Susan Call's Blog, page 11

5 Reasons New Year’s Goals Fail and 5 Things You Can Do About It.

It’s hard to believe that we’re already at New Year’s! And although for most, the weather is bitterly cold and the days are short, each New Year seems to bring the promise of a fresh start. Have you already thought about it? Will you be making a resolution or goal? Or, have you embraced the alternative “one word” focus for the New Year? (I’ll be blogging about my journey with “one word” in the near future. Or, do you wonder what the point of a resolution is when they seem to fail before February?

What will you do with this fresh start – your new chance of achieving something that has been elusive until now?  Maybe you’d like to lose weight, improve your fitness, write a book, foster deeper faith, become organized, de-clutter, start or finish that degree you’ve always wanted… or maybe it’s something totally different.

Regardless of what change might be stirring you as you look to the year ahead, you can improve your chance of success if you understand why so many resolutions fail. Some bleak statistics say that only 5% of resolutions will make it until next New Year’s Eve. While other surveys say that nearly 25% won’t last one week.

Why do so many resolutions fail?  Here are a few common reasons:
The goal focuses on results rather than actions.

We might resolve to lose 20 pounds or to write a book. But rather than having those as our goal, we might be more effective by making our goal to exercise a set number of times per week, reach a daily step goal, or limit our trips through the drive through. Likewise rather than focusing on writing a book, we can instead set a weekly word count goal. Adapt our goal to be achievable, measurable, and based on specific actions. The results will follow our actions.  

The goal isn’t written down.

Simply thinking about a goal isn’t enough – write it down. People who write down their goals are 42% more likely to achieve their goal than those who do not write them down! Put your written goals somewhere that you will see them often – on your mirror, on your refrigerator, on your computer or phone’s background.  Write them on a note card and place it next to your alarm clock so that you see it each morning.

“People with clear, written goals, accomplish far more in a shorter period of time than people without them could ever imagine.”  Brian Tracy

You go about the goal the exact same way you have in the past.

If you’ve had the same resolution for the past five years and have been unsuccessful, change your approach. Do something differently. Establish milestones or mini-goals for your larger change and celebrate your successes along the way. Make a mini January goal that will get you started in the direction of your bigger goal.

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”  Albert Einstein

The “why” for your goal isn’t remembered.

Too often the passion we have for our direction on January 1st vanishes when we encounter challenges causing us to give up. When you consider the “why” behind the goal you are more likely to find the strength to push past obstacles while maintaining your focus on difficult days. Write down your why. When you need a boost, re-read it to reassure yourself and encourage you.  Consider writing yourself a letter to read and re-read when you feel discouraged. In the letter talk to yourself candidly about why this change is so important. Your why might be a desire to be able to be active with your children, or to be around for your grandchildren. Or, your why might be fulfilling your purpose, positively impacting the world, or leaving a legacy.

Your goal is kept a secret.

Resolutions that are kept a secret are more likely to fail. Find a friend or family member to help you be accountable. Share your resolution. Make sure it is someone who will encourage you when your motivation wanes. Be honest with this individual about your progress as well as when you are struggling to keep your resolution. Welcome their feedback and encouragement throughout the year. If you stumble, reset, get back on track and keep going.

Are you making a resolution? If so, what is it? Or, do you have another way to set goals for th new year such as a one-word focus? I’ll be writing about my goals and one word in my next post. What are you doing… why not join the conversation, I’d love to hear from you!

Looking for encouragement in the New Year? Why not join me on Facebook or Instagram?

Wishing you a Happy and Healthy New Year!

A few other post that may provide just the encouragement you need in the New Year:

You’re Going to do What?!? When Friends Doubt Your Goals.
The 3 Powerful Sentences You Need to Break Old Tapes
My Secret to Becoming Fiercely Focused, Confident, and Victorious
What to do when you’re off track: Real wisdom from a reality tow truck TV show

The post 5 Reasons New Year’s Goals Fail and 5 Things You Can Do About It. appeared first on Susan Call.

When One Goes Out They All Go Out: What Christmas Tree Lights Taught Me About Influence

If you’ve ever decorated a Christmas tree, you’ve probably shared the frustration I experienced this week. After placing our tree in the stand and putting it in just the right place near our fireplace, I plugged in the lights. With the first initial flick of the switch, 2/3 of the tree lit up beautifully. The other third, a strip near the top and another near the bottom defiantly remained dark.

I knew finding the offending bulbs would be daunting. Despite having a little gadget that’s supposed to make it easier, I knew I shouldn’t underestimate the effort. Next to grouchy shoppers, defiant Christmas tree lights has to be one of the most frustrating parts of this time of year.

