Chelsea Gaither's Blog, page 26

Redemption of Althalus--chapter 28

So the updates have been sporatic and that is entirely my fault. Depressive cycles suck. I know what this one is, I'm trying to handle it sanely. Having my first reaction to the blog be "Fuck that shit" is not helping but I am working on that.

So. Where were we?

Eliar is blind and we're violating the personal boundaries of a woman in order to fix that. Great.

A sudden look of revulsion crossed Leitha’s face. “You don’t know what you’re asking, Dweia!” she exclaimed. “I can’t do that!”

DAVE. STOP BEING RAPY.

Dweia, being the goddess of mothering--not motherly love. mothering--does not give one flying fuck what Leitha wants.They go back and forth for a while, and then Dweia drags Althalus into things. Being the consummate man of honor that he is, he promptly cons Leitha.

“I rather thought you might see it that way, Leitha,” he said. “I’m sort of following up on something you said earlier. We are a family of sorts, and that means that Eliar’s your brother, and you’re his sister, doesn’t it...And isn’t Andine also your sister? And there’s a link there as well, isn’t there? ...Then why are you making such a fuss about something that’s already in place? You’re already locked to Eliar, and you have been ever since we all left Kweron. All you’ll be doing now is bringing it out into the open. We might even want to expand that later and bring everybody into this family get-together. It might just be very useful. Love’s a nice sort of thing, Leitha, so don’t be afraid of it.”

I cut out most of Leitha's "uh huhs". And her response after all this is basically "I think I've been manipulated". LEITHA. YOU READ MINDS. YOU SHOULD NOT BE FALLING FOR THIS SHIT.

Also, once the merger happens?

“It’s not really that significant, children,” Dweia told them. “Those are just physical differences. They have very little to do with who you really are. All of us are aware of our physical bodies all the time, and that awareness shouldn’t bother you.”

Yeah, it's genitalia that concerns them. Not, you know, not having their minds to themselves anymore. Nope. Our bodies are all we should give a fuck about.

They do a bunch of tests to prove that Eliar and Leitha's senses are linked now, and then Leitha puts her face up close to Eliar's until they find the door. Why Dweia couldn't be doing this, I have no idea, but that's how this works. Eliar, Leitha and Andine go through, AAAAAANNNNNND the door closes.

So now Althalus is down his magic house, his pocket goddess, his money hole AND his mind-reader. That just leaves him with Wonderkind Gher for future DEM moments. Which will happen.

Meanwhile, Khalor wants to know when he'll get the mind-reading girl back because she was really useful on the front lines. NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

Althalus is all like "Uh...later." And given how much later it takes the not-Tardis to heal Eliar when it basically has a pause button, there's absolutely no reason that Eliar couldn't have just popped back in a paragraph later, fully cured. I'm glad he doesn't, because that would end the military stuff too soon, but that's how the not-Tardis should be working. It's a freaking time pause button.

Anyhoo, Khalor realizes that without Althalus's pocket miracles, they need to fort up in a better position. He asks Salkan to take him to the nearest hill, which turns out to be a several hundred foot high sheer cliff jutting out an otherwise flat field. It has its own freshwater supply.

It makes no geographical sense, which every character points out repeatedly. We're rolling with it.

They stick things out for one more good rush, and use sheep to hide their thoughts from Ghend's mind reader, which works pretty well for defense and offence, as the damned things stampeed the second the battle starts. Then everybody heads out for the geographically impossible cliff for some RnR. Althalus magics up some food and he and the troops start planning for a long, long seige on the mountain.

Gher points out that Ghend's hencman will probably open a door on the path up the cliff, if not directly in their camp (why this never actually occurs to either side mystifies me. Open door at rear of camp, take out most of the supplies and support, and then attack the front lines while they're distracted. It's classic and you don't have to bother with all the hiking. Having a couple hundred enemy soldiers appear in the middle of my camp followers would really ruin my day) so Althalus has the shepherds start rolling rocks down the pathway.

Gher and Althalus also start planning to set fire to the grass around the cliffs, now affectionately known as God's Tooth. This whole sequence annoys the fuck out of me. Dweia can't talk to Althalus, so she talks to Gher instead...because we never find out why, that's just what happens because we need artificial suspense instead of, IDK, shooting three or four of our DEMS and having actual suspense.

Gher tells Althalus which words from the book to use. Because that's what Lord of the Rings needed, you know. Having Gandalf be coached through his spell-casting by a random orphan from Rohan. Having been handed the difficult spell of "making wind" handed to him on a silver platter, he gets the shepherds to set random fires. Gelta attacks with cavalry, and Althalus lights her horses on fire.

Khalor starts building another tower inside their camp on the cliff, because I guess Eddings wanted to do a re-enactment of Helm's Deep.

 Things move on predictably.

By late afternoon, Gelta’s Ansus had returned across the fire-ravaged grassland and totally encircled the tower. Gebhel’s men soon discovered that a boulder rolled off the edge of the tower onto the rocks a thousand feet below bounced a long way out from the base of their fortress. They found that to be enormously entertaining.

Gher then suggests that they build a moat inside their own camp. I guess because being able to pull your front lines back inside your fall-back position is for suckers. Althalus spends a lot of time fishing for words again. Dude, you spent two thousand years studying that fucking book, you'd think you'd remember to bring a crib sheet with you, at least.

Ghend finally remembers that he has doors and how to use them. He dumps his troops on the path towards Khalor's camp, rather than, you know, inside of Khalor's camp.

Khalor dumps a bunch of rocks on Ghend's men then retreats into the main cave. The top of God's Tooth now belongs to Ghend. Althalus, however, pulls magic directly out of his ass and starts an earthquake. Apparently there was a very deep crack in this geological improbability, and this opens up a ditch. Althalus dumps water into it and all of Ghend's horses and all of Ghend's men go flying off either side of God's Tooth, caught in Althalus's brand new waterfall.

And that is what "I've written myself into a corner" looks like when you drag the solution directly out of your ass. Though I have to admit the double-ended waterfall is kind of metal.

Though I probably ought to call it Dweia's waterfall, seeing as how she had to hold Al's hand every step of the way.

