Phillip Van Hooser's Blog: Build Performance Blog, page 9

In Conflict, Is Your Focus Wrong?

Do you hate the idea of handling conflict and confrontation with those you work with? Most of us do, and most of us are unprepared for managing it because most of us are focused on the wrong thing. Let me explain.

When Things Go Sideways Fast

One of the things I truly cherish as a mom right now is the time I get in the car with my kids on the way to school and daycare. Yes, it would be easier and faster to put the two big kids on the bus, but the hassle of doing it myself is well worth the reward of face-to-face intentional conversation with them before I release them into the wild to start their day.

We listen to music, we sing and dance, we pray, we talk with one another. It's amazing. Well, until it's not. Like today. LOL

I needed a break after the car ride before I walked into work this morning. If you're a parent, have you been there before or is it just me?

My big kids started arguing in the car as we sat in the drop-off line. They were going at it hard so I had to use my “mom voice” to get their attention. #IYKYK

I had to step in.

And before you can even let the thought of "helicopter mom" enter your mind, I'm all about letting my kids fight their own battles.

What Are You Focused On?

However, our team (Van Hooser, party of 6), was torn up from the floor up and making no progress towards a solution because they were focused on the wrong thing.

It was time for some reframing…

I showed them that the problem was not each other, but that the problem was a misunderstanding. They had different experiences and expectations for what was happening at the moment.

(Check out our step-by-step process for successfully managing conflict and confrontation.)

Reframe the Conversation & Step Up

Reframing the conversation to focus on the problem — not the person — changed the whole vibe in the car. They became patient while the other person spoke, choosing kind words. Both of them figured it out quickly...and thankfully, they both went into school with happy hearts.

Just like my kids in the car, sometimes drama at work happens when we’re too focused on the person and not the actual problem. And when that is happening, the situation can become volatile quickly and the damage done is long-lasting.

Maybe today is the day you step up as a leader to reframe the conversation so you or people on your team can all figure it out and move forward quickly with happy hearts, too.

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Navigating Conflict, A Deeper Dive

In our latest episode of "The Man & The Millennial," you'll get some really helpful ideas for working through conflict and confrontation...the right way. Listen in for a deeper dive into diffusing difficult situations.

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#conflict #confrontation #essentialskills #communicatebetter #leadershipdevelopment #teamdevelopment #teambuilding #professionaldevelopment #workingmom

Talk With People: 6 Steps to Cut Complaints & Build Connection

"A complaint is a symptom that a problem may exist."

That’s a line in a customer service book I wrote several years ago. But complaints don’t only happen in the world of sales and consumers. Many business owners, managers, and supervisors deal with complaints from their team members every day.

If you’re hearing complaints, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have a problem. But it is a red flag that deserves your attention. Often the first — best — place to start looking into complaints is to conduct a self-check to see if your communication efforts could be the root of the problem.

When coaching and training our business clients, we remind them this six-step communication approach may not only resolve a lot of the complaints that arise. They will likely find the connection and relationships with team members, co-workers, and yes, customers, improve dramatically. I encourage you to give it a try.

1. Talk with people. 

Not about people, not behind people, not around people, and not up to or down to people. Figure out how you can talk with people. The more this is a two-way conversation, the more effective communication will be. Are you talking with people? And are you giving them a chance to talk with you?

2. Explain the process.

Often people are confused or just don’t understand how things are to happen. Confusion leads to frustration, and frustration can lead to complaints. Have you taken the time to explain the process to your people and ensure they understand what to expect?

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3. Tell the truth. 

You’ll never find an appropriate time to be untruthful. Frankly, if someone catches you in an untruth, they're not going to trust what you say going forward. And that’s the kiss of death for any business professional. Have you been truthful? If not, waste no time admitting your error and working to rebuild your integrity.

4. Work for understanding. 

Most people focus on the word “understanding.” Certainly, there has to be understanding for communication to be successful. But I put the emphasis on that first word, “work.” If understanding doesn't happen immediately you can't give up, throw your hands in the air, and say you’re through trying. You've got to go to work ensuring what you’ve communicated is understood correctly. The responsibility for understanding rests on the one who initiated the message. Have you thrown in the towel or are you working for understanding?

