Robyn Peterman's Blog, page 5

LAXATIVES, AMERICAN IDOL AND WRONG NUMBERS PART 2...(I called Didi)

LAXATIVES, AMERICAN IDOL AND WRONG NUMBERS......(I called Didi)
*********Heads up! This was on my Facebook page, but there’s more! I bent to the pressure and called Didi. She was alive.........

Tonight on my home phone, which is unlisted, I got a message. It was clearly a wrong number, but it was so fascinating I listened to it five times. A gal named (I’ll call her Didi) let me know that she wasn’t coming to work tomorrow. And she let me know with attitude. Bad attitude. She said she ate too much over the weekend, had taken some laxatives to solve the problem and had been on the toilet for six hours straight. (OMG)Apparently (This part was a little difficult to understand, which is why I replayed it five times.) she was wanting to lose weight to try out for that singing show (American Idol? The Voice? America’s Got Talent? Sadly, she didn’t say which one.) and she was really f#$king pissed at herself for eating so much over the weekend. She didn’t think she would get much work done sitting on the toilet all day, so she wasn’t coming in. If I had a problem with that, I could call her back........(more attitude)Believe me, I was tempted. I’ve heard a lot of excuses in my forty blahblahblah years, but that was one of the best. I have no idea if she was lying, but she sounded for real. At first I thought it was my friend Sam, he likes to screw with me that way, but it wasn’t him.I had so many questions for Didi. Which show was she trying out for? How many freakin’ laxatives did she take? What in the hell did she do for a living? Should she go to the hospital? Part of me wanted to let her know she didn’t actually call her boss, but I was worried about cutting into her toilet time. Plus her attitude was a little scary.I suppose to pay tribute to Didi (not her real name) for making me laugh, I will use her in a story. Although, sitting on the toilet for six hours after taking a wad of laxatives due to overeating is not very romance worthy......Whatever, I’ll work it in somehow. The lesson here is inspiration comes from the oddest places and laxatives are not the answer. Ever.
*******Update: After lots of pressure from friends on my Facebook page, I called Didi to let her know she called the wrong number last night. It went something like this.....

(me) Hi, um...Didi?(Didi) Yeah, who is this? (back ground chatter) Hang on. Would you people shut up? I’m on the damn phone. Yeah, who is this?(me) It’s Joan Smith. (first name that popped into my head) You, um called me last night to ahhh, let me know about your bathroom problem and um...(Didi) Wait a minute, did Jarinda put you up to this shit?(me) No, actually you called the wrong number last night and I felt bad and um...was worried you got in trouble with you boss and I was kinda curious about a couple of things... (Didi) (Huge burst of laughter) Are you f$%kin’ kidding me? I thought that ass was just tryin’ to get me fired. He said he didn’t get any message. Are you sure this isn’t Jarinda?(me) Yep, I’m sure. God, did you get fired? ( I started sweating. I felt nauseous and guilty.)(Didi) No, but it’d be awfully helpful if you would call Tony and let him know that I called in. I mean, that sum-bitch has it out for me. Let me give you the number. (lots of shuffling and shouting) Here it’s 555-555-5555. Call him now, he’s probably eatin’ dinner.(me) Do you think it would help?(Didi) No, but I think it would piss him off and screw up his dinner.(me) Well, if you feel strongly about this I suppose I could ahhh, call.(Didi) Nah, don’t worry about it, Jean.(me) Joan.(Didi) Right.(me) Did do you mind if I ask what show you’re trying out for?(Didi) American Idol. (background chatter and dogs barking) Shut the hell up, can’t you see I’m on the phone?(me) Well I hope you make it.(Didi) You too.(me) Okay well, um, thanks.
So many questions left unanswered...she kind of threw me at the end wishing me luck on my American Idol audition. The lesson here is to make sure you actually talk to someone if you’re not coming to work due to explosive diarrhea. I will definitely look for Didi (not her real name) on American Idol and if I see her I will vote for her. I’m still unsure if the laxative thing was for real, but I have a feeling it was.....Calling Didi wore my ass out. I felt the same way I did when I made prank phone calls in Middle school. So that’s it folks. I called and I didn’t get my ass chewed out. Didi is trying out for American Idol, she’s alive and she didn’t get fired. Have a lovely night and buy my book!

http://www.robynpeterman.com

HAPPY F#$%ING NEW YEAR!!!!

