Ruth Buchanan's Blog, page 33

Why Crutches Are Actually Sort of Awesome

Okay...
So perhaps I overreacted the other day by claiming that my crutches wanted me dead. Given the benefit of hindsight, I recognize that I may have been a tad overwhelmed by the difficulties of being a temporary cripple.
Fear not! My emotional equilibrium having reasserted itself, I'm now fully prepared to recognize that there are some distinct advantages to my situation!
I have enumerated them for you below.  No doubt by the conclusion of this article, it is you who will be e...

How to Tell if Your Crutches Want You Dead

If you've ever sustained an injury necessitating the use of crutches, you have my pity.  Not only is your injured appendage likely throbbing with pain at the very hint of a muscle twitch, but you also move in constant dread of losing your life at the hands of your new arch-nemesis: your crutches.
How to Tell if Your Crutches Want You Dead
TOP WARNING SIGNS:
1. You own crutches.  If you own and are currently using crutches, pay attention! As an unsuspecting victim who just wants to surv...

The Dangers of Looking After Other People's Children

Having recently looked after my friend's set of eight-year-old twins, I've been pondering the distinct dangers that other people's children pose to my existence.
Allow me to explain.
The Dangers of Looking After Other People's Children

1. They cannot be trusted.  Any sentence beginning with the phrase "Well, my mom says...." or "My dad always lets us..." is suspect.

Also, beware going down conversational rabbit holes such as the following:
OPC (Other Person's Child) 1: Hey! Um, can we ea...

The Dangers of Living as a Single Adult

It's certainly not for everyone, but if you should choose to live your life as a single adult, allow me to congratulate you on your choice! There are some definite upsides to the single-adult lifestyle!
There are also, I should warn you, some distinct challenges. Dangers, even!
Allow me to take a moment to enumerate them for you.
The Dangers of Living as a Single Adult:

1. You seemed doomed to throw away spoiled food.  It's either that or after having baked a chicken-and-broccoli c...

How to Direct a Play

1. Agonize for months over what script would be best for your group of actors.
2. Eliminate all of your favorite choices because the cast parameters are too large/small, too expensive, or require too many guys.
3. Settle on your third-favorite script.
4. Hold tryouts.  Realize you will never have enough guys. Considering casting your cat as the male lead.
5. Cast some girls as guys.
6. Invest in sticky-on mustaches and spirit gum.
7. Teach blocking.
8. Teach actors how to say lines without soun...

How to Deal with Pre-teens

Having spent the past thirteen years in the classroom, I've been able to witness the complete chaos that often results from the onset of puberty.  One day you are dealing with a perfectly rational upper elementary student who seems on the verge of putting away childish things and moving directly into mini-adulthood. The next day, this promising mini-human has suddenly transformed into gawky, gangling bundle of braying laughter and high-strung hormones who cannot seem to get out of his ow...

Shakespeare's Macbeth (The Scottish Play), Super-Condensed

SHAKESPEARE SUPER-CONDENSEDTM:For When You Only Have Thirty Seconds to Study

Act I
*thunder and lightning*

Duncan: That Macbeth.  What a boss.
Witches: *cackle*
Macbeth: What ho! I shall be king!
Banquo: Simmer down.
Witches: *cackle*

Lady Macbeth: NO COMPUNCTIONS SHALL SHAKE MY FELL PURPOSE.
Macbeth: Erm...?

Duncan: Honored Hostess!
Lady Macbeth: *nostril flare*

Act II

Macbeth: IS THIS A DAGGER I SEE BEFORE ME??

*stab stab*

Lady Macbeth: A little water clears us of the deed!
Macbeth: *flail*

L...

Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing, Super-Condensed

SHAKESPEARE SUPER-CONDENSEDTM:For When You Only Have Thirty Seconds to Study
Act I

Don Pedro: HELLO!!!
All: HELLO!
Hero & Claudio: *doe eyes*
Benedick & Beatrice: *RAWR*
Claudio: I'm in love!
Don Pedro: I'm a matchmaker!
Benedick: I'm an idiot! But also sort of adorable! And I will never marry! Haha!
Don John: You're all morons.

Act II

Beatrice: I'm sharp-tongued and shewish. But also sort of awesome. And I will never marry! Tralalalala!
Don Pedro: Here, Claudio, I've won Hero for you just as I p...

How to Interpret Status Updates

With the prevalence of social media and its growing importance in daily life, it is imperative that we learn to interpret status updates. You know what I mean. As you flip through your mental catalogue of online contacts, you are no doubt able to begin grouping their status updates into categories such as the following:
BUCOLIC - Short descriptions of daily life. ("I am drinking a coffee.")HYDRAULIC - Inordinately impassioned pronouncements, apropos of nothing. ("Life is awesome...

How to Quote The Lord of the Rings

If you're like me--meaning you're not afraid to admit that the release of The Hobbit led first to one LOTRathon (the movies) and then to another LOTRathon (the books1)--then you too have probably been dealing with Lord of the Rings Brain for the better part of the past month. 
If you've ever found yourself thinking that every spider is a baby Shelob, that no tense moment is complete without at least humming some dramatic music, or that no outfit looks complete without a cap...