Chelsea Gaither's Blog, page 23

Danse Macabre--chapter 12

Richard spends the first few pages of chapter twelve snuggling with naked Anita and contemplating the texture of Jean Claude's hair. Jean Claude is frozen because Richard is touching him and OMG too much movement might freak Richard out and send him into a snit of homophobia! It's like we're watching Elmer Fudd go creeping across the screen, muttering "Be wery wery quiet. We're hunting straight guys."

Once again, I'm getting that weird whiplash feeling. I am in no way qualified to make this commentary, but I thought Homophobia didn't equal "I don't want that person to touch me" unless there's a "because they're gay" attached to it. (Correct me if I'm wrong, PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong, but "I don't want you touching me because I'm not attracted to you" seems to be like, a baseline for human rights.) Richard's issue doesn't seem to be "Ew, gay people". It seems to be that he's straight, and his sexual boundaries are continually and consistently crushed by Anita and Jean Claude, and he's starting to overreact because that's what continual traumatic experiences do. He never goes on a homophobic "Gays are evil" rant, he just says "I don't want that. I don't want that. Please stop, I said I don't want that. Please stop touching me. Please stop. PLEASE FUCKING STOP I HAVE ASKED YOU VERY NICELY" until he snaps and starts screaming--and even then it's still "I TOLD YOU I DO NOT LIKE THAT AND I ASKED YOU TO STOP." and not "OMG I HATE GAYS." And the only non-straight person Richard ever seems to interact with is Jean Claude, who has the sexual boundaries of an octopus. We don't get to see how he interacts with someone who isn't constantly shoving himself onto Richard. He has the exact same reaction to Anita. Anita is basically walking all over Richard's limits on a weekly basis, and justifying it because it's just Richard's homophobia. Yes. Richard not wanting to have psychic sex with a woman is his homophobia. Explain that, blog-readers. Explain that.

FYI that's a textbook abuser tactic. First, demonize a behavior you don't like, then crush it or ignore it somehow, then explain how justified you are in crushing said behavior because it's just a socially inappropriate reaction and your victim will become a better person for being repeatedly crushed. Bonus points for dressing it up in religion. "Oh, you're not being a good Christian right now because you're drinking, so it's okay for me to hit you/lock you up/do this other thing to do. I'm making you a better person." "Yes, Richard. Let me expose you to sexual situations you do not like because it'll make you a better person. It's not that you're not enjoying this. It's just your homophobia talking."

It's also rather interesting that even though this series is on an "It's okay to be gay" kick, it's apparently only okay when there's a woman (this being Anita) involved. Seriously. Name one gay couple in this series--ONE--that isn't villianized that doesn't involve Anita somewhere. Asher and Jean Claude? Anita. Auggie and Jean Claude? Anita. Asher and Narcissus? Oh, it's a bad, twisted, evil relationship and he needs to come back to the magic vag. Yeah, I'll find the bullshit with Richard to be something like active commentary on gay rights when gay people (or ANY people) are allowed to exist outside of Anita's sphere of sex and not be little demon people.

So the Cape Cod master and his oldest son show up at the door, and we get a few pages of Anita and Jean Claude's robes.

His is furry, hers is not. They're both black. Note how quickly Anita cooperated with Richard's request that she put clothes on.

Richard then takes the blame for what happened in the room. Because it's not enough for Anita to be a textbook abuser. Now we need to have textbook victim responses too.

“Some nights I hate you, Jean-Claude, but if I’d been with Anita tonight, touching her, Augustine wouldn’t have been able to roll her.

"If I stay with him, he won't drink as much." "If I put out, he won't hit me/the children". "If I do this, then the abuser won't do the behavior I dislike so much." Right. Richard wants out of this relationship bad, so anything that happens to the other people in it is his fault. And he's accepted this blame.

Folks, you are not responsible for what another person does. You are never responsible for someone else's behavior. It is their choice to do it. They can choose not to. You are not obligated to prostrate your life in front of someone else's addiction or sex drive, or political ambitions, or anything else. You always ALWAYS ALWAYS have the right to say no and leave.

But Richard basically says "I promise to support you guys and never leave again" and the chapter ends with Anita wondering how true he can keep to that promise. Because it's not like he isn't promising to cooperate with his rapist or anything.

Wait. He totally is.

Danse Macabre--chapter 11

I think my problem with having Richard show up--other than, you know, the obvious--is that means whatever progression we've made in terms of plot goes out the window. Given that "progression" cannot be air-quoted enough with these books, that is so fucking significant it isn't even funny. When a character sets your series back by several plot arcs? GET RID OF THE CHARACTER. HE (or she) IS NOT HELPING THE FUCKING STORY.

Richard is so pissed that he's got Claudia the were-rat's hackles up, and she's showing Anita that Claudia really is Super Rat under the mousy exterior (I couldn't resist. I'm sorry).

Richard also reminds me of drunk calling your ex. Not actually drunk calling, but the fantasy that preceeds it. You come up with the story that you ABSOLUTELY BELIEVE will bring them running, and if you're lucky you manage to pass out before you reach the phone.

Richard is actively "spoiling for a fight", which is a term I've always hated. Anita thinks that it's more like her than him, which would be something we both agree on if Richard actually had anything resembling a character. JC gets out of the tub first to go soothe Richard, and Anita gets out of the tub and towels off. She spends a second looking at herself in the mirror and hoping that Richard gets aroused looking at her.

He looked at me with that rage-filled face, and the moment he saw me, his eyes filled with such pain, as if the sight of me like that was a knife blow straight through his heart. I was sorry for the pain, but happy about the reaction.

You. Wish.

Moving on.

Richard screams about "How could you do that with him?" And for a minute I'm thinking we're about to go into homophobia City while we demonize Richard for not wanting to have sex with men. (It's kind of amazing how this series manages to do both at once) but that's not it at all.

Richard lowered his hands, and his eyes were pure chocolate brown. He’d swallowed some of that awful, burning power. “You helped him rape the Master of Chicago.”

ANITA HAS BEEN TOLD.

It's not gonna last, we're going to justify this and turn it into Richard is Wrong in a minute, but let's all just enjoy the moment while it lasts. Anita just raped an entire city, and Richard is calling her on her shit.

(Also, can I point how ungodly squicky it is that Richard is magically tied to his rapist? In that he senses every time she rapes someone else the way she did him? I think that was a horror movie plot, only the sexes were reversed and the rapist wasn't the protagonist.)

 And then the hypocracy just flows like fucking wine. "I WOULD NEVER RAPE ANYONE AND NEITHER WOULD JEAN CLAUDE."

