Katie Hamstead's Blog, page 3

My Dismal Attempt at Poetry for College

Loneliness, languishing, lost, and love.On this path I never chose,In a life I never expected.Oh, the ache,The anguish.Never have I felt such depth of pain,Sorrow,Betrayal.I ache for choices long lost to me,and wonder;Why did I not take the other path?Words cannot tell the hollowness inside.But if only they could.My heart has been chiseled from my chest,Leaving me lonely,The only relief floods like rain as tears.I did all I could—That I cannot deny—Yet, this sorrow and grief makes me suffer alone.My fight was in vain,My strength not enough.And I wonder;Why did I not take another path?The choice was there,The options free,Maybe the other would have been best for me?I gave my heart,My body,My life and soul,Yet, it wasn’t enough.It was never enough.Why was it not enough?Now I look back and regret swells,Making the pain grow, and rip, and tear.Now I look back to see,The options that were once there for me,Are gone.Lost.Hopelessly, I move along,My mind a blur,My heart-song gone.A faded life.A broken soul.How can I go on?Lord, only you know.

Essay #3: Persuasive Essay - God’s Merciful Interventions… Or Lack Thereof?

During a movie set during the Pacific portion of World War II, a hardened soldier asks another, “If God made all of us, why did he make the Japs?” The second responds humbly that we are all created by God, but we all have free will. The first said he wanted nothing to do with a God who could create such hateful people, while the second smiled and walked away with his bible clutched to his chest.This exchange shows two different viewpoints; one, believing God sits on his throne watching us and not caring one bit, while the other showing belief that God has a plan and through faith, we can be given His blessings.The question is: Is God involved in our lives even today? To what extent does He interfere, punish, or bless?The topic of war is an example of being subject to suffering in many forms, not just the act of warfare. Looking at God in the Old Testament, many see things like the plagues of Egypt (Bible KJV Ex 7-12) as evidence that God, when He does intervene, acts harshly. However, careful study of the plagues sees the Lord giving Pharaoh chance, after chance, after chance to hear Moses. God had compassion even on Pharaoh, just like He does with the people we perceive as “wicked” today by allowing them to use their agency before He intervenes. Why, then, does God allow people who follow Him to suffer? Is He just letting us flail around in the dark, letting life events unfold with no intervention? If that were the case, then following the teachings of God would be fruitless. However, Dallin H. Oaks said, “Our loving Heavenly Father wants His children to have the joy that is the purpose of our creation.” This statement demonstrates that God isinvolved. Why, then, do we suffer? Kenneth H. Beesley explained; “We must pass through the refining experience of sorrow… if we are to enjoy… the blessings of the celestial kingdom.”Refining experiences are found throughout history. The early saints, the people of the Book of Mormon, and the biblical tale of Lot, (KJV Bible) are riddled with examples of suffering bringing about a greater purpose. 1 Nephi 20:10 says: “For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.” In Ether 12:27 we also read; “And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.” Thus, we see that God allows us to struggle and to use our agency, so we learn to turn to Him and He, in return, can make us stronger.God wants us to be happy. He has a perspective we cannot fathom. He knows us in ways we do not even realize. He loves us so much that He allows us to use our agency for better or for worse. He loves us enough to let us learn through hard times, while He stands by, ready and waiting for us to turn to Him for help. Whether or not He intervenes is up to us.
Works CitedThe Holy Bible, King James Version, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1979.The Book of Mormon. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1981.Beesley, Kenneth H. “What is the Purpose of Suffering?” New Era. April 1975, https://www.lds.org/new-era/1975/04/w..., Dallin H. “Truth and the Plan.” General Conference. October 2018, https://www.lds.org/general-conferenc...

