April E. Brucker's Blog, page 64
January 3, 2013
Winners of the Week
1. The Students at Sandy Hook. They are returning to school today after one of the worst blood baths in the history of the nation. These people have shown resolve, strength, and many of the children not just tremendous maturity but courage. I am so glad that they are back to school today, even if it is at a different site. They are picking up the pieces and they are putting one foot in front of the other. I know it isn't easy but it is life. It's not about what you want but what you need to do. These young people are learning that lesson. My heart and my prayers are with them today.
2. Miss Universe. Olivia Culpo has just moved to New York and is looking for love. Beautiful and outgoing, it is easy to hate her. However, she is using her time constructively not just for college but also to champion causes such as HIV/AIDS Awareness. Over the years I have known several people who are poz, and while it no longer kills the way it once did because of medical research, the stigma like a scarlet letter remains. Not to mention there is a myth in the straight world that we cannot get AIDS. Lie. Good for her. Love you Livi!
3. JJ Watt. This dude is one of my favorites. This defensive end for the Houston Texans has fascinated me since I first saw him beat the living snot without struggle against the Jets. Not only is he big, but he is quick, a rare combo in football. I read more about this young man and during his time at his first college he felt directionless and dropped out. After delivering pizzas for a bit he had an encounter with a fan and that changed him mind. Back in college he was and off to Wisconsin he went to play. Now he is a huge star with Houston and is only getting bigger. Off the field he is a star as well. A true role model, he has not broken the law or fathered any children out of wedlock. Not to mention Mr. Watt took time out of his busy schedule to travel to Sandy Hook to play a game of football with the children there to ease the mind off of the hell that has been their December. In a time in their lives that they will want to forget, he will be the memory they want to keep. Good on you JJ Watt for showing us what it is to be a true MVP. (Not to mention he is HAWT!!!!, oh-rhymes with Watt).
Love April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon
Portion of proceeds go to the victims of the Sandy Hook Shooting
2. Miss Universe. Olivia Culpo has just moved to New York and is looking for love. Beautiful and outgoing, it is easy to hate her. However, she is using her time constructively not just for college but also to champion causes such as HIV/AIDS Awareness. Over the years I have known several people who are poz, and while it no longer kills the way it once did because of medical research, the stigma like a scarlet letter remains. Not to mention there is a myth in the straight world that we cannot get AIDS. Lie. Good for her. Love you Livi!
3. JJ Watt. This dude is one of my favorites. This defensive end for the Houston Texans has fascinated me since I first saw him beat the living snot without struggle against the Jets. Not only is he big, but he is quick, a rare combo in football. I read more about this young man and during his time at his first college he felt directionless and dropped out. After delivering pizzas for a bit he had an encounter with a fan and that changed him mind. Back in college he was and off to Wisconsin he went to play. Now he is a huge star with Houston and is only getting bigger. Off the field he is a star as well. A true role model, he has not broken the law or fathered any children out of wedlock. Not to mention Mr. Watt took time out of his busy schedule to travel to Sandy Hook to play a game of football with the children there to ease the mind off of the hell that has been their December. In a time in their lives that they will want to forget, he will be the memory they want to keep. Good on you JJ Watt for showing us what it is to be a true MVP. (Not to mention he is HAWT!!!!, oh-rhymes with Watt).
Love April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon
Portion of proceeds go to the victims of the Sandy Hook Shooting
Losers of the Week
Well the votes are in and these two have taken the cake. As in the assholes are stinking up the place by being themselves. What I mean is these two morons personify losers.
1. John Boehner. Says, his name sounds like Boner, I just wish Beavis and Butthead were here to rip this creep a new one. It's bad enough that he doesn't like women, gays or other people of color. But after a while you get used to that. But this is today's complaint with King John. There was supposed to be a 60 million dollar bill to help Sandy Victims in places like Breezy Point, The Rockaways, Staten Island and parts of Jersey. Well Bone-head was going to vote to pass it, but then he threw a hissy fit about not getting his way with the fiscal cliff and basically has done everything in his power to make sure those who need aid have to wait. Yes, the Sandy vics who have no homes and are living in trailers in this freezing cold begging FEMA for heat and dependent on space heaters have to wait. All because Johnny from Ohio didn't get his way. I would say he needs to go to hell, but that would be too nice a place. Rather, I hope they let him loose in Breezy Point where former fire fighters, many who may have voted on the conservative side in the past mind you, can beat the living breathing shit out of this waste of flesh. You stabbed New York in the back Mr. Boehner, and now I am crucifying you on my blog. I already didn't like you but now I hate you. Happy New Year, Dickhead.
King John eats beef and potatoes while the people of Queens, Staten Island, and New Jersey Starve.
2. Fantasia Barrino. I shouldn't be surprised that this former American Idol winner, songstress, adultress, all around stupid ass, and breeding lump makes the list. But yes she does. Fantasia is not known for her brains, and while some rave about her vocal chops I want to deck her in the mouth everytime she sings one of her God awful songs because to me she is just awful. Well Ms. Syphilis did a Donna Summer and went on an anti-gay rant on twitter. Basically she said that people were doing all the things that they shouldn't do in the Bible (a book rewritten and re-edited by some very creative storytellers) and they were legalizing weed and gays were getting married. Wait a minute? You just alienated most of the people that voted for you on American Idol you dumb cow. They stood by you when you cried the blues of being a teen slut who popped out a little baby and helped you win on TV. So your career which was basically fading into obscurity is now over. Then she wants to talk about the Bible. Let's take Fantasia's inventory shall we? She had a child out of wedlock-a no no. Then she committed adultry-another no no and that one is actually listed in the Ten Commandments. Finally, she had a child with this man and he still is not technically divorced-another big no to the no to the NO NO! Later she took it down and said it was "taken out of context." Yeah, Rick Santorum tried the same thing. Anyway, luckily her career is starting to take a down turn and she is rapidly fading into obscurity. Now because the suicide attempt didn't take, lets hope she does a Ruben Studdard and just goes away and no one asks questions. She is certainly gaining the weight. But rest assured Fantasia is a cunt, after all, that seems to be the muscle she uses on her body most ;)
She who is without sin shall cast the first stone you ignorant hole
1. John Boehner. Says, his name sounds like Boner, I just wish Beavis and Butthead were here to rip this creep a new one. It's bad enough that he doesn't like women, gays or other people of color. But after a while you get used to that. But this is today's complaint with King John. There was supposed to be a 60 million dollar bill to help Sandy Victims in places like Breezy Point, The Rockaways, Staten Island and parts of Jersey. Well Bone-head was going to vote to pass it, but then he threw a hissy fit about not getting his way with the fiscal cliff and basically has done everything in his power to make sure those who need aid have to wait. Yes, the Sandy vics who have no homes and are living in trailers in this freezing cold begging FEMA for heat and dependent on space heaters have to wait. All because Johnny from Ohio didn't get his way. I would say he needs to go to hell, but that would be too nice a place. Rather, I hope they let him loose in Breezy Point where former fire fighters, many who may have voted on the conservative side in the past mind you, can beat the living breathing shit out of this waste of flesh. You stabbed New York in the back Mr. Boehner, and now I am crucifying you on my blog. I already didn't like you but now I hate you. Happy New Year, Dickhead.
King John eats beef and potatoes while the people of Queens, Staten Island, and New Jersey Starve. 2. Fantasia Barrino. I shouldn't be surprised that this former American Idol winner, songstress, adultress, all around stupid ass, and breeding lump makes the list. But yes she does. Fantasia is not known for her brains, and while some rave about her vocal chops I want to deck her in the mouth everytime she sings one of her God awful songs because to me she is just awful. Well Ms. Syphilis did a Donna Summer and went on an anti-gay rant on twitter. Basically she said that people were doing all the things that they shouldn't do in the Bible (a book rewritten and re-edited by some very creative storytellers) and they were legalizing weed and gays were getting married. Wait a minute? You just alienated most of the people that voted for you on American Idol you dumb cow. They stood by you when you cried the blues of being a teen slut who popped out a little baby and helped you win on TV. So your career which was basically fading into obscurity is now over. Then she wants to talk about the Bible. Let's take Fantasia's inventory shall we? She had a child out of wedlock-a no no. Then she committed adultry-another no no and that one is actually listed in the Ten Commandments. Finally, she had a child with this man and he still is not technically divorced-another big no to the no to the NO NO! Later she took it down and said it was "taken out of context." Yeah, Rick Santorum tried the same thing. Anyway, luckily her career is starting to take a down turn and she is rapidly fading into obscurity. Now because the suicide attempt didn't take, lets hope she does a Ruben Studdard and just goes away and no one asks questions. She is certainly gaining the weight. But rest assured Fantasia is a cunt, after all, that seems to be the muscle she uses on her body most ;)
She who is without sin shall cast the first stone you ignorant holeJanuary 2, 2013
April Brucker is Not Impressed With You
Today I was walking down the street in my lil white fur when a car stopped to ask me where I got it from. They were two strapping young men. I had a session to record my audio book and my sound engineer had been moving apartments so he was running late. He has been my friend since freshmen year acting studio. It wasn't a problem. I know he is going to give me a good product.
