Niall Doherty's Blog, page 213

Momentos: October 16th – October 31st, 2014

16.

I do love me some deep conversation, mind-expanding stuff. Probably why I find myself craving more stability lately, both in location and relationships; easier to have those frequent mind stretches with people you know well. Tonight in Santa Marta, thanks to a limitless lady and her fella, that itch got scratched.

17.

Chatting with a girl just back from La Ciudad Perdida. She’s busted up: swollen ankle, band-aids, mosquito bites. Another girl had to be carried down the mountain on a donkey after wrecking her foot. What’s amazing though is that more people don’t suffer a similar fate. It’s 26 miles of footfalls on rough terrain, a minor miracle most don’t put a foot wrong.

18.

In from a kick around with the local kids, cooling off in the pool as I get stuck into a bio of Simón Bolívar. I visited his deathbed earlier today. You can’t go far in the Americas without noticing cities, mountains, entire countries named after the man. Behind me there’s the sound of travel chatter, billiard balls, Erykah Badu singing baby you got me, and the final scene of Pulp Fiction.

19.

Up before the dawn, reading Lennox and taking notes. Apparently there is still little evidence of intermediary species in the fossil record, no strong link between reptiles and birds, for example. Paleontologist David Raup: “The record of evolution is still surprisingly jerky and, ironically, we have even fewer examples of evolutionary transition than we had in Darwin’s time.”

20.

My seventh overnight bus in six weeks, carrying me upwards to the city of the eternal Spring. There’s a morning pit stop at a roadside cafe, the place decorated with scores of portraits of scientific heroes. Einstein, Kepler, Curie, Hubble, Newton… and dozens more I’ve never heard of. I want to know them all, their stories and accomplishments.

Learning about Simón Bolívar in Santa Marta

21.

Standing listening to this dude go on and on about clean counter tops and no visitors under any circumstances and please don’t let the garbage pile up and don’t bang the door because we wake up at six every morning and my brain thinks, a) wow this guy really needs to get laid and, b) there’s absolutely no way in hell I’m going to live here.

22.

The apartment search is exhausting, another side of the nomadic lifestyle that’s lost its luster. I remember how fun it used to be, like back in my Amsterdam days. An adventure! Now it’s nothing but a drain on my time, energy, and finances. As they say, the grass is always greener on the other side, but it’s still a bitch to mow.

23.

Aside from the accommodation frustration, I’m liking Medellín a lot so far. The streets are green, the cost of living is decent, and you can even drink the tap water! Not sure yet about the dating scene. I hear it’s more like Thailand than Brazil, which doesn’t bode well. Still, I could see myself returning someday to live long-term.

24.

Ralph Nichols once said, “The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood.” As such, one of my favorite questions to ask people these days: What do you think is the most misunderstood thing about ________? Fill in that blank according to the person you’re speaking with. Mormonism, America, paleontologists, whatever.

25.

It’s been an epic day of hanging out and sightseeing with some of my favorite people in the world. Now we’re on the metro headed back towards Poblado. I’m due to come good on a lost bet and sing aloud in the park, been getting my mind right. Until Caroline proposes that I just go ahead and belt one out right there in the metro car. My breath catches. Gotta do it.

Epic day out with Man Vs. Clock, Next Stop Who Knows, Life Is Limitless, and other legendary people.

26.

Wee hours of the night and sleep is dragging at my eyes, but I lie awake reading back through Momentos from a year ago. December 6th was the last time I saw her, the last time we said goodbye. We joked then that maybe we’d meet up again in Colombia. I’m already here, and she’ll arrive in a few weeks. I wonder how it will be.

27.

I still love to play, reveled in getting out there and scrimmaging across the street this afternoon. One local kid on my team was shooting the lights out, but he was also a ball hog. I switched teams so I could D up on him. Much more fun trying to slow his roll than watching him drop buckets for my benefit.

28.

I posted a public goal earlier today, aiming to win $5,000 worth of new business in November. Honestly, I’m nervous about this, not sure I’ll succeed. Even $1k a week is a ton for me right now. To do better than that four weeks running? Fuck man, I don’t know… I could fall flat on my face here. Deep breaths, deep breaths.

29.

It’s not so much that I want to date someone or be in a relationship right now. I’m quite content being single, having all my time to myself. So why the unease, the craving for female attention? The real issue, methinks, is a lack of sexual expression. That’s what I’m missing most. Being bold and assertive and dominant, a man who goes after what he wants.

30.

I’ve been in Medellín for eleven days now, have viewed seven places, investigated dozens more… and still nowhere to call home. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had to do this once every year or two, but we’re talking four times in the past twelve months. It’s a problem more money would easily solve, another reason I want to be rich.

31.

There’s a kid soldier waiting for the metro, a princess across the track, and a ghoul looking out from the carriage. But that’s nothing compared to Poblado, where all kinds of costumes collide. There’s a guy dressed as an empanada, Michael Jackson dancing with zombies, and enough skin, cleavage and latina smiles to drive a man half-mad.

See what I mean? (More Medellín Halloween pics on Facebook.)

In the comments below, let me know which of the above Momentos is your favorite. Which can you relate to?

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$5k November: Finding Work

A few days ago I announced my goal of winning $5,000 of new business in November, and invited you to join me with your own freelance goal. If you’re already on board, great! If not, it’s not too late!

So now let’s get stuck into the reality of this. The first and perhaps biggest challenge is to find new clients to work with, new projects to work on.

How the hell do we do that?

Here’s where I take inspiration from the words of Byron Katie:

“You could have anything in the world you wanted if you were willing to ask 1,000 people for it.”

I’m going to test this hypothesis throughout November, and I encourage you to do the same.

No ask, no get.

With that in mind, the past few days I’ve been putting together a list of contacts I can reach out to. These are friends, acquaintances, past clients, and pretty much anyone else I can think of that I already have a positive relationship with.

So far I’ve come up with about 120 people.

I’ve placed all their names in a spreadsheet. My next step is to begin reaching out to them.

What do I say to these people?