Essay #2: This I Believe

MotherhoodAt church one Sunday, we had a lesson about nobility in motherhood and I almost burst into tears. At the time, I was exhausted from another week of failing to keep my house tidy, sleep deprivation, and fighting with growth-spurt induced tantrums. When I see other kids sitting quietly while my two wild girls climb the furniture, let out high pitched squeals, and eat— constantly eat—I think, why did I sign up for this gig?No matter how hard it is raising kids, I wouldn't trade them for the world. In my heart, I believe that being a mother is the noblest of callings. Being given the responsibility to care for, mold, and love someone so they can become a functioning and intelligent member of society is crucial. Although I have a love-hate relationship with my role, in the long run, my struggles and tears will be worth it.Carrying and bearing children is a wondrous part of motherhood, a great gift from God, but there is so much more to this role. Being a mother means being a leader. To guide people down the paths of life means being intelligent, compassionate, kind, refined, faithful, virtuous, and most of all, loving. People usually respond positively to these qualities. These qualities can instigate greater good than harsh words, casting a vote, or being the driving force behind a protest rally. While working in elementary schools, I’ve seen children of all varieties. There was one girl whom everyone had grown frustrated because of her poor behavior. I discovered all she needed was someone to listen and see her as someone deserving of love. Soon, I became the one she would run to for anything from when she had a rough night with her divorced parents to when her peers upset her. She needed to know someone cared. With her, and other children, I’ve seen behavior turn right around when shown tenderness, kindness, and understanding.While struggling with fertility, I’ve often wondered why, with my desire to be a mother and my love for children, having a brood of my own will never be an option. The grief of months turning into years of inability to conceive becomes crippling. My fertility problems help me appreciate my wild girls, but with women around me having children like rabbits, why would I agree to this heartache as part of my life plan? The Lord responded to my plea; Because you agreed to mother those who are motherless. That is your role in gathering Israel.He has given me a gift to love, and I agreed to use that love to save His precious children from lives of anguish and loneliness. Therefore, we are preparing to take in children as foster to adopt. It won’t be easy, but I know it is my role as a daughter of God, chosen to be a mother in Zion.Being a mother is a divine and noble role. Although some are blessed to magnify this role through a traditional manner, others are given a different route. They can fulfill their divine purpose just the same. Although I will struggle, when these children are grown I will see the blessings of my efforts. God has entrusted me with His precious children, and that's the greatest honor of all.

College Essay #1 - Love Letter

Since I started college this year, my time to write has taken a heavy hit and has diminished significantly. However, this semester I am doing an English writing class, so I thought I'd share them here with you so you can see what little writing I have done lately.

Enjoy!


The Gift of SightDear Reading Glasses,You may be small and simple, but you make the most important things to me possible. I chose you because you’re pretty, yes, with the brown outside and a leaf and gem detail on the side in teal, but they are cosmetic details. What you do matters to me. Your lenses have scratches, yes. I wish I could take care of you better, but you are used so often. When at home, I use you to read to my girls. I use you to read novels, articles, scriptures, the Ensign. With you, I can do the activities I love the most despite my farsightedness.You make it possible to work with students at my job. I can read their textbooks, their worksheets, and help them with their math problems. In fact, kids notice when you’re gone and ask why I’m not wearing you.At night, you help me drive safely. With my slight night blindness in my left eye, you adjust my weakness and make lights go from blurs to clearly defined objects. This simple thing ensures I can do what I need to do and keep myself and my children safe.Mostly, you make it possible to spend time on my computer where my passions lie. With you, I can do my studies for school, pursue my dreams, and follow the path I have been inspired to take. You have made it possible these past few years to spend hours writing, revising, and pouring over manuscripts from first drafts to publication.  Without you, things get blurry and I develop headaches. Without you, I struggle to do the things that mean the most to me. You are a simple thing I often take for granted or forget where I’ve left you, but I search frantically for you for a reason. You are my lifeline. You literally give me the ability to read and write and use my talents. I love you, my reading glasses.Sincerely,Katie

Review: The Sacrifice by Diane Matcheck

From Goodreads:

An Apsaalooka (Crow) Indian girl has lived her life as a despised loner, overshadowed by her dead twin brother, who, it was prophesied at their birth, would become a "Great One" among his people. One night, she sets off on a forbidden journey to prove to her village, and her brother's spirit, that "she" is the one destined to become the true Great One. Her trek over the plains and into the mysterious region of modern-day Yellowstone National Park is a disaster, culminating in her eventual capture by a tribe of Pawnee. Strangely, these foreigners treat her with an unfamiliar respect, and the girl starts to let down her guard. But when it is suddenly revealed that she has been kept alive in order to be killed in a ritual harvest-season sacrifice, the girl is thrown back into her desperate battle for survival.


My Thoughts:
I am so glad I found this book again after all these years. I found it during my high school days in the school library and was deeply affected by it. Over the years I remembered the story, but not the title/author. So, after years of searching, I was ecstatic about sinking my teeth into it once more.
The Sacrifice follows an Apsaalooka (Crow) girl who has grown up on the fringes of her community, treated poorly because she was considered "bad in the head." When her father dies, and she is denied the opportunity to seek vengeance for his death, she sets out to follow the warriors, but loses track of them and her way. Her will to prove herself drives her to push forward rather than go back and face humiliation. She finds her way to modern day Yellowstone National Park, survives a bear attack, and is abducted by a band of Pawnee men. In the Pawnee camp, she is surprised to find happiness through Wolfstar, the boy who slowly softens her stone heart.
This story was as beautiful, heart wrenching, and as moving as I remembered. This coming of age tale about a "Crow" girl mesmerized me from start to the final page. Without spoilers, that ending still gets me and leaves me with a massive book hangover. In fact, it left me craving more.
I absolutely loved it.

