Brandon Stanton's Blog, page 67

“When I first told my mom, I was crying my eyes out. It took me...

“When I first told my mom, I was crying my eyes out.  It took me ten minutes to even begin speaking.  When I was finally able to say it, she told me to think more about it.  And that maybe I was uncertain.  After that it was like it never happened.  She never mentioned it.  I tried bringing it up a few weeks later, and she said something painful.  I don’t know if she meant it or not, but she told me that staying single is OK.  She gave me examples of people in our family who had never married.  It made me feel like she’d rather me be alone than gay.  I’ve decided not to push it.  I don’t want to cause a fight in my family.  I don’t want them to get our church involved.  So I’ve begun to create stories in my head about how a relationship would be impossible anyway.  I try to magnify my flaws: I’m too insecure, too jealous, too possessive.  Nobody would be attracted to me.  It makes it less painful to think about.  Like I’m not missing anything.  Because even if I could be with someone, they’d never want to be with me.”
(Hong Kong)

“My parents are afraid that I’ll be arrested. I’m their...

“My parents are afraid that I’ll be arrested.  I’m their daughter and they love me so much, and they don’t want anything to happen to me.  But we are students and we’re the ones who will own this place in the future.  Yes I’m only a teenager, and I’m still growing, and I’m still learning more.  But I can speak while I’m learning more.  And I know right from wrong.  Our freedoms are disappearing, and I don’t want to live in a place where I can’t speak freely about my opinion.  It’s so important to hear everyone’s opinion.  When you only look at something from one angle, it may seem perfect.  But there might be problems that you can only see from another angle.  So everyone must be free to share their angle, or things will get worse.  Some people think that protesting is pointless.  Yes China is very powerful, but everything is possible because we are fighting for the right thing.  And truth will always win.  Even if it takes one hundred years.  I’m still too young to stand on the front line, but one day I will stand up and tell the whole world that we in Hong Kong are not afraid, and that we will not hide or escape, and that we’ll always fight for freedom.”
(Hong Kong)

Today in microfashion… (Hong Kong)

Today in microfashion…
(Hong Kong)

“We found this old box while cleaning the police station a few...

“We found this old box while cleaning the police station a few years ago, and we were about to break it down and destroy it.  But I said to Elba: ‘If we could somehow fit inside there, we could start a puppet show.’  So that was the beginning of Lilly and Mo.  We did everything ourselves.  We made the puppets.  We painted the stage.  We gave some cake and coffee to the boys in the radio room, and they gave us a transformer.  We held our first show for the kids and grandchildren of our colleagues.  Our boss let us use his office.  We powered everything with an old car battery.  One of the puppet’s heads fell off, and the box broke so we fell through the wall, but we eventually figured it out.  We’ve done about 200 shows over the last few years.  Every week a kindergarten class comes to the station.  And on weekends we travel to parks and squares.  We’re just trying to teach basic crime prevention.  Maybe Lilly will see a fire and call for help.  Or a stranger will offer her a ride, and we’ll ask the kids what she should say.  A lot of times we forget our lines.  But the kids don’t know the story, so they never seem to notice.”
(Berlin, Germany)

“I’ve been playing second violin in this orchestra since 2010....

“I’ve been playing second violin in this orchestra since 2010.  It’s a big, beautiful house.  There are ninety of us who make music together.  We sit shoulder-to-shoulder.  It’s like singing in a choir.  And when everything comes together, it’s fantastic.  But you don’t always have the personal freedom to say what you need to say.  The conductor is in control.  It’s quite a narrow box that I’m in.  Some orchestra musicians are fine with that.  They don’t feel the need to do anything else.  They’re happy to put their violin in the case at the end of the day.  But I’ve always promised myself to fight against that.  To have dreams.  And not to lose the passion.  My husband is a jazz clarinetist.  We formed a wonderful little duo when we were young.  It was so much fun, but it never went anywhere.  We made one CD, but I was breastfeeding at the time.  We couldn’t really go touring.  Freelance is so hard with a family.  But we’ve always had this dream of playing together again.  I think he secretly hopes I could leave my job.  And we could really give it a try.  Our kids are grown now.  Maybe we can get something going.  We’ve been recording again.  We’re planning some concerts.  I think both of us are hoping to recapture a feeling.”
(Berlin, Germany)

“I haven’t spoken to my Mom in two years. I don’t even remember...

“I haven’t spoken to my Mom in two years.  I don’t even remember what started it.  It was on Christmas.  We were arguing about something stupid and it just escalated.  Then we started fighting about the past.  She’s at this age where she isn’t making many new memories, so she just lives in the past and glorifies the old ones.  Which isn’t a bad thing, I guess.  But she refuses to remember the hard times.  And it’s extremely frustrating.  Both my parents were always so stuck in their own stories.  Their own problems.  It was never about me.  I know that sounds selfish, but children are selfish.  You have to be selfish to survive.  I was never acknowledged.  Never encouraged.  Never had the feeling they were proud.  They didn’t even show up to my graduation.  It took me so long to get over that shit.  It took me so long to feel worthy.  And now, all these years later, my mother’s story is this:  ‘I did everything for you, I sacrificed everything, and your childhood was beautiful.’  She says it in a way that implies I should be thankful.  And grateful.  And what’s most triggering, she says it in a way that implies I should pay her back.”
(Berlin, Germany)

“When I got my first one, he thought I’d done it to make him...