I simply tell them that I’m actively seeking new web design and development projects, and ask if they or anyone they know has something I might be able to help with.

That’s pretty much it.

I figure the more people who know I’m available for hire, the better. That way I have hundreds of eyes and ears out there in the world helping me find work.

(Which is another reason why I made my $5k goal public in the first place! By writing about this challenge, all my blog readers now know that I’m available for hire as well.)

“But what if I don’t know many people?”

Now you may be thinking that I have an unfair advantage here, because I have this blog platform and can easily reach a lot of people. And I’m also a pretty social guy with lots of friends and acquaintances around the world who I can contact and ask for help.

But what if you have no significant online presence, and you’re having a hard time listing even ten different people you could reach out to?

My advice would be to get busy building relationships.

Relationship building is a long-play and you may not see significant results from it within a month, but it’s probably the best thing you can do for your business in the long run.

Because at the end of the day, business is about relationships. People want to work with people they like and trust. So it’s important that you get out there and be friendly, be helpful, be likeable.

And it’s not just about making new friends or acquaintances either. Probably more important is staying in regular contact with the people you already know, checking in on them every so often and taking a genuine interest in their lives.

I actually make it a point to reach out to at least one old friend or acquaintance every day. I have it as a daily task on my to-do list so I don’t forget.

Wrapping up

A few action items for you:

Make a list of all the friends and acquaintances you can reach out to for help finding work. (If you’re on the fence about somebody, put them on the list. What harm?)
Start reaching out to several people on that list every day.
Simultaneously, begin a daily practice of reaching out to friends and acquaintances without asking for anything. Just check in and say hi, ask how everything is going for them. Take a genuine interest in their lives.

Lastly, I want to hear from you in the comments below.

First, let me and everyone else there know what kind of work you do, what kind of services you offer. And second, please share any other ideas you have for finding new projects/clients this November.

November Challenge: Win $5k in New Business (You Too?)

Greetings from Colombia!

After a six-week overland journey from Rio de Janeiro, I arrived here in Medellín a week ago. While I had many a fun adventure en route, all that moving around wasn’t exactly conducive to getting a lot of work done. As such, my savings have run quite low (email subscribers will see exact numbers next week in my October finance report).

My plan now is to stay put in Medellín until mid-December, get into a solid work routine, and stash away a few pesos so I can continue my travels up through Central America and reach New Orleans in time for Mardi Gras (mid-February).

To help motivate myself, I’m setting a goal to win $5,000 in new business this November.[1]

To reach that goal, I’ll primarily be leveraging my skills in web design and development, aiming to land some quality freelance gigs, but I’ll keep my eyes and ears open for other opportunities as well.

If you’re a freelancer yourself, why not join me by setting your own income goal for November?

It doesn’t have to be $5k, but it should be an amount that gets you excited/nervous.

If you’re in, do these three things:

Make sure you’re signed up for my Business & Entrepreneurship mailing list. You can jump on here.
In the comments below, post your income goal for the month.
Also in the comments, tell me what skills you’re going to leverage to make it happen.

I’ll post at least one weekly update throughout November to let you know how I fare, what works for me, and what doesn’t. I’ll also be encouraging you to check in each week to share your progress.

You in?

…

[1] As mentioned, my goal is to win $5,000 in new business this November. Breaking that down:

By “win” I mean that all $5k doesn’t have to change hands in November. It will be enough for me to have solid agreements in place. For example, I may start work on a $3k project on November 7th, with a 50% deposit paid up front, and the final 50% paid upon project completion in December. That will still count as a full $3k towards the goal.
By “new business” I mean the income must be from projects started fresh in November. That way I can’t count the few hundred dollars I have owed to me by existing clients for work done in previous months.

Momentos: October 1st – October 15th, 2014

1.

We’re fifty miles south of Manaus at a place called Lago Juma. We sit in a boat and watch river dolphins hide and peek, then swim in warm water as the sun sets. After dark we venture out and witness our guide catch a caiman with bare hands. Back at the lodge we’re encouraged to hold him and take photos, but I’m not feeling it. Let the wild be free.

2.

We sleep in the wilderness tonight, hammocks wrapped in mosquito nets. It took us two hours to get here by boat. The jungle breathes heavy after dark, imagination the enemy, fear rising with the sound of something significant circling the camp, some creature after our chicken bones. At dawn we’ll awake to the distant rumble of howler monkeys.

3.

The evening winds down with a show in Teatro Amazonas, a copy of the Grand Opera de Paris, a jewel in the heart of the rainforest. Over the stage you’ll see the original curtain from 1896, depicting the parting of the waters. Directly above you’re looking up the skirt of the Eiffel Tower, painted on the ceiling, surrounded by scenes of dance, tragedy, comedy, music.

4.

Lazy day today, one I would have beaten myself up about in the past. I wasted time online, lay in my hostel bunk and watched a couple of movies, procrastinated on a bunch of projects… but at the end of it all, when it came time to answer the question, “How could I have made today better?”, nothing came to mind. Today was perfect.

5.

Do you know anyone personally who has all three areas well covered: health, wealth and relationships? I can name plenty of friends or acquaintances with one or two, but three is rare. And methinks that to thrive in any of those areas, it helps immensely to befriend and socialize with others a few steps ahead. Business-wise, I’ve been doing a woeful job of that.

Sunset swim in the Amazon (see more pics from my jungle adventure on Facebook)

6.

At the dock for 5:30, but no sign of the fast boat to Tabatinga. One lady tells us it crashed on the way downstream. I’m tired from dragging my bags across town, feeling woozy for reasons unknown. This place smells of piss and rotten fish. I make myself throw up on a trash patch floating in the river, spewing liquid green. Okay… feeling better… new plan.

7.

We cross the border easy then spend six hours at the station in Santa Elena, eating questionable sandwiches and watching miserable dogs. Now we’re finally on the move again. Our bus is ghetto and we’re stopped by police for the second time in a ten mile stretch. “Estrangeiro?” asks the fat officer. I nod, and he motions me out into the dark.

8.