 How Hard Can it Be (On the Prairie?)


Welcome to News Year’s Eve! A time for family, hot cocoa by the warm hearth, and listening to Pa play Auld Lang Syne on his fiddle soft and low for Ma, Mary and me while we knit warm woolen socks, brush each other’s hair and dream of only good things in our little house.

Yeah. Right.

Laura Ingalls Wilder and I have a different take on New Years Eve. While Laura is sipping cocoa, I’m chugging White Trash Yumminess (also known as Mike’s Hard Lemonade!) while lamenting over the shear volume of pecan brittle (courtesy of my mother-in-law) I’ve consumed that added to my ass. Not to mention the fact I didn’t send Christmas cards again this year, which all lands me squarely on the Naughty List.

Yes, New Years’s Eve was a simpler time on the prairie, or maybe we tend to torture ourselves more these days. I would like to point out that even though I write naughty and she wrote nice, Ms. Ingalls Wilder and I do have a few things in common. She writes the great wilderness scene and I write great sex scenes. Because of his seductive name, we will assume Almanzo, her husband, was smokin’ hot – like mine. And anyone who has “wild” as a part of their surname gets points in my book. Laura loved her family so much, she wrote about them. I love my family so much that I will never write about them. Finally, she’s a published author. I am a published author, HELL YEAH!*

That’s right. I am soon to be a published author, HELL YEAH!* and HOW HARD CAN IT BE? comes out January 17, 2013. The book is available for pre-sale right now at Amazon and Barnes and Noble. Those links are provided below. If you’d like to help me crawl up the charts, go to Amazon and “like” my book. Then scroll to the bottom of my book page and tag it. It’s free and it will put my book high on the lists. You can also follow me on Facebook and Twitter if you’d like to see absurdity at its finest. I’m quite certain Laura pimped her book, just like I am, out on the prairie.

In all seriousness, I do love this time of year and amid the craziness that we always seem to create for ourselves, I always witness amazing kindnesses. So I will channel Laura Ingalls Wilder and say, focus on all the wonderful things in your life this season and be thankful. I am thankful for the wonderful family I have. I am thankful for the joy my children give me on Christmas morning. I am thankful for my mother-in-law’s pecan brittle which adds pounds to my ass. And, I am thankful my hot husband is an ass man.

Merry Christmas everyone. Buy my book.

*The New Author handbook states: It is expected and required for new authors to shout, “HELL YEAH!” after saying or writing the words, “published author.”

Check out my website! http://www.robynpeterman.comand Facebookhttp://www.facebook.com/pages/Robyn-Peterman/418985661472374?ref=hland Twitterhttps://twitter.com/robynpeterman










"How Hard Can it Be? is outrageous, profane, hilarious, sexy, and all kinds of wacky.For a good time, read Robyn Peterman!" – MICHELLE ROWEN, national bestselling author"A zany over-the-top rompfest." – LEXI GEORGE, author of Demon Hunting in a Dive Bar
You can pre-order at Amazon or Barnes and Noble!!!
http://www.amazon.com/How-Hard-Can-Be-ebook/dp/B009T9SCRG/ref=la_B00A7D7DPA_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352920534&sr=1-1
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-hard-can-it-be-robyn-peterman/1113633561?ean=9781601830623

THE NEXT BIG THING!!!!

