Essa Alroc's Blog, page 24

Get to the Point Already!!!

I spend way to much time psychoanalyzing men I don’t know.

In order to get where I’m going, you need to understand a little bit about who I am in relation to my friends. If my life was a romantic comedy, I would be the wacky, moderately slutty, best friend. The one who never has a boyfriend and it always there for long, in depth conversations about the leading man with the leading leady.

Being the wacky best friend has benefits and drawbacks. As the wacky best friend, I rarely have problems of my own. Benefit.

Because I have very few problems, I often have to take on the roll of sympathetic ear listen to other peoples problems. Generally, it’s not a complete drawback. I do enjoy a good story. The keyword being ‘good’.

Unfortunately, many of my female friends think I need to know every single detail before they finally tell me what the root issue is. The whole time their talking, all I really want to do is scream “get to the point already!!!”

I am the exact opposite of this type of story teller.

One of my friends, Kay, says I tell stories like a man. In one sentence. I never give details. Instead, I hit the high points. Here’s a transcript of one of our deep conversations;

Kay: So you’re not talking to Jessica anymore?

Essa: Nope.

Kay: Why not?

Essa: Because she’s a cunt

Kay: Really? Why’s that?

Essa: My guess would be genetics.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve given a decent run down. Essa is no longer talking to Jessica because Jessica is a cunt, most likely because her mom is a cunt. But Kay doesn’t see it that way, Kay wants details.

It’s not that I don’t want to give details. It’s that I tell my story in inverted paragraph format, like journalists use.

That way, if Kay and I get into a car accident and die while we’re talking, at least she’ll die knowing that I think Jessica is a cunt.

Many of my friends tell stories the opposite way, giving tons of unnecessary details, making me forget what the hell they were talking about. Let me give you a run down of a telephone conversation I had last week.

It’s late Thursday evening. Essa is laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling fan and wondering why she is so dizzy. The phone rings. It’s Lisa.

Essa: Hel…

Lisa: (Cuts Essa off immediately. Her voice is thick with tears) I’m fucking done with Mark. That guy is an asshole.

Essa: (reaches into a nightstand drawer and pulls out one of her special ‘organic’ emergency cigarettes. She takes one brief sharp inhale before responding.) What did he do?

Lisa: (sniffles) well, it all started in December at his sister’s birthday party…

Essa: (as Lisa’s voice drones on, Essa starts to feel a little buzzed. She realizes she hasn’t been paying attention. She tunes back in…)

Lisa: …and I told him there was no way we’re keeping chickens in the apartment….

Essa: (wants chicken for reasons she doesn’t understand. Realizes that Lisa has paused and she is expected to respond.) Um, commitment issues?

Lisa: Exactly! Anyway, this past weekend…

Essa: (Lisa’s words are slowly lulling Essa to sleep. She is just about to doze off. The phone slips away from her ear)

Lisa:  …so after he invited his college roommate to join us for a threesome, I lost it. I killed him and dismembered him in the bathroom.

Essa: (eyes pop back open immediately and she is no longer sleepy) You didn’t think to lead off with that?

I have no problem listening to my friend’s problems, but I will admit, I think like a man. I’m thinking of solutions. When someone calls me to say they killed someone, I don’t go into sympathy mode. I go into ‘get rid of the body and think of an alibi’ mode.

I look for solutions. That’s why I like to know what the problem is up front. So I know whether I’m going to say ‘dump him’ or ‘get over it’.

Anyway, I really think that the inverted pyramid could really help us all be a bit more decisive. Give me the basic issue first, and then expand on the details as needed.

Ladies out there, I have no problem listening to your problems. Honestly, I fucking live for drama. But if you’re going to tell a story, you’re going to need to hook your listener. Otherwise, know that I’m dozing off on the other end of the line, repeating generic phrases I heard on Dr. Phil

 

I Hate Low Rise Jeans!

My brother has a theory. His theory comes from being a world traveler and a regular watcher of women’s asses. He is an experienced adventurer on both fronts.

And he has figured out why the muffin top is so prevalent in the United States. Simply stated, the culprit is low rise jeans.

I’m just going to say this. I know they’re trendy. I know that lower is supposed to be better, but I absolutely hate low rise jeans. First, I have a bitch of a time finding a size I can pack my ass into, that actually fits my waist. I usually get a three inch gap in the waistline and skintight fabric across the ass.

This is a recipe for butt crack disaster. Any time I bend over wearing these horrible things, half my ass hangs out and I start unintentionally mooning strangers.

And now I find out that they might be giving me a muffin top. See, in places like Brazil and Italy, where you see those perfect hourglass figures, women favor higher waist jeans. This squeezes their figure into a constant hourglass.

 

Here, you see fashion designers deciding our waists start somewhere at the pubic bone, and they squeeze us into unnatural shapes, creating the muffin top.

I think constantly wearing clothes like this might permanently change someone’s body. I even did my own accidental study.

