Chelsea Gaither's Blog, page 29

Eternal Prey--chapter 10

So my obsession, when I'm not editing, writing, or (...I still can't talk about it, but it's REALLY COOL. Not life-changing book deal cool or anything like that. But it's cool. So yeah. CENSORED) has been this game called Flight Rising.

I have not shared much about this because we kind of collectively broke the servers and they shut down registration about a week after I joined, and I didn't feel it was fair to share the awesome when I'm the only one who gets to participate (unless one of you have an account. DO YOU HAVE AN ACCOUNT?)

Anyway, It's a dragon breeding site. It's PRETTY. 

It's also an AMAZING drama magnet, and I'm definately a car-wreck sort of girl. For example, tonight a new breed came out, and we almost broke the new servers. I've been camped on the FR tag on Tumblr going all:

It's digital pictures of dragons, guys. DIGITAL PICTURES OF DRAGONS. CALM THE FUCK DOWN

So yeah. I thought I'd share. And give you fair warning because I am going to DEMAND ya'll show up over there and we do the dragon thing together just as soon as they start letting new people join. So. You know. Bookmark.

(FYI I get to spend about an hour or to on the site a day. It'd be real nice if I had friends there)

So. When we last left our heroes...

Fin is about to meet with his long-annoying brother Seir. The other dinos have showed up with their wives and Utah is still a flaming bag of dicks. He's got to go rescue Lia. Because, you know, there's no way she could rescue herself once she's a vampire. It's not like Bella-with-a-sword will go "LIA SMASH" as soon as she's awake, right?

Seir teleports into the room--he'd better fucking teleport everybody into Lia's mortuary, otherwise this book gets the finger--and the family sniping begins. Apparently Earth is Fin's favorite toy and he doesn't like sharing because Zero tends to break it. Seir's position is basically Q. Again.

Utah hears a random heartbeat. Okay.

Christine/Seven moved everybody out after they turned Lia, and Seir has no idea where she is now. Great, we've handwaved that conflict away. What now?

Ty asks how Fin is connected to Zero. Fin, being a reasonable simi-omnipotent deity-thing, fucking mind-wipes the entire room. Except for Utah. Apparently he is developing the Powers of the Sue and it's putting a real cramp in Fin's style. Even Seir picks up on it.

Fin decides to trap Seir in the condo so that Seir will stay out of trouble and maybe start talking. He fights it, shaking the condo's foundations, knocking pictures off walls, breaking glass, and basically demonstrating that he's also a simi-omnipotent deity-thing. How does he react when he discovers he can't escape?

“Jerk. Where’s my room?”

Four. You're four. Here's a rubber ducky and a pair of footie pajamas.

Utah and Tor start to discuss planning. Seir follows them:

“You’re supposed to show me to my prison cell.” Seir stopped beside Utah. “Will you chain me to my bed?” A wicked little smile worked at the corners of his mouth. “The kink calls to me. Maybe you . .  . or your brother could entertain me there.”

Random ellipsis for the win. Random incest, not so much.

So they drag him to his room, and then go back, and Fin tells them they're looking everywhere for Seven, who has a real fetish for living things, as long as said things aren't human. Utah gets paired up with Kione.

...the flaming bag of dicks and the emotionless pointy eared non-human. Holy shit, this is based on a Star Trek fic, isn't it?

Also: Fin. I don't actually give a fuck about you, but it's really hard for me to take your badassery seriously when you stay behind to "mentally mess with" your brothers. Oh, yeah, Zero is totally Fin and Seir's brother. As if you couldn't guess.

Meanwhile, Lia wakes up. And THANK FUCKING GOD it is short and sweet and there are no descriptions of dust motes. There is a strange man at her bedside giving her blood. I would be freaked. She's just hoping that the source isn't unwilling.

You're in the bad chick's lair. I do not think Seven is going to have your first meal fill out a permission slip and consent form.

But it is apparently the Best Blood Ever, and of course, when he turns on the light it is Zero, who else would it be. He isn't identified but glittery tinsel hair is the dead giveaway. His is red.

 Lia flipped off her awake switch before he finished his sentence.

You know, I can't decide if Nina needs to stop using tech to describe things, or if she needs to describe all the things, because I am not tired of it yet. AWAKE SWITCH. FEELING FIELD. 

Zero apparently has hallucinogenic blood, because he hypnotizes Lia into wanting to feed on Utah until Utah is dead, the next time she and he are alone. Oh, and she won't hunt Seven, because protecting your assets is TOTALLY secondary to breaking up a romance novel's primary couple.

The chapter ends with Lia falling back asleep. 

State of the CW

So, yeah, no update today. Maybe later today. Why?

 I'm in a transitional phase. The upside is, IT IS FREAKING GOOD. The downside is it's delaying a lot of projects and kicking the everloving tar out of me.

So here's the good news: I'm okay. Actually, there's a lot of OTHER good news but I cannot talk about it for Reasons. And I can't give the reasons publicly either. So let's focus on that part: I am okay and really, really happy right now.

The bad news: I'm going to have to delay publication of DB pt 2. Not by much--couple days, five at the most. It depends on what I set up with the editor--but it's a delay, and given how much you guys have given me it's shitty to pull. And again: I cannot discuss why I have to do this publicly. Which is also shitty.