“When I got my first one, he thought I’d done it to make him angry.  He told me that only criminals had tattoos.  And he didn’t speak to me for three days after that.  I was his youngest daughter.  Both my siblings were twenty years older, so I was his little girl.  And I don’t think he could let go.  We’d argue all the time.  But he just wanted to protect me from everything bad that could happen.  When I was in high school, even if I came home from a party at 3AM, he’d be awake in the living room.  I’d hear the TV turn off as soon as I walked in.  And even after I moved out, he’d always call to see if I was OK.  Actually he’d make my mom call.  Because he was too proud to do it himself.  Mom would make small talk for a few minutes, then she’d always say: ‘Your dad wants to ask you something.’  I remember one time his voice was breaking on the phone.  He just kept pausing, and asking when I’d be coming home again.  I think he already knew about the cancer.  We discovered it so late.  By then we only had about three months left.  It was hard to see him get so weak.  He’d been strong his entire life. He’d been working since the age of fourteen.  Never for himself.  He never spent his own money.  It was all for us.  Eventually it got to the point where he could only lay on his bed.  He was so sleepy from the chemo.  But even then he kept trying to protect me.  He would just keep saying: ‘I’ll be fine.  Don’t worry about me at all.  I don’t want you to worry.’”
(Berlin, Germany)

“We are Kurdish people. My family came here in 1989, and we had...

“We are Kurdish people.  My family came here in 1989, and we had to start from zero.  My parents weren’t very educated.  My dad only attended primary school and my mother couldn’t read.  So it was very difficult for our family to adjust to German society.  I had five siblings, and we weren’t exposed much to the outside world.  But there was one teacher who helped us.  Her name was Utie, and she had a passion for helping refugees.  She volunteered to tutor us for free.  Even though we only saw her two or three times a month, she gave me another perspective on life.  I’d probably have five children by now if it wasn’t for her.  She taught me to think critically about our traditions.  She had empathy for our culture, but she also taught me that not all traditions are positive.  Especially for women.  She wanted me to be an individual.  To be self-assured and confident.  And to develop my own goals and dreams.  I don’t want it to seem like my life was so difficult before, and now I’m so modern.  I love our culture.  But it was all I knew.  Now that I understand both sides, I can choose what I want from each.  I can respect my roots, while still being free to create the life I want.”
(Berlin, Germany)

“When I was a teenager my dad gave me a 50 Euro bill, and he...

“When I was a teenager my dad gave me a 50 Euro bill, and he wrote a message to my future children.  Something like: ‘For you, little one.  From Grandpa.’  But my addiction was stronger than the gift.  And I spent it on food.  I kept a little trash can hidden in my closet.  I’d use it five or six times a day.  It was always about control.  I couldn’t control much in my life, but I could control this.  I had the power to make people worry about me.  I had the power to make the numbers go down.  Eventually my parents stopped keeping food at home.  They put a lock on the fridge.  My whole day was structured around food.  I tracked everything I ate.  And at some point in the day it would feel like too much, so I’d throw it up.  I felt disgusting.  I felt like people could smell it from a mile away.  So I kept to myself.  And what do you do when you’re all alone, and you don’t have anything, and you want a little pleasure?  You eat.  Then you throw up.  It was so hard to stop.  If it had been as easy as chopping off my hand, I would have done it.  But it’s not like cigarettes or alcohol.  You can’t just kick food out of your life.  You have to confront it.  You have to get back to normal.  Even now it’s inside of me.  I know I’m still vulnerable, especially during my low points.  But it’s not my life anymore.  It started with single days.  Nights where I’d lie in bed and realize I hadn’t thrown up.  Then weeks would go by.  I’d have major fallbacks, but by then I’d tasted normalcy, and I wanted more of it.  You miss so much of life with your face in a toilet.  So I’d start over again.  Now I have things in my life more powerful than the addiction.  Recently I told my dad about the 50 Euro bill, and how I’d spent it, and how guilty I felt.  He told me not to worry, and gave me this new one.  It’s not the same.  But this time I’m going to keep it.”
(Berlin, Germany)

“Never been a big believer in anything. I think religion is the...

“Never been a big believer in anything. I think religion is the biggest problem in the world.  Same with ideology.  Christianity, communism, for me they’re the same thing.  I think every ideology probably started with a good idea. Marx was probably a good guy. I know a lot of old communists, great people. But the problem with ideologies is they try to supply an answer for everything.  They become a building of thoughts and rules, the key to every human problem.  And if you possess the key to everything, every last answer, then it becomes a right, even more than that, a duty, to bring other people to your viewpoint.  You must give people the happiness they cannot understand.  By any means necessary.  Even if that means violence.“
(Berlin, Germany)