Phoebe Alexander's Blog, page 4
November 3, 2014
did I mention the hot sex?
I tend to be one of those people who puts too many irons in the fire all at once. Between my fiance, my kids, my job, the new vegan diet, my myriad blogs, trying to circumvent the inevitable entropy that is my house, and coming up with excuses to avoid exercising, I'm pretty maxed out. I seem to remember that I am also supposed to be a novelist. Or so my Twitter (@mountainswanted) says. Of course, it also says I like cake. Seems so much easier to live up to that claim!
This weekend a girlfriend of mine texted to ask where a particular quote was in one of my books. I actually borrowed the quote from her (with her permission, of course.) I had no idea off the top of my head, but I knew it was in Mountains Climbed, (Book #2 of my Mountains Series) so I pulled out my phone and searched the book on my Kindle app. It's in Chapter 14, when James comes back from Afghanistan and wants to see Sarah, but she isn't sure it's a good idea. Her best friend sums up what's at stake:
"Oh, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah," Rachel finally admonished her. "Don't you know? Talking leads to seeing...and seeing leads to fucking."
When my girlfriend said that a couple of years ago now, she was referring to her "man of the moment" and what would happen if he talked to his ex.
I had to laugh reading through that passage. My writing seems only vaguely familiar at times. It's like reading something you used to love years ago, but now it doesn't resonate quite the same way. I wonder if other writers feel that way too. It's like the words once gestated in my mind, but grew up to have their own lives with their own meanings. Sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse.
That's when I know I'm not quite there yet. And that the closer I get, the farther I have to go.
In any case, I've taken too long of a break from novel writing. It's time to dig back in. Sometimes I throw all those words out into the arena and wait. And wait and wait. And nothing seems to happen. Then I'll do a promotion here or there and suddenly there's a tiny spark. A seed is planted. I get a review, an email, something that lets me know people are out there reading my words. I have that renewed sense that I should go once more unto the breach.
And so I'm doing my annual fall promotion over at Amazon. My Mountains Series books are on sale for 99 cents from November 5-7th. If you've never read them, the storyline will sound vaguely familiar as it (very) loosely follows the story of my fiance and me. You really can't get much better value than 110K words for less than a buck! Did I mention there's hot sex scenes too?
So, what do you think when it comes to exes: Does talking lead to seeing which then leads to fucking? Inquiring minds want to know!
This weekend a girlfriend of mine texted to ask where a particular quote was in one of my books. I actually borrowed the quote from her (with her permission, of course.) I had no idea off the top of my head, but I knew it was in Mountains Climbed, (Book #2 of my Mountains Series) so I pulled out my phone and searched the book on my Kindle app. It's in Chapter 14, when James comes back from Afghanistan and wants to see Sarah, but she isn't sure it's a good idea. Her best friend sums up what's at stake:
"Oh, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah," Rachel finally admonished her. "Don't you know? Talking leads to seeing...and seeing leads to fucking."
When my girlfriend said that a couple of years ago now, she was referring to her "man of the moment" and what would happen if he talked to his ex.
I had to laugh reading through that passage. My writing seems only vaguely familiar at times. It's like reading something you used to love years ago, but now it doesn't resonate quite the same way. I wonder if other writers feel that way too. It's like the words once gestated in my mind, but grew up to have their own lives with their own meanings. Sometimes for better, and sometimes for worse.
That's when I know I'm not quite there yet. And that the closer I get, the farther I have to go.
In any case, I've taken too long of a break from novel writing. It's time to dig back in. Sometimes I throw all those words out into the arena and wait. And wait and wait. And nothing seems to happen. Then I'll do a promotion here or there and suddenly there's a tiny spark. A seed is planted. I get a review, an email, something that lets me know people are out there reading my words. I have that renewed sense that I should go once more unto the breach.
And so I'm doing my annual fall promotion over at Amazon. My Mountains Series books are on sale for 99 cents from November 5-7th. If you've never read them, the storyline will sound vaguely familiar as it (very) loosely follows the story of my fiance and me. You really can't get much better value than 110K words for less than a buck! Did I mention there's hot sex scenes too?
So, what do you think when it comes to exes: Does talking lead to seeing which then leads to fucking? Inquiring minds want to know!
October 27, 2014
take care of myself? what does that even mean?
So, I know I'm engaged and all, but I'm still keeping tabs on my dating site profile. Partially for the warm glow I get from all the flattering messages, and partially for the unparalleled free entertainment. Where else can I get a barrage of messages that range from "u r hott" to "Hi! I'd like to have sex with you!" to "I am saddened to have been circumcised?"
(I'm not even kidding, by the way. Those are all *first* messages I've received in the past few days.)
In any case, online dating will play a big role in my next novel Fat Girl, so I figure it behooves me to at least sit on the sidelines and observe the game. I rarely answer any messages, and my profile states I'm engaged and simply searching for friends. I look at a lot of men's profiles to get an idea of what they're searching for too. Solely for research purposes, of course!
