Kjerstin Gruys's Blog, page 6

Fun Fact Friday: Publishers Weekly STARRED Review for Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall

"This book should be required reading for those women who struggle with body-image issues—and even those who don’t."

Alright, alright. I know this isn't typical for a "Fun Fact" post (for newcomers, my FFF posts usually cover interesting tidbits from sociology, psychology, history, and contemporary feminist scholars). But still, it's a fact, and a fun one at that. My heart is bursting with pride.



My forthcoming book, Mirror, Mirror Off the Wall, has received a coveted "starred review" from Publishers Weekly. When I heard the news last week I hadn't even heard of Publishers Weekly, but my editor explained that it's one of the main sources that book buyers turn to when purchasing their inventory. Woohooo! 



Here's the full review:

In this brave and inspiring work, Gruys challenges long-held cultural cues about female beauty.

After recovering from an eating disorder, the author set out to show—guided by her volunteer work at About Face, a San Francisco nonprofit organization, and her pursuit of a Ph.D. in sociology at U.C.L.A.—that true beauty is anything but skin deep. 

She vowed to not look in a mirror—or any reflective surface—for a year, and to document how this decision affected the way she related to her fiancé and to the world at large, writing a blog about the experience to keep herself accountable.  Gruys’s project is especially admirable given that her wedding occurred during the year in question (and weddings have been known to make even the most humble woman become image-obsessed). 

Gruys admits to her all-too-human insecurities and describes her sometimes-difficult effort to live life without defining herself through beauty. Her story encourages others to do the same. This book should be required reading for those women who struggle with body-image issues—and even those who don’t. 

For a first time author like me, a review like this feels incredibly validating. Will it increase book sales? Who knows. Right now I'm just feeling proud of myself and grateful for those who have supported me along the way.  



Speaking of gratitude, I'd like to send out a special message of thanks to the following authors and scholars who took the time to read and review a pre-publication (i.e., typo-ridden) copy of the manuscript:



Peggy Orenstein, author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter

Caitlin Boyle, author of Healthy Tipping Point

Golda Poretsky, author of Stop Dieting Now

Sally McGraw, author of Already Pretty

Cynthia Bulik, author of The Woman in the Mirror

Natalie Boero, author of Killer Fat

Lynn Peril, author of Pink Think

Autumn Whitefield-Madrano, founder of The Beheld

Lynne Gerber, author of Seeking the Straight & Narrow

Jennifer Berger, executive director for About-Face

Marilyn Wann, author of Fat!So?

Abigail Saguy, author of What's Wrong with Fat?



Okay, that's all I've got for today... Enjoy your weekend!

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Introducing Bodacious Body Image Wednesdays + Ten Steps To Positive Body Image

Can you find it??

I have a file in my office where I keep a collection of activities and quizzes that promote Healthy Body Image. I've tried several of these throughout my own journey to a healthy body image, and I use some in my classrooms and in the media-literacy workshops I give in my volunteer work for About-Face. I've even shared a few on this blog (like HERE).




But few days ago I realized that this file folder filled with great body image activities and quizzes wasn't doing as much good as it ought to. So.... beginning this week I'm introducing:






Bodacious Body Image Wednesdays!


Every Wednesday for the foreseeable future, I'll be posting a new healthy body image activity or quiz for your enjoyment!  I'll also be building a "master list" on my new " BODY IMAGE ACTIVITIES & QUIZZES " page, up there in my navigation bar.



For today's activity - the very first of this new weekly series - let's start with something simple: the "Ten Steps To Positive Body Image" list from the National Eating Disorders Association.  I posted this list way back in August 2012, but want to bring it out again. So... Here it is, looking all artistic:







Anyone know the original source? I haven't been able to find it.



Step 1:

Download this image, file it, pin it, whatever works for you. You can also find a printable black-and-white PDF HERE.



Step 2: 

Read through the list and note any steps that particularly resonate with you.



Step 3: 

Take ONE step. (my favorites are #7, "Wear clothes that are comfortable...," and #9, "Do something nice for yourself...")



Step 4: 

Note how your ONE step made you feel. Consider taking a few more steps, time permitting!



