Justin Blaney's Blog, page 43

225 heal brokenness with beauty

225

heal brokenness with beauty

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

252

8

252

sometimes i touch you just to make sure you’re real

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

8 what do souls look like?

8

what do souls look like?

how easy is it to sense the difference between the soul of a homeless man smelling of urine and shit, yelling at passers by

from the souls of those who pretend he doesn’t exist

what makes a soul’s stench?

what makes it beautiful?

are all souls born the same in their beauty or are some created with defects?

or do defects add something unique and precious?

can we artificially make our souls more beautiful with tattoos or plastic surgery?

are we all soft somewhere deep inside or can we make ourselves permanently and unchangeable hard?

what do souls sound like?

do they bounce about and twirl when happy?

do they puddle when sad?

are some more talented, gifted, luckier, richer, born with better genes?

or is it in our souls that we are truly equal?

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

106 if years were found hiding round gears

106

if years were found hiding round gears

greasy knoby cheerless things

smeared between cashier machines

i’d plunk a silver dollar in

to ride over there till now was when

take all i have in this picture of you

creased and worn

on that morning just before the white dress

i can almost hear your sighs compress

comfort into crying with a splash of wine

till sight blurred another dreary night

and you could look him in the eye

to rub away one more time

then we could be

you and me

instead of you and

your other half

it’s hard not to laugh

more likely cry

because i’m fast in this dream

and the better half of me dies

every time you whisper in my ear

hush dear, this isn’t goodbye

before going back to him

to sleep in his bed again

you and i were made for more

than clinging to our tattered lives

stacked full of part-time lies

but time is no machine

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

255 i swear when i close my eyes you’re here with me

255

i swear when i close my eyes you’re here with me

i see your lovely face so near and soft in the dark

so close i can smell your skin

i just breathe

and wish with all the wishes i might ever have in this life that you’ll be here when i open my eyes

but it doesn’t matter if you’re not

because i know you’re real

you cheer me with every word and thought and part of you shared

and i know i’ve seen true beauty

the purest and most delightful smile that ever grinned up at skies

or ever will

i feel stupid lucky to have seen you

so very close

who in this world can say that?

i’m sure only me, of anyone who ever lived

i see you in ways no one else has or can

i see deep into the fairest eyes ever known to where magic mixes with starlight and life and blissful dreams, dancing and swirling inside you

i have known you

and I’ll never be the same

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

251 i was thinking about how much sweeter ice-cream and waffle cones taste when shared

251

i was thinking about how much sweeter ice-cream and waffle cones taste when shared, and how your hair lays wavy and soft in the grass, and how you laugh when i push you on a children’s swing, and how you look down at me when i lay my head in your lap, and how your hands seem so small in mine, and how grass makes so nice a pillow, and how the sound of your voice above playgrounds and laughing and soccer fields in the distance makes me smile, and how the last of the sun’s rays burn hot on the white mountain tops, and how the city blurs by in streaks of color on the cool night air, and how soft you feel behind me, your arms wrapped tight around my sides, and how ferry lights dance on the dark water, and how herons fly in pairs, low over salty ripples, and how i never knew someone could be so beautiful, and how i never want to let you go

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

33 we can never do more than our best

33
we can never do more than our best
but we can always do less
and trying to do more
often leads to subtraction
we shouldn’t add a second thought
to a best that multiplies failure
but most slip into yesterday’s dirty clothes with a hurried sip of espresso
the odor of our errors in a persistent cloud around us
the rod of correction
our favorite motivational tool
used so often
we recite stories to the mirror
about the black eye and bruised knee
in case someone asks
why can’t we stop counting
success and failure
and simply instead
always do our best

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

32 what can a nation provide that is greater than freedom?

32

what can a nation provide that is greater than freedom?
we can come together to build great towers, dam mighty rivers and
fly among galaxies
yet nothing is more powerful
a free man or woman fighting to be left in peace can crush any army under foot
no art is more beautiful than that which is created by a free mind
and a free heart, allowed to choose whom to love is the greatest gift that can
be offered
all are born free
freedom can be stolen under
threat of pain
and there will always be those willing to swindle us out of our birthright
but most sell it for far less a price

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

Last Night’s Farewell, Chapter 17

 

love is wild

untamable

it does not obey

it does not yield to wishes or demandslove can give more than life

and take more than death

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We left our helmets by the bike and I slipped my hat back on, following him down through the brush on the side of the road. He was getting a little ahead of me.

“Hey,” I said, “I don’t have the shoes for this.”

But I’m not sure he heard me. I worked through the low growing blackberry vines and shrubs. A branch of thorns ripped my calf. I looked back at the bike, wondering if I could drive it without him. I felt a momentary panic, a thought that this was my last chance to escape.

“Almost there,” he called back to me.