5. Get them involved. 

People prefer dialogues to monologues. The more you involve them in the conversation, the more you engage them. It's not a lecture, it's a discussion. Ask for their insights and their input. What do they think would resolve the problem? It’s one of the greatest questions to ask to increase employee or customer engagement… “What do you think?”

These five steps will resolve many complaints and improve your connections with employees, team members, and customers:

Talk with peopleExplain the processTell the truthWork for understandingGet them involved

But sometimes those five steps still leave communication results a little lacking. In the end, you must include this final step.

6. Do your job. 

As a business owner, a manager, a supervisor, or a leader in some other role, you ultimately must do your job. It’s your responsibility to set the expectation, communicate it, and then give feedback on how that expectation is either being met or missed. It may be unpleasant, but if you're not communicating the difficult messages, then quite frankly you’ve abandoned your responsibility. Ask yourself this hard question: Are you neglecting the uncomfortable part of talking with the people you lead and serve?

Use these six steps when you talk with people, and watch complaints subside and your relationships grow!

Need Your Team to Leverage Skills Like These? Let Us Show Them How.

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Mental Health At Work Doesn’t Matter If

Some people are exhausted with the talk about mental health in the workplace and culture in the organization. They want their people to ‘just show up and do the job they were hired to do’. Do you feel the same way or differently?

Honestly, I can understand that frustration.

And, mental health doesn't matter in the whole scheme of work if you don't care about performance and retention among your team. Let me say that again -- mental health doesn't matter if you don't care about performance and retention among your team.

But if you do care about improving performance and/or employee retention, then mental health, in fact, does matter -- big time. And leaders who want to develop successful teams must do something to address this hot topic.

Mental Health Was Taboo

People, culture, society didn't talk about their mental health, stress levels, anxiety, etc. at work very much at all 30-40 years ago. But, there's been a noticeable shift in the last 10-15 years or so. What used to be seen as weakness, is now viewed as strength. Where, when, and how did the shift happen?

Admitting mental health challenges used to be seen as a weakness. Now it is viewed as a strength.

-Alyson Van Hooser

What we know is that a society’s expectations are the result of their shared experiences. Think about this for a moment, from a mainstream media perspective, we’ve seen many well-known, successful, people -- leaders in their own industry -- publicly admit that they’re struggling mentally. And the more people talk about it, the more they are praised.

3 Mainstream Public Mental Health Awareness Examples

Think about Justin Bieber. He's been an open book throughout his rough season. He's written albums about it, discussed it in interviews, and shares more about it on his social media channels. He chose to take a big break from work in order to get his mental health in check. He's been really public about his journey which is playing into creating a new expectation of what is normal and necessary in the workplace.

Consider Naomi Osaka, a professional tennis player. Earlier this year, she chose not to do a press conference after the French Open because she said the way they’re set up, they can be really damaging to the mental health of tennis players. Playing tennis is her job. She needs her mental health in order to perform well at work.

Most recently, as you can probably guess, Simone Biles, the Olympic gymnast with the most world championship medals. She backed out of some events in the Olympics this year because of what the media named “mental health” reasons.

With an increasing number of top leaders talking about mental health over the past several years, employees are showing up to work expecting mental health to be a normal part of decision making, performance evaluation, and employee engagement.

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What Is Mental Health

Let’s get this out of the way. Mental health and mental illness are not the same thing for today’s purposes. Here’s an example: Someone may not be handling their stress well, that’s a mental health issue that leaders should be addressing. However, if someone on your team is schizophrenic, let licensed doctors handle that.

At one point, Simone Biles said she had the “twisties”, meaning she was disoriented while she was flipping in the air. That’s dangerous, right? Justin Bieber talks about being emotionally overwhelmed and lonely, which affected his ability to think clearly and perform well. That would be an issue at work, right?

Mental health is a broad scale.

Simply put, the discussion at work regarding mental health should center around how your people are dealing with the stress of managing home life (no such thing anymore as leaving home life at the door when you get to work), responsibilities at work, communication with coworkers, and performance expectations. An employee’s ability, or lack thereof, to deal with all of that in a mentally healthy way will affect their productivity and their ability to reach their full potential.

One Action For Leaders

When we think about mental health and those examples that I gave where people backed down from their work in order to take care of themselves…what would happen if the majority of your employees decided to back away from work and prioritize their mental health? Or, what if they didn’t choose to quit and leave, but instead chose to quit and stay?

