April Aasheim's Blog, page 15

If Jesus Had a Facebook Page

Status Update
God, I hate Mondays!

Status Update
Considering growing a beard. What do you think?

Jesus is now following:
The Bethlehem Wine CompanyGalilee Sandals and RobesDonkeys and Things
Status Update:
Going on a team building retreat with The Big Guy. 40 days of training. See you guys in a month!

Jesus is now at: The Judean Desert

Jesus liked this:
Water

Status Update:
I'm back from a life-changing experience. I learned a few tricks, grew a beard, and lost 72 pounds. Can now fit in my 'good' robe.
BTW Satan is a real asshole. Just sayin'.

Jesus posted a new photo to his timeline:
Beard!!!











Friend Requests Sent:
Simon/Peter
James the Son of Zebedee
John of Nazareth
John the Baptist

People You May Know:
Herod















Status Update:
Shout out to John the Baptist! Thanks for friending me man. My mother, Mary wife of Joseph, thought we'd hit it off. I'm going to be out in the wilderness in a few days. I'll look you up.

People You May Know:
Matthew, the Tax Collector
Mary Magdalene

Friend Request Sent:
Mary Magdalene

Message:
Sup Mary?

Jesus liked this:
Fish

Friend Requests Sent:
Simon the Zealot
Judas Iscariot

Status Update:
Having dinner with Simon/Peter. The fish is delicious!












Jesus is now in a relationship with: Mary Magdalene

God Poked You!

Jesus' relationship status has changed to: It's Complicated.

Status Update:
My page has nearly 2000 likes. When I hit 5000 I'm hosting a raffle-copter Eternal Salvation Giveaway. Please like and keep sharing. (*All entrants are winners. Some rules apply)












Jesus has updated his profile:
Born: MangerSkills: Inventor of the bottomless bread basketSkills: Turning water into wineSkills: Growing the world's most awesome beard
Status Update:
In one word describe how we met, then copy and paste this into your own update and I will do the same. One word. No cheating.
Comments:
-Fishing
-Fishing
-Money-changing
-Tax-collecting
-Dudes! WTH? One word!
-taxcollecting (LOL)
-you guys suck

Judas has tagged you in a photo.

Message Sent:
Hey Judas. Posting that pic of us from a decade ago was not cool. You know I'm self-conscious about my weight back then. Crop me out of the next one.

Jesus posted on John the Baptist's Timeline.
Had fun meeting you IRL. Let's do it again real soon.

Jesus shared a link:
The Mediterranean Diet

Judas has tagged you in a photo.
Me and my buddy JC at the Dead Sea during Spring Break. Good times!









Message Sent:
Not funny, Judas! That last one wasn't even of me. Cut it out!

Status Update:
It is National Leprosy Awareness Week. If you or someone you know has leprosy please post this as your status for one hour. Unless you have no fingers. Then see if someone else will post for you.

Jesus has updated his profile:
Went to school in: Nazareth Worked at: Joseph's Bench EmporiumSon of: God
Suggested Post:
A Course in Miracles

Status Update:
It was a good day. I walked twelve miles (got in all my steps for the day), gave a man sight, and raised the dead. Trying hard not to regain my pre-desert weight. It's hard with all the fish!

Jesus shared a video:
What if God was One of Us

Notification:
Judas has invited you to play Candy Crush.









Status Update:
Got a job interview tomorrow at Bethlehem Wine Company. Wish me luck!

People You May Know:
Pontius Pilate










Status Update:
Bummed! Did not get the job. They said I was over-qualified. What does that even mean? Thinking I'm going to take a nap and think about life for a while.

Suggested Post:
Author God
Read my thrilling new book: The Old Testament. Based on the life and times of ME!
At select scroll stores throughout the Eastern Mediterranean.

Jesus uploaded a photo:
Me as a baby. Wasn't I cute?










Status Update:
Traffic was terrible today. Had to take the donkey. Hope tomorrow's better. Goodnight world.

Judas tagged you in a photo
My man JC working miracles with the ladies!










Mary Magdalene has poked you!
God poked you!