ANITA. YOU. JUST. DID.

And then Richard says "Well, did the other guy really pick a fight with you?" becasue THAT totally justifies everything. Jean Claude decides to send all the bodyguards out of the room because it accomplishes...something. Anita realizes one of the bodyguards wants to have sex with her. She'll have to do something about that later.

Richard asks her to please put something on, she's making him very nervious. They then discuss the vampire politics, including the "they'll probably kill us all" part, which makes Richard start asking if this gathering thing really was that great of an idea. Jean Claude doesn't really answer. Jean Claude and Richard then go over the list of all the local vampries who could become Anita's new fuck toy because why not?

And of course things descend into the relm of emotional breakdowns and the chapter closes with Anita cradling Richard's head in her lap because of course she does.

It amazes me how someone can spend so much time writing something and have absolutely nothing happen.

Danse Macabre--chapter 10

And now we're in a bathtub.

You know, for somebody who takes a bath every other fucking chapter, Anita really has terrible hygene. Just sayin'.

Oh, and in the opening paragraph Anita poo-poos a guy having hysterics because, you know, Anita just psychically raped him.

If he’d had more guards with him, and we’d had less, it could have gotten violent, but when you’re outnumbered, outmuscled, and your master is saying, Let it go, well, Octavius had to eat it. He didn’t like it, neither did Pierce, but Haven, of the Cookie-Monster-blue hair, was voting with Auggie. They both liked us just fine.

Anita has Lovecraftian rape powers. She just freaking used them, and her side is telling one of her victims to "let it go". HOW IS SHE NOT THE BAD GUY. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THE PROBLEMS HERE. HOW.

"Oh, it was a visit from the orgasm fairy. Didn't that make you feel good? WHY YOU MAD BRO?"

Good fucking God. I could see some of this as understandable, but this rape-power thing is utterly fucking oblivious. HOW DO YOU NOT SEE THIS. HOW. HOW DO YOU MAKE THE VICTIMS THE WHINY HATERS WHEN YOU ARE THE PERSON RAPING.

By being a rapist at heart. That's how. Not kidding, not joking. Read too many transcripts for that to be funny. EVERYTHING is justified by orgasm. By your orgasm, specifically, but it's happy rapist bonus points if the victim has one too. That way you can say they wanted it. WHY IS THIS WOMAN STILL THE HEROINE OF ANYTHING?

Even Jean Claude is hiding from Anita. She starts pushing because he's got the marks shut down and she's not used to it. Then she remembers she's supposed to be pregnant, and is all like "No, no, it's cool, it's cool. Keep the marks shut down, everything is fine." Yeah, because it's all fine and dandy when you want to keep a secret.

Jean Claude is all like "...are you serious? You're not going to push? You're gonna let me have my privacy?" and it's kind of pathetic how happy he gets.

And then...Oh GOD I am so glad I'm not drinking anything tonight. I would have just spewed across my monitor. I'm laughing so hard right now I can't even fucking talk.

So Anita starts going on and on and ON AND FUCKING ON about Jean Claude's eyelashes. He's got Elizabeth Taylor's eyelashes. And then they're lace.

I am not fucking kidding.

Until then, they were just this unbelievable lace around his eyes.

I'm picturing long overlays of brussel's lace, trailing down his cheekbones and flickering every time he blinks.

Oh, and it turns out that the emergency that kept Jean Claude from the Masters room was a fight between Requiem and Meng Die over, you guessed it, Requiem fucking Anita. Because Meng De LOVES Requiem and Anita's magical va-jay-jay STOLE him and ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO ANITA'S COOTER.

Not just Anita. Her reproductive system. There isn't one thing in this story that doesn't go back to the magical vag. Plot? VAGINA. Character development? VAGINA. Pregnancy Scare? DO NOT MAKE ME EXPLAIN BIOLOGY.

We've taken a character that was interesting and kick ass and stuffed her into her own genetalia. WHY.

Anita and JC discuss why Anita won't let Requiem back into her bed.

“To my knowledge, the only man you have never said no to is your Nimir-Raj, Micah.

OH BULL FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING VOLCANODUMPING SHIT. THAT. IS NOT. WHAT HAPPENED. STOP TRYING TO RET-CON MICAH RAPING ANITA IN THE MOTHERHUMPING SHOWER. IF YOU DID NOT INTEND TO WRITE IT YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE WRITTEN IT. SHE. SAID. NO. MULTIPLE TIMES. THE ONLY REASON SHE COULD NOT GET OUT OF THE ROOM IS BECAUSE THE DOOR OPENED INWARD AND MICAH WAS LEANING AGAINST IT. BEGGING TO BE LET OUT OF THE ROOM CONSTITUTES A FUCKING NO.

If you want Anita to have a relationship with the asshole who raped her THAT'S FINE. Okay, it's not fine, but it's an element that you've elected to have in your story. DEAL. WITH. THAT. ELEMENT. DO NOT TRY TO WRITE IT OUT OF EXISTENCE.

Jean Claude presses Anita to give Requiem a good answer for not fucking him. There are soap operas less concerned about fucking than this series. Anita says that she doesn't have a good reason. JC says that Meng Die almost killed Requiem and Asher in front of witnesses, and he needs her to either shape up or die, and getting Requiem back is probably the only thing that'll fix it.

BECAUSE SEX IS OUR ONLY PRIORITY. RIGHT.

Anita says she has seven lovers already, that's plenty. Statistically, yes, but apparently statistics don't mean shit in this book.

Jean Claude tells Anita that in terms of mantaining the ardeur, she's acting like a woman with anorexia. And there is a whole universe of implications re: Anita having an ED that I am not going to touch because FUCK IS THAT SQUICKY.

Basically he tells her the entire fight is Anita's fault, the entire scene with the Masters is Anita's fault, and that it'll keep happening if she doesn't get the Ardeur settled and find herself a brand new blood apple. THE WORLD WILL END IF ANITA DOES NOT FIND A NEW MAN.

Also, Requiem is hunting Anita because he had a female arduer-ed lover that Belle killed because BELLE IS AN EVIL HATER COMPETING FEMALE, and now he's going after Anita because she's a good replacement.

Jean Claude then confesses that if their powers keep growing he might end up owning all of America with his penis. andtheothermastersmighttrytokillthem SO LETS EXPARIMENT WITH OUR NEW SEX POWERS.

AND THEN RICHARD SHOWS UP.

end of chapter.

I got nothin, kids.