Review: Ogre Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine

From Goodreads:
In this prequel to Ella Enchanted, which can stand on its own, young healer Evie is transformed into an ogre by the meddling fairy Lucinda. She’ll turn back only if someone proposes and she accepts!

Returning to the land and many of the characters from her beloved Newbery Honor–winning Ella Enchanted, Gail Carson Levine has written a delightful tale about a clever and endearing heroine who is determined to defy expectations.

Evie is happiest when she is healing people, diagnosing symptoms, and prescribing medications, with the help of her devoted friend (and test subject) Wormy. So when Wormy unexpectedly proposes to her, she kindly turns him down; she has far too much to do to be marrying anyone. And besides, she simply isn’t in love with him.

But a certain meddling fairy named Lucinda has been listening in, and she doesn’t approve of Evie’s rejection. Suddenly, Evie finds herself transformed from a girl into a hideous, hungry ogre. Evie now has only sixty-two days to accept another proposal—or else be stuck as an ogre forever.


My Thoughts:
I was so excited to win this advanced reader! It will take pride of place next to my first edition Ella Enchanted on my bookshelf.
Because it is an advanced reader, I wanted to get on it asap, so bumped it to the top of my TBR pile. Plus, Ella is so beloved and a book that has inspired me since I was twelve, I couldn't let it wait.
All up, it was a fun and light read. I prefer books that way. It has the same tone and feel as Ella, which is great since it's set in the same world.
It was fun to see some familiar faces, like Ella's parents, King Jerrold pre-crowning, and a smooth introduction into Ella's story as well.
Our heroine of Ogre Enchanted is Evie, a healer and recipient of one of Lucinda's infamous "gifts". At fifteen, it's no surprise she turns down a marriage proposal, but instead of giving Evie and Wormy the chance to work things out, Lucinda sticks her nose into things and turns Evie into an Ogre. Evie has sixty-two days to get another marriage proposal or she stays an ogre forever.
In typical Levine fashion, this young heroine sets off to discover her own path and a way to set herself free, leading the reader on a magical adventure around the familiar kingdom of Kyrria from Ella's story.
My only disappointments were the writing. It wasn't as crisp and deep as EE was. There are parts that just feel rushed, and other parts that feel like YA style cliches. I didn't feel like the character and world building was up to par for other Levine books I've read, which disappointed me. I wanted more to sink my teeth into, but it wasn't there.
Again, I did enjoy this book. It kept me turning pages and it brought me a smile. And, it made me pick up Ella Enchanted again!

My Eating Discorder

Recently, I've come to notice a pattern with my eating. It's not a pretty picture either. When I was in high school, I teetered on the edge of anorexia. I avoided eating in front of people, skipped meals, and if I felt too hungry, I drowned it with water. I wasn't thin, so no one noticed. Yes, I had issues with anemia, and these bizarre stress mini seizures, but no one knew how little I was eating so they chalked it up to how much I did with my life with all my sports, and choirs, and school, and crappy social circles. But my relationship with my body has always been very negative.
When I was in my early twenties, I started to become comfortable-ish with my body. I was never as slender as most girls my age, but I was comfortable in my skin and mostly liked the way I looked. I think it was for all of about three years this lasted. Three years out of the past eighteen of my adolescent and adult life.
My first big weight change came when I had my first child. I have PCOS, so despite nursing and exercise, the pregnancy weight refused to budge. Add onto that a difficult baby and postpartum depression and it was a recipe for disaster.
It took me a few years, but I finally started to pull out of my slump and try to find ways to beat down the PCOS fat cling. I lost 20lbs, and fell pregnant again.
After baby two, as I expected, I felt the PPD coming on again, and also, again, the weight didn't go away despite nursing and exercise care of the PCOS. But this time, the depression lingered.
Recently, I've come to the realization that I have depression. Since having PPD, I have learned the signs and it frightens me to see them pop up without the pregnancy and baby hormones running rampant. Especially because depression makes me do things to numb. This is where my eating disorder kicks in. I'm addicted to eating to numb my feelings. My numbing routine consists of binge watching TV/movies and eating. It's like everything else in life is too hard to handle, especially when I'm home. I work all day, come home to work more, I study. I'm always tired now too, and with the heat, all I want to do is sleep.
I have an eating disorder. The problem is, I have no idea how to fix it.