Message Sent:
Mary! That guy in the picture doesn't even look like me. C'mon!

Jesus has changed his relationship status to: single.

Are you sure you want to unfriend Judas Iscariot?
Yes

Facebook Account Deactivated

Facebook Account Reactivated

Status Update:
Surprise!
   (April Aasheim is the author of The Witches of Dark Root and The Universe is a Very Big Place)

Chin Up!

Nothing screams peri-menopausal married woman like a shopping cart full of root dye, cat food, and a Ladies Home Journal.

I was reminded of how old I had become when I unloaded my cart, and the smiling young cashier made small talk with me. At first I thought he was flirting, and I flipped back my hair and shot him a dimple, but as he scanned the last can of Friskies and said, "my mom buys this for our cat too," I realized I had become my mother. And his.

I'm not sure when I started 'acting old'. It might have been on my last birthday (and for those of you who follow my blog you know how I feel about birthdays! http://aprilaasheim.blogspot.com/2012/02/five-stagesof-aging-grief-as-another.html)

 I was actually feeling pretty good about myself shortly before that fateful day. I was working out, eating better, and had a pretty active social life. On the day of I decided to treat myself to a microdermabrasion as the last aesthetician I had seen assured me that I didn't need any kind of fillers for my smile lines, just a good scrubbing (God I miss Andre!). But now, as the lady ran the micro-crystal over my skin I asked her what she thought.

From my vantage point, lying on the table, I could see her Botoxed brow attempt to wrinkle. "I think it's gonna take more than a micro. Let me send you to Lucy after."

Lucy ended up being a 27-year-old, thigh-high-boot wearing gal who swore she could make me look ten years younger.

"With a filler?" I asked, chagrined. I was hoping I could wait on those another few years.

"No. You see, the lines are caused by your chin, which is starting to fall. Haven't you noticed that?"

No! I hadn't noticed it. Lucy said for a mere 2000 dollars I could get three full laser treatment that would zap my chin back in place. "It will feel like the worst sunburn of your life but it's totally worth it. Do it while you're still young. My mom did it and she looks great."

There were so many things wrong with that paragraph, but I slunk home, taking the cost analysis worksheet back to my husband who informed me that Lucy was a salesperson and that was her way of making money. And no, we weren't going to shell out 2k for me to get a new chin.

Still. The seed had been planted. I spent the next two months catching my reflection in the mirror, looking for turkey neck. I read magazines, looking for celebrities who were my age and older, checking to see if their jowls had set in. And I looked to peers around me, seeing who had avoided the face plague and who was still fairing well. It was a war, I realized. And according to Lucy, I was losing.

Since then I think I fell into old woman mode, dressing comfortably, making soups, subscribing to Oprah. Who knew that one comment, out of the blue, would change my perspective so dramatically? I went from feeling like a curvy cutie to a has-been jowl frau, with no ramp up time.

A few months have passed and I've come to grips with things. Lucy said my chin was 'falling' but it hadn't fallen yet. And even if it had, was that horrible? I was still me, no matter what my neck said. I had even started believing that cute guys could find me attractive again, if I lived in an alternate single Universe.

"What are you going to do today?" The cute cashier asked, bagging up my last can of Friskies.

"I'm going roller blading," I said, smiling.

"No way! I love roller blading."

"So do I," I said, and I meant it.

And that afternoon, after feeding my cat, leafing through my Ladies Home Journal, and covering up the gray hairs that had sprouted around my ears, I strapped on the skates and did some circuits around the neighborhood.

There were a million Lucy's out there, telling me that my only salvation lay in their costy and sometimes painful treatments.

But my time hasn't passed, nor will it, as long as I continue to live and embrace my life.

Maybe next time I send my husband for the cat food.