It is not that I don't want you to know--you deserve explanations.  But I can't discuss the reasons, and I can't discuss why I can't discuss the reasons, here in public. I do NOT expect you to take this on faith, however, so if you are an Indie-Go-Go donator and you've got issues with delays or my radio silence, either drop your e-mail in the comments or drop me a line (Christwriter AT hotmail DOT com) and I'll give you the skinny.  You do deserve to know what's going on. It's not that I can't talk about it, boys and girls. I just can't talk about it here.

The really good news: The indie-go-go campaign is really close to where I need it to be to make the editing possible.  We're not there yet, and the out-of-pocket expense on my end is still almost prohibitive, but we're VERY close.

The hard number here is 300 bucks. If we break 300 I'll be able to make up the difference. 500 would be awesome but that's more than a little out of reach IMHO.

If you have not donated yet, and you intend to, NOW IS THE TIME FOR NOW. If you HAVE donated, thank you, you are awesome. Spread the word, let's make it work.

You guys are wonderful, awesome possum people, I am glad to have you with me on this ride. Stay safe, stay awesome. 

Eternal Prey chapter 9

So. How does Lia react to being told Christine is not a vampire?

Lia thought her head would explode. Too many life-altering events crammed together. She couldn’t get a handle on the bam, bam, bam effect. Sort of like a giant pileup on the interstate during a fog.

You know, when you're fishing for a word you're kind of sort of supposed to actually find a word. That said, never change Nina. I am entirely and completely entertained.

Utah finally stumbles through the obvious--Christine is Seven--and this leaves our heroes still trapped in a vampire storage room. Only with no magical telepathy, and Lia still becoming a vampire because Plot (and also because I don't think I could take another half of a book where the heroine's main motivation is to change species due to Mommy issues)

“Fin had a vision of me. At some point, I’ll be in a position to touch Christine with something symbolic of her number. Fin didn’t see the where or what of it. He did see that I’d be someplace outside with smoke rising behind me.” She took a moment to curse the vagueness of his stupid vision.

WOAH WOAH WOAH BACK THE FUCK UP.

I’ll be in a position to touch Christine with something symbolic of her number.

THAT is how you defeat Zero's immortals? THAT? THAT MAKES NO FREAKING SENSE. 

First of all, since we're now in the universe of symbolism and metaphysics (AKA This Means Whatever You Want It To Mean land) the word "seven" itself is symbolic of the number. There is no connection between "seven" the word and (.......) (count the dots) or, for that matter, 7 the numeral. It's all an agreed-upon symbol for that thing you have when it is one more than six. So you could argue that touching Seven with, IDK, THE WORD SEVEN would do the trick. If this is how these things are beaten Lia could drop a Seven-Eleven sign on Seven and solve everyone's problem.

But there's a bigger problem.

FIN NAMED THE IMMORTALS. Seir and Zero both acknowledged that the names they're using are Fin's invention. He's got this number obsession. Which means that basically you're killing the bad guys with the names the OCD brother gave them that they've agreed to use this time around because they want to humor their fellow immortal.  

WHY WOULD THIS WORK.

  And finally--up until now this was not the vision. The vision was that Lia would be there, she would defeat Christine/Seven and there would be a Thing in her hand, and they needed to find the Thing. NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN the Thing is something symbolic of the number seven, and Lia only has to touch her with it.

Lia tries to convince Utah that her becoming vampire is the best thing to do. Utah does not take this well. Lia has to ask Christine to put Utah in restraints so he doesn't kill somebody, probably Jude, trying to keep Lia human.

Well, she's not changing all her plans for a guy, but she's feeling really guilty. Replace "Vampire" with EVERY OTHER CAREER CHOICE EVER and you can see why Utah is still, true to form, a flaming bag of dicks.

Christine freezes Utah in place, and we've got another continuity error when Lia remembers Eight doing the same thing to Kione back in Philly. SHE BARELY REMEMBERED KIONE. It was like "Oh yeah, you were kind of there" when he was introduced. NOW she remembers somebody else putting him in the magical version of Thorazine? REALLY?

Christine takes them to the garden center in her hardware store. No. REALLY.

They were in the store part, surrounded by gardening tools, pots, and other stuff.
 

"Stuff". That is a very eloquent description. Please continue.

Christine has an altar straight out of a Vincent Price movie. She makes Lia put on dramatic clothing. Lia is more than a little put out by this, but she does.

Oh, and Christine? Is utterly batshit insane:

“I took it over three weeks ago. The first thing I did was drink to the former owner.” She put her fingers over her mouth and giggled. “Oh, wait. I meant that I drank the former owner.”

ALSO: NOBODY TALKS LIKE THAT.

Christine is obsessed with plant life. It is everywhere. And she really likes vampires and demons and were-whatevers, assuming this universe has them. She just doesn't like humans because...oh look, horrible dialogue!

“Don’t block my view when you drain her. I don’t want to miss a single drop. You don’t get this on HBO.”

...obviously you need to get caught up on TrueBlood.

Lia melodramatically looks at Utah one final time...about fifty times, because it's every time she turns around, and she LOVES him and she just MET him and she can't LOVE him and let's look at him again. Jude sinks his teeth in and we cut to Utah's POV.

This is worth noting. It's the first in-chapter POV switch that actually gets its own scene break to indicate it.

 Utah is angry. Utah has rage. Lia has acheived the major goal she's had ever since she was a kid and now Utah is pissed that this should happen and ruin his sexy fun times. Utah smash.

Seven tells him he ought to be happy.

These are both worthless characters and I'd hope they kill each other if I hadn't already finished the book.

Seir shows up, randomly, and says that Seven has ordered him to take Utah to his room. Utah actually pauses to ask him what the hell he's doing.