Dance Macabre--chapter 9

It's a sex scene. We've read a million of these already. Lots of mouth action. Lots of spilling. Lots of nonsense. No sign of actual consent. Lots of violent language for things that should be, you know, non violent in the context of sex.

Something I did raised Auggie up off the ground as their mouths touched,

We don't need to know what this is. We just need to know that it's something. Anita did something.

My body reacted for me; the sight of them kissing just flat did it for me. I’ve been told that it’s how a lot of men feel about seeing two women kiss. Why should I be any different?

You know, maybe it's because it's them kissing. It's a moment that is, in theory, completely theirs. They are not permitting you to watch. You're just kind of there, and you're getting off on something that doesn't involve you.

This is not sexy. It's creepy and a little disgusting. I so did not wake up today thinking "Gee, I wonder what being inside the head of a Peeping Tom feels like."


LKH then does that whole "His body" thing to describe a man's penis, and it kind of backfires because she's talking about his body--specifically, his abs--in the start of the paragraph, and then we're talking about kissing up the hard curve of his body and it took me a second to understand the hard curve was actually a penis. There's a reason genitalia have names. It's so we avoid the confusion of going from navel to head without a transitory phrase.

Anita then starts describing giving a blow job, which is actually something I can't read due to personal issues, so I'm going to assume it's a thrillingly beautiful description of giving head and leave it at that.

...and now we're in full on homo-erotica. I did not expect that. Neither, apparently, did Anita, seeing as how Auggie was spelunking Anita's cavern with his johnson at the time.

And just in case we had any hope whatsoever for Anita being a heroine, we get this paragraph:

We didn’t just feed off Augustine, we fed off all his people in our territory. I felt Haven, the werelion, spasm against the floor, where he still lay in the fallen curtains. I felt Benny, behind the wheel of a car, lose control and have to screech to the side of the highway. Pierce fell against a wall and slid to the floor, his body spasming. Octavius collapsed on the stairs, choking, clawing at the stone, breaking his nails to bloody bits to try to keep it from happening. But nothing could save them, any of them. If we’d been in Chicago we could have fed off every beast and vamp that owed allegiance to Auggie, and he would have let us. For this pleasure he would have sold what was left of his soul and the souls of everyone who worked for him.

The fucking Great Old Ones are not half as terrifying as that. LOOK AT THAT. One of 'em has orgasms in curtains. Fine. ANOTHER ONE HAS IT BEHIND THE WHEEL. NO WARNINGS. Next time there's a five car pileup in St. Louis, I guess it's 'cause Anita and JC bumped uglies. THE TEXT ITSELF SAYS THAT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT PEOPLE NEED TO BE SAVED FROM.

ANITA. JUST RAPED DOZENS OF PEOPLE FROM A DISTANCE. AND SHE CONTEMPLATES RAPING AN ENTIRE FUCKING CITY.

But it's all okay, because Anita is unselfishly broadcasting that power to HER people, and they're all hunky-dory with this.

End of chapter.

Danse Macabre--chapter 8

Auggie's powers make Anita want to make out with him. What else is new.

It turns out that Auggie is one of Belle Morte's old lovers. The ardeur is his drug and he's jonesing for a new fix. Well, I guess when you're an addict, any port in a storm...Anita's ardeur is now contageous, so she tells everybody else to keep their hands off. Everyone except Graham obeys out of self-interest, Clauida the were-rat offers to shoot him if he misbehaves.

Jean  Claude is apparently racing down the stairs at a speed of general mosey. HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW YOUR PSYCHIC SOUL MATE IS NOT IN TROUBLE?

Auggie tries to sweet talk her into sex. Lil tip, guys. If your lover says "Let us drown together" running might be a good idea.

Anita prays to Mary and the ardeur lightens up. Then she makes one of those asides that make my teeth grit:

For years I hadn’t prayed during times like this, too embarrassed, but I’d finally realized if my faith was real, then it didn’t desert me just because I was outside societal norms.

On the one hand, I've been there with my faith, I've done that. I've been doing studies lately on faith and trusting God (Christian blog-readers: George McDonald. Unspoken Sermons. It's free on Amazon. It is amazing.) so I get part of it. According to Mr. McDonald, distrust of God is equal to athiesm, and I probably need to stop right there because I can discuss this subject for the next hour. ON THE OTHER HAND every time LKH wanders into my faith I want to punch something. WOO HOO, Anita is SO SPECIAL God AND Mary listen to her when she's wandering around in a gray area. Only Anita never spends any time on God when she isn't deep in the shit. This is a book were we find out how many toenail clippings she made this morning, and she spends exactly zero hours going to church, or reading the bible, or doing anything faith-promoting. BUT HER FAITH IS SO PURE GOD COMES TO HER RESCUE ANYWAY. Except obviously she has faith issues, because she wasn't praying during these tricky situations. Anita is a Christian because it makes her religious items flare up whenever she comes down with a case of Bad Vampire. That's the only reason. She's not wearing a cross because it has symbolic significance to her; she's wearing it because it's a weapon. Her faith is all about what God can do for her, rather than what she can do for God (the ultimate answer is "nothing" but it's more complicated than that). Basically, her faith is as self-centered as every other relationship in her life, and her faith should not work at all. Especially the holy items as weapons bit. If holy items have power, it's because of the deity behind it, and the Deity in Christianity has a documented history of squishing anybody who misuse his things.

Basically, God in the Anita Blake novels is the magic slot machine in the sky. Put in enough faith tokens and you'll win a pony. We're one televangelism commerical away from Prosperity Gospel.

And of course, the magic sex powers trump God. Anita's sex drive is bigger than God.

So Anita switches over to the metaphysical beast inside of her and starts literally eating Auggie's face. He tries to kiss her, she bites him, she screams wordlessly, she fights, yadda yadda yadda...can I remind all of us that this is a visiting dignitary who could start an inter-city vampire war if he gets pissed off? That this is exactly why Anita should not have gone in this room alone?

LKH has written a female character that cannot be trusted to do anything on her own. She's done this on purpose. WHY.

Auggie somehow sends power into her to make her love him (?), and she keeps trying to eat his face. While praying that she won't permanently hurt him, because she loves him.

And then Belle Morte takes over the inside of Anita's head.

I think LKH writes by throwing darts at a board. Seriously. It's that fucking random. And she seriously needs to stop describing her sex objects with permutations of "like a child" because good holy fuck that is not sexy. Belle Morte is "like a child".

Am I the only person who remembers how Nikolaus was fucking scary? It's like we've inverted Nikolaus. Instead of having a child be, you know, autonomous and scary, all her bad guys are infantilized by Anita's desires.