For Halloween: My Top Ten Witches in TV and Movies

Recently, I asked a large sampling of my friends to list their favorite TV shows and movies featuring witches. I collected their data (and added mine in too). See if you agree with the following list:

(Note: I realize that many were left out but I could only include ten. I chose the ones that were repeated the most often).The Top Ten Movies and TV Shows Featuring Witches10. H.R.Pufnstuf - If you were a kid in the 1970’s you probably remember watching H.R.Pufinstuff (and if you were an adult in the early 1970’s you probably remember tripping out while watching H.R. Pufnstuf). H.R.Pufnstuf was a live-action puppet show that featured a giant talking cheeseburger with a heart of gold and his arch nemesis, the evil Witchiepoo. A green meanie, Witchiepoo lures innocent Jimmy and his talking flute Freddie to the crazy Living Island in order to get her hands on Jimmy’s instrument (His flute! It’s a family show!). Unfortunately, she is thwarted at every turn. Witchiepoo was the embodiment of the bumbling, broomstick-flying, nasty witches we all learned to fear as children. Although it only ran for 17 episodes it was very popular in its day, freaking out an entire generation of kids.9. Disney’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs - One of Disney’s first, full-length animated classics, this movie features an evil queen who wields dark, magical powers. When the queen learns from her magic mirror that she is in danger of losing her title as ‘the fairest in the land’ she goes to great lengths to ensure that this doesn’t happen. No one who has ever seen this film will forget the image of the evil queen in the guise of an old woman, handing Snow White a red poisoned apple. For this reason it made my list. 8. Sabrina the Teenaged Witch - Originally a comic book in the 60’s and 70’s, Sabrina was resurrected in the mid 90’s as a television series. The plot was simple, Sabrina, a half-witch living with her two witchy aunts, discovers on her 16th birthday that she too has magical powers. Of course, being new to the world of witchcraft, her spells don’t always turn out like she planned. Sabrina made my list because she was fun and fashionable and her heart was always in the right place even when her spells were not. 7. Hocus Pocus - This early 90’s flick didn't do well with critics but gained a big following once it was released on VHS and aired on cable channels. The story chronicles three naughty witches, the Sanderson sisters, who are resurrected from the dead and must use their witchcraft to siphon the life force from children in order to stay alive. The film has a dark theme but thanks to Bette Midler and Sarah Jessica Parker, has many fun and zany moments that lend to its charm. Besides, good eventually prevails in the movie, but it’s very entertaining to see how it plays out.6. Charmed - In the late 90’s and into the mid 2000’s we got to know Piper, Phoebe, Prue (and later Paige) Halliwell, otherwise known as the Charmed Ones . These gals had some awe-inspiring magic and with help from their Book of Shadows, continued to grow in power. What I loved about the show was that it focused on the three sisters trying to maintain a normal life including dating and family dramas while protecting the innocent from things that go bump in the night.
 5. Bell, Book and Candle - No witchy list is complete without this 1958 classic. The film focuses on witchy Gillian who falls in love (of course) with a mortal man and, because of this, is in danger of losing her magical powers. I loved this movie because the chemistry between free-spirited Gillian (Kim Novak) and Shep (James Stewart) is as bubbly and delicious as a fine glass of witches brew. Plus, it’s a classic and one of the first witchy movies my mother introduced me to. You can never go wrong with a classic.4. Practical Magic - So, confession here. This is probably my all-time favorite witchy movie. BUT, not everyone I queried agreed. The plot follows two sisters, Sally and Gillian Owens, who live with their eccentric witchy aunts on Maria’s Island. The family has been cursed and no man can ever love an Owens woman without dying at a young age. The plot sounds tragic, and at times it, but it’s also sweet, and poignant, and hilarious. And very romantic. Don’t wait for Halloween to watch this movie. It’s great any time of the year. 3. The Harry Potter Series - I originally forgot to include Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter films. When I think Harry Potter, I think wizards, but as I’ve been thoroughly reprimanded and reminded by all my Hogwarts loving friends, Hermione Granger is a witch, and a powerful one at that. I don’t have to list all the great things about this series. It’s a fantastic, magical world that you can get lost in for hours. The characters are interesting and well-developed, and they grow up in many ways along their journey. Though Harry is the star of the show our little witch Hermione holds her own with a quick wit and a quick wand. Plus, she’s super cute and someone we want to root for. 2.The Wizard of Oz - We all know the story: small town girl gets tossed by a tornado into the magical world of Oz. There, she meets Glinda the Good Witch and The Wicked Witch of the West. She also inadvertently knocks off the Wicked Witch of the East in the process. The movie is great in so many ways: amazing song and dances sequences, brilliant use of Technicolor, and unforgettable characters. The real charm of the movie, however, lies in it’s simple storyline: the pure heart of one little girl is more powerful than any magic a witch can do. 1. Bewitched - Every person I asked mentioned the 1960’s sitcom, Bewitched. Samantha Stephens is a lovely young witch who loves her dull husband so much that she is willing to give up her magical powers in order to please him. This includes doing her housework like (egads!) a normal woman.(Ladies, it’s not worth it! The only thing cowing to a man ever got poor Samantha was an even duller doppelganger version of her husband who appeared in the sixth season). Of course, Samantha’s nosy neighbor, her disapproving mother, and her practical joke playing uncle add drama and hilarity to the mix. This is one of the most beloved witchy shows ever made and in 2002 was listed in TV Guide’s 50 Greatest TV Shows of All Time. To this day, whenever I catch an old rerun on TV, I have to revisit Samantha and her zany family. It just feels like home.  (Originally written by me and posted in creatively green mom . com)