Which is apparently breaking Utah and Jude out, because this was not his plan.

I am beginning to doubt Seir has a plan. Jude shows up, Utah starts to ask him how they're gonna get out of there, and Seir freaking teleports Utah and Jude to Fin's Condo.

What. You couldn't plot a running fight to escape? Utah could have flung Lia's undead body over one shoulder. It would have been something closer to awesome than this.

I don't think I've ever seen a backfiring Deus Ex Machina before.

Utah realizes he has no fucking idea where Lia is, and decides to go talk to Fin to see if Fin can get Seir to show up and IDK, TELEPORT THEM BACK. Fin is grumpy. The chapter ends with Fin announcing that Seir is going to show up for a family conference in a few minutes, and that he's a little miffy about it.

...I still love this book.

Eternal Prey--Chapter eight

There's supposed to be a big plot twist this chapter, so I'm going to spoil it because THE BOOK ALREADY DOES THAT:

Lia gets turned into a vampire as soon as Utah and her are done fucking.

We know this because she says THIS:

Now things got tricky. “Maybe the last few hours reminded me of my mortality. Maybe I don’t want to pass over to the other side with unfinished business.”

Which is like, the worst excuse for sex ever. And then she follows it up with this:

If that crease between his incredible eyes wasn’t so cute, she’d probably plant her fist right there. How could he not realize what she was trying to say?

BECAUSE HE HAS BEEN SENTIENT LESS THAN THREE MONTHS. WE SHOULD BE GLAD UTAH CAN TALK.

And yeah, she's known him all of two days, and most of that time was spent playing "Anything you can say I can say shittier and meaner because I have to compete with Buffy for "badass" without actually understanding what made Buffy cool."

Ah well. LET THE SEX SCENE COMMENCE. 

 He took her mouth in a long, drugging kiss.

Is it Thorazine? 'Cause that would explain a lot.

His taste. Nothing as dull as toothpaste. He tasted of the elemental and dangerous, of something that beckoned to the wild child in her.

...AKA the flavor of vampire bits stuck between your canines. Utah hasn't brushed since he chewed on the vamps, remember?

“You supersize my feelings, raptor.”

...We're starting to give LKH a run for her "shitty sex dialogue" money here. That's not a good thing.

“I’m thinking that years from now they’ll find my remains, just a pathetic little cinder cone, all that’ll be left of Mount Saint Lia.” 

 Yeah. Like orgasms haven't been compared to volcanic eruptions before. Can we top that for cheese?

“Your words are expanding my feeling field. They’ve gotten all the way to here.” He reached between his thighs and wrapped his fingers around his cock.

...that is the most beautiful line in this book so far. And by "beautiful" I mean that I've been laughing for five minutes straight and I still can't stop. The best part? Those two paragraphs are consecutive.

Now, now, now! She stopped breathing as her orgasm took her and shook her like a giant castanet.

It's precious.

And immediately afterwards Christine flings Jude into the room, and Lia confesses that she's got to become vampire, that she talked Christine into dragging Jude here to be her maker, and she tricked Utah into sex because LOGIC.

Utah does not take this well. After he calms down, he asks Jude to fake it. Jude says he can't. And then Jude drops the bombshell that Christine isn't a vampire, and that's where the chapter ends.

Eternal Prey--chapter seven

So now our band of Dino-souled humans, Otherkin and vampire wannabes are heading off to the bridge they found via Google Maps to go kill other vampires who are the bad guys because Plot Says So, That's Why.

Lia does not trust this. Gee, I can't imagine why.

Bonus Round: I love it when a book has a major, non-evil character turn to another character and say "This plan sucks" in extreme and accurate detail. This means that even the writer's subconsious is saying "THIS IS A VERY BAD PLAN" and the writer didn't listen. Yeah, when that happens? It means the writer knows the plot sucks.

Fin is being arrogant and snitty, Utah is still a flaming bag of dicks, Kione is probably the best character in the book with the exception of Seir, which is probably because both characters are Star Trek clones (Spock and Q) with fantasy hats on.

Utah tells Lia he's worried that she might get dead for-reals while on this little field trip. She says she'll come through alive because her mommy issues won't let anything else happen.

...Once, just once, can these people be motivated by their happy, well-adjusted homelives? If Morticia from the Addams' Family can manage to be a good, supportive mommy there's no reason why Not-Bella's mom couldn't have been more loving and kind. It certainly would have solved most of Lia's issues AND made her desire to be a vampire make fucking sense. Yes. When you are in an abusive relationship with anybody it takes a while for the urge to please them to wear off. But after the first year or so, especially if you're in a healthy situation and didn't make a lateral move (it's not your fault if you do, FYI, but it's not healthy either) you reach a point where you can look at their memory and say "Fuck you" most of the time. Lia has openly acknowledged that her mother sucked. She should be ready to trade in a fucked-up value set for one that actually has meaning.

They visualize making out. Right before they storm Vampire Bridge.

Classy.

Fake-Q asks Fin why he's here. Fin says he's here to keep humans away and to be there in case Seven shows up. Lia reminds him of his vision, and he turns around and shoots his character development in the face. Again:

“My vision showed a possible solution. It wasn’t proof that Seven wouldn’t kick all your asses along the way. I don’t want to be ticking off names on my active roster.”

No. You said that the vision was absolutely going to happen. That Lia would kick Seven's ass, that she did not get a choice. NOW, when there's a need for tension, it's only a POSSIBLE solution. Rather than, you know, a sign that the only person to survive MIGHT be Lia.

