Robyn Peterman's Blog, page 6

BREAKING UP IS GOOD FOR YOUR ASS!!!

So I’m sitting here pounding out the sequel to HOW HARD CAN IT BE? and it occurred to me my sweatpants had slid below my hipbones. Were these my sweatpants or Steve’s? After a quick tag check, I confirmed they were indeed mine. Hmmm...I eyed my Coke Zero Cherry with animosity and wondered if he had anything to do with this new and improved me.I’ve been so vocal in my dislike of my new boyfriend, Zero, but now I feel I may have been hasty in my loud and obnoxious disapproval. I hate scales and rarely use them, but I dragged the old sucker out to see what it had to say. Sweet Baby Moses in a Basket, since I broke up with my beloved Coke I’d lost nine pounds. WTF? Back in the day (about twenty some odd years ago) when I dated people other than my husband, every breakup I had, I gained weight. Not lost it.I mulled over this result for a while. I’m a smart girl, I suppose it should have occurred to me that if you drink close to a twelve pack of sugared soda a day (unfortunately I’m not joking) and you stop cold turkey, there’s bound to be an upside.Sooo, I have to eat my diatribes. It’s painful...a bit like chewing glass and swallowing it, but I would like to publicly apologize to Coke Zero Cherry. Even though I still love Coke, he wasn’t as good for my ass as you are, Zero. Coke might have been a little kinder to my boobs, but my hubby is more of a butt man anyway.While I’m still getting used to you on an emotional level, the vain side of me is wildly in love with you. So thank you, Zero. I’ll try really hard not to compare your taste to ass anymore. Mind you, I said try...I don’t think I’ll tear up in the grocery store anymore when I pass by the sexy red twelve packs of Coke. I’m far too happy with my new and improved rear end!!Back to work with my new boyfriend and better butt. I’m going have to find something new to bitch about...hmmmmm. People who eat with their mouth open, people who text while their driving, people who say, “Bless your heart,” and then insult the living bejesus out of you...the list goes on and on and on.

BEING WARPED IS WONDERFUL.............

 BLOWN AWAY BY THE WONDERFULLY WARPED MINDS OF MY FRIENDS!!!!Last night I had writers block. I needed a fictional Christian network that could easily be confused with a real network...I was stuck. So I reached out via my author Facebook page for suggestions and I hit the JACKPOT.  I offered my left boob as the prize (it’s the bigger one) Just kidding, the right one is bigger. Actually neither one is that big so I offered to name a character after the winner.I was blown away and humbled that so many of my friends had such creative and dirty minds. It made me feel proud and less embarrassed about my own issues. With so many mind boggling suggestions, I had to sleep on it. It was heartwarming and alarming to realize how well everyone knew what I would like. I feel great love toward my creatively disturbed friends. Honorable mentions go to; Karen, Andrea, Judi, Niecey, Tracy, Holly, Roseanne, Elizabeth, Katie, Jennifer, Martin, Sean, Charlie, and Julia. A special mention to Robin F, they came fast and furious!!!AND THE WINNER IS........Brooks. He came up with TIT Totally Inspirational Television. It’s just wrong on so many levels that I had to go with it! Congrats and thank you, Brooks. There is now a character named Brooks Spewter (not Brooks’ real last name) He is the recently disgraced CEO of the TIT network. He was caught on film with hookers at a Jesus convention and is in the market for some good press.I would like to thank everyone who participated in the bizarre and random little contest. I needed a good laugh and I got it!! Thankfully, I now know where to turn when I have writers block. Thank you....I think.

THANKING MY PEEPS

MY WEBSITE IS ALIIIIIIVE!!!Never in my wildest dreams will I have the skill set that my buddy Kris Calvert has. She did an awesome website for me and I would like to figuratively kiss her ass! It would be weird and uncomfortable if I actually tried to do it for real. I’m a fairly private gal, so doing this social media thing was a ginormous step for me. The only reason I did was because I’m proud of what I write and I want people other than my mother and really good friends to read it!Not only do I have a website, but I’m hooking on Facebook and Twitter too. Two of my characters from #HOW HARD CAN IT BE? have escaped from my brain and are tweeting. For some profane and bizarre entertainment you should follow them... #Rena Gunderschlict and #Shoshanna LeHump. You can follow them straight from the website...or not. I caught my husband trying to post on my blog. I busted him and he cleared out fast. I have a bad feeling this will be an ongoing problem. If he succeeds, I will set all of our TV’s to the Lifetime Network and hide the remotes. This will be especially painful for him on game days.Writing may be a solitary sport, but all the rest of it is not! Soooo, thank you #Kris Calvert, for the website and thank you #Candace Sword for having the patience to photograph me and thank you to #Michelle Rowen for my awesome cover quote and thank you to all my writer gals for help, support, friendship and passing me on to new people! As soon as I figure out what in the hell I’m doing I will return the favor!!!!! Seriously! And last, but not least, thank to all of you who are following my discombobulated rants!!!

Social Media For Idiots....

Social media scares the poop out of me. Because I have a book coming out, I have treaded into the deep and murky waters of Facebook, Twitter and Blogging. I’ve never blogged before, I’m really not that interesting. No one cares what I ate for lunch (a turkey sandwich) or what I’m going to do later (sit in front of my computer and type till I go blind).Thank you Jesus for my friends Kris and Jennifer. I now can cut and paste...and, um...well I can cut and paste. I have written Facebook posts that have ended up in cyber-space somewhere, because they certainly didn’t go where I meant them to go.My children think I’m challenged and my husband likened my computer prowess to teaching a ninety year old woman how to play Nintendo. (I plan on having his boxer briefs starched)I am learning and getting better. I used to laugh about my lack of skill. Now? Not so much. I plan to continue to send posts out into cybersphere, praying to God, Buddha and all the NFL quarterbacks that they land in the correct place. I intend to blog about underpants and Chia pets and my book till I’m all pimped out. I promise to not talk about what I’m making for dinner (unless it’s disastrous) and I won’t talk about myself in third person. Ever.I love to write. I love to make up funny, sexy, snarky romances. I walk around for months with people trapped inside my head and my only relief is to put them on paper. There have been some red-neck vampires living in there for a while, but first I have to finish the sequel to HOW HARD CAN IT BE? Life is pretty damn good. I enjoy sitting in front of the computer in my husbands boxer briefs (not the starched ones) and writing. It’s an awesome job and I’m so happy to have it!

Breakin' up is hard to do

Is there ever really a good time to give up an addiction? Um...let me think...no. The answer is no. My addiction was Coke (the soda, not the drug). Beautiful, full sugared Coke in the sexy red can. We were so very close, too close according to the results of my blood sugar test. Sooooo, we parted ways. I’ve seen my former lover in the grocery store, the convenient store, in the vending machine where I work, and at every freakin’ fast food joint in my area. It makes my period of mourning slightly difficult.I have found a new paramour, but I don’t love him as much as I did Coke. Of course, he’s related to Coke...his name is Coke Zero Cherry. Dating your former love’s cousin or brother or ugly step sibling can be rough. It can (and does) leave a bad taste in your mouth. I am told, in time, I will  love my new friend as much as I loved the other one...In time, I will think my old fling was syrupy and too sweet and just downright disgusting.I don’t believe it. I know I will mourn the loss of Coke for eternity. We are star crossed lovers...not meant to be together in the end.How in the hell does this relate to writing or my book? It doesn’t. I’ve never blogged before and I’ve already pimped myself blind on Facebook, so I thought I’d write about dating carbonated beverages. I do write romances, but all of mine have happy endings...not this one. I will miss you, Coke. I know in time you will forget me, but we had a good run while it lasted....