Justin Blaney's Blog, page 45

108 there is nothing so lovely as coffee

108
there is nothing so lovely as coffee,
the near warmth of a friend,
and the rustle of pen and paper
on a long rainy morning

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

107 i miss you sometimes

107

i miss you sometimes
even when we’re together
like i need to be
even more with
you than i am
insatiably so
but it’s a good loneliness
because i’m with you

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

135 two souls adoring each other

135
two souls adoring each other
is the greatest gift life can give

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

216 riding the old road to fall city with the sun glancing through branches

216

riding the old road to fall city with the sun glancing through branches and white trunks of half barren trees reflecting in the rear view mirrors, I slip through lingering red leaves floating on pockets of cool air hovering low in the gullies of a highway that refuses to be made straight
the scent of pine and living room fires wash over me, and everything good in this world seems within reach
like this old highway doesn’t just lead to that little town below the fall, but to anywhere
to that place where I stay up late with a new friend, talking of the laughter we shared over breakfast, or dinner the evening before, and making plans for the laziest of weekends with nothing we’d rather do than this exact moment

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

203 she came upon him in the graveyard

she came upon him in the graveyard, the shadow named i
for passing his borders, her life was required
but she begged for another day, promising all she had
for time to find a lover she’d lost along life’s way

so he made a deal with her
each new sunrise, bought with a gift
brought to the graveyard just before dawn
the brush of her lips
the song of her soul
a lingering gaze
the scent of her hair falling upon her skin

and so she came each night
leaving a piece behind
and less of her to remain in the morning light

and the shadow, who loved her long ago
who was forgot along life’s way
collected her pieces into his arms
until she came to die with him
forever in the graveyard

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

11 and we will sink into the waves

11
and we will sink into the waves
to where dear lovers make their graves

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

Last Night’s Farewell, Chapter 13

 

i’m laying here next to you wondering if perhaps we shouldn’t do this

<>

What have I done.

I stared at the ceiling—trowel swoops and grooves in lines of sand slid into and away from each other across the white expanse of it. Elliott’s hand moved under the sheets and across my belly. I wondered if he could feel the stretch marks, the little globs of fat that clung their under the skin for dear life, refusing to burn away no matter how many hours I did on the elliptical, no matter how many kale chips and leafy no dressing salads I ate instead of burgers and pizza. I sucked in my gut and moved his hand to my hip. He snuggled in closer, a heavy leg on top of mine, kissing my neck, sleepy and warm. I realized I was holding my breath, then forced air slowly in and out of my lungs, calmly, like a normal person. Like a good wife who hasn’t just fucked another man, a man she barely knows. A man to whom she promised herself to say goodbye.

“You make me perfectly and completely happy,” he said into my neck. Of course he would say this, just as I’m starting to think of a way to escape while he’s in the shower. Even his breath smelled good. Who is so perfect that their breath smells good in the morning? His hand moved to my breast, slowly massaging and a moan escaped my lips. My heaviness wanted to slink out the door, to find space to think about who I was becoming and what I wanted. Who I wanted to share this short life with. But my body was betraying me. It wanted him under me. On top of me. Completely surrounding me. His hand slipped down my side and between my legs. I groaned. Opening my mouth, I tried to form the word stop. But instead, I begged him to fuck me again.

An hour later, I had traded my view of the ceiling for a view of my naked body in the mirror. I brushed my teeth, examining the women before me. People said she was beautiful, this girl with toothpaste on her lips and smeared makeup, but all I saw was darkness. Dark under the eyes. Dark bruises on her arm. Dark scar on her thumb from where she’d almost cut it off slicing onions for dinner. Darkness pulsing from within her, filling the entire room so that even the heat lamp, the vanity bulbs and the shower light were not bright enough to rid the shadow that grew against the wall, lurking over her.

I feel more loved than I ever have. Not even when I was dating Lysander did he make me feel so cherished, so tenderly cared for in every way I most desired. But I don’t deserve this.

Elliot appeared behind me, hugging me tight, wrapping his arms over my breasts and kissing my head. His eyes met mine in the mirror and I watched his face wash over with pain. Of course it would hurt him to see me like this, the real me, the hidden me, my nakedness and ugliness all out in the open.

“What is it?” I asked, but knew the answer already. I looked for a towel to cover myself with.

He stopped my flustered searching, and took my face in his hands. “You are the most beautiful creature God ever created.” His eyes grew wet.

I started at him for a moment, just feeling his love pour over me. “What are you crying for?”

“I love you too much.” He kissed me softly on my forehead, long and slow. I held him, never wanting to let go. And then realized again, with the worst sort of twisting in my stomach, that I had to let him go. I had to let this perfect man go. What kind of fool does that?