In order to help you avoid both of those negative outcomes, here’s one simple action you can take to start addressing mental health with your team:

Stop talking to your employees about the importance of mental health and start talking with your employees about their individual mental health.

You may think mental health is not an issue with your employees right now. Don’t miss what could actually be happening right under your nose. Your team may be wildly struggling with mental health issues, but you'll never know that if you don't hear it from them.

The Mental Health Conversation

Don’t ask other people how an employee is doing, their biases will likely cloud their judgment and comments. Do schedule a one-on-one, private meeting to discuss mental health with your direct reports.

When you have that conversation, hear me carefully because I don't say this often, I want you as the leader to talk first. Now, you might be thinking, what in the world? Isn't listening critically important? Yes, it is critically important! But with such a personal topic as mental health, your people need to be able to feel like they can trust you. You need to create a judgment-free zone. You have to do that before they're ever going to open up and be truthful to you about their own mental health or things that they're struggling with.

Start by talking about why you want to discuss mental health -- because of it’s affect personally and professionally on their well-being. Then, talk about where you have struggled in the past or where you're currently struggling. Talk about how you sought out help in the past or what you did to overcome the issues you were working through. If you're currently working through your own issues, be open about that. Vulnerability creates an opportunity for an authentic connection between you and your employees.

After you’ve shared, ask them how they're struggling, ask them what they need from you, and then take action to make it happen. If there is something you can do, do it. If there's nothing you can do, then you need to explain that to them…explain your heart -- that you want to help, but there's nothing you can do. Maybe you just need to point them towards better resources. Maybe there is something practical you can do, i.e. change their job responsibilities, change their schedule, help them build better relationships with their coworkers, etc.

Your Success Depends on Your Willingness to Serve

Ultimately, this conversation can go in a lot of different directions. If you choose and are bold and courageous enough to be vulnerable enough to open up to people about where you struggle, you're opening the door for an opportunity to create more loyalty, to create an authentic relationship, to create more honesty at work. While their response could be different, one thing in my mind is certain that when you're real with people, eventually they're going to be real with you. In a world full of filters and fillers, employees want the truth. Employees want leaders who care. Employees want leaders who take action.

Mental health is not always a fun, exciting, positive conversation. Oftentimes, it’s tough. But great leaders shouldn’t put off difficult responsibilities. Your team’s success depends on your willingness to serve their needs effectively. And mental health is a need that cannot be ignored.

Our leadership management training helps leaders intentionally plan communication to faciliate team commitment and growth.
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A Leadership Lesson Learned the Hard Way

What is the one leadership lesson you’ve learned the hard way? Think about it for a minute — whatever it is, has it stuck with you? Mine has. But as hard as it was, it was a positive turning point in my leadership growth. Maybe my experience can save you some pain while helping you grow as a leader.

Legitimate Questions Deserve Honest Answers

I was a young HR professional working in a manufacturing facility when one day an employee walked into my office and asked me a simple question.

"Phil, have you decided the scheduler's position?"

Don't get caught up in the concept of the scheduler's position. Instead, understand the question he was asking. He was saying,

"I applied for and was interviewed for a job, but I haven't heard anything about the results.” 

His question was a legitimate one. The honest answer would have been,

"Yes, we have made a decision, and you're not it." 

But is that what I said? No, unfortunately, I must admit that's not what I said. Instead, I said, 

"Yes, we have considered it, but no, we haven't made a decision yet."

A Leadership Lesson from the Slippery Slope

And then once I was into this untruth, I immediately built upon it. I continued,

"We haven't made a decision yet. But as soon as we make a decision, you can be sure you'll be the first to know.”

With this new information, the employee said, 

"Thank you, Phil. Please forgive the interruption. I appreciate your time.” 

And with that, he left.

Now, I wish I could say to you that I was immediately racked with guilt and remorse for this lie I told. But honestly, I don't remember anything of the kind. I just went about the rest of my day.

As Fate Would Have It

Now, as luck (or fate) would have it, that very afternoon we had a plant-wide meeting scheduled. Little did I know I was about to learn a pivotal leadership lesson.

Once a quarter, we would bring all 400+ employees into the same room and talk to them about what was going on in the business. We would talk about sales, quality, safety, and the like. All of these topics were discussed by our plant manager.