Another day, another several hours waiting at a Venezuelan bus station. In walks an old man with a smile rugged and hopeful, wearing a black cape, orange sunglasses, and a floppy hat with red sequins. He proceeds to pour a jug of water in and out of a rolled up newspaper, undo the snipping of a string, and perform mildly impressive card tricks. I’d like to know more of this man’s life.

9.

70-odd hours since we left Manaus, plus a few since I last showered, eleven vehicles, twelve times pulled aside by police, some of them mere kids with automatic weapons, streams of garbage, car-shaped rust-buckets clogging the calles, lazy fat men and beautiful women with scars on their cheeks. There must be more to Venezuela, but this is what I see, and I’m glad to get out.

10.

I should have trusted my first impression two days back in Puerto La Cruz. My bag seemed different when I retrieved it from the lock-up at the station, the straps shifted. I shrugged it off at the time, but today it makes sense. My shaver and hard drive are missing. Fuck it, I had a good run. Three years on the road before I got robbed.

First look at Venezuela (see more pics from my trip on Facebook)

11.

Today I bought a new shaver, from an electronics shop that was ripe for a haggle. But I didn’t haggle. It didn’t even occur to me. I was in some kind of daze, preoccupied with the newness of my surroundings, and thoughts of other errands still ahead. To be able to recognize when you’re in a fog, and take a step back… that’s a skill worth cultivating.

12.

It’s an hour in a jeep up a rocky mountain road before setting off through the jungle on foot. We’re assaulted for the first hour by thunder and lightening and rain, feet slipping and sinking in the steep muddy trail, practicing Spanish all the while. When the storm lets up we’re treated to spectacular views of mist-kissed hills and waterfalls in the distance.

13.

A little after 5 a.m. and I stand alone on a small bridge above a sleepy stream deep in a dale, surrounded by lush green and bright flowers and tropical birdsong, sunlight yet to touch the treetops. And I think to myself, as I take a sip of hot coffee and feel it flow straight into my veins… I think to myself, this is one of those moments right here.

14.

A twenty-minute trek, one river crossing, and 1,250 stone steps is all that separates breakfast from La Ciudad Perdida. And it doesn’t disappoint. Built more than a millennium ago, they say some two thousand people once lived here. You squint and among the stone circles catch glimpses of ceremonies and dances and kids playing games long forgotten.

15.

In a haze all evening, drowsy from the marathon hike these past few days. I watch a movie with eyes half closed, then head to the dorm to call it a night. But fuck: five of the ten beds are up and about with drinks in hand, taking turns cutting and snorting from the bunk below mine. This could get messy.

Spectacular views on the way to La Ciudad Perdida (see more pics from the trek on Facebook)

…

In the comments below, let me know which of the above Momentos is your favorite. Which can you relate to?

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Erectile Dysfunction for Women: What to do when his dong don’t work :-/

Last week I wrote an article about erectile dysfunction, advising men how to deal with it. This follow-up aims to address female readers who have a sexual partner struggling with ED.

Nothing personal

First and foremost, if your man is having problems getting it up, maintaining an erection, or ejaculating prematurely, you need to know that it’s not your fault. You may worry that you’re not sexy or attractive enough, but please don’t. That’s not it. If it was, he wouldn’t be with you in the first place.

Some men may avoid you after a night of misadventure, but the most likely reason for that is his own embarrassment. His ego may demand that he keep his distance for a bit, or move along and try again with someone else. Or, as was my modus operandi, avoid all sexual interactions for a while.

So, please please please refrain from asking a guy who’s struggling between the sheets if you’re the problem. When I heard that, it just added more pressure. I then had to worry about someone else’s hurt feelings as well as my own inability to perform.

Other not-to-do’s should be obvious: Don’t laugh. Don’t make jokes. Don’t get angry or upset. Don’t text all your friends and tell them what happened. This is a very sensitive time for your man and he needs to know he can trust you.

What to do

(A caveat: I can only really tell you what behavior I appreciated and wished for when I was struggling with ED. Your guy might be different. Be sensitive and feel him out.)

I mostly recommend that you be gentle and reassuring. Don’t tell the guy that it’s no big deal — because let’s face it, it is — but let him know that you’re not about to run away screaming. He needs reassurance that he’s still worthy of you and that you’re not going to reject him because of this. You don’t even have to say anything. I personally got a lot out of my partner just laying there with me in silence and being affectionate (stroking my hair, for example). Your man may prefer being alone for a while. That’s cool, too. Give him space if he needs it.

I would suggest that you don’t even discuss the issue if this is the first time it has happened. Just assume it’s a once-off from him being tired, stressed, intoxicated, or something along those lines. Don’t ask him to explain why things went wrong, and hold off on initiating sex with him for a while. Give him time to try get his mojo back and regain confidence in his sexual prowess.

You do want to have a talk with him though if, a) a long time subsequently passes without him trying to initiate sex, or b) he experiences the same difficulty the next time you try getting jiggy.

In either case, give him the opportunity to broach the topic first. If it becomes apparent that he’s willfully ignoring the problem, tell him you’re concerned and would like to discuss it. Then you mostly want to listen and empathize. Once you think he’s expressed himself fully and feels understood, you can suggest he read my previous article, or read it yourself and offer some of the recommendations there.

If your man refuses to talk about or even acknowledge the problem, and you continue to have issues in the bedroom, unfortunately there’s not a whole lot you can do. At that point, I would recommend asking yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t make an effort to talk about and resolve whatever difficulties may arise.

The silver lining

As I wrote last week, I’ve struggled with erectile dysfunction on more than a dozen separate occasions with three different women, and I would say that all three of those relationships ultimately benefited from the experience. But that was only possible because each time it happened, myself and my partner stayed with the discomfort and opened up to each other.

So don’t despair if your guy is struggling with ED. Your relationship may well grow stronger because of it.

Momentos: September 16th – September 30th, 2014

16.

Just arrived in Belém off a 28-hour bus, grabbing a bite to eat at the station. A middle-aged lady approaches, motions to my food, asks if she can have some. I order her a pastry, and she goes ahead and orders herself a juice to go with it. I raise an eyebrow. “Suco também? Eu compro?” She smiles and shrugs like the ten-year-old girl she used to be.