Step 5:

Keep this list handy, either printed out in your home or workplace, or easily accessible on your computer or Pinterest account. Return to it OFTEN, particularly when experiencing what I call the "Body Image Blues." (otherwise known as a "Bad Hair Day" or an "I Feel Fat" feeling or an "I hate my [fill in the blank with a body part]" thought.



Step 6:

Share with others! Spread the word on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, snail-mail, whatever!



And that's it!  



What do you think of my new Wednesday series? Do you have any great body image activities to contribute? I want to hear about them!

Subscribe to Mirror, Mirror... OFF The Wall.

Introducing Healthy Body Image Wednesdays + Ten Steps To Positive Body Image

Can you find it??

I have a file in my office where I keep a collection of activities and quizzes that promote Healthy Body Image. I've tried several of these throughout my own journey to a healthy body image, and I use some in my classrooms and in the media-literacy workshops I give in my volunteer work for About-Face. I've even shared a few on this blog (like HERE).



But few days ago I realized that this file folder filled with great body image activities and quizzes wasn't doing as much good as it ought to. So.... beginning this week I'm introducing:




Healthy Body Image Wednesdays!


Every Wednesday for the foreseeable future, I'll be posting a new healthy body image activity or quiz for your enjoyment!  I'll also be building a "master list" on my new " BODY IMAGE ACTIVITIES & QUIZZES " page, up there in my navigation bar.



For today's activity - the very first of this new weekly series - let's start with something simple: the "Ten Steps To Positive Body Image" list from the National Eating Disorders Association.  I posted this list way back in August 2012, but want to bring it out again. So... Here it is, looking all artistic:





Anyone know the original source? I haven't been able to find it.



Step 1:

Download this image, file it, pin it, whatever works for you. You can also find a printable black-and-white PDF HERE.



Step 2: 

Read through the list and note any steps that particularly resonate with you.



Step 3: 

Take ONE step. (my favorites are #7, "Wear clothes that are comfortable...," and #9, "Do something nice for yourself...")



Step 4: 

Note how your ONE step made you feel. Consider taking a few more steps, time permitting!



Step 5:

Keep this list handy, either printed out in your home or workplace, or easily accessible on your computer or Pinterest account. Return to it OFTEN, particularly when experiencing what I call the "Body Image Blues." (otherwise known as a "Bad Hair Day" or an "I Feel Fat" feeling or an "I hate my [fill in the blank with a body part]" thought.



Step 6:

Share with others! Spread the word on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, snail-mail, whatever!



And that's it!  



What do you think of my new Wednesday series? Do you have any great body image activities to contribute? I want to hear about them!

Subscribe to Mirror, Mirror... OFF The Wall.

The Poetry of Normal Eating, Defined

NEDAwareness 2013. Everybody Knows Somebody.

Last week was National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDAwareness) Week of 2013, the largest education and outreach effort on eating disorders in the United States. As a recovered anorexic (well, technically, a recovered Eating-Disorder-Not-Otherwise-Specified-ic) this week always swells my heart with emotion, and I take it pretty seriously; I could have used this kind of enthusiastic advocacy, information, and support in high school, maybe earlier. 







UCLA's Body Image Task Force is pretty awesome!

For my small part, I headed to Los Angeles to give at talk at UCLA, for "I Love My Body Week," run by the UCLA Body Image Task Force. The students running the Task Force were phenomenal (big shout-out to Nicola S. for !) and I had a great time.  Most of my talk was in a Q&A interview format, but I had about 5 minutes at the beginning to plug NEDAwareness. I'd planned to narrate my experience developing and then recovering from my eating disorder, but at the last minute I had a change of heart. I decided to read a poem.  Admittedly, the poem I recited wasn't originally written as such, but the first time I heard it read aloud the words sunk into my heart with the intensity and emotion that has always defined poetry in my mind. 



The year was 2002 and I was in my first month of "Intensive Outpatient Therapy" at an eating disorder clinic near my college. I had just finished a group session of "calming" yoga (which was far-from-calming since the room was filled with palpably anxious young women, at least 1/3 of whom were quietly crying in Child's Pose while another 1/3 were trying to stealthily burn a shit-ton of calories by adding imperceptible calisthenic moves into our Sun Salutations. I was one of the criers). After the Corpse Pose grande finale (and some of us really did look like corpses) were all shuffled into our next therapy activity for a lesson on "normal eating."  