Anyway, I stop to talk to these guys part out of just whatever and they asked me where I got my coat. So they introduce themselves as Nick and Amadeus. Well then as we are talking Amadeus tells me he is a guitarist. I asked him if he is any good. He is named after a famous composer. Anyway, he says, "Yeah, this is me playing." So he turns up this seventies sounding guitar track. I am like, oh pretty good. I asked if that was actually him, impressed. He says no, it was the Grateful Dead, whatever.
I had to laugh. Men are such morons when it comes to getting laid. At least he had the decency to come clean. Well we chatted some more and I gave him my digits and then off I was to meet Archie, my sound engineer buddy.
So anyway, Amadeus and I ended up texting.
This is how it went.
Amadeus: Wondering how soft your rabbit fur coat is. Mmmmm, what is under it?
Me: Wouldn't you like to know.
Translated, this is a loser horny male and this could only get entertaining. I have a feeling he does not get much action and that will soon reveal itself.
Amadeus: I sure would sexsy. Too bad I have to bring this car up to Vermont to see my grandparents tomorrow.
Does your grandmother know you are being so fresh. I didnt respond back. Kill it before it goes any further.
Amadeus: Would you like to see something long and hard?
Oh like a ruler? I take it you don't have one. From the way you misspelled sexy it seems you didn't spend much time in school.
I didn't reply and I thought that would kill it. Oh no. Instead, he decides he has got to up his game and he sends me a picture of his dick. YES HE SENT ME A DICK PIC. What am I supposed to do? Look at it and just decide to randomly get on my knees and service him? Should I rip my clothes off and let him pound me, stranger who is driving his grandparents car? Stranger with dorky hipster glasses and no muscle mass? I would just as soon let a prison pen pal do that, at least I know they are hot.
I take a second look at the dick pic. It is not even a hot dick pic. The thing looks a little skinny and sickly. Not to mention very veiny and a little on the small side. And the tip looks too much like a mushroom. I wanted to write back, "I realize you want to nickname your penis Sylvester Stalone, but it is more like Tom Cruise on Scientology: Little, annoying, and weird."
Seriously, what was the purpose of that? Was that to impress me.
Well Amadeus, I have news for you. McKayla Maroney was not impressed at the Olympics and went so far to show the world how she felt when she won the silver metal. And Amadeus, you will not be rocking me tonight because April Brucker is not impressed with you.
AMADICKUS!
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon
Portion of the proceeds go to benefit the kids of Sandy Hook
Anyway, I stop to talk to these guys part out of just whatever and they asked me where I got my coat. So they introduce themselves as Nick and Amadeus. Well then as we are talking Amadeus tells me he is a guitarist. I asked him if he is any good. He is named after a famous composer. Anyway, he says, "Yeah, this is me playing." So he turns up this seventies sounding guitar track. I am like, oh pretty good. I asked if that was actually him, impressed. He says no, it was the Grateful Dead, whatever.
I had to laugh. Men are such morons when it comes to getting laid. At least he had the decency to come clean. Well we chatted some more and I gave him my digits and then off I was to meet Archie, my sound engineer buddy.
So anyway, Amadeus and I ended up texting.
This is how it went.
Amadeus: Wondering how soft your rabbit fur coat is. Mmmmm, what is under it?
Me: Wouldn't you like to know.
Translated, this is a loser horny male and this could only get entertaining. I have a feeling he does not get much action and that will soon reveal itself.
Amadeus: I sure would sexsy. Too bad I have to bring this car up to Vermont to see my grandparents tomorrow.
Does your grandmother know you are being so fresh. I didnt respond back. Kill it before it goes any further.
Amadeus: Would you like to see something long and hard?
Oh like a ruler? I take it you don't have one. From the way you misspelled sexy it seems you didn't spend much time in school.
I didn't reply and I thought that would kill it. Oh no. Instead, he decides he has got to up his game and he sends me a picture of his dick. YES HE SENT ME A DICK PIC. What am I supposed to do? Look at it and just decide to randomly get on my knees and service him? Should I rip my clothes off and let him pound me, stranger who is driving his grandparents car? Stranger with dorky hipster glasses and no muscle mass? I would just as soon let a prison pen pal do that, at least I know they are hot.
I take a second look at the dick pic. It is not even a hot dick pic. The thing looks a little skinny and sickly. Not to mention very veiny and a little on the small side. And the tip looks too much like a mushroom. I wanted to write back, "I realize you want to nickname your penis Sylvester Stalone, but it is more like Tom Cruise on Scientology: Little, annoying, and weird."
Seriously, what was the purpose of that? Was that to impress me.
Well Amadeus, I have news for you. McKayla Maroney was not impressed at the Olympics and went so far to show the world how she felt when she won the silver metal. And Amadeus, you will not be rocking me tonight because April Brucker is not impressed with you.
AMADICKUS!Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon
Portion of the proceeds go to benefit the kids of Sandy Hook
Men With Hard Hats
I often hit the corner store on 10th and 44th before or after the gym depending on how I feel. Sometimes after if I go early, sometimes before when I wake up late. It is because I am a fainter and need the quick sugar rush. Usually I see a bunch of characters there. I see Jackson and the rest of the guys coming from shift change. Jackson usually is getting off work, going on about something, and then getting ready to go home. It's usually something that makes me laugh. Cleveland usually enters. He talks about how he needs a white woman and then the world will know that he is okay. I tell Cleveland to get a Spanish girl. White women are work. Cleveland says, "A Spanish woman will stab you!"
Then there are the iron workers and guys on the high rise starting their day, bearing the elements. We usually talk about the weather and how it is either hot as hell or cold as a layer of hell that is left to be unspoken of. It is a burst of testosterone that is refreshingly male. We talk about the nutcases in the news, sports, and more sports. They had a few things to say about Johnny Football winning the Heisman. From what I saw of the kid I liked him a lot, and this is just the beginning for the wunderkind QB from Tivy High School, Giggem!
It is usually interesting to talk to these guys because although they are different than me on the surface we value a quick and fast brand of justice and an honest life. I know they get paid well. Personally I could never be a welder. Sure, I could be like the chick in Flashdance-I am from Pittsburgh. My grandfather was a machinist in the mill and my great grandfather a roll turner. But it is too damn hard for me. I would probably burn myself.
These guys are usually fun to talk to and joke with. They get it, trying to make money and working the grind. To me, they are the most real people I encounter. So many times on my adventures I meet the ass kissers who want to get ahead. Or people who want something. It's like oh please, who are you kidding? I also meet people pretending to be someone in order to impress, and when they name drop it falls flat with me because I know the person they speak of and usually the moron in question was never at the places they said they were. I know because I was there. I sort of like keeping my secrets like that.
Despite the bravado I exhibit online and in my videos, I am sort of shy in person. I am not showy. I don't wear makeup when I don't have to. Yes I campaign for women's rights, but I am friends with a lot of guys. I like sports and so do they. God gave me a man's brain, I feel it sometimes. That is why when these guys relate their troubles with women at the corner store I say, "Yup, you are correct. They are nuts. I can't tell you what they want because no woman really knows what she wants so you are damned to keep guessing."
They all ask me what I do from time to time and I am kind of vague. I say I write when asked. It's true, I did write a damn book. But I am a woman of many hats. I play with puppets, make music, write musicals, perform comedy and have done all of this for some of the toughest crowds around. Not to mention once I was performing in the street and May Wilson and I were nearly stabbed by a homeless crackhead. Another time we did a show for a bunch of bikers-my friend Carucci recruited them to see me-and there was a brawl on the outside of the bar.
