Mandi Bean's Blog, page 13

On settling in.

Miracle MaddieOur Maddie Girl has been chugging right along and settling in to her new care routine that’s been adapted to include her improvements.She’s seeing the chiropractor once a week now, and Missy’s working on her home care plan with everything she’s learned.People are receiving the shirts they ordered and have been awesome enough to post them online!We’re $12,650 away from hitting our goal on GoFundMe! This will come in handy when Maddie goes for her second round of stem cell treatments and travels for more intensive therapy. For my upcoming birthday (September 18th), I’ll be asking anyone and everyone to donate to Maddie’s GoFundMe in lieu of any gifts or cards.Getting to Ireland

Everyone needs to fly business class at least once. Settling in to a lie-flat seat after drinking some red wine was the height of luxury for me. I’m so glad I treated myself. Navigating JFK airport with my parents was an adventure, but everything went smoothly. I saw a nun while waiting to board and she was eating chocolate, and I thought that was a very good sign.

Settling in on the plane, I made pleasant conversation with the woman beside me. She was going to Ireland for work since she works for an Irish company. She had the coolest drink order ever (two Bloody Marys and a ginger ale) and broke down the movie she was watching with me. I wish I could have slept longer, but if that’s the only complaint I have, life is good.

Arriving in Ireland

At the Dublin airport, my email said the university bus wouldn’t pick me up until 11:55 AM. My flight got in early, around 7:30 AM, so I set about settling in for the long wait. But then someone called me and said I missed the early bus. I had no idea there was another bus! The nice man on the phone explained I could catch the next one if I headed over to Terminal 1. I was positive I’d get in trouble, but nothing happened! After only 72 hours in the country, I learned that the Irish don’t let themselves get too worked up. I’ve been freaking out over COVID restrictions. I’ve literally been making myself sick over trying to make everything perfect. Through it all, the Irish people have been kind and patient and supportive.

Since I have to restrict my movements, I ordered groceries online to have them delivered. But I missed the delivery driver and I was mortified. The stress from it kept my shoulders up by my ears. I couldn’t relax! My housemate found me sitting on the stairs like a weirdo. I’d be damned if I missed him a second time! But the driver came back around and only teased me a little bit. I need to relax and let myself make mistakes. Moving to another country is a big deal. I’m going to learn some things the hard way. What’s most important is that I enjoy my time here.

What I’ve learned so far

So I missed my slot for grocery delivery; I survived. I walked to the grocery store for toilet paper (which I forgot to order) and my GPS cut out, but I survived. I’m pretty proud of myself in all honesty. I had a little bout of homesickness last night, but I wrote about it and texted my mom, and I survived. I’m hoping living here and settling in will help me get a new perspective on life and on what I’m capable of.

Classes don’t start until September 6th, so I have time to take everything in and breathe.

Pictures Galore! I have a big, cozy bed that took forever to make because the sheets don’t quite fit. I have a PRIVATE BATHROOM! I’ve already made a mess of it, but how great! These crazy, cool stairs lead to a study loft! I’ve already banged my shins a million times. They’re half steps, so I have to make sure to literally start off on the right foot. My absolutely favorite thing about my accommodation is the balcony. I can hear the Shannon River from it. I took a walk the other day and stumbled upon “Kilmurry Beach,” which is apparently the hidden gem of Kilmurry Village. On sunnier, warmer days, people go swimming.Writing

I tried writing some yesterday, but it all felt flat. It’s going to take some time to fall back into a writing routine, and I think classes will help. I plan on emailing my publisher on September 1st, if I haven’t heard back before then.

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On striving to never be ungrateful.

I’m writing this on my last full day in America for a while. That is both exciting and somewhat terrifying. I don’t want to sound ungrateful for the opportunity to live and study in Ireland for an academic year. In fact, I never want to sound ungrateful ever again. I want to strive to never be ungrateful.

Miracle Maddie

Maddie is still doing well! The report of her re-evaluation by her chiropractor stated that she’s showing neurological improvement! She’s also regained some significant reflexes, like coughing and gagging. Her eyes are reactive. The plan is to continue to work on the neural pathways that are present to continue to help her heal.

It would be understandable if I was disappointed that she was healing so slowly. But I am striving to never be ungrateful. The fact that she’s still here is truly a miracle. And she’s fighting every day. She’s working so hard to get better. That’s remarkable.