So that very afternoon, we all assembled in one room — 400+ people seated and the plant manager on the stage in the front of the room. I was positioned near the door, available if the plant manager needed me to run an errand.

During this meeting, the plant manager did all the things he had always done. He gave an update on the business. And then toward the end of the meeting, he said what I knew he would say. 

"Does anybody have a question?"

As soon as he asked the question, an arm shot up on the front row. A young man asked,

"Have you decided on that scheduler's position?" 

Now, it's important to note that the person who asked the question was not the person I spoke to earlier in the day. The person who asked the question was one of the other candidates for the scheduler’s position. In fact, the person that I had spoken to earlier in the day was probably somewhere in the room nudging the person next to him saying, 

"I know the answer to this one. I talked to Phil just today."

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People Trust You Until They Don't

So you can imagine his surprise and my horror when I heard the plant manager answer the question this way. 

"Well, yes, we have decided on that scheduler's position. In fact, we made that decision about three weeks ago. We just decided we wouldn't announce it until later. But heck, there's no reason that we can't announce it even right now.”

I was frozen with embarrassment and with fear. I don't even know all emotions I was experiencing. But I just knew that I had been caught.

At that moment, 399 sets of eyes were fixed on our plant manager, but one set of eyes found mine. You know who those eyes belonged to. And his eyes were speaking to me as well. They were saying, 

"You lied!” 

My eyes were attempting to speak to him, 

"I'm sorry!” 

But I could tell he wasn't buying it.

The Eagles were absolutely right... "You can't hide you're lyin' eyes..." And once people know you'll lie to them, everything you say is suspect. That's a hard, but real leadership lesson.

Whatever

So as soon as the meeting was over, I went directly to him. I started explaining my situation.

"Oh, you've got to understand the position I was in. You've got to understand why I did it. You caught me in an awkward moment. I didn't know what to say." 

Whatever excuse I offered was at the very least lame, and at the very best, a total fabrication.

To his credit, he stood arms crossed listening to my every explanation, but without offering a word. And then right at the end, when I had nothing else to say, he brushed by me and spoke a single word. He said, 

"Whatever." 

Whatever…

Think about that word — WHATEVER.  I've concluded that when he said whatever it could've meant any of these things...

You will tell me WHATEVER it is you think I want to hear. WHATEVER will get you off the hook in the moment is what you'll say. You'll tell people WHATEVER is expedient for you, whether it's truthful or not.From this point forward, I won't believe WHATEVER you tell me.

Guilty — on all counts. At the moment, I said whatever I needed to with no thought to the long-term, negative effects I was creating. It's not really the best approach for building trust with people or establishing a professional reputation. Leadership lesson learned -- the hard way.

(Not sure what to say when you know you can't tell an employee what they want to know? These tips can help you.)

Only You Can Deliver

I went back to my office that day, and I made a promise to myself. I promised myself I would never lie to an employee again. There's too much downside. It's not the right thing to do. There's no benefit to it. And quite frankly, I don't ever want to be in that position again.

The leadership management training clients I work with often hear me say, effective, trusted leadership is built on the foundation of honesty. To be less than honest means you're never going to be the leader you ultimately could be. People expect it, integrity demands it, and only you can deliver it. I will never forget this leadership lesson. Honesty is key — WHATEVER.

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I’m Positive: How to Avoid Assumptions

For Three Stooges fans out there, you’ll probably remember the following bit. If you’re not a fan, hang on — their routine illustrates a common trap business leaders and professionals encounter. These tips will help you avoid the "I'm positive" pitfall.

"I'm Positive" Routine

Their shtick went something like this. 

Larry gives Moe some sort of outlandish information.

Moe responds by asking Larry: “Are you sure about that?”

Larry responds to Moe: “I’m positive!”

Moe then arrogantly says: “Only fools are positive!”

Larry asks: “Are you sure about that?”

To which Moe predictably responds, “I’m positive!” (YouTube captured it here.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4EQBb..., Not Funny

I find that playful little “give and take” to be funny. But what’s not funny is when this “I’m positive” attitude plays out in real life and ends up hurting professional reputations. 

I recently heard a business executive try to prove a very questionable point by saying, 

“I’m positive this is what he was thinking,” and later, “I‘m absolutely certain that’s what he’s trying to accomplish.”