I have had fans who have been accused of capital crimes such as murder, and one who has written me on and off from jail. I have had fans missing teeth in vital places because they have been punched out. Hell, I caught on fire once at my job and knew to stop, drop, and roll. My friends have been former hustlers and drug dealers who while they cleaned up bent the rules to their liking making them the ultimate characters. Many have been the nightmares of Conservative Republicans and the like. Some are Conservative gun nuts who would shoot a man if they came on their land.
When I think of it, I wear a hard hat in my own right. Actually, I probably should have a helmet to live in my world from time to time. No wonder I fit right in.
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon.
Portion of proceeds go to the victims of Sandy Hook in Newton, CT
Then there are the iron workers and guys on the high rise starting their day, bearing the elements. We usually talk about the weather and how it is either hot as hell or cold as a layer of hell that is left to be unspoken of. It is a burst of testosterone that is refreshingly male. We talk about the nutcases in the news, sports, and more sports. They had a few things to say about Johnny Football winning the Heisman. From what I saw of the kid I liked him a lot, and this is just the beginning for the wunderkind QB from Tivy High School, Giggem!
It is usually interesting to talk to these guys because although they are different than me on the surface we value a quick and fast brand of justice and an honest life. I know they get paid well. Personally I could never be a welder. Sure, I could be like the chick in Flashdance-I am from Pittsburgh. My grandfather was a machinist in the mill and my great grandfather a roll turner. But it is too damn hard for me. I would probably burn myself.
These guys are usually fun to talk to and joke with. They get it, trying to make money and working the grind. To me, they are the most real people I encounter. So many times on my adventures I meet the ass kissers who want to get ahead. Or people who want something. It's like oh please, who are you kidding? I also meet people pretending to be someone in order to impress, and when they name drop it falls flat with me because I know the person they speak of and usually the moron in question was never at the places they said they were. I know because I was there. I sort of like keeping my secrets like that.
Despite the bravado I exhibit online and in my videos, I am sort of shy in person. I am not showy. I don't wear makeup when I don't have to. Yes I campaign for women's rights, but I am friends with a lot of guys. I like sports and so do they. God gave me a man's brain, I feel it sometimes. That is why when these guys relate their troubles with women at the corner store I say, "Yup, you are correct. They are nuts. I can't tell you what they want because no woman really knows what she wants so you are damned to keep guessing."
They all ask me what I do from time to time and I am kind of vague. I say I write when asked. It's true, I did write a damn book. But I am a woman of many hats. I play with puppets, make music, write musicals, perform comedy and have done all of this for some of the toughest crowds around. Not to mention once I was performing in the street and May Wilson and I were nearly stabbed by a homeless crackhead. Another time we did a show for a bunch of bikers-my friend Carucci recruited them to see me-and there was a brawl on the outside of the bar.
I have had fans who have been accused of capital crimes such as murder, and one who has written me on and off from jail. I have had fans missing teeth in vital places because they have been punched out. Hell, I caught on fire once at my job and knew to stop, drop, and roll. My friends have been former hustlers and drug dealers who while they cleaned up bent the rules to their liking making them the ultimate characters. Many have been the nightmares of Conservative Republicans and the like. Some are Conservative gun nuts who would shoot a man if they came on their land.
When I think of it, I wear a hard hat in my own right. Actually, I probably should have a helmet to live in my world from time to time. No wonder I fit right in.
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
Available as a paperback and ebook on Amazon.
Portion of proceeds go to the victims of Sandy Hook in Newton, CT
January 1, 2013
Nutcase of the Day
I had a woman make some puppets for me a few years ago who was a bit of a nut. This lady designed May for me actually as well as Mom. Well Mom was supposed to be another May but she messed it up. Plus Mom’s eye kept popping off. Anyway, while she was a religious fanatic she was a great puppet designer, when she was on task. So recently I wrote to her to have a new May designed because May Wilson needs upgraded. I didn’t hear. I assumed she was busy with the holidays. So I wrote her back to see what was up on her facbook wall. This was her reply:
I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. I've been trying to decide how to respond to your inquiry. So here's the deal --- I've seen some of your stuff online, the videos on You-Tube etc. And I'm bothered by the nature of your humor, the off-color jokes and such that are just offensive to me. And while I respect your right to do your show any way you want, and I'm sure that there are plenty of people who find irreverence and foul language funny, I'm not one of them. It bothers me that puppets I have made are being used so disrespectfully. So I am sorry I can't help you, but I am declining the opportunity to contribute any further to your show, and will not be making any more puppets for you.
First off, I was a very high profile client of hers and she listed me as a success story on her website. Satan didn’t bother her that much when I was getting on TV. Did you finally find God when I started branching out and using other designers? Also, what the hell are you talking about? I am a comedian and a member of the secular world. While sometimes my mother would like me to be cleaner, I am hardly the worst of the worst when it comes to be being a guttermouth. Again, I will not apologize for being a member of the secular world. Yes, the secular world where we believe that humans descended from apes and there is fossil evidence to back this up. The secular world where dinosaurs are explained. The secular world where we realize stem cell research saves lives. The secular world where a woman’s right to choose is her right and we realize no matter what she is backed up against the wall. The secular world where we realize homosexuality is not a choice but rather the way a person is born, and that person pays taxes and works and should not be treated as a second class citizen. Need I go on?This past election has shown that the way of thinking of this Christian nutcases is dying and fast-thank God. She can say whatever she wants about me and my brand of humor. I will also keep in mind she believes God created Earth one day out of boredom and poof made the Garden of Eden complete with a naked woman, a naked dude, and a talking snake. Sounds like a Disney movie. And not to mention she champions it to be taught in schools. And Christian nutcase would probably be the ultimate hypocrite in any sort of disaster situation. Sure my brand of humor might be “offensive.” My use of her puppets might be “disrespectful.” But I have used my videos to speak out against bullying, hate, homophobia, sexism, an end to HIV/AIDS discrimination, and to advocate for children who survived one of the worst shootings in American history. I am not terribly religious but I think Jesus would have been more likely to have championed that than a searing letter to a good customer. That is why as long as we are measuring who is the better person, I think I am winning. Wait, it is not a contest. I don't do good deeds in order to get attentions from others. I do them because they are right. This woman would do them because there was something to gain.CHRISTIAN!Maybe it’s better I am not using her. She was nuts anyway. I thanked her for all she had done for me and then wished her a Happy New Year and said I knew I couldn’t change her mind. Fine. I hope she finds peace. I hope God or whatever fuels her delusions continues to guide her. I hope she realizes that I am not referring anymore people to her crazy ass.
LoveAprilI Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl877-Buy-BookAvailable as a paperback and ebook on AmazonPortion of proceeds go to the children of Sandy Hook
What I Did on NYE
Everyone has lots of plans and schemes NYE. Some people want to ring in the new and out with the old by going to Times Square. It's a big mistake. They corral the people in like animals and the cops make it hellacious to get in and to get out. Not to mention everyone there has been drinking since they woke up that day and now they are mucho hammered. Oh, and there are so many people that it is hard to really get anywhere and going to the bathroom-well that is a thought that will have to wait until tomorrow. But the upside of that is that everyone is generally in good spirits and strangers hug strangers.
But anyone who lives in NYC and knows anything knows to stay the hell away. As for going to a friend's party, well getting there is hard because the streets have restricted access. So I stayed in. I had plenty to do. I cleaned my apartment which desperately needed to be done and tackled my refrigerator-I swear some of my leftovers have grown legs. But I spent my time really productively.
No, I did not make my grandmother a great grandchild, although some drunken stranger would have gladly helped.
I redrafted my musical. For months my dad has been pushing me to write a musical version of my book. But publication is work, and so is the final editing that goes into it. Plus there is all the drama of marketing a book. So the musical was on the back back burner. Not to mention that putting on a musical is difficult. You need to write it. Then you need to find a composer without a drinking problem or any other personal issue, and if they do make sure that it doesnt interfere with their work, a task in NYC. Not to mention actors who can sing, dance, act, and show up on time. Affordable rehearsal space and a theatre to put it in plus set designers and it is complicated. So I held off on that.