I own a girdle. Its one of those medical, industrial strength kinds with steel boning. I got it about 5 years ago, following a slightly botched tummy tuck.

Let’s not pretend anyone is surprised that I’ve had plastic surgery and move on.

What happened was I had some keloid scars form on the inside following the surgery. The only thing that can relieve the pain is pressure. So I have a girdle that I use to squeeze the friggen life out of myself. And it works.

A few weeks ago they started to act up again so I dug through my closet and broke out the girdle. I’ve been wearing it 8 to 10 hours per day for the past 3 weeks.

Last night, as I was cleaning out my closet again, I started trying on jeans. This is usually a depressing practice where I tug on a pair of size 6 that haven’t fit me since high school. Then, I bitch about how good I used to look and get drunk.

This time, they fit perfectly, no muffin top in sight.

I think my brother is right. The human body is a hell of a lot more play doughy than we thought. Just to test it out, I’m gonna squeeze this thing a few inches tighter. If I don’t die, I’ll let you all know my findings.

 

New Page – The SEO Slut

Hi guys, this is just an update. I’ve been wanting to write more in depth articles on SEO and increasing a page rank and site hits, however, I wasn’t sure how many of my followers would be interested in reading articles like that. As that’s the case, I’ve decided to start a new page, The SEO Slut, to post those articles on.

If you have questions regarding SEO, increasing page rank or other computer tech stuff, this page discusses those.

—>> Click here to check out The SEO Slut

Friday’s Featured Blogger; Aaron Frale of Ideas That Will Not Change the World

Subject: Aaron Frale of Ideals That Will Not Change the World

Location: Undisclosed Rehab Facility

I arrive at a rehab facility for my meeting with Aaron Frale. Apparently, he had decided to get a jump on his rock career early with a preemptive stay at rehab.

The only problem with that philosophy is that I don’t recall him being addicted to anything.

I’m led to a serene blue visitor’s area as I wait for Aaron to arrive. He comes in after a few minutes and sits at the table and I finally give in.

“Rehab, really?” I raise a skeptical eyebrow.

Aaron smiles. “You have no idea of the connections I’m making in here! I even met the guy from American Idol!”

“Simon Cowell?” I’m impressed.

“No, Ryan Dunkleman.”

I’m significantly less impressed. “But you aren’t addicted to anything!”

Aaron Shrugs. “That’s easy. Remember that old show ‘Rescue Me’ with Denis Leary?”

I nod.

“Whenever we have group sessions, I just tell stories from that show and claim it was me. If anyone around here asks, I’m a scarred New York City firefighter with a drinking problem.”

“You got it. You want to get this party started?”

“As they say in AA ‘there’s no time like the present’”

“They don’t say that in AA.” I shake my head and pull out my tape recorder.

 ***

Tell us about your site, Ideas That Won’t Not Change the World. What inspired you to write it? What are your goals with it?

Ideas That Won’t Change the World pretty much started out as a way for me to write comedy about science and technology. Most dudes go for the sports section of the paper, I go to the science and space articles. So when I read about robotic sex dolls trying to pass the Turing test or food printers, my natural sense of comedy takes over. Considering Python’s Holy Grail was my Holy Grail as a kid (I seriously watched it till I had it memorized), I tend to think of the silly outcomes of technology.

I’ve also branched to different topics when the mood strikes me. For example, I wrote about why the rapture would actually be a good thing because I thought about all the silly ways zealots like to control everybody else’s behavior or the time someone told me “Gay people didn’t exist until recently” and other such nonsense.  I’ve even blogged about the time I ran through the airport with a cat.

As far as my goals for Ideas That Won’t Change the World, I would like to turn it into something like The Onion but with a science and technology focus. Ideally, I would love to find some other humor writers with a science/space/tech twist  that would work for free while we build readers. And then talk about how we make it a career after we have enough readers.

Tell us about your books.

My books are basically collections of my humor essays. Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre is the best because I’m a better writer than I was. Porn Free Bibles is good and has some gems but as one reader pointed out ” it reads like you have a squirrel in your head.” On a side note, I picked the title because I wanted to cause controversy and sell some books. But it failed as I only ended up pissing off one thirteen-year-old kid, which you can read in the B&N reviews of the book (The kid really had it out for me. They have been doing a new one star review once a month for about two years or so now). Free Advicehas some good moments and raw writing but it is a grammatical train wreck because I was really young when I tried to first self publish and didn’t know what I was doing. People have told me revisit it and make a new edition. Maybe one day, when I have the time.

I do also want to say that Man Versus Masterpiece Theatre is all online for free by going through the archives of my blog (though the book is the “best of”). But I take the stance on it like I do with my music. If you like what I do and want to support me, please pay for it. If you like an independent writer, musician, or film maker, buy their crap. The only reason Hollywood makes the same terrible movie you saw last year, or record companies clone the same damn band every year, is because people are paying for it. If you pay for the music, writing, etc. that you like, you are voting for it. You are telling the world, please make more like this.