When pressed for more information by simply asking, “But how do you know for sure?” The executive was stumped. Unable to provide facts, evidence or data to support what was a personal assumption, the best this professional could do was to just keep saying, “I’m positive I’m right.” 

Unfortunately, others weren’t as confident. And sadly, the insistence that this business leader knew — POSITIVELY —  made him look unnecessarily foolish in that moment. Worse still, the other team members beginning to question his overall judgment. 

Avoiding the I'm Positive Trap

So here’s a word of caution and guidance for any of us who are tempted to fall into the same trap. As it pertains to human behavior — assume nothing, explore everything.

Though tempted to assume that you positively know why someone is speaking or behaving in a particular way, don’t foolishly act on unsupported assumptions. Because a team member missed excessive work six months ago due to marital conflict does not mean recent absences are related.

Assume nothing.

They might be — but what if they’re not? And what if you spoke or made important decisions as a result? You’d look unnecessarily foolish to all involved. Others know you could have — you should have — checked before assuming and acting upon the assumptions

Explore everything.

Exploring means intentionally seeking out information to confirm your assumptions. It involves talking with people individually, one-on-one, concerning things for which you need a clearer, more definitive understanding.

Never, I repeat never, assume you have it all figured out on your own. You don’t!

Remember the old saying? There are two sides to every story. Good leaders and professional business people consider both. So, before taking any critical action, commit to learning as much as you can first.

Initiate a conversation. Ask clarifying questions.Double check facts to get confirmation on critical points and details.

Do all these things before declaring positively that which you really don’t know.

It may be funny when stooges like Moe, Larry and Curly did so. But the humor is harder to find when business professionals follow suit. No fooling -- I’m positive.

Don't assume. Explore ways to ensure your people lead and serve well. Learn more here.

Dating At Work — Cool or No?

When you put a group of people together in person, if they spend enough time with each other, eventually, somebody is likely going to have the “urge to merge.” Think about it...summer camp, school classrooms, the office, etc. A summer crush at band camp might have been cool, but is dating at work a whole different story? Here’s my take on it.

Understanding Differing Perspectives on Dating At Work

I am about to lay out my honest opinion on dating in the workplace, knowing full well that some will disagree with me. So, before I share my advice, you must know a few factors that play a part in shaping my perspective. If you’ve ever been in any of my leadership management training sessions, you understand the incredible value that comes from learning the stories about what has shaped the perspective of the people around you. When you understand people’s stories, you can better appreciate their stances. 

I am a millennial, female, and a mother. I’ve also been an employee and a manager. As a leadership development trainer and keynote speaker, I’ve worked with small, local organizations, as well as, international organizations with thousands of employees. I’m from a small town in the south and I still live there today. I met my husband in high school and now work with my in-laws. I’ve worked with married couples and I’ve managed married couples within the same organization.

There’s a lot to dig into there...so much that has shaped my current perspective on dating at work.

In order for you to understand my perspective, you need to know about me, understand the stories that shaped me. Even more important, in order to understand your employees, co-workers, or managers’ perspectives on dating in the workplace, you need to get to know them even better, too.

It is my hope that by sharing some of my background and factors that shape my perspective on dating at work, your eyes might be opened to different ways of doing things -- or that you may take this as assurance that you’re on the right track. Either way, here we go.

My advice to an EMPLOYEE: I am an unabashed opponent of workplace romance inside someone else’s company -- just don’t go there. 

My advice to MANAGEMENT on developing a workplace policy around dating at work:  it’s complicated -- think it through.

Dating at Work -- My Message to Employees

If your job is more important to you than finding love, don’t distract yourself at work -- you risk losing what’s most important to you. 

On the other hand, if you’re more interested in love than work, go find another job so you can date that person you have your eye on at the office. 

Inter-office dating can make your entire life extremely complicated and stressful. Think about it…you’ll have to start:

managing your new relationship in adherence to company guidelines, desperately try to maintain trust and integrity with all other coworkers,work to build a relationship with your new love interest that might work ten feet away from you but you’re not really allowed to act normal with for the 8+ hours of time you’re around each other every day…

Whew! That’s a lot to handle

If a person at work is important enough to you, make life easier for both of you by finding a job at another organization. Don’t ever give someone a reason to question your ethics and integrity.