Belle Morte and Auggie talk for a few minutes. It establishes that he tried to force Belle to love him and she threw him out because of this. Belle tries to roll the whole room and finally Jean Claude shows up. He raided Jareth's wardrobe again. He throws Belle out of Anita's mind, and Belle tells Jean that he, Anita and Auggie are probably going to have an orgy once she's gone. Belle tries to make Anita feel betrayed by revealing that Auggie and JC were lovers, and Anita is all like "Whatever. Let's fuck" and Belle is all "WTF is WRONG with you?" and the rest of us are all like "JOIN THE CLUB BELLE. WE'VE BEEN ASKING THAT SINCE NARCISSUS."

There's a memory...thing where Belle tries to show Anita something that JC and Asher did, and instead JC shows her a memory of him and Asher having sex. It goes back and forth for a while. It feels like the book just dropped acid.

 Belle gives Anita the power of living memory, whatever that means, and we get to watch Jean Claude and Auggie make out as JC's payment to get to America. Whatever floats his boat. Anita goes on about how she can't resent JC for the stuff that happened in his past, she comes back to herself, Auggie apologizes, the ardeur takes over and mercifully that's where the chapter ends.

Danse Macabre--chapter seven

Long, LONG day at work today. I spent this evening doing theoretically low stress fun AKA building new versions of mob grinders in minecraft. Yes. I have a book overdue and I goofed the fuck off. Every time I started trying to write I thought about a (theoretical) room full of Nth graders and fabric paint on tables that ABSOLUTELY CANNOT BE STAINED and I realised it was either work on the nether mob farm or curl up and whimper in a corner. I figured out how to slaughter ghasts while AFK and how to build a high density item sorter without resorting to inverters (because when the fucking redstone torches burned out it destroyed the item filters.) Of course NOW I have no reason not to park the game on a menu and write.

Also: I love Joey, I love her story, but I don't like writing her story. The last third had SO MANY things to tie in it's like WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF CHILDREN. WHY.

So, yes. I am not THAT much better than LKH in her priorities. And now you know...

Chapter seven made me realize that DM and Merry Gentry were written co-currently. It also made me realize that if anything justified what Anita and Co. were doing--if there were a plot that went ANYWHERE--this scene would be tolerable.

As it is...

SHE KISSED ME, and this time I didn’t fight her. I let my body melt into hers, let her feed at my mouth. There is a moment in a kiss, especially an open-mouth kiss, where the caress of lips and tongue spills over some line, and beyond that line, you kiss back. I kissed her, kissed her as she was meant to be kissed, full and complete, tasting her.

Yeah. TOTALLY NOT HOMOSEXUAL EROTICA GUYS. SHE'S JUST OVERWHELMED BY BEING KISSED BY ANOTHER GIRL.

 We take a long break to look at how all the men are reacting to watching two women make out. Because that's the total point of this scene.

What's sad is, I'm probably right.

Speaking of which, everybody disgusted by the sex scenes involving Cynric in later books should realize that this chapter has Anita making out with seventeen year old Thomas. The only thing that stops them is Thomas freaking out over Anita's hidden gun.

He’d actually missed the big knife down my spine, because he hadn’t come to the midline of my body until low on my back. But it was a big weapon to miss. Baby, he was a baby. And I’d have said that if he’d been twenty-seven instead of seventeen.

Yeah. I was poking around in the Amazon Customer Discussion forum for Affliction and somebody pointed out that Anita is twenty seven currently. Meaning however old she is in this book, she's not twenty-seven. I think she's got her head so far up her own ass her eyes need a wet-wipe.

Anita tells Thomas to go sit down. Thea, Anita and Micah then bicker for a few minutes over who needs to be acknowledged next: Auggie's people or Thea's other sons. Anita decides to let Thea wait until JC shows up again, and heads over to Auggie's side of the room

 Thea's reaction is...uh, not very gracious.

“So Augustine’s whore is higher in rank than my sons?” Thea sounded genuinely angry.

Nice, Thea. Real nice. Not to be one-upped in class, however, Anita tells Samuel to make his wife behave. He does.

 Anita tells Thea she doesn't like being forced, so her children probably won't get another chance at her bed. Thea says that Anita wouldn't want her sons anyway, forced magic was her only excuse. Anita moves over to Auggie's side of the room, wondering frantically if Thea knows about the pregnancy scare now.

Auggie's girlfriend gets the classic LKH treatment. A couple bits stand out.

Her hair was long, and teased too high on the top, as if she’d never quite left the eighties, but it was brunette. It might even have been her natural color.Oh FUCK YOU. There's so much wrong with this I'm not even going to dignify it with taking it apart.

 The spaghetti straps of her dress and the thin material should not have been able to support her breasts. Breasts that large do not stay perky without more help than the dress could give. Her breasts sat under the dress in a way that real breasts just don’t.

 You know, that whole "Exactly the way (insert here) doesn't" worked for Douglas Adams because Douglas Adams was trying to be funny, and most of his humor involved forcing your brain to make hairpin turns that left you with whiplash. LKH is writing porn. If you get whiplash doing porn, you're doing something wrong.

Auggie's girlfriend's name is Bunny. BUNNY.

Well, I'm going to make a bet now and say that Auggie is the villian for this piece. Don't tell me if I'm wrong or not. I want to be surprised.

Bunny asks how she can be a whore when Thea is pimping her sons out and Anita has a harem. Probably because two of the three women AND the writer are dedicated misogynists, and they want somebody special to shit on today.

Naturally, Auggie dumps her on the spot. On the one hand, she just made an ass out of him AND her in a highly charged political situation...on the other hand, Thea insulted her and she hadn't said one word onscreen beforehand.

Auggie apologizes profusely to Anita for the insult.

Meanwhile, a tooth-and-nail disfiguring battle is being played for laughs.

Fredo pushed himself from the wall, all boneless ease like some dark, well-armed cat. Clay just took Bunny’s other arm, and helped Benny start carrying her toward the door. She used the spike heels effectively, probably drawing blood through Clay’s pants. He never slowed, and neither did Benny, though his face was bleeding from nail marks. Fredo got both her ankles, and they carried her out.

SHE STABS HIM WITH HER HEELS AND CLAWS HIS FACE TO RIBBONS AND IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY AND LOOK AT THE AWFUL GIRLY GIRL HA HA HA.

And of course the reason for all this is that Anita is a natural beauty and everyone is jealous of her pretty mcprettyness. GAG ME.

Nate, of course, has his lips firmly planted on Anita's nethers.

“You outvamped the sirens, Anita.”