I heard my phone ding in the other room. “What time is it?”

“Nine thirty.”

“Shit. The kids will be late for school.”

“Relax. I took care of it.”

I paused. “How?”

“I messaged your sitter from your phone and asked her to take them this morning.”

An uneasy feeling grew inside me. “How did you unlock my phone?”

“I guessed your password.”

I felt my eyebrows raise.

“I know everything about you. Besides, the last four of your social security number isn’t exactly the hardest number to guess.”

“That’s just creepy.”

“You told me your social a long time ago. I have a good memory for numbers.”

I tried to clear my head. What day was it? What did they have to bring to school today? He started to speak and I held up my hand at him. “Shh. I have to think.”

“I took care of everything. Lysander’s at work. Rachel made the kids lunch and got all their books and took them to school an hour ago.”

“You messaged Lysander?”

“His message popped up. I couldn’t help but see it.”

“No more using my phone.”

“I was just trying to help.”

“It’s just too weird.” I found the phone and reviewed the messages. The one to Rachel had an error code that said it didn’t go through. I touched the screen and the red ‘unsent’ changed to a green ‘sent’.

“See?” Elliot said. “Nothing to worry about.”

I put the phone in my purse and resisted the urge to zip it shut. “Just wake me next time and I’ll do it, ok?”

“Deal. Now can we get breakfast? I’m starving.”

I insisted on taking an Uber instead of riding Elliot’s bike up to Capital Hill. It turned out that my favorite cafe was also Elliot’s. Cafe Pettirosso, a French style bistro with two small tables out front under an awning. Inside, even on a weekday, it was packed with so many freshly transplanted young urbanites that I felt my age and suburban Dallas roots like a chain around my neck. I passed through the crowded tables back to our table from the washroom.

Elliot slid a napkin across the table to me as I sat down. “I wrote something for you.”

“While I was in the toilet? You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s important.”

I unfolded the napkin. Inside, the handwriting was rushed with more than a couple words crossed out and rewritten.

you hid your face from me

the first time i saw you without makeup

yet your scent seeped into me still, soft and lovely

and your smile sank into me further, playful and shy

and your eyes cut me to pieces, sultry and warm as candles beside rolling hills of tossed white sheets

as you buried your face into me, i know you worried i might not like what was hidden there

so i slid my hand slowly across your cheek, down to your neck where the softest hair mingles with skin,

and held you close to hear me whisper

you are perfectly beautiful, just like this

and makeup and clothes and jewelry and perfume

merely frame the masterpiece you are

I looked up at Elliot. “Fuck. Why are you so perfect?

“I’m just saying what is true.”

“How I supposed to let you go?”

“You don’t have to.”

A waiter walked past us. Ripples danced on the surface of my untouched orange juice.

“You don’t understand. I can’t work on my marriage with Lysander if you’re writing me these letters.”

“Then I’ll stop writing.”

“It’s not just the letters. It’s you. All of you.” I looked at him, thinking of just the right words. He waited, staring at me with so much passion and love I felt everyone in the room must be jealous of us, to have a love so pure and powerful between two people.

Finally I spoke. “You are the man I always wanted. The man I always knew existed.”

He reached across the table, taking my hands into his.

“I’ll be your friend. I’ll be anything. Just don’t leave me. I can’t let you out of my life again.”

“We can’t be just-friends. We’ll end up in bed again. And again. And the guilt will tear me apart until Lysander finds out. Then he’ll feel justified in leaving me for someone else.”

“Maybe you should let him go.”

“My parents divorced when I was a kid. I hated it. Our girls deserve to have both their parents.”

“You’re right. I told you I want you to be with Lysander. Stay with him. I’ll be here, your friend. I’ll encourage you, give you the things your heart most needs. And you can keep your family together.”

I stood up just as the waffles and strawberries arrived. Trying to smile at the waiter, I cursed him silently for interrupting my escape. Finally he was gone. “I’m sorry Elliot. I can’t do this. Please, if you love me as you say you do, you need to give me space.”

I watched tears roll down his cheeks. “Please, just sit and talk to me. Don’t leave like this. You don’t know what this will do to me.”

I found my purse and coat. “I can’t stay. I’m sorry. I have to go.”

“Adela. I love you. Please.”

“I know you’ll be loved in this world. But I can’t have you. I just can’t.”

“But I only want you.”

“I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Don’t say that.”

I looked at the door. “Goodbye Elliot. I know that I’ll remember you forever. Thank you for loving me.”