Dating at Work -- My Message to Managers

While I would 100% advise everyone not to date someone you work with, I don’t necessarily think managers should implement a no fraternization policy. 

Think about small town America for a moment. In my small town, we have one business that employs a large portion of our town’s workforce. Many of their employees have spouses that also work there. Imagine if that organization put a no fraternization policy in place. It’s reasonable that they might force their own hand to cut their own workforce by 25% and then struggle to meet performance and profitability standards going forward.

On the other hand, I’ve worked with organizations that have a very small workforce inside a very large community. You might be tempted to think that because they could more easily meet their workforce requirement,they should have a no fraternization policy. I don’t agree. Once you put an all or nothing policy in place, you risk losing some of your best performers -- who potentially could work very well together within an organizational team. You also test the trust among those on your team. 

It’s a slippery issue. If you allow it, you can have issues. If you don’t allow it, you can have issues. What’s the answer?

There’s not a good, clear cut answer.

But what does seem to work for employers and employees, is having a constant conversation, including practical education, instruction, and application on what is and is not acceptable within an organization. Notice that I said conversation with employees…I did not say to email them the policy and expect them to get it. 

What Doesn’t Change At Work

Dating people at work becomes a problem when it hurts other people. Too often, dating someone at work causes favoritism, declining performance, harassment, trust issues, and more. While views on inter-office relationships may differ between generations, organizational size, and geography, what doesn’t change is this. Nobody likes: 

-leaders who show favoritism 

-employees, coworkers, or leaders who are bringing down team performance

-being harassed

-feeling like they can’t trust the people around them

If you want to position yourself for ultimate leadership success, don’t ever give anyone a reason to doubt you -- not when you can help it. Instead, give people a reason to count on you to be honest and full of integrity every time, all the time.

The latest research shows a declining number of people who date people they work with. There are many factors that are causing the decline — among them, generational differences, #MeToo movement, online dating, and remote work. But I’m curious, what do you think about workplace romance — is it appropriate or not? Let me know in the comments below!

Professionalism standards are changing. Want to create a cohesive standard among your team? I can help! Let’s talk!

Winning the Emotional WAR

It’s the one question I get asked most often in my leadership management training sessions. And it’s fueled with bewilderment and exasperation. Here it is: why do people act the way they do?!? The short answer is emotional WAR. Here's how you can predict the otherwise unpredictable behaviors of people.

The question reveals a real and serious frustration business leaders, owners, entrepreneurs, and other professionals are experiencing. It is driven by their observations of what they consider misguided, irrational, or just plain nonsensical behaviors by otherwise rational, level-headed people. 

The question indicates the significant need for people to strengthen and further develop their emotional intelligence. A lack of emotional intelligence is an underlying reason we experience so much frustration and misunderstanding, and the reason so much effort to motivate and inspire greater performance falls flat.

Answering the "Why"

The short answer to the “why” question is needs. To be concise, all behavior — everything you do, I do, or anyone else does — is an attempt to consciously or subconsciously satisfy a need we have. I call it the “cornerstone concept.” (I explain the Cornerstone Concept in chapter 7 of my book, Leaders Ought to Know.)

When we observe people acting in a rash, unpredictable manner, we can be reasonably sure they’re responding to an unmet need. 

Life isn’t perfect. We are on top one day, and the next day we feel like we’re the central character in Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. This fact of life applies to every one around us, too. 

Knowing disappointment and difficulty can show up at any time should motivate us to prepare intellectually and emotionally in advance. Whether we are having a no good, very bad day, or it’s one of our team members, a customer, or a close personal connection — understanding the predictable responses gives us useful emotional intel to successfully respond to the adversity. Intuitively considering how people (ourselves included) behave in less than ideal circumstances, expands our ability to minimize or prevent knee-jerk reactions. 

3 Ways People React

These three behaviors may indicate someone has an unmet need.

#1. Withdrawal

Withdrawal usually occurs in one of two ways: the most obvious way, and the most common way. The most obvious form of withdrawal is physical withdrawal. People quit and leave. Team members, co-workers — even customers — resign — they leave — because their needs aren’t being satisfied. They go looking somewhere else for the satisfaction they need.

The other form of withdrawal is emotional withdrawal. We quit — but stay. We “check out,” “disengage,” “go through the motions,” or “do just enough to get by.” Our passion is waning, and our performance is wanting. It’s not exactly the recipe for professionalism or success, is it?