But my dad kept pushing me to do it and I decided to give it a try. The musical at first did not come as easily as my book. Let me tell you how many times I just wrote and deleted the first page on my computer. So after weighing everything I abandoned ship, that is until my dad asked me about it a few weeks ago.
Well I started again and this time I just decided to have fun. I would worry about the external details later. And guess what, I finished all three acts plus songs in a matter of a few days. I shot the final draft to my mother who read it with me Heisman weekend and finished when she was at Duke with my sister. While my mom liked the concept she had a few suggestions. Over Christmas we read through it a little. The first and second act were good but the third act needed a lot of work.
New Years Eve came and I had no plans. So I spent all night trimming some fat and reworking some songs from the first and second act, and rewrote the third act almost entirely. I also had more fun with the stage directions and other things that remain to be seen-that is-unless you decide to see my musical. Well the first and second and third act are now in a good place. Realistically more fat probably needs to be trimmed and some of the songs still need work but it is in a workable place rather than the Jackson Pollack splatter of ideas and songs that it was earlier. I wrote a second draft of my musical. While part of me can believe it because I have always been a doer, I am proud of myself for doing. Most of all, I am proud of myself for making my dreams a reality.
After I got done I sent the musical to my mother for review. Then I watched Season 1 of Soul Food and took a bubble bath before going to sleep. This morning I took a walk around Times Square, the mess of last night being taken up by good public servants. The place was a ghost town because the world is asleep.
I know the next phase of my musical project is to of course find a composer, find a cast, and find a set and costume designer. Of course there is the question of whether to go off Broadway or regional and then there is the producer and the agent and all that happy horse shit.
But I have a workable second draft and am meeting with someone to discuss putting my book on tape on itunes. There will also be more videos coming. I also need to find somewhere to watch football. Both Johnny Football and Manti T'eo are playing and possibly Collin Klein.
I live in the city that never sleeps and I barely sleep.
Happy New Year!!!!
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available in paperback and ebook on Amazon
Portion of the proceeds go to the victims of Sandy Hook
But anyone who lives in NYC and knows anything knows to stay the hell away. As for going to a friend's party, well getting there is hard because the streets have restricted access. So I stayed in. I had plenty to do. I cleaned my apartment which desperately needed to be done and tackled my refrigerator-I swear some of my leftovers have grown legs. But I spent my time really productively.
No, I did not make my grandmother a great grandchild, although some drunken stranger would have gladly helped.
I redrafted my musical. For months my dad has been pushing me to write a musical version of my book. But publication is work, and so is the final editing that goes into it. Plus there is all the drama of marketing a book. So the musical was on the back back burner. Not to mention that putting on a musical is difficult. You need to write it. Then you need to find a composer without a drinking problem or any other personal issue, and if they do make sure that it doesnt interfere with their work, a task in NYC. Not to mention actors who can sing, dance, act, and show up on time. Affordable rehearsal space and a theatre to put it in plus set designers and it is complicated. So I held off on that.
But my dad kept pushing me to do it and I decided to give it a try. The musical at first did not come as easily as my book. Let me tell you how many times I just wrote and deleted the first page on my computer. So after weighing everything I abandoned ship, that is until my dad asked me about it a few weeks ago.
Well I started again and this time I just decided to have fun. I would worry about the external details later. And guess what, I finished all three acts plus songs in a matter of a few days. I shot the final draft to my mother who read it with me Heisman weekend and finished when she was at Duke with my sister. While my mom liked the concept she had a few suggestions. Over Christmas we read through it a little. The first and second act were good but the third act needed a lot of work.
New Years Eve came and I had no plans. So I spent all night trimming some fat and reworking some songs from the first and second act, and rewrote the third act almost entirely. I also had more fun with the stage directions and other things that remain to be seen-that is-unless you decide to see my musical. Well the first and second and third act are now in a good place. Realistically more fat probably needs to be trimmed and some of the songs still need work but it is in a workable place rather than the Jackson Pollack splatter of ideas and songs that it was earlier. I wrote a second draft of my musical. While part of me can believe it because I have always been a doer, I am proud of myself for doing. Most of all, I am proud of myself for making my dreams a reality.
After I got done I sent the musical to my mother for review. Then I watched Season 1 of Soul Food and took a bubble bath before going to sleep. This morning I took a walk around Times Square, the mess of last night being taken up by good public servants. The place was a ghost town because the world is asleep.
I know the next phase of my musical project is to of course find a composer, find a cast, and find a set and costume designer. Of course there is the question of whether to go off Broadway or regional and then there is the producer and the agent and all that happy horse shit.
But I have a workable second draft and am meeting with someone to discuss putting my book on tape on itunes. There will also be more videos coming. I also need to find somewhere to watch football. Both Johnny Football and Manti T'eo are playing and possibly Collin Klein.
I live in the city that never sleeps and I barely sleep.
Happy New Year!!!!
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available in paperback and ebook on Amazon
Portion of the proceeds go to the victims of Sandy Hook
December 31, 2012
Lessons I Learned in 2012
1. I had a TV show that was being pitched that didn't go forward. This has happened to me for the mteenth time. Truth of the matter is, for as upset as I was, I learned a lot from the experience. I learned that while it almost happened but didn't, I am almost there and that's what happened.
2. I left a post at a company I was at because things were starting to be unfair. While it was tempting to bad mouth my former bosses, I didnt. They taught me a lot, gave me a platform to be myself, and proved I could produce a weekly webshow on the regular. No experience is wasted if you use it wisely, bottom line.
3. While being an activist and standing up for what you believe in is wonderful, sometimes you need to keep your POV off of facebook. After five hours of fighting online you are "winning" like Charlie Sheen aka looking like an assweed.
4. Be where your feet are. Sometimes it is not so pleasant, but when you are there you can see that life is beautiful beyond your imagination.
5. Be happy for other people even when your life isn't going smoothly. When they get that job, that house, or that guy/girl maybe this is something they hoped and dreamed for their entire lives, and also, that accomplishment may be it for them.
6. Not everyone will be happy you succeed, and some of your so-called friends may tell you that you developed an ego when you have what is called confidence. Those so-called friends are not your friends. Don't feel any guilt in letting them go.
7. Everyone has different talents and gifts, no one has everything. So if someone drops the ball sometimes, it is not a reflection on you or them, it is life.
8. I published a book. Sometimes I still don't know how I pulled that one off. But what I do know is that I worked really hard, made the project the center of my world, and put one foot in front of the other and did the next right thing. Bottom line, it was a ton of work and nearly killed me. It was worth doing though and I am proud of myself.
9. Treat your body kindly, you only get one. Dental health especially is no joke. Don't ignore pain and hope it will go away. If it persists see a doctor. Also, thank your doctor. They work hard, study hard, and they probably won't earn a ton of money unless their loans are paid off. Most of the time they do want to help you.
10. Physical exercise is better than therapy.
11. While sleeping late is great dont make a habit of it. The world will pass you by and you'll miss out on a lot of great adventures.
12. You don't know as much as you think you do. Ask for help.
13. Don't be witty or funny at the expense of someone else. It's not humorous, it's cruel. At times you think they might think it's funny make sure you know the person well first, otherwise you might lose a good friend.
14. Respect law enforcement. This past year I had a fan stalk me. The expererience was scary, left me uneasy, and made me cry on the phone to my mother. I was so stressed I was unable to eat. Reporting the incident to the useless woman at the desk made me want to take up arms. However, when my detective called me was concerned and nothing short of lovely. He knew I was scared and did everything he could to help me. Detectives are legitimately concerned for their victims, and our men and women in uniform do their best to protect the people.
15. Know where you are going. Sometimes you cannot see the forest for the trees but it does get easier. Sometimes you just need a machete.
16. Talented and successful people are not afraid of other talented and successful people. While every organization has the so called cool kids, this isn't high school. You can be a cool kid by being yourself and doing the best job possible. I went to a friend's show at Caroline's and felt an anxious apartness because I was not "cool." Needless to say, the cool kids were not only kind to thank me for coming out and supporting, but also wanted to know more about my book and how I was publishing. Bottom line: the cool kids are people too.