Auggie tells Anita that her animal to call isn't just leopards. His lions felt her call, and he wants to trade a lion for Bunny's replacement. He wants a london vampire for a pet. IDK, Auggie, the one you got is probably a winner...and I do just love how Bunny is presented as a hellcat to justify Auggie jumping girlfriends like that. SO classy.

Auggie's lions introduce themselves as Haven and Pierce. Anita rejects them out of hand because they're both "too dominant."

Anita wonders where JC is, and gets a vision of both him and Asher holding Meng Die down in a restraint. I guess the badly written female disease is catching tonight.

Anita then makes out with the two cats. Pierce, she dismisses instantly because he doesn't actually want to be here. Haven gets the full treatment.

Joseph, the local were-lion leader tries to stop it, and Haven freaks out. Joseph then tries to get Haven under control, and Auggie steps in because apparently this is stepping on his mojo, or something. He dominates Joseph because he can, I guess. Anita squares off with Auggie and reminds him that vampires call her the executioner, and if he keeps messing with her people she will kill his ass.  She starts using her necromancy against him, and he goes along with it until he gets close enough to pin her down, and then he starts making out with her because all roads end at Anita's va-jay-jay.

End of chapter.

Danse Macabre--Chapter 6

Anita is making out with a mermaid.

But she won't enjoy it:

If she’d been a man I would have just let her kiss me— was I really this homophobic?

No, Anita. You're straight. This is what happens when someone you are not attracted to puts the moves on you. You don't like it. Congratulations on discovering what the rest of us figured out during proms and awkward first dates. Pretty soon you'll have understood healthy bounderies and what constitutes consent and what poly really is.

Her kiss bruised my mouth and I tasted blood, sweet, metallic candy on my tongue. The moment I tasted the blood, it hurt. She’d cut the inside of my lip on my own teeth.

At the risk of TMI, I remember a phase where my blood tasted good. I was also having prolific nosebleeds, which was how I discovered this. I was diagnosed with anemia not too much later. Our bodies are really good at telling us what we need. Anita might want to go get that looked at.

 Thea, meanwhile, manages to sum up what's wrong with the entire series in one rather nice paragraph:

“My deepest apologies, Anita; it has been so long since I met anyone who could withstand my desires that I simply kept trying to force. Forgive me.”

I think if you replace "desires" with "no-editing clause" you'll get something really meta.

So. Do we get to find out WHY Thea the siren is assaulting Anita the Succubus? Other than sexy fun times? That sounds like Thea's really lonely...

 Thea then apologizes, but her apology is "I'm sorry I didn't realize you were strong enough to tell me to get fucked" and not "I'm sorry I violated your personal space and tried to take over your will." Because that's pretty much par for the course in an Anita Blake book.

The nearest thing we get to an explination is that Thea is addictive, and Anita is addictive, and apparently Thea wants something to get addicted to, and somehow this involves her sons because ONLY ANOTHER SIREN can awaken a siren's powers and Thea doesn't do incest...but she hopes that Anita can do it.

Anita is a succubus. Not a Siren. You're SOL.

Anita says she doesn't like Thea pimping out her sons. Thea asks what pimping out means, which I call bullshit on because if this white girl knows what it is, it's mainstream enough to fully penetrate the Earth's core. Thea doesn't live in France, she lives in fucking Cape Cod. She has television. SHE SHOULD KNOW THIS.

“If your power is not close enough to mine, then we will stay for the parties, and the ballet, but you will not have to look at them as pommes de sang. We will take our sons home and you will not have to worry over your discomfort.”

And this is the point where you say "How about let's not, and say we did," and go with that, because Anita's heavily implied that the whole "Candidates for blood apples" thing freaks her the fuck out. 

Instead, Anita asks what the side effects are. Thea says that nothing SHOULD happen...but if she fucks up it'll awaken the ardeur, and that means an orgy in the important meeting room. Gee. I wonder what's going to happen next.

Anita finds out that two of Thea's sons are seventeen.

I looked at her, and didn’t know what my face showed, but it felt like nothing pleasant. “I don’t do teenagers. Hell, I didn’t do teenagers when I was one.”

First of all, give it a couple more books. It'll change. Second...I really hope that just means Anita didn't have sex as a teen. Otherwise she was screwing twenty plus guys when she was still in highschool, and that gives her character layers of fucked-up I don't ever want to touch.

I wanted to say out loud, Your first time should be with someone you care about. Your virginity should go to someone you love.
Yeah, one of Thea's sons has never done it before. Guys, I'm a southern Christian, and that comes with a lot of baggage, but virginity IMHO is like the pop top on a jar of pickles. It doesn't really matter to the pickles.

Anita remembers that she might be preggers, and Thea picks up on this. Anita decides to bullshit her way out of it and says that Sam is only the second master vamp to ever have kids and...

Wait. Wait a second. Wasn't a MAJOR subplot in one of the earlier books that Vampires could only insiminate a living female if they were recently dead enough? And that this involved hot tubs and prayer and a lot of other things. SAMUEL IS ESTABLISHED AS A THOUSAND YEARS OLD. HOW THE FUCK DOES HE HAVE BIOLOGICAL SONS.

I really hope they're somebody else's, because that's a pretty major part of the lore LKH just broke.

The chapter closes with Thea tasting Anita's power again...and once again, they have to make out to do it.

This book is never going to end.

Dragon Breath Pt. 3--SAMPLE

I've been REALLY hesitant to post bits from these two books because every single part contains MASSIVE spoilers for part one, but given that I really dropped the ball this month (In my defense, changing jobs and all) I'm going to give you guys a sneak peek.

The most spoilery bits are after the cut. Also, it's not professionally edited yet. Consider it a rough work in progress.




Chapter One
The man standing beneath the Dragon Queen’s wing was not supposed to be there. Granddad Sanderson was the rock on my father’s side of the family. He’d always projected this aura of the unshakable truth, an unstoppable force looking for an immovable object. Practicality. But there’d been a division between Dad and Granddad that ran deeper than just Dad marrying Mom. There’d been something else. Something that Dad was supposed to do that he didn’t. Silly me, I thought, crouching in my battered dragon body. And here’d I’d thought Granddad wanted Dad to be a doctor. 

