Alexandra Wolfe's Blog, page 30
November 14, 2017
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Obituary, by Alexandra Wolfe
BILLY RAY MELNIK (aged 13) of Pensacola, Florida, died today, March 6th, when his DNA register his final act of stupidity and terminated his existence under the Statute of Evolution regulations, section 7(a) para 1(b). Which states that, no entity can forthwith continue its existence if deemed to be in violation of watering down the Gene-Pool.
Termination occurred on the corner of 12th and Main, as, spray-cans in hand, Melnik engaged in the vandalous act of graffiti.
A bio-hazard clean-up crew for the city managed to collect enough of the gelatinous remains to fill a funerary pot. An interment service will be held Monday at the Pensacola City cemetery.
– END –
June 28, 2017
All Stapled UP!
Dear Valued Customer,
I am sorry to hear of your recent troubles with your order. Please understand we do our very best to provide you with a service second to none, allowing you to buy items online that are, otherwise, not available in our brick and mortar stores. As that would be far too convenient.
We would far rather you order everything through our interactive website. Yes, I know, we have been experiencing some problems recently, but our tech analysts advises us that the problem with double billing customers has now been resolved and just as soon as our Accounts section has received the correct paperwork, from you, in triplicate, we will endeavour to reimburse your credit card with the appropriate amount. Please take the time to visit our interactive website and fill out a form 411-B parts 1 through 7 online. Thank you.
Meanwhile, your order was dispatched not as promised from the local depot in your area, but one in the Yukon, as they had another order to deliver to your local area. Strangely enough, to the very same address [what a coincidence]. And while it is true our system didn’t register this and notify you that you would not receive your order on the Tuesday you were in receipt of our automated email, your items—according to our antiquated, late 90s tracking system—are now routing via the Yukon on express delivery via UPS—United Planetary Services—and, we are told, should arrive with you before the end of the calendar year.
Please allow 3-5 business days for confirmation that delivery will occur within the stated period. We apologize for any inconvenience, but once items are dispatched via UPS from our depot, we are unable to offer tracking and or support for your order. We understand that UPS has a habit of arriving at inconvenient times when you are out of the household or at work all day, and prone to leaving threatening looking documents demanding you pick up your items from an inconvenient locale 30 miles from your home. But we are not responsible for delivering your order, or what happens to it in transit.
If you are still experiencing problems, or have not received your items within three calendar months, please advise us by going online to our interactive website and filling out form FUBAR-7-11 parts 1 through 14 and returning it to us with your original receipt of purchase, proof of identity, and full credit card details, including your PIN.
Thank you. Your continued business, as a valued customers, is very important to Stapled & Co. And we do hope you will shop with us again, soon.
Sincerely,
Rob E. Baron
Regional Manager
May 26, 2017
April 5, 2017
Putting Putin into Poutine
[image error]Poutine is a Canadian dish, originating in the province of Québec, made with French fries and cheese curds topped with a light brown gravy.
[image error]Putin, on the other hand, like a sour Russian dressing, is most definitely inedible, bitter, and as likely to choke you as not.
April 4, 2017
Party like it’s 1984
So we all heard about sales of George Orwell‘s novel 1984 going through the roof (so to speak) after Trump moved into the White House, well now it seems the film will be screened to audiences, worldwide, in anti-Trump protests! Not only that, cinemas will donate part of the profits to civil rights groups.
I can hear Annie Lennox singing in my head …
March 24, 2017
The Truth, According to Trump
This article over on Jezebel’s The Slot, covering Time Magazine’s interview recently with Dumb Donald, really puts into perspective just how much of what comes out of his mouth is verifiable as the truth, and what can be considered outright lies, Alternative Facts.
March 21, 2017
Trepanning Trump
Dumb Donald, in an attempt to quieten the voices in his head and removed the Obama listening device, tries his hand at trepanning … Melania—when questioned about Dumb Donald’s new pastime—is quoted as saying: “I want my drill back, clean, when he’s finished!”
March 18, 2017
Nuclear Baseball
Apparently someone thought it was a really, and I mean, really good idea to hold the upcoming 2020 Baseball & Softball Olympics in, of all places, a nuclear hot-zone: Fukushima, Japan.
Because, why wouldn’t you? It’s a wonderful place to irradiate visitors from around the world, and showcase your country.
March 17, 2017
I Spy …
Dumb Donald continues to claim that all media is FAKE media and yet, continues to cite said media when telling us, straight-faced, that President Obama wiretapped him during the 2016 election campaign.
Despite evidence to the contrary, he and his goons continue to believe that an utter absence of evidence is still evidence because Dumb Donald read online that someone was wire tapping someone, somewhere in the world, so it must all be about HIM.
Because, after all, isn’t everything about HIM?
“Utterly ridiculous” – the UK intelligence service GCHQ responds to claims it wiretapped Donald Trump
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