Branch by branch, bulb by bulb, I worked my way around our Christmas tree. After some time, I found the first bad bulb. Replacing it with a spare, the entire lower section of our tree lit up victoriously. I wish at the time of writing this that I could tell you I repeated the process and found the last offending bulb, but that hasn’t happened yet.

As I thought about our tree and my frustration, I was struck by the impact just one little bulb could have on the strand, or on the entire tree. It gives us a good visual reminder for our own lives.

One bulb can cause an entire strand to remain dark. Likewise, what we bring to the world around us leaves it a brighter place, or not. Do we bring hope, encouragement, and compassion to those we encounter? How do we impact our area of influence each day? When our alarm clock goes off in the morning and we’re plugged into a new day, will we do what it takes to have a positive impact on those around us, or will we share something else with those we encounter? How we impact the people in our lives is up to us each and every day. When we don’t do our part to encourage, be kind, and show compassion, we may unknowingly cause others to remain in the dark.
The impact of the bulb is what’s on the inside. Bad bulbs look ok from the outside. The Bible tells us that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Mathew 7:16 says we will “know them by their fruits.” Are the people we’re connecting with, or looking to for leadership demonstrating these with their actions? Are we demonstrating them with ours? What do we need to change in our actions so that we are positively impacting those around us? We can reflect to see what we’re sharing and ask if it aligns with these character qualities. We may need to make a few adjustments.

It’s easy to forget how much we influence the world around us for the good or otherwise. This season as you see lights on trees and homes, may they serve as a reminder of the impact you have right where you are. I recently found a poem online that I want to leave you with. It’s called The Power of One.

One smile can start a friendship,

One laugh can conquer gloom,

One word can share hope,

One hand can lift a soul,

One life can make a difference,

My friend it’s up to you.

Have a great week! As always, I’d love to hear from you. Are you challenged by your lights or encouraged (or challenged) by the reminder of our impact on those around us? Comment and join the conversation.

The post When One Goes Out They All Go Out: What Christmas Tree Lights Taught Me About Influence appeared first on Susan Call.

Finding the Unexpected in a Pile of Puzzle Pieces

I had a surge of optimism as we dumped the box of colorful pieces on our kitchen table. Despite it having been years since the last time I did a puzzle, I eagerly embraced the challenge. I welcomed the family time together, free from the tempting distractions of cell phones or gadgets.

Immediately we set out to find all of the edge-pieces. We started out strong, but several hours later, our enthusiasm waned. By bed time, I found something rather unexpected amidst the puzzle pieces. The puzzle had taken me on a journey from the optimistic enthusiasm, to the “this isn’t possible”, to eventual victory. Suddenly the stages began to feel rather familiar to life itself. When we set out to make a change, embrace a new habit, pursue a new goal or even a new year’s resolution, we go through the same stages as when we complete a puzzle! Recognizing the stages, knowing the path, can encourage us to persevere when we pursue change. See if you recognize the stages too…

The 7 Stages of Completing a Puzzle (aka The 7 Stages of Goals, New Habits and New Year’s Resolutions):

Stage One: Enthusiasm. This will be fun, I thought as we began sifting through the puzzle pieces. Excited about the ‘journey’ I was determined that we were going to be successful and have fun along the way. It’s the same emotion we experience when we identify a change we need or want to make or a new year’s resolution we plan to make. ‘This time I’m going to do this’ we declare. We buy the workout DVD or the gym membership, or the how-to book that will make our dreams come true. Optimistically we look ahead ready to be victorious this time.

Stage Two: This is harder than it looks. A few hours into our puzzle efforts, my kids laughed with me. I must have said “this is harder than I thought it would be” three or four times in a row. It was the only thought I could put together as the reality of the challenge sank in. It’s the same feeling we get a few weeks into a new diet, when we’re trying to learn a new skill, or trying to establish a new habit. Our initial progress slows. We suddenly find forward traction isn’t as easy as we thought it would be.

Stage Three: I think there are some pieces missing I was certain someone at the puzzle factory must have been sleeping on the job. Clearly we had to be missing several pieces in our box. Until the puzzle was fully put together, more than once I was convinced we were missing pieces. There were gaps that didn’t seem possible to fill. There were pieces that just didn’t seem to fit with the others. When we’re trying to make a change in our lives, there will be time when it feels like the pieces aren’t coming together or that we’re missing something we need. If only we had that one piece that gave us the secret to success, we’d be fine. But we don’t see it. When we feel like this, we need to refuse to stop. Continue. Take the next step. Press on.