Where there’s life, there’s hope.

And in case these blog posts aren’t your thing, you can always get updates about Maddie here.

Ireland

It feels weird to write about how blessed I feel and how good life is when this has been the worst year of my life. All the same, it’s true. I would be extremely ungrateful if I chose to ignore the love that has surrounded me since Maddie’s tragic accident. And the fact of the matter is that love has always been around me but I was blinded by various distractions without value.

Last night, my friends threw me another going away party. It was perfect, absolutely perfect. I am stunned that such kind, incredible, and wonderful women would choose to support me and befriend me. Every time I tried to thank them, they’d respond with, “That’s what friends do.” I realized it’s been a long time since I had real friends. I will never be ungrateful for them.

So I’m running out of things to do other than getting on the plane and leaving. I took my PCR test and there’s only a few things left to pack. I’m getting my paperwork in order and cleaning out my car so my sister can use it while I’m gone.

And my parents are selling my childhood home, the home they’ve lived in for nearly three decades. When I fly home for Christmas, I don’t know where I’ll be flying to. I’ve never been a fan of change, but this year has changed everything. The only thing that remains a constant is the love and support of family and friends.

I will never ever be ungrateful.

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On packing.

Miracle Maddie

Before I start talking about packing–the main focus of preparations for Ireland at this point–I should talk about Maddie Girl and the wonderful strides she’s making! We can see that she’s working so hard, especially when she tries to focus her vision on whoever is talking to her. Since returning from Austin, Maddie’s been using new supplements and her mom is still waiting for the equipment she ordered at Dr. Crawford’s office. She’s been continuing her craniosacral chiropractor appointments, and at her latest pulmonologist appointment, Maddie impressed her doctor!

The plan is to deflate her tracheotomy cuff and then have a checkup visit in two months. At that time, the Passy-Muri valve would be the next step as long as Maddie tolerates the cuff being deflated. She’s also been able to reduce some doses for some of her medication and tomorrow, the chiropractor is going to evaluate Maddie again to see all the progress she’s made. This is all good news and we’re still feeling optimistic.

Maddie was able to catch some rays and some cuddle time with her brothers.Ireland

I’ve been struggling to pack. Planning and packing for a year overwhelms me. I’m not known for my planning (or my packing, for that matter). I much prefer to kind of fly by the seat of my pants and be whimsical and mysterious. Unfortunately, that’s not an option when you’re going to live and study and possibly work in another country for a year.

I Googled “how to pack for a year” and watched three YouTube videos. I reached out to friends on Facebook for their packing tips. I bought space saver bags and packing cubes (they’re really cute! They have cacti on them!) I worked for three days to fit everything, but alas, I had to wean down my items.

In the end, it was my dad coming through with his Army Roll method that saved the day! I’m finally all done with packing. Now I just have to take my PCR test and be on my way! This is exciting!

Writing

In between all the packing, I did find time to reach out to my publisher. I still haven’t heard back, but I’m reminding myself to stay patient. Maybe they’re operating on summer hours. And they said my projected publication date wouldn’t be until the summer of 2022. Patience has never been my strong suit, but there is still time.

A woman writer hard at work–that’s the goal, folks.

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On getting ready.

Miracle Maddie

Maddie’s back home in Florida after a wonderful week at the Austin Center for Developing Minds with Dr. Crawford in Austin, Texas. Maddie made great strides and Missy is getting ready for the next steps. She’s awaiting on the equipment necessary to continue treatment for Maddie at home.

Maddie Girl during treatment.They stimulate one of Maddie’s neural pathways and then laser it to help her heal.

We were thrilled to learn Maddie Girl can hear and see, and I’m so thankful for everything I whispered in Maddie’s ear during my stay in Florida. It’ll be extremely difficult to be away from her for a prolonged period of time, but I am confident she’ll continue to heal. I’m trying to change my perspective so I feel more like I’m getting ready to be impressed by Maddie when I return.

Louie

Louie’s fine. He’s not getting ready for anything. Instead, he’s milking recovering from routine surgery for more snacks and attention. He’s lucky he’s cute.

