Pamela Foster's Blog, page 2
December 3, 2018
Parallel Universe
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A few days ago I stumbled upon a theory that the Hadron Collider has flung the universe into a parallel dimension. Which would explain so much.
Those little blackouts in my memory.
Driving, I cannot remember where I’m going. Jotting down a list of three necessities I forget the last two by the time I’ve written the first on the notepad. Asking a friend to meet me at the Banana Hut for a burger, and then waiting at the Surfside Burger Stand until the friend figures it out and joins me. Waking...
October 24, 2018
Death by a Thousand Cuts
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With Jack safe and well-cared for in the San Francisco VA community living center (skilled nursing), I should be relaxing into a less chaotic and demanding life.
But, somehow, despite my attempts to cultivate an attitude of gratitude, my center swirls, shifts with each day’s small challenges. Losing a partner of over twenty-five years is tough. And when that spouse is still alive and swings wildly between loving you and hating you, often within the same da...
July 18, 2018
Moving On
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It’s difficult for me to write about Jack these days. As his wife of almost thirty years and as an author who’s written three books about this scarred and glorious warrior, that’s an odd statement, an unsettling realization, a bit of a shock. Nonetheless, to write without hitting as close to the truth as I am able, is a waste of time – both mine and the readers – so today, with this post, I expose to you a difficult personal truth.
I have moved on from Jack emotionally, begun the journey of...
May 9, 2018
The dying of the light
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I began grieving for Jack almost ten years ago, when the first tell-tell signs of his disease first showed themselves. We lived then on the edge of the jungle, a twenty minute walk to the beach and a five minute stroll to the river where, in the dry season, I waded into waters which did in fact occasionally house crocodiles. This was in the country of Panama. If you’ve read Clueless Gringos in Paradise, you know how we got there.
Relocation therapy is what the counselors call it.
Jack alway...
April 24, 2018
Garden of Zen
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Sanity is a relative term.
As a caregiver, getting out of the house is difficult and often impossible, so one of the things I do to preserve what’s left of my mental stability is to correspond with friends. People, by the way, often say they wish they could do more to support Jack and I as we deal with this Parkinsonian nightmare. Their texts and emails are actually the best thing they can do.
Their short notes are windows which allow fresh air to blow away the stagnation that is care giving...
March 24, 2018
Delusions
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The thing about delusions is that, to the person experiencing them, they are reality. We have a couple of real delusional gems going on at our house right now.
Extreme jealousy and paranoia and anger are all insidious in Jack’s disease – this godawful Progressive Supernuclear Palsy. In his world, I have a whole other life, one which, it must be admitted, is far more exciting and satisfying than my day-to-day care of him. No amount of reasoning, offering of proof, or even staying within his s...
November 4, 2017
The Zeolot
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Jack has always lived in a somewhat paranoid universe. He’s always thought himself the center of the universe. He’s always been jealous of any attention I pay to, or that is paid to me by, other men. Or women. Or children. Or dogs.
He’s okay with cats.
As his illness progresses, it should not have come as a shock to me that these attitudes have intensified. And, yet, I am having difficulty dealing with his inability to take into account the feelings or needs of anyone besides himself, couple...
October 27, 2017
Yikes
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Well, a lot has happened since I last posted on this blog. Jack returned from San Francisco, his shingles dried up, he began a four day a week LOUD speech therapy for people with Parkinsons, his new custom wheelchair was delivered along with a nifty contraption for the shower which actually allows him to shower in a seated position, and his bed caught fire.
Ah, hah! You did not expect that last one, did you?
Yeah. Neither did we.
At 3:30 in the morning, there was a loud POP, a bright flash o...
October 14, 2017
X-ray Vision
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My respite is nearly over. Tuesday the VA is set to transport Jack three hundred miles from San Francisco back up the coast to me here in Eureka. With his outbreak of shingles the very day he arrived at the facility, he has been in isolation for coming up on two weeks. He is more than ready to come home.
“Short enough to dangle my legs off a dime”, “two days and a wake up” is how he greeted me this morning when he called.
I, on the other hand, am not ready for him to return.
My back remains...
October 6, 2017
San Francisco Weary
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Jack’s at the San Francisco VA for two weeks. My son and I drove him down on Monday and Tuesday. It’s about a six hour trip, too far for him to ride in the car and then go directly to get checked in at the Long Term Care facility and then race across the maze of VA buildings to get to his neurology appointment. So we make a two day adventure out of the trip. Stay the first night in Petaluma, about an hour from the Golden Gate, and drive in the following morning once rush hour traffic clears....