Lately, I've been seeing the following euphemism to express desire for slim, athletic or fit women: "I want a woman who takes care of herself." I am not sure how I know that's what they really mean, but it's obvious to me that it is. Do you get that impression too? Have you seen this phenomenon?
I want a woman who takes care of herself.
Because a woman carrying some extra pounds clearly doesn't take care of herself, right? She probably stuffs her face with disgusting fat and sugar-laden chemically processed junk all the time, chain-smokes, and never moves her fat ass off the couch. She probably doesn't shower. Or wash her hair. Or clip her toenails. She probably wears dirty clothes and her waj undoubtedly reeks.
Yeah, well, fuck that shit.
I may weigh over 200 pounds, but I eat a vegan diet and go to the gym several times a week. I have no chronic health issues. I don't take any medications regularly. My blood pressure is perfect as is my blood sugar and cholesterol. I'm well-groomed 99% of the time and even match my bra and panties to my outfits. I smell good too, dammit.
But I have a feeling if I contacted one of the men who wants a woman 'who takes care of herself," I would not be their cup of tea.
And you know what? Speaking of euphemisms, I like to say "I took care of myself" when I really mean that I masturbated. So if that's what these guys mean by a woman who takes care of herself, I most certainly fit the bill.
How about you?
(I'm not even kidding, by the way. Those are all *first* messages I've received in the past few days.)
In any case, online dating will play a big role in my next novel Fat Girl, so I figure it behooves me to at least sit on the sidelines and observe the game. I rarely answer any messages, and my profile states I'm engaged and simply searching for friends. I look at a lot of men's profiles to get an idea of what they're searching for too. Solely for research purposes, of course!
Lately, I've been seeing the following euphemism to express desire for slim, athletic or fit women: "I want a woman who takes care of herself." I am not sure how I know that's what they really mean, but it's obvious to me that it is. Do you get that impression too? Have you seen this phenomenon?
I want a woman who takes care of herself.
Because a woman carrying some extra pounds clearly doesn't take care of herself, right? She probably stuffs her face with disgusting fat and sugar-laden chemically processed junk all the time, chain-smokes, and never moves her fat ass off the couch. She probably doesn't shower. Or wash her hair. Or clip her toenails. She probably wears dirty clothes and her waj undoubtedly reeks.
Yeah, well, fuck that shit.
I may weigh over 200 pounds, but I eat a vegan diet and go to the gym several times a week. I have no chronic health issues. I don't take any medications regularly. My blood pressure is perfect as is my blood sugar and cholesterol. I'm well-groomed 99% of the time and even match my bra and panties to my outfits. I smell good too, dammit.
But I have a feeling if I contacted one of the men who wants a woman 'who takes care of herself," I would not be their cup of tea.
And you know what? Speaking of euphemisms, I like to say "I took care of myself" when I really mean that I masturbated. So if that's what these guys mean by a woman who takes care of herself, I most certainly fit the bill.
How about you?
September 29, 2014
I would have settled for just one promise
There's a blog post written by a Christian pastor making the rounds on the intrawebz this week. Read here: http://www.gaystarnews.com/article/read-what-christian-pastor-promises-do-if-his-children-are-gay270914 In it, he makes four promises about what he'll do if he finds out either of his children are gay.
1. He promises not to keep it a secret or to share it in whispers like it's some sort of disease.
2. He promises to pray for them - and NOT that they will be miraculously turned straight, but to pray for them to be accepted and loved for who they are and with no regard to their sexual orientation.
3. He promises to love them, and not in a distant hands-off sort of way, but in a relentless, unapologetic, lavish way, not in spite or because of their sexuality but simply because they are his children.
4. He promises to remember that they didn't "turn" gay, that if that is their orientation, they are gay right now and they are currently just smaller versions of the adults they will someday be.
I broke down crying while reading this.
Many of you know that my family has ostracized me after learning I am polyamorous and write erotica. Many of you also know that my parents are conservative, fundamentalist Christians and my father just retired from his ministry at the church I grew up in.
It's been about six weeks now since I sent my mom an email outlining the reasons I don't feel comfortable coming to visit them anymore, not the least of which is that my brother outright disowned me, as did my sister, and no one seemed to think that was a problem or that they acted poorly toward me (my brother called me a selfish bitch and accused me of abandoning my children when I separated from their father, from whom I am now divorced.) I wrote my mom this email telling her how sad I was that I couldn't be loved and accepted as I am by my family. And how sad I was that they enabled my siblings to treat me with such hate and disrespect, especially over something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
But there are crickets chirping in my inbox. My mother never replied. In the meantime, she sends my kids cards to their father's address on occasion and posts every once in awhile on their bacefook walls. But she has no words for me, her firstborn, when once she promised me she would love me unconditionally.
It hurts so bad to think I'm not important enough for her to want to work through this. To have the tough discussions and figure out where we can go from here, what common ground we can build on. I would have loved to have just one of these promises this incredible pastor made publicly to his children, just one. But instead, there's only silence.