Stage Four: Discouragement. I can’t do this by myself I thought staring at the disarray on our table. My children had taken a break, but I lingered working by myself for quite some time. Soon I hit the proverbial wall. I felt like I just wasn’t getting anywhere. Thankfully, my son returned to come to my aid. He was able to quickly find a few pieces that had escaped me. The momentum he brought to my effort reminded me that on our journeys we will get discouraged. When we do, we need find support in a friend, family member, or a good counselor who can come along side us and help us see how the pieces fit together.

Stage Five: Identify a strategy. Sometime into our effort, we realized we needed a new strategy or reaffirm an old one. For our puzzle effort we decided to sort the pieces by color. Finding the pieces that connected was much easier when we were dealing with a handful of pieces rather than the entire puzzle all at once. As we tackle changes or setting up new habits, we need to be on the lookout for strategies that can give us the boost we need. Why not check out blogs or YouTube videos on the areas where you have goals to improve? You might just find a strategy that helps you stay the course.

Stage Six: Success! Persistence and perseverance pays off! Victory is sweet. I enjoyed our family time together putting our puzzle together, even despite the stages in the middle of the effort that I think we may have a new tradition. Celebrate success and look ahead. In life, when we accomplish our goals, it’s important to

Stage Seven: Rinse, Wash, and Repeat: The important last stage to the journey is looking back and then looking ahead. What did you learn? What would you do differently? For our puzzle, we learned what size and level of difficulty works. When working towards a goal or resolution, look back. What’s worked and what hasn’t worked in the past? Take the lessons you learned and apply them forward. Then, set a new goal and grow forward.

As you look ahead to the holiday season and the New Year ahead, I hope the wisdom I found in the pieces on my kitchen table can encourage you. Change can seem more challenging than it needs to. Reaching for new goals can feel daunting. My wish for you is that as you start to look ahead and consider the resolutions or habits you hope to pursue next year that you won’t let the middle of the journey derail you. Remember my puzzle and press on. The pieces will come together if you do. Success waits on the other side of perseverance.

I’d love to hear from you. Can you relate to these stages in life, or in putting a puzzle together? How do you encourage yourself to press on? Click and join the conversation. And, if you’ve been encouraged by this post, why not share it with your friends.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also like this one about a game of Connect Four.

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5 Ways to Reduce Holiday Stress and Keep the Happy in Thanksgiving.

Ah the image of a Norman Rockwell family holiday. Everyone gathered around a beautifully adorned Thanksgiving table, extended to its capacity to fit the entire family. The hours of preparations in the kitchen now but a vapor. Your family takes their places. Everyone is ready to dig in. You, on the other hand, collapse into your chair with exhaustion, suddenly wondering if you remembered to turn the oven off.

You’ve spent the last three days baking pies, making side dishes, decorating and now it’s finally here. But what if you forgot something? Or it doesn’t measure up to all you hoped it would be? It’s ok! The holidays are meant to be enjoyed, not to be a burden! Yet with all the stress of getting it all done, we can feel anxious and overwhelmed.

What can you do to lighten your load, enjoy the day, and put the ‘Happy’ back in Thanksgiving?

Review your expectations and keep it in perspective

Are you realistically looking at the holiday or are you building it up in a way that will only leave you disappointed? Keep your expectations in check and put the day in perspective. Thanksgiving is a day to be thankful for all that you have and to share it with family or friends. Enjoy what you have with those you have to enjoy it with. Let anything else be a bonus, not an expectation.

 Set boundaries.

We continue to live in a politically charged society. If you know you don’t see eye to eye with your Uncle Matt on politics, don’t bring up politics across the Thanksgiving table. Taboo topics aren’t limited to politics. Be aware of what “that” topic is for your family. Let your family know that subject is off limits. If someone brings up a taboo topic, be ready to redirect. Remember – You don’t have to go to every argument you are invited to.

 Remember, it’s not about you

“This turkey is a little dry” your Aunt Sarah criticizes bringing the table conversation to a hush. You’ve worked so hard to pull together the dinner and just want to cry. Even if Aunt Sarah is always the one with the critical tongue, it can sting when the words hit you. Don’t take it personally! Your value isn’t based on what she thinks of your cooking! And, in the end, Thanksgiving isn’t about the food. Pass her the gravy or pour her some punch. Even if you burn the entire meal, comments about food should not be translated as personal judgments on you. The turkey may be dry but that certainly does not mean you’re a failure! Refuse to take comments about the meal to heart as criticisms of your worth.

 Have a plan

Depending on how challenging your family may be for you, it may make sense to have a plan to keep yourself emotionally in a good or safe place. Know when you’ve had enough and need to remove yourself from a conversation, retreat to a different room, and recognize when its time to head home. When you need to regroup, go for a walk, or go play with the kids. Be conscious of your “meter” and when it’s time to recharge or step away.