THE NEXT BIG THING BLOG HOP!!!!!!!!!!!I’m hoppin’ on the blog train! Never done it, but not knowing what I’m doing has never scared me in the least! But, I suppose you could be scared....Don’t be! I will not invoke the name of David Hasslehoff more than two or three or six times and I’ll keep my language PG13 because I’m promoting other people here too! David Hasslehoff. This blog is basically a legal pyramid scheme!! Authors are promoting authors. It’s a fantastic way to discover new writers and a great way for me to find new readers, or to alarm people. David Hasslehoff.There are the books everyone has heard about: Twilight, Hunger Games, Fifty Shades of Gray. But what about all those books written by people you’ve never heard of? Some of them are treasures, just waiting to be found, and that’s what this blog hop is all about...the books you might not have heard about, but that you might end up loving. David Hasslehoff.This blog hop is like a game of tag. One author posts and tags five other authors who link back to their website the next week and tag five new authors. If you follow the blog hop long enough, you’re bound to find some books you’ll love! David Hasslehoff. Maybe you’ll even discover a book that ends up being the next big thing.I was tagged by Niecey Roy. You can learn more about her book Fender Bender Blues on her website www.nieceyroy.com. Niecey is a terrific gal and a great writer. Make sure you check her out!!I will be followed by JM Madden, a fabulous writer and dear friend. We are critique partners and I am lucky enough to get to read all her stuff early!! I love her and think you will too. Check her out on her website http://www.jmmadden.com/This blog hop includes ten questions to help you learn more about an author’s current work in progress, so here’s a little info about my current project: 1: What is the working title of your book? HOW HARD CAN IT BE? It comes out January 17th 2013 from Kensington Publishing and is available for pre-order now at Amazon http://www.amazon.com/How-Hard-Can-Be-ebook/dp/B009T9SCRG/ref=la_B00A7D7DPA_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352920534&sr=1-1 and at Barnes and Noblehttp://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/how-hard-can-it-be-robyn-peterman/1113633561?ean=9781601830623 You can find the first chapter on my website and direct links to order there. http://www.robynpeterman.com
2: Where did the idea come from for the book? From the warped recesses of my mind! Actually I started it during NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) last year and then went to Romantic Times Convention and pitched it as a finished book. I lied. Big fat hairy lie... Eight different agencies and publishers asked for a full manuscript so I lied some more. Told them all I had to have it professionally edited (which meant write it) and I did. Three weeks later, after no sleep and an appalling lack of cooked food and clean underpants for my family, I submitted my book. I got several offers and went with Kensington!3: What genre does your book fall under? Humorous Contemporary Romance4: Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition? Funny you should ask. The book has been optioned for a film and I am writing the screenplay. I do have thoughts in my head, but I’m going to keep them inside my head just in case all the planets are aligned and it actually becomes a movie! Anything I write here could come back and bite me in the ass. 5: What is the one-sentence synopsis of your book? The best is a quote from one of my favorite authors, Michelle Rowen: "How Hard Can it Be? is outrageous, profane, hilarious, sexy, and all kinds of wacky. For a good time, read Robyn Peterman!" --Michelle Rowen http://www.michellerowen.com/, national bestselling author6: Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency? My book is being put out by Kensington Publishing on their eline.7: How long did it take you to write the first draft of your manuscript? Welllll, about one month, but I don’t recommend that, unless you’re insane.8: What other books would you compare this story to within your genre? I don’t want to sound like an egotistical douche bag, so I’ll tell you what others have said. Best selling author Monette Michaels http://www.monettemichaels.com/ ( another huge favorite of mine) said this: “Loved this book. Funniest romantic comedy I've read since the first Stephanie Plum book. Janet Evanovich had better watch her six,'cause Robyn's writing is laugh-out-loud, snort-Pepsi-out-your-nose funny. Can't wait for the next book -- I hear the Abominable Snowman is involved.”9: Who or What inspired you to write this book? I love to write and it’s been a long time dream of mine to become a published author. Sooo, I suppose I would have to say I finally got out of my own way and went for it!10: What else about your book might pique the reader’s interest? Here’s the back flap! See if it piques your interest!!!!What happens when an accountant decides to grab life by the horns and try something new? Apparently a pirate named Dave, a lot of pastel fleece, and blackmail—just to start with...
Visualize and succeed, Oprah said. I was sure as hell trying, even if my campaign to score a job as the local weather girl had ended in a restraining order. Okay, TV was not my strength. But a lack of talent has never stopped me before. Which is why I’ve embarked on a writing career. I mean, how hard can it be to come up with a sexy romance?
     Leave it to me to wind up in a group of porno writing grannies who discuss sex toys and apple cobbler in the same breath. Also leave it to me to leak an outlandish plot idea to a bestselling author with the morals of a rabid squirrel. And only I could get arrested for a jewelry heist I didn’t commit—by a hunky cop whose handcuffs just might tempt me to sign up for a life of crime. Maybe I’ve found my calling after all...