17.

He excuses himself to go use the restroom. I never noticed him eyeing up the young dude who came through selling pastels, but a few minutes later he returns to his seat all giddy-like. “I give blow job,” he proudly informs me. As my mind mixes up a mash of shock, amusement and disgust, I reply that he’s got something on his chin.

18.

I usually find safety warnings to be overblown. Stay sober, don’t get lost, avoid confrontation. That steers you clear of 95% of trouble right there. But I get the distinct impression here in Belém that people aren’t exaggerating when they offer words of caution. Not sure how anyone could live here long-term, always looking over your shoulder.

19.

Holiday’s book is having an impact. An evening walk down by the river provides two opportunities to practice strong boundaries. First the homeless teen making a grab for the money I was using to buy him dinner, then the weird old dude who told me he loved the IRA, considered U2 synonymous with God, and wanted to exchange contact info.

20.

The oldest market in Latin America, fruits and colors never before seen, stalls stocked with little black voodoo jars, shirtless men from fit to fat, old broken ladies, young gatinhas, stepping over deep gutters, the buzz of a thousand merchants, the taste of cupuaçu, smells unfamiliar, air like a wet dog, batuque music wafting through.

This is Jonathan. He drew a picture of me.

21.

I wake up in a small dark room, her arm reaching for me. She cried in my arms last night, but I don’t know why; she doesn’t have words to explain, and I don’t have words to understand. She’s beautiful but has a sadness underneath that wants to be forgotten. I’d like to help her forget, but we’re not alone. Sleeping three feet away is a woman thirty years older with the same smile.

22.

Somehow I end up paying the bulk of the bill, and it ain’t cheap. I’m not a foodie, hate splashing big bucks for a meal. But before I get all resentful with these people across the table, I remind myself that there’s what happens, and there’s how I choose to think about what happens. And so I decide not to choose resentment. I choose something else.

23.

The sex feels fake and mechanical, wishing we’d said goodbye yesterday. I move to switch positions but she rolls to the side as if we’re done. “Duas vezes,” she smiles, then turns her attention to the TV. I stare at her, incredulous. “Eu não vezes,” I say. “Não estou feliz.” She smiles and shrugs, and I miss Salvador all the more.

24.

Logan’s a good guy, has helped me out big-time the past week, giving me a quiet place to work at his school, introducing me to people, taking me out to the jungle. He’s here with his wife and baby, the business fueling his philanthropic work. Or at least, that was the plan. Today he tells me they’re out of funds, gotta shut it all down.

25.

First day on the river and I spend most of it on deck, just looking. Women and kids row out to grab plastic-wrapped gifts thrown by passengers. Little shacks dot the banks, most with a satellite dish and laundry on the line. There’s the occasional church, flashes of pink dolphin, few men to be seen. We’re a thousand miles from Manaus.

Lots of huts and women and children in boats along the river.

(You can see more pics from my five-day Amazon boat trip on Facebook.)

26.

We watch a red sun disappear above the horizon and beyond the river. The Amazon is so wide in places you can’t see the far bank. A slice of moon appears in the darkened sky, soon joined by ten-thousand stars and the ghostly smear of our galaxy. I think of the first men to sail these waters, navigating the unknown by these lights in the sky.

27.

Santarém is a city of some quarter million people, located right where the Tapajós meets the Amazon, clear water refusing to mix with muddy for many miles downstream. It doesn’t feel like a jungle town, with GoPros in shop windows and speakers blasting political jingles all along the main thoroughfare.

28.

We’ve fallen into an evening routine, grabbing dinner together before claiming spots near the bow to watch the sun sink and stars emerge. Beth is from England, Siobhán from Scotland, both traveling solo. We sit and talk about books read, places been, people met, and I usually come away thinking I spoke too much and listened too little.

29.

She must be in her late fifties and built like a tree trunk. Standing there in my cabin, gesturing almost wildly, and I barely understand a word she’s saying. There’s money mentioned and I’m not sure what she wants it for. A tip? Can’t imagine how she earned it. But I want this to be over, and R$20 seems like a reasonable price to pay.

30.

Reminiscent today. It’s been three trips around the nearest star since I left home. I’ve met a lot of people, been through snow and desert, over mountains, up rivers and across oceans. Now here I am in the middle of the jungle. But thinking back on these last three years, what makes me smile most is the memory of ringing that doorbell in Slieverue.

Finally in Manaus after five days on the river.

In the comments below, let me know which of the above Momentos is your favorite. Which can you relate to?

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Erectile Dysfunction: What to do if your dong don’t work

In this article I’d like to discuss something many men will experience at some time in their life (often before the age of forty), but few are willing to talk about.

That something is erectile dysfunction.

If you’ve ever experienced premature ejaculation, problems getting it up, or the inability to maintain an erection before climax, this article is for you.

Now don’t go getting too excited. I won’t be revealing any kind of magical remedy to fix your ding dong, because…

a) I very much doubt there is one, and

b) I’m not a doctor.

But what I may be able to offer you is some hope and peace of mind.

(And for any ladies reading this, here’s a follow-up article in which I share some tips for helping your man through such an experience, and how to handle it yourself.)

I’ve experienced erectile dysfunction on two separate occasions. The first lasted a few weeks, the second eighteen months.

The Wisdom of the Penis

Back in 2008 I began dating a girl casually. I guess you could say we were fuck buddies. We didn’t spend much time together outside the bedroom. This arrangement was fine by me but I got the impression that she wanted more. Rather than sit down and talk about the relationship, I opted to avoid that topic of conversation as best I could. Soon enough we began having problems between the sheets. We’d start fooling around and I’d get an erection, but then I’d lose it as soon as I paused to put on a condom.

It was humiliating.

I was still very sexually attracted to this woman and wanted to have sex with her, but the little man wasn’t cooperating. After the first couple of malfunctions, every time I got an erection I worried that I would lose it, and that anxiety just made things worse.

