selves and embrace their place in the world.
Phoebe Alexander found herself on the threshold of her second coming of age in her early thirties when she finally recognized her identity was much more than just wife, mother, professional, and churchgoer. After an affair, opening her marriage and exploring a playground of sexual fantasy, she eventually found her voice as a blogger on the largest adult site in the world. In four years of blogging, she amassed a large readership that followed her adventures and journey toward self-discovery and acceptance, which culminated in the publication of her first erotic romance novel in 2012.
In Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age, Phoebe's journey is documented through a series of blog posts that reveal her extraordinary encounters along with her deepest, darkest inner thoughts as she works toward reconciling her faith, motherhood, and body image with her newly found desire for sexual liberation.
After that I will use my K.L. Montgomery moniker to publish a book that draws heavily on my experiences with dieting, body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders and obesity. It will be fictional, set in coastal Delaware and will be called Fat Girl. I hope to publish it in late 2014/early 2015.
And THEN, I will finally write the last book of the Mountains Series, Mountains Loved, due out in mid 2015.
So there you have it, my next year all laid out before you. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to know where I'm heading! Thank you for taking this journey with me, and I hope you enjoy Fisher of Men!
PS. Leave reviews. Pretty please!
I just hit publish on Fisher of Men. Tomorrow you can go onto Amazon and it will be there, and you can buy it. I hope you will.
But here's the deal, a pretty big announcement. Some of you have known for a long time, but many do not. I write under another pseudonym, K.L. Montgomery. I published a book last fall entitled Green Castles and it was recently named #31 on the 50 Self-Published Books Worth Reading 2013/14 List.
Here's the list: http://www.indieauthorland.com/the-50...
And here's the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Green-Castles-e...
If you like my writing you should check it out. There's not gratuitous sex but it is a pretty damn good story if I do say so myself.
For a long while, I wanted to separate my erotica pseudonym from what my other pseudonym because I wanted to spare my family's hearts from finding out that I have such a dirty/kinky side. I've recently learned that despite my best efforts, my secret has been discovered. I'm really not much for secrets nor pretending to be someone I'm not, so fuck it, I'm just letting it all now, consequences be damned.
And also because I want to talk about my next couple of projects in one big blog post.
First, I'll be publishing a compilation of blog posts I've written from my adult site blog and also a couple of other places I've blogged. It will be called Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age. Here's the description:
Most women experience a series of typical rites of passage in their late teens and early twenties: losing their virginity, gaining independence from their parents, embarking upon careers, and often getting married and having babies. But some women also undergo a second coming of age in their thirties and forties, during which they discover their true selves and embrace their place in the world.
Phoebe Alexander found herself on the threshold of her second coming of age in her early thirties when she finally recognized her identity was much more than just wife, mother, professional, and churchgoer. After an affair, opening her marriage and exploring a playground of sexual fantasy, she eventually found her voice as a blogger on the largest adult site in the world. In four years of blogging, she amassed a large readership that followed her adventures and journey toward self-discovery and acceptance, which culminated in the publication of her first erotic romance novel in 2012.
In Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age, Phoebe's journey is documented through a series of blog posts that reveal her extraordinary encounters along with her deepest, darkest inner thoughts as she works toward reconciling her faith, motherhood, and body image with her newly found desire for sexual liberation.
After that I will use my K.L. Montgomery moniker to publish a book that draws heavily on my experiences with dieting, body dysmorphic disorder, eating disorders and obesity. It will be fictional, set in coastal Delaware and will be called Fat Girl. I hope to publish it in late 2014/early 2015.
And THEN, I will finally write the last book of the Mountains Series, Mountains Loved, due out in mid 2015.
So there you have it, my next year all laid out before you. I can't tell you how amazing it feels to know where I'm heading! Thank you for taking this journey with me, and I hope you enjoy Fisher of Men!
PS. Leave reviews. Pretty please!
April 29, 2014
RELEASE DATE ANNOUNCEMENT!
Oh my gosh, does it look like I'm screaming with that subject?