I realized I didn’t care if he was going to hurt me. I’d rather take my chances with him than with Lysander. I rounded a cluster of bushes and blackberries that rose high above my head and came upon a small lake of still water, lit with sunlight filtering through the tall birch trees along the highway. A soft mist rose from the surface, cut through by a flock of geese that came to join us for the afternoon, or until it was time to continue their journey to warmer places. Beyond the lake, a rough cut mountain rose through distilled air, it’s sheer rock face diving down from drifting cumulus puffs of white, plunging into the land with a power that can only known by one who has stood at the foot of such a place.

Elliot watched me, smiling with a pure happiness of one who lives to make his lover truly and perfectly happy. I felt guilty for worrying about his intentions, for thinking he might be bringing me here for anything other than loving me. I squeezed his hand, pulling his body close.

“I didn’t know places like this existed,” I said.

“They’re hiding all over this world, waiting for us to discover them.”

“How did you find this?”

“I just came upon it the other day, on a long ride, I didn’t know it was here either. I wanted so badly to share it with you.”

He leaned in and kissed me, and I took it eagerly.

“I think these places hide themselves from the busy world. It takes a soul who is willing to seek and be rewarded with a beauty most people will never find.”

“Will you help me be more like you?”

He smiled. “Let’s find every perfect place in this universe together.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

“I’ll take you to the stars, if you want. But first—“ He lead me down to the shore where a wooden boat for two waited.

“How is this possible?”

“It was a lot of work, actually. Those boats are heavier than they look.”

“You brought this here?”

“I said I had plans for us.”

He helped me into the boat, then jumped in and pushed off with an oar. A wicker basket and a bottle of wine and a small pile of blankets lay at one end. He spread out the blankets and I nestled into the chair he made for me, watching him row us through beams of light and past resting geese. We floated around a corner, creeping closer to the mountain. The whoosh of an occasional car on the highway grew faint.

He set the oars in the boat and moved close to me. Our bodies sought each other, touching wherever possible. We served each other Beechers cheese and grapes and quarter cut egg sandwiches on sourdough and dark red Syrah. Of course, my favorites. It was just like Elliot to know this when Lysander couldn’t seem to remember what I wanted even after years of marriage.

“I want to tell you something,” I said.

“Yes?”

“I need to know I can trust you with my heart.”

“I’d never hurt you.”

“Then tell me the truth. Who are you.”

“We’ve been over this—“

“No, I’m serious. I need to know how you know all this stuff about me. You lied about having two phones. You don’t seem to have a job. You live in a hotel. I mean, fuck, I’m going crazy. You are too perfect. I feel like I’m dreaming you or something.” I looked at him. “I’m not dreaming you right?”

He shook his head.

“Please, just tell me.”

“I don’t want to scare you away.”

“I’ve never believed in love at first sight. I didn’t believe in soul mates or whatever you want to call them. But I do now. I just need to know who you are.”

“OK, I’ll tell you, but please don’t judge me.”

“I have no right to judge anyone.”

“Well you sort of guessed it the first time I talked to you. I fell in love with you a few years ago. I was one of the guys in the soup line at St. Martins. I didn’t need to go for the food, I went to be with the people there. I’ve been running from who I am. My family has a lot of money and I didn’t want to be a part of that world. There’s so much hypocrisy.”

“I know about that.”

“So I have this money, this trust fund and anything I’d ever want, except I hated my life so I ran away from it all. I gave away all the money and started hanging out with people on the street, living with them, listening to them and then I found you. It was the highlight of my every week. I followed you home one day and saw you with Lysander. I discovered you were married and had twin daughters, Sophie and Pimm. There was something I felt from you, some connection that most people would scoff at. A connection of souls. But I was unable to do anything about it. I feared if I talked to you I’d scare you off. I feared I’d ruin your marriage if I was right. So I kept my distance, watching you, learning about you, writing letters to you that I hoped to give you someday. It was all crazy. I don’t know how to even say this…”

I nodded for him to continue.

“But I even imagined at times that Lysander might, you know, die. Or something. It sounds so horrible saying it out loud, but I wanted you so badly. I knew we’d be perfect together.” He looked at me. “Are you going to leave me now?”

I snuggled into him. “Of course not. It’s just your imagination, thinking he might die so you could have me without any of the hard stuff. Someone like you can’t control the things you think about.”

“So I didn’t want to tell you any of this because I was afraid I’d scare you off. Who wouldn’t be scared off by a stalker like me? I’m such a freak. And I’m a fool because I still hope that we’ll end up together. I’m out here on this limb, ready to come to you at any moment, and waiting for you to just ask me, or even just say where you are and I’d drop everything and come find you, even if it only meant I’d be across the room watching you talk to a friend.”

“You’re not a fool. You’re in love.”

“I am a fool. Only a fool would love someone as much as I do. A married woman who loves her husband and is never going to leave him.”

“Well I have something to tell you too. But first I need you to promise not to lie to me ever again.”

“Would you be talking to me today if I told you all this the first time we talked?”

I thought for a moment. “I guess not. But still. No more lies.”

“I promise.”