Giveaway Winners

All 6 winners of my Sept-October giveaway have been sent their books. I do hope you all like them!

I am currently working on the sequel to The Witches of Dark Root and I will keep you updated.

Thanks so much for the support!

April Aasheim

When I'm Gone

I've never seen myself as a poet, but I do consider myself a story-teller.
I wrote this poem five years ago while watching my mother read a bedtime story to my two-year-old niece Freya. I thought about the time when my mother wouldn't be around to do this anymore, and I imagined she might write a letter to her. I've never shared this before a few weeks ago, and I'm giving it to my mother tonight.



A Letter to My Granddaughter on Her 18th Birthday (Freya's Song)

My Darling Dear
My Guinevere
Though I have been absent now
For many years
And perhaps you no longer remember my face
Covered with folds like the pages of a book we once read
Of kings and fairies
And things that might be
When you sat small upon my knee
Before succumbing to your bed

I wanted you to see, my queen
That my stories are not yet through
Though I’ve taken my place
Among the bards of yesterday
I still reach out from time and space
To tell one final tale to you

Your future is a living storyEmpty pages to be written in With ink that cannot be erased
As you start on your adventure
Do not rush towards stories end
Notice lilies in the morning
Count the stars that end the day
Real heroes are not forged in glory
But in quiet journeys along the way

The greatest deeds a champion does
Are those we do not write about

Real moments that make up our lives
Are more important in the end
Than all the dragons we have slain
Or fleeting glimpse of unicorn
These cannot match the sun at morn
Or the smile of a friend

Dream big
Act small
In kindness
And my queen
Do not forget
Each life is a chapter
In a far greater story
Written across the universe
It is the small words that weave
Our stories together
Be thoughtful with pen
When contributing
Your verse

The Reality Show Reality

I'm not a huge watcher of reality shows, but I enjoy them in moderation. I usually pick one show a season as my guilty pleasure. Pretty Wicked Moms was my poison of choice last season and I'm really looking forward to Big Rich Texas returning in November.

That said, I have no idea why I watch them. It's like going to an all you can eat shrimp buffet. It seems like a good idea when you enter the joint, but by the time you are done with it all you can think about is throwing up.

My husband is fascinated by my love of aging, rich blond women and my hatred of them. "Why do you watch these if you are going to curse at the TV?" he asks. I respond by asking him why he does the exact same thing with football.

I took his question to heart though. Why am I fascinated enough by their lives to use up one of my DVR recording slots?

Maybe reality shows are the grown up version of playing Barbie. Bitchy, tequila-shooting, Barbie. These women all have the fabulous homes, the shoes, the clothes, the bullet boobs, the makeup and the Ken Doll. Granted, Ken is now a fifty-year old, womanizing alcoholic going through a mid-life crisis, but at least he still has his Malibu home.

