Get to the Point Already!!!

I spend way to much time psychoanalyzing men I don’t know.

In order to get where I’m going, you need to understand a little bit about who I am in relation to my friends. If my life was a romantic comedy, I would be the wacky, moderately slutty, best friend. The one who never has a boyfriend and it always there for long, in depth conversations about the leading man with the leading leady.

Being the wacky best friend has benefits and drawbacks. As the wacky best friend, I rarely have problems of my own. Benefit.

Because I have very few problems, I often have to take on the roll of sympathetic ear listen to other peoples problems. Generally, it’s not a complete drawback. I do enjoy a good story. The keyword being ‘good’.

Unfortunately, many of my female friends think I need to know every single detail before they finally tell me what the root issue is. The whole time their talking, all I really want to do is scream “get to the point already!!!”

I am the exact opposite of this type of story teller.

One of my friends, Kay, says I tell stories like a man. In one sentence. I never give details. Instead, I hit the high points. Here’s a transcript of one of our deep conversations;

Kay: So you’re not talking to Jessica anymore?

Essa: Nope.

Kay: Why not?

Essa: Because she’s a cunt

Kay: Really? Why’s that?

Essa: My guess would be genetics.

As far as I’m concerned, I’ve given a decent run down. Essa is no longer talking to Jessica because Jessica is a cunt, most likely because her mom is a cunt. But Kay doesn’t see it that way, Kay wants details.

It’s not that I don’t want to give details. It’s that I tell my story in inverted paragraph format, like journalists use.

That way, if Kay and I get into a car accident and die while we’re talking, at least she’ll die knowing that I think Jessica is a cunt.

Many of my friends tell stories the opposite way, giving tons of unnecessary details, making me forget what the hell they were talking about. Let me give you a run down of a telephone conversation I had last week.

It’s late Thursday evening. Essa is laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling fan and wondering why she is so dizzy. The phone rings. It’s Lisa.

Essa: Hel…

Lisa: (Cuts Essa off immediately. Her voice is thick with tears) I’m fucking done with Mark. That guy is an asshole.

Essa: (reaches into a nightstand drawer and pulls out one of her special ‘organic’ emergency cigarettes. She takes one brief sharp inhale before responding.) What did he do?

Lisa: (sniffles) well, it all started in December at his sister’s birthday party…

Essa: (as Lisa’s voice drones on, Essa starts to feel a little buzzed. She realizes she hasn’t been paying attention. She tunes back in…)

Lisa: …and I told him there was no way we’re keeping chickens in the apartment….

Essa: (wants chicken for reasons she doesn’t understand. Realizes that Lisa has paused and she is expected to respond.) Um, commitment issues?

Lisa: Exactly! Anyway, this past weekend…

Essa: (Lisa’s words are slowly lulling Essa to sleep. She is just about to doze off. The phone slips away from her ear)

Lisa:  …so after he invited his college roommate to join us for a threesome, I lost it. I killed him and dismembered him in the bathroom.

Essa: (eyes pop back open immediately and she is no longer sleepy) You didn’t think to lead off with that?

I have no problem listening to my friend’s problems, but I will admit, I think like a man. I’m thinking of solutions. When someone calls me to say they killed someone, I don’t go into sympathy mode. I go into ‘get rid of the body and think of an alibi’ mode.

I look for solutions. That’s why I like to know what the problem is up front. So I know whether I’m going to say ‘dump him’ or ‘get over it’.

Anyway, I really think that the inverted pyramid could really help us all be a bit more decisive. Give me the basic issue first, and then expand on the details as needed.

Ladies out there, I have no problem listening to your problems. Honestly, I fucking live for drama. But if you’re going to tell a story, you’re going to need to hook your listener. Otherwise, know that I’m dozing off on the other end of the line, repeating generic phrases I heard on Dr. Phil