You can't do that. You can't assure the reader that a prophesy is set in stone and then waffle when the tension needs building.

A few of the Dino-men become dinosaurs. Fin kills the lights. On the entire bridge. Because he's trying to be inconspicuous and this isn't calling attention to his powers at all.

And then every vampire ever apparently decides to attack. Guess what! Either Adam or Seir set up a trap. Because OF COURSE THEY DID. Both sides benefit more if Fin is disabled and the Dino-team taken out. WHY WOULD YOU TRUST THESE PEOPLE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

The Dino-boys chew on vampires for a while, and then Lia starts waving her hands like "OVER HERE" and a vampire comes and attacks her. Utah goes apeshit and eats him more than he was eating all the other vampires, and Lia protests that they need one alive for questioning. And then, because resolving this plot thread was never the book's goal, a woman shows up.

Randomly. No description. No nothing. Just "HI, LIA. OH AND IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY NO VAMPIRES ATTACKED YOU IT IS BECAUSE I TOLD THEM NOT TO I AM KIDNAPPING YOU NOW GOODBYE!"

And she does. Random Woman touches Lia and teleports away right in front of Utah, and then comes back and kidnaps Utah because HEY WHY NOT.

Yeah, this chick is Chris, AKA Christine. As for her character, think Batman and Robin Poison Ivy:

“I keep my favorites alive. I sip from them and savor their unique flavors.” She leaned down and trailed her tongue over his pounding pulse. “It would be a sin to gulp someone as wonderful as you.”

OH HAI ANITA BLAKE. how did you get in this book AND HOW'S YOUR SEX LIFE?

(...that's a reference to the Room. I don't actually want to know this)

Anyhoo, Chris sexes up Utah, and then leaves to go bring Lia into the room, because Romance Plot is ALWAYS more romantic when one or both of you are tied up, kidnapped and in peril. Lia is shaky, by the way, as if she's been confronted with horror too terrible for words. Chris wants Lia to work for her, same as she wants Utah, and whatever conditions she attached to her offer has Lia almost shattered. Gee, I wonder if it's time for deep character development, sharing, bonding, and escape plann--

“Make love to me, Utah.”

You are in your captor's fucking basement, Lia. I understand that you have the right to have sex without condemnation but NOW IS REALLY NOT THE TIME TO HAVE SEX. Get away from the crazy vampire lady, then have sex.

End of chapter, by the way. It ends with that quoted bit right there.

I've got a long day tomorrow, so it's bedtime.



 

Eternal Prey--chapter 5

Well, blog readers, I'm sorry updates have been spotty. I cannot promise that this won't continue OR that I'm going to meet the blasted deadline for Dragon Breath. I also can't say anything else on the subject. Just know that I'm sorry and I'm doing my best to fix things.

So. Where were we?

Right. Lia and Utah are meeting Seir, Fin's brother. AKA gold-haired Q. Apparently Seir has been stalking Fin and the Dino Corps across the country, and while it's getting rather annoying he's been useful more than once. They'll put up with him.

Like Fin and Zero, Seir is pretty. She likes Utah more.

They discuss things, like family, and how fucked up family can be. He says all he wants is to talk to Fin for a little while, and then he drops that Adam's competition is feeding under a specific bridge and they need to go there. Lia and Utah head back inside. They flirt. She has a headache. They go to bed.

Sir meets with Zero, who is apparently his other brother. We also find out that Fin's real really for real name is not "Infinity", and that he picked that name out for himself, and he picked out Zero's name for him too. So I get the feeling that Fin has the maturity level of your average Mega Man/Sonic fanfic writer, and that the universe is kind of tolerating it.

Seir asks Zero why he doesn't just obliterate the earth with an asteroid, and it is apparently because he thinks the non-humans are kind of cool and that they deserve to fight for their right to party rule the earth . He says if his group fails, he'll just do the asteroid thing again.

The expositional dialogue is horrible:

“Fin and his damn obsession with numbers. Who would name themselves Fin meaning infinity?”

 Better question: WHO WOULD TALK LIKE THAT.

 In the morning Fin lets Lia know that he watched her entire conversation with Seir, I also have to say that I do like the ambiguity around Fin, Seir and Zero. Zero is batshit. Seir is, as I have already said, Q. Fin is not trustable. At all. It's good that we're not entirely sure we're on the right side. Saving the planet is very good, but who are we saving it for? 

What do I not like? 

 “Millions of years ago, I had a series of nine visions. They detailed where and when each of Zero’s immortals could be defeated. The visions also showed me the nine human women necessary to do it.”

Yep. Lia is a Child of Prophesy. A Chosen One. Also apparently she is destined to defeat Seven. He gives her no clues, but he accepts this vision thing as a gosh darn given. Oh, it's presented as them needing her, but not as if she has any choice in the matter. Nope, you're already going to do it. Get used to your new role as savior of the human race. Lia even asks "what if I walk away" and Fin replies thusly:

“You won’t. The visions don’t lie. It will happen. The tough part will be finding whatever you were holding in your hand.”

See, the problem with making your wonderful heroic heroine a Child of Prophesy is it kind of takes her agency out of the equation. This isn't happening because Lia is a good and strong and durable heroine who takes no shit from no one ever. Nope. It's happening because Fin had a vision. Even Lia voices surprise that the heroines of this age are "Nine human women".

...speaking of which, if the heroines are women, what the fuck are the dinos for? Are they bait? They are.

Yeah, so that part's kind of icky.