I didn’t look back. Not even through the small windows by the two tables outside. Not even as I felt him run out the cafe and stare at me from under the overhang. Not as the rain came down over me, drenching my hair and face, filling every part of me with water, heavy and cold. I didn’t look back once.

<>

Complete list of chapters here: Last Night’s Farewell

I’m hoping this is an interactive experience. Comments, ideas, and feedback are welcome.

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29 paddle cross the water into fog

29
paddle cross the water into fog
where ghosts and memories embrace in wet air
we venture there and leave behind
layers of all that life has lost
and gaze through frosted glass
to our hopeful future past

whispered thoughts hover over ripples
to the lover’s heartbeat of oars slipping into cover
of darkness and underworld
fog is where old bones journey far from home
driven by the tidal fear of dying alone

 

 

 

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.

 

Last Night’s Farewell, Chapter 12

you and i have one dance with life

what matters most is who you’re holding when the music stops

<>

Elliot touched my arm. “Would you give us a moment?”

I didn’t answer. Just turned and found my glass of Cabernet waiting for me at the bar, little white napkin centered perfectly on top. I drank half of the glass before putting it down. Purple was a two story wine bar with a spiral staircase that lead to something that looked like a treehouse for storing bottles. Everything, from the tables to the chairs to the sliding restroom doors were made from steel. I’m sure none of it was designed by a 100lb 5 foot 2 woman—I could barely scoot the stool out from the bar without falling over. I stared past Elliot and Danny, watching a girl my size struggle to navigate her chair.

Danny pulled Elliot closer. He resisted. They argued. I pretended to look at my phone, took another drink of wine, then looked up to see Elliot kiss Danny on the cheek. She shook her said, anger and pain on her face. I watched her lips say “goodbye.”

The noise of people shouting above each other grew loud in my ears and I was suddenly overwhelmed with the need to leave. I grabbed my things and headed for the door.

Elliot stopped me. “Don’t go.”

“I have to get out of here.”

“I’ll go with you.”

“You have Danny.”

He reached for me.

“Don’t touch me.”

“I told her goodbye.”

“So what was your deal with her? Another lover?”

“It’s not like that.”

“I can’t believe I fell for this.”

Danny shoved past me. “You can have him,” she said.

“What was that for?” I said.

She turned. “You deserve each other. You’re both fucking crazy.”

I called after her as she walked away, but she ignored me. “Elliot,” I said “What the hell is going on?”

“She’s gone.”

“How do you know her?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“You kissed her.”

“And I’m never going to see her again.”

I felt the rush of wine move into my head and the room began to spin. “I’m so tired of this mystery. Just fucking tell me what’s going on.”

He stared at me a long time. “Let’s go somewhere quieter.”

“And you’ll tell me?”

He nodded.

I found my things and paid the bill. We crossed the street and walked a block down Union toward the waterfront. We stopped outside Benoyra Hall. “Are we going to a concert?”

“This is where I parked.”

I looked around. “Are we driving that dump truck?”

“No. I rode over on my Vulcan.”

I stared at the black and chrome motorcycle backed against the curb. “You’re serious.”

He pulled a helmet from the saddle bag and put it in my hands, then slipped one over his head. “You ever ride before?”

I laughed. “Yeah. That’s how I got here too.”

“You’re gonna love it. Promise.”

“Elliot. I’m in a dress. It’s freezing.”

“We’re only going 10 blocks.” He mounted the bike and started it up. Thank God it wasn’t as loud as most bikes. What the hell is it about people wanting their motorcycles so loud?

“Do you need help with the strap?”

“I got it.” I fumbled with the damn thing for another few seconds, then pathetically asked for help.

“I couldn’t figure it out the first time either.” He pulled the strap tight. “Get on when you’re ready.”

“Oh my gosh. I’m so nervous.” I tiptoed toward him, then swung my leg over the seat, trying to tuck my dress in behind me. “I guess I’m giving a free show.”

He revved the engine, and released the clutch. The motorcycle took off. I squealed and wrapped my arms tight around him. He switched gears and we raced down the road. The smell of gas gave way to waves of scent, pine tree and then trash and then salt water. The air was bitter on my face and loud in my ears. But the city sparkled like I’d never seen, bright and clear, forming crystalline lines through my buzzed vision. Two guys in a mustang with their windows down pulled next to us at a red light. The driver took his time looking at me, a toothpick in his mouth and a hungry grin. The light turned. Their tires spun on the pavement slick with wet leaves as the mustang tore off. Elliot, thankfully, let them zip ahead of us. We passed a row of homeless laying under a sidewalk construction overhang, covered from head to toe by sleeping bags—red, black, yellow, blue—and all their possessions piled beside them or at their feet or in toddler bicycle trailers or Trader Joe’s grocery carts. A few drops of rain pelted my face. They stung, and came faster, until we stopped outside the hotel.