Here is the list of authors who will be joining the hop for week 25 on December 12th. I hope you’ll visit their blogs next week and learn more about their books. Maybe one of them will become your new favorite author!1 J M Madden http://www.jmmadden.com/ 2 Teresa Reasor http://www.teresareasor.com/Welcome.html 3 Hallee Bridgeman http://www.bridgemanfamily.com/hallee/ 4 Amy Durham http://amy-durham.blogspot.com/

I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY BOOBIES...I REALLY DIDN'T!

Being tired and posting on Facebook doesn’t always work out well...for example: I am the artistic director of a local theatre company and I often post on our Facebook page. I wrote the play called SMACKDOWN FOR THE CHRISTMAS CROWN, a silly funny and slightly off kilter play about a sister group, the Bobbies: Bobbie Sue, Bobbie Donna, Bobbie BooBoo etc and the Billys: Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Willy etc, who compete for the Christmas Crown. It’s a fun show full of music, dancing and unabashed silliness. It’s for the whole family.My typing is hairy at best and dangerous at worst. A clear and embarrassing reminder of this is the simple fact that tonight on Facebook I urged everyone to come and see the Billys and the BOOBIES this December! That’s right, I invited the public to see the Billys and the Mammaries perform a show. I was politely informed of my faux pas by a lovely patron of our little theatre company and I mea culpa-ed all over Facebook!I considered taking the post down, but it made me laugh so hard, I cried. Plus, it’s a fine reminder that I need to proofread better. ( Not my forte! Just ask my buddy Jennifer M, she’s gasped at some of my bizarre spellings and unintentionally obnoxious mistakes.)Being a writer, you’d think I’d know better...but that’s what great editors are for! Soooo, if anyone can find another gaping mistake, let me know and I will name a character after you in one of my books! This will keep me on my toes and relieve me of having to come up with character names...because I will promise you I will screw up grammatically on a regular basis!Check out my website, I’m sure I f%$&ed that up too!!!! http://www.robynpeterman.com

YOU DID WHAT IN HIGH SCHOOL?????

THANKSGIVING, A TIME TO BARE ALL.......Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. No presents, no baskets, no inappropriate stories and behavior from relatives....wait, I take back the last “no.” I’m always game for a good insult or breakdown.I enjoy eating myself into a coma and yelling at my brothers about politics and football and anything else I know will set them off! (Actually, I adore my brothers, but a good argument is a good argument...) Many important pieces of wisdom have been passed down through the years at my family’s Thanksgiving celebrations.My dad always has something of interest to relay. Like when we were in high school and he informed us, “If you’re going to lie, you better be pretty fucking smart. It’s a lot harder to remember lies than the truth.” Or the drinking and driving tid-bit, “You don’t have to worry about the police, because if I catch you drinking and diving...I own your ass and your drivers license till you move out of this house.” And people wonder where my language came from...The family football game, also known as the Turkey Bowl, has become more dangerous for those of us over 40. Although, that never occurs to anyone till the day after.We also enjoy a game called “Let’s Tell Mom All Sorts of Illegal and Unsavory Things We Did in High School That She Had No Idea About.” Because we’re all 40ish, we feel safe, and her reactions are beyond awesome!But seriously folks, I love Thanksgiving and I am so very grateful that I have a family that I adore and want to be with. They are loud and funny and loving...and they’re mine.I am a very lucky girl.Happy Thanksgiving to all! And it’s not a blog if I don’t pimp my book! HOW HARD CAN IT BE? is available for pre-sale on Amazon and B&N! Check out my website and sign up for the newsletter. The second chapter is coming out soon!!!!http://www.robynpeterman.com

Holy Crap!!!! My first literary review evaahh! It’s amazi...