Well, I am, because it was a very long fucking winter during which I battled depression, lack of motivation, and a great deal of uncertainty about my future. Now it's finally spring and I have a clear direction and some awesome news to share with you.
I'm finally going to publish this damn book I've been writing for a million years. It really only feels like that, but I'm pretty sure it's been almost 6 months now. I thought originally I'd be releasing it in January or February, then I thought March for sure. Well, now it's April and I'm well past the halfway mark. I have my calendar set with writing goals nearly every day so that I can finish writing by mid-May and have the book up on Amazon on June 5th! I hope my beta readers will be able to keep up with me!
And if you're trying to decide if you'd like to read it, maybe this short, steamy excerpt will help make up your mind?
Desire washed over Leah like a tidal wave. She glanced back to see that Cap had followed her into the room and was standing beside the bed, also observing the scene playing out before them. She looked up at him with eyes that gleamed green with lust and insistently tugged the dense fabric of his jeans. He crouched down next to her and whispered in her ear, “Like what you see?”
In lieu of a spoken answer, she forcefully yanked him down on top of her, aching for his weight against her body, for his lips to press down on her mouth. He was more than happy to oblige, shifting so that he was stationed between her legs. She could feel his erection pressing through the thick denim of his jeans into the exposed flesh of her thighs. “I want you now,” she demanded, trembling with her sudden and all-encompassing need.
She felt Other John's eyes boring into her as Cap eagerly ripped her black velour skirt down past her ankles and briskly pulled her sequined tank top up over her head. “It's almost midnight,” John warned Cap. “Looks like we're all going to ring in New Year the right way!”
“Fuck yes!” Cap agreed and began to strip away his own clothes. Mary screamed as an orgasm ripped through her which happened to coincide with the exact moment Cap's engorged cock came springing out of his boxer briefs. “Hey look at that, didn't even have to touch her!” he joked. John cracked up laughing but didn't miss a stroke and The Blonde briefly came up for air long enough to nod and smirk in appreciation of his humor.
“Quit fooling around and slide your cock inside me!” Leah begged, her back arching as she impatiently waited for him to resume his position between her legs. She was at that precise point of inebriation where she was fully cognizant of her inhibitions and filters having been thrown out the window, but too far gone to give a shit about it.
“Damn, Cap, give the girl what she wants!” Mary shouted, having regained the capacity for normal speech after her orgasm subsided.
Leah felt every last bit of Cap's eight inch cock push past her lips till he was buried to the hilt inside her. He had decided to test her patience a bit longer and to stall there, balls-deep but denying her any movement. Other John, still rhythmically pounding into The Blonde, watched as Leah's brows began to furrow and her teeth clenched as she grinded her hips against Cap, desperate for him to move inside of her.
Don't you want to know what happens next? <evil grin>
Of course you do, and you can find out on JUNE 5TH!
Well, I am, because it was a very long fucking winter during which I battled depression, lack of motivation, and a great deal of uncertainty about my future. Now it's finally spring and I have a clear direction and some awesome news to share with you.
I'm finally going to publish this damn book I've been writing for a million years. It really only feels like that, but I'm pretty sure it's been almost 6 months now. I thought originally I'd be releasing it in January or February, then I thought March for sure. Well, now it's April and I'm well past the halfway mark. I have my calendar set with writing goals nearly every day so that I can finish writing by mid-May and have the book up on Amazon on June 5th! I hope my beta readers will be able to keep up with me!
And if you're trying to decide if you'd like to read it, maybe this short, steamy excerpt will help make up your mind?
Desire washed over Leah like a tidal wave. She glanced back to see that Cap had followed her into the room and was standing beside the bed, also observing the scene playing out before them. She looked up at him with eyes that gleamed green with lust and insistently tugged the dense fabric of his jeans. He crouched down next to her and whispered in her ear, “Like what you see?”
In lieu of a spoken answer, she forcefully yanked him down on top of her, aching for his weight against her body, for his lips to press down on her mouth. He was more than happy to oblige, shifting so that he was stationed between her legs. She could feel his erection pressing through the thick denim of his jeans into the exposed flesh of her thighs. “I want you now,” she demanded, trembling with her sudden and all-encompassing need.
