Alexandra Wolfe's Blog, page 26

Obituary

BILLY RAY MELNIK (aged 13) of Pensacola, Florida, died today, March 6th, when his DNA register his final act of stupidity and terminated his existence under the Statute of Evolution regulations, section 7(a) para 1(b). Which states that, no entity can forthwith continue its existence if deemed to be in violation of watering down the Gene-Pool.

Termination occurred on the corner of 12th and Main, as, spray-cans in hand, Melnik engaged in the vandalous act of graffiti.

A bio-hazard clean-up crew for the city managed to collect enough of the gelatinous remains to fill a funerary pot. An interment service will be held Monday at the Pensacola City cemetery.

– END –

Winter Wonderland

Two days of heavy, blowing snow, and 20+ cm later, the sun came out this morning and it’s a winter wonderland outside! Snowman anyone?

That snowbank, by the way, is about 15 feet deep!

I have my “Courage”

… what about you?

Eh, okay, a little cryptic, and what follows has absolutely nothing to do with books, reading, or even authors. But the fact that I live in Québec City, and Céline Dion’s world tour, COURAGE, is stopping here for two tour dates and … drum roll please, WE SCORED TICKETS!

We had to book online, but did so yesterday, via TicketMaster, and, as American Express card holders, got the chance to book before the general public, along with all of Céline’s fan club.

It was tense when we logged on at 10 am exactly, along with … 10K plus other buyers. I thought we wouldn’t get a ticket with that many ahead of us. But, lo and behold, the ticketmaster gods were with us, and the number crashed really quickly as those ahead of us dwindled and then?

WE SCORED TICKETS. Albeit up maybe in the nose-bleeds. The RR section. But, and here’s the kicker, with a direct line of sight down the centre to the stage. A head-on coveted view, IMHO!

Oh, and the concert isn’t till September, so don’t hold your breathe waiting for photos.

Have You Been Stapled?

Dear Valued Customer,

I am sorry to hear of your recent troubles with your order. Please understand we do our very best to provide you with a service second to none, allowing you to buy items online that are, otherwise, not available in our brick and mortar stores. As that would be far too convenient.

We would far rather you order everything through our interactive website. Yes, I know, we have been experiencing some problems recently, but our tech analysts advises us that the problem with double billing customers has now been resolved and just as soon as our Accounts section has received the correct paperwork, from you, in triplicate, we will endeavour to reimburse your credit card with the appropriate amount. Please take the time to visit our interactive website and fill out a form 411-B parts 1 through 7 online. Thank you.

Meanwhile, your order was dispatched not as promised from the local depot in your area, but one in the Yukon, as they had another order to deliver to your local area. Strangely enough, to the very same address (what a coincidence). And while it is true our system didn’t register this and notify you that you would not receive your order on the Tuesday you were in receipt of our automated email, your items—according to our antiquated, late 90s tracking system—are now routing via the Yukon on express delivery via UPS and, we are told, should arrive with you before the end of the calendar year.

Please allow 3-5 business days for confirmation that delivery will occur within the stated period. We apologize for any inconvenience, but once items are dispatched via UPS from our depot, we are unable to offer tracking and or support for your order. We understand that UPS has a habit of arriving at inconvenient times when you are out of the household or at work all day, and prone to leaving threatening looking documents demanding you pick up your items from an inconvenient locale 30 miles from your home. But we are not responsible for delivering your order, or what happens to it in transit.

If you are still experiencing problems, or have not received your items within three calendar months, please advise us by going online to our interactive website and filling out form FUBAR-7-11 parts 1 through 14 and returning it to us with your original receipt of purchase, proof of identity, and full credit card details, including your PIN.

Thank you. Your continued business, as a valued customers, is very important to Stapled & Co. And we do hope you will shop with us again, soon.

Sincerely,

Rob E. Baron

Regional Manager

La boîte à beignes : A box of donuts

Gourmet donuts from Beiko are coming to Québec City, on the chemin Ste-Foy, and bringing with them every sweet, delicious delight you could ever dream of, and then some.

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This is like Krispy Kreme but on steroids. I mean, come on, what wouldn’t you do to get a bite out of Choco-Carmel-Bretzel, Maple & Pecan, or Lemon Meringue Pie donut. And then there are the amazing looking Frappes topped with miniature donuts and whipped cream—Yum!

Check these out, and salivate:

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Details:

Beiko La boîte à beignes

2778 chemin Ste-Foy #100

Lundi: FERMÉ | CLOSED

Mardi au Vendredi: 09h30- 21h00

Samedi & Dimanche: 10h00 – 21h00

Queen Céline

Because, seriously, who doesn’t love a little Céline Dion in their lives to make a difference?