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#2. Aggression

When needs aren’t met, some people become aggressive in either their attitude, their behavior, or both. They may take exception to what is said and act increasingly confrontational. Or they may fall unusually quiet, pursuing a passive-aggressive approach. Otherwise mind-mannered people who become uncharacteristically aggressive may also be highly unpredictable. You can’t predict their next action because they don’t know it themselves.

#3. Rationalization

My favorite definition of “rationalize” is this: to rationalize is to tell ‘rational lies.’ Let’s break it down:

Rational: logical, reasonable, sensible, acceptable

Lies: fabrications, deceptions, falsehoods, untruths

When needs are unmet, we start telling ourselves logical, acceptable, reasonable untruths. Then we choose to believe these deceptions and act like they are true. Said a different way: people with unmet needs may create an alternate reality which seems comfortable enough to them.

Take one more look at those three predictable responses again. Do you see it? Interestingly, the acronym for responses to unmet needs is WAR.

This Means Emotional WAR

Withdrawal. Aggression. Rationalization.

When your needs, my needs, or anyone else’s needs aren’t satisfied, we’re in a battle — an emotional WAR. But we are not defenseless. Prepared in advance with a sharply honed emotional intelligence, we can more quickly recognize and rectify the behaviors which would otherwise sabotage our professional survival and success.

If your group needs help honing the skills of emotional intelligence and employee motivation -- let's talk. I have some tools to help them win the "war."

Great Listeners Don’t Make This Mistake

Great listeners are not those people who can repeat everything they just heard. Instead, great listeners make people feel heard.

When people talk, the intent is to transfer information. Sometimes, we want a response from the listener. Other times, we don't. However, we always want to feel heard. 

People can be heard, but not feel heard. And when a person doesn't feel heard, a disconnect occurs. 

The challenge of being a great listener comes from the differences between the methods people use to listen and the cues that make people feel heard. 

Problem -- Default Listening

As human beings, we have different methods for helping us focus and retain what we hear.

Some people listen best by looking directly in the eyes of the person talking. Other people listen best while doodling about what they're hearing. Some people retain more of what they hear while doing mindless tasks such as walking, going through junk email, straightening their desk, doing dishes, and so on. There are a lot of methods people use to listen well.

But, if you’re wanting to build a strong connection with someone, it doesn’t matter how well you listen if the person on the other end doesn’t feel heard.

Instead of defaulting to the way you think you listen best, shift your mindset and actions to intentionally listen in a way that not only ensures you hear what they say, but also ensures the person communicating with you feels heard.

Solution -- Intentional Listening

Admittedly, I retain more of what I hear when I do a mindless task while listening. My husband knows this about me. I can do dishes while he is talking, and then turn around and be able to repeat what he said to me verbatim. But, I know that my husband only feels heard if I’m looking him in the eyes, and my body language is engaging. 

Is it easy, natural, or my default way of listening to him to look him in the eyes the whole time? No. He’s so handsome, sometimes I get distracted 😜. But, I can still listen well and make sure he feels heard when I choose to disregard my default and intentionally shift my actions to make sure he leaves the conversation feeling like I cared about what he had to say. 

When it comes to the specific, individual people around you, what can you do to make sure they feel heard? If you’re not sure what that answer is, just ask them!

When asked what makes people feel heard, the most common answers are:

-Look me in the eye

-Don’t interrupt me

-Take a minute to think about what I’m saying before you say anything

-Ask me questions to get more information or make sure you understand

Out of those four actions, which do you do well, and which do you need to work on doing better or doing more consistently?

Actions for Leaders 

Teams today are so diverse -- and it’s not just skin deep. We’re different in how we talk and what makes us feel heard. 

When people feel heard, they realize they matter. It’s the leader’s responsibility to make sure those they serve know they matter. When a leader does that well, engagement, retention, trust, and performance among the team will rise.

Great listeners make for great leaders. Don’t let your default derail your leadership success. Make sure you listen, but more importantly, make your people feel heard.

If your team needs improved communication skills, and our training can help -- let's talk!

Success Lessons from Moving Day

Moving Day — whew!! Last Wednesday, Susan and I helped our daughter and son-in-law unload the last U-Haul truck marking their big move from one end of the Bluegrass state to the other. Afterward as we drove home, we discussed some important lessons from a physical move which directly apply to a person’s personal and professional success. Let me know if you agree.