1. He promises not to keep it a secret or to share it in whispers like it's some sort of disease.
2. He promises to pray for them - and NOT that they will be miraculously turned straight, but to pray for them to be accepted and loved for who they are and with no regard to their sexual orientation.
3. He promises to love them, and not in a distant hands-off sort of way, but in a relentless, unapologetic, lavish way, not in spite or because of their sexuality but simply because they are his children.
4. He promises to remember that they didn't "turn" gay, that if that is their orientation, they are gay right now and they are currently just smaller versions of the adults they will someday be.
I broke down crying while reading this.
Many of you know that my family has ostracized me after learning I am polyamorous and write erotica. Many of you also know that my parents are conservative, fundamentalist Christians and my father just retired from his ministry at the church I grew up in.
It's been about six weeks now since I sent my mom an email outlining the reasons I don't feel comfortable coming to visit them anymore, not the least of which is that my brother outright disowned me, as did my sister, and no one seemed to think that was a problem or that they acted poorly toward me (my brother called me a selfish bitch and accused me of abandoning my children when I separated from their father, from whom I am now divorced.) I wrote my mom this email telling her how sad I was that I couldn't be loved and accepted as I am by my family. And how sad I was that they enabled my siblings to treat me with such hate and disrespect, especially over something that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
But there are crickets chirping in my inbox. My mother never replied. In the meantime, she sends my kids cards to their father's address on occasion and posts every once in awhile on their bacefook walls. But she has no words for me, her firstborn, when once she promised me she would love me unconditionally.
It hurts so bad to think I'm not important enough for her to want to work through this. To have the tough discussions and figure out where we can go from here, what common ground we can build on. I would have loved to have just one of these promises this incredible pastor made publicly to his children, just one. But instead, there's only silence.
September 11, 2014
doubly shamed
As a bigger woman who also enjoys sex I can identify with all the things I've read lately regarding Fat Shaming and Slut Shaming. From the article I read about the bigger girl in a Lara Croft costume whose photo went viral, garnering mean-spirited and hurtful comments about her size and how she had no business wearing that costume, to the hacking of all the nude celebrity photos, to which many responses had an air of "only sluts take nude photos and sext them to their partners."
So imagine the public outrage that I should be both fat AND a slut. I mean, really, how dare I? I must be the Penultimate Pariah.
I remember a man on here years ago who blogged that overweight people having sex is downright nasty. He even went as far as to assert that fat women having sex was being disrespectful to the beautiful act that is sex. You can imagine that I had some choice words for that asshat, which I believe will appear in my upcoming book [I]Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age.
[/I]
And let's face it, people who Fat and Slut Shame can claim to have science on their side. They can make the argument that fat people are unhealthy and that society shouldn't embrace or promote lifestyles that may result in heart disease, diabetes, cancer, etc. They can argue that sluts are out spreading STI's and obviously have no self-respect. All with disregard to the fact that some fat people (myself included) work out regularly, try to stick to a healthy diet, and have no chronic illnesses. Or that swingers and other sexually open-minded people are often among the most careful and strict in their pursuit of safer sex.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I do know that I've read a lot of "stuff" out there that addresses and speaks out against Fat and Slut Shaming. And I'm hoping that these dialogues continue, and that maybe someone will even address the intersection of these two "public shames" like I have here. Because despite society's efforts to make me feel otherwise, I'm not too inclined to feel ashamed of either my body or my libido. And I am pretty confident I'm not the only one who feels that way.
What are your thoughts?
So imagine the public outrage that I should be both fat AND a slut. I mean, really, how dare I? I must be the Penultimate Pariah.
I remember a man on here years ago who blogged that overweight people having sex is downright nasty. He even went as far as to assert that fat women having sex was being disrespectful to the beautiful act that is sex. You can imagine that I had some choice words for that asshat, which I believe will appear in my upcoming book [I]Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age.
[/I]
And let's face it, people who Fat and Slut Shame can claim to have science on their side. They can make the argument that fat people are unhealthy and that society shouldn't embrace or promote lifestyles that may result in heart disease, diabetes, cancer, etc. They can argue that sluts are out spreading STI's and obviously have no self-respect. All with disregard to the fact that some fat people (myself included) work out regularly, try to stick to a healthy diet, and have no chronic illnesses. Or that swingers and other sexually open-minded people are often among the most careful and strict in their pursuit of safer sex.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I do know that I've read a lot of "stuff" out there that addresses and speaks out against Fat and Slut Shaming. And I'm hoping that these dialogues continue, and that maybe someone will even address the intersection of these two "public shames" like I have here. Because despite society's efforts to make me feel otherwise, I'm not too inclined to feel ashamed of either my body or my libido. And I am pretty confident I'm not the only one who feels that way.
What are your thoughts?
August 19, 2014
engaging
So on this last day of my 30's, I'm thinking a lot about how my life has changed over the past year. On my birthday last year I was job hunting, unsure about my future with Andrew, and scrambling to get Green Castles published on time. Now I have four books on Amazon, I'm employed, and I couldn't be happier living with my man. It's been a good year! But I have every confidence that my 40s will be full of even better things.