And then we have RANDOM FUCKING CAVALRY. Yep, the cavalry soldiers Khalor and Althalus hired several chapters ago come racing out of the cave with Eliar in the lead. The cavalry smash Ghend's troops while Eliar and Pekhal enter single combat. Eliar waits until he's got Pekhal on the ropes before showing him the magical will stealing knife. Pekhal, of course, screams like a vampire doused in holy water, and Ghend rescues his underling before Pelhal can do much more than wet himself.

We never see Pekhal again.

End of chapter.

Oh, and the next  chunk of book? AKA section five? Yeah, this is Andine's section.

Brace yourselves.

Redemption of Althalus--chapter twenty six

It's a warfare chapter. I'm mostly happy about this.

I have no idea why I love war books. It seems to tickle the same part of my brain that likes con movies (Okay, nerd-gasm moment: If you have not watched Now You See Me yet, GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW. And when the opening sequence tells you to pick a card, pick a motherfucking card, mkay? I will spoil nothing, but you are definately supposed to participate in the opening sequence) and Sherlock Holmes adaptations. It's probably the idea of two sides trying to outthink the other one. Bonus points if one or both sides has a "do NOT fuck with me" leader (HONOR HONOR HONOR HONOR HONOR HONOR) (And Thomas Theisman to be honest, but Honor's more kickass and she comes with a treecat. Whose entire species is, by the way, now an integral and useful part of the plot. Having a telempathic sapient critter on your shoulder helps an awful lot when the other side has mind-stealing assassin nanites.) and triple points if both sides are equally matched.

That is, uh...not the case here. We got kind of close to it now that Eliar and the House at the End of the World are out of the equation, but we still have a bunch of war-weary mercenaries squared off against a race of people (a brainwashed race of people) a few steps above stone-age tech. And they still have Leitha. They're not using her, but they've still got her.

However, Al and company have a problem. The bad guys are still in the cave--meaning that Leitha did not just walk Eliar into a trap, Ghend reacted to her discovering his main plan, and there's no reason for her to not still be in play--and they're gonna attack sometime soon. But Ghend has a bunch of soldiers putting on a big show that basically means "We're trying to get your attention so we can attack way the hell over there," which means that Gebhel, the guy in charge of everything, has all his men in the wrong place.

Me being me, I would probably let that attack go off, but I'm a sadistic bitch (It's my word, kiddies, I can point it at me) who likes to throw my side a couple losses before we scrape out a decisive win. This one would, in fact, be so catastrophic I probably wouldn't have to pull another one. And given where the plot's going, having Al and Company be handed their asses in a carpet bag would actually make sense.

But that would expose Althalus to this little thing we call humility and humanity, so we're not going to do that.

Instead, Gher takes over the Deus ex Machina role and suggests that Althalus or Dweia create a fog bank in front of the cave where the troops are hidden, and then tell Gebhel that there's smoke over there, they need to stick some more men on this end of the line. Okay, great suggestion. Let's move on. Please. Let's--

Sergeant Khalor squinted off at the eastern sky, scratching thoughtfully at his cheek. “This boy’s a treasure, Althalus,” he said finally. “Stupid blunders like the one he just described happen all the time in wars,

Take a break to kiss your self insert's asses. And then they do what Gher suggests, and the whole "My dudes are out of place" thing becomes a non issue.

You know, one thing I really don't get is this whole "Let's not let our characters get hurt" thing. I know there's a certain amount of self-insert-ery going on, but for fuck's sake, this is fiction. It's supposed to be interesting. If your main characters win every single fucking time it's not interesting. Even if you throw them a curve ball, it's not interesting. Interesting is when your characters keep losing, because it makes the final win in doubt. Why introduce a curve ball like Eliar getting bashed upside the head if you're going to solve all the issues you bring up within a couple of paragraphs of planning? If there's a big flaw in the plan, exploit the fuck out of it and let the bad guys kick the stuffing out of your main characters for a little while. And if you don't want to do that don't bring up the flaw.

(It also bugs me an awful lot that the same "We're not letting our characters get hurt/lose" crowd are sometimes the ones who set up their female characters for a shitload of abuse. Seeing that combo together makes me feel really, really uneasy.)

So they spend a few pages doing the usual battle preliminaries--posturing and shouting from the Ansu's side, rocks and boiling pitch from Althalus's side--and then the guys in the cave make their assault. Which mystifies Kahlor until he finds out that Gelta is in charge. Apparently women are more elementary than men and they make dumb battle decisions all the time.

Does she have any sort of plan at all, Leitha?”

 “Nothing very coherent. She’s going to lead her forces to the top of that hill over on the other side. Then she’ll wait until they’re all lined up out in plain sight. She’ll order her trumpeters to give us a little concert at that point, and then they’ll charge down the hill.”

Right.

So the Ansus charge forward on their horses and meet a bunch of booby traps. The shepherds and their slingshots kind of put an end to the rest of the charge, and the cave people are now officially a non issue.

Kahlor, however, is worried that the other side hasn't followed up with any foot soldiers. He tells Leitha to keep an eye out. Gelta keeps sending her men up to clear out the barricades and booby traps--mostly by running into them at a full tilt) and then screaming at them when they die. Gebhel keeps putting the blocades and booby-traps back when he has breathing room. This goes back and forth until Eliar wakes up.

Everybody crowds around the tent. As soon as he's awake, Dweia's taking him to the house so he can do all his recovery in a couple seconds...which is promptly derailed because Eliar's injury has blinded him. He can't see a damned thing.

Leitha discovers that tomorrow morning the bad guys are going to attack the trenches from the front and the rear, via Ghend's version of the doors. Gelta gets the useless job of running up the booby-trapped hill some more, while Pekhal the cannibal (not as nice as Hannibal, is it?) attacks from the rear. Well, it took you guys long enough to figure that out.

Then Dweia decides the best way to fix Eliar's eyesight is to violate personal boundaries.

A lot of them.

She decides that the best way to get Eliar's eyes back is to have Leitha go so deep into his mind that both their minds merge together, basically the same way that Dweia pushed into Althalus's head. And she doesn't plan on giving either party the full disclosure or much of a choice in the matter:

Oh, and the main concern in all this? No, it's not personal integrity or mantaining a good sense of self or personal identity or human rights. It's sex.

It's always sex.

Exactly, and that link might alter certain boy-girl arrangements that she wants to stay exactly as they are. We can hope it doesn’t come to that, but getting Eliar’s sight back outweighs everything else right now.

End of chapter.