17. Work hard and keep working hard. No one will make your dreams come true but you.
18. Check your ego at the door. Life is not fair. Sometimes no matter what you accomplished, there are rules you still must follow. Some people do not know who you think you are.
19. Keep setting goals and ask for feedback. Any feedback is good. Some is idiot, but there might be gold in there.
20. Entertainment is a marathon, not a sprint. And it is a marathon where the race ends in different places. Some people become standups and that's who they are. Others become actors. There are those who become writers. And then there are the folks who become agents, managers, club owners and behind the scenes folks. Of course, there is the population who uses their talents as motivational speakers etc. My point is, everyone is going in different directions. Keep your eyes on your goals. It evens out in the end, and most of the time everyone who finishes the race ends up working together.
21. My life and career are different than I thought they would be. This past year I have been on the OWN Network, have been on TV overseas, have been on TV overseas again, had a hit song on the internet, had a web show that almost got picked up, and wrote and published a book. It is not the destination but the journey that counts.
22. My friend Joe Cannava may have pushed me to write my book, but years before him my mom had asked me to do it and came up with the title. My dad is pushing me to write the musical and has scoped out my spot for my pic on the wall of Sardi's. Bottom line, parents have good ideas sometimes.
23. Technique is your friend. As a young artist I hated the idea of technique and breathing. Voice and speech were my worst classes. But now I see they are my most important. When all else fails and nerves take over or you have to sing on a special occasion, technique is all you have. And if you lose your voice you are dead. Thank you Erick Buckley, Scott Flaherty, and Jan Douglas for not choking the ever blessed life out of me. Years later I get you.
24. Do the best you can on every job. Even if it doesnt go the way you want, your hard work will open more doors.
25. Take a risk. I went into the corporate office of Barnes and Noble and gave them my book proposal. They informed me this was not usually done, but as a small press company I am now available on the website and will ultimately be in the store.
26. Treat everyone with compassion. You dont know what is going on with them.
27. No matter how much hell a former employer causes you, dont bad mouth them. It only makes you look bitter. Plus it may destroy your love for something that drives you. For a long time I was angry at the comedy club that dropped me after I put them on national television several times. As a result, it destroyed my love of comedy. I gave them too much power. Shame on me.
28. From bad comes something good. In 2009, my pilot didnt get picked up and a TV appearance fell flat. Doors slammed in my face. As a result I became a very good comedian and put away some good sets. I also became a supurb ventriloquist because I started performing on the street. In 2010, I was fired from a club I did a lot of work for and put on national televison several times. I was sort of blackballed in my own community for my "fame seeking." No matter, I made a movie, got a job as a talking head on the internet where I got PAID, got to perform for royalty and other high profile people, kept getting on TV, got my music on the radio and had an internet hit, and I wrote and published a book. None of that would have happened had I become a superstar at that dump.
29. If you want to diss someone, don't tell them off. Just pretend you don't know them. It's less drama and it hits them where it hurts. It's a trick my friend Chacho taught me. Maybe he didn't know how to stay off drugs or to stop breaking the law, but he knew that.
30. While it is nice to help the downtrotten, when someone is continully unlucky there is a reason for it. AVOID THEM!!!!
31. Always think and dream big. Never settle.
32. Always be careful what you say. My late friend Joe Cannava once told me that when I spoke people listened to me. People listen to all of us. What kind of impression do you want to leave.
33. Fresh socks and fresh underwear are your friends.
34. What a difference a shower and a good night sleep make.
35. When you fall on your ass get back up.
36. If reputation and character were to meet they would be strangers.
37. Never engage in gossip. It is character assasination and bullying. None of it is ever true. I was the subject of some terrible gossip, and someone who I had bad mouthed in the past stepped up to defend me. I am thankful they did but feel terrible. So terrible I make it my business not to trash talk.
38. A natural disaster like Sandy leaves you agitated that you are housebound. But so is everyone else, and some folks dont have power. Make the best of it. Because as always there are people who have it worse.
39. The only way around feelings is to talk through them.
40. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
41. Sometimes part of being an adult is doing adult things, like Jury Duty. Don't try to get out of it. If anything, it gives you more respect for the judicial system and the lawyers who work there. Also, it is like a bad open call and there is always drama. FREE SHOW!
42. Vote, vote, and vote again. Your voice counts, and you have no right to complain unless you cast a ballot.
43. Politics-unless the person is named Adolf Hitler or David Duke-do not define them. It takes many ideas-not just yours-to make the world go around.
44. Life is too short to hold a grudge. Anger causes cancer and is time consuming.
45. Once someone shows you their ass write them off.
46. Dont be afraid to make friends who are different than you. They have perspective and knowledge that you dont.
47. Hate only releases more hate, so when hate speech starts leave the room. It will only put you in a bad mood.
48. When someone's life is continually chaotic, it means they are addicted to it and don't desire change. Run before they consume you.
49. If you meet someone once and don't like them, you might mee them years later and like them. People do change, and some of it might be you.
50. Being a part of an awards show is a privlege, not a right. You are enjoying what a person worked their whole life for. It is not just about a chance to party.
51. Family may drive you crazy, but in the end they will be the first ones there when things are bad and when things are good. Put them first.
52. Treat others like you want to be treated. Not only is it a golden rule, but it helps you win in the end in a deal.
53. Life is short and it is funny how the tables turn. In the past year I have seen many people who were mean to be, whether they are former classmates, other comedians, or former boyfriends, try to reach out and pretend that we are friends. The temptation to be cruel exists, but rather you should feel sorry for them. The days that they made you miserable were the greatest days of their lives and they are over, and your life just keeps getting better. Being cruel would be sinking to their level. Why would you want to give them the satisfaction that they even matter that much?
54. While it is wonderful to have an honest self examination, don't beat yourself up. We are all human and make mistakes and it keeps you from learning.
55. The only way to accomplish a goal is to do it.
56. Men who call a woman a man hater because she speaks out for other women are not only showing you that they think lowly of women, but are also modelling their lack of intelligence. Real men are not threatened by a smart woman who is able to stand up for others, that is why they consider Wonder Woman dead sexy.
57. When it comes to sports every man has a PhD. It is always an ice breaker with them.
58. No matter how nutty someone's religious belief is, the first amendment protects us all. There are people who follow their faith and try to be good people as well as all the bad people that follow as well. Every church, mosque, synagouge has their hipocrites but it also has people who truly want to do the right thing.
59. While there are some people who change, others never do. An ex of mine who was abusive wants to "apologize" when things are good in my life. He has shown me he is mentally unstable to the point I had to get a different mailing address. The key with people like that is to wish them well from a distance but to have no contact. It's not just for sanity but for your safety.
60. When life gets bigger, so does the stress. But it goes with career, personal, and spiritual growth. In the words of Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility."
61. Make a fool out of yourself once a day. Doing a strange, terrible version of Gangnam Style in Times Square got me on Korean TV.
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Paperback and ebook available on Amazon
Portion of proceeds go to Sandy Hook
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ky3J02_ZMgc&list=UU1XhN3fj2pUzvXj7UX-heng&index=1
2. I left a post at a company I was at because things were starting to be unfair. While it was tempting to bad mouth my former bosses, I didnt. They taught me a lot, gave me a platform to be myself, and proved I could produce a weekly webshow on the regular. No experience is wasted if you use it wisely, bottom line.
3. While being an activist and standing up for what you believe in is wonderful, sometimes you need to keep your POV off of facebook. After five hours of fighting online you are "winning" like Charlie Sheen aka looking like an assweed.
4. Be where your feet are. Sometimes it is not so pleasant, but when you are there you can see that life is beautiful beyond your imagination.
5. Be happy for other people even when your life isn't going smoothly. When they get that job, that house, or that guy/girl maybe this is something they hoped and dreamed for their entire lives, and also, that accomplishment may be it for them.
6. Not everyone will be happy you succeed, and some of your so-called friends may tell you that you developed an ego when you have what is called confidence. Those so-called friends are not your friends. Don't feel any guilt in letting them go.
7. Everyone has different talents and gifts, no one has everything. So if someone drops the ball sometimes, it is not a reflection on you or them, it is life.
8. I published a book. Sometimes I still don't know how I pulled that one off. But what I do know is that I worked really hard, made the project the center of my world, and put one foot in front of the other and did the next right thing. Bottom line, it was a ton of work and nearly killed me. It was worth doing though and I am proud of myself.