It’s a good thing he’s cute.Ireland

One of my favorite quotes from any form of media ever comes from Christopher Nolan’s movie Interstellar. Anne Hathaway tells the rest of her crew at one point during the film that, “Love is the only energy humans can perceive that transcends both time and space.” I remember the first time I saw the movie and heard that brilliant line. I started searching through my purse in the dark theater for a pen and something to write on so I could copy it down. I eventually found a gross Post-It Note, and today, that same Post-It note is firmly taped inside one of my journals. That’s how much that quote means to me.

And to continue with the theme of blessings, I feel so blessed that I have been able to see this quote in action in my own life. Love from the real and good and authentic people in my life has made itself known regardless of time or space. Last night was just such an example.

Some of my friends treated me to a night out on the shore, and I absolutely loved every single second of it. It was a thoughtful, generous surprise and I was truly touched.

Lovely gift from loving friends.

I’m going to continue packing. I need to order and pick up euros from my bank and schedule my PCR test. As the time nears to my departure, I’m growing both more excited and more nervous. I assume that’s normal.

Writing

I’m happy to share I’ve been writing in short spurts, like slowly easing myself back into a routine. I’m worried I haven’t heard from my current publisher yet about another round of edits. If I don’t receive a response by the end of the week, I think I’ll email again.

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On blessings.

Life is full of blessings. The problems start only when we fail to recognize those blessings. If we can’t spot them, then we can’t accept them. I, for one, am willing to accept all the blessings I can get.

Miracle Maddie

The Miracle Maddie Mobile (also known as my parents’ RV) safely arrived in Austin, Texas on Sunday. Missy’s splitting an Airbnb with another family she met through her Facebook support group. Isaac had an accident similar to Maddie’s over a year ago, and he is a cutie! He’s made great strides, and Isaac and his sisters got to spend time with Maddie and two of her brothers.

What a crew! Living, breathing blessings!

Maddie and Isaac are at The Austin Center for Developing Minds to undergo laser light therapy treatments. Maddie’s first day was a success: SHE CAN HEAR AND SHE CAN SEE! Dr. Crawford thinks she’s a great candidate, and Missy already sees more eye movement and an improvement in tone.

Maddie Girl receiving laser light therapy. Her ability to get this treatment and her positive response are blessings.

Maddie Girl is truly a miracle. She’s not supposed to be here, and the fact that she still is here–and that she can see and hear–is absolutely remarkable. My family and I are overjoyed and so thankful to God. We’re so thankful to all of our supportive, patient, and kind friends, family and loved. The professionals we’ve encountered in the last five months have been knowledgeable, but more importantly, they have been compassionate.

Maddie’s PopPop with Dr. Crawford–incredibly intelligent and kind. He and his staff are certainly blessings.

With all the excitement happening in Austin, I bet you’re just dying to know what I’ve been up to.

Louie

I’ve been watching my parents’ dog, Louie. He’s healing from his neutering procedure from Friday, but keeping him still and calm is far from easy. I have to take him out on the leash and keep him from licking his stitches. The first day or two was rough, and I was worried I was doing everything wrong. But aside from peeing on the living room floor and absolutely hating his cone of shame, Louie’s been a pretty easy patient. He actually is a really good dog. He’s great company and has an awesome temperament.

Louie Louie: definitely one of those seemingly elusive blessings.Ireland

I paid my tuition, and it wasn’t as much as I thought it would be. When I called the bank to prove that it wasn’t fraud and to temporarily increase my daily spending limit for online transactions, the woman who helped me was SO NICE and offered some awesome advice. Everything I thought would be time consuming and irritating has been okay. So now I’m focusing on packing.

I think being messy makes me interesting, but really, it’s annoying. It’s definitely not one of the blessings I long to recognize and accept.

I have twenty-something days before my flight–that’s it. When I think about it, I always come to the same emotion: holy shit, this is really happening, which is equal parts exciting and terrifying. I’ll just keep breathing and take help where I can get it.

The travel blogs I’ve been reading all say to pack half the stuff and bring double the money. I’m on board with that plan, but will also gladly take all kinds of advice, so please comment on this post with any helpful tips for international travel.

Looking ahead

I wanted to cruise across America this summer as a kind of farewell tour, but God had other plans, which is fine. I wanted to lounge by the pool, but I’ve got to keep an eye on Louie, who is whining and licking my knee as I type this. It’s been go, go, go for months. I can’t stop thinking ahead and I can’t seem to let myself settle or enjoy any kind of permanence.