Aren't our heroes nice?

Redemption of Althalus--chapter 25

Okay, updatey-things.

Everything has gone wrong this month. Everything.

I'm about halfway through the Gray Prince book. Due to unforseen circumstances which I should have foreseen, I'm going to have to delay the third part of Dragon Breath (these circumstances being money shenanigans) (Unless you guys are okay with the last third being unedited. You probably aren't) until I have the editing money saved up. Pretty much the only thing I've finished in the last few days is formatting a print book.

I'm sorry guys. Next month will be better and cool and things.

So when we last left our "heroes" Eliar was flattened by a stray axe. Well, now they've lost the Not-Tardis (and by extention, the Money Pit) so things should be getting better no--

No!” Andine shrieked. She rushed to Eliar, fell to her knees beside his limp body, and clasped him to her, weeping uncontrollably.

 Get her away from him, Althalus! Dweia’s voice crackled inside his mind. She’ll only make it worse!

Dave. Can you stop being casually awful to your female characters? Please?

Dweia shows Leitha how to look into the physical parts of Eliar's brain. Somehow. Leitha reports that Eliar is bleeding internally. The fact that he got bashed with an axe and is lying unconsious would have been your first clue. Unfortunately the axe didn't break Eliar's skull and the pressure is building up.

Also: Apparently Dweia is well trained in twentieth century medicine.

Meanwhile all the characters are screaming "We're screwed" like they aren't bloodthirsty mercenaries who spend their whole lives doing war WITHOUT the aid of a not-Tardis. Althalus and Khalor get Eliar to a tent.

Hey, we haven't been awful to Andine for a couple pages.

“Good. Dweia wants you to shave the back of Eliar’s head.”
 “Althalus!” Andine protested. 

Put her to sleep, Althalus, Dweia said abruptly. Use “leb.” She’s just going to be in the way, and she doesn’t need to watch anyway.

So glad we could fix that.

Althalus drills into Eliar's head whenever Leitha points out a bleed. Dweia has Salkan the Shepherd bring her some herbal remedies that borderline on herbal homicide, and they mix together a surgical antiseptic and make Althalus wash his hands with it.

I'm serious.

This isn’t permanent, is it, Em? Althalus asked, looking at his hands after he’d washed them in the peculiar syrup they’d concocted from several different ingredients. I might have a little trouble explaining how I came to have green hands. 
It’ll wear off in time. Now swab the back of Eliar’s head with it, and let’s get started.

Then Althalus drills into Eliar's head with magic. Eliar promptly shoots blood at him.

Don't ask me. This isn't my book.

Also:

It’s an astringent, dear. It constricts the blood vessels. It’s something on the order of the way sour fruit makes your mouth pucker up. That’s why we needed the greenberries. They aren’t really all that poisonous, but they’re so sour that people believe that they almost have to be deadly.

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT TIME PERIOD THIS IS. I can buy that Dweia would know where to find naturally occurring astringents, but would the word "astringent" exist in Althalus's vocabulary?

So after the magical jury-rigged surgery using magical jury-rigged surgical antiseptics and a magical jury-rigged astringent, we get a jury-rigged time dosage device.

“No, it’s a little more precise than that. Eliar needs very small doses at regular intervals. That’s what the glass tube’s for. There’s a line around the tube to show you just how much to give him. You take the tube, dip it into the medicine as far as that line, and then you put your finger over the upper end of the tube. Then put the tube in Eliar’s mouth and lift your finger. That lets the medicine drain into his mouth. Try it once, so that you’ll know how to do it.”

And the person she's talking to is, naturally, Andine. Because what could the trained-from-birth ruler of a country constantly at war have to contribute to a front lines battle where the general plan just got flushed down the tubes?

We also compare controlling the flow of blood to the brain with tuning a lute.

Althalus then calls Dweia and talks at her for a while. I'd love to say "Tries to co-ordinate a battle strategy" but he pretty much ignores all the potential of having a goddess in a time-traveling house at his beck and call and tells her to do things she'd be able to do on her own, like spy on the bad guys for them.

Leitha is worried that Ghend and Gelta are using her gift against her, so instead of trying to spy and potentially getting another member of her team hurt, she stands near the main tent and chants random numbers under her breath so the other side's mind-reader can't pin down anybody else's thoughts. I guess mind reading is kind of like counting--somebody else shouting numbers at you will ruin the whole game.

Eliar starts getting better, so Althalus decides to do the very best thing a good guy can do, and lie. He tells Salkan that Eliar is dying so that Salkan will think about it real hard and convince Ghend his plan worked. Great.

The chapter ends with Althalus and Leitha discussing how very much Salkan wants to murder all the Ansus. Mission accomplished.

Yeah, I think I am officially disgusted by everyone in this book. I can't bring myself to hate them, but I'll definately fling cow-pies at them for a good long while.

Redemption of Althalus--chapter 24

So they bring Andine back to Othos, and everyone is like "Huh. Our missing ruler has returned in the company of that random slave trader and the dude that murdered her father. Hi, guys. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN YOUNG LADY."

Because the rulers of a kingdom need to be babied like that. It's not like you're giving them any real, significant power or anything.

Oh, and if you ever want to know what Stockholm Syndrome really looks like...

“I think the word is ‘abducted,’ Althalus,” Dhakan corrected.

“It wasn’t his fault, dear Dhakan,” Andine told him. “He was acting on orders from the one we both serve now... I was a monster. Would you be willing to accept a blanket apology for all the trouble I caused you after I ascended the throne? Your patience was almost inhuman. You should have turned me over your knee and given me a good, sound spanking.”

Yeah. It's that. As for resolving the issue of Andine's kingdom being invaded by Daeva AKA Satan, they advice her advisor to basically get everybody behind a big wall and stay there until Team Al can be arsed to rescue them. Because it's not like Andine has her own army or anything.

...seriously. I don't think she does.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch front lines, things are actually getting kind of interesting.

Remember, Ghend has doors and a mind-reader of his own, and now that Al has shown you can stick your entire invading army into your Not-Tardis, Ghend is probably doing that too, and he's stocked the front lines with soldiers who have completely contradictory orders. So they need to have Leitha picking everybody's minds so that she can tell Khalor where to put the troops, but they can't bet on anything she picks up being accurate until right before zero hour, because Ghend can basically put his troops wherever he wants them.