This went on for a couple of weeks. During that time I noticed that I was able to maintain an erection just fine while masturbating. It was only when it came to having sex that the problem arose. (Or rather, nothing arose.)

After doing some research online, I suspected that the underlying issue was my dishonesty in the relationship. I knew my partner was looking for more commitment, but I kept stringing her along on my own terms, getting what I wanted from the relationship without much concern for her well-being. Deep down, I realized that I wasn’t okay with this arrangement — I was being a selfish asshole — and that my subconscious discontent was likely manifesting itself as a limp dick.

Sure enough, once I sat down and talked it out with my partner, things got better. I told her that I wasn’t the best man for her if she was looking for a committed relationship, and she in turn opened up to me and shared her feelings.

Although it was then apparent to both of us that we wanted different things from the relationship, we continued sleeping together for a while. With my conscience clear, I found that I was back to my old self in the bedroom, no more problems.

Broken, lonely, unworthy

All was good for many years after that. I made it a point to be very open and honest in my relationships, and always tried to ensure that my intentions and expectations were aligned with those of any sexual partner I had.

It wasn’t until 2013 that I again began to have issues. I was living in Bangkok at the time and found myself more sexually active than ever before. (White guy in Thailand, go figure.)

At the first hint of trouble, I assumed the problem was the same old issue resurfacing. I had fallen into the habit of sleeping with women I didn’t really care for, trying to get my rocks off without much concern for what their needs were.

But then I began dating a woman I really liked and eventually fell in love with. The problem persisted, despite the fact that I cared deeply for this girl, was extremely sexually attracted to her, and we opened up and communicated with each other better than I had experienced in any previous relationship.

Add to that, during the same period I noticed that I wasn’t able to maintain an erection while masturbating. And even more worrying, I rarely experienced morning wood anymore.

When I moved up to Hong Kong for a couple of months, I seemed to lose my mojo almost completely. I had no desire to go out and meet women, and very little urge to masturbate. I would make myself lie down and jerk off once a week, but found it difficult to stay aroused even for fifteen minutes.

It seemed clear to me that the cause this time must be physical rather than psychological. So I began experimenting with diet and exercise. I tried many different things to try boost my testosterone, but nothing seemed to work very well. I even went and got my testosterone levels checked at a hospital but they came back within the normal range. It was a frustrating mystery.

Guys who have been through similar will know the feeling.

When you have these kinds of problems, you feel like less of a man. You lose confidence in your ability to satisfy a woman sexually. You begin passing up opportunities to date women you’re interested in, worried that you’ll be a disappointment in the bedroom. You feign apathy to protect your ego. Even your relationships with other men suffer; you believe you’re the only one with a wonky weener and can’t help but feel inferior. The world looks less colorful. You have less bounce in your step, less gleam in your eye, less life in your voice. It doesn’t just affect your sex life; it affects everything!

We are after all sexual beings. Our primary evolutionary purpose is to get jiggy and spread our seed. That urge is a massive part of being human. And when you find that urge suddenly lacking, it’s like being locked outside in the cold when everyone else is inside around a log fire, ringing in the new year with big smiles and warm hugs.

You feel broken and lonely and unworthy.

It’s only within the last couple of months that I’ve come in out of the cold. I persisted in experimenting with my diet, and those efforts eventually paid off. I can’t say with 100% certainty what the solution was, but my best guess is that a more carb-heavy diet did the trick. I began eating a primarily paleo diet back in 2013, right around the time I started experiencing erectile dysfunction. For eighteen months I largely avoided eating bread, rice, pasta and the like (somehow never seriously considering that there might be a connection). It’s only since I’ve incorporated those types of foods back into my diet consistently that my libido has returned to normal.

Erectile dysfunction and you

Okay, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. I’m assuming here that you have some kind of erectile dysfunction and would like not to have that anymore.

First thing: go see a doctor. Preferably one you know and trust and who won’t just prescribe pills to try fix the problem. You want a medical professional who will help you uncover and treat the cause rather than the symptoms. You don’t want to rely on viagra the rest of your life (unless you’re at an age where your libido is naturally expected to decline).

In terms of self-diagnosis, you should try to determine whether the problem is primarily physical or psychological. If you’re still getting morning wood and can masturbate frequently and without issues, then it’s most likely the latter. Your best bet is to work on improving your self-communication and communication with your partner. Get really honest, even if it hurts. Don’t suppress anything. Seriously consider getting counseling, either alone or with your partner, to help with this process.

The problem may also be psychological even if you’re not getting morning wood or feeling the urge to masturbate frequently. Stress or depression could be the cause. Can you honestly say that you’re satisfied with your life outside of the bedroom? If the answer is “hell no!”, then your best bet may be to work on improving your career or finances or relationships or whatever. Once you feel you’re living a more meaningful and fulfilled life, your sexual problems may well disappear.

(Kim Anami had a good article about this recently.)

If you’ve ruled out the psychological (and I hope you don’t do so lightly), consider the physical. Start with the obvious. If you’re overweight or out of shape, work on that first. Develop healthy eating and exercise habits. Quit smoking. Cut back on drugs and alcohol. Quitting pornography may also help.

If those macro changes don’t have any effect, begin experimenting with the micro. That’s how I overcame my second bout of ED. I would have figured it out faster if I’d thought deeper about what changes I’d made to my diet around the time I started having problems. So I recommend you do that as soon as possible. Did you change your diet recently? Revert back to your old diet for a week or two and see if that has any effect.

You should also consider things like coffee, air pollution, sleep deprivation, medication and even that new brand of toothpaste you’ve been trying out.

I’m not saying that any of those diets or other things I mentioned are linked to ED. I’m not even sure if the paleo diet was responsible for my problems. My point is that you need to experiment and see what works. Persist and you’ll eventually stumble upon something or some combination of things that help you bounce back.

Lastly here, know that erectile dysfunction can often be a combination of psychological and physical causes. I believe my second bout of ED was triggered by something physical, but then I inevitably got all up in my head about it and made things worse. We’ll talk about how to handle that next.