She felt Other John's eyes boring into her as Cap eagerly ripped her black velour skirt down past her ankles and briskly pulled her sequined tank top up over her head. “It's almost midnight,” John warned Cap. “Looks like we're all going to ring in New Year the right way!”
“Fuck yes!” Cap agreed and began to strip away his own clothes. Mary screamed as an orgasm ripped through her which happened to coincide with the exact moment Cap's engorged cock came springing out of his boxer briefs. “Hey look at that, didn't even have to touch her!” he joked. John cracked up laughing but didn't miss a stroke and The Blonde briefly came up for air long enough to nod and smirk in appreciation of his humor.
“Quit fooling around and slide your cock inside me!” Leah begged, her back arching as she impatiently waited for him to resume his position between her legs. She was at that precise point of inebriation where she was fully cognizant of her inhibitions and filters having been thrown out the window, but too far gone to give a shit about it.
“Damn, Cap, give the girl what she wants!” Mary shouted, having regained the capacity for normal speech after her orgasm subsided.
Leah felt every last bit of Cap's eight inch cock push past her lips till he was buried to the hilt inside her. He had decided to test her patience a bit longer and to stall there, balls-deep but denying her any movement. Other John, still rhythmically pounding into The Blonde, watched as Leah's brows began to furrow and her teeth clenched as she grinded her hips against Cap, desperate for him to move inside of her.
Don't you want to know what happens next? <evil grin>
Of course you do, and you can find out on JUNE 5TH!
April 13, 2014
after so much time
There was a moment last night when I thought I could die a happy and completely fulfilled woman. I was facing you on my side, my head resting on your bicep, my face nuzzled into your thick chest hair. My top leg was woven through your legs, your top leg was slung over my hip. My arm curved around your back and waist and yours around mine, holding our naked forms together, our flesh not knowing where one body begins and the other ends. It was completely dark in our bedroom with just the sound of the fan whirring in the background, the cool air blowing across the room at us. Your lips found mine, so soft, so moist, gently pressing against me, tasting me, drinking me in. And when you broke away awhile later you said, "It's amazing that it can still feel so good to kiss you after so much time..."
What can I say? When it's right, it's right. I've only been telling you for three years. It's been a week and a half since you asked me to stay, to stay well beyond our one year contract, with the promise that we'd work on building a future together. Our "temporary romance" no longer has an unknown but certain expiration date. I didn't know if I would ever see that day come. A year ago I would have bet my life it never would.
And then the magic words passed your lips. No, not "Ride my cock, baby," which you do say often and those words do sparkle like diamonds in my ears, but instead you uttered the words that really count, the ones you don't say unless you really mean it, right then and right there. You know, the "I love you" words, the ones that sound like a million angels' voices resonating throughout the heavens. The other sparkly words came soon after, following more kissing, our chests rising and falling in sync as the air we breathed and exhaled felt as if it was being channeled through the same passage.
I straddled you, my thighs spread, knees on either side of your hips. The moonlight caressed the curves of my breasts as I leaned toward you, your hungry mouth waiting to taste them. When I slid down onto you, there was no resistance, but I cried out at the sudden intensity of having you home again, buried inside me. It's amazing that it can still feel so good after so much time...
What can I say? When it's right, it's right.
What can I say? When it's right, it's right. I've only been telling you for three years. It's been a week and a half since you asked me to stay, to stay well beyond our one year contract, with the promise that we'd work on building a future together. Our "temporary romance" no longer has an unknown but certain expiration date. I didn't know if I would ever see that day come. A year ago I would have bet my life it never would.
And then the magic words passed your lips. No, not "Ride my cock, baby," which you do say often and those words do sparkle like diamonds in my ears, but instead you uttered the words that really count, the ones you don't say unless you really mean it, right then and right there. You know, the "I love you" words, the ones that sound like a million angels' voices resonating throughout the heavens. The other sparkly words came soon after, following more kissing, our chests rising and falling in sync as the air we breathed and exhaled felt as if it was being channeled through the same passage.