So they drag her out to start evesdropping, and of course we have to make it very rapy.

“Try to keep them out from underfoot.” Then Khalor looked at Leitha, who was still garbed as a soothsayer. “You might want to keep your hood up,” he suggested. “Princess Andine looks like a page boy, so she won’t attract too much attention, but Gebhel’s troops might get excited if they catch a glimpse of you.”

You know, I was reading just last night about a princess who lead an army in combat that had a strict no raping or pillaging rule, and it was part of what won her the country. That country being China. Yeah, this horseshit is so old it's got dynasties telling it to get fucked.

And then Gher points out something rather beautiful:

“Well, maybe.” Gher looked at Eliar. “You can put one of your doors anyplace you want it, can’t you?”

“To within a half inch, Gher. Why?”

Gher reached out and laid his hand on the ground just above the front of the trench. “How about right here?” he asked.

Yep. Everything Eliar can do Ghend can do better, because his crew has had two thousand fucking unnecessary years of practice (You have no idea how unnecessary it all was.)

Of course, Eliar immediately defuses it and this never actually happens. I think this was an editor's note, actually, and not an actual plot point (yet)

 They start running Leitha back and forth across the enemy lines, and she almost misses the bad guys. They're hiding behind a drunken party. Score another point for Ghend. Leitha points out exactly where the bad guys are and where their main force is going to invade.

And then all the shit hits the fan.

A door opens and Gelta appears right behind Leitha, Althalus and Eliar. Eliar is the only person who can use the doors, or even see them outside of the House, and Gelta literally bashes his brains in with her axe. He drops. Ghend chortles that he's just beaten Althalus, and the Not-Tardis is out of commision for the forseeable future.

End of chapter.

Redemption of Althalus chapter 23

So Team Althalus discuss the dream, and decide there are two proper responses

The first is to dress Andine and Leitha up as men and take them along for the fun (FINALLY). Andine, naturally, has to point out the so-called flaw in this plan:

“Gher,” Andine said gently. “Girl people don’t look exactly like boy people. We have slightly different shapes.” She drew in a deep breath to make her point. “You see what I mean?” she suggested, making a vague gesture at the front of her dress.

Yeah, because it is impossible to make a woman look like a man.

 Their second response is to make the not-Tardis even MORE of a Deus ex.

Specifically by making a window that can see and hear everything in the known cosmos, including a thousand years ago, and by making yet another door that can basically do the same thing. So yes. We spent chapters talking about all the doors in all the hallways, and now we're just going to be using this specific door for everything.

Oh, but it's special:

 Make it an arch, Althalus, and give it brass hinges and an ornate handle so that Eliar knows that it’s no ordinary door. Use ‘peri.’ It’s a bit more formal, and we’ll use the word ‘portal’ when we speak of it, instead of the word ‘door.’ It’s important for Eliar to think of it differently. Make the door, Althalus.”

Yeah. The portal thing lasts for exactly one paragraph. I guess even Eddings knew it was stupid.

Eliar and Sargent Kahlor think it's the best thing since sliced bread, and in reality I think Kahlor should be the protagonist for this story. He's the dude that does all the work after all, and his HEA is actually legit.

Anyhoo, Gher decides that the very best thing you can do with the Door to Everywhere is to have it go to "Nowhere and Nowhen"

He almost ends the fucking world. No big.

(Seriously. He almost ends the fucking world)

We DO, however, get one legitimately funny line:

“I wish I had a donkey,” Eliar said, grunting under the weight of the keg he was carrying along the streets of the cow town of Kherdon in north-western Plakand.

 “We’ve got one,” Khalor told him with a grin. “His name’s Eliar.”

Why is this not Khalor's story?

They use the money hole to hire cavalry. The negotiations take place in a bar. Aren't we surprised.

They also introduce the girls into the equation by having them be Cheif Albron's unwanted human baggage. Because that's totally the way to do it. Andine and Gher are his unwanted pages, and Leitha is his unwanted (male) soothseer. They introduce them to Priest White Guy who has no problem with a soothsayer of indeterminate religion being in the same room, even though a few months ago the preists of this religion were trying to burn Leitha at the stake.

Consistancy.

And of course, the way to discuss their planning for the male disguises is to talk about Leitha's ass.

I am not kidding. Not even remotely.

“I’m sure you’d have been very convincing,” Andine said, “right up until you started to walk.” 
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
 “You swish, dear.” 
“I what?” 

“Swish. All sorts of things move when you walk. Have you ever noticed that, Brother Bheid?” she asked. Bheid’s face turned slightly red. “I thought I noticed you noticing,” Andine said. “You definitely get his attention when you walk past him, Leitha.”

It is probably pathetic that the thought of Andine saying "Dear" the way Dweia and Leitha do bugs me more than "Hey, let's show off your costume by discussing how it shows off your ass."

But it does.

However, they wander out to the war zone and start talking about all the fun things they're putting together, and have I mentioned I love military fiction yet? Because, in case you can't guess, I totally do.


It lasts for one little section, and then they go back into the house to show us how they're deceiving the armies Althalus slipped into his back pocket when nobody was looking.

These are the good guys.

When they go back to the trenches, Albron has ripped off the Ghost and the Darkness and has the shephards tying bushes to everything.

Nasty bushes.

“That’s no ordinary bush, Sergeant,” Albron told him. “The local Wektis call it ‘the shrub from Hell.’ It’s a bramble with three-inch thorns—almost like steel needles. They grow wild along the river. I accidentally brushed up against one of the blasted things a few hours ago, and as soon as I got the bleeding under control, I thought they might be an interesting addition to our barricade out front.” 
“You didn’t try to order Gebhel to use them, did you?” 

“I know better than that, Sergeant,” Albron said. “I just handed him a limb from one of the cursed things and said, ‘Isn’t this interesting?’ He got the point—six or eight points, actually—almost immediately.”

And this is why I love this book. I like the shenanigans with the not-Tardis, but I absolutely fawningly love the parts that are normal dudes doing what normal dudes do. And you know what? Althalus has lots of fancy shiny toys and he brings them out every chance he gets, but most of the time it's the normal guys who have no fucking clue what's really going on who save the day with perfectly normal stuff. I get this picture of Eddings going "Well, now we need to challenge the characters so we're going to introduce all this challening things and OH FUCK HOW DO YOU WRITE CHALLENGE nevermind I'll just have the Adorably Quirky Deity save the day at the last minute" and somehow managing to have the Normal People just plain not suck at this.