“What I’m going to tell you is going to sound really hard to believe.”

“Harder than what I just said?”

I laughed. “Maybe we really are made for each other. Well I’ll just come out and say it. A women came over to my house last night, she used to be my friend. Her name is Huma. I believed she was the one Lysander cheated on me with. Well they both pretended that she was there to help me, like they were worried about me because of my drinking or something. Lysander wanted her to stay with us, because supposedly she needs a place to stay for a while. I didn’t want to fight about it so I went to bed. I woke a few hours later and I heard them fucking in my kids room. I was so shocked I didn’t even know what to do. But I went to the room and was just going to, I don’t know, confront them or something. Somehow they heard me coming and one of them snuck up behind me and knocked me out. I woke up in my bed again and they were gone.”

“That’s horrible. Are you alright?” He moved to look at my head. “Is there a lump?” He touched the place where I was hit and I winced. The blood had dried.

“Should I have gone to the police?”

He answered fast. “No.”

I wondered at this response. Yes, I’d thought the same thing. But it sounded harsher on another’s lips. It sounded… off. But how could I argue since it was my response as well? “Are you sure?”

“It’s too good for him.”

“What should we do?”

“We don’t need to decide now. I’ll keep you safe from him and we can deal with it when we have a plan.”

“I don’t want him to be hurt. He’s a good person.”

“He hit you.”

“I don’t think it could have been him. I’m sure it was Huma.”

“Then he let her.”

“Yes, but he must have been conflicted.”

“Why are you defending him?”

“He’s my husband.”

“I will never hurt you. Not if it meant I had to die the most painful death ever known to prevent it. I’d never allow even a tear to fall from your eyes and wet the dusty earth. I will always be by your side, protecting you and loving you the way you deserve.”

I snuggled into him. “I believe you.”

He stroked my hair and I felt safe. But dark thoughts and fears began to well up inside me. I tried to ignore them, to focus on the love I felt for Elliot, and how much he treasured me. He would chase the darkness away, the shadow that followed me everywhere I went, day and night. He’d keep the monsters under my bed away from me, keep them locked up under the floorboards.

“Am I a bad person?” I said.

“You’re the best person I’ve ever known.”

“Tell me about me.”

“I’ve written volumes about you.”

“Read something to me.”

He took out his journal, found a page and began reading.

i love the way you squeal and hold me tight when i pull the throttle of my bike and the happy sound you make when i corner slowly left and ride down a hill

and how you hum softly when you’re happy

i love the mystery of you, all the parts of you that i don’t know

i love the shape of you pressed up against my back, so perfectly light and soft in every way

i love the smell of you, your shimmering scents that soak me through and pull me in

i love your thighs, so tempting to tickle or massage

i love the thought of earning your trust to my touch and then moving slowly into your invitation

i love your slender form in every way, your arms and wrists, so strong and feminine and delicate and inviting of tenderness and slowness and carefulness and close adoration

and your neck that begs me with constant pleasing tension to brush my face upon it and find softness with my lips and inhale your essence and the power of your soul

i love your lips, like a rose pulling me in with such nectar of love i know not what has come over me at times when i try to ignore the color and the shape and the softness that begs me to meet you in the small space between us.

and even in this i long to see you first thing in the morning before your color is added, to see the one the you and to taste who you are without any additions, the true pure you which must be so strong i’d have to take you in portion so as to not explode from your grace poured out upon me.

and yet even this would be incomplete without the completeness that comes from wholly and truly gazing into your soul through your enchanting, magical bewitching lit with flecks of blue and ice, where whole galaxies make their wonder known, these are the haunting of all our moments apart, i stare not too long for the power released upon me even 1000th of a second we connect, eye to eye, and i swear with all within me that you could command me to march armies into the sea while locked in gaze with me, and in these moments i’m sure we are the only two people alive on this earth and the only two people who have ever lived.

or perhaps it’s that only true life is possible in the shadow of your gaze

I listened to his voice trail off, mingling with the wind in the trees. Every word found its place in my heart and I felt whole for the first time in my life. I’d never felt so known. So cherished. These were the kinds of days I’d always wanted with Lysander, to have an adventure, to grow together, to share our innermost secret thoughts, and then to allow our love and knowingness and adoration for each other to overflow into the most intimate of expressions. And here I’d found it in this strange and beautiful man. This man who loved me and pursued me even when it was impossible for him to satisfy his hunger for all that I am. But I was in his arms now, and he in mine. And we lay down in the boat, kissing, pulling the blanket over our shoulders so not even the sun and geese and gently swaying trees could come between us.

<>

Complete list of chapters here: Last Night’s Farewell

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221 i want to explore every part of you

221
i want to explore every part of you, find every nook of beauty and cranny of loveliness and lay close beside them in quiet admiration, soaking as much of you into me as i can hold, and still i want more until you flow over me and we wash away together, floating down a lazy river in the sunday sun watching the old trees drift by

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.