 Remember why you are celebrating!

Be thankful for the big things that have made a difference in your life this year… and be sure to remember the little things too. Share a smile. Let the world slow down and just “be” with those you love. Visit, laugh, enjoy!

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!  And enjoy the start of the Christmas Season!

What part of the Thanksgiving and the start of the holiday season are you most looking forward to? Have you started preparing? What’s your favorite holiday tradition?

I’d love to hear from you!

See you back here next Tuesday for more encouragement.

The post 5 Ways to Reduce Holiday Stress and Keep the Happy in Thanksgiving. appeared first on Susan Call.

The 3 Powerful Sentences You Need to Break Old Tapes

What did you do differently? My doctor asked, glancing at my chart before looking back at me. The change we both noticed was hard to miss. Rewind just year I was in a completely different place. Then, my palms were covered with painful cuts from the psoriasis that had taken up residence there. At the same time plantar fascistic had made simple things like walking painful. Both my hands and feet were afflicted. I was a mess! Every ounce of me wanted to crawl under a rock and wait until I felt better. The catch is, “better” doesn’t pull us off of the couch or come find me under the rocks where we hide. We have to go find it instead.

Five months ago, I decided enough was enough. I needed to begin to make changes or I would continue to let life drift while I had my pity party. My transformation wasn’t a silver bullet. There was no magic pill or as seen on TV save-the-day product to purchase for three easy payments of $19.95. Instead, my change came with breaking those pesky old tapes – you know the ones none of us like to admit influence us. My results came by changing how I complete three powerful sentences.

1. I am…

I am…. How we finish the sentence “I am” drives what we do and how we do it. When we allow past mistakes or hurts to complete the sentence, we give new life to old injuries. Saying “I am a failure” because things haven’t gone right in the past, takes an incident from our past and makes it our compass for the future. Instead, we can acknowledge those same things but say “I am an overcomer” because we’ve survived that thing. When we take time to finish “I am…” with positive truths, we empower ourselves for the future rather than anchor ourselves to the past.  Transformational speaker, Lisa Nichols’ has an exercise she calls “Exposing the Lie” which is a powerful exercise to weed out the negative chatter we too often hold on to. I love the way she encourages us to do an inventory of the lies we tell ourselves so that we can break those old tapes.

This summer I changed how I answered “I am..” It’s impacted several areas of my life. “I am an encourager” has caused me to pursue creating and posting uplifting memes every day.(If you haven’t joined me on Instagram, I invite you to join me there.) It’s caused me to jump out of bed with purpose because I say to myself that I am pursing my purpose. I also chose to say I am choosing healthy living and will make choices to give me the energy and stamina to follow my calling. I am a believer and will trust that God has a plan for me. I need to do my part to be ready to step into where he calls me. I let faith fill in the blank as well. I am a child of God. I am His creation. Changing how I respond to “I am” is the change that I made that has helped me lose close to 40 pounds since mid-summer.

Friend, we can find the most powerful completion to our sentence when we flip open the pages of our Bibles. God says we are never alone, that we can be strong and courageous, that we are saved, redeemed, forgiven. He says He created us for a purpose, and that we are a new creation. We may have had a bumpy past, but He gives us a bright future. Why not take time to write out several responses to “I am…” Refuse to allow a single response be negative. If you first write a negative response, counter it and rewrite it. If you struggle in this area, I encourage you to watch the Lisa Nichols’ clip and do the exercise she explains.

2. Today I will…

Today I will… Once I wrote out nearly a page full of responses to “I am…” I made a declaration of what actions or activities would be priorities today as a result. But our answers to “I will” are not limited to tasks. I will statements can be anything from an attitude we want to foster, habits we want to foster, or todos that we know will need our attention. Written goals are 42% more likely to get done just because they’ve been written down. Why not put some motivation on the page and declare what you will be or what you will accomplish today.

3. Tomorrow I will…

Tomorrow I will… Momentum is built when taking one step after the next. It’s not enough to review who we are and where we are right now, we need to consider where we are going. I don’t know about you, but when my alarm clock goes off in the morning, if I haven’t thought ahead to what will come next, the snooze too often can come next. I’ve found it incredibly empowering for my morning if at bed time I jot down a few things to serve as mile markers for the next day. Not only does it make getting out of be on dark winter mornings a bit easier, but it give me traction in the new day in the direction of my goals. Tomorrow I will statements, like the statements for today are not limited to tasks. The responses to this sentence can be reminders of how we responded to our “I am” answer. An example might be “Tomorrow I will remember that I’m a child of God and that I have purpose.” Or “Tomorrow I will capture negative self-talk and not allow my old tapes to influence my future.