 Fin scares the shit out of Lia by showing her a hint of his true nature--again, who are we saving the earth for?--and Kione shows up. It's like watching a Doberman circle a Felia Brasillero, and Kione is the doberman. You're out of your league, Mr. Dark Sex Elf.

Oh, and Fin talked to Lia's dad:

Fin smiled at Lia. “I spoke with your father. I assured him you hadn’t asked the first vampire you met to change you.”
Ew.

Lia was not amused. “Dad needs to stop checking on me.” Every time her father did something like that it reminded her of the insecure little girl who wasn’t brave enough or strong enough to make her mother love her. She hated the feeling.

Yeah, so Lia's motivation with this whole "ruler of Philly vampires" thing is not, you know, power or wanting to do a good job or any of that jazz. It's her mommy issues. And her Daddy is probably planning a shotgun wedding with the creep that turns her because this is just not creepy enough.

...But it's still not Anita Blake.

And then we meet the best part of the book's batshit insanity.

His name is Greer. He appears in this scene and this scene only. He gets no real development. He doesn't really do much at all. Why is he here? Why do I find him so very very very entertaining?

“Greer is Otherkin. His soul is tiger, but it’s trapped forever in his human body.”

Greer is Otherkin

Greer is Otherkin

Greer is Otherkin

Otherkin  

Now, if you've been on the 'net longer than a few minutes you probably ought to know what this is. If you do not, well...let's see if I can do this tactfully.

 There are people who believe exactly what it says up there. Their souls are Insert Animal Here, they are trapped in a human body, and they want to get out but they can't, and they can feel their animal form poking out sometimes, animal instincts and whatnot. They look human, they were born and raised human, but they really are a wolf complete with instincts and pack behavior.

Oh, but this particular rabbit hole gets even better. 

See, far as I can tell Nina Bangs is using this Very Special Internet Term wrong, and it is rather sad that I actually know this. What she's describing (IRL animal in human body) is more frequently called a Therianthrope. "Otherkin" are people who believe their souls are well...other. Elves. Fairies. Dragons and basically anything from Tolkienesque DND. There's another layer called Otaku-kin, but we won't be going into that one just now.
.
And it was not until I read that term in this book that I realized there are some Very Special Internet Things that should never appear off the internet ever. Especially in something trying to mainstream. First, because it makes you laugh very very hard. Second, because the mainstream thing will get it very wrong (the furry CSI episode, anyone?).  

I am not going to say that all Therianthropes and whateverKin are crazy, because there probably are a lot of sane ones out there, and if I get to believe in a three day old zombie-god who died for my sins, you get to believe that your soul is a tiger. BUT HOLY FUCKING SHIT does this attract a lot of insanity. 

 Meanwhile, Kione reveals that he straight up murdered a clan of vampires, leaving only five survivors that nobody but Jude (that vampire from a few chapters ago) would touch. Jude took them in. They got their revenge by torturing Kione with a very painful curse. The only thing he can wear is this enchanted robe that keeps the pain away. He's here to kill those last five vampires so that he won't hurt anymore.

. Fin decides to draw off Kione's pain into himself so that Kione will become his buddy rather than Adam's. He does, only Utah's pack instincts kick in and he decides to interrupt to spare his master the pain. Things get icky almost immediately. The pain goes into Utah, and somehow Lia takes some of it too...and then everything gets better and somebody goes to get Kione a shirt.

So that was completely pointless.

They discuss the Burnside Bridge, where Seir said Adam's enemy is feeding. They decide to look it up on Google Maps. 

Yes. Google Maps. It's in the book. 

They decide the best thing to do to capture the vampire is provide bait. 

Namely, themselves.

End of chapter.



 

Art-related things!

Alright, folks. I've been considering and debating it for a while, and now it is official: BOOK COVERS FOR ALL.

Information is here.

If you are interested (or you have a friend who is interested) CONTACT ME PLEASE. Everything is negotiable.Please spread the word amongst yourselves and your buddies.

Eternal Prey--Chapter Five

It is now time to ramp up the romantic tension. Oh, goody.

Lia and Utah are driving through the darkness, and Lia is thinking about how much her life sucks. Admittely, she's right--abusive vampire-mom, generally lousy upbringing, constant death threats and the knowledge that she has to either hit un-death or death-death--and we'd be kind of interested if she were not CONSTANTLY WHINING ABOUT IT. I have UNDERPLAYED the amount of "Oh I'm no good as a human I'm going to be a vampire soon THE VAMPIRES ARE MY PEOPLE" that Lia does in every. single. chapter. 

 By the way, Kione? He's evesdropping on her thoughts. And he's irritated that she's so very boring. Kione is my man.

Except for the whole "Violating thoughts" thing. That's icky.

Kione also points out that the urge for sexy-sexy with Utah is entirely hers. She has to be actively looking at him for the urge to sex to kick in. I seem to remember that not quite working like that, but how should I know. But hey, at least this isn't chock full of unsexy non con fantas--

Kione’s laughter was a harsh rejection of Utah’s sympathy. “You think that no one ever looks at me? Think again, raptor. I have my own army of stalkers, beings that can only feel sexual excitement when they’re looking at me. I’m not always the user.” Bitterness laced his last sentence.

...oh. Okay then.

Utah and Lia discover that Kione doesn't have a change of clothes. This takes a couple paragraphs to resolve. I think the point is OH UTAH FEELS SYMPATHY but it's more like "sixth-grade slumber party".