There is more discussion of tactics, and how they plan on handling the Ansu horses (Using the Shrub from Hell to funnel the horses into a killing hall filled with all kind of nasty shit) and who they're going to stick where, and how well and truely fucked the enemy will be.

And then we go back to the house and things start sucking again.

Ghend is doing shit in Othos, which is Andine's Kingdom, which is where Andine really ought to be even with her severe case of Brainwashed. Andine has found out about said shit and demands to be taken home so she can take care of her business.

Althalus refuses. Dweia is, of course, the ever gracious voice of reason.

You’d better do as she says, Althalus, Dweia’s voice murmured in his mind. Things probably aren’t quite as bad as she seems to believe, but you’d better pacify her...Take Andine home so that she can warn Lord Dhakan, but then bring her right back to Keiwon. I don’t want that girl running around loose out there.

Yep. The ruling monarch's concerns for her kingdom in the process of being invaded by Satan must be heeded, not because, you know, SHE'S MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT, but because she has to be pacified. 

 End of chapter.

Redemption of Althalus--chapter 22

So Albron tells Althalus that they have to tell Kahlor about the Not-Tardist. They make some noise about Dweia not being pleased, but it's fine with her, so they do. So now we can add Kahlor to the permanent roster, even though he never has serious opposition.

Convincing him takes a while, and requires a lot of randomness.

What's far more interesting is when one of the shepherds, Salkan, meets Kahlor. It seems that the Ansus have been killing the Wekti shepherds' sheep, and the Wekti shepherds aren't too pleased about it. Basically, all these poor little meek baby boys nobody wanted to protect because of Meekness? Yeah. They're all fucking David. You know, David and Goliath? Slings? Salkan straight up killed the soldiers with his, and is pretty pleased with avenging his sheep.

Kahlor and Althalus quickly revise their plans and start hinting to White Guy that the shepherds might want to start defending themselves. Because. You know. THEY ARE. 

 Also: Kahlor thought a sling was just a child's toy, but Althalus knew all about them. Yes he did. He even used one to kill a man once, and he had the most perfect stone for it, too.

Kahlor decides he needs to do some random scouting. Using the house. By basically opening a door and standing in it, looking around. Because it's a not-TARDIS, what do you expect? And Eliar randomy senses Ghend around, and the whole point of this scene is to show that Ghend is afraid of Althalus because he's "moving too fast".

In reality, I think Ghend needs to stay ahead of Al because Marty Stu-Itis is severely contageous, it's already claimed all the protagonist characters and Ghend is terrified he'll be next.

They report their adventures in spying to Dweia. She's not happy:

“You’re starting to make me cross, Althalus.”

Also, Dweia suggests Kahlor stay for supper because with all this war-planning, the ladies are feeling left out.

Right. Because it's not like a mind-reader and a trained ruler would be of any assistance whatsoever in planning a war.

Andine reverted to hovering, and she filled Eliar’s plate three times before he advised her that he was “full clear up to here” with a gesture in the vicinity of his throat.

Yeah. We're still doing that too.

Once again, Gher recommends they put all the Arums in the house, only make them walk in circles so they think they've been marching for months. Althalus loves this idea, mostly because it would mean that he'd only have to pay for real world time, and my issue with this is the discrepancy between the troop's records and their clan-cheifs are probably the kind of disagreements that end in mild genocide. You don't want to cheat mercs out of pay is what I'm saying. It always ends badly.

Althalus decides that Ghend is scared of Gher because Gher has all the good ideas.

Right.

Kahlor picks Gweti's troops to go into the feild at Wekti because he's the best at forting up. He lays out his entire plan for the boss and they both cackle at the amount of mayhem this is going to cause.

Gweti tries to cheat Althalus. It doesn't work too well for him.

They get the troops moving, and the chapter ends with another of those lyrical archaic not-dreams:

And behold, stern-faced Gelta, Queen of the Night, did mount the hill astride her midnight horse. And her ax of stone did weep, weep the blood of her fallen foes.

Why. Dave. Why.

Redemption of Althalus chapter 21

So they go back into the House and discuss the situation in Wekti. Apparently Gelta appeared to the Ansus on Wekti's border and claimed to be their long-lost warrior Queen, and Ghend basically pulled an Althalus to bring it home. Random lights, lots of floating down from clouds, lots of manipulative bullshit. You know. The usual.

Althalus doesn't like the other side having fireworks.

Eliar asks Bheid if the Wektis have any army, and Bheid's assessment is less than stellar to say the least:

“Wekti’s a land of sheep, Eliar,” Bheid said. “That’s the domain of the white-robed priests, and the White Robes have elevated ‘meek’ to an art form. The Wekti won’t defend themselves. The apostate White Robes have seen to that.”

Wow. Way to dismiss an entire race based on your own internal religious feudes. Also, please note, the White Robes? Are basically a branch of Bheid's church. We're not even talking Baptists and Methodists here. We're talking Jesuits vs Opus Dei.

...so actually this part is absolutely correct.

The ruler of Wekti gets similar short shift:

He’s a pudgy, balding man of middle years with a mind uncontaminated by thought. He never leaves the palace, and neither do any of his ‘Royal Proclamations.’ The sycophants in his court all tell him how important he is.

Speaking of which, that "mind uncontaminated by thought" is another Eddings C&P. It appears AT LEAST once a book.

Bheid continues that the preisthood is as lazy as the king, the population are poetic wimps, and that said poetry really sucks eggs. Eliar, of course, rouses to the idea of protecting the weak and helpless and--

“Do we really have to get involved with these people, Emmy?” Eliar asked, turning to Dweia. “It doesn’t seem to me that they’re worth the trouble.”

Our heroes, boys and girls. They leave vulnurable populations to Demon Gods precisely because they are vulnurable. 

Dweia insists they rescue the Wektis...because leaving Wekti to Ghend, Daeva and Gelta means leaving their really important places open for attack.

I'm beginning to suspect that Eddings doesn't have issues with women. He has issues with all of humanity. The ones with women just manifest more.