I straddled you, my thighs spread, knees on either side of your hips. The moonlight caressed the curves of my breasts as I leaned toward you, your hungry mouth waiting to taste them. When I slid down onto you, there was no resistance, but I cried out at the sudden intensity of having you home again, buried inside me. It's amazing that it can still feel so good after so much time...
What can I say? When it's right, it's right.
March 26, 2014
beautiful purgatory
It was the winter that it kept snowing
Oh, it was lovely at first of courseDiamonds in the trees, glitter on the lawn
But it was relentless, coming back again and again
Like a selfish tyrant
I kept waiting for the thaw, for Spring to stage her coup
To bear tender shoots
To cradle fragrant blossoms against her bosom
But she never came
I stood at your pearly gates begging you to let me in
But you said, no stand there awhile yet, be patient
I don't know if you're worthy
Just stay right here in this embrace
I'll keep you warm, you said
I thought you were my savior, I saidYou left me to shiver in the sparkling snow
Fighting the chill in the beautiful purgatory
We painted together.
Oh, it was lovely at first of courseDiamonds in the trees, glitter on the lawn
But it was relentless, coming back again and again
Like a selfish tyrant
I kept waiting for the thaw, for Spring to stage her coup
To bear tender shoots
To cradle fragrant blossoms against her bosom
But she never came
I stood at your pearly gates begging you to let me in
But you said, no stand there awhile yet, be patient
I don't know if you're worthy
Just stay right here in this embrace
I'll keep you warm, you said
I thought you were my savior, I saidYou left me to shiver in the sparkling snow
Fighting the chill in the beautiful purgatory
We painted together.
February 7, 2014
fake it till I make it
Note: I wrote this for my blog over on the adult site, but I thought it was worth sharing here as well :)
So I have this friend who is a photographer. He does mostly nature and journalistic type stuff and has provided me with many images for my book promotion (mainly photos to serve as backgrounds for "teasers," which have a bit of text from the book on them and help spark interest amongst readers.) He is trying to break into more portraiture and even boudoir photography. Guess who he wants to practice on?
It works out well because I need some new shots for my redesigned website that's coming soon. And also I have an idea for a cover for my upcoming project Unlaced.
BUT, and you knew there would be a big but, right? (and not just my own)
I have not been feeling at all photo-worthy in the last few months. I have had a lot of commenters asking if I've lost weight and the sad truth is that I have not. I have actually gained some weight since I left here (about 10 pounds I think and although not highly noticeable to most, it is VERY noticeable to me.) Add that to the fact that my face has been breaking out for the last couple of weeks and well, I'm feeling anything but confident right now.
I kept putting him off, every week rescheduling for the following week hoping that I would feel more like being in front of the camera. He's been extremely patient with me. This week I moved our shoot from Tuesday to today and I told him, "Look, just make me do it this time. This is more about you getting to practice than anything and well, if nothing else, you'll get a great opportunity to hone your photoshopping skills."
So I'm trying to get my house ready for that this morning but seriously? I am NOT feeling it. Maybe once I get my hair and makeup done and I'm all gussied up I'll feel sexy but I'm certainly not counting on it. Maybe when we lace up that corset (I haven't worn one for months), the sexiness will start oozing out of me but honestly, I highly doubt it.
I know I've gotten both kudos and criticisms for flaunting my body here, but the truth is that sometimes just making yourself show your body, even if it's not as perfect as you'd like is a good exercise toward acceptance. To hear that others approve is only icing on the cake. In the past, there was one particularly hateful commenter who posted really nasty, hurtful things about me being an attention whore and narcissist (plus I think she called me fat in every possible way) but that goes with the territory too.
I think it takes a lot of courage to show yourself off and to work toward acceptance. A lot of us cower away behind layers of fabric (and to be honest, that's what I've been doing the past several months) but now it's time for me to peel away the layers and find that essence of my beauty buried deep down there; it's not in my size, it's in the way I carry myself.
So today...I'm going to fake it till I make it.