So I think when I get back from Ireland, I might spend the summer journeying across the country–if I have the money. I think it’d be cool to take coastal highways down to Florida, like go old school and buy an atlas and map it all out before I even leave, and then take a southern route to California. I’d like to drive the Pacific Coast Highway from south to north and then head back to Jersey via a northern route. All this depends on when I get back and what my bank account will look like. I’m really going to start working on my freelance career for when I’m in Ireland. I’ve been using the website WritersWork to get started and it’s been really helpful so far.

A good friend of mine said she’d teach me how to surf. I want to learn by the time I’m 35; two years.

I want to camp and go horseback riding. I’m longing for campfires and simplicity. I want to keep running away, maybe. What I’m running from changes. And I’d like to arrive at a place where I’m not running away from anything, but running to something: opportunity, creativity, love, friendship, hope. Something good. To be able to think about the future like this is one of those blessings I need to recognize and accept.

Reader/Writer

I’ve always loved the way God (or the universe for my secular readers) has placed books in my path when I’ve asked him for a sign. It’s been especially obvious lately. Both books came courtesy of Taylor Jenkins Reid. In the first novel I read by her, a woman decides to choose herself and live in another country after a lifetime spent doing for others. I don’t think I’m entirely selfless or a martyr by any means, but I think we can all relate to feeling underappreciated. Plus, that main character wants to surf and I love “Point Break,” so that’s where that surfing idea came from.

And in the most recent novel I read by Jenkins Reid, the protagonist lets go of a person she loves because it will never work. She accepts it and lives with it, and that helps confirm and/or validate a decision I’ve recently made in my personal life. So thank God for Taylor Jenkins Reid and other female authors writing authentic female characters. That’s another one of those blessings for sure.

Blessings courtesy of the wonderful Taylor Jenkins Reid.

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On life and hope.

And I’m alone again.

Dad, Jimmy, and Jack left for Florida this morning. They’re in the RV and once they pick up Mom, Missy, and Maddie, they’ll be on their way to Austin, Texas for Maddie’s intensive treatments with Dr. Crawford. Those treatments consist of MNRI (Masgutova Neurosensorimotor Reflex Integration) and laser light therapy. Dr. Crawford is the founder of The Austin Center for Developing Minds, but is no longer associated with ShedLight (which is a disclaimer right on his website, so I thought I’d share it here).

Laser light therapy is also known as Photobiomodulation, which basically breaks down to “changing life with light.” The point of the treatments is to “turn on the network” or stimulate the pathway, and then laser it. It is a “non-invasive, non-carcinogenic, atraumatic [which means it’s not traumatic], with no known side effect therapy to many diseases and undesired conditions” and “application in one site of the body can produce an improvement of condition in another body part” (This video explains all this very thoroughly, but it is lengthy). So at its core, this therapy is “an alternative physical therapy to improving brain function…a very safe modality that produces dramatic change.” And that’s what we’re after for Maddie–dramatic change and major gains to help improve her current condition.

Maddie has already made major gains. Some were on her own–she started breathing on her own at Golisano Children’s Hospital of Southwest Florida, much to the surprise of the staff there. Shortly after being discharged, I traveled with Maddie and Missy to New Orelans, Louisiana for hyperbaric oxygen treatments (HBOT) with Dr. Harch. There’s great information on his website–I especially enjoy the success stories for obvious reasons–and Maddie saw improved tone so she wasn’t as stiff and it helped calm her down. Maddie’s been continuing this treatments since she’s been home thanks to a home chamber and a home program developed with Dr. Harch.

Maddie’s also traveled to Surprise, Arizona to receive an adipose stem cell treatment with Dr. Proefrock. Stem cells take some time to kick in, and as of this writing, Maddie’s is in the window for the gains from this treatment to really be seen.