You recently took a trip to Ireland. Do the stereotypes hold true? 

If you consider that pubs are more common than Starbucks, I would say there is some truth to the stereotypes. But in all seriousness, here’s a snippet from my blog:

“The US could really take a lesson in hospitality from the Irish.  For example, there is a little protein called gluten found in wheat, barley, and rye that causes excessive burping and anal leakage in my digestive system; This condition is commonly known as TMI. When I ask an American server about gluten free options, the transaction transpires like this:

Me: Do you have a gluten free bread? That’s bread made without wheat, barely or rye

Server: We can use white bread instead of the wheat.

And if you are lucky enough in the US to have a gluten free option, they usually charge $2 more. I’m guessing they are using that $2 to pay for the gluten-free training class:

Teacher: Glutens are a short stubby people with comically large ears and noses. They are usually used to dance for the local lord while he claps.

Student: Couldn’t they just free the glutens? Like glutens but free?

Teacher: Sounds like we need a time travel field trip! Got to use the $2 extra we pay for bread somehow!

Back in the Middle Ages

The class watches a short stubby Mel Gibson with comically large ears and nose and a blue painted face rallies the troops.

Mel Gibson: They can take our lives but they can’t take our freedom. Unless they’re Jews. Am I right? Am I right?

Troops: Boo!

In Ireland, not only did just about every server know about gluten, they had options and they didn’t charge you more for it! We were at an Irish counter service fish n’ chips place and they made a fillet without the breading like it was no big deal. Try to deviate from menu in an American fast food place and they treat you like you asked them to ritually sacrifice a cow for you.”

You won an award for co-writing Hamlet: the Vampire Slayer. Tell us about it.

Hamlet: The Vampire Slayer was sort of the crowning achievement of a sketch comedy theatre group I used to do shows with. We’d do silly parody mash-ups like Dracula Goes to College or Beach Blanket Lobotomy (Frankenstein as a beach party movie) . Hamlet TVS was the most successful. When it was a live show, patrons kept trying to come see it after the show had closed. We decided to make it more permanent (theatre is fun but it disappears after the show closes). So we got $3000, a camera, some lights and sort of stumbled our way through making a feature (I do mean stumbled. Let’s just say we won’t get any technical awards for the film).  It got in a film fest in Syracuse, NY and we got Best Writer during the fest. A professor of Shakespeare from NYU came up to us after the show and said he loved it. It’s up for sale on Amazon but we are no where near to the point of recovering our losses. But suffice to say if you like Airplane! like comedies, you’ll probably get a kick out of Hamlet TVS. And if you want to see my one speaking roll, check out the deleted scenes for the Midsummer Night’s Dream sequence. I play Mustardseed.

Tell us about Spiral and your upcoming album, Our Final Days on Bellicus Prime

So Spiral is my other creative life. I call it other because Spiral is really unique. I know just about every rock and metal band out there says they are unique, but end up sounding like every other band. But it Spiral’s case, it’s true. Almost every reviewer seems to have trouble pegging us for genre because of our style. But we sound like Peter Murphy, Marilyn Manson, and Lzzy Hale making love in a beat up pick up truck in a post apocalyptic landscape with Pink Floyd and Evanescence mutants shambling with Metallica and Tangerine Dream robot death armies. Or you can just hear for yourself with a song called The Snake from our most recent release Mind Trip in A Minor (that’s me on vocals for this one).

We really like to tell stories with our music. I’m a huge Sci-Fi fan so I usually end up writing the plot of our more Sci-Fi albums. Our Final Days on Bellicus Prime will be a little different from all our others in that it won’t just tell a story lyrically but each song will have a short story associated with it that will be published in a book by the same name. So for example, one song that I wrote from the album is called “Photographs”. There will also be a story called “Photographs” in the book.  Basically Chris (the other core member of Spiral) and I split the stories up. Mine will read more like Star Trek episodes whereas Chris has the more wild and disturbing stories. To get an idea of our styles check out the plot of our first album The Death of Billy Jensen for Chris and the plot of The Capital in Ruins for me. It should be a good mix of stories and the music is some of the best we’ve written. You can get a taste of the album in this video:

What musician do you wish would fall off a cliff… (feel free to push a bunch off, like lemmings)?

I think the lemming analogy fits for One Direction because they are younger, more successful, and better looking than me.

Who do you think is the most underrated musician?

There is this band called The Espers that makes me musically ejaculate every time I hear their music. It’s rather inconvenient on the commute to work. I recommend the songs Caroline from the album titled III or Mansfield and Cyclops from II to start (Mansfield and Cyclops was the first song I ever heard of theirs and I was hooked). They have really dark and beautiful music. They have this rare quality in a band where I can just listen to their music over and over and get lost in it. My favorite bands have an album or two that I can do that with. Like The Decemberists for example, I can listen to The Hazards of Love over and over but while their other work is good, it doesn’t have same magic (exceptions of course for The Tain and The Mariner’s Revenge). However, with The Espers every album in their discography has that relistenability.

