Turney Duff's Blog, page 13
October 7, 2014
The Art of Calling in Sick…
The best excuse I ever heard for calling in sick went something like this: “I can’t come in today. The hooker I called last night fell off the kitchen counter and broke her arm this morning. I have to take her to the hospital.” I’m not sure how much of a demand there is for casted escorts, so I felt bad for the woman. But for the guy who made the call—well, he gets big marks for creativity.
Let’s face it: Any boss who hasn’t heard the entire list of phony I’m-too-sick-to-work excuses isn’t much of a boss. In today’s marketplace, you need to be creative, with a healthy dose of plausible deniability. Those little coughs and sniffles you fake on the other end of the phone? They aren’t helping. Announcing you don’t feel very well on the Thursday afternoon of a holiday weekend? That’s as worn as saying, “My aunt died.” And if you’re a big drinker, using the old, “It must have been something I ate” excuse just won’t fly.
October 2, 2014
Rich Kid’s Birthday Parties
It was a perfect summer flashback kind of day in mid-October. The staff wore admiral’s hats, and handed a flute of champagne to each guest as he or she stepped off the gangplank onto the boat. I wanted everything to look authentically nautical—well, at least as authentically nautical as a brunch for 150 RSVP’d people on a luxury yacht circling Manhattan could be. As we shoved off, the DJ started spinning slow jams to warm up the crowd before the band started its first set.
This was going to be a fun day—my daughter’s best birthday ever. I weaved my way in and out of guests above and below deck, always with tequila on the rocks in hand. I of course knew most of the guests, but there were a few here and there I had to introduce myself to. With so many friends and family on board, it was difficult to keep any conversation going past the response to “How are you?”
As the band kicked up some 70s and 80s cover songs, people hit the dance floor. The New York City skyline and the Statue of Liberty provided the backdrop. About three hours into the four-hour excursion, just after brunch, cake and more champagne were served. The lead singer crooned “Happy Birthday to You” to my daughter, and everyone joined in. That’s when the tears started to flow.
My daughter didn’t like how loud it was or that everyone seemed to be looking at her.
After all, she was only one year old.
September 30, 2014
You Might be part of the 1% If…
We hear a lot about the 1 percent in America, and we all have our own ideas of who they are. If we go strictly by the numbers, they might be the people who have household incomes north of $500,000, and a net worth of at least $1.5 million.
Sometimes it’s not so clear, however. Maybe your assets are illiquid or even hidden, and you’re not quite sure where you fit in the socioeconomic strata. You’re left figuring out how many phony friends you have and counting the number of charities you’re associated with but don’t care about.
You find yourself trying to remember how many housekeepers you know, and quantify how badly you mispronounce their names. But if you still aren’t quite sure, here’s a handy guide.
You might be part of the1 percent if…
1. Instead of going to therapy, on at least one occasion you’ve sent your personal assistant on your behalf.
2. You’ve thought it might be cool to audition for Survivor, but even if you won, you couldn’t take the pay cut.
3. Your dog walker drives a BMW.
September 26, 2014
Free Swim in the Bonus Pool
The homestretch of bonus season on Wall Street is marked by the quarter pole of October. It’s a tricky time of year because the mental figures have already started to form in management’s head. Your boss will have a pool of money to divide up between you and your co-workers. It’s free swim. Sometimes in effort of getting that extra 100k, you end up making it worse. So please be careful out there — because there’s no life guard on duty at the bonus pool.
Here’s a list of the DOs and DON’Ts leading into bonus season:
CLICK HERE FOR FULL ARTICLE AT CNBC
September 24, 2014
How Rich People Tip
In the 1990s, I lived with a couple of roommates in a doorman building on the Upper West Side. Every December conversation would invariably come around to how much we should tip the doormen and handymen. My roommates would try and think back to who had been most helpful over the previous year. I’d just shake my head. Tipping doormen isn’t about who signed for your packages or hailed your cabs. Instead, the doorman is your first line of defense. That’s why you tip him.
Here’s an example. One Saturday afternoon I was on my couch, licking my wounds from the night before. The buzzer rang, and I limped over to the receiver and said hello.
“I’m not sure if Turney is up there, but he has a guest,” said Paul the doorman, on the line. For a moment this seemed strange because Paul knew my voice. “A woman named Ann is here to see him. Should I let her up?”
“Actually … Turney isn’t here right now,” I replied, suddenly understanding.
Paul knew my backstory with Ann, and as a result he also knew that if I had a bunny, Ann would try to boil it. He saved me. Why? It probably had something to do with the fact that I’d realized the previous December that Paul was the doorman we needed to tip the most, since he always worked the weekend shift. And things can get a little sticky on the weekends.
September 23, 2014
What’s Your Number to Quit Wall Street?
A few months after I finished writing my book The Buy Side and right before it was published, I called my friend Brian McDonald. Brian is an author who knows infinitely more than I do about the world of books, so whenever I have a question about writing or publishing, I call him. Plus, I’ve come to find that writers have to talk to other writers. Otherwise, we wind up so self-absorbed we can’t answer questions like, who’s the president of the United States.
“You know,” Brian said to me on the phone, “when you publish a book you’reautomatically considered an expert on the topic you wrote about.”
“Really?”
“Yup,” he said. “Especially by people who haven’t read the book.”
I had to think for a minute. “So I’m an expert on Wall Street, cocaine, insider trading, and escorts?”
“Sure are,” he said with a chuckle.
“And how to make and lose $10 million?”
“Uh-huh,” he said.
“And Golden Handcuffs.”
“What the heck are those?” he asked.
September 19, 2014
CNBC’S “THE FILTHY RICH GUIDE” SERIES
The series premiere of CNBC’s “THE FILTHY RICH GUIDE” will air on Wednesday, October 8 at 10PM ET/PT. The season consists of 5 thirty-minute episodes that will roll out over 4 weeks.
I had so much fun working on this show as a commentator in all five episodes. Everyone has been so great to work with. I’m very excited. It should be a fun show to watch. I hope you tune in.
“THE FILTHY RICH GUIDE” is a fun, fast-paced guide that catalogs the ways in which the .01 percent spend their money. The series is an insider look at a world where party never ends, the cash flow doesn’t stop, and the hi-tech toys are the biggest and most expensive in the world. From secret worlds, to outrageous mansions, to private islands, it’s the Filthy Rich Guide to the best that (a ridiculous amount of) money can buy.