Maddie also received intensive MNRI therapy for a week upon returning from her trips to Louisiana and Arizona. Her therapist was Kristy Stamper and everyone, absolutely everyone, loved her. Maddie responded phenomenally well, much better than anticipated, and the family firmly believes that all of these treatments working in conjunction have helped Maddie open and begin trying to focus her eyes more, relax her posture and reduce her neurostorming (which is “caused when the autonomic nervous system (ANS), central nervous system (CNS), sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and para sympathetic nervous system (PSNS) have difficulty regulating after a severe TBI” (traumatic brain injury)), regain her ability to yawn and elicit coughs, improve her sleep/wake cycle, and truly set her on a path to recovery. This would not have been possible without the Facebook support group Missy found that informed us about these alternative treatments, the compassionate and wildly intelligent and profoundly dedicated medical professionals–specifically Dr. Harch, Dr. Proefrock, and Dr. Crawford–and the donations that have been coming in through the GoFundMe.

https://gofund.me/f7fb7cad

Families of children who suffer traumatic brain injuries, from near-fatal drownings or anything else, need to know there is hope and there are things you can do. We were told to withdraw Maddie’s care 72 hours after her accident (which would have consisted of essentially starving her). But look at her now! Where there is life, there certainly is hope, and that’s why we call her Miracle Maddie. She’s not supposed to be here, but she is, and because of that, we’ll keep fighting.

I’m disappointed I’m not able to travel to Austin with most of my family. I’m sad I won’t be able to see Maddie at the end of each day of treatment to see how she’s progressing. But I am overjoyed that this is even something I can be sad about.

And someone has to be here to take my parent’s dog Louie to be neutered. The great thing about Louie is that he’s adorably awesome company.

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I do have a lot to do to get ready for Ireland as well. I leave in 30 days. I booked my flight, and though it was expensive, it was worth it to find a business class ticket for a direct flight to Dublin, Ireland. Travel restrictions because of the COVID-19 pandemic vary from country to country, so it really was in my best interest to avoid layovers lest I be forced to quarantine in a country and mess up my timeline for starting classes. I need a negative PCR test 72 hours before landing and I have to download Ireland’s COVID tracker app. I have to contact my bank, my car insurance provider (to see if I can reduce monthly payments), Navient (to defer my student loan payments while I’m enrolled), and my phone carrier to see the most affordable option for using my phone–with my American number–overseas. My luggage and packing cubes and voltage adapters should be coming today, and I am going to do some clothes shopping later this week, so it all feels very real very fast.

I’m focusing on not getting overwhelmed and just enjoying this experience.

I haven’t been writing, but I’ve been reading. And the writing will come.

Stay gold, friends xoxo

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On steps to success.

This is the start of my last week in Florida before I leave to study and live in Ireland for a year. Maddie has made amazing strides forward, small and slow though they may be. One of my dear friends told me it makes sense that Maddie’s steps forward are small because her feet are small. That’s one of the cutest mantras I’ve ever heard. And I think I’m going to hang it up in Maddie’s bedroom somewhere. Maddie’s healthy and without infection, and we’re working with her pulmonologist to keep it that way while she travels to Austin, Texas for a week of intensive treatment with Dr. Crawford (this video explains better than I could what that treatment entails).

Missy found a meme in one of her support groups that explains its best: when we get discouraged about Maddie’s cognitive progress, we have to remember that we can’t see what’s going on in her brain. All sorts of good things can be happening, but the central nervous system suppressants Maddie is currently taking (a total of five) can be muting or distorting what those good things actually look like. I’m excited for Ireland, naturally, but I’m also excited to come home and see Maddie’s progress. I truly believe the sky’s the limit. She’s come so far already, and there are more alternative, intensive treatments to try.

As far as Ireland goes, I’m waiting to receive a move-in date so I can finish my mandatory self-isolation period (which could be as short as five days) on campus. Once I get that date, I’m going to book my flight. Once I get back home to New Jersey, I plan on going shopping and packing. I think it will finally feel real then.

I haven’t done a lot of writing (sorry!), but I finished Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey and found it enjoyable even though it was meandering and self-serving. I’m now reading The Mountain is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery by Brianna Wiest. To be honest, I feel a little hoodwinked because Wiest is not a life coach or a psychologist or a therapist. She’s an author writing for Thought Catalog, which posts some less than professional and/or credible articles online. Still, I’m taking what I can from it and am going to use it to bolster my reserve concerning certain relationships I plan on terminating while in Ireland.

I’m excited for this trip to be a major period of self-growth. I am going to become a better person; more confident and stylish and talented and loving.

[image error]

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On preparations.