I've also been thinking a lot about marriage. I have pinned approximately a zillion wedding things I like on Pinterest even though I'm not yet engaged. I feel it's imminent though; Andrew has said as much. I really don't understand how getting engaged, at least for heterosexual couples, is still the same as it was decades ago.
1. Men are still expected to "pop the question."
2. Bonus points if it's a surprise or done outlandishly.
3. Woman receives an engagement ring.
This is baffling to me. Why should men get to decide? Why does it have to be when *they* are ready? I guess that old-fashioned, sexist view of the man dragging his feet and being a commitment-phobe still exists.
Why does it need to be over-the-top and a surprise? To have something worth instagraming? Why is the engagement ring still such a huge deal? Two months' salary is the traditional amount to be budgeted. Not that Andrew is rich but two months' salary would buy me a pretty kick-ass ring. Is it two months before or after taxes? Is that a way of "placing me in layaway," a collateral of sorts? Or proving to me that he's serious?
Don't even get me started with the ridiculous amounts spent on weddings.
I just don't understand why in this age of Girl Power and Glass Ceiling Shattering that we still do it this way. I guess we're all still princesses waiting for our princes to choose us, to want to make us their queens.
So yes, I'm still waiting for the question to be popped.
August 3, 2014
would it be wrong?
This post originally appeared on my AFF blog and will be included in my upcoming memoir, Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age.
August 11, 2009would it be wrong?...to schedule a playdate tonight just so I have a man in the house to save me from the bat that has tormented me the last two nights?Saturday night when the bat first made an appearance, my husband was home, and we contained the bat in two rooms along with our cat. Our cat is completely worthless, it turns out. So yesterday morning, we could find no traces of the bat after scouring the house. Last night, I was expecting it to re-emerge, so I had a ton of lights on and was armed with a tennis racket, which we have learned from past experience is an effective bat-ridding device.So, I stayed up until about midnight and finally started to get drowsy after I got myself off with my vibrator. I had just began to snooze when I heard the power shut off, rendering it PITCH black in our house. I scrambled for my phone which I've been known to use as a flashlight in a pinch. I laid there for about 15 minutes until I heard footsteps and a small voice calling out, "Mom?" It was my oldest son. He climbed into bed with me as I scanned the perimeter of the room with my "phonelight." Sure enough, I saw a dark form swooping about the room. We quickly got under the covers.So the power stayed off for an hour and a half. For no reason, by the way, except to enhance our already scary experience, apparently. We finally found a flashlight and ventured out into the living room. On the first reconnaissance mission, there was no sign of the bat. My stupid cat didn't mind chasing the light of the flashlight, but she wouldn't lift a paw to help find the bat. During the second recon mission, the bat appeared, swooping erratically through the living room as I tried to follow it with the flashlight. My son was screaming like a girl (he's 12) and swinging the tennis racket wildly at the bat, but couldn't quite seem to make contact. Of course, it's hard to hit something flying all crazy in the dark! Finally the bat flew into the curtain and seemed to drop. My son ran back to my bedroom and I followed. We sealed ourselves in and finally the lights came back on about 20 minutes later. We went on a third recon mission and thoroughly investigated the area by the windows but, alas, there was no sign of the creature. We never could find it again.So here I am at work, on Monday morning, running on 3 hours of sleep. I'm probably going to be too tired to actually play tonight but I sure wish I had someone to keep me company, particularly someone adept with a tennis racket.
August 11, 2009would it be wrong?...to schedule a playdate tonight just so I have a man in the house to save me from the bat that has tormented me the last two nights?Saturday night when the bat first made an appearance, my husband was home, and we contained the bat in two rooms along with our cat. Our cat is completely worthless, it turns out. So yesterday morning, we could find no traces of the bat after scouring the house. Last night, I was expecting it to re-emerge, so I had a ton of lights on and was armed with a tennis racket, which we have learned from past experience is an effective bat-ridding device.So, I stayed up until about midnight and finally started to get drowsy after I got myself off with my vibrator. I had just began to snooze when I heard the power shut off, rendering it PITCH black in our house. I scrambled for my phone which I've been known to use as a flashlight in a pinch. I laid there for about 15 minutes until I heard footsteps and a small voice calling out, "Mom?" It was my oldest son. He climbed into bed with me as I scanned the perimeter of the room with my "phonelight." Sure enough, I saw a dark form swooping about the room. We quickly got under the covers.So the power stayed off for an hour and a half. For no reason, by the way, except to enhance our already scary experience, apparently. We finally found a flashlight and ventured out into the living room. On the first reconnaissance mission, there was no sign of the bat. My stupid cat didn't mind chasing the light of the flashlight, but she wouldn't lift a paw to help find the bat. During the second recon mission, the bat appeared, swooping erratically through the living room as I tried to follow it with the flashlight. My son was screaming like a girl (he's 12) and swinging the tennis racket wildly at the bat, but couldn't quite seem to make contact. Of course, it's hard to hit something flying all crazy in the dark! Finally the bat flew into the curtain and seemed to drop. My son ran back to my bedroom and I followed. We sealed ourselves in and finally the lights came back on about 20 minutes later. We went on a third recon mission and thoroughly investigated the area by the windows but, alas, there was no sign of the creature. We never could find it again.So here I am at work, on Monday morning, running on 3 hours of sleep. I'm probably going to be too tired to actually play tonight but I sure wish I had someone to keep me company, particularly someone adept with a tennis racket.