9. Treat your body kindly, you only get one. Dental health especially is no joke. Don't ignore pain and hope it will go away. If it persists see a doctor. Also, thank your doctor. They work hard, study hard, and they probably won't earn a ton of money unless their loans are paid off. Most of the time they do want to help you.
10. Physical exercise is better than therapy.
11. While sleeping late is great dont make a habit of it. The world will pass you by and you'll miss out on a lot of great adventures.
12. You don't know as much as you think you do. Ask for help.
13. Don't be witty or funny at the expense of someone else. It's not humorous, it's cruel. At times you think they might think it's funny make sure you know the person well first, otherwise you might lose a good friend.
14. Respect law enforcement. This past year I had a fan stalk me. The expererience was scary, left me uneasy, and made me cry on the phone to my mother. I was so stressed I was unable to eat. Reporting the incident to the useless woman at the desk made me want to take up arms. However, when my detective called me was concerned and nothing short of lovely. He knew I was scared and did everything he could to help me. Detectives are legitimately concerned for their victims, and our men and women in uniform do their best to protect the people.
15. Know where you are going. Sometimes you cannot see the forest for the trees but it does get easier. Sometimes you just need a machete.
16. Talented and successful people are not afraid of other talented and successful people. While every organization has the so called cool kids, this isn't high school. You can be a cool kid by being yourself and doing the best job possible. I went to a friend's show at Caroline's and felt an anxious apartness because I was not "cool." Needless to say, the cool kids were not only kind to thank me for coming out and supporting, but also wanted to know more about my book and how I was publishing. Bottom line: the cool kids are people too.
17. Work hard and keep working hard. No one will make your dreams come true but you.
18. Check your ego at the door. Life is not fair. Sometimes no matter what you accomplished, there are rules you still must follow. Some people do not know who you think you are.
19. Keep setting goals and ask for feedback. Any feedback is good. Some is idiot, but there might be gold in there.
20. Entertainment is a marathon, not a sprint. And it is a marathon where the race ends in different places. Some people become standups and that's who they are. Others become actors. There are those who become writers. And then there are the folks who become agents, managers, club owners and behind the scenes folks. Of course, there is the population who uses their talents as motivational speakers etc. My point is, everyone is going in different directions. Keep your eyes on your goals. It evens out in the end, and most of the time everyone who finishes the race ends up working together.
21. My life and career are different than I thought they would be. This past year I have been on the OWN Network, have been on TV overseas, have been on TV overseas again, had a hit song on the internet, had a web show that almost got picked up, and wrote and published a book. It is not the destination but the journey that counts.
22. My friend Joe Cannava may have pushed me to write my book, but years before him my mom had asked me to do it and came up with the title. My dad is pushing me to write the musical and has scoped out my spot for my pic on the wall of Sardi's. Bottom line, parents have good ideas sometimes.
23. Technique is your friend. As a young artist I hated the idea of technique and breathing. Voice and speech were my worst classes. But now I see they are my most important. When all else fails and nerves take over or you have to sing on a special occasion, technique is all you have. And if you lose your voice you are dead. Thank you Erick Buckley, Scott Flaherty, and Jan Douglas for not choking the ever blessed life out of me. Years later I get you.
24. Do the best you can on every job. Even if it doesnt go the way you want, your hard work will open more doors.
25. Take a risk. I went into the corporate office of Barnes and Noble and gave them my book proposal. They informed me this was not usually done, but as a small press company I am now available on the website and will ultimately be in the store.
26. Treat everyone with compassion. You dont know what is going on with them.
27. No matter how much hell a former employer causes you, dont bad mouth them. It only makes you look bitter. Plus it may destroy your love for something that drives you. For a long time I was angry at the comedy club that dropped me after I put them on national television several times. As a result, it destroyed my love of comedy. I gave them too much power. Shame on me.
28. From bad comes something good. In 2009, my pilot didnt get picked up and a TV appearance fell flat. Doors slammed in my face. As a result I became a very good comedian and put away some good sets. I also became a supurb ventriloquist because I started performing on the street. In 2010, I was fired from a club I did a lot of work for and put on national televison several times. I was sort of blackballed in my own community for my "fame seeking." No matter, I made a movie, got a job as a talking head on the internet where I got PAID, got to perform for royalty and other high profile people, kept getting on TV, got my music on the radio and had an internet hit, and I wrote and published a book. None of that would have happened had I become a superstar at that dump.
29. If you want to diss someone, don't tell them off. Just pretend you don't know them. It's less drama and it hits them where it hurts. It's a trick my friend Chacho taught me. Maybe he didn't know how to stay off drugs or to stop breaking the law, but he knew that.
30. While it is nice to help the downtrotten, when someone is continully unlucky there is a reason for it. AVOID THEM!!!!
31. Always think and dream big. Never settle.
32. Always be careful what you say. My late friend Joe Cannava once told me that when I spoke people listened to me. People listen to all of us. What kind of impression do you want to leave.
33. Fresh socks and fresh underwear are your friends.
34. What a difference a shower and a good night sleep make.
35. When you fall on your ass get back up.
36. If reputation and character were to meet they would be strangers.
37. Never engage in gossip. It is character assasination and bullying. None of it is ever true. I was the subject of some terrible gossip, and someone who I had bad mouthed in the past stepped up to defend me. I am thankful they did but feel terrible. So terrible I make it my business not to trash talk.
38. A natural disaster like Sandy leaves you agitated that you are housebound. But so is everyone else, and some folks dont have power. Make the best of it. Because as always there are people who have it worse.
39. The only way around feelings is to talk through them.
40. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
41. Sometimes part of being an adult is doing adult things, like Jury Duty. Don't try to get out of it. If anything, it gives you more respect for the judicial system and the lawyers who work there. Also, it is like a bad open call and there is always drama. FREE SHOW!
42. Vote, vote, and vote again. Your voice counts, and you have no right to complain unless you cast a ballot.
43. Politics-unless the person is named Adolf Hitler or David Duke-do not define them. It takes many ideas-not just yours-to make the world go around.
44. Life is too short to hold a grudge. Anger causes cancer and is time consuming.
45. Once someone shows you their ass write them off.
46. Dont be afraid to make friends who are different than you. They have perspective and knowledge that you dont.
47. Hate only releases more hate, so when hate speech starts leave the room. It will only put you in a bad mood.
48. When someone's life is continually chaotic, it means they are addicted to it and don't desire change. Run before they consume you.
49. If you meet someone once and don't like them, you might mee them years later and like them. People do change, and some of it might be you.
50. Being a part of an awards show is a privlege, not a right. You are enjoying what a person worked their whole life for. It is not just about a chance to party.
51. Family may drive you crazy, but in the end they will be the first ones there when things are bad and when things are good. Put them first.
52. Treat others like you want to be treated. Not only is it a golden rule, but it helps you win in the end in a deal.
53. Life is short and it is funny how the tables turn. In the past year I have seen many people who were mean to be, whether they are former classmates, other comedians, or former boyfriends, try to reach out and pretend that we are friends. The temptation to be cruel exists, but rather you should feel sorry for them. The days that they made you miserable were the greatest days of their lives and they are over, and your life just keeps getting better. Being cruel would be sinking to their level. Why would you want to give them the satisfaction that they even matter that much?
54. While it is wonderful to have an honest self examination, don't beat yourself up. We are all human and make mistakes and it keeps you from learning.
55. The only way to accomplish a goal is to do it.
56. Men who call a woman a man hater because she speaks out for other women are not only showing you that they think lowly of women, but are also modelling their lack of intelligence. Real men are not threatened by a smart woman who is able to stand up for others, that is why they consider Wonder Woman dead sexy.
57. When it comes to sports every man has a PhD. It is always an ice breaker with them.
58. No matter how nutty someone's religious belief is, the first amendment protects us all. There are people who follow their faith and try to be good people as well as all the bad people that follow as well. Every church, mosque, synagouge has their hipocrites but it also has people who truly want to do the right thing.
59. While there are some people who change, others never do. An ex of mine who was abusive wants to "apologize" when things are good in my life. He has shown me he is mentally unstable to the point I had to get a different mailing address. The key with people like that is to wish them well from a distance but to have no contact. It's not just for sanity but for your safety.