As a musician, what is your favorite rehab facility?

The pubs in Ireland are a great place to relax and recoup. When injecting 8 balls into your eyes no longer does it for you, you may as well stick to the tried and true ways of alcoholism.

What celebrities do you want at your intervention?

I would want Seth Rogen to be there because he seriously looks like me (I’ll even provide photos for proof). Once I hit rock bottom, we could devise some madcap scheme to switch places. I could finally full fill my dream of starring and writing comedy and he could be a rock star for a while. If I were to place bets on what would lead me to quit my day job (which is English Teacher by the way), I’d put it into Spiral. I’ve been interviewed a number of times as a member of Spiral but this is my first ever interview as a comedy writer. So thank you for the opportunity to have my virginity soiled.

***

I put away my tape recorder as the orderly arrives. “Mr. Gavin, its time to return to the common room for donut and movie night.”

“You guys get donuts?”

“You kidding,” Aaron laughs, “this place is awesome. We have everything. Indoor swimming pool, go carts, horseback riding. It’s like a vacation without the booze.”

That sounds nice. I could use a vacation. “Can I stay?”

The orderly shakes his head. “This place is only for people with substance abuse problems.”

“I do have a substance abuse problem,” I protest. “I’m addicted to pain killers, but it’s only in reaction to my incredibly complex life. See I’m a nurse, a very good one. But I have a lot of personal issues and to cope, I use pain killers. My name is Essa, but all my friends call me Jackie.”

The orderly goes to get the paperwork and I give Aaron a discreet fist bump.

If you want to check out Aaron’s page, he can be found here, his band Spiral can be found here. Or you could just kill two birds with one stone and follow him on Twitter.

Getting More Traffic to Your Blog – The Sleazy Way

Chances are, if you’ve recently started a website, then you’ve been looking online for ways to increase traffic to your page. Let me guess what you’ve already read.

Comment on posts. Like other posts. Write about a niche topic. Interact in the community. Link to other bloggers posts so they’ll link back to your page. Share your posts with your Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. Invite people to comment on your posts by asking a question at the end. Interact, interact, inter-fucking-act!!!!

You’ll probably hear some boring shit about metatags and SEO too. If you’re like me, and you write humor, then meta means nothing to you. That is, unless you’re cramming the words ‘humor’ and ‘super funny jokes’ in at a 5% keyword density. If you are, let me tell you right now, your posts probably aren’t that funny.

So how do you do it when you’re like me and Google considers you irrelevant because you’re funny? Well, you just get sleazy.

Rule #1 – Write controversy and pick a controversial stance.

It’s a fact of life, people actually enjoy being offended. Trust me, they love it! To date, my three most popular posts are as follows; “So You Have a Penis?…Then I Don’t Care About Your Opinion on Abortion”, “No, You Don’t Have PTSD… You’re Just a Pussy” and “A Response to Hate Mail”. On all three of these posts, I take an aggressive stance against something and piss a hell of a lot of people off when I’m doing it.

But despite all the intelligently worded responses I get, such as “Fuck You Cunt!!!!” and “Ur a Stupid Bitch”, I also get several hundred views, multiple FB and Twitter shares and tons of reblogs every week. So  I have to spend two minutes out of my day deleting hate mail in exchange for several hundred page views a week. I’ll take it.

Rule #2 – Start some shit with strangers.

This is different from the controversy thing because you have a different goal. Backlinks!!! I can’t tell you how many people backlink to one of my articles in order to talk about how stupid my opinion is. Thanks idiots, because when you’re backlinking my page to talk about how irrelevant my opinion is, you’re actually telling Google that I am relevant and giving my page rank a bump. Then I delete your pingback to show Google how irrelevant you are…and also because I’m a bitch.

Rule #3 – Shamelessly pander to get Freshly Pressed.

You’ll notice that occasionally, I’ll post something that qualifies as light and moderately clean humor. No, I didn’t let my maiden aunt take over my blog for the day. I’m shamelessly pandering to get into the Freshly Pressed area. It’s a well known fact that Freshly Pressed only accepts amusing stories about parenting and animals, so I occasionally throw one out there and see what happens. It’s worked a couple times. I try not to make a habit of it though, because if I turned this page into a mommy blog, I’d have to kill myself.

Rule #4 – Try to get a large, organized group of people to hate you.

You know what happened when there were public book burnings of ‘The Da Vinci Code’ and ‘Harry Potter’? Sales went up. Whenever someone decides something is controversial and must be stopped, people swarm to the source of the controversy so they can see how offensive it is.

I seriously have orgasms over the idea of some large, right wing group deciding I am a danger to the youth of America. If I could get someone like Rush Limbaugh or Dr. Laura to publicly denounce me, my friggen page rank would sky rocket!