So I have this friend who is a photographer. He does mostly nature and journalistic type stuff and has provided me with many images for my book promotion (mainly photos to serve as backgrounds for "teasers," which have a bit of text from the book on them and help spark interest amongst readers.) He is trying to break into more portraiture and even boudoir photography. Guess who he wants to practice on?
It works out well because I need some new shots for my redesigned website that's coming soon. And also I have an idea for a cover for my upcoming project Unlaced.
BUT, and you knew there would be a big but, right? (and not just my own)
I have not been feeling at all photo-worthy in the last few months. I have had a lot of commenters asking if I've lost weight and the sad truth is that I have not. I have actually gained some weight since I left here (about 10 pounds I think and although not highly noticeable to most, it is VERY noticeable to me.) Add that to the fact that my face has been breaking out for the last couple of weeks and well, I'm feeling anything but confident right now.
I kept putting him off, every week rescheduling for the following week hoping that I would feel more like being in front of the camera. He's been extremely patient with me. This week I moved our shoot from Tuesday to today and I told him, "Look, just make me do it this time. This is more about you getting to practice than anything and well, if nothing else, you'll get a great opportunity to hone your photoshopping skills."
So I'm trying to get my house ready for that this morning but seriously? I am NOT feeling it. Maybe once I get my hair and makeup done and I'm all gussied up I'll feel sexy but I'm certainly not counting on it. Maybe when we lace up that corset (I haven't worn one for months), the sexiness will start oozing out of me but honestly, I highly doubt it.
I know I've gotten both kudos and criticisms for flaunting my body here, but the truth is that sometimes just making yourself show your body, even if it's not as perfect as you'd like is a good exercise toward acceptance. To hear that others approve is only icing on the cake. In the past, there was one particularly hateful commenter who posted really nasty, hurtful things about me being an attention whore and narcissist (plus I think she called me fat in every possible way) but that goes with the territory too.
I think it takes a lot of courage to show yourself off and to work toward acceptance. A lot of us cower away behind layers of fabric (and to be honest, that's what I've been doing the past several months) but now it's time for me to peel away the layers and find that essence of my beauty buried deep down there; it's not in my size, it's in the way I carry myself.
So today...I'm going to fake it till I make it.
January 29, 2014
announcement!!! my next project
A couple of interesting tidbits for you this morning!
First of all, I was taken aback that just a short time after I'd titled my next project, a former blogging comrade from the adult site messaged me to ask if I'd come back to the site for a month of blogging called No Filter February. Considering the nature of my next project, I think the timing works very well. So if you followed me there, I hope you'll log on and read what I have to say next month! It will be fun to have a big blogging audience again.
So, without further delay, here's the title and synopsis of my next project!
Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age
COMING SUMMER 2014
Most women experience a series of typical rites of passage in their late teens and early twenties: losing their virginity, gaining independence from their parents, embarking upon careers, and often getting married and having babies. But increasingly, women are undergoing a second coming of age in their thirties and forties in which they discover their true selves and embrace their place in the world.
Phoebe Alexander found herself on the threshold of her second coming of age in her early thirties when she finally recognized her identity was much more than just wife, mother, professional, and churchgoer. After an affair, opening her marriage and exploring a playground of sexual fantasy, she eventually found her voice as a blogger on the largest adult site in the world. In four years of blogging, she amassed a large readership that followed her adventures and journey toward self-discovery and acceptance, which culminated in the publication of her first erotic romance novel in 2012.
In Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age, Phoebe's journey is documented through a series of blog posts that reveal her extraordinary encounters along with her deepest, darkest inner thoughts as she works toward reconciling her faith, motherhood, and body image with her newly found desire for sexual liberation.
What do you think?
First of all, I was taken aback that just a short time after I'd titled my next project, a former blogging comrade from the adult site messaged me to ask if I'd come back to the site for a month of blogging called No Filter February. Considering the nature of my next project, I think the timing works very well. So if you followed me there, I hope you'll log on and read what I have to say next month! It will be fun to have a big blogging audience again.
So, without further delay, here's the title and synopsis of my next project!
Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age
COMING SUMMER 2014
Most women experience a series of typical rites of passage in their late teens and early twenties: losing their virginity, gaining independence from their parents, embarking upon careers, and often getting married and having babies. But increasingly, women are undergoing a second coming of age in their thirties and forties in which they discover their true selves and embrace their place in the world.
Phoebe Alexander found herself on the threshold of her second coming of age in her early thirties when she finally recognized her identity was much more than just wife, mother, professional, and churchgoer. After an affair, opening her marriage and exploring a playground of sexual fantasy, she eventually found her voice as a blogger on the largest adult site in the world. In four years of blogging, she amassed a large readership that followed her adventures and journey toward self-discovery and acceptance, which culminated in the publication of her first erotic romance novel in 2012.
In Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age, Phoebe's journey is documented through a series of blog posts that reveal her extraordinary encounters along with her deepest, darkest inner thoughts as she works toward reconciling her faith, motherhood, and body image with her newly found desire for sexual liberation.
What do you think?
January 27, 2014
closing it up
I have written a great deal on open relationships throughout my time blogging and authoring novels. Longtime readers know I feel most humans are not cut out for monogamy and that I believe ethical non-monogamy can be the key to happy and healthy relationships. That said, I have also made it clear that open relationships are not for everyone, and even for a couple who wants non-monogamy, it's not always the right thing all the time.
I haven't been monogamous for nearly seven years now. Sure, there have been short periods (a month or two) where I didn't have any partners other than my primary so I was essentially monogamous during those times, but I didn't deliberately set out to be. Even my current partner and I have had months where we were only with each other, him more than me, but it was mostly because opportunities and schedules didn't avail themselves.
I moved in with him five months ago and I noticed within a month that we were having sex less frequently than when I was spending two to three nights a week with him. I was disheartened but everything else seemed to be on track, our relationship solidifying in all other aspects. We are learning to be a team. Getting this house redone to our liking is definitely a bonding experience and I have been really happy with the way we make decisions and agree on nearly everything. Some of other issues we had in the beginning have been worked out through lots of communication and compromise.
But, that waning fire and passion in the bedroom was still a source of contention. I don't want to go into great detail but I have felt undesired at times. I remember thinking a few weeks ago of my past status as a top-ranked sex blogger, sharing my lascivious escapades with thousands of people and posting erotic photos and videos that garnered millions of views and hundreds of comments from horny men all over the world. What happened to that woman? I had been told that I exude sex from every pore. And here I was feeling unwanted. It felt like I had taken giant steps backward.
After some tears and discussion I made a proposal to my lover that involved monogamy and cutting out porn and masturbation for a period of a month to allow us to reconnect without distraction or competition. A month is not very long, so I suggested we re-evaluate after that period of time to figure out our next step. We're only about a week in so far but things seem to be back on track if this past weekend is any indication. Of course, I know our history and things seem to follow a distinct peak and valley pattern (hence why the mountain metaphor worked so well in my books based on our relationship!) so we'll see what happens with his work schedule changing the next two weeks.
My point, and the reason that I'm sharing this with you is to let you know that even in open relationships, that especially in open relationships, your priorities have to be clear-cut and protectively honored. As much as he and I both enjoy getting to know other people and all the spice that variety offers, we have reached the point in our relationship (finally!) where we must hold each other closest. I'm glad we were able to recognize that that time had come.
Ever wonder how I got from Point A to here? That journey is the subject of my next book and I'll be revealing the title and more information in my next post later this week. Stay tuned!
I haven't been monogamous for nearly seven years now. Sure, there have been short periods (a month or two) where I didn't have any partners other than my primary so I was essentially monogamous during those times, but I didn't deliberately set out to be. Even my current partner and I have had months where we were only with each other, him more than me, but it was mostly because opportunities and schedules didn't avail themselves.
I moved in with him five months ago and I noticed within a month that we were having sex less frequently than when I was spending two to three nights a week with him. I was disheartened but everything else seemed to be on track, our relationship solidifying in all other aspects. We are learning to be a team. Getting this house redone to our liking is definitely a bonding experience and I have been really happy with the way we make decisions and agree on nearly everything. Some of other issues we had in the beginning have been worked out through lots of communication and compromise.