Normal eating? What the hell is that? I remember thinking. Okay, give me the "normal eating diet" and I'll follow it, I thought. I was good at diets.  But normal eating wasn't a diet. It also wasn't a list of foods, or "points," or food groups, or even levels of satiety that needed to be monitored "intuitively." Instead, it was this:

What is Normal Eating? by Ellyn Satter



Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied.


 It is being able to choose food you like and eat it and truly get enough of it -not just stop eating because you think you should. 

Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. 

Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. 

Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. 

It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. 

Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. 

And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. 

Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. 

Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life.

In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.

I won't dive into the details of why and how this "definition" (poem, I tell you. POEM!) shaped the trajectory of my recovery. Suffice it to say that I'd never been able to successfully eat "intuitively," but finally forgave myself for this after learning that normal eating takes some "time and attention" and that emotional eating isn't always disordered (indeed, mindful eating is all about pleasure and being in tune with your body!). 



Because when it comes to poetry, all you can do is TRY.

So anyway, at my talk last week I did my best to recite this "definition" of normal eating with the spirit of spoken word poetry. If I'd planned ahead, I would have worn a beatnik beret, brought bongos, and insisted on finger-snaps instead of applause. But, even without these poetic accouterments I think I managed to pull it off with the emotional effect I was hoping to cultivate. Regardless, I hope someone else out there finds it helpful. 

Now you tell me: What is YOUR definition of "Normal Eating?" Can it be defined? And what's your opinion of having governmentally defined "dietary guidelines?" 

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Mirror, Mirror OFF the Wall - Cover Design & Pre-Order Info!

I'm incredibly proud to announce that my 1st book 




Mirror, Mirror OFF the Wall: 

How I Learned to Love My Body by Not Looking at It for a Year 




is available for pre-order on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, Indiebound, and iTunes.


Also: here is that book cover you've all been waiting for!







Look for the hardcopy and electronic versions coming out in the first week of May!



P.S. - What do you think of the cover? Too pink? Just right?

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What's Up With All of the Recent "Size 8" Pride? (And What, Exactly, IS "Size 8," Anyway?)

Size 14?  Well, yes, but no.  Read more here.

The other day I was editing an article I'm writing for the academic journal, Social Problems.  (The article draws from my master's paper, about the "Plus Size" clothing industry.)  It was my second round of responding to reviewers' edits, so most of the requested changes were pretty minor.  One, however, gave me pause.



Reviewer #2 wrote: "Inconsistency: Sometimes the author says she is a size 8 and other times a size 10." 



Inconsistent?  Sure.  But it's also true. When I wrote that I "generally wear a standard-sized 8 or 10 in pants," I meant it.  Some days I'm an "8" and other days I'm a "10." But to be completely honest, depending on where I've been shopping for clothes, I might also be a "6," a "12," a "Small," a "Medium," a "Large," or an "XL."  My closet currently contains clothes in all of these sizes, and they all fit.  Sure, my measurements fluctuate a bit depending on my hormones and/or the length of time that's passed since I last ate a super-salty meal (yummmm), but I know my body, and it doesn't change all that much.



It's not me, it's them.  

Who?  Them. 

The clothing companies who can't seem to make up their minds about what size(s) we are.



The crazy inconsistency of clothing size standards in the U.S. fashion industry fascinates me.  It fascinates me so much, in fact, that I've conducted research on the topic.  I'll tell you more about the particulars of my sociological stuff some other time, but suffice it to say that I kind of scoff whenever I hear anyone - particularly celebrities - claiming to be any certain size.  