July 17, 2014
three and a half years and I'm still optimistic
I've shared with many of you how the Mountains Series is a metaphor for my relationship with my partner. Like James and Sarah, my partner and I met for coffee at a joint that was my inspiration for Java the Hut in Mountains Wanted, the main difference being it was our first time meeting in person. Our first date was exactly three and a half years ago today. Combing my aff blog for posts for Unlaced: A Second Coming of Age, I came across the post I wrote the day after I met him.
Here it is:
January 18, 2011
optimistic
I think I must be like a cat in heat, emitting some sort of cyber-signal that I need fucked. In the past few days, I've gotten tons of emails, met one new person for coffee, set up two playdates, and gotten multiple texts from old FWB's expressing interest in getting together. How can I go months without having any playdates and then all the sudden everyone wants to play THIS WEEK?
It always happens this way! Feast or famine. Flood or drought. Never fails.
I was thinking about how I've had another long period of time during which I haven't blogged about sex. Last time I noticed this trend, I was encouraged by my readers to share some of my adventures. Well, you have to actually be *having* adventures to share them!
I was hoping for a great story from the swing club on Saturday, but I'm going to be honest, I wasn't feeling it. Not feeling it seemed to be the theme of last week. It was great to see my friends and I had a good time, but after 3 hours, I started developing a headache and frankly, I was kind of bored. So we left.
I got in the car and checked my phone. A friend had left a text that basically said, "I want you." And that seemed to be the catalyst for the rest of the interactions I've had in the past 4 days.
I'm not complaining though!
I'm trying to be optimistic, but keeping my expectations low so I don't set myself up for disappointment, especially with the new guy I met yesterday, who seems to be exactly what I've been looking for. Isn't that the finest line? Which side of it do you walk on?
Here it is:
January 18, 2011
optimistic
I think I must be like a cat in heat, emitting some sort of cyber-signal that I need fucked. In the past few days, I've gotten tons of emails, met one new person for coffee, set up two playdates, and gotten multiple texts from old FWB's expressing interest in getting together. How can I go months without having any playdates and then all the sudden everyone wants to play THIS WEEK?
It always happens this way! Feast or famine. Flood or drought. Never fails.
I was thinking about how I've had another long period of time during which I haven't blogged about sex. Last time I noticed this trend, I was encouraged by my readers to share some of my adventures. Well, you have to actually be *having* adventures to share them!
I was hoping for a great story from the swing club on Saturday, but I'm going to be honest, I wasn't feeling it. Not feeling it seemed to be the theme of last week. It was great to see my friends and I had a good time, but after 3 hours, I started developing a headache and frankly, I was kind of bored. So we left.
I got in the car and checked my phone. A friend had left a text that basically said, "I want you." And that seemed to be the catalyst for the rest of the interactions I've had in the past 4 days.
I'm not complaining though!
I'm trying to be optimistic, but keeping my expectations low so I don't set myself up for disappointment, especially with the new guy I met yesterday, who seems to be exactly what I've been looking for. Isn't that the finest line? Which side of it do you walk on? July 13, 2014
mountains wanted
I'm turning 40 in T minus 38 days.
I had originally planned a trip to Italy to visit friends, but due to passport issues (as in my partner never got his act together to apply for his) and lack of funds (not working for a year will do that to you), I'm going to have to postpone that trip until Spring.
I did have a little money saved for my share of the Italy trip and it is enough to still go somewhere, just not overseas and not for two weeks.
So I was trying to figure out where I want to go. I think turning 40 is a pretty momentous occasion so I wanted to go someplace that is meaningful to me. Yesterday in the bathtub, the perfect destination came to me: the mountains. Specifically Colorado.
I have used the mountains metaphor for my relationship with my partner over the past 3.5 years and I even wrote two novels using that metaphor: Mountains Wanted and Mountains Climbed (Mountains Loved will be released next year). In the book, the main male character James (his counterpart) first professes his love for the main female character Sarah (my counterpart) in Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, which is one of my absolute most favorite and soul-affirming places on the planet.
After all I've been through, after all the mountains I've climbed in the past several years, it seems more than fitting than to journey there to celebrate my birthday.
We're not able to go until October (when he has vacation) but I think it will be a magical place to celebrate the beginning of my next decade. Plus I can do a little bit of research for Mountains Loved and write off some of the travel expenses.
I was heartbroken when I realized that I wasn't going to be able to go to Italy but this is more than a consolation. I just reviewed all my photos from the last time I was there in 2009 and I can't wait to go back. Kinda that whole closed door, open window thing, right?