Dealing with ED in the moment

Given that there are no quick fixes for erectile dysfunction (or at least, none that I’m aware of), it’s possible that at some point even after reading this you’ll find yourself getting all hot and heavy with a nice lady, only to experience yet another disappointment.

What then? How do you handle that? What if she starts crying and blaming herself? Or worse, pointing and laughing at your fallen soldier!?

I’ve been through it more than a dozen times now with three different women, and while I’ve never managed to turn it into a pleasant experience, I’ve learned that it doesn’t have to be the worst thing in the world. In fact, it can often lead to deeper connection and intimacy.

The first thing you want to do, when you begin to get physical with a partner, is to try relax and breathe as much as possible. Practicing meditation regularly will help with this. 1 You want to switch off your monkey mind and focus on the physical sensations you’re experiencing. Try be present for every look, every word, every touch, every kiss.

Second, you need to accept that things may go wrong, and know that it will all be okay regardless. You should actually think this through in advance. Imagine if you can’t get it up or you lose your erection or you ejaculate almost immediately. What then? What will you say to your partner? You’ll want to keep calm and have honest words ready to explain yourself and put them at ease. If you’re truly accepting of the situation, rather than resistant, most likely they will be too.

Back in January I found myself straddled by a woman I was very attracted to on every level, yet nothing was happening downstairs. So I said to her, “You know, there’s really no reason I shouldn’t have a massive erection right now. It’s nothing to do with you. I’ve been having problems with that lately.”

We talked about it and it was fine. We continued dating and had a great time together.

Which brings me to a third point: if you’re having issues, only attempt intercourse with someone you genuinely care about and connect with. I’m all for casual sex, but if you have problems in the bedroom with someone you don’t know or trust very much, there’s less chance they’ll be cool and understanding. You want to be with someone who will give you the benefit of the doubt and not go joking with their friends about your limp biscuit.

Fourth, remember that it’s not just your penis that can pleasure a woman. If you cum too fast or can’t get it up, stay relaxed and sexual and continue pleasuring her with your mouth or fingers. I found that by forgetting myself and focusing on giving my partner a pleasurable experience, I could sometimes regain my erection and resume having intercourse.

Fifth, never ever blame the girl. It’s not her fault, and if you sense she’s concerned it might be, you need to reassure her. (This is of course easier to do if you adhered to my advice in point three above.)

Sixth, use the experience as a good excuse to open up and share more of yourself. I mentioned that I’ve experienced ED with three different women, and I would say that all three relationships ultimately benefitted from it. My struggles forced me to show more vulnerability, which made each relationship more honest and intimate.

Just like any other so-called misfortune that befalls you, you can choose to find some benefit in it. In the case of erectile dysfunction, I’ve found it a useful experience for practicing honesty, humility, acceptance and intimacy. 2

Not that it doesn’t still suck. It does. But it doesn’t have to ruin your life, or even your night.

Share your story

I’ve talked to several other men about erectile dysfunction in recent years, and it seems most of us think we’re alone in our struggles. But trust me, we’re not. I tend to believe that erectile dysfunction is a very common thing, and not just for older men.

So I encourage you to share your ED experiences in the comments below, regardless of whether you’re still struggling or have figured out a solution. You’re welcome to comment anonymously (a legit email is required but will never be published). I promise not to spam you with offers of cut-price viagra

Momentos: September 1st – September 15th, 2014

1.

Two weeks ago I called myself a pussy for not making faster moves on a girl. But I’m not going to do that anymore. I wouldn’t put up with someone else speaking to me that way, so why should I accept such abuse from myself? Instead, I should look to uncover my feelings and needs. Two weeks ago, I was feeling frustrated because I had a need to be assertive and dominant.

2.

My sex drive is back in full swing, spontaneous erections, waking up in a tent… feeling more self-assured of late. What changed? My best guess is diet. When I went paleo last year I cut way down on carbs and that’s about when the little fella started having trouble. Eating more bread, rice and pasta seems to have righted the whip.

3.

You take more risks when you’re about to leave a place, try to leave nothing unsaid or undone. Why not, right? You’ll be gone soon anyway. And so my last week in a town is usually the most fun, the most honest, the biggest rush. These final days are the deathbed of a vagabond, but a death made sweet because he’s certain to be reborn.

4.

Back of a cab and we’re having a threesome: me, her and Google Translate. “I want you to make love to me all night,” she writes. Sorry, I reply. It’s my time of the month. She smiles that mischievous smile and taps back, “No problem. I can do you from behind.”

5.

I’ve invited her over tonight. No, not her. A different girl. We’ve been exchanging flirty texts all week. But my conscience has me conflicted. Should I tell her she’s not the only one, that someone else shared my bed just a few hours before? If she asks I’ll be honest, of course. But if she doesn’t, should I be the one to bring it up? I’d feel sneaky keeping quiet.

My first Capoeira class in Belo Horizonte

6.

I lie awake until the birds chirp watching weepy YouTube videos. My last night in Belo Horizonte, and I’m lonely. I want to feel. I want to cry. I’ve gotten close to some beautiful people in this town, and now I’m leaving them all behind, starting over, once again. It’s been three years of this. Hurts more than it used to.

7.

Twenty minutes into a 24-hour bus ride, just typed a thousand words in my lap to try unjumble the mad mix of thoughts and emotions running through me. We’re out of the city already, moon in full bloom. Leg room is lacking and my tired mind is annoyed by everyone around. Put your seat up. Stop being fat. Change your goddam ringtone.

8.

I’m a little envious of the gringa I met on the bus. She’s less self-conscious, quicker to engage with the locals, even though her Portuguese isn’t much better than mine. Plus, her time is all her own. Right now she’s out on the balcony chatting and making new friends while I try catch up online. That’s the downside of this lifestyle. I’m never fully traveling, never fully working.

9.

Somewhere in Barra, over a shared dish of moqueca de camarão, she’s telling me about the Brazilian political situation and upcoming elections. I’m trying my best to pay attention, calling upon my training, resisting the urge to imagine what will happen when we leave here, blinking back that glimpse of a first kiss.