I’m still working on this one, but some day …fingers crossed…I will be famous enough for several thousand people to want me dead.

Rule #5 – Cash in on mass hysteria.

Is everyone talking about pandemic flu, zombie attacks or gamma rays? Write a post about it calling them all morons. When people are in a panic, they’ll start Google searches related to what’s scaring them, presumably so they can be more scared. Help out your fellow internet users by pissing them off instead. Nothing eliminates fear like blind rage.

So there you go, the back alley way to get noticed on the internet. Be a controversial prick. Soon enough, you’ll have perfect strangers sending you pictures of their backsides as well!

And, as all blog advice tells you, I will end this post with a question so you can all interact in the comments;

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve ever put your index finger?

The Terrible Hunter’s Guide to Dating

Being a girl from the backwoods of the White Mountains, many of my relatives like to kill animals for fun on weekends. Some even do it with guns.

Of all these hunting enthusiasts, none have been so successful as my cousin Gus. This strikes me as quite odd, because he’s actually a terrible hunter. He makes no plans or preparations whatsoever. He never cleans his gun. He gets annihilated drunk before he goes. He has shaky hands and poor vision. He is the Gomer Pyle of hunting…the Keystone Cops…the Abbot and the Costello.

But he never comes home empty handed.

So it occurred to me, there has to be a system in there somewhere. Despite the fact that he is completely inept, he is always successful.

If he can be inept hunter and still murder a veritable cornucopia of cute, fuzzy forest creatures, then maybe his tips really are valuable. Maybe they can be applied to a different kind of hunt all together.

The hunt for a mate.

So I have taken my cousin Gus’ hunting strategy and I have adjusted this strategy to fit almost any club scene out there. Gus’ strategy will guarantee you never go home alone again.

As long as you aren’t too picky.

 

Step #1 – Get wasted. I mean, really, really messed up. Don’t limit yourself to alcohol either. Smoke a joint or two. Drop a hit of acid. As Gus would say, “why hunt a deer when you can hunt a fire breathing octopus with wings?” The more messed up you are, the better other people look. That’s just common sense.

In addition, being on a large amount of alcohol, or other illicit substances, will lower your inhibitions, making you far more likely to make the first move. Chicks dig a guy who makes the first move.

Step #2 – Hunt wounded prey on a closed range. A closed range is a field that had fences, so the animals can only run so far. Embrace this. Start attending more parties on boats. That way, the prey you stalk will never be able to completely escape.  Unless they’re a really strong swimmer.

As far as wounded prey, this is easy. Find the drunkest chick in the bar (or on the boat). Bonus points if she’s been crying. A drunk girl who cries in public generally has low self esteem and is much easier to pick up. You’ll be mounting her above your headboard  in no time!

Step #3 – Shoot at everything that fucking moves! A deer?…BANG…A squirrel?…BANG…A Grasshopper?…BANG…A stiff breeze?…BANG. As Gus would put it, “if you use 3000 rounds of ammo in a 30 minute period, you will hit something…Also, I was with you all day yesterday and I know nothing about a bunch of dead hunters.”

In short, hit on every girl in the bar until you get one that seems receptive. Don’t be afraid to approach a herd of girls and hit on all of them at the exact same time. Focus on quantity, not quality.

Step #4 – Never be afraid to make a big impression. As Gus would say, “Anyone who says ‘don’t fish with dynamite’ has never seen the awesomeness of 30 trout exploding at one time.”

Get allot of attention by starting discussions about politics or religion. This will give you the opportunity to show how smart and well-spoken you are. So you aren’t smart or well spoken? Who give a fuck? Make up facts and yell your opinion loudly. Much like fishing with dynamite, you might piss off 29 of the girls, but chances are there is one who will like you because you remind her of her overbearing, slightly racist dad. Daddy issues are your friend.

 

As far as I can tell, Gus’ approach really stands a chance of working, as long as you don’t care what you get. Sure, more often than not, Gus brought home something completely inedible, like a seagull or a skunk. During one particularly heavy bender, he even brought home a traffic cone with four bullet holes in it. But the point was he always got something.

If that’s all you care about, chances are, you’re Gus’ kind of guy. Warning; you might want to avoid going hunting with him. He tends to accidentally shoot the people he goes hunting with.

 

 

Friday’s Featured Blogger – Bossymoksie

Subject: Bossymoksie

Location: A Radio Station in Los Angeles

 

I arrive at a radio station just outside LA. I was supposed to by interviewing Bossy at her place, but when I arrived, I was told that she flew into a rage and stormed out to go confront the radio host Dr. Laura.

I arrived at the radio station only to learn she has beaten the conservative talk show host to death with a hammer and has hijacked her show.  I give her a thumbs-up through the window and she waves me in as she takes another call.

“I’m talking to Lisa, from Washington. Lisa, go ahead.”