60. When life gets bigger, so does the stress. But it goes with career, personal, and spiritual growth. In the words of Spiderman, "With great power comes great responsibility."
61. Make a fool out of yourself once a day. Doing a strange, terrible version of Gangnam Style in Times Square got me on Korean TV.
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Paperback and ebook available on Amazon
Portion of proceeds go to Sandy Hook
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ky3J02_ZMgc&list=UU1XhN3fj2pUzvXj7UX-heng&index=1
December 30, 2012
Flipped Out Exchange of the Day
I usually get fan mail from the following people.
1. Fans.
2. Former classmates, high school and college complimenting me on my success.
3. Other comedians/artists in other places who like me, want to reach out, and make friends.
Usually the exchanges are very nice and follow a certain pattern. This piece of fan mail was from a former classmate of mine that I went to middle school with. This fan letter came into my box and is quite memorable. So memorable that I still don't know how to respond.
I went to school with you. I also saw u on my strange addiction. You're puppets are creep out, but strangely turn on at the same time. But your show on bptv was lame as he'll, and you wore to muchlipstick .why puppets , I can understand alcohol, or dope, or anything else. Bot why puppets
You look like Marilyn Monroe . But not as beautiful, but who is as beautiful as her. Take it as a complment.by the way my last name is Jones
How do I respond to this? Do I go through and correct his grammar and then thank him for the backhanded compliments?
On second thought, I think I will just ignore him.
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Paperback and ebook available on Amazon.com
Portion of proceeds go to Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, CT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ky3J02...
1. Fans.
2. Former classmates, high school and college complimenting me on my success.
3. Other comedians/artists in other places who like me, want to reach out, and make friends.
Usually the exchanges are very nice and follow a certain pattern. This piece of fan mail was from a former classmate of mine that I went to middle school with. This fan letter came into my box and is quite memorable. So memorable that I still don't know how to respond.
I went to school with you. I also saw u on my strange addiction. You're puppets are creep out, but strangely turn on at the same time. But your show on bptv was lame as he'll, and you wore to muchlipstick .why puppets , I can understand alcohol, or dope, or anything else. Bot why puppets
You look like Marilyn Monroe . But not as beautiful, but who is as beautiful as her. Take it as a complment.by the way my last name is Jones
How do I respond to this? Do I go through and correct his grammar and then thank him for the backhanded compliments?
On second thought, I think I will just ignore him.
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Paperback and ebook available on Amazon.com
Portion of proceeds go to Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newton, CT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ky3J02...
The Kids Aren't Alright (The Offspring)
A few kids I graduated with seem to be having trouble-lots of trouble-with the law. As in they just keep on breaking it. I should be the last one admonishing anyone for breaking a law or two or three. After all, a year ago a man on the run stole my heart. Still, we all live and learn the hard way.
About a year ago, I found out the kid I sat next to in seventh grade reading is on a registered sex offender in my state. The charge, possession of kiddie porn. I remember him being such a sweet kid. He was my activity partner, occasionally we made fun of this goody goody in our reading class together. Later he took a job at the high school but kind of fell off my radar, that is, until then. I remember it was such a gross out that I posted about it on facebook. Everyone wanted to know who was the classmate collecting kiddie porn. My aunt's niece (aunt through marriage) said not only did he collect kiddie porn, but he lived a few blocks from her kid's school with his parents. Eek me the hell out. What happened to this dude? He was nice. He was normal. Apparently a nice, normal, pedophile.
But he wasn't as bad as the other guy believe it or not. This dude was a year or two ahead of my brother and kind of odd. A lot of people just avoided him. I was an outcast so I never really looked down upon him. When I was eighteen, he sold me my winter coat before moving to NYC and said, "Are you going to become an actress? You are so perfect." Well we turn on the evening news and a story breaks about a man who tried to get sex from a one year old child being pimped out by it's mother. They named the suspect and then they showed him. I said, "HOLY SHIT! THAT'S THE MAN THAT SOLD ME MY COAT!" We were all shocked. Then it got worse. They were going to bail him out but during a search the cops discovered a diary where he described the girls in the neighborhood-all under ten- and listed them with plans to molest them. Usually I am not for excluding people-especially knowing kids can be mean-but maybe the majority knew something in this case. Either way, they had to keep him in jail because the parents in the neighborhood formed a lynch mob and had plans to kill him. I think in a case like this they should have just been allowed. Pedophiles can't be helped. Why waste my tax money to cloth them and feed hem in jail?
But that's not the craziest one. I went to wish a former classmate of mine happy birthday and found out that people were saying that they missed him. Where was he? Answer, jail. Yes, jail. Apparently he didnt just go to jail but had made a Most Wanted List in Pittsburgh. While the bugh is not as big as the apple, if you make that list you did something bad. Turns out he committed a series of armed robberies. In a way this was no surprise. He had a rough home life with a dad who quit alcohol, became a complete Holy Roller, and was tough to tolerate, and a mom who slept with anything that walked and had several different children, all who looked like a UN add. In eighth grade, he had gotten into some trouble and ran away from home. While the world seemed big and bad, perhaps he had been through more than any of us ever would. They caught him, he went to Juvie, and sort of fell off my radar. Still, this is very sad. I remember him being more class clown and less asshole than most people. Plus a lot of folks in his group would lay into me from time to time, but he never did. Actually on two occasions, he told them to back off. Once, I was upset because I was late for class and thought I would get in trouble and he made up a story so believable we both got off. I stopped running and stopped lying, he is still running and lying.
His poor girlfriend leaves him notes on his facebook page professing her love and undying codependence. I just want to tell her, stop with the pathetic stuff, he will never stop breaking the law. Take it from a woman who dated a fugitive at one point. Take it from a woman who knows how they can't change and can still break your heart. Take it from someone who still misses him from time to time. But then I would encourage her. I would give her a hug.
And this is what I would say:
"Look on the bright side, at least he isn't touching kids."
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as an ebook on Amazon
Portion of proceeds go to Sandy Hook Elementary School
About a year ago, I found out the kid I sat next to in seventh grade reading is on a registered sex offender in my state. The charge, possession of kiddie porn. I remember him being such a sweet kid. He was my activity partner, occasionally we made fun of this goody goody in our reading class together. Later he took a job at the high school but kind of fell off my radar, that is, until then. I remember it was such a gross out that I posted about it on facebook. Everyone wanted to know who was the classmate collecting kiddie porn. My aunt's niece (aunt through marriage) said not only did he collect kiddie porn, but he lived a few blocks from her kid's school with his parents. Eek me the hell out. What happened to this dude? He was nice. He was normal. Apparently a nice, normal, pedophile.
But he wasn't as bad as the other guy believe it or not. This dude was a year or two ahead of my brother and kind of odd. A lot of people just avoided him. I was an outcast so I never really looked down upon him. When I was eighteen, he sold me my winter coat before moving to NYC and said, "Are you going to become an actress? You are so perfect." Well we turn on the evening news and a story breaks about a man who tried to get sex from a one year old child being pimped out by it's mother. They named the suspect and then they showed him. I said, "HOLY SHIT! THAT'S THE MAN THAT SOLD ME MY COAT!" We were all shocked. Then it got worse. They were going to bail him out but during a search the cops discovered a diary where he described the girls in the neighborhood-all under ten- and listed them with plans to molest them. Usually I am not for excluding people-especially knowing kids can be mean-but maybe the majority knew something in this case. Either way, they had to keep him in jail because the parents in the neighborhood formed a lynch mob and had plans to kill him. I think in a case like this they should have just been allowed. Pedophiles can't be helped. Why waste my tax money to cloth them and feed hem in jail?
But that's not the craziest one. I went to wish a former classmate of mine happy birthday and found out that people were saying that they missed him. Where was he? Answer, jail. Yes, jail. Apparently he didnt just go to jail but had made a Most Wanted List in Pittsburgh. While the bugh is not as big as the apple, if you make that list you did something bad. Turns out he committed a series of armed robberies. In a way this was no surprise. He had a rough home life with a dad who quit alcohol, became a complete Holy Roller, and was tough to tolerate, and a mom who slept with anything that walked and had several different children, all who looked like a UN add. In eighth grade, he had gotten into some trouble and ran away from home. While the world seemed big and bad, perhaps he had been through more than any of us ever would. They caught him, he went to Juvie, and sort of fell off my radar. Still, this is very sad. I remember him being more class clown and less asshole than most people. Plus a lot of folks in his group would lay into me from time to time, but he never did. Actually on two occasions, he told them to back off. Once, I was upset because I was late for class and thought I would get in trouble and he made up a story so believable we both got off. I stopped running and stopped lying, he is still running and lying.