I had originally planned a trip to Italy to visit friends, but due to passport issues (as in my partner never got his act together to apply for his) and lack of funds (not working for a year will do that to you), I'm going to have to postpone that trip until Spring.
I did have a little money saved for my share of the Italy trip and it is enough to still go somewhere, just not overseas and not for two weeks.
So I was trying to figure out where I want to go. I think turning 40 is a pretty momentous occasion so I wanted to go someplace that is meaningful to me. Yesterday in the bathtub, the perfect destination came to me: the mountains. Specifically Colorado.
I have used the mountains metaphor for my relationship with my partner over the past 3.5 years and I even wrote two novels using that metaphor: Mountains Wanted and Mountains Climbed (Mountains Loved will be released next year). In the book, the main male character James (his counterpart) first professes his love for the main female character Sarah (my counterpart) in Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, which is one of my absolute most favorite and soul-affirming places on the planet.
After all I've been through, after all the mountains I've climbed in the past several years, it seems more than fitting than to journey there to celebrate my birthday.
We're not able to go until October (when he has vacation) but I think it will be a magical place to celebrate the beginning of my next decade. Plus I can do a little bit of research for Mountains Loved and write off some of the travel expenses.
I was heartbroken when I realized that I wasn't going to be able to go to Italy but this is more than a consolation. I just reviewed all my photos from the last time I was there in 2009 and I can't wait to go back. Kinda that whole closed door, open window thing, right?
June 28, 2014
on being Christian and loving sex
I've had a lot of things stewing in my mind this month, especially with the publication of Fisher of Men, which is about a Christian girl who gets caught up in the swinger lifestyle, and my family's discovery of my alternative lifestyle and erotica writing. I'm not going to say "recent discovery" - even though it's just become news to me - because it has come to light that many of my family members have known for well over a year but chose to talk about it behind my back instead of just asking me about it, but that's a whole other rant and we only have time for one rant today.
So, let's get this out of the way up front. I like sex, a lot, and I like to write about it. Sometimes that sex is with more than one person. That's basically my family's beef with me, and what caused my mother to write me a letter condemning my sexual immorality yet reminding me that Jesus can forgive my sin if only I repent and turn from my evil ways.
You know, it kinda sucks to be a Christian right now. Many times when I tell someone I am Christian, they give me this dismissive "Oh boy, one of those wackos" looks. I'm not ashamed to be a Christian, but my so-called fellow Christians have alienated so many people with their intolerance that I know I'm being painted with the same brush. But I'm not giving up on my faith because I really do believe in loving people. And hopefully I can do my part to change a few people's perceptions about Christians through my words and actions.
And speaking of that alienation and intolerance, I have been thinking a lot about how Jesus' whole platform was inclusiveness and love. There are so many things going on in churches across the country, being talked about on Fox News and amongst what some people would term the “religious right” that I just don't get. I don't understand how someone can read the Bible I read and come to the same conclusions about some of this stuff. Would you like to hear some examples?
Capitalism and Greed
I am pretty certain Jesus said: "...go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me" (Matthew 19:21 NIV). Does that sound like "make as much money as you can and figure out all the tax loopholes so that you're paying the same percentage in taxes as someone who makes a tiny fraction of your salary?” Does it say to support huge corporations who flood the government with money so that politicians make decisions that benefit the huge corporations instead of common folks? Does it say to keep voting against raising minimum wage so that people working in retail and the service industry are forced to subsidize their income with government assistance while the presidents of their companies are raking in millions or billions of dollars?
Folks, I hate to be the one to shout here, but Jesus was WAY closer to being a socialist than He was a capitalist. I challenge you to find me Bible verses where Jesus encourages greed, government corruption and constantly shitting on the poor.
Let's all have guns! More guns for everyone! Don't take away our guns!
What would Jesus say about guns? Well, I seem to remember Him saying, "...do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." (Matthew 5:39 NIV) which obviously means "If anyone gives you trouble, just shoot them." Since these gun-toting "Christians" are so into literal Biblical translations about other things, and they didn't have guns in Jesus' time, why don't we abandon guns for more a more biblical standard of violence and punishment such as stoning and crucifixion? Don't try to take away their stones and crosses either, liberals!
Purity Rings and Daughters Belonging to Their Fathers Until Marriage
There is so, so much wrong in this concept, I don't even know where to start. So, back in the Old Testament, men were pretty much allowed to bang any woman they bought, be it a wife or a concubine or their wife's servant or whoever. As long as she belonged to him, it was kosher. Women were property, first belonging to their fathers and then belonging to their husbands.
This whole concept of giving a teenage girl a purity ring and telling her she belongs to her daddy until she is given away to another man is like stepping back millennia for women. Why stop at the ring? Why not include some cattle and maybe throw in a donkey or two when you ask for a woman's hand in marriage? I mean, we want to be biblically accurate, right?
And for even more biblical accuracy, why don't we go ahead and start getting married at 12 again?