Lisa’s voice booms from the headset I have just put on. “Yes, I’m pregnant with my fifth child. My husband just recently told me he wants me to go back to work after I have the baby because he can’t support…”

“Let me cut you off right there.” Bossy puts up a hand. “Does he have insurance?”

“Well, yes…but”

“Then a tablespoon of antifreeze in his coffee every day for a month will make it look like a heart attack.” Bossy hangs up the phone.

“Good advice.”

Bossy smiles. “I know.” She looks at Dr. Laura’s body, lying lifeless on the floor. “We should probably get this interview started before the cops show up.”

“Valid point.” I pull out my tape recorder.

***

Tell us about your site, bossymoksie; sexy beast, emphasis on the beast. What inspired you to write it? What are your goals with it?

The tagline (sexy beast, emphasis on the beast) refers to me being sexy and it being a jungle out there in the dating world. Most dates will be crushed and rejected and only one- or a few- will be left standing. The strong can survive with their self-esteem intact and the brave can reap the spoils of getting what they want and need in the dating scene. The weak get leftovers and pity parties. I share my survival skills and tips with others as well as some of my own experiences. And I don’t sugar coat it.

I was inspired to do this blog after a frustrating call with an ex. I just thought ‘Guys really don’t know what to do with us, do they!?’ I wanted to do a blog for a while but couldn’t decide on what. After that fateful call I just started writing and that was that.

Since then, I have stumbled upon many a male dating blog and read their side of things. And yeah, many guys really don’t know what to do. They are just trying to keep up with us. And I appreciate that. I have way more empathy for the guys’ POV since I entered the blogosphere….and more information that I can use to my advantage!

My goal is to tell the funny, the bad and the ugly about dating. If you like reading smart thoughts on stupid dating interactions from a funny, egotistical, and hot girl then come on over. If not, stay away or join the hater troll club. They are always welcome because they amuse me.

My other goal is world domination. But I’ll settle for entertaining myself and a good laugh. For now.

What do you think when a guy says the words ‘girls just want assholes’ or ‘nice guys finish last’?

I think that guy is an asshole who doesn’t wanna accept some realities. Being nice is not why he was rejected. He probably didn’t like all that ass kissing either, and that’s why he is so pissed that he did it and it got him squat. You can read this for my full thoughts on that.

Biggest mistake that girls make in relationships?

Not being honest. With themselves. I’ve observed girls making excuses or justifying not being honest in dating or relationships. They are either trying to spare someone else’s feelings or don’t want to face an ugly or scary truth about themselves. Then they get mad and hurt when things don’t magically work out the way they wanted it to with a cherry on top. For example: If you are looking for a real relationship or connection, don’t take the guy you met at the bar seriously who just talked about sex and groped you for the full hour you talked to him. Really? He is not relationship material and he is letting you know that! Why would you expect anything more from him? Because you wished it were what you wanted and you didn’t want to go home alone that night. Some girls don’t like to admit that and they’d rather play the ‘I thought he really liked me!’ card. Yeah, he liked your ass a lot. Just be honest that you didn’t want to be alone that night and stop making it into more than what it was! It’s okay.

Also, the faking orgasms thing needs to stop! You are ruining it for the rest of us. I have never faked it and men don’t die of shame or hurt egos. If I notice they are waiting for me and I know it’s not going to happen, I just tell them it’s cool and they can wrap it up and it’s all good.

Celebrity couple that you would like to drown in a shallow pool?

That Twitard couple.  They are so boring and overexposed. The most interesting thing about them was when the girl was ‘minicoopered’ by her director. And even then it was just kinda funny and random. So glad those movies are done.

You were born in South America. Is it true that if I make direct eye contact with you, you’ll kick my ass?

Only if you rush at me trying to touch my hair.

Where do the questions from the ‘Ask a Bitch’ posts come from?

In the beginning, I forced my friends to email or tell me questions about their love life and life. Then some bloggers, followers and strangers did exactly what I wanted them to and emailed their relationship questions to me. That has slowed down some so now it’s either a submitted question or questions I stole from my friends when we were talking about dating. They don’t read my blog religiously so they don’t know that their situation has become a learning tool for my followers. That’s what they get for not paying attention to me (online anyway).

There should be an advice column out there that isn’t PC and polite. Like I said, it’s a jungle out there.

Tell us about your worst date ever.

I don’t think I’ve had a worst date, just many bad or bland ones. I am not afraid to skip out on a date early. As far as bad dates go, there was the guy who brought his cousin, the guy who tried to insult me for about an hour, and the guy who flat out asked what he had to do to get me into bed. I think the worst dates are the ones where you have higher expectations and think ‘Yeah! This is going to be the guy for me for the next 6- 18 months! I found him!’ and then you can’t even stand him by the end of the date.

Tell us about your best date ever.