The Moving Drill, It's Hard Work

You know the drill. Pack up all the things we collect as we live our life. Clean out the cabinets, the closets, and the garage. Find stuff we’ve not thought of in years. Silly items. Things lost but now found. Items once whole, but now missing parts. Items we’ve not even missed. Stuff we never should have spent money on and special momentos we can’t bear to part with.

Moving is really hard, detailed work. Sometimes, mind-bending, physically and emotionally exhausting work. Moving is fueled by dreaming, planning, and a healthy dose of risk taking. But it’s all a part of figuring out what to do with all our "stuff."

Once decided, we secure everything in a truck, give one last memory-packed look over our shoulder… then put the truck in gear, and move forward.

The Adventure of Moving
In my lifetime, I’ve had quite a few moving days. My dad was a construction painter so we moved A LOT! Every time we climbed into the station wagon pulling all our belongings in a U-Haul behind us, my mom made it a great adventure — pulling out her atlas and teaching us about what awaited us in our "new home."

Get our blog and get more like this by email  + a bonus welcome gift!

Metaphorical Moves
Susan and I agreed, every moving day is a marker in a life. The day someone physically and emotionally lets go of one thing to receive another.

We also agreed, we should probably "move" more often — metaphorically, at least. Decide what we’ve hung onto for too long, what’s holding us back, what we should take to the "dump." Spend some serious time thinking about what’s waiting for us to take hold of — if we’ll only release our grip on some of the "stuff" blocking our way.

Moving Day for You?

Thankfully moving day doesn’t happen every day. But when it does, I always find a fresh sense of excitement for, anticipation of, and readiness for the all the possibilities which are waiting. It’s waiting — but to move forward, I  have to get in the driver’s seat, start the engine, and actually put the truck in gear.

When was your last "moving day" and what did it teach you? Please share your stories in the comments below.

If your team needs some inspiration for a big move ahead, and my lessons could help — let’s talk. I’d be honored to help you "move."

Success Lessons from Moving Day

Moving Day — whew!! Last Wednesday, Susan and I helped our daughter and son-in-law unload the last U-Haul truck marking their big move from one end of the Bluegrass state to the other. Afterward as we drove home, we discussed some important lessons from a physical move which directly apply to a person’s personal and professional success. Let me know if you agree.

The Moving Drill, It’s Hard Work

You know the drill. Pack up all the things we collect as we live our life. Clean out the cabinets, the closets, and the garage. Find stuff we’ve not thought of in years. Silly items. Things lost but now found. Items once whole, but now missing parts. Items we’ve not even missed. Stuff we never should have spent money on and special momentos we can’t bear to part with.

Moving is really hard, detailed work. Sometimes, mind-bending, physically and emotionally exhausting work. Moving is fueled by dreaming, planning, and a healthy dose of risk taking. But it’s all a part of figuring out what to do with all our “stuff.”

Once decided, we secure everything in a truck, give one last memory-packed look over our shoulder… then put the truck in gear, and move forward.

The Adventure of Moving

I’ve had a few moving days. My dad was a construction painter so we moved A LOT! Every time we climbed into the station wagon pulling all our belongings in a U-Haul behind us, my mom made it a great adventure — pulling out her atlas and teaching us about what awaited us in our “new home.”

Get our blog and get more like this by email  + a bonus welcome gift!

Metaphorical Moves

Susan and I agreed, every moving day is a marker in a life. The day someone physically and emotionally lets go of one thing to receive another. We also agreed, we should probably “move” more often — metaphorically, at least. Decide what we’ve hung onto for too long, what’s holding us back, what we should take to the “dump.” Spend some serious time thinking about what’s waiting for us to take hold of — if we’ll only release our grip on some of the “stuff” blocking our way.

Moving Day for You?

Thankfully moving day doesn’t happen every day. But when it does, I always find a fresh sense of excitement for, anticipation of, and readiness for the all the possibilities which are waiting. It’s waiting — but to move forward, I  have to get in the driver’s seat, start the engine, and actually put the truck in gear.

When was your last “moving day” and what did it teach you? Please share in the comments below.

If your team needs some inspiration for a big move ahead, and my lessons could help — let’s talk. I’d be honored to help you “move.”

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