Elliot backed the bike into the curb. He put my helmet back in the saddle bag and locked his to the handlebar. “What did you think?”

“Like a roller coaster.”

He laughed. “I’m glad you liked it.”

I did like it. But I was still going to say goodbye to him, I reminded myself. Tonight was the last time I’d see him. I had to let him go.

The lobby bar was empty except for a dozen glass fish hanging from the ceiling lit with LEDs. They glowed purple and green, casting reflections on the wood slab bar top. Elliot spoke with the bartender and I watched the little lights sparkling and shining. They seemed to dance, each taking turns with another, passing partners and twirling skirts across the canvas of the dark space between us. I felt Elliot’s hand slip into mine. Our fingers interweaved.

“Let’s go up to my room. They’ll send up a bottle of wine.”

“I don’t know if we should.”

“I just want to be able to talk.”

It’s not you I’m worried about.

The elevator door opened and we glided in. I pulled away from Elliot, put my back against the cold wall. He leaned against the other wall, across from me. We stared at each other as the elevator pulled my stomach down. It smelled like lavender and spice. Unrecognizable music pulsed softly, the kind created to disappear into your body and make you move against someone. I’m going to say good bye, I repeated to myself. Twice.

The doors slid open and the sexy elevator voice said, “Tenth floor.” Elliot grinned at me. We walked toward his room and the memory of fleeing here just a few hours earlier, under the watchful eye of the cleaning lady pressed fresh and strong upon me. I felt I was living this morning in reverse. He held the door to him room for me. The lights were off. When the door shut behind us we were surrounded in darkness. I heard Elliot stumble and then a burst of light came from the lamp between a pair of plush chairs.

Sitting in one, he pulled his tie off and unfastened the top two buttons of his shirt. I realized I was just standing there, slumping really, staring at him. I moved to the chair, my feet dragging on the carpet. I leaned back, letting the fluffy cushion envelope me. “Oh, I could sleep right here I think.”

“You can if you want.”

I pulled myself upright. “I need to tell you something.”

“Ok.”

“I’m afraid you’re going to be upset.”

He leaned forward, put his hand on my bare knee. It inched ever so slightly up toward the hem of my dress. “I know you have to pour yourself into your marriage.”

“It’s more than that. I can’t see you anymore.”

“Oh Adela.”

“You’re too much for me. I’m certain I’ll give you everything if I keep seeing you.”

He took a long breath. “I understand.”

“Are you hurt?”

“I didn’t know it was possible to hurt so much.”

“Please don’t say that. You knew it had to be this way.”

“I can make you better. That’s all I ever wanted, to make you happy.”

I hugged him tight. “I believe you.”

“You should just go.”

“I could stay a while.”

“What’s the point. I can’t let this drag out. I have to believe— no I’m a fool to believe. Fuck I feel like a fool.”

“You’re not a fool. You’re in love.”

“And you don’t love me. You don’t even remember me.”

“Help me to.”

“I guess I owe you the story. How we know each other.”

“Yes. Tell me. I need to know the truth.”

A knock came at the door. Elliot let in a man with a cart draped in white. The waiter popped a bottle of Champagne and put it on ice. Elliot handed him a tip and the man left.

“Would you like a glass?” Elliot said as he poured one for himself.

“Yeah, I think I’ll need one to go through with this.”

He sat down again, handing me a narrow vial of bubbling white wine. “But before that, how I know so much about you.”

I waited while he took a drink.

“Well, you’re going to find this a little hard to believe.”

“That’s what you keep saying.”

He adjusted his sleeves. “Ok. Here goes. There’s going to be a devastating world war five years from now. You’re the general of the army that wins. The losing side has sent assassins back in time to murder you. You sent me here to save your life.”

He held a straight face until I raised my eyebrows at him. His face cracked into a smile.

“Isn’t that the plot from the Terminator?” I said.

“Would that make me Arnold Schwarzenegger?”

“Fuck, Elliot! I thought you were going to be serious.”

“I told you already. You didn’t like my story.

“Right. We were together a long time ago.”

“And you just forgot about me.”

“How is that even possible?” I said.

“There’s a condition, where your mind completely blocks someone out, just one person.”

“That’t not true.”

He handed me his phone. “Look it up.”

“Whatever. If you’re not going to tell me, I’ll just go.”

His hand moved to my knee, then up. “Adela. Listen to me. I’m never letting you go.”

“But you have to. I can’t be friends with you.”