These three sentences can be used to break old tapes you’ve held on to that have spoken negativity into your life. Too often we allow someone’s unkind words, or our own, haunt us and shape who we are. It’s time to break free! My life has been transformed by these three little sentences – I am, Today I will, Tomorrow I will. Will you try? Will you let them encourage, motivate, and transform you too?

I’d love to hear from you. Click to comment and join the conversation. Have a friend that could benefit from using these three sentences to break old tapes? Why not share this post and encourage them too.

The post The 3 Powerful Sentences You Need to Break Old Tapes appeared first on Susan Call.

Small Doesn’t Mean Insignificant

“I wanna help” I begged. I was just three year old pint-sized toe-head blonde at the time. Still, determined, I desperately wanted to help my mom get ready for company.

“Can you put the napkins in on the table,” she asked handing me the small stack as she pointed to the other room.

Snatching the napkins, I zoomed into the other room and back. I wanted to help, really help – more than just putting napkins or silverware on the table. Certainly there had to be a bigger, more significant job for me.

My mom found a few small ways I could help but I just wasn’t satisfied. The things she gave me didn’t seem like enough, so as she lifted a tray of dishes, I scurried under the tray reached up to help.

In an instant, it came crashing down, dishes shattering into shards. I fell amongst the broken pieces, gashing my leg.

My next memory is the clearest, earliest memory I can truly recall on my own – one nurse calling to another to help hold me down I got stitches.

When I look back upon that fateful day, I realize I didn’t have the best perspective on “small.” I thought the little tasks my mom gave me were too small to matter, too small make a difference. Now I realize how easy it is to feel like that in our faith journey. We see giants of the faith take center stage in an arena, or hear about them releasing their 10th best seller, or we see the worship leader or the pastor each Sunday with very visible callings upon their lives. Then when we look at our own lives, it’s easy to feel like we’re relegated to the “small.” We want more. We want bigger. We want clarity to our purpose and our impact.

All those years ago, my mom knew what I could handle as a toddler. Today, God knows not only what we can handle, but He also knows His full plan, His perfect plan, and how our small and big efforts weave together to shape that very plan.

If you’re tempted to get discouraged by the “small assignments” here are a few points to help you keep perspective:

Small does not equal unimportant – I’m not going out on a limb when I say I think each of my mom’s guests that day would have appreciated their silverware. Had they sat down to a table without it, they would have noticed its absence.

Small has a purpose – In the Bible, to a crowd of over 5,000, the young boy’s lunch seemed small when they were hungry. Our “small” resources and efforts are the very raw materials God uses to show up in a mighty way. In the hands of God, small is multiplied. Do and give what God calls you to do and give and allow Him to show up and multiply.

Small once doesn’t mean always small – David wasn’t called to go defeat Goliath (1 Sam 17:17-20). He was called to go check on his brothers and take them supplies. In the midst of a war, what he was asked to do seemed quite small. Yet, through his faithfulness to the small things he was asked to do, he was positioned to defeat the giant. What great things might be waiting for you when you take the small steps that lead to the big victories?

If you struggle with feeling like your path isn’t significant, rest assured, even the smallest task He gives us is important. He multiplies our efforts, our resources, and our impact. And, the next time you sit down to eat and see your silverware and napkin, be reminded that God calls us to be faithful in the little things and He meets us right where we are.

Encouraged by this post? Why not share it with your friends, it might be just the small nudge they need to day to be reminded that what they’re doing is significant. And, if this encouraged you, let me know. Joint the conversation. I’d love to hear from you!

 

My Secret to Becoming Fiercely Focused, Confident, and Victorious

This wasn’t the first time I’d tried. I’d say it’s been an on-again-off-again battle for more years than I can remember. But, this time was different. Can I be completely honest with you? Transparent even? Can you lean a little bit closer? I’m not sure I want to say this too loudly. Or, on second thought, maybe I do. Now that I think about it, I want to shout this from the mountain tops, because it’s worth sharing.

For the past few months, I’ve experienced a major personal victory. After years of fighting a losing a battle with my weight, I’ve finally discovered the secret to success. It’s been so elusive and it’s been maddening. It’s left me feeling defeated, less than, unable, and insufficient more times than I can count. But now that has all changed! Now I’m fiercely focused, confident, and victorious. Don’t you want that too? Before I go any further, I have to tell you that this is not just a post about weight loss. It’s about so much more.

Today I finally realized why I stopped short time after time. And, while I’m being completely honest, I didn’t just stop short, I pretty much started short.  Each time I quit almost as fast as I had started. Sure I’d make changes. I’d say ‘this was the time’ I’d succeed. But, the moment progress wasn’t noticeable, I gave up. Done. End of discussion. It became my dance. I took one step forward and two steps back – more defeated with each failed attempt. My starting point further back with each set back.