 Finally, Althalus and company decide on the scam they're going to use to get the leader (AKA Excharch) of the White Robes to agree to get help: they're going to impersonate a religious personage. Specifically, one of Bheid's group's upper level members. And Bheid is going to do the impersonation because...why the fuck not, he hasn't accomplished anything yet.


They go to the capital, which is compared to another capital that I don't really remember very well. Bheid asks Althalus for help in how to con properly, and Althalus says "Be an asshole."

Okay, actually that IS really good advice, but it's not like Althalus behaves any other way...

Bheid, however, points out that he's a religious man and he doesn't like lying. And just when you thought Al couldn't dig the asshole pit any deeper, he breaks out the shovel:

“When you get right down to it, this lie comes dangerously close to the real truth of the matter. We actually are offering aid, and this upcoming war is a struggle between good and evil. All I’m suggesting is that you forget to mention a few things that Yeudon’s probably incapable of understanding.

Al would make a great politician.

So they head into the temple--which gets no description whatsoever, and of course Bheid is being holy and beyond reproach and I'm not actually fooling any of you, am I? Yeah, Bheid has no problem being a flaming ass:

“If this fool doesn’t get to his feet immediately, I want you to kill him, Eliar,” Bheid said flatly.

Because death threats are perfectly fine as long as you don't actually mean them.

The Excharch of the White Robes (I will now call him "White Guy" because in another few chapters that will probably be hilarious) invites Bheid in and remains polite and civil. Bheid does to, and gives their mark the pitch: Invading Ansus, Gelta, Ghend, Daeva, lots of Arums in our back pocket. Basically, the only thing he lies about is who is actually coming to their rescue, which so far is like saying "We're the human society, of COURSE we'll help adopt your kitten" when you're actually from PETA.

White Guy swallows it whole. Bheid continues to hold forth about how much more wonderful his side of their religion is:

“We’re the oldest of the orders, your Eminence,” Bheid said rather sadly, “and we’ve had more experience in the real world than the White Robes or the Brown Robes. Your orders are innocent of the innate corruptibility of most of mankind. We Black Robes lost all our illusions eons ago, and a world without illusions is a very bleak place. We see the world as it really is, not as we’d like it to be. Our motives are ultimately as pure as yours, but our methods are sometimes a bit cynical. We’ll use whatever it takes to achieve our goals in an imperfect world.”

...these are supposed to be the good guys.

Anyway, White Guy says he'd like to take lessons in lying from them. Althalus literally says he'll give the White Guys a discount for the privelage. End of chapter.

Redemption of Althalus--chapter 20

I've felt very run down the last few days. I've gotten my writing done, but not much else.


Right. So where were we?

Althalus and Company have begun to hire Arums. Right.

Somebody brings up that the Arums won't want to fight a religious war. Dweia drags everybody back to the Not-TARDIS, AKA the House at the End of the World so they can discuss this without being spied upon.

Why they don't just do this every other time will never be explained.

Anyway, it turns out Andine's brainwashing is coming along quite nicely:

“If you’re looking for a war, Dweia, I’d be more than happy to lend you mine,” Andine offered. “The notion of all the clans of Arum marching on the city of Kanthon gives me a warm little glow.”

Aw. What an adorable little psychopath.  Dweia wonders if Andine is any good at public speaking. She's not shy about it:

“Have you been asleep for the past several months, Leitha?” Andine asked archly. “I’m always speaking in public. Did you really think my dramatic way of speaking was an accident? My voice is the most finely tuned instrument in all of Treborea. I can sing the birds down out of the trees with it, and make stones weep, if I really want to. I probably don’t need those kegs of gold. Give me half an hour and a little room and I’ll mobilize the Arums with my voice alone.”

Eliar than comments that Andine even had HIM believing that he was a horrible monster. You know. For killing her dad.

And yeah, she's still feeding him randomly because Eddings thought it was funny.

Gher then suggests that they expand Andine's list of enemies to include all of Daeva's people and allies, and everybody thinks this is the greatest idea ever.

And then we get to meet all the other clan cheifs in person.

Eddings has this way of describing things. Namely, that if it's pretty, it's good. If it's not pretty, it's bad. This is very apparent when the Clan Cheifs are introduced. This is a good guy:

Koleika, the heir apparent to the gross Chief Neigwal, was the first to reach Chief Albron’s castle. Koleika was lean, with jet black hair and a jutting lower jaw. He was a somber man dressed in leather, and he wore snug leather trousers rather than the traditional kilt of most Arums. He spoke very seldom, and when he did, he had the peculiar habit of never permitting his upper lip to move. Upon his arrival, he spoke briefly with Albron and then largely kept to himself.

And these are both bad guys:

A few days later, Smeugor and Tauri, the Chiefs of the two southern clans, rode in. Smeugor was stout, with a fiery red face that was a sea of angry red pimples interspersed with deep scars. He affected an air of forced gaiety, but his narrow eyes were cold and as hard as agates. Tauri had sparse yellow hair and no trace of a beard. He evidently thought of himself as a ladies’ man. He wore elegant lowlander garb that wasn’t too clean, and he eyed every female in Albron’s hall with open lasciviousness. Even as Koleika had, Smeugor and Tauri largely kept to themselves after their arrival.

Yeah, apparently the signs of the Beast are zits and food stains on your clothing. Who knew?

And having these two idiots as bad guys will contribute NOTHING to the plot. Moving on.

Everybody gets to the great hall, eventually. Albron introduces the idea of a female monarch to the Clan Cheifs and they react predictably.

“That’s sick!” Twengor boomed.

Yeah. He's a good guy.

Andine asks Eliar to dump some of the gold kegs out on the floor. Eliar does this until the Clan Cheifs start remembering that breathing once in a while would be a good idea, and she gets straight down to business:

“I’m just a silly little girl,” Andine told them, “So I’ll let my Lord High Chamberlain give you all the tiresome details. Now that I’ve earned your love, I’m certain that you just can’t wait to do as I ask.” 
“And what might that be, your Highness?” Gweti asked.
 “Oh, I don’t know. Would ‘Burn! Fight! Kill!’ be too much to ask?”

That's copied and pasted directly out of the book, BTW.

They talk about going to war for a while, then Leitha drags Althalus off into a corner and points out that the two snaky looking clan cheifs are in fact snakes. They're working for Ghend.

You know, having a mind-reader in your pocket kind of ruins the suspense.