10.

A self-confessed sex addict, father a pastor, mother a professor, still living at home. I ask how many guys she’s slept with and when she last got laid. She’s worried I’ll judge, but if anything I respect her more for living true to her desires. Though it’s easy for me to feel that way when we’re locked away in a hotel room all evening, fucking each other’s brains out.

Salvador!

11.

Moving fast through traffic and crowds, the bus to Fortaleza leaves in ten. I’ll make it with a minute to spare, somehow quick but unhurried. “What will you do for the next 20 hours,” her text reads. Sleep, meditate, write a bit, listen to some podcasts… but most of all, I’ll think of her and smile.

12.

Winging it can be fun, but it can also be risky. Don’t roll the dice when it comes to safety, especially if you’re a woman traveling alone. One woman I met recently was asking for trouble, arriving in a strange town after dark with nowhere to stay, no map, no plan and low funds. That’s not adventure. That’s danger. Be responsible, plan ahead.

13.

All alone in Fortaleza, and I try fight it for a bit, but soon settle in and embrace the solitude. I lay in my bunk for hours, recharging batteries and reading the bones of two books. I take a walk at sunset and find myself eating street food by a stage on the beach, surrounded by a thousand yellow shirts all singing seu nome é Jesus.

14.

Not in my pocket, not in my bag. Mind racing. I think back to the lady on the city bus earlier, how she cuidado’d me with my phone out and I yeah-yeah-yeah’d her back, finding her caution overblown. I think she was telling me she’d been robbed twice on that bus, but I didn’t want to hear it. And now… fuck. Those kids a minute ago, right alongside and me distracted.

15.

A 26-hour bus journey ahead. I usually don’t read on the bus because of motion sickness. Twenty or thirty minutes and I start feeling woozy. But I’ve been thinking, surely that’s something that can be overcome, like seasickness or a shortness of breath at high altitude. The body can adapt. So today I’ll train my body.

6am beach workout in Fortaleza

In the comments below, let me know which of the above Momentos is your favorite. Which can you relate to?

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Momentos: August 16th – August 31st, 2014

16.

Green lights all night. She invited me out, been making comments about the aphrodisiacal powers of peanuts, asking what part of town I live in. But I’m rusty. Momentum is massive in matters like this, and I’ve got little. (Which is a nice way of saying I’m being a pussy.) Then she plays Norah Jones and says it’s perfect music for love-making. My move.

17.

It’s an epidemic of fake tits and questionable employment. At least eight implants dancing in the front room as my prize leads me down the hall. Later she’ll confuse further by showing a copy of Solitude by her bedside and dropping names like Dochevsky, Freud and Wilde. More than meets the eye, this girl, has me wanting more. I leave town in 24 hours.

18.

The weirdest thing is that it doesn’t feel weird at all. Customs was a breeze and they come through the cabin spraying some anti-disease shit before takeoff, but aside from that it’s the same as it was three years and twenty-nine countries ago. The biggest change is inside myself. It was a different man who boarded that last flight out of Oregon.

19.

Stretched out along the back row, I awake and check the time. Another hour and I’ll see my best friend again. I sit up and exchange stories with the young couple in the seats ahead. The sun has gone down leaving hills cut out of a red sky, looking at the old country with new eyes. And the girl asks if I can ever see myself living back here, back home.

20.

We talk all day, through meals and jump shots and dance breaks with the cutest kid in the world. Not a topic left uncovered, yet we could talk forever more. Sixteen years ago we’d have these conversations on the roof of Granny’s barn while drinking in the stars. We’ve both changed immensely in the time since, but we get each other buzzing just the same.

Back home with the family :-)

21.

They’re home already, so we park up the road a bit, walk to the gate and hop the wall. I cut through the lawn to the front door. They’ll wonder who’s ringing the bell. Nobody rings the bell. Especially not me. I’m not supposed to be back here for another year. I push the button and wait for the birthday boy, the best man I’ve ever known.

22.

Down grass-middled lanes to the quay and we walk a bit along the railway track. Nearby we pass construction of a mega-factory alongside a castle ruin. Across the port road he takes me to a view I’ve never seen before: six family homes from the far side of the valley. “The hill doesn’t look so steep from here,” he says. “Different perspective altogether.”

23.

In a Ross coffee shop over bacon, brie and cappuccinos, I tell her a bit more about NVC. “Two responsibilities you need to give up in order to ease other people’s pain. One is feeling responsible for causing the pain. The other is feeling responsible for fixing it. If you go into any interaction with the intention of fixing the other person, you’re already doomed.”

24.

Four generations at one table, the eldest eighty-four, the youngest not yet two. My grandmother is watching us sing happy birthday to my father, her firstborn son. He just turned sixty. And I wonder which of us will be alive to see my nephew reach the same age. 2072 seems a long way off, but it’s less forward than ’54 is back.

25.

Seeing the Sahara for the first time, a light and lifeless brown below, as words from Tai Lopez come to mind. “You want there to be rules,” he says. Rules keep planes in the air, breath in your lungs, money in your bank account. There’s an order to the universe, and that’s the way it should be. Imagine the alternative. You wouldn’t want to live there.

Favela tour in Rio (thanks to Turner for the photo, and Obi for the tour)

26.

Somewhere west of Ipanema, this dude telling me he grew up in a slum. “I like rap music, but not guys like Drake. He grew up rich. He’s not real.” I’m about to make a case for a tough childhood not being a prerequisite for sincere human experience, until I remember my reading. So, instead: “Sounds like you really appreciate guys who have to overcome a lot to succeed.”

27.

We’re led through alleyways and across rooftops of the biggest favela in Latin America. Military police roam the hills in packs, assault rifles at the ready. Rats scour the open sewers while tiny monkeys clamber through jungles of black cable. We stop for pastels and açai and notice a man sitting on a wall, casually flashing a handgun, kids wandering nearby.

28.