I spent the fourth of July in Florida with Maddie and the family. The display of residential fireworks was breathtaking. It really was a gorgeous and glorious holiday, and even Maddie got to come outside for a little bit. She’s been dealing with a slight cold, so she’s been taking a break from her therapies and programs. When she’s feeling better, we’ll dive right back into it. At the end of this month, she’ll be traveling to Austin, Texas for a week-long intensive therapy with Dr. Crawford. I’m excited to see how Maddie responds because so far, she’s responded well to all the therapies we’ve tried: hyperbaric oxygen treatments, stem cell treatments, and MNRI therapy. And we haven’t even seen all her gains yet! A lot of these therapies take months to fully kick in, so it’s an exciting and hopeful time for us and for Maddie. I’m a little bummed I’m not able to go Austin, but I am getting excited for my trip to Limerick, Ireland.

I’ll be living in Brennan Court in Kilmurry Village at the University of Limerick. The pictures I’ve seen look amazing and I can’t wait to share my own personal photos with you. I filled out a Google Form in order to be able to move into my accommodation early. I’m going to receive a confirmation email in about 72 hours, and then I’ll be able to book my flight. I’ve been waiting because the COVID restrictions and regulations are changing often (and there’s supposed to be a new announcement on July 19th), and I have to make sure there’s enough time to quarantine–if need be. I’ve been focusing on buying luggage and coming up with a list of what to pack. I have to bring my own linens, and they can take up a lot of space, so I’m purchasing a three-piece luggage set with packing cubes that can be compressed. That’s my first major purchase and once I start filling those up, it might actually feel real. I also have to call my bank to make sure my card doesn’t get blocked once I’m abroad, and I have to contact Navient to defer my payments while I’m back in school.

I’m fairly confident I’ll forget something and inadvertently make my life harder.

I don’t want to be rusty when I get to Ireland as far as my creative writing is concerned, so I tried writing this week, but it all felt forced and awful. I was able to flesh out the plot some more and I did generate some solid ideas, but I’m having trouble executing those ideas. I think I need to delve back into reading some fiction. I also am considering switching from typing to handwriting. Typing is all muscle memory, but because handwriting engages with different parts of the brain, it ignites a different kind of creativity. That could help. I’ll let you know how that goes.

I’ll be back in New Jersey around the 20th–about a month before my flight. The plan is to pack and prepare, but I also want to make sure I see all of my friends and family. Life’s been weird and it feels like mine has been stopped twice: once with the pandemic, twice with Maddie’s accident.

So here’s to preparing for good times, for hopeful times.

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On being in transit.

At the end of this week, I’m going back down to Florida. I’m going to sort of switch places with Dad, so he can come back to New Jersey and really start working on selling the house. I wasn’t planning on going back so soon, but I do miss Maddie. And as my departure date for Ireland looms closer, the time I get to spend with Maddie is limited, so I need to capitalize when I can.

I need to get to Ireland between August 20th and August 23rd so there’s enough time to complete a mandatory quarantine before classes start. Before my flight, I need to get a negative COVID test, taken no sooner than 72 hours before. I should be able to move into my dorm room (or “accommodation,” as they call it) early, so the plan is to quarantine there. The quarantine period was originally 14 days, and then it was shortened to ten days, and now it could be as short as five days as long as I show another negative COVID test. I’ve been holding off on booking my flight as the COVID regulations keep changing and because the University of Limerick is working to arrange transportation from the airport to the university. I’m not sure if flying into Dublin or Shannon would be better, so I’m trying to get as much information as possible. I don’t want to wait too long because, according to my group chat of postgraduate students also traveling to Ireland, prices are going up.

Recently, I entered CRAFT’s First Chapters Contest. I submitted what I used for my application to the University of Ireland. Keep your fingers crossed. Other than that, the writing is slow going. I’ve been in touch with writer friends I made from conferences, and we’re all in different places in our writing projects, so that makes me feel a little better about it. I have ideas–and I’ve been reading a lot–so I think I just need time and space. Enter Ireland.

I cleaned out my classroom today. It’s incredibly hot, so I left the lights off. Nearly a decade of teaching fit into five plastic bins (all books I’d brought in for a classroom library) and one box (knickknacks from my desk). I moved them to my car and that was it. I remember when I first started teaching and I traveled from classroom to classroom. I didn’t have a place of my own, and wasn’t able to acquire a much sought after cart, so I had a traveling briefcase. It helped me become a minimalist teacher, and it wasn’t until my eighth year that I got my own classroom, so I didn’t have anything to fill it with and didn’t have the predilection to fill it up. I guess it’s all worked out, though. Not having a lot to move or travel with has made this newly adopted transitory lifestyle easy.