A little bit later they all go back to the House again because Ghend is marking his people on a place called Wekti. Apparently it's a mostly rural country with a large number of sheep and a reputation for timidity. They need to get there NOW otherwise they'll lose the country.

Then Gher suggests putting their new army in the house. ALL OF IT.

 “Oh, that’s right. I was sort of thinking that Eliar leads them through a door they can’t even see into the House here, but they don’t know that they’re in the House because the bushes hide it. Then they go to another door and walk out into this Wekti place. They start over here, and they end up over there, but they don’t even know it.”
 “Except that they start out in the mountains and end up in the flat country,” Eliar objected.

 “The House can take care of that. Since it’s Everywhen, it can make the trip through those bushes last for as long as Emmy wants it to last. The soldiers are going to think they’ve been walking through those bushes for weeks and weeks, but when they come out, it’ll only be a minute or so later. We’ll know that, but they won’t.” He looked at Dweia. “Could we do it that way, Emmy?” he asked her.

So now Althalus is going to have an army in his pocket too. Great.

The chapter ends with Gher rubbing Dweia's kiss off his cheek. Aww. How cute.

Yeah, I'm going to go die in bed with some theraflu. Have a good night!

Redemption of Althalus--chapter 18-19

I've begun to realize my goal in doing this book is utterly fucking destroying any street cred I may have had prior to this blog. Because despite pointing out every problem this book has? I still love it. It's an ugly, rotten, terrible book, and it will still be my first choice for rainy day reading for many many years to come.

I am a sorrowful, pathetic excuse for a critic. My faves are problematic. Pray for my soul.

Oh, and chapter eighteen opens with unfaltering praise for money-hungry mercenaries. I am not kidding:

“You’re wrong, Bheid,” Althalus disagreed. “Sergeant Khalor’s a very good soldier who knows enough not to believe people when they talk about heavenly rewards instead of the money in advance. The Arums work only for pay, and that makes it nice and simple.”Yeah, Althalus is about to hire the Arums. ALL OF THEM. 

Naturally, the others doubt that the Money Hole has that much gold in it. You know, because putting sane limits on the DEMS present is modis operandi in other books. Not in an Eddings book, though, OF COURSE Al has enough money to hire the ENTIRE NATION OF MERCENARIES.

Also, I've begun playing Fallout 3, which I suck at. It's obviously Oblivion recycled, but I suck at range weapons, always have, always will, and Fallout? IT'S ALL GUNS. But anyway, based on that, this line?

The Arums fight for gold, which never changes.

The unintentional hilarity never changes.

 Anyway, to hire ALL OF ARUM Althalus has to get Clan Cheif Albron to call them all into one place. This means that Eliar has to open the Magical Door in the House at the End of the World that leads to Albron's arm's room. Yep, we're putting the Not-TARDIS to use immediately.

Also? Andine is fucking creepy.

Andine set Eliar’s plate down on the table in front of him. “Eat it before it gets cold, Eliar,” she instructed. 
“Yes, Andine,” he replied, picking up his spoon. There was something slightly unnerving about the intensity of Andine’s expression as she watched Eliar eat. Althalus shuddered slightly and looked away.

I do not think these characters are intended to fuck.

So Althalus basically pops into existance in Albron's armory, tells him the truth--that Al is working for a formerly unknown goddess--and then very quickly says 'YEAH BUT I AM PAYING MONEY TO WORK WITH ME" which makes Albron start to salivate. So Arum will work for any crazy man with money. Gotcha.

Well, I guess that's how we've kept Blackwood employed.

Sargent Kahlor skins Althalus alive for using Eliar over the summer. Incidentally, Sargent Kahlor is one of my favorite characters in the novel. Carry on.

Everybody has another dream:

The mountains and forests were silent, silent. And then from afar came the wailing of utter despair. And with that wailing, the people came out of the west. Crude they were, clad in half-rotten hides of beasts, and red were their tools and weapons—axes and mattocks of ruddy copper. And Ghend walked among the people, whispering, whispering, and his eyes burned the ruddy flame of copper.

Putting conjunctions in the wrong place and repeating yourself is not lyrical archaic poetry.

Basically Ghend tries to convince a primitive tribe that Gelta is their war Goddess. We never find out if this really works or not.

Althalus pays a visit to the Money Hole to pay for the services of all the Arums. It doesn't even begin to dent how much gold is down there.

Trust me. This DEM is like wheels within wheels of WTF.

Next chapter.

Althalus turns the bars of gold into coins and fills wine barrels with it. He has a lot of wine barrels.

Now, there are a lot of things Althalus can do with the not-TARDIS. Some of them would involve revealing the existance of the House at the End of the World and all its potential. Althalus does...well, exactly that. He brings Albron into the House and shows him all the gold, just to prove that he can hire all of Arum.

Basically, guys? The reason I love this book? It's not because of the romantic antics here. Al has a not-TARDIS and holy shit does he use the fucker. This book has just become fucking fun.

Al and Albron have a heart-to-heart, in which Al reveals that he is the real Althalus and Albron believes him. Don't care. NEXT!

Althalus then tells Albron everything, and ends with an admission that Althalus is basically going to swindle the pants off all the Arums, but he's going to pay them well for the privilege. Albron, being the upstanding patriot of Arum that he is, is fully on-board with this.

Albron gives Althalus the low-down on all the other clan cheifs. This is kind of important to the plot, so:

Delur is senile with good generals. Gweti is a greedy asshole. Twengor is a drunk and I have issues with later events involving him, Smeugor and Tauri are about as trustworthy as characters can be when their names are a few vowels away from being "Smegol" and "Traitor", and the last chief of note is actually just a representative named Koleika, who is basically the big stick you hit everybody else with.

This is five paragraphs worth of data. I hope you're happy.

The cheifs start arriving. The chapter closes with Delur arriving and making a big deal about being there.

Redemption of Althalus--16+17

Chapter sixteen opens with Althalus having post-sex talk with his very own Goddess.

Well, at least we got it out of the way early.

Also, when Althalus goes down to breakfast and announces that they will all be meeting with Emmy in Goddess Form, Leitha looks into Althalus's head and sees what Dweia looks like.

“Oh, dear,” Leitha said, biting her lip.
 “What’s wrong?” Andine asked.
 “Is that what she really looks like?” Leitha demanded of Althalus. 
“It’s probably fairly close. I have a very good eye for details.”
 “Oh, dear,” Leitha said again.
“What is it, Leitha?” Andine looked puzzled.