He stood in the middle of Queen Shoran’s camp. I think humans were supposed to start looking small to me by now, but he towered over the entire universe. His hair had grayed out ages ago; it had just enough black left to be regal. He was weathered and sun-lined. He wore black fighting leathers like they’d been poured on. Old, but don’t you dare mistake that for weak; he was whipcord and rawhide and lightning.  His eyes were very cold. They studied me, and a lot of things suddenly fell into place.Tommy’s legend about Dragon Queen Shoran’s loyal and valued sand-son, the man who had betrayed Salthessa’s Abomination to the world. Who had fathered a family of sand-sons, who had eventually gone to a secret place for safe keeping. Sand-sons. Sandersons. And what Salthessa had said all those ages ago rippled through my brain once more: “Joanna Sanderson. What does it mean, I wonder?”“It’s just a name.” My gut went cold, dragon-fire put out for the moment. I’d been singled out. I’d been chosen from the moment Salthessa heard my name. No. Before that. When Pentressa, disguised as Mrs. Petersen, my science teacher, called role for the very first time. The delay between then and our abduction was probably just verification. She’d want to be sure she had the right family. Because that’s what we were, weren’t we? We were Shoran’s blessed Family. “You’re probably surprised,” Granddad said. He wouldn’t meet my eyes.“Not really,” I said, dropping my own. I was still breathing hard from the flight. My wings ached. My back hurt. My feet throbbed from the landing. But it felt a little like my heart was breaking, and that was the worst of all. Granddad had always been there for me. For the first time in my life, he had withdrawn. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t known about the family secret; sometimes you just can’t forgive betrayal.Billy and Sam looked from me to Granddad, and back to me. You could almost see “Tilt” written across Bill’s pupils. He didn’t get it at all. But Sam put her hand on my flank, where feathers turned to scales. Where I could feel it, warm and weirdly comforting. “Hello, Mr. Sanderson,” she whispered, and Bill gasped.“I don’t know you kids,” he said, dully. He was still looking at me.“I’m Samantha Foster. This is William Bird. We met during school open house a couple years back.”His eyes flickered. “Quarterback, right?” Bill nodded. So did Granddad. He had both kids safely pigeonholed now. “Well, I’m sure you two have been through a lot. One more meeting, and we can start talking about getting you home.” And then he looked at me, helplessly. “Come on,” he gestured, and then ducked into the blue pavilion. The sides moved and breathed like heavy silk. A pattern of gold dragons curved up and down its sides. Billy followed, and then Sam, and then it was my turn. Into the realm of another dragon Queen. Into the claws of Shoran. But she was the good guy in Talarion’s story, right? She’d be nice.Right?It was cool inside. Basins of ice hung in midair, bleeding coolness. Each chunk was carved, like in Salthessa’s world. Flowers, deer, trees. The difference was, the real thing was here too. Sort of. Cut flowers. Bonsaied trees and the real deal in pots human me could have slept in. A gathering of human women sat in a corner. Not maids or dressers. Not when they were sprouting that level of armament. They nodded to me, warrior to warrior. Respect, maybe? I wasn’t sure. Still, it was easier to hold my head up. I met the dragon-queen’s eyes.It’s better to be eaten by a tiger, I thought, and drowning in the gaze of Shoran, Queen of Talendia, I knew this to be true.She was like her sister, in that she was snow white, and she wore a crown and sat with the regal presence of one born to rule. But her eyes were kind. This haunted me. It still haunts me. Cold as she looked upon me, but kind. Steel, and frost, and the implacable sense of avalanche…but kind. As if she knew everything about me, inside and out. Every bad grade. Every scrap. Every tear. It was the kind of sympathy that makes you ashamed for needing it. She was also bigger than her sister. Healthier, but also deeper scarred. Lines ran along her neck, one after another after another, a ring of scars like a necklace. She didn’t hide them or wear them with pride. They were part of her. She did not wear jewelry on her wings but rather an arm-guard that was strapped through the membrane. It was polished and gleamed wickedly, with points along the edge. Battle armor.Once more I thought, her eyes are kind.“Stand, child.” She said. I did. Panting heavily and inches away from dropping from exhaustion, but I could do that after this interview. She considered me for a long moment, then said, “Are you of my sister’s get?”I dropped my head. “I guess I am.”Whispers through the tent. Whispers silenced by a quick gesture of forelimb and wing. “And do you follow her ways?”“No.” I said. It came out as a growl.“Why not?” She said.“Because she kidnapped me. And my friends and…and my brother…and…and she did this to me.” I pointed at my own chest. My claw made a scraping sound on the scales; it echoed through the tent.“You are dragon. A fine and lovely creature, to my eyes. A daughter that any of us would be proud to name our own…were you not Abomination.”There. That word. That damning word. It wanted to weigh me down with a thousand tons, squish me so I would not exist. I picked my head up. This wasn’t my fault. “I didn’t choose this.” I said.“And can you prove it, child?” Her blue eyes, without her sister’s flecks of gold, glared at me until I dropped my head. “I thought not. The punishment for human bonded is life at Pentalminion, life in the mines of Kenthal, or death. And as returning you to my sister’s care would merely give her back what she seeks, it narrows your future quite a bit.”Whispers threaded through the tent. A lot of humans and no few dragons had followed us in. Many of them looked at me with deep pity in their eyes. I hated that look almost as much as I hated Salthessa. Goddamn it, I wanted to scream. You are the ones who did this to me. All of you are. I don’t even understand why this is such a big deal.Shoran shifted, looking from her audience to me, and back. Then her eyes softened, her voice turned silken. “But perhaps you have one to speak for you after all. Malangar, my love. You have returned to me.” Her beauty turned heart-wrenching.He bowed, and when he came up his eyes were filled with unaccountable pain. “Faithless and a traitor, I’ve returned. Remade by Salthessa’s arts. And the fruit of my betrayal stands before you. She is Salthessa’s. And mine.”The whisper ran through the tent, and I couldn’t stand it. “She drugged him.” I said.“Even in rut, one knows loyalty.” Malangar said.“You wouldn’t have done it if she hadn’t drugged you. Listen, you can’t blame--” I said. The faces in the room seemed to alternate between disgust and that hateful, dehumanizing pity. “You can’t—”“Peace, child.” Her voice was cutting. Angry and hurt…and yet not at us. Not at either of us. Silence ruled, and it went on. And on. And on. “I knew, my love.” She said at last. “It was her delight to torment me. To let me know that you were her belonging. Just as it was her delight that her daughter lived…with this very soul inside her. She orchestrated my betrayal at every turn, and she has succeeded masterfully.” She paused. “Tell me of her, my love.” And she gestured at me.“The mortal girl was blameless.” Malangar said. “If the word of a traitor may be believed, hear me well. She had no knowledge of the bonding. She and the other three thought they would become…partners of dragons. What they called riders. Apparently this…partnership is a great dream of theirs. And she resisted.” He shook his head. “She resisted the call of a Kal egg so desperate for life that it nearly drove her insensible. Salthessa had to bring her to the egg and drop her upon it to force the bonding to take. And when she and the others fled the castle, she saved the son of Talarion and brought it to you. She has earned mercy, at the very least.” “And your name, child?” Shoran asked. As if everyone in the room didn’t already know.“Joanna Sanderson,” I answered.“Your dragon name,” She purred.“Joanna. Sanderson,” I insisted. “I’m not a dragon.”Silence in the tent. The noise of battle outside ebbed and flowed like a tide. The Dragon Queen nodded. “Innocence in evil-doing does not mitigate evil done. It only twists the knife in further. Remember this, Joanna, daughter of the Sandersons.” She paused. There was compassion in her gaze. Enough to make me hope this could end well. Then she sighed. “It would not be just to kill you, or condemn you to the mines. But I cannot simply let you go.” There were nods of agreement around the tent from the dragons and humans alike. Billy shouted, Sam made a distressed sound, but it got no further than that. A human in an elaborate coat, probably Shoran’s seneschal, motioned for our silence.“The Queen of Pentalminion holds hostage the daughter of our Temple.” Shoran continued. “Our god must be appeased. And the Priest and Priestess of Leviathan long for their daughter. The lives of innocent human children lie in her talons. Joanna Sanderson, your fate will be decided by theirs. If you work for their rescue, all your heart’s strength in it, and they are returned home alive, then you will be returned to your home as well.”That last part brought my head up. The flame in me rose tightly too, as if I might set the whole world on fire. That’s how hope feels when it goes from a dull, half-drowned ember to a full born explosive rush.“But I can’t go,” I said, almost sobbing. “You can’t send me home.” The fact that I was a dragon seemed pretty obvious. What could I do, other than recreate Godzilla in every city I visited? “Then you cannot rescue your friends.” Shoran looked at me. “If you can, however…if the rescue of your friends did rest within your power, the chance to return you home would also rest within mine.” I dropped my head. My pulse was insane. I didn’t know what home might mean…but now I understood I was desperate to go. That, however, did not solve the immediate problem. “And what will happen to us for now?” I asked.“Malangar will be kept in honor. Your two young human friends will be kept with him. You, Ison and his sister will be kept as comfortably as prisoners may. And now, Joanna, I think it best we all retreat for thought.”She gestured, and we were lead away, we slaves of Pentalminion. We prisoners. Malangar, Billy and Samantha stayed behind.