The stand-out offender, to my memory, was Jennifer Love Hewitt, who responded to trash magazines that had dissed her for gaining weight by saying on her blog, "Like all women out there should, I love my body. [...] A size 2 is not fat!  Nor will it ever be."  It really pissed me off that Jennifer used a completely nebulous concept ("size 2") to tell the world that she wasn't fat, and, therefore, shouldn't be picked on.  For the record, this was pure "fat talk," and while it may have seemingly gotten supposedly-size-2-Hewitt off the hook, it also reinforced the idea that it's okay to be cruel to women who are fat.  Folks called Hewitt a body image advocate for sticking up for herself, but I wish she'd stuck up for the rest of us too.  Nobody - not even very very fat women - deserve to be treated with disrespect.  (Oh, on a side note, mark my words: if vanity sizing continues the way it's been going, size 2 may very well be considered "fat" in a future filled with size quadruple-zeros!)





Anyway, back to the present.  These days, "Size 8" seems to be the new cool-girl size.   Female celebrities owning their down-to-earthiness are all about the Size 8!  (This all kind of reminds me of the whole "Real Beauty" thing from a few years ago, which sounds nice, but also suggests that certain women are somehow more real than others.)  Anyway, this recent SIZE 8 IS GREAT! trend started with my favorite funny-girl, Mindy Kaling.  





Here is what Mindy writes about being a "chubby 8" in here book Is Everybody Hanging Out Without Me?:

Since I am not model-skinny, but also not super-fat and fabulously owning my hugeness, I fall into that nebulous, 'Normal American Woman Size' that legions of fashion stylists detest.  For the record, I'm a size 8 (this week anyway).  Many stylists hate that size because, I think, to them, I lack the self-discipline to be an aesthetic, or the sassy confidence to be a total fatty hedonist.  They're like 'Pick a lane.'"

I like that Mindy suggests that her body changes by the week, but what about her clothing size?  A size 8? From where, exactly?  I'm not suggesting that Mindy is actually bigger than a size 8, or smaller, or whatever.  In my opinion a woman's actual size and clothing size shouldn't matter at all.  But  they do, so why claim something that we all know to be... well... "nebulous."  Are we all agreeing to ignore this so we can tell ourselves that WE are, in fact, size whatever-we-want-to-be?  (FYI, I find it really interesting that she thinks stylists prefer either super thin or super fat. In my experiences working in the fashion industry, "super fat" was what they called... me.  So maybe times have changed?)



Next there was Miranda Lambert.





Lambert told everyone who reads SELF magazine, "I feel my best when I'm a toned, not flabby, size 8."  Again, size 8 is the chosen size.  But, don't worry, she's not flabby.  Indeed, Miranda's as-long-as-I'm-not-flabby body confidence appears on the magazine cover next to a headline promising to "Peel Off the Pounds!" Sigh.



Finally, formerly-skinny-sized-now-formerly-plus-sized-model Crystal Renn added her two-cents.





Renn fended off critics of her recent weight loss by saying,

I've been a double-zero, children's clothes, at 95 pounds, and I've been all the way up to a size 16 and everything in between.  [....] Now I'm a 6, 8, sometimes a 10, depending on what designer I'm wearing.  And that's an interesting place to be in fashion, where extremes are the norm.

Renn's quote is actually my favorite of the three.  Why?  Because it (finally!) recognizes that clothing size labels are all over the place.  I have no idea what's going on with Renn's weight-loss-gain-loss (and it's really none of my business), but I do believe what she's decided to tell the world about her clothing size: it totally depends on what designer she's wearing.  



Since clothing size varies tremendously across brands, celebrities (and real people!) can claim to be any variety of sizes without lying.  For example, I could describe myself as an "XS" since I have one t-shirt in my closet that fits.  Or, I could describe myself as "XL" thanks to another t-shirt that fits.  (It's magic, I tell ya!)  Anyway, my point is this: why are celebs suddenly claiming "Size 8" instead of something smaller (or larger, for that matter)? 



If Mindy and Crystal are to be trusted, this "in-between" size isn't very appreciated by "the industry." My opinion?  I think that claiming to be a "size 8" is intended to give us the impression that the celebrity is not so skinny that we can't relate to her, but also not so fat that we cringe on her behalf, or no longer aspire to be her.  



But I'm not sure how I feel about this.  