I think I’m a pretty interesting guy, someone who can add value to many a life. Like Tynan, I believe people will like me proportionally to the amount of time they spend with me. But man, sometimes the ego gets very impatient. I hear it muttering, “Hurry the fuck up already and realize how goddamn amazing I am! What’s wrong with you people?”

29.

The night’s starting to drag as we rest on steps made of candy, but I know how to revive this. I challenge Renata to get her photo taken with a stranger, Caitlin to ask a juggler for a lesson, and before long I find myself up dancing on a bar and them cheering me on. Seems all it takes to turn things around is a stretch of the ol’ comfort zone.

30.

I picture him sitting there in a maroon-upholstered chair, in the study of my mind-made apartment in Amsterdam. I put a smile on his face and radiate a golden glow from my heart to his, sounds of crash and spray bringing me back when I drift. Finally I let him go and open my eyes to surfers gliding waves along the crust of Arpoador.

31.

Last day in Rio, held out for good weather to pay a visit to the massive Jesus. The view is spectacular, but more remarkable is the photo-fest on display, people turning near-savage to stake space and strike a pose. Tis as if a single minnow was thrown to a barrel of hungry piranhas. You’d think the big man would miracle up a few more minnows to go around.

The classic view of Rio, with my friend Renata.

In the comments below, let me know which of the above Momentos is your favorite. Which can you relate to?

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Momentos: August 1st – August 15th, 2014

1.

Einstein oft described himself as a militant pacifist, advocating resistance to military service. But he changed his tune when Hitler took power and proved bent on annihilation. Poor old Albert was criticized for being inconsistent. But hey, he was a scientist, and any good scientist will alter his views in light of new evidence.

2.

We get deep while we match symbols, pull wooden blocks and eat shitty french fries. I ask how many sex partners she’s had, and get the same question back. We talk about one night stands, monogamy and opportunity cost. I realize that the more truthful I am with this girl, the less likely I am to sleep with her. But that’s okay.

3.

Prep and research for the trip north. I want to be in Colombia by the first week of October, and I want to take my time getting there, enjoying the journey, not worrying about work. So I’m pushing hard now to earn a few weeks offline. Venezuela sounds like it might be dodgy though, especially at the Colombian border. I may need to find another route.

4.

Reading about Bruce Lee. He died at age 32, the same age I am now. He had two thousand books in his personal library, a true philomath. I’m seeing this pattern with all the remarkable people I study. They’re all voracious readers, insatiably curious. “Be happy,” Lee once wrote, “but never satisfied. A man must constantly exceed his level.”

5.

I’m surprised you’re still reading this blog, surprised that anyone is really. And grateful, let’s not forget grateful. I publish a rare post and get a bunch of supportive comments and emails. Someone even sent me a $10 donation today. I guess I’ve built up a lot of goodwill over the years. Thank you for reading. I’m glad we have this time together.

The view from Praça do Papa in Belo Horizonte

6.

Solitude. I’ve been alone in the apartment for five days now, and loving it. Working, reading, eating, meditating… the occasional moonwalk across the living room. I was going to attend a meetup last night but checked in with myself and decided more alone time was in order. I’m quite content like this, though I’m sure the pendulum will swing back the other way before too long.

7.

Been reading NVC, one of those a-ha books, lifts a veil you didn’t know was there. Now I can see clearly how everyone is just trying to get their needs met. The know-it-all at the meetup; the prostitutes at the intersection; the critic in the comments; me, taking twenty minutes to write a reply. All attempts to meet needs, mostly unspoken, often unconscious.

8.

I don’t have long left in Belo Horizonte, just a few more weeks. But I can see myself coming back here to live again some time. It would be a good home base. The people are incredibly friendly, the women are beautiful, the cost of living isn’t too bad, the weather is perfect. Make time to be social, learn some Portuguese, and you can be very happy here.

9.

John’s response got me thinking. I’ve committed to staying in shape. Diet and exercise has been a huge priority for me here in Brazil. The software business? Hard to admit, but not so much. My efforts have been scattered. I haven’t gone all in. And I’m not sure I can until I settle down somewhere long-term, hammer away at it day after day like it’s my job.

10.

Ten hours sleep, up before eight. Shave, shower, walk around the block to catch some sun. Clean apartment. Breakfast of lentils, sausage, egg, spinach and tomato, with a cup of tea. Coaching call. Green smoothie. Fasting now. Finance report. Work. Sneaky coffee and a novel across the street. Skype with meus pais. Work. More tea. Weekly review, inbox zero. Book. Bed.

Hanging with some Couchsurfing friends at the Thursday-night feirinha

11.

Over the past eight months or so, many professionals in the travel industry have told me about painful problems in their business they’d happily pay to have solved. But validating those ideas has proven difficult. Easy find one or two people with a specific problem, but finding enough to sustain a SaaS? That’s where office hours are required.

12.

Feigning apathy. You work up to something for three months, and then just when you’re about to reach that goal, there’s a voice in your head that says it’s fine to quit, that it doesn’t really matter, that you’ve got nothing to prove. But that’s bullshit and you know it. Your ego trying to protect itself. You’re here because you care, because you want this. Finish strong.

13.

Warren Buffett was once asked what superpower he’d like to have, and responded that he’d like the ability to read faster. Definitely feeling him on that. Blows my mind how much knowledge is out there just waiting to be absorbed. I read two books a week nowadays, but I’ll never clear my wish list.

14.

Belo Horizonte gives the impression of insecurity. Every wall less than eight feet tall is crowned with spikes and an electric fence. You’re told not to walk around with your phone out, someone might snatch it. And I know there are real dangers here, but I wonder what’s more discomforting: the actual dangers, or all the warnings and precautions.

15.

In his bachelor pad on the fifteenth floor, watching white lines disappear. They call him the Highlander, because he never dies, always the last man standing on a night out, never seems to sleep, a billion-watt smile ever-present. Earlier in the evening he showed pics of a playmate he hooked up with last week in Rio, then skipped us past the line into a club.

Finished strong: 101 push-ups in a single set

In the comments below, let me know which of the above Momentos is your favorite. Which can you relate to?

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