Today’s aha came after hearing a snippet of a message on Joshua and the wall of Jericho. God told Joshua that his people needed to march around the city of Jericho for 7 days. They marched for 6 days and NOTHING happened! Nothing! Still, they came back day after day after day. If they had given up because they couldn’t see progress, they would have missed out on what God had for them.

Imagine marching around a city wanting the walls to fall. Each day you look for even the smallest change – but not even a small crack in the wall showed, not so much as a pebble fell from the wall. The wall was STILL there, fully intact night after night. They didn’t wake each day and simply stare at the wall, they marched. They didn’t moan about how impossible the wall seemed. They marched. Despite not seeing progress, despite not seeing God moving, they marched.

How many times do we sell our future short because we don’t follow their example? We allow ourselves to get stuck staring at the wall. We wake up and notice it’s still there, completely unchanged, so we choose to feed our discouragement.

It’ll never change.
It’ll never move.
It’s impossible.

Maybe God’s put on our hearts to write a book. Instead of following through, we feed our internal dialog with how daunting the task is and remind ourselves how difficult it is to publish. We get stuck staring at the wall instead of writing one word after another.

Maybe God’s nudged us to take care of our physical health. We feed our internal chatter with how many times we’ve tried and failed. We remind ourselves of the time we lived on salads and the scale didn’t budge. We sit down and stare at the wall.

We feel God’s nudging us to learn a new skill or pursue additional education. We question our ability, the cost, the time, and every other aspect around the decision. With every ounce of doubt we conjure up, we put another brick in the wall of our doubt and stare at how impossibly high it seems.

What wall are you staring at? What bricks are you adding to it with your doubt or self-chatter?

What if today you decided to take a step and begin your march with anticipation that your wall will crumble?

Every single change is empowered by the choices we make. When we choose to continue to take one step after another, we may find ourselves feeling a bit like the people marching around Jericho. Progress may appear evasive. We may not see so much as the smallest crack in the wall. March on. Take the next step.

Choices add up.
Choices solidify our direction.
Making the right choice, decision after decision, causes walls to crumble.

How do I know it works? Because as of today, I’m down 33 pounds. I cannot remember the last time I weighed what I weigh today. I’ve unleased a more confident me that knows I can face the other walls in my life one choice at a time.

My weight loss success has been anchored in my decisions. I’ve empowered myself at each opportunity for a decision – I can eat something from the candy jar at work, or I can bring a piece of fruit. I can drink more water, or I can choose not to. I’m not on a diet that is limiting me. Instead, I look at each crossroads as an opportunity to continue in the right direction or add a brick to the wall that’s holding me back. The choice is mine. For the first time, I’ve sincerely asked God for His strength in crumbling my wall. I’m not to my goal yet, and I’m ok with that. I will get there one decision at a time.

You know what? He knows about your wall too. Are you staring at it, or ready for it to crumble. Take a step. And another. Do not stop marching in the direction of overcoming it. The victory will be sweet! March on, even when you don’t see the progress, God is moving. Your wall will crumble!

Being transparent doesn’t always come easy. But, I want you to know I’m in this with you, no matter what your wall is. If you’ve been encouraged to take you next step, I invite you to comment to join the conversation. And, why not share it with your friends. Maybe you could help them start on their journey to crumble the walls they face.

How a Pop Quiz Can Change Your Perspective on Self-Talk

“Pull out a blank piece of paper,” the professor said as the class’s lively chatter suddenly fell to a hush.  They were the unenthusiastic recipients of a pop quiz. This particular professor was known for pushing students harder, demanding more, and giving tough tests. The rush of anxiety that swept over the room was palpable.

As you read this, you’re likely not in a classroom faced with a dreaded pop quiz, but doesn’t the thought of one still make you cringe?

What if I told you I was about to give you one right now? Would that change your opinion? What if I told you without even studying, you might get 100% and have fun while doing it?

Here goes…

I’m going to give you a phrase and you tell me what it’s connected to. Ready?

Melts in your mouth not in your hands.
The quicker picker upper.
Bet you can’t eat just one.
Just do it!
Can you hear me now?
There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else there’s…

How’d you do?

If you weren’t sure of any, the answers will be at the bottom. (No skipping ahead to check.)

What’s the point?

The point is unlike a tough college class, you didn’t have to study to remember a single one of those yet you probably still got them all right. You didn’t read a text book or write a research paper. Still you remembered them. Why?

Because words are sticky. We connect words to things, emotions, or situations without even trying. Here’s the catch… the same internal magic that caused you to remember those phrases, even if you haven’t heard them for years, is at work making other connections.