On the one hand, I don't think a woman's body size or clothing size or weight or does-she-did-or-doesn't-she enhance her appearance through surgery or hair dye should matter a fig to anyone.  All of these things ought to be simple matters of biology and/or personal expression, NOT determinants of whether a woman ought to be respected or admired or loved.





On the other hand, since the above situation seems unlikely in the foreseeable future, my second-preference would be for female celebrities - and the rest of us! - to be completely upfront and open about their bodies.  For example, my mother-in-law, Sherry, has had quite a few cosmetic procedures and has a policy of complete disclosure. I respect this a lot. Instead of us all obsessing about "does she or doesn't she," I'd like women to simply say, "yup, I dye my hair," or "yup, I got an eye-lift," or "yup, I pay an enormous amount of money for a personal chef and personal trainer," or "yup, I had weight-loss surgery," or "nope, I eat like crap and I'm probably going to kick the bucket early, but I've got crazy good genes for looks!"  Even more basic, I'd like women to say, "yup, I'm 5'5" and today I weigh 157 pounds," (that's me, by the way).   I can't help but wonder if sharing more objective information about our bodies might help us cut through some of the little fibs we tell each other - and ourselves -  about what makes a someone "normal" "ideal" or even "real."  



Of course, we don't yet live in a world that allows women to say these things while also controlling how people react to them.  Because of this, I'd never ask anyone - celebrity or not - to "come out of the closet" about this stuff.  I just wonder whether pushing ourselves into a culture of "full disclosure" (i.e., talking about our measurements instead of our clothing size) might help us get closer to a place where the mystery of these things have less power over our lives.



But what do YOU think?  Is it nice or just sneaky when celebs talk about their clothing size?  Is it none of our business, or are you frustrated when celebrities keep their beauty secrets secret?  Finally, are you attached to being, or fitting into, a particular clothing size?  

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New Article, "Does This Make Me Look Fat?" Published in Social Problems

Hey folks,

Time for some flagrant self-promotion. I'm excited to announce the publication of my paper, "Does This Make Me Look Fat?: Aesthetic Labor and Fat Talk as Emotional Labor in a Women's Plus Size Clothing Store" in the current edition of Social Problems .






Read it and you'll learn all about my experience working in a Plus-Size clothing store. There are plenty of crazy stories (An employee weight-loss contest?! Skinny managers "Fat Talk" to Plus Sized sales associates?!?), plus academic analyses explaining why the stories matter.




Follow this link to an electronic version of the article:




http://www.kjerstingruys.com/website/Publications_files/Does_This_Make_Me_Look_Fat_.pdf







Show and tell: I'd love to know your own war stories from shopping for clothes.  Rude salespeople? Warped "skinny mirrors"? 

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Halloween temporarily turns me into an evil Slut-Shamer, so I'm staying inside to protect the world from my bitchy negative vibes.

It's been a looong time since my last post, but the winds of change and blogging productivity are finally blowing back in my direction. (In other words, my book manuscript is SUBMITTED! Huzzah!) I chose the night of Halloween for my first new post, because Halloween is a holiday rife with gender stuff and body stuff.  I can't avoid it, and needed to write.



I am not the first person to have noticed with concern that costume stores are stocked with a fairly limited assortment of highly gendered (and often highly sexualized) costume options for boys, girls, men and women (I highly recommend this article published by Miss Representation for an insightful critique of Halloween costume culture). Because of this, Halloween has long been my least favorite holidays. (Admittedly, lingering food issues and the abundance of bite-sized candy may also play into my anxieties!)





Daria is hilarious but also kind of judgy.

I feel like a rigid and totally-not-fun sourpuss when I see so much eager self-objectification among my fellow ladies.  I am Halloween's version of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Really, every year I should just dress up as  Daria, so I can blame my cynical eye rolling and huff-puffing as an effort to "stay in character."  Knowing this, and not wanting to ruin anybody else's fun night with my judginess, I typically lay low on October 31st.  (Caveat: I do enjoy costume parties hosted by my closest friends, but the last time I went to one there were 2 women dressed up as Daria, four as the modestly-clothed Golden Girls, and there was a Gloria Steinem greeting people with vintage feminist awesomeness. In other words, my friends aren't really mainstream Halloweeners....)