Lia wonders why Utah's so akward when it comes to caring, and then she remembers: DINOSAUR. IS NOT USED TO HUMAN EMOTIONS. KIND OF FORGETS HOW TO HUMAN FROM TIME TO TIME.

Lia reports to Adam that they now have a name: Chris. Which narrows it down by approximately nothing, which Adam is very quick to point out. (Seriously. That doesn't even give us a probable gender)

Lia asks for a bedroom with a real bed and a bathroom, because apparently Adam's closest thing to accomodations are cots or coffins and Lia wants neither. Utah backs her up, threatening to make like Barney if Adam doesn't provide them with rooms with plumbing.

Then Kione adds his two cents to the pot:

Kione moved to the front of the pack. “I side with Utah and Lia. This might be a safe vampire haven, but it really sucks in the comfort category. Don’t try to make us stay. That would upset me. I do things when I’m upset. Like bringing the tunnels down around your head. No more hidey-hole, and the city won’t be happy when a bunch of their buildings fall down.”

...Kione needs to stop talking. It kind of ruins his "scary Vulcan" vibe.

Adam and Kione have a magical staring contest. Papers fly everywhere, bright lights happen, and when it's over Adam kow-tows to the elf.

Utah warns Lia that Adam will kill her when this is over. Lia repeats her whole "I will be vampire" thing. They decide since Adam said he doesn't care where they go, they'll all go back to Fin's condo. Another dinosaur is already there in human form, and he tries to have a staring match with Kione.

Gig transferred his glare to Kione and her. Mostly to Kione. “What’s he?” 

Kione stepped forward. “He is a member of the unseelie court. And he doesn’t have to turn into a freaking prehistoric monster to drill your ass through that wall. And he is in a rotten mood, so back off.”

I don't know which is more precious. Kione's shitty attitude or a shapeshifting dino named "Gig".

 Gig is a Gigantosaurs. Basically, he's Godzilla. And he does not give a fuck. Utah has to threaten him with "the containment room" for him to back down. Apparently "Al" got thrown in there and it made him miserable. So they have a time-out room too.

Gig and Lia trade barbs while he takes them all to the bedroom. The dialogue is nothing to write home about.

Sexual tension continues. Apparently Utah's body heat is enough to light candles in the vacinity. Either that, or we're describing imaginary third digree burns because those are totally sexy. They apologize to each other for being, well, themselves, and make food. They sit together and discuss who gets to watch what on the television.

Lia asks him what he was before he was a raptor. He remembers something but it's not enough to describe. Fin is apparently sitting on these memories and they never come into play in this book.

And then they start kissing.

...apparently Lia tastes like Vanilla and citrus. Okay then. They play until Utah realizes he's about to get scaly--and feathery, if science is right--and Lia decides to stop handling his "little animal" and let him get back under control. He's pissy about it, which means it doesn't take long for him to hit "normal".

Oh, and the first time I read this book, I snorted soda up my nose at this part:

Time for hard truths. “No matter how human I look, I’m still raptor here.” He tapped his heart. “When my brain shuts down, and my senses take over, the beast runs free. Oh, I might not change forms, but he’s still in control. He doesn’t understand words like ‘gentle’ and ‘foreplay.’ He goes for the kill every time.” As explanations went, that was an epic fail. Sounded like he had zero control.

Yeah. "Epic fail" belongs on image macros. Not books.

And then RANDOM GUY contacts Utah telepathically. And by RANDOM I mean RANDOM:

“Forgot to introduce myself. Seir, the bad seed. Hurry. Fin’s not paying attention right now. Don’t know how long that will last. Have to strike while the iron is hot and all that crap.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, we are about to meet the book's Q. The chapter ends with Utah stating that this is "Fin's brother".

Eternal Prey--Chapter Four

Lia thinks about how Utah is worried about her. She thinks about how he doesn't see her as a vampire--she isn't one, and I actually really like this dynamic. It's dysfunctional as all hell, but I do like that Lia doesn't see herself as human because she wasn't raised around them. It fits--and then thinks about how terrible her mother was.

Utah and Kione go to skulk around in the rainy shadows--of course it is fucking raining--and Lia thinks for a minute, goes "fuck that noise" and heads to the nearest bar, figuring:

why would any self-respecting vampire be out here in the cold and rain when the bar across the street held a full menu of drunken humans?

I think if this book has one major flaw--other than the bat-shit insanity, which isn't a flaw IMHO--it is that Nina Bangs (snerk) likes her some adjectives. She likes them even when they blow the flow, or they repeat something we probably already know. It's a bar. OF COURSE THE PEOPLE IN IT ARE DRUNK.

Lia then decides to dress in her hunting outfit.

 Lia pulled open her coat to assess her battle gear. Leather pants, calf-high boots, and a cute top. She changed cute to sexy with some strategic unbuttoning. Before slipping her makeup case back into her coat pocket, she took out a pair of dangly earrings and put them on. Then she checked her pants pocket to make sure she had enough money for some drinks. Finally, she ran her fingers through her hair and let her curls do their thing.

Well, at least they're not thigh high boots, but we REALLY need to back Paranormal Fantasy off that leather cliff, because leather pants suck.

Lia attracts her vampire by ordering a drink--Amaretto Sour, could be worse, it depends on what kind of sour this bar uses and if they're keeping it in the same fridge as the pickles (pro-tip: Don't do this. Ever.)--and then by bleeding. She pricks her finger and smears the blood around until somebody asks what a pulse like her is doing in a place like this.