Danse Macabre--chapter 5

This book is a carbon copy of Cerulean Sins. Right down to Jean Claude's stupid gold-and-silver drapes. Which are described in detail, as is the painting of JC, Asher and Juliana which isn't even in the room. We dedicate a lot of time and attention to something that isn't there.

Anita manages not to start an intercity war with her first comment. The nearest (white, blond) MotC introduces himself as Augustine AKA Auggie. This gives me the cold sweats for reasons I cannot immediately articulate, so I'm going to assume that Auggie is a nice vampire who never has sex with Anita. I will cringe appropretely when proven wrong.

Auggie also makes an excuse for JC not being there. He understands that business can't always wait, which makes me really wish Jean Claude's empire was something other than sex...or that Anita could distract herself from teh sex long enough for us to see what Jean Claude's business actually is. All we ever see of Jean Claude's businesses are the customer side, and I'm including Anita's visits to the dressing rooms. You don't see the day-to-day stuff. What happens when you run out of something needed, what regulations JC has to follow to run his clubs, what happens when the cops raid him (and you can bet your ass that happens frequently) who he has to pay off. You know, that kind of thing. But we'd much rather focus on Anita fucking every single male dancer in Jean Claude's employ, rather than on the things that could develop him as a character.

I looked into his eyes, until I saw that they were like the sky when it goes black, just before it falls down and destroys everything you own.

I can't decide if I like this description of Auggie's eyes, or if I hate it, and either way it kind of loses its own point halfway through. Auggie has black eyes. Auggie has black eyes. Auggie has BLACK EYES. DO YOU GET IT YET?

“Welcome, Samuel, Master of the City of Cape Cod. As Jean-Claude’s human servant I welcome you and yours to St. Louis.”

Why would anyone saddle themselves with "Master of the City of (insert whatever here)" Why not "Master of Cape Cod" or "Master of Tombstone", something you can say in one nice mouthful?

Sam here brought a woman with him, probably his blood apple, and Auggie probably brought his blood apple and these are the two women who are fighting. Lovely. One of them takes little snipes at Auggie because having a female character who isn't awful is too fucking hard.

His animal to call is mermaids.

MERMAIDS? What happened, did somebody forget to give Laurel her Animal-a-Day calendar? She couldn't think of ANYTHING else? Why not Harpy Eagles? Or Hippos? How about motherfucking dragons, if we're venturing into the mythological? MERMAIDS?

Please tell me they turn ugly. PLEASE. Big ugly razor-toothed mermaids. It's the only way this will be salvagible.

Samuel’s eyes were hazel, pale brown with an edge of grayish green around the pupil. The green shirt brought out more of the green, so his eyes were almost an olive green, but they were definitely hazel, not true green. But then I had high standards for true-green eyes.

Every time LKH starts describing color all I hear is:




That's it.

GREEN. EYES. MOVE ON.

Anita describes Sam's wife. It's...uh...special.

She bowed a body that was inches taller than his, bowed and hid her face. I was betting it was because her face just didn’t look sorry enough. Her dress was somewhere between cream and white, and it matched her skin and her hair. She was all whites and creams and pearls. At first glance you might think albino, but then she raised her eyes back up to us both. Her eyes were black, so black that her pupils were lost in the color of her irises. Her lashes were golden, her eyebrows gold and white.

It's that last bit that cracks me up. I've got this mental picture of Anita leaning in until she can see the individual eyebrow hairs.

Thea, the mermaid with the special eyebrows, bows to Anita. Anita helps her up. Thea asks if Anita is helping "like a queen to a commoner" or if Anita is acknowledging that Thea is a superior. Anita takes way too many words to say "I have no idea. I suck at this" and Auggie says the following:

Auggie laughed an abrupt, very human-sounding laugh, turning me to look at him. “Jean-Claude said you were a breath of fresh air, Anita, but such an honest breeze, I’m not sure we’re up to it.”

You know, when I was four my favorite game with my mother was Barbie Beauty Pagent. This one time I didn't have enough bathing suits for both our barbies to compete against each other, so my mother suggested I let her have the bathing suit and my doll should wear an evening gown because the modesty would win points with the jury. Mom had to explain what modesty was, but once I got it, I went nuts on the concept. "I'm modest. I'm modest. I'm the modestest person ever. Aren't you impressed with my modesty!"