How so? If for example you make a mistake and without missing a beat say or think “I’m so stupid”  or “I’m dumb.” You’ve just made a connection between a situation and a statement about your self-worth. If you try something and it doesn’t quite work out and you say “I’ll never figure this out.” Or, after trying to lose weight the scale won’t budge so you tell yourself “I’ll never be able to lose weight.” You’re making connections that you’ll remember long into the future.

When we associate our mistakes with negative self-talk, we’re short changing ourselves and diminishing our potential. In the future as soon as we encounter a similar situation, we’re quick to remember the phrase we associated with it. Just as fast as we remembered the advertising slogans, we’re beating ourselves up saying we’ll never do better, we’ll always be alone, we’re not worth it, or we’re stupid.

If negative self-talk creeps into your thoughts, replace the phrases with positive, motivating phrases. Instead of saying “I’ll never …” say “My past missteps don’t determine my current of future success.” Catch your negative thoughts. Replace them with encouraging thoughts that help you and don’t tear you down. You words have power! Don’t talk to yourself in a way you’d never let someone else talk to someone you love. Negative self-talk disrespects you, and you deserve better!

The answers for the slogans: Melts in your mouth not in your hands – M&M, The quicker picker upper – Bounty.  Bet you can’t eat just one – Lays Potato Chips. Just do it! – Nike. Can you hear me now – Verizon. There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else there’s Mastercard.

How’d you do?

The next time negative self-talk tries to creep into your thoughts, remember the slogan pop-quiz. Capture the negative thought and replace it.

As always, I welcome your comments. Join the conversation and tell me what you think.

Danger! What You Need to Know Before It’s Too Late!

I only looked away for a second. What could possibly go wrong?

But I didn’t notice the dish towel on the counter, the one that must have caught on my arm when I turned pulling it across the hot stove.

Woosh… a flash of heat, a wall of flames seemingly out of nowhere. From comfortable to crisis in the blink of an eye.

Had you been standing near me you would have screamed Fire! Most definitely, you’d have come to my rescue without even thinking. Your response would have been as instantaneous as the fire itself.

If the fire flared, you would have yelled Get out! You would have called for help. You’d have made sure I was ok. When problems in life flare up so suddenly, they grab our attention. They propel us to immediate action. We wouldn’t think of delaying even for a moment to help a friend get to safety.

Yet I want to share with you a danger that is equally gripping – so dangerous it threatens 1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men. Just like fire, it destroys, it scars, and it kills. But unlike the fictitious fire I shared at the beginning of this blog, it’s a very real danger. Very real. Yet all too often, friends stay silent. Completely silent.

It’s a danger that simmers. It masks itself as caring, generosity, and love but behind closed doors it destroys. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You may not be in an abusive relationship but 75% of all Americans know someone who is or has been. Please take a few moments and read on. The information I share may save the life of someone close to you.

Abuse doesn’t start with a flash. There’s no immediate “flame.” It rarely starts with something as obvious as physical contact such as a slap or punch. So then how does someone find themselves in the grips of abuse? They don’t recognize the traits of an abusive partner. What can you look for?

5 common traits of an abusive partner.

They’re Intense. – They get serious quickly. They may talk about marriage unnaturally early in the relationship. They’re excessively generous, exude charm and charisma. They may shower you or others with elaborate gifts which are over the top or inappropriately expensive. They’re often well liked or popular and command the attention of others. They call or text with great frequency. If you don’t answer or respond immediately, they call repeatedly. Even if they know you’re busy, the barrage continues until you respond. In the beginning it seems like caring, but it’s obsessive in the name of “making sure you are ok.” They want to be your oxygen and want you to be theirs.
They’re jealous. – In the beginning, they justify their jealousy as love. Once in the relationship, they repeatedly accuse you of being unfaithful without cause. They’re irrationally jealous of any time you spend with family, friends, and especially the opposite sex. They monitor your Facebook page, may demand your social media or email passwords. They check your phone activity monitoring who you speak to while questioning what you do or say with other people. And often they blame your behavior for their jealousy. If you didn’t … they wouldn’t be so jealous.
They’re critical. – The same individual who is over the top generous with their words and actions also insults you and tears you down. You’re stupid, useless, a bad parent. No one could ever love you the way they do. If you have children, they assure you that the court would never allow you to raise your children should you separate. They attempt to convince you that you’ve been successful because of them. They’ve made you who you are and you couldn’t survive on your own.
They control. – They influence most aspects of your life – how you spend your time, who you spend it with, what you wear, how you wear your hair etc. In the beginning they position it as “caring about you.”They show up at your work or home when you’re not expecting them. If you’re out with friends, they may show up uninvited. They may say it’s just because they missed you but in reality, they’re monitoring you. They may ask or tell you to unfriend friends on social media, or worse they’ll log into your account and unfriend them for you. They may force you to do things you do not want to do, sexually or otherwise to prove you love them.
They isolate. – Your circle of friends and family dwindles, eventually shrinking to nearly non-existent. They become your constant. They insist you spend as much time together as possible. In the beginning, it may almost seem appealing. You translate the exclusivity of time as “true love.” But instead of a healthy nurturing love, it’s a suffocating, isolating, dependency building behavior. Has your circle of friends declined sharply since beginning the relationship? If so assess why. The isolation typically involved with abuse makes breaking free harder. Harder but not impossible. Getting free is possible if you get help.