That is when I meet a wealthy charmer that can banter with me; we dance, we drink and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. We spontaneously fly off to another state or country to see some exclusive artsy fartsy thing. It’s all very romantic and exciting, and there’s soft lighting wherever we go so I always look great. Needless to say the sex is off the hook. And then the date never ends. Obviously, it has only happened in my dreams.

You have a pet peeve about people trying to touch your hair. Have you always been like that, or is there a traumatic, hair touching related incident in your past?

It’s just about my space. It’s not friendly, it indicates intimacy that we are not at yet because I don’t even know, or remember, your fucking name. HANDS OFF. It’s creepy.

You’ve gotten a lot of awards on your blog. To date, which one meant the most to you and why?

I love getting awards because I love bragging about them in a future post! The Dr. Horrible’s Blog Award is probably my favorite. It’s a limited edition award apparently and it’s only reserved for badasses. It was invented for foul-mouthed, non- PC, anti-handholding peace-loving bloggers.

You pretty straightforward on wanting a provider type of man. Do you ever get comments calling you a gold-digger and how do you respond to those idiots?

The guys who hate that I prefer men with money write intelligent comments like, ‘you’re a fat whore’. Or try to school me on having better character by attempting to insult mine. The hypocrisy writes itself. It doesn’t bother me because I know there are much worse things in this world than some strange guy in his mother’s basement getting a hernia over a blog post written by some girl he’s never met, and never will. So I just have fun with it. Most of those haters have left the building or play nice(er) now. I guess hating on me wasn’t making them feel better about themselves, since they weren’t getting me to feel shitty about myself.

I’m just a practical girl who is being honest. If you want to pretend money isn’t a factor in settling down, go ahead and live in your candy-coated shell. I KNOW it will be an issue. Money is one of the top 10 reasons for divorce. So I’m not ashamed to admit that I want to marry someone who makes at least twice as much as me. I sure as hell don’t want be the main breadwinner, especially since men make more on the dollar than women. I know that marriage takes a lot of work! Which is why you should be able to afford assistants.

***

As the interview ends, a female police officer arrives. She looks at the body on the floor. “Is that Doctor Laura?”

Bossy nods, not looking a bit repentant.

The officer pulls out her ticket book. She writes something out really fast and hands it to Bossy. “That’s going to be an $18 fine. You can mail it in.”

If you want to learn more about how to be a badass chick on the dating scene, you can get the best tips here; bossymoksie: sexy beast, emphasis on the beast.

Apparently, Everyone Wants to Be Me

Hey Guys Just wanted to give an update on my ongoing stalker situation.

My Essa wannabe, or a wannabe of my wannabe, got onto my page last night and posted a few weird comments using my name. Not inflammatory…just weird. I don’t know if it is the person from Twitter or someone else entirely.

I don’t think any of the posts got through, as they got stuck in moderation and I have deleted most of them. However, they were pretty clever about how they went about it.

For example, they were smart enough to use a proxy to log on, masking their IP. Because of this, I am going to be forced to take drastic measures to prevent them from attacking my page and impersonating my awesomeness in the future.

I will be banning anonymous IPs and IPs using a proxy from my page until I get this ironed out. If you have private browsing enabled on your internet connection, you will probably get a 404 error page instead of mine. Sorry for the inconvenience, but I don’t imagine this will effect a large amount of people. Just my internet stalker and people who show up here looking for ‘beastiality sex tours’.

If you’re worried that you won’t be able to get your daily dose of Essa, the only way around it is to not use a proxy or disable private browsing when you come to my page. Seriously, what are you trying to hide anyway?

So You Have a Penis?…Then I Don’t Care About Your Opinion on Abortion

Before I get started, I just want to say, this isn’t going to be a pro-choice/pro-life argument about abortion. I’m not even going to share whether I’m pro-choice or pro-life. This is not a political column and I rarely do politics here.

There are way too many penises in this picket line.

I don’t want to alienate my male readers out there. According to the demographics I’ve seen, the majority of my fans are male, so I’m taking a pretty big risk writing this. Just want to say right off, I love my male followers out there. I hope you’ll forgive me when I say the following….but regardless of the risk, and regardless of whether you’re going to get offended, I’m going to say it anyway, cause I’m just that kind of girl.

If you don’t have a uterus, then your opinion on abortion means shit to me.

This might seem weird, coming from me. I am all for blurring gender lines when appropriate. However, as far as I’m concerned, abortion is an issue that can clearly be gender divided.

A man will never have an abortion. A man will never be faced with the heartbreaking decision to have an abortion. It is a medical procedure that happens to a woman’s body and no man will ever be able to understand what it is like. Because men will always have an option open to them that a pregnant women will not.

They can walk away.

I’m going to get lots of arguments on this statement. “But I never would.” “But we have to pay child support.” “But there would always be that emotional connection.” “But, but, but…”

As my memere would say, “If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a wonderful Christmas.”