Yeah. Anita is played up as being the honestest person who ever honested, and it reminds me of four year old me trying to play up modesty because I didn't want my mother to know I'd never heard of the word before.

We also find out that Samuel and Thea are putting their sons on the chopping block so Anita can turn them into blood apples.

Worst. Parents. Ever.

...and Thea decides that she and Anita need to decide who is of higher rank so yes indeed, we're having a fucking pissing contest between Anita and a motherfucking mermaid. WITHIN FIVE MINUTES OF WALKING INTO THE ROOM. At least Anita isn't the source of this, but hey, bonus round! IT'S A WOMAN. YAY.

Anita decides to offer Thea her wrist because fuck if I know, and Thea goes for the throat instead, because why not, and the explination for this whole creep fest is:

“My wife is very competitive with other women, Anita,” Samuel said. “Surely Jean-Claude mentioned that, as he mentioned your temper to us.”

That, or the book is being written by someone who's focused more on proving how much better they are than everyone else than they are focused on writing a goddamned story. PEOPLE DO NOT INTERACT THIS WAY.

And then...Anita and Thea start making out. For serious. This is how the chapter closes:

“Succubus,” she whispered as she lowered her face toward mine. I knew in that instant that she was going to kiss me. “I am seeking another of my kind, Anita. Are you what I seek?” And with the last word she closed her mouth over mine.

The next chapter will be how Anita reacts to being kissed by another woman.

I peeked ahead.

Send help.

Danse Macabre--chapter 4

Anita is going into the room with the guest Masters of the City. With Micah and Nathanial. No Jean Claude. No Asher. Anita alone with two VIPs who could and would eat her if she insults them to their face.

This is like Dubbya entering a room. Any room. There are many many many many people who would do a better job at this. Ronnie (baby comments notwithstanding) Louie, Richard, the Swan King, Rafael (Dear holy Fuck, do you realize that out of ALL the were-whatevers not only is Rafael the only one not dragged into Anita's shit on a regular basis, forced to fuck OR participate in Jean Claude's nonsense more than once in a blue moon, his leadership ability is completely unthreatened and Anita and CO. count him as a friend. He's not on the radar AT ALL. Rafael is like, political GOD. Bet your sweet ass the dude knows what he's hiding from. Good form, Mr. Rat King. Good form. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE) any single cop other than Dolph.

Fuck. Dolph would at least be up front about his issues.

They're sending in the person who got into a pissing contest over who got to walk through a door first.

Anita has (had) nothing to prove. I do not understand why she keeps doing this.

The two Masters of the City are all right so far, but the two women are sniping at each other.

AND THERE IT IS. Right there. Black and white. It's the women that are the problem. It's that women can't get along.Women can't deal.

I just got done watching Pacific Rim. Women kick ass. Sure, some of us have prickly personalities, but unless you manage to piss people off severely, you shove a group of women against a wall, they're gonna lock arms and shove back. WHY ARE THEY ON THE RECIEVING END OF THIS SHIT.

(For the record, everything in Pacific Rim is awesome).

It has the feel of something that could go south if we don’t have someone to help keep it friendly.”

They're saying this to Anita. TO ANITA. SHE. CANNOT. WALK. THROUGH. DOORS. WITHOUT FIGHTING. DO YOU NOT READ YOUR OWN GODDAMN BOOKS LAUREL. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS CHARACTER SHOULD NOT BE DOING THIS.

I mean, if Anita said "And you're calling me? God, are we that desperate?" I'd be more cool with it. If Anita having a fuse shorter than a nanobot's wiring were a character trait that everybody understood and just kinda worked around officially--Jean Claude redirecting her, Ronnie smiling and nodding and hiding the party invites to the annual cop bash so that nobody gets flung against walls, Anita taking steps to make sure she's not, you know, in a room full of important visiting dignitaries ALONE--then it'd be a part of her character. There ARE people who have two political left feet, short fuses, and whatever. The problem is that the text treats Anita as if she is fine, and she's not. She needs help. Active, immediate intervention because this woman is destroying. her. life. And she's doing it every time she opens her mouth.

And of course Anita can't psychically call Jean Claude for help, because the other masters might be listening in. Isn't it great how things like cell phones and telepathy break right when you need them?

(There was one point during Pacific Rim where I was screaming "DO YOU PEOPLE NOT HAVE CELL PHONES" at the screen. It was near the end. It involved brains. They needed a cell phone.)

Writer's tip, kids: Best thing you can do is have the cell phone/telepathy/whatever actually work, and have something else come up. It'd be more realistic because deadzones are comparatively rare. (They still exist, but what are the odds of an emergancy happening right there? And everybody involved being on the same carrier?)

We then segue to how Graham and Other Dude both want to be Meng Die's blood apple (fuck the fancy french.) and how Meng Die is unreliable and how she pitched a fit because Requiem wants to be Anita's new breakfast boy, and oh my fucking god. THE MEETING IS THERE. IT IS IN THERE. WALK. TO. THE. MEETING.

...The other masters of the cities have brought Anita boy-toys to sample. Because I HAVE NO IDEA. THERE IS NO LOGIC INVOLVED IN THIS BOOK.

One of my favorite movies is Mixed Nuts. Steve Martin. Most people watch a movie about redemption, second chances and angels during Christmas. I watch a movie about the holidays at a suicide hotline. There's a scene in which two characters recommend they dispose of a dead body disgused as a Christmas tree (It's a long story) by taking it downstairs and leaving it on the Los Angeles boardwalk. Steve Martin replies:

"That is not a plan. A plan has more than one step. First we do this and then we do this and then we do this."

I'm having that reaction to the plot. This is not a plot. THERE ARE NO "THISES" IN THIS PLOT.

Also, Anita? This is how it's done. God bless you, Mrs. Munchnik.
Apparently turning Anita into Prince Charming in her polyamourous personal Cinderella story (the text made the comparison, not me) is all happening because Jean Claude is the blood source for his own very personal line of vampires (Seriously. WHY ARE ALL THE SPECIAL WORDS FRENCH. I know Jean Claude is french but I am pretty confident that vampires aren't unique to the country of baguettes and Marie Antwonette. Wouldn't there be more than one word for this shit?) and the other masters want to impress him, and shoving sex toys at his pet succubus seems to be the best way to do that.

I think I really hate this book.

The chapter ends with Anita admitting that maybe Jean Claude should be handling this.

And with that, I leave you in the capable hands of Mrs. Munchnik.