My List of Inhibitions, or, Thoughts That Go Through My Head Daily

1. My writing sucks.
2. My stories suck.
3. I'm not very smart.
4. I will never earn my degree because I'm not smart, especially when it comes to math.
5. I'm fat.
6. I'm ugly.
7. People can't see past 6 & 7.
8. My husband can't see past 6 & 7.
9. My girls will grow up and see how much 6 & 7 destroy my confidence and it will reflect in them and their lives.
10. Every time I try to lose weight, it works for a while, but then stops and comes back on again, even if I'm still doing what just shed 25 lbs. I'll never find something that actually works.
11. When I look in the mirror, I see no value in the person looking back. I don't even see me anymore.
12. I'm tired all the time.
13. I'm stressed all the time.
14. I don't have the energy or funds to exercise like I need to, which makes me more stressed.
15. No matter what I do to bring us up financially, it's never enough.
16. I work and study until I'm dead exhausted and it's still not enough.
17. People judge me for how messy my house is.
18. I don't have the time or energy to keep my house clean and it makes me stressed.
19. I can't spend these critical years home with my youngest because I have to go out and work or we'll lose everything.
20. I'm tired and stressed from having to carry most of the burdens around our home. Increasingly, I'm growing disillusioned and depressed and consider just disappearing, leaving, doing something because I don't know how much more I can take.
21. I have no friends I can open to, no one I consider close because I don't have the time.
22. Strike that, I could have the time, but I'm so tired, stressed, depressed, and disgusted with myself to try to find friends.
23. I don't feel like I deserve friends.
24. Even if I did have friends, I seem unable to really share what's going on inside. It's easier to smile and say, "I'm fine."
25. I hate how hot it always seems to be here. I don't want to go outside as a result, which means my favorite source of exercise, walking my dogs, is limited to two or, at the most, three months a year.
26. I feel guilty every time I leave my kids to do something.
27. I don't write much anymore, and I lack inspiration.
28. I'm lonely. All. The. Time.
29. I miss the old me, the one who was so hopeful, who believed she could be loved and likable, and wasn't horrified at the person who looked back at her in the mirror.
30. Most days, I cry because I'll never be able to share any of this with anyone, and I know I'm going to break any day. I'm so done.

Review: Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esqivel

From Goodreads:
Earthy, magical, and utterly charming, this tale of family life in turn-of-the-century Mexico became a best-selling phenomenon with its winning blend of poignant romance and bittersweet wit.

The number one bestseller in Mexico and America for almost two years, and subsequently a bestseller around the world, Like Water For Chocolate is a romantic, poignant tale, touched with moments of magic, graphic earthiness, bittersweet wit - and recipes. 

A sumptuous feast of a novel, it relates the bizarre history of the all-female De La Garza family. Tita, the youngest daughter of the house, has been forbidden to marry, condemned by Mexican tradition to look after her mother until she dies. But Tita falls in love with Pedro, and he is seduced by the magical food she cooks. In desperation, Pedro marries her sister Rosaura so that he can stay close to her, so that Tita and Pedro are forced to circle each other in unconsummated passion. Only a freakish chain of tragedies, bad luck and fate finally reunite them against all the odds.

My Thoughts:
I had mixed feelings about this book. I liked how the recipes were entwined into the story to enrich the plot, and the hint of magic was enchanting. But the whole story made my heart ache. I struggle with books that make my heart ache, especially this kind where family hurt each other over and over due to selfishness.
But I can understand why it is a classic. It is beautifully written and tragic.
I read this on Audible.

Review: Mountain Hero by Cheryl Yeko

From Goodreads:
Broken Engagement:
Finding her fiancé cheating with her best friend was bad enough, but when Michelle heads up the Rocky Mountains for a little R & R, it goes from bad to worse when her car breaks down during a major snowstorm.

Mountain Hero:
Along a deserted stretch of highway, Jason rescues a beautiful woman who’s being accosted by two men. But can he keep her safe when they’re left stranded during a harsh winter storm? 

Love Blossoms:
Sometimes, one finds their Soul Mate in the most unexpected places.

My Thoughts:
This was one of my quick audio books I played while doing house work. As for the story, it was okay. None of the characters really popped for me, and I'm not a fan of that much steam, which is entirely personal preference. It simply wasn't the best book for ME.