Gay Marriage and Pretty Much Any other Form of Sex That is Not Reproductive
Another thing I fail to understand about the religious right is why they care so much about what is going on in other people's bedrooms. I seem to remember another verse saying something along the lines of “Do not judge, or you too will be judged" (Matthew 7:1 NIV).
Oh, I know, you are going to argue that the Bible says homosexuality (and many other forms of so-called sexual immorality) is wrong! You know what else the Bible says?
"When a woman has a discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days; and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening. Everything also on which she lies during her menstrual impurity shall be unclean, and everything on which she sits shall be unclean.…" (Leviticus 15:19-20). So if you want to be all biblical about it, at any given time, 1/4 of menstruating women are unclean and so is everything they touch. So let's just round up all the menstruating women into a tent across town during that time. Seriously, imagine trying to get anything done in our world with that law being observed. We'll be even less productive than the U.S. Congress.
Back to the issue though. Is your problem with other people's sex lives due to the fact that YOU are not getting laid? I know I tend to get pretty uptight when I'm not getting any. Let me recommend that you concentrate on what is going on in your own bedroom and don't worry about what's happening in others'. I have a feeling that everyone will be a lot happier that way.
Now, I'm going to blow your mind for a second.
I love sex and I love to write about sex, yet I still consider myself a Christian. I believe that Jesus cares a heck of a lot more about how I treat other people than the details of my sex life.
God created me. He created me with a thirst for knowledge, for connection and yes, for intimacy and sex. I'm healthy, happy, and I am my own person. I belong to no one, least of all a husband or father. I am a woman, and I'm cool with that. I brought three precious lives into this world and I am doing everything in my power to ensure that they are healthy and happy individuals. I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). Who are you to question God's Creation?
We've all picked and chosen Bible verses we want to follow, and dropped others we feel no longer apply. Let's recognize our culture is much different today than in Bible times. The Bible speaks to a lot of things we don't do anymore (like marry the wives of our deceased brothers) and it doesn't speak to a lot of issues we do have now (like the internet and atomic bombs). So why don't we just go back to the basics? It really doesn't get any more basic than this in the Christian faith:
"‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:36-40).
Let's just try to get *that* much right before worrying about anything else, okay?
So, let's get this out of the way up front. I like sex, a lot, and I like to write about it. Sometimes that sex is with more than one person. That's basically my family's beef with me, and what caused my mother to write me a letter condemning my sexual immorality yet reminding me that Jesus can forgive my sin if only I repent and turn from my evil ways.
You know, it kinda sucks to be a Christian right now. Many times when I tell someone I am Christian, they give me this dismissive "Oh boy, one of those wackos" looks. I'm not ashamed to be a Christian, but my so-called fellow Christians have alienated so many people with their intolerance that I know I'm being painted with the same brush. But I'm not giving up on my faith because I really do believe in loving people. And hopefully I can do my part to change a few people's perceptions about Christians through my words and actions.
And speaking of that alienation and intolerance, I have been thinking a lot about how Jesus' whole platform was inclusiveness and love. There are so many things going on in churches across the country, being talked about on Fox News and amongst what some people would term the “religious right” that I just don't get. I don't understand how someone can read the Bible I read and come to the same conclusions about some of this stuff. Would you like to hear some examples?
Capitalism and Greed
I am pretty certain Jesus said: "...go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me" (Matthew 19:21 NIV). Does that sound like "make as much money as you can and figure out all the tax loopholes so that you're paying the same percentage in taxes as someone who makes a tiny fraction of your salary?” Does it say to support huge corporations who flood the government with money so that politicians make decisions that benefit the huge corporations instead of common folks? Does it say to keep voting against raising minimum wage so that people working in retail and the service industry are forced to subsidize their income with government assistance while the presidents of their companies are raking in millions or billions of dollars?
Folks, I hate to be the one to shout here, but Jesus was WAY closer to being a socialist than He was a capitalist. I challenge you to find me Bible verses where Jesus encourages greed, government corruption and constantly shitting on the poor.
Let's all have guns! More guns for everyone! Don't take away our guns!
What would Jesus say about guns? Well, I seem to remember Him saying, "...do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also." (Matthew 5:39 NIV) which obviously means "If anyone gives you trouble, just shoot them." Since these gun-toting "Christians" are so into literal Biblical translations about other things, and they didn't have guns in Jesus' time, why don't we abandon guns for more a more biblical standard of violence and punishment such as stoning and crucifixion? Don't try to take away their stones and crosses either, liberals!
Purity Rings and Daughters Belonging to Their Fathers Until Marriage
There is so, so much wrong in this concept, I don't even know where to start. So, back in the Old Testament, men were pretty much allowed to bang any woman they bought, be it a wife or a concubine or their wife's servant or whoever. As long as she belonged to him, it was kosher. Women were property, first belonging to their fathers and then belonging to their husbands.
This whole concept of giving a teenage girl a purity ring and telling her she belongs to her daddy until she is given away to another man is like stepping back millennia for women. Why stop at the ring? Why not include some cattle and maybe throw in a donkey or two when you ask for a woman's hand in marriage? I mean, we want to be biblically accurate, right?