But, that waning fire and passion in the bedroom was still a source of contention. I don't want to go into great detail but I have felt undesired at times. I remember thinking a few weeks ago of my past status as a top-ranked sex blogger, sharing my lascivious escapades with thousands of people and posting erotic photos and videos that garnered millions of views and hundreds of comments from horny men all over the world. What happened to that woman? I had been told that I exude sex from every pore. And here I was feeling unwanted. It felt like I had taken giant steps backward.
After some tears and discussion I made a proposal to my lover that involved monogamy and cutting out porn and masturbation for a period of a month to allow us to reconnect without distraction or competition. A month is not very long, so I suggested we re-evaluate after that period of time to figure out our next step. We're only about a week in so far but things seem to be back on track if this past weekend is any indication. Of course, I know our history and things seem to follow a distinct peak and valley pattern (hence why the mountain metaphor worked so well in my books based on our relationship!) so we'll see what happens with his work schedule changing the next two weeks.
My point, and the reason that I'm sharing this with you is to let you know that even in open relationships, that especially in open relationships, your priorities have to be clear-cut and protectively honored. As much as he and I both enjoy getting to know other people and all the spice that variety offers, we have reached the point in our relationship (finally!) where we must hold each other closest. I'm glad we were able to recognize that that time had come.
Ever wonder how I got from Point A to here? That journey is the subject of my next book and I'll be revealing the title and more information in my next post later this week. Stay tuned!
January 22, 2014
a burning heat in the bitter, relentless cold
I'm home alone today, somewhat snowed in, my partner having gone back to work and my children having gone to their father's after 5 days here. Needless to say, it's quiet. So quiet I can hear my brain grinding through its hundred or so concurrent cycles of linear and non-linear thoughts.
I'm sitting in the living room in polar bear fleece pajama bottoms, a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks, but I'm still freezing as this window I'm by is quite drafty. There are shadows from the magnolia and other trees, their thick blue limbs swaying across the sparkling snow. The magnolia's waxy green leaves are caked with clumps of the white stuff and I feel sorry for it because it didn't really bargain for this type of weather.
There are days when it's so quiet here and I'm forced to listen to way more of my internal dialogue than I'm used to that I look around this house and gasp with disbelief. I was just reading through blog posts from last spring when I thought the demise of my relationship with my lover/partner was imminent, and there was such a deep and profound sadness to my writing, the building tide of impending heartbreak.
And yet, we endured. He chose me. And he reminds me of this all the time.
As many times as I've expressed my disbelief and wonderment, I still feel it so so strongly that it feels new every day. When I'm cleaning up the kitchen for the millionth time (a mess he made) or picking up the towels he left in the living room or the dirty socks he stripped off after a long day at work, I remind myself that this is what I wanted, this is what I longed for with every fiber of my being. And so I complete the tasks with a gratitude I doubt he will ever fully comprehend. Because tonight, lying in his strong arms next to his warm body will be all the repayment I could ever desire.
Someday I'd like to try to paint a picture of this devotion, of the depths of my love for him through some of my characters. But, honestly, I just don't know if it's possible to convey it, it burns so hotly. Not that I won't try.
I am starting Chapter Six of Fisher of Men and I have already decided my next project. Stay tuned for an announcement about that and an official release date for FOM. And in the meantime, stay warm and hold your loved one(s) close to your heart. Nothing is warmer than love.
I'm sitting in the living room in polar bear fleece pajama bottoms, a sweatshirt and fuzzy socks, but I'm still freezing as this window I'm by is quite drafty. There are shadows from the magnolia and other trees, their thick blue limbs swaying across the sparkling snow. The magnolia's waxy green leaves are caked with clumps of the white stuff and I feel sorry for it because it didn't really bargain for this type of weather.
There are days when it's so quiet here and I'm forced to listen to way more of my internal dialogue than I'm used to that I look around this house and gasp with disbelief. I was just reading through blog posts from last spring when I thought the demise of my relationship with my lover/partner was imminent, and there was such a deep and profound sadness to my writing, the building tide of impending heartbreak.