I hate feeling judgmental towards my fellow women. It goes against my feminist commitments to empathy, celebration of all women, and general disdain for ladies keeping other ladies down. Here's the worst part: feeling (and, even worse, acting) bitchy about women who choose to dress provocatively on Halloween makes me a Slut-Shamer.  (FYI, according to FinallyFeminist101.com, Slut-Shaming happens when a person "publicly or privately [insults] a woman because she expressed her sexuality in a way that does not conform with patriarchal expectations for women.") Slut-shaming is REALLY BAD STUFF! It contributes to a sexual double-standard in which men are praised for their sexuality while women are shamed for it; it polices rather than celebrates women's bodies and sexualities; and it implicitly (and often explicitly) positions the slut-shamer as being somehow "better-than" the slut-shamed.





This is Slut-Shaming. By 12-year-olds. It's awful.  Really, read it. Don't do it.

My Halloween slut-shamery troubles me profoundly. On the one hand, I hate (hate! hate!) how our culture objectifies and hyper-sexualizes girls and women.  I think that sexual objectification is a direct cause of body shame and disordered eating, and it is painful for me to see what I assume to be women's self-objectification on Halloween.  Yet my assumption that women dressed provocatively must be self-objectifying - the idea that they have unknowingly or complacently fallen victim to our culture's sexism - is just that: an assumption. This assumption downplays women's agency. It forgets that women can - and should - find enjoyment and pleasure in their sexuality. It forgets that we are all in costume, every day, and that our various costumes represent only one aspect of our complex selves.  Most importantly, it ignores the possibility that Halloween might be the one day of the year when women imagine that they can dress with exaggerated provocativeness without being slut-shamed. 



For these things, I apologize, and welcome your own thoughts on the subject.  I am obviously still working through this, which is why I am spending this year's Halloween in a dark movie theater watching a documentary with my sister. 



QUESTIONS: 

Is Halloween empowering to you? 

Is it a creative outlet? 

Is it a cherished and nostalgic holiday? 

Does it make you cringe? 

Are there any other 1-day-a-year ashamed-to-be-slut-shamers out there? 



Finally, a more lighthearted question: What is your all-time favorite Halloween costume?

(Here's mine: I dressed up as a DINNER SALAD one year in elementary school. I designed and sewed my own costume and everything. It didn't exactly win any popularity contests, but I know my parents were proud!)

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Is Vanity A Luxury of the Able-Bodied?

Word.

Feminist sociologists (like me!) do their best recognize that they conduct research from unique social positions, which allow us to see certain things very clearly, while blinding us to other things.  In the past, I've written about how my body image has been shaped by having clear-skinned privilege, by having - and not wanting to lose - thin-privilege (yes, even us size-10ish girls enjoy thin-privilege!), and, today, I'm giving some thought to my able-bodied privilege...



...which is why I'm so excited to introduce today's guest-blogger.  Dr. Elizabeth (Liz) Joniak-Grant is a dear friend of mine. We met in graduate school at UCLA, and I immediately admired Liz's intelligence, compassion, and witty sarcasm.   However, what I didn't see immediately was that Liz is physically disabled, even though she looks pretty normal (okay, gorgeously, fashionably, curvaliciously normal!).  Several months ago I asked Liz if she would be willing to share some of the insights she's gleaned on the topic of body image, as a result of having a body that is invisibly disabled.  Here is what she wrote:






When Kjerstin asked me to write an entry for her blog, I wondered if I had anything to contribute to a discussion about body image and mirrors. 


Meet Liz! 





I only have three mirrors in my house. Two only show me from the chest up, and the third is a full length mirror that hangs on the back of a closet door that doesn’t open easily. The only way I can see myself is if I get into the closet (which has no light) and stand about 5 inches from the mirror.  It doesn’t provide the most useful or accurate view of my body, but I’ve had this set-up for nearly 3 years and haven’t bothered to change it.  Laziness?  Partially.  But this also derives from the unique relationship I have with my body, one that loosens me from the chains of mirrors. 




My relationship with mirrors is shaped by three realities of my existence.  