You’re welcome!

Being Certified Cool

I swear I need to go back to night school to take a certificate in Fridge Operating procedures as, even after 40 years, I still have problems. Despite having a temperature gauge inside the fridge, I never know if the interior is cold enough or not. As by the time I manage to wrangle the damn thing from its hiding place—middle shelf, back—the marker has moved from the green safe zone, into the red danger zone.

Do I have hot hands? Am I doing something wrong?

The consequence is, I turn the fiddly little dial from cold to colder. Which, of course, isn’t necessarily the right thing to do—just the knee-jerk reaction to seeing the gauge in the red. And while it seems like a good idea at the time, later, when I take out the steak that’s been sat the top shelf in the fridge, to cook for dinner. I realise it’s still frozen. And I can tell you for a fact, no among of staring at it, angrily or otherwise, will defrost it.

Which then results in my taking out the temperature gauge, again, to check how cold the fridge is at this stage, only to see the gauge has moved to the other end, closer to that zone called ‘permafrost‘.

My vegetables and fruit are about to become frozen still life, while the tea in the jug at the back, on the middle shelf, is creating its own ice crystals.

Tell me, what’s a girl to do to figure this fridge lark out? Because, clearly, I’m missing a key and essential life skill here. Secret knowledge passed down from parent to child at some point, that I was away for.

This is definitely one of life’s great mysteries.

By Candle Lit

Can someone please explain to me what happened to lightbulbs. When did we go from having cheap incandescent bulbs that fuelled our winter-nights with light to read by, to mercury-filled, evil planet-polluting $6 spotlights which, while they are supposed to last several times longer, don’t?

I ask because yet another bulb plinked out of existence in the bathroom, and plunged me into semi-darkness as I … eh, well, you don’t need to know what I was doing.

That’s the third bulb this month, which seems a little excessive to me for supposedly super bulbs. Seriously, this is getting out of hand. I might have to take out a Bank Draft just to keep up with the exorbitant cost of buying the damn things.

I think I need to write a letter of disgruntled complaint to our Prime Minister.

Dear Mister Trudeau … no, wait, he’s the PM, I have to get the opening salutation right. Dear Expletive …

Okay, forget the disgruntled letter.

Even if I could find a shop selling good old fashioned lightbulbs that have long since been discontinued. I have nowhere and no way in which to use them, given I live in a rental apartment—It’s spotlight madness in here—every room is fitted out as if I’m living in a Car Dealership showroom. I think they can see me from the Space Station at night!

What’s a person to do?

Please, send candles … lots of candles! Yeah, candles, that’ll work … won’t it?

News Flash

My Doctor’s office called to tell me I’m not dead. Which, I suppose is today’s good news. The bad? My diabetes number has gone from 6.9 to 7.9 since last year. Well, no surprises there given six months of incarceration due to winter.

But really, what do these numbers mean. I’m told that healthy people fall on the average, which should be around 5 – 5.5. But is 7.9 high, dangerously high? Or just, dang girl you need to lose 10 pounds and stop with the sugar high?

It’s a little frustrating because this happens every year at this time. I go to the doctor’s office, have my yearly check up, go give blood to the vampire nurse and, surprise, you’ve jump a point … again. And then? I spend all summer walking everywhere, and I mean, everywhere I can. And fighting the urge to eat cake/ice cream/chocolate or anything else that might have sugar/hidden sugar and or carbs in.

So, here we go again. Time to lose that excess 10 pounds and find some new places to go take a walk. At least I’m alive—thanks Doc, that’s helpful. No, really!

Sh*t Happens

Today I stuck a stick up my arse in the name of science.

At least, that’s what the nurse told me it was for. I also gave blood, well, gave implies it was voluntary, that part might be a lie. She took blood, and is very good at doing it too. No prick. No pain. No bruising. It was then she suckered me, while I was still woozy from terror, you know, needles and everything.

“Here,” she said, showing me a three inch flat tube. She popped the top, it came away with a thin sliver of stick. She then mimed what I was to do with the stick because, sincerely, there are no words. Not in French, not in English, that are age appropriate and don’t include the word: ‘Merde!’

It’s like a ward against evil. Use the stick. And your life could be saved. I like to be saved. I like the idea a lot. So I used the stick. But me and stick will never be friends. I don’t think anyone in their right mind would be friends with said stick. But in the interests of science? Stick is our friend.

No one wants the alternative if stick fails. Stick is tiny. Cameras are not. Who thought colonoscopies were a good idea, while the patient is awake?

So, how’s your day been?