Holy Crap!!!! My first literary review evaahh! It’s amazing. I’m not related to the gal who reviewed me and I don’t even know her! Therefore, proving to sweet baby Moses in a thong and everyone else (with or without a thong) that I didn’t pay her or bribe her in any way.
I was on my Goodreads sight, updating my release date. (it’s changed from the 13th to the 17th) and I realized I had a review. Review sites and reviewers have access to ARCs. (advanced reader copies) As an actor, I rarely read reviews. I told myself I would be the same about my books...I lied.
I opened the review and held my breath...I read it and then I read it again and then again. (kind of the same thing I did with the EPT stick) If I could find that gal, I’d bend her over and kiss her ass. The review rocked!Because I’m a dork, I will probably copy that review and frame it (actually I already did). Trust me when I say I will receive some harsh reviews. I am a full service offender and if someone is easily offended...well you know.
That being said, what I right is funny and romantic too! I write like I speak and I really do have lots of friends. While my sailor mouth might make my mom cringe (it does), it hasn’t stopped me from having meaningfully profane relationships with many people.
If you’d like to read the review, you can go to my website and hit the Goodreads “g” on my home page. It will take you to the site and you can see what made me want to smooch a butt!Go to http://www.robynpeterman.com/ and share my delirious and out of control joy!!! (in a thong)

ARE YOU F%$#ING KIDDING ME?

ARE YOU F%#$ING KIDDING ME?HOW HARD CAN IT BE? hasn’t come out yet, but there is major interest from LA in making it into a movie!! Of course, I was in the LA show business scene for years and the chance of all the stars being aligned correctly and my book actually becoming a movie are slim....but stranger things have happened!The most exciting part is that they want me to take a pass at the script! One of the things the LA dudes liked was my voice and they fear losing my voice if someone else writes it. Sooo, being of sound body and questionable mind I told them noooo problem. Can I do it? I have no freakin’ clue. Am I going to do it? You bet you sweet ass I am!Although to be fair, I read hundreds of scripts (because of my super hot hubby) and am very familiar with screen writing (didn’t want you to think the LA dudes were on crack) I’m not an unknown risk for them!My entire theory as an author thus far has been “I’ve got nothing to lose.” So far, so good...I lied about having a finished manuscript and ended up with a two book deal. I don’t really recommend that to anyone unless you want to get sick, but it did work for me.I think the hardest part of turning my book into a screenplay will be taking a 350 page novel down to a 100 page script. I feel slightly married to what I wrote and giving up characters and scenes will fell like cutting off body parts...necessary body parts (Not my thighs or my butt, I’d be delighted to get rid of some of that. Although drinking Coke Zero Cherry has made my butt and I best friends again.) I do realize there are far worse problems to have.Soooo, I’m gonna do it! I’m going to write something I’ve never written and see what the hell happens! At least I didn’t lie. Lying is too hard. It’s far easier to remember the truth. So along with keeping you updated on the two books coming out, I'll regale you with horror stories of my new script writing venture! Thanks for sticking around and check out my website http://www.robynpeterman.com   Don’t forget HOE HARD CAN IT BE? comes out 1-13-13!!! For the first chapter, go to my website! And if you want more sign up for my news letter! I’ll be posting the second chapter at the end of November.

HAVING BABIES AT A QUESTIONABLE AGE....

At my age I thought I was done blowing babies out, but alas...no. Writing a book is very similar to having a baby. You flirt with an idea (hit on guy), decide it’s a good idea (suss out that he’s not married or a total loser), write the first draft (date for a while), love the first draft (do the nasty), realize that you’re going to make the book happen (oh shit, the test stick is pink), write and rewrite and rewrite (morning sickness...eating everything in the house...threaten to kill your guy because he brought home a pizza without mushrooms on it), and then you finish the book (blow out a seventeen pound baby with teeth and hair).The pain and joy and angst and weight gain (in my case, weight loss due to my giving up my beloved Coke...the drink, not the drug), was all worth it. I’m slightly blind and my fingers are stumps, but I figure a week or two break will suffice. You might feel a bit sad (postpartum depression), but you feel like you’ve climbed a mountain! You hope your baby will make friends (fans) and be very popular (sell like mofo). And then it’s back to the bar to troll for another guy (idea for next book). Of course, I don’t troll...being happily married kind of puts the kabosh on that, but I’m speaking metaphorically.Now, because I’m a hooker, I’d like to guide you to my website http://www.robynpeterman.com You can read the first chapter of my first baby HOW HARD CAN IT BE? coming out January 13, 2013 and see a blurb on the baby I just blew out, tentatively titled SHE LIKES THEM BIG AND HAIRY!If you want more of HOW HARD CAN IT BE?, sign up for my newsletter (the envelope icon on the Home and Contact page) I’ll be putting out the second chapter this month!