Abuse may start with traits like these, initially perhaps subtly and then growing in intensity. A partner does not need to exhibit all of these to be abusive. Even one can be a symptom that something is very wrong. What should you do if you recognize these traits in your partner or in a friend’s relationship?

Take it seriously! Do not ignore that feeling that something isn’t right.
Speak up. If it’s a friend in danger, talk to them with genuine empathy. Just like you wouldn’t have allowed me to stand next to the stove with a flash fire, help your friend to see the real danger.
Share this blog and resources with your friends and family. Those affected by abuse need to know they are not alone!
Be aware that domestic violence escalates.
Help by sharing the National Domestic Violence contact information: www.thehotline.org.
Check out my pinterest domestic violence awareness board. It’s full of resources and information.
Read and share A Search for Purple Cows. Maybe reading of my true story can encourage you or your friend to break free.
Visit my resources page for more resources.
Be a conversation starter. Share with your friends and family that the danger is real!
Share that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

As always I welcome you to join the conversation! How will you spread awareness this month?

10 Tips for When a Friend Hurts – What to Do and Not Do

Have you noticed that lately you don’t have to look far to find a friend struggling? Between natural disasters, illness, relationship difficulties, work stress and a number of other areas of life, there seems to be enough challenges to go around!

In several recent conversations, far away friends shared how despite knowing what they’re going through, friends and family in their inner circle seemed to have all but disappeared. As a result, in addition to feeling overwhelmed, they now feel somewhat alone.

What can you do so that you don’t become a ghost when you’re needed most? Here are 10 suggestions on what you can do, and probably should resist doing to show your support.

Listen without giving advice. Sometimes we just need a shoulder or a safe place to vent. We need a friend to be present and listen without trying to solve our problem.
Send a card or note. A hand written note can be an appreciated touch of encouragement.
Follow up. When your friend shares that they’re going through a hard time, call or touch base again. Even if you send a text or email saying you thought of them today, being “there” helps. Too often friends don’t want to be a bother so they’re silent when you need them the most.
Invite your friend out. Take your friend out for dinner, a cup of coffee, a movie, mini golf, to a paint bar, a sporting event or other activity. Some low stress time away from routine can provide a welcomed escape.
Make it. Bake cookies or brownies, make a homemade card or something else. Make something for your friend to show them they matter and are on your mind.
Educate yourself. Learn more about what they’re facing so that you can be empathetic and supportive. Look for organizational websites that offer insights into what your friend is facing and see if they offer practical suggestions of support.
Don’t just say ‘let me know if you need anything.” Most people who could use encouragement or support won’t call you to tell you when they need something. Instead, make an offer. Ask if you can drop dinner. Ask if she’d like you to bring the kids home from soccer practice. Look for ways you can help and offer. Your friend is more likely to ask for assistance if you’re already present and they know you’re sincere.
Don’t minimize or be a one-upper. When you listen, don’t turn it back to being about you or someone else. It could be worse stories won’t help your friend process their situation. Let it be about them and be there for them.
Don’t only talk about their problem. Before they were facing whatever there facing, your conversations weren’t limited to just one topic. Now that they’re facing a big issue, know that all of your conversations don’t need to be just about that.
Don’t take it personally. If your friend doesn’t respond to your texts or doesn’t return your calls, give them grace. If they’re going through a hard time, their lack of response is less about you or your relationship than it is about where they are.

If a particular friend popped into your mind as you read this list, why not reach out to them today and let them know you’re thinking about them. Or, maybe you only have to look as far as the mirror to find someone struggling. If that’s the case, I encourage you to reach out to a friend today and let them know that you could use their support. None of us need to face our tough seasons alone. Instead, we can get through together.

How have you shown support for a friend or family member? Or, how have your friends supported you that let you know you’re not alone? I’d love to add your ideas to the conversation. And, if this list has encouraged you to find new ways to be there for your friends, please click to comment and let me know.