 “We’re crows now, Andine.”

Yep, because that's what women care about. Immortal Goddess who is already taken=fuck, she's prettier than me.

Dweia then explains why she and Daeva are fighting. And yeah, it's mostly her and Daeva. Apparently Dewios said "fuck this shit" and booked. He, BTW, is the creator god. Daeva is pissed because Dewios keeps changing things, and Dweia doesn't give a fuck about change because she just mothers everything, and yes, that is her full purpose for being. She mothers things. She is the goddess mother. She loves everything.

Yeah. Eris, Goddess of Discord, this chick ain't.

So Dweia then goes over all of Ghend's henchmen, which we've already met, telling Team Althalus who they are and where they come from, and I can sort this all out right now in a list of who vs. who:
Ghend=AlthalusPekhal=Eliar
Gelta=Andine
Khnom=Gher
Argan=Bheid
Koman=Leitha.

That's not that hard. And definately not worth this many pages, as it kind of posts a "THESE GUYS GET KILLED BY THESE OTHER GUYS" sign over the heads of each of the pairings. Also: Gelta.

This is the description of Gelta:

“She’s as big as any man, and far more savage. She’s a homely woman with a pockmarked face and a big nose. She grew up in the company of her father’s warriors, so she thinks more like a man than a woman. She waded through blood to reach her throne, and any man who made an issue of her gender didn’t live long enough to see the sun go down.”

...and the problem is?

Seriously. You have to come up with a description of a nasty awful evil evil woman and this is it? A woman who says "Fuck that shit" to the divide between men and women? And her opponent is I'm-getting-crushed-by-mansplaining Andine? Who is pretty and desirable and annoying as fuck just so we could have Slap-Slap-Kiss and not, you know, actual human relationships? Dave. WHY?

...the sad thing is? I still love this book. I can't defend it. I'm not going to bother.

Eliar then interrupts the meeting AND the narrative for the ten thousandth time so that he can go get food. Andine starts laughing. I do not get a good feeling from this.

End of chapter.

Next chapter: Andine starts feeding Eliar in the middle of the story.

This is supposed to be their romantic development. Andine slipping him scraps of food the way you'd give the ends of a hot dog to your puppy to make them shut up and stop eating your feet. This is romantic.

...no. No it's not.

Meanwhile we are STILL rehashing stuff we talked about several chapters ago. DUDE: "AND THEY EXPLAINED EVERYTHING" is sometimes ALL THE EXPOSITION YOU NEED.

And hey, this book hasn't swiveled around and shot itself in the face yet. Want to change that?

Remember how Emmy and Althalus just HAD to leave the house? They had to leave it so bad that Emmy HAD to rape her way into Althalus's mind? Because he'd been sitting on important information for two thousand years and they were out of time to continue his training?

Gher asks Althalus why the days aren't getting any shorter, given that they've been there for months. Al's reply?

“I don’t either—not entirely, anyway. She’s tampering with time. Most probably what’s happening is that we’re living the same day over and over again—except that different things happen each time we go through that day.”

BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT....*looks back up at the Gelta paragraph* Yeah. I give up.

Leitha learns how to shut off her gift. She also learns that shutting off her gift is the worst thing she could ever do to herself because minds are so quiet. So instead she learns how to moderate her gift so she's not in other people's minds all the time. And somehow this is done by pointing it at things like it's a laser pointer.

I have no idea, but it pays off later.

Gher reveals that he's noticed Leitha's "browsing" and he's been dodging her. Somehow. This impresses Dweia.

Eliar starts to interrupt and Andine feeds him.

Dweia has one-on-ones with all the other members of the Team. It doesn't develop much until she gets to Eliar. She tells him that it's time to learn how to "use" the house the way Althalus "uses" the Book and the Knife. Because we only have five Deus-Ex-Machinas in this book, it's high time we had another DEM to play with. Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time to meet THE biggest DEM in the entire novel:

 When I say that the House is everywhere, I really mean everywhere. When Deiwos first made it, this room was all there was, and he went out from here to make everywhere else, and he made a door to each of those places. That’s why the House kept growing, and that’s why the doors—not the rooms—are important. Let me give you an example. If Andine wanted to stop by her throne room to speak with her High Chamberlain, Lord Dhakan, she could saddle her horse, ride on down through Kagwher, slip past Kanthon, and eventually reach Osthos. There’s another way, though. She could go down the hallway that leads to the south, open a certain door right here in this House, and step through that door into her throne room.”

The house can also time-travel. So basically, Althalus gets the TARDIS. Unlimited money, a magical book that will do fucking anything, a pet Goddess who doubles as a smoking hot girlfriend, a knife that will steal your friends' free will, and the fucking TARDIS. Damn it, the freaking Doctor had to make do with the good old call box and a sonic screwdriver.

However, the House does give us the set-up for one of the best lines I've ever read in anything:

“You’d better close the door, Eliar,” Dweia suggested. “It’s letting in the time.”

And hey, it's time for us to start working up Gher as the second biggest DEM in the book. Eliar and Dweia start discussing how the House can control time, and Gher jumps into the conversation, eventually theorizing that space and time are the same damn thing. Basically, this kid has every physics book ever jammed into his head (as translated by David and Leigh Eddings, of course) Dweia is even more disturbed:

 Dweia drew in a sharp breath. “Who have you been talking with, Gher?” she demanded. “Where did you get that idea?” 
“It just came to me, I guess. When you said ‘space’ instead of ‘distance,’ several things sort of clicked together. Did I say something I wasn’t supposed to say, Emmy? I’m sorry if it upset you.” 

“It didn’t upset me, Gher. It just surprised me, that’s all. The unity of space and time is something very few people have realized yet.”

So yeah. Gher is their "Get out of 'we're fucked' free" card. Which happens surprisingly often, given that Al's got six DEMs to play with. And I do have to give Al this much: Everything he's got (With the exceptions of Gher and the Money Pit) the other side has too. And they almost manage to fuck Team Al up more than once. You know. The same way Podunk Shitstain's football team almost manages to beat the State Champions when their quarterback's out sick and the offense is hungover.

Team Althalus marvel at Gher for a little while, and then they make him take a bath.

End of chapter.