Unlike Barbie, however, none of these women have jobs, or if they do its something like real estate agent to the stars or clothing designer for K-mart. It's all work that can be done on their own hours and with a drink in their hands.

Not to say it's all easy for these gals. Tragedies happen: Botox clinics shut down, cars get keyed by jealous bitchez, nails get chipped in cat fights. But, for the most part, these women are still leading a fantasy life that doesn't involve changing dirty diapers or scooping up week-old kitty litter. It's kind of nice to see that sort of parallel dimension.

Reality shows are like magic mirrors. They can transport us away for an hour to a place where the kitchens are always clean, but we're always glad to be back in our own hovel when it's over. And while I didn't marry Ken, that G.I. Joe action figure taking up residence on my couch while playing the X-box and calling for a sandwich is real and I love him.

And that's the real secret of reality shows: they make us appreciate our own reality, beach-less house and all.

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Are You Ready for Some Football?

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

For my husband.

It's football season.

I'm hoping this means its also the end of basketball season, which has been going on since the last ice age if my calculations are correct.

My husband is in his element, stocking the house with Doritos and Beer and jerky, enough to survive the apocalypse if necessary. He plans to hole up every weekend where he will watch all of his beloved football games from the safety of his man cave.

 It wouldn't be so bad except that he likes college football and the NFL
AND he wants me in the house with him while he is watching.(I don't have to actually participate in the watching - though it is encouraged and I can earn bonus points - he just wants me to be part of the 'experience').

"Don't you want to watch the game with the guys?" I've asked.

"Nope, I love being in my house watching them with you. Hey, when I was in college we used to eat something called frozen turkey loaf for dinner when we watched football. Maybe we can do that?" he asks hopefully.

"Of course, dear." Lucky me.

I could probably weather the next five months a little better if football wasn't on in every room in the house: the man cave, the living room, on every computer screen. Then we get to listen to updates in the car.

I need a plan.

"Let's make a pact this year," I tell him as I'm prepping myself for the Fall lineup.

He responds with a gulp and an 'uh-oh'.

"Let's only have sports on in one room of the house?" I smile like this is a kind, reasonable request.

He fans himself in a panic.

"In just one room? How will I know what's going on in the other games I'm not watching?"

"You can record them."

"What if you're not here?"

"If I'm not here, then you can have football on in all the rooms. BUT if I've just stepped out of the room to, say, make YOU a sandwich, then no, you can't turn over the channel."

He contemplates this, his brain not quite computing.

"What if you're sleeping?" he presses.

"If I'm sleeping you can have it on in the rooms I'm not sleeping in. But it has to be verified. I can't be sprawled out across the couch watching reruns of Big Bang Theory. That's not sleeping. It's resting. It's not okay to turn the channel then."

"I can take a picture of you and prove you are asleep."

"I guess that works."

I feel bad for the guy. I know how much this means to him. But I also like to watch my cheesy yet quaint Hallmark holiday movies and catch up on my Grey's Anatomy reruns. It's a give and take relationship.

"How about," he tries one more time as he trundles down the stairs towards the den, a bag of chips in his hand, "if you die. Would you be upset if you die and came back to haunt me and ALL the TVs were turned to football?"

I arch an eyebrow at him. "No. If I'm dead, watch what you like. But it has to be an accidental death. Remember, there is no football in prison."

He smiles and returns to attention to Sportscenter.

Frowny Face

My husband has a habit of ALMOST finishing something in the refrigerator or the cupboards, but not quite, therefor rendering freeing him of the duty of throwing out a box or cleaning out a dish.

A few days ago I was hot and sick and he informed me that a glass of iced tea would 'fix me right up'.

Well, it would have, if there was any iced tea. He had drank it down to about 1/4 of an inch left in the pitcher.

I pointed out the lack of tea and asked if he could make more. He points out to me that there is still enough 'iced tea sludge' at the bottom of the pitcher to make a suitable glass IF I just add LOTS of water.

He demonstrates.

Basically, what I got was just very brown water and a husband who once again doesn't have to clean out the pitcher. Or make new iced tea.