Maybe you will have a connection, maybe you won’t. You still have the physical option of walking away. A woman who is pregnant will NEVER have the option of just walking away, of just saying “it isn’t mine” or “I’ll just ignore it”. Your only risk is emotional or financial. It is NEVER physical.

A man will never be able to understand what it is to share their body with another human being. I am not just talking about the whole glossed over ‘miracle of motherhood.’ I am talking about the innate creepiness of it. I am talking about the body wrenching pain of giving birth. I am talking about the weird alien feeling of knowing something is alive and it is growing inside of you.

Or, in some more heartbreaking cases, dying inside of you.

Men, you will never understand. No matter how sensitive you are, no matter how many books you read or how much you love children…You…Will…Never…Truly…Understand.

So no, I don’t give a fuck about a man’s opinion on abortion because they are making their argument against something, based on something they will never have to experience.

A man will never have to decide whether or not to abort his rapist’s baby.

A man will never have to decide to abort when an amniocentesis shows the fetus has Tay -Sachs or Muscular Dystrophy.

A man will never need to decide to abort one baby over another when their multiple fetus pregnancy is causing complications.

A man will never need to decide whether or not to have an abortion.

I’m bringing this up today because I watched a documentary about pro-lifers last night. What bothered me wasn’t their politics. What bothered me was the fact that 9 out of 10 of their members were men and they were arguing about a medical procedure that none of them would ever have.

In the military, I was taught that a platoon leader should never ask one of their soldiers to do something that they wouldn’t do themselves. I stand by that philosophy. I will never tell someone to do something that I couldn’t do myself.

And a man will never have to decide whether or not to have an abortion. Sure, he might have an ‘accident’ with his partner and they will have a discussion, but it will always be the woman’s decision. After all, the baby might be 50% his, but her body is 100% hers and that makes her a majority stockholder. She gets all the benefits of making the decision and she takes all the risk.

At 25%, he is nothing more than a silent investor.

As far as I’m concerned, abortion will always be a woman’s prerogative because a man will never be able to understand what it is to carry a child. So ladies out there, make your arguments, whether they be for or against.

Just don’t quote bible verse. Separation of church and state and all that. You don’t like it, move to a country that has a national religion. I hear Denmark is nice.

Men, I’ll thank you to sit this one out. I’ll give you a call when its time to discuss circumcision. That one is all you.

@Essa_Alroc8, Imitation is the Sincerest Form of Flattery…Weird, Weird Flattery

Someone is pretending to be me on Twitter. No joke, check out the page!

The weird part is they know how to use Twitter waaayyy better than I do. As that’s the case, I usually wouldn’t mind. Free advertising, right? I’d almost like to ask them to take over my twitter account.

But they’re doing it wrong! Take a look at some of the tweets I’ve collected from their page. I’ve listed them under the examples below.

Dear Essa_Alroc8, if you’re going to pretend to be me on the internet, please stop fucking it up. You need to observe the rules of being Essa Alroc.

1. Don’t tweet what you eat. First, it’s boring as fuck and second, Essa Alroc doesn’t eat. She drinks and chain smokes. Eating and having food cravings is for pussies and tweens. You appear to be both.   

2. If I ever see another inspirational quote come out of your account, I will track you using your IP address and beat you to death with a copy of “The Secret”. Essa Alroc doesn’t do inspirational.

3. Essa Alroc does not cry, and if she did, it would certainly not be over that shit movie ‘The Notebook’. Instead, it would be over something much more serious, like the outlawing of caffeine or Kirk Cameron being elected president.

4. Get that fucking picture of Demi Lovato and Serena Whatever off your fucking profile page RIGHT NOW. If you’re going to pretend to be me, at least spread my hotness to those less fortunate by using one of my smoking hot pictures. Might I suggest the one of my in my devil costume from Halloween 2010? You know where it is, because you’ve obviously been stalking me.

5. The only thing I hate MORE than American Idol is Disney. I live in Orlando idiot. Any Orlando native hates Disney with a passion usually only reserved for black licorice or foreign tourists.

6. This better be a motherfucking joke. The best state in the nation is the one I’m in, and I wouldn’t go to Virginia on a fucking dare (no offense Rhea, I love you to death, but I avoid the bible belt like the plague.)

(FYI, Rhea is not my stalker, BTW. She is my best friend who just happens to live in the bible belt, which is why I don’t see her as much as I should. I think she did something bad in a past life.)

Anyway, @Essa_Alroc8, if you’re going to pretend to be me, I don’t give a fuck. Go to town. I barely use my Twitter anyway, because I don’t know how. You clearly do, which is awesome. Good for you.

What you don’t know how to do is how to be Essa Alroc.

If you need more information on significantly increasing your awesomeness, I suggest you check out George Carlin’s videos, but picture a smoking hot chick with great tits while he’s speaking. In short, try to be awesome instead of a total tool and you might get it down.

Because there is only one Essa Alroc. Everyone else is a cheap imitation.