And yet, we endured. He chose me. And he reminds me of this all the time.
As many times as I've expressed my disbelief and wonderment, I still feel it so so strongly that it feels new every day. When I'm cleaning up the kitchen for the millionth time (a mess he made) or picking up the towels he left in the living room or the dirty socks he stripped off after a long day at work, I remind myself that this is what I wanted, this is what I longed for with every fiber of my being. And so I complete the tasks with a gratitude I doubt he will ever fully comprehend. Because tonight, lying in his strong arms next to his warm body will be all the repayment I could ever desire.
Someday I'd like to try to paint a picture of this devotion, of the depths of my love for him through some of my characters. But, honestly, I just don't know if it's possible to convey it, it burns so hotly. Not that I won't try.
I am starting Chapter Six of Fisher of Men and I have already decided my next project. Stay tuned for an announcement about that and an official release date for FOM. And in the meantime, stay warm and hold your loved one(s) close to your heart. Nothing is warmer than love.
December 31, 2013
the clichéd new years post
For the record, I hate anything clichéd but here I am taking stock of 2013 and looking forward to 2014. Aren't we all?
2013 was a bit of a roller coaster for me. If you would have told me on 12/31/12 that I'd be resigning from my job and living with my lover by 12/31/13, I would have passed out from shock. But here we are. I've been here with him for 4 months now and it's mostly been domestic bliss :) I'm job hunting and hoping I don't have to move from the area just when I'm finally getting what I've dreamed of for nearly three years.
He and I will celebrate our third anniversary on 1/17. I still reflect back to that simple coffee date with disbelief that all of this could have started there. Just like Mountains Wanted was born from a simple conversation over pizza about what if I proved erotica could be realistic and engaging and well-written? But I think both of those things were meant to happen just as they did.
I have learned so much from him and our relationship, and I have gathered the courage and the drive to write again. I always credit him and the 4+ years I spent blogging on the adult site for inspiring me to write. I published two novels in 2013 and am working hard on my next for release in early 2014.
I can't even begin to fathom the wild things that might be in store for me in the new year. I'm hoping for at least two books, a new job and a trip to Italy. I'm hoping for a finalized divorce and part of me dares to dream of an engagement ring on my finger by this time next year. But I'm not holding my breath. LOL
Thank you to everyone who has supported me this year whether it was by reading my books, leaving reviews, following me on social media or just being my friend. A simple thank you doesn't seem like nearly enough to express my gratitude, but words are the best tools I have at my disposal. Just know that I wish you and yours all the best in the new year.
All my love,
Phoebe
2013 was a bit of a roller coaster for me. If you would have told me on 12/31/12 that I'd be resigning from my job and living with my lover by 12/31/13, I would have passed out from shock. But here we are. I've been here with him for 4 months now and it's mostly been domestic bliss :) I'm job hunting and hoping I don't have to move from the area just when I'm finally getting what I've dreamed of for nearly three years.
He and I will celebrate our third anniversary on 1/17. I still reflect back to that simple coffee date with disbelief that all of this could have started there. Just like Mountains Wanted was born from a simple conversation over pizza about what if I proved erotica could be realistic and engaging and well-written? But I think both of those things were meant to happen just as they did.
I have learned so much from him and our relationship, and I have gathered the courage and the drive to write again. I always credit him and the 4+ years I spent blogging on the adult site for inspiring me to write. I published two novels in 2013 and am working hard on my next for release in early 2014.
I can't even begin to fathom the wild things that might be in store for me in the new year. I'm hoping for at least two books, a new job and a trip to Italy. I'm hoping for a finalized divorce and part of me dares to dream of an engagement ring on my finger by this time next year. But I'm not holding my breath. LOL
Thank you to everyone who has supported me this year whether it was by reading my books, leaving reviews, following me on social media or just being my friend. A simple thank you doesn't seem like nearly enough to express my gratitude, but words are the best tools I have at my disposal. Just know that I wish you and yours all the best in the new year.
All my love,
Phoebe