This brings up another point: It's the blood that attracted the vamp. Why did Lia have to dress all cutsie? She isn't taking the coat off, and in fact probably has to keep it in her lap because she is still wearing her samuri sword into the bar. Which means the bouncers here SUCK, no pun intended.

She acts bubbly and innocent until they get outside. He admits he's a vampire. She actually manages to giggle the bad guy's name out of him--Chris--and then the vampire collapses in agony. By the way, the giggling takes about two paragraphs. It's a little too easy. I'm also starting to think that Nina is an Eddings fan, because this baddie-can't-talk thing reads a little too much like the opening scenes of Domes of Fire.

Lia needs to deal with her vampire-in-agony before things get too bad. There are probably several ways to do this, and she chooses this one:

 She glanced around to make sure no one was looking before unsheathing her sword and plunging it into his back. Then she wiped the blade on a convenient patch of grass and returned it to its scabbard.

In the parking lot of a bar, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and she's not trying to kill him. In fact, she tells him to suck it up and then get his ass out of Portland before she actually has a reason to make him dead. er.

(Another especially amusing layer to this story: Corpus Christi, TX, where I'm from? There's this smaller town outside of it called, you guessed it, Portland. So unless I focus really hard this is all defaulted to the parking lot outside of Portland's Kmart, which is probably the only place in Portland TX where you can even FIND a bar. It probably isn't that amusing to anybody else, due to Portland, OR being the famous one, but it gets a couple extra giggles from me)

However, I do think that Ms. Bangs is also a fan of Laurel K. Hamilton. Why?

Adam is out to kill any vampires who’re joining up with the new flavor in town. And the new flavor is going down very soon.

 Kione then announces via telepathy that Utah has a hit. Lia leaves her former drinking buddy bleeding on the asphalt and heads out.

Utah, meanwhile, is bitching about how his soul is too close to the surface and it has needs. One for violence, one for sex. Kione isn't helping, and yep, he really wants to screw Lia.

Oh hey, there's a vampire! He decides to go in for the kill. Except his brother Tor has just showed up randomly, and after talking together LOUDLY they decide to do the hunt together.

...Utah in his raptor form is about twenty feet long. And I know, I KNOW you guys are thinking of the kitchen scene in Jurassic Park...but there's one little problem with the whole dinosaur-badass model that I just remembered. I'd like to know if Nina Bangs also noticed this, but she doesn't actually describe Utah as a dino, save for stating that you can see the shadow of his human form within him (somehow) and that he's twenty feet long. But science kind of stole a lot of a raptor's badass street cred. See, according to the fossil record? Dinosaurs had feathers, and their arms apparently looked like adorable little wings.

Which means that Utah's basically a twenty foot killer chicken. Fully capable of killing you with his impressive toenails, but still:

This is what Wikipedia says a Utahraptor looks like. HE'S SMILING AT YOU.

And oh, yeah, IT IS RAINING. We will now pause for a moment while you imagine a girl with a ninja sword and that twenty foot wet chicken-lizard opening a can of murder on a couple of vampires.

Utah and Tor beat the vampires around until Kione shows up and casually flings Utah against a wall. He gets pissy when he sees Tor, but fortunately Tor has two brain cells and less testosterone and he talks the killer elf (snerk) down until everybody's civilized again.

Tor and Lia exchange hellos. We get another variation on the "Vampires aren't people--yes they are" arguement that adds nothing to the story, but this one is mercifully breif.

Kione questions one vampire using magic that literally fries the dude's brain. Smoke drifts out of the vampire's nose. Lia defends the other one, arguing that the dude is only a couple years dead and he was a teenager when he got turned. Kione tries to push and Utah randomly backs Lia up. I guess we're working on the "we're getting along now" part of the road to fucking. Kione just decides to wipe the vampire's mind and give him a brand new set of memories. And then he does it to the still-living human that the vampires were eating, because having a human tell the press about what he saw would fuck up the story, I guess. It's a cheap get out of jail free card and it irks me.

Kione tries to push the "vampires need killing" arguement, but Lia gets a telepathic call from Adam that nobody else hears, thus ending the scene before things get sticky.

The chapter ends with Utah looking at Lia and thinking about where he's going to sleep tonight. And yes. It fully implies that he wants it to be in Lia's bed.

I love this book. I love it so much.

Eternal Prey--chapter three

So Adam has summoned Utah's new partner.

It's an unseelie fae elf.

This is a book that contains men possessed by the ghosts of dead dinosaurs, the Mayan 2012 prophesy, cell phones, vampires, cars, immortal number beings and now elves.

I want you to take that in for a moment before we continue. Okay? Okay.

The elf's name is Kione. Everyone immediately notices, this dude is pretty.

Meanwhile, Utah is having past issues again:

First, Utah didn’t trust Kione. Yeah, so he didn’t trust many people outside of the Eleven. And even the Eleven were iffy except for Tor. Utah was too close to his past to trust anyone but pack. Besides, he sensed that Kione was a loner. No pack would ever hold him.

Again: "past" equals "before he was sentient". Factor that in, and Utah sounds like he's one broken stick away from going full on godzilla-raptor on your ass.

...I also still can't get over the naming convention. The Dino-Boys get a pass because this whole "thinking actual thoughts" thing is only a couple months old for them, but Fin et al are friggin immortal beings of immense power (who act like Jeremy Irons). Are numbers seriously the best they can come up with? I mean, I can come up with a few better. The Cretaceous Club. The League of Extraordinary Tyrannosaurs. And if you have to be a number, pick a cool number. (Mine would be Pi. ALL OF IT.)