Since being alone and bored, I’ve taken to buying things advertised on Instagram. I bought the Il Makiage foundation–the one that’s supposed to match perfectly once you take their online test. Intrigued, I took the test and ordered the foundation. When I opened the box, I read the instructions and followed them very closely. And I have to say that it DID match perfectly. I love it. I use more than their recommended two pumps, but it gives solid coverage. I guess if the writing doesn’t work out, I could be product reviewer.

I finished reading Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid. I wasn’t all that impressed while I was reading it, which disappointed me because I’d heard such great things about her earlier novel, Daisy Jones and the Six. When I finished the novel, however, I was definitely moved and think Reid has a subtle mastery of storytelling that blindsides the reader. So in truth, I really did enjoy it and recommend it, especially for a summer read. Now, I’m working my way through Matthew McConaughey’s memoir Greenlights and I am thoroughly enjoying it. The plan is after I finish reading that, I’ll check out Jo Nesbo and then return to nonfiction with a book dealing with Maddie’s situation.

What are you reading? What are your travel plans for the summer? Comment and let me know!

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On STILL trying.

Before I get into the real meat and potatoes of this post, I have a confession to make. Last week, I tried starting a podcast based on these blogs. But I was a little lazy and instead of recording the entry myself, I settled for a creepy, robotic voice. I’m opting to record the reading of this post myself in attempt to do better–although I worry I’ve been saying that a lot lately, that I’ll do better next time.

I am trying to figure out how to step back into my life, as I focused on in my last blog post. I went to the faculty’s annual end of the year party and felt more like I was crashing the party. I couldn’t shake the feeling I was on the outside looking in. I guess it’s always humbling to realize that life really does go on without you. Social circles did not collapse in my absence. The building did not fall down. I think we all try to balance some level of narcissism. Everyone likes to be missed, right?

And I’ve never liked to be alone for extended periods of time. I mean, I love alone time but with the understanding that I can be social soon enough. My parents left for Florida over the weekend, leaving me alone in my childhood home (aside from an Australian shepherd and two cats). It’s the first time I’ve been alone in months. Part of me is looking forward to it, but a larger part of me feels anxious about it. Under even the best circumstances, being alone with my thoughts can lead to a depressive bout, and I feel like those chances are increased trifold considering the state of my life. I confessed to my mom that since Maddie’s accident, I’ve been going; traveling to Florida, figuring out how to get back to Florida, traveling to New Orleans, returning to New Jersey. Now, for the first time, I am able to stop and process everything that’s changed. I’m out of adrenaline. I’m out of things to do for the most part. I’m not sure what to look forward to.

I’ve been reading more, which is good. I finished Andrew McCarthy’s memoir Brat: An 80s Story. I really enjoyed it and was impressed by its originality. While admitting some regrettable moments of self-sabotage, McCarthy doesn’t really lament the career he could have had. He asserts that everything that happened did so for a reason. He’s happy now and he’s made peace with how he got to now. He’s not bitter and he doesn’t restrict himself to a superstar from the 1980s. His honest account of how he almost became a Hollywood heartthrob is engaging and authentic. I started Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid the other day. I’ve really been going back to the 1980s and it reminds me of one of my favorite lines from Pretty in Pink: You can overdose on nostalgia. But maybe that’s how I escape the fear, the anger, the sorrow, and the uncertainty of my present.

I wish I could escape into my writing. I have some new ideas to kick around, but I’d really like to settle into a project that I’m excited about. I’m waiting for the second round of edits from my publisher. I guess there’s no rush; my anticipated publication date is in a year. I’m really hoping studying in Ireland will help me get back into the swing of things as far as my writing is concerned. I think a single focus on writing–craft and comprehension and the whole lot–will grant me inspiration and motivation and confidence.

I’m also considering splurging and purchasing a first-class ticket for my flight. Why not? I hate flying–and it’s a long flight–so to ease my worried mind, why not prioritize comfort? We only live once. Right?

Maddie update: She started her intensive MNRI therapy this week and it’s going well. I’ve started the “What To Do About Your Brain-Injured Child” course from The Institutes for Achieving Human Potential to learn how to help Maddie. It’s been really interesting so far and has validated some concerns I’ve had about mainstream medicine for quite some time, concerns that have been emphasized and exacerbated by Maddie’s tragic accident.

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