His hand traced my skin. I felt goosebumps form on my leg and spread over my back, up my spine.

“But you’re my perfect match. You expect me to just forget about you?”

I looked at the blank TV. He put his hand on my cheek and turned my face toward his. He was close.

“Do you feel anything for me?” he said.

“Yes of course. That’s the problem. I feel things for you I can’t explain.”

He smelled like a man and he smelled good. Something faint and clean, a scent that begged me into his arms. I breathed in, wanting to take all I could, to remember this. This moment pure and unadulterated by the pain and tediacy of life, this rush of chemicals tearing me apart. His brilliant blue eyes were wet, and his eyebrows sagged.

“Hold me,” he said. “Hold me once before you go.”

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and felt him pull me into his embrace. His body heat soothed my shivering. His face was rough against my skin, but I wanted more. I wanted to press myself into him until it hurt, to feel his hunger. I pulled back, my lips tracing his cheek, and his mine. He kissed the edge of my mouth. I kissed the edge of his. His hand moved down my back, and then my thigh.

“I can’t let you go.” He kissed my cheek, soft and lingering with desire. “I can’t give up on us.” His hand brushed my face. His lips hovered close to mine.

But I had to say good bye.

Our lips sought what they desired, and we kissed. Soft and quiet and pausing in time’s wandering seconds fading blissfully into endlessness. He moved slowly down my neck as my body filled with him.

There was still time for goodbye, before we’d gone too far.

“Lay down with me.” I said. “Just for a minute.”

He led me to the bed. We kissed, harder this time. I lay on top of him, pushed my tongue into his mouth. Our hands searched for places and parts of each other to cherish.

I sat up, suddenly. “I can’t do this.”

With a long breath, he rose beside me. “You have to say goodbye.” He found a leather journal on the nightstand. “Can I read you something first? Something I wrote for you.”

“That sounds lovely.” I leaned into his chest. “Give me words to remember you by.”

I stared out the window at the glistening city lights and stars hung in the sky above, and felt his hands tremble as he spoke, soft and low, his voice finding a way deep inside me.

last night, i watched you dance across the sky as moon chased sun from horizon

your fingers traced the atmosphere, running along its surface, ripples circling from your touch

and where you stopped, they who live in the clouds gathered around, building fires to warm toes under the cold darkening sky, singing songs to you, of beauty so endless no one has mapped the borders, of an untamable heart that beats to the rhythm of a thousand adventures flowing one into another until even the collapse of blissful exhaustion wrapped in arms and covered in kisses is still another perfect moment to collect and ponder how so much joy can exist in such a small pin prick of time, of your living light that breathes passion for life into all this world

and you danced on, your toes dipping the water here and there, fiery lights springing up after

i held my breath to hear the singing of wandering voices in the revolving night

the music entered me, tingled through my veins and into my finger tips

and suddenly you appeared above me, descending in mist and fire

i prayed you would lay beside me for a while so i could feel your warmth fill me

and you did

i was tempted to touch you, even to just hold your hand in mine, perhaps to let our fingers intertwine, but whenever i got too close the warmth of your soul was too hot and i knew i could not contain the repercussions of what would happen if i indulged even one touch of your skin

so i focused on breathing

in

out

slowly

and tried not to tremble

for i was in the presence of

you

the author of this night sky, the girl who fills stars with shimmering light

He looked into my eyes, shy and eager. I took the journal from his hand and it fell to the floor.

“Did you like it?” he said.

I nodded. He kissed the neckline of my dress, nuzzling down lower until the cloth would stretch no further. I shut my eyes and felt goosebumps spread over me like words from his mouth over midnight waters. When I looked again, he was close, his eyes so intensely taking me in. I felt him embracing every corner of me, every shadowed closet and hidden place, every secret and untold dream, all in one glance. I could think of nothing but the two of us, this place, this moment, this aching inside me that would not be satisfied until I sank into his knowingness. It was too late for goodbye.

I lifted my arms above me. Surprise flashed in his eyes, then a soft smile. His hands moved slowly under the fabric around my thighs and up my side until the dress slipped over my head. I fell backward on the pillows and he came upon me, kissing as he went.

<>

Complete list of chapters here: Last Night’s Farewell

I’m hoping this is an interactive experience. Comments, ideas, and feedback are welcome.

The best way to get each new chapter is to subscribe to email updates below

105 to fear loneliness is to fear oneself

105
to fear loneliness is to fear oneself
whoever is content with being lonely
has learned to love her own company

 

 

 

All my books are free forever including, Where Whispers Willow, a collection of 100 reverie, musings and lingering dreams.