And for even more biblical accuracy, why don't we go ahead and start getting married at 12 again?
Gay Marriage and Pretty Much Any other Form of Sex That is Not Reproductive
Another thing I fail to understand about the religious right is why they care so much about what is going on in other people's bedrooms. I seem to remember another verse saying something along the lines of “Do not judge, or you too will be judged" (Matthew 7:1 NIV).
Oh, I know, you are going to argue that the Bible says homosexuality (and many other forms of so-called sexual immorality) is wrong! You know what else the Bible says?
"When a woman has a discharge, if her discharge in her body is blood, she shall continue in her menstrual impurity for seven days; and whoever touches her shall be unclean until evening. Everything also on which she lies during her menstrual impurity shall be unclean, and everything on which she sits shall be unclean.…" (Leviticus 15:19-20). So if you want to be all biblical about it, at any given time, 1/4 of menstruating women are unclean and so is everything they touch. So let's just round up all the menstruating women into a tent across town during that time. Seriously, imagine trying to get anything done in our world with that law being observed. We'll be even less productive than the U.S. Congress.
Back to the issue though. Is your problem with other people's sex lives due to the fact that YOU are not getting laid? I know I tend to get pretty uptight when I'm not getting any. Let me recommend that you concentrate on what is going on in your own bedroom and don't worry about what's happening in others'. I have a feeling that everyone will be a lot happier that way.
Now, I'm going to blow your mind for a second.
I love sex and I love to write about sex, yet I still consider myself a Christian. I believe that Jesus cares a heck of a lot more about how I treat other people than the details of my sex life.
God created me. He created me with a thirst for knowledge, for connection and yes, for intimacy and sex. I'm healthy, happy, and I am my own person. I belong to no one, least of all a husband or father. I am a woman, and I'm cool with that. I brought three precious lives into this world and I am doing everything in my power to ensure that they are healthy and happy individuals. I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14). Who are you to question God's Creation?
We've all picked and chosen Bible verses we want to follow, and dropped others we feel no longer apply. Let's recognize our culture is much different today than in Bible times. The Bible speaks to a lot of things we don't do anymore (like marry the wives of our deceased brothers) and it doesn't speak to a lot of issues we do have now (like the internet and atomic bombs). So why don't we just go back to the basics? It really doesn't get any more basic than this in the Christian faith:
"‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments" (Matthew 22:36-40).
Let's just try to get *that* much right before worrying about anything else, okay?
June 16, 2014
the weekend that changed everything
One year ago today, at about this time at night, maybe a little later, I was wrapping up Mountains Climbed. I was sitting in a hotel room in Asheville, North Carolina, in the mountains after spending the day at the Biltmore Estate. My partner was hundreds of miles away in Florida with his "other" girlfriend, the one that he had been engaged to shortly before I had met him.
Many of you know this story, but it bears repeating. As I was writing a Happily Ever After for James and Sarah in Mountains Climbed, he was choosing me over her, a choice I didn't think he would ever make. I fully expected him to come home from Florida and tell me that she was moving in with him in a month or two. But instead, when I picked him up at the airport on June 18th, he told me that they broke up. I later learned it was because he had chosen me.
Everything snowballed from there and within two months, I was packing my things to move in with him. I know we've had a lot of ups and downs in this 9 months that we've cohabitated. But I can't help but think we're just out-growing our growing pains.Every day I feel we are stronger. Every day I feel a little more like we are headed down the right path.
No one will ever be able to convince me that Mountains Wanted and Mountains Climbed weren't in some way responsible for bringing us closer together. He read every single word as I was writing, offering me feedback and insight. He hasn't read more than a few chapters of either of my most recent releases, by the way. The spell seemed to just work for MW and MC. And maybe that's all we needed. Just that little push to help us see it was meant to be.
Do you believe in the power of words? Do you believe a story can seal two people's destinies?
I do.
Many of you know this story, but it bears repeating. As I was writing a Happily Ever After for James and Sarah in Mountains Climbed, he was choosing me over her, a choice I didn't think he would ever make. I fully expected him to come home from Florida and tell me that she was moving in with him in a month or two. But instead, when I picked him up at the airport on June 18th, he told me that they broke up. I later learned it was because he had chosen me.
Everything snowballed from there and within two months, I was packing my things to move in with him. I know we've had a lot of ups and downs in this 9 months that we've cohabitated. But I can't help but think we're just out-growing our growing pains.Every day I feel we are stronger. Every day I feel a little more like we are headed down the right path.
No one will ever be able to convince me that Mountains Wanted and Mountains Climbed weren't in some way responsible for bringing us closer together. He read every single word as I was writing, offering me feedback and insight. He hasn't read more than a few chapters of either of my most recent releases, by the way. The spell seemed to just work for MW and MC. And maybe that's all we needed. Just that little push to help us see it was meant to be.
Do you believe in the power of words? Do you believe a story can seal two people's destinies?
I do.