Reality #1: I’m (dis)abled (not handicapped, not differently abled, just plain old boring disabled).  What does this have to do with not looking at myself in the mirror and  obsessing less about my looks?  I just don’t have the energy.  So much of my time is spent in doctor’s offices, at physical therapy, and doing exercises to help overcome my physical limitations that most mornings, and especially evenings, I don’t want to waste extra energy looking at, analyzing, and comparing myself to some ideal.  In my adult life, I have been a big believer in “good enough is enough” and I do my best to embody that (pun intended!) when I can.  




Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’m not some highly evolved being who has drunk from the fountain of “I’m beautiful no matter what!” elixir; I have doubts like everyone else.  Indeed, I’m currently designing a lovely sign to hang on my neck for all to see, that says “FYI, my recent weight gain is due to my medications and my doctor says there’s nothing I can do about it.”  I think it calls for glitter!  When I do look in a mirror, of course I notice if my makeup is smudged or if I have a spot brewing.  But what I notice more than these things is my posture.  How am I standing?  Can I pull my shoulders back more?    Are they even? Is my head sitting squarely above my shoulders? Is my chin tilted properly?  This brings me to...




Reality #2:  I use my mirrors as tools.  In the brief moments I spend looking in the mirror each day, I answer the above questions, do my best to make the necessary corrections, and then get a move on with my day (well, assuming I can actually move that day!).  My body focus is much more about function than appearance; I’ve learned that focusing on one’s appearance is a luxury reserved for those who can take their fully-abled body for granted. I don’t know anyone who, in the middle of a hideous migraine, could give two shits about what their hair looks like or if they have a pimple; they just want it to stop.  Pain is more motivating than vanity.  This is why most of the time I spend looking in the mirror is during physical therapy.  There, I have a job to do.  I need to work on getting better and reducing my pain.  During therapy, the only comparisons I make are to myself.  Finding improvement in my body’s function, rather than appearance, is what makes me feel most beautiful and happy.






Reality #3:  I get stared at by other people.  A lot.  Even though I’m disabled, I often don’t look it.  Oh sure, I have those craptastic days, when I’m half limping and my head is completely tilted.  (Cue sympathetic stares and pushy questions like, “What’s WRONG with you?”)  But usually, if I’m feeling that bad, I just stay home.  But on most days, even though my body has severe limitations, I probably don’t look like most people’s stereotype of a “disabled person.”  And so I hear comments, generally angry, suspicious, or just plain puzzled. (i.e., “You know this parking is for the disabled, right?!,” “Hummphh, why can’t she just pack her grocery bags herself? I’m in a hurry!”) Traveling via airport is my own personal hell but I’ll leave those entertaining stories for another day (call me and I’ll tell all over a pitcher of gluten-free beer!). 




Getting back to my point, I’ve realized that no matter what I do, people will always find something off/wrong/whatever about the mismatch between my “normal” appearance and my limited abilities. So, why should I waste my time and energy staring at myself and worrying about what others see? Here’s the kicker though: the limitations of my body allow me the privilege of seeing exactly how wasteful appearance obsessions are, not just for people like me, but for everyone.  




I know I’ve got better things to do, and I suspect that you do too.  





Guilty as charged:
I love it when Liz drives because we can almost always find a parking spot!


And let’s face it, the only opinions that should really matter to us are those of our true friends and loved ones. My friends LOVE riding along in my car for the “rockstar treatment” (aka disabled parking spots) and they also don’t mind that I carry a back cushion with me wherever we go, including fancy-schmancy restaurants.  They, and my husband, love me whether it’s a good day or a bad day and whether I’m rocking no makeup, a lumpy ponytail, and practical shoes, or if I’m done up to the nines.  I am loved for my inner beauty and that feels amazing even on my worst days.




So, what do you think? Is vanity a luxury? How has your body's dis/abilities shaped the way you feel about your looks?  

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See my Story on ABC's 20/20, THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT!!!

Exciting Announcement!  THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT (August 15th), ABC's 20/20 will be featuring a story about my no-mirrors experiment!     I'm nervous and excited.



So far it sounds like the theme of the show will be "Obsessions," with my story as an example of conquering an obsession.  I'll keep you all posted as I learn more.

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