WHAT IN THE HELL WAS I THINKING?????

What in the hell made me think I could write a book? As I sit here staring at my keyboard, after having called it every name in the book, (assmonkey, assclown, ballsmacker, swampass, and the list goes on. Most of it unprintable...) I wonder if I can bring it home...the story, that is. I am the same way with every book I write. As a matter of fact, I was the same way with myself when I was an actress. Soooo, the problem is me...hmmmm.My mom will tell you I’m brilliant at everything I do, but that’s her job. Thank you Jesus. Whenever I feel down I can call her and she’ll remind me of all of my accomplishments. Amazingly, her list seems to grow and expand in ways that are mind boggling. I can’t even recall  doing some of the astounding things I’ve done, but she swears they’re true. I have decided to take her word for it. I suppose if I didn’t care about what I was doing and I didn’t love the bizarre people I’ve created so much, the process might not be so f%$#ing difficult. Occasionally I think I’m crazy because I’ll refer to one of them as if they were a living, breathing person, not a figment of my imagination. Thankfully my hubby is of the creative persuasion and acts as if my insanity is quite normal. Again Thank you Jesus, Buddha, Zeus and Brett Favre. I am a lucky gal.Finishing a book is similar to the final stages of giving birth. Of course I had two c-sections, so that’s probably not the best analogy to use. But alas, it doesn’t end there. You now wait for the doctor (editor) to smack your baby on the butt to see if he cries (doesn’t suck). If all goes well after about six months (years if we were talking human time) you send your baby out into the world to see if he can make friends (fans). If all the stars are aligned correctly, your baby will become popular (sell like a mofo) and everyone will insist that you have more children.And then you get back into that vicious, wonderful and addictive circle...wondering what in the hell made you think you could write a book...

THEY REALLY LIKE ME!!!!!!

I am a lucky, lucky girl. Two authors that I luuuurve have given me cover quotes for my first novel HOW HARD CAN IT BE? Coming out January 13, 2013 from Kensington Publishing. I love being a writer and I have never been in a business with more generous and talented women! It blows my mind that two best selling authors would take the time to read my book and give me such amazing blurbs. I am humbled, shocked and want to pee in my pants. Both Michelle Rowen http:www.michellerowen.com and Lexi George http://www.lexigeorge.com are delightful women and terrific writers. I am a big fan-girl of both of them. I would like to suggest that anyone who loves great, funny, sexy paranormal romance should run, not walk, to buy these gals books. Michelle Rowen also writes as Morgan Rhodes and puts out wonderful Young Adult books. This entire process is brand spankin’ new to me and my excitement level about becoming a published author is absurd. If I weren’t so freaked out about getting the sequel finished before it’s deadline, I’d probably be basking in the fact that two of writing my hero’s like the warped stuff that comes out of my brain. I would also like everyone that’s been following my Coke (the soda, not the drug) rants, to know that I am developing a tepid attraction to Coke Zero Cherry. I’m sure the fact that my ass looks better has something to do with it...Anyhoo, if you’d like to read the first chapter of HOW HARD CAN IT BE? check out my website http://www.robynpeterman.com and while you’re there sign up for my newsletter. I swear on David Hasselhoff that I won’t barrage you daily with frightening stuff. I’ll only scare the hell out of you about once a month with excerpts from upcoming books and where I will be promoting. Thanks to all who are following. This is a brand new game to me and it’s actually kind of fun...who knew?





" How Hard Can it Be? is outrageous, profane, hilarious, sexy, and all kinds of wacky.For a good time, read Robyn Peterman!" – MICHELLE ROWEN, national bestselling author
"A zany over-the-top rompfest." – LEXI GEORGE, author of Demon Hunting in a Dive Bar