His poor girlfriend leaves him notes on his facebook page professing her love and undying codependence. I just want to tell her, stop with the pathetic stuff, he will never stop breaking the law. Take it from a woman who dated a fugitive at one point. Take it from a woman who knows how they can't change and can still break your heart. Take it from someone who still misses him from time to time. But then I would encourage her. I would give her a hug.
And this is what I would say:
"Look on the bright side, at least he isn't touching kids."
Love
April
I Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl
877-Buy-Book
www.buybooksontheweb.com
Available as an ebook on Amazon
Portion of proceeds go to Sandy Hook Elementary School
December 29, 2012
Babies, Kids, The Whole Nine Yards
I recently visited the neighbor girl that used to baby sit me as a kid. She is married and lives with her husband in San Francisco. They brought their lil man Hudson. It was the big visit to Grandma and Grandpa in Pittsburgh. Hudson was the cutest little man. Well behaved, he was a keen observer. We gave him a Winnie the Pooh stuffed bear. Usually at that age, Winnie the Pooh is the big staple. It’s not scary and plus he won’t swallow anything. At eight months, Hudson is a fearless explorer like the river named after the British pathfinder. This Christmas, one of his discoveries was tissue paper. To Hudson, tissue paper is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, it may even be better.
To attract him to the Winnie the Pooh bear, his possible future sleeping companion when he goes through the Boogey Man phase, his father shook the red tissue paper in the bag. Hudson, fascinated and ready for adventure, crawled towards the bag and tugged at the paper until it came out. There was more, and it would be work. So his father simply removed the rest of it and gave his little man the bear.
As old and jaded as I am, I couldn’t imagine being that small. I couldn’t imagine tissue paper being the world of the unknown, the exotic. I couldn’t imagine the world being so big. But I guess when you are crawling it is big and dangerous, and dogs are probably giant scary creatures as big as a T-Rex.
As Hudson went for the bear, crawling on all fours, the first stage of human development and ironically like the stuffed creature who was his gift, he bumped his head. As he crawled he bumped his head again, and again. Hudson didn’t cry. He didn’t even let out an inkling that it hurt. Little eight month old Hudson soldiered on.
As he kept crawling he kept bumping his head over and over again!
It was adorable in a way, because when he didn’t get it he had grit and determination to just keep going. Although little, you can tell he is a tough guy already. I gasped hoping the child wouldn’t get hurt. To Hudson it was no big deal. He was learning to crawl. His parents were good about it but I found myself having a small heart attack everytime he bumped his head. Football players bump their heads, but they wear helmets. If I bumped my head I would worry about brain damage and probably cry. In a way, Hudson is stronger than most adults. But still, that is a lot of head bumping. Wow.
I talked to my mother later. I asked her if the bumping of the heads is normal for children. She said it was actually very normal for children when they learned to crawl, and that is why parents with crawling infants put down carpeting and other padding so the little ones don’t get hurt and that they can explore safely. For as cute as Hudson was, a baby can sure give you a heart attack. They are high risk little creatures.
Skipper was quick to point out that it made sense that a baby would hit it’s head learning to crawl. It’s head was the biggest part of the makeup and the rest of the body had to catch up. I asked my mother if she was prepared ahead of time for this as the oldest of six, her being seventeen years older than her baby brother. “No, you learn everything the first time with kids of your own.” My mom said.
We talked a little bit about a kid’s first year of life. My mom said that it took a while for a baby to sleep through the night. I asked her why babies just didn’t sleep like normal people. Skipper said their head was big, their body was little, and they had to almost triple their body weight within their first year of life. That is a lot of eating to do so that they could make those growth markers, and because their stomachs are so teeny they by-pass food quickly so they need to eat constantly. My mom added that until a child is two, if it doesn’t wake up on time you need to worry about things like crib death. She told us that when we didn’t wake up at exactly the same time she would panic. Babies are cute, but this is another way they give adults mini-heart attacks.
We talked about pregnancy. My mom said she was sick the entire time. I asked my mother why people did it more than once. My mom smiled and said, “Usually it is by accident.”
Then my sister Skipper told me when she was delivering babies in her medical school class with my brother Wendell-that less than two percent of the children she delivered were planned. Skipper informed me that many of the mothers insisted they used birth control. Apparently it does fail two percent of the time.
Oh no!
Weight gain, morning sickness, painful birth, no sleep, and then worrying if they might get injured or die in their crib in their first two years are a lot of stress. It’s not like it gets better. That is just the beginning. Kids cost money. You have to buy them clothes. You have to insure them in case they become ill. You have to buy them more clothes when they grow out of their clothes. You need to potty train them and not get angry when they go everywhere. Oh and when they learn to talk and learn to say no they get on your last nerve. Those are the times you want to send them into the woods and hope for the best. But then you don’t. Part out of love, but partly because Child Services doesn’t look kindly on the Hansel and Gretel parenting approach.
Of course there is school. There is not expecting a genius because you probably won’t get one, but praying they aren’t too horribly retarded. There are spelling words, math facts, reading books, science projects, the dreaded parent teacher conference and PTA. Oh and then there is hoping your kid makes friends and hoping they fit in. There is teaching them not to be bully meat and then hoping that they don’t master the lessons too well so that they become the bully.
Junior high is a nightmare. There is the whole clique thing, the whole dating thing, the whole hormone thing. And that goes with a bad attitude. That is knowing your kid will disobey you and disappoint you because they want to be adult. But they aren’t adults, and yet the big, bad world is beginning to beckon. It’s harder to get them to study and focus when some new hit show in on TV. It is acne and the crying if it’s a girl or the fist fighting stage if it’s a boy. And again, it’s not releasing them into the wild during this phase as well.
Then there is high school. They aren’t as bratty. But now there are new worries. They want to date and be unsupervised. You now run the risk of getting an early grandchild. There is learning to drive and hoping they don’t crash and hoping their friends are safe drivers. And then there is the whole after school activities and finding what is right for them. There are college visits, college apps, refinancing the home so you can pay for college because FAFSA is a freaking joke if you don’t live in a box.
After that they go to college and you hope that they don’t flunk out or meet their premature end during a night or partying. There is hoping that again they don’t get pregnant, don’t get mono, don’t get sick with something with you so far away. But now you are releasing them into the wild and hoping for the best because they are over eighteen. The wild of being away and new ideas. You hope they remember their roots, remember your values, and remember to wear fresh underwear every day. You also hope you can pay for the next semester. And you wish they were little again, but then you remember that was no free lunch either.
The next step is the journey to adulthood, where you worry about them being gainfully employed and finding a partner who treats them well and doesn’t use them as financial support or as a punching bag. You worry about them being on their own and hoping they are good people, at least you tried, right? You hope that they don’t break the law because now they can really punish them. You hope someone doesn’t hurt them. You hope they are making good decisions. Hope is the key word here, because now you can’t change their minds.
And then when they raise their kids, they don’t want to listen to anything you say. What do you know? You only had a few of your own. But now you can be grandma and give them candy when Mom and Dad aren’t looking.
I don’t understand why teenagers just have sex and think it’s going to be easy once they have a baby. It sounds like hard work and quite frankly, horrific if you aren’t ready. I asked my mother why anyone wanted kids as I laid out all the things you have to go through and how sometimes they are a headache. She said, “Kids make you laugh and are funny. And Hudson is soooo cute.”
Yes, Hudson is cute. Cute and a lot of work.
Kids are cute, and a lot of work.
I’m cute and I’m a lot of work. Ask my mom.
I think I can wait until I am about one hundred to have children. In this day and age it seems nothing is stress free and safe, not even an elementary school. LoveAprilI Came, I Saw, I Sang: Memoirs of a Singing Telegram Delivery Girl877-Buy-BooksAmazon.com (both hardback and ebook)Portion of proceeds go to the children's library at Sandy Hook Elementary School