 Adam tells Utah that Kione is a fitting partner for a dinosaur.

Lia, of course, responds in kind:

“A worthy partner? What am I, day-old blood?”

And it takes effort to turn her back on Kione, because he is, how you say, le sex.

And of course, Utah, who did not know Lia yesterday, feels all roar-protector over Lia being humiliated. I'd say something about how she's human and therefor squishy, but humiliating her is kind of Adam's whole point, so I'm gonna give Utah a couple brownie points.

Meanwhile,. Utah starts checking out the summoning spell, which uses human blood. "Only the best to get the best" is what Adam says. Only he actually was trying to nab himself a demon. I guess summoning spells have such a thing as a wrong number. (God, could you imagine trying to dial summon-an-imp and instead you get Cthulhu in the middle of a nap?)

 I think I've pointed out more than once that NOBODY in this book has gotten more than a sentence worth of description. We know that Utah is big and he has "predator" eyes and that he looks like Tor. We know that Lia is blond and leggy. We know that Fin glitters and is pretty, and that Adam has weird eyes. Got it? Mkay. Here's Kione's description:

Fine, so calling Kione a man understated what he was by a few light-years. He was over six feet, but she couldn’t tell much about his body because he’d wrapped himself in a dark cloak. But that was okay, because Kione was all about his face. And his face was all about sex. From the perfect lines of his jaw and cheekbones, to the curve of sensual male lips, to intense forest green eyes framed by thick dark lashes, he oozed erotic promises. A woman might die from the pleasure of what he did to her body, but she’d die happy. And if he chose to trail his smoke-dark hair across her bared flesh, he’d leave first-degree burns behind.

So apparently dial-an-imp connects to Merry Gentry's harem, and the descriptive paragraphs come with. That said, I kind of like that last sentence.


Neither Lia and Utah want Kione as a partner because Kione makes them want the sexy-sexy. Not just with Kione either. Lia is about to jump Utah, and that's not me, that's the text saying that.


Adam, meanwhile, is outlining that he wants the competition to end. He trapped one of his "lost sheep" and tortured the everloving shit out of him until he got enough to say the competitor is definitely a vampire. They know nothing else.

We watch Adam humiliate his underlings for a while--mostly by making Jude give Lia his car, thus replacing the one that got squished offscreen--and then he informs Utah that when he stops being useful, Adam is going to kill him because Utah's hobby is killing vampires. And oh GOD I love the dialogue in this book:

Adam nodded. “Don’t worry, though. I won’t do it until you’re no longer an employee. Oh, and I never got a chance to explain company benefits: full health and paid funeral expenses. No retirement plan. You won’t need it.”

I think it's supposed to be a threat.

It's kind of precious.

Utah and Kione troop out of the room, and Adam tells Lia that when they're done, Lia is to kill Utah. She sighs and rolls her eyes and follows after the boys.

Seriously. That's her entire reaction.

Upstairs, they get into the car. Lia and Utah try not to make out. Apparently Kione intercepted the "inbound demon" (...that makes it sound like an airport. Traffic control in hell must be a pain) and the effect of the summoning has amped up his sexual compulsion. He's not sorry. They get out of the car.  Jude and Utah have a pissing contest over Jude's car. Because they are friends-ish, and Utah does need a car, but

 it’s mine, so no one else should be driving it.”

Jude. What are you, two?

He gets all vampiry and Utah's inner fossil threatens to come out, but nothing happens and they all pile back into the car.

Utah decides they need a plan. Kione offers this one:

Kione stared out the window. “We search until we find a vampire. We ask some questions. If we don’t get the right answers, we find another one. Does that sound like a plan to you?”

Right.

Utah says no, but they decide to go where Utah usually finds vampires to kill, and do fuck if I know. On the drive over, everybody sulks because Kione's sexy and it's pissing everyone off.

Whatever the unseelie prince was doing, it was messing with Utah’s sex drive. His gas pedal was stuck, and he’d just burned out his emergency brake.

That's cute. And it keeps on like that for a couple paragraphs, but I'm actually just happy that it's just cheesy sexual metaphores and innuendo, because if this were AB/MG we'd be pulled over playing hide the salami about six pages ago. (...actually if this were Anita Blake we'd still be heading into the summoning basement.)

Utah asks if Kione got his rocks off making everyone else...um, want to get their rocks off. Kione explains that the Fae do not feel emotion.

So elves in this universe are basically Mr. Spock.

Live long and procreate.

Kione then explains that he will live until he decides to "end it" and that he's considered this more than once. So we've got suicidal elf-Spock, a vampire with anger issues, a Jurassic Park reject and Bella Swan with a spine.

This book is the definition of the mind-fuck.

Oh, and just in case you thought I was maybe exaggerating a little about "Bella with a sword" Lia is wandering around this modern day city where the paranormal is definitely not out of the coffin/broom closet/kennel/whatever with her sword hidden under her trench coat. Because this isn't conspicuous at all.

Lia tells Utah that she'll get pissed if he kills too many vampires, or as she puts it:

“I might forget we’re partners if I show up to find you surrounded by the bodies of my people.”

Utah gets equally pissed and says that humans are Lia's people.

This does not go over well.

The chapter ends with them splitting up so that they can cover more ground.

...is it like a rule that people in paranormal mysteries just don't watch horror movies? I mean, if you're hunting vampires/werewolves/dino-ghosts/whosawhatsis from planet Mars, you'd think you'd know better than to say "I'll be right back" EVER AT ANY POINT.

Whatever.