Essa Alroc's Blog, page 18

The Freelancers Interview

I love being a freelancer. I’ve always had a bit of a problem with authority, so being my own boss is a pretty good thing. Plus, I don’t have to leave the house and I work better when I drink on the job.

However, there is one thing that I absolutely love, that only comes along once in a while; the freelance interview.

For most of you out there, interviews suck. For normal 9 to 5 types, the job interview is nothing more than a 30 minute lying contest between you and a really stuffy member of HR. You get stuck talking about your 5 year plan, your greatest weaknesses and strengths, your opinion on the companies mission statement.

You know, stuff that no one gives a shit about.

But freelance interviews are different. See, every now and then I’ll submit a proposal on a long term or huge job. In those cases, the person might want to talk to me. However, they’re not doing it because they are required by HR policy to talk to me. They’re doing it because they want to verify that I am an actual human located in the continental US. They don’t care about my five year plan. They don’t care about my greatest weakness. They care about two things. They care about me being an English speaking American, and they care that I am not a complete cunt.

And most of them are even more laid back than me. See, us work from home types can get a little loopy after being out of touch with the rest of the corporate world so long. As a result, we forget about silly things like social niceties or stuff we should not say out loud. We no longer remember what is appropriate to say to another human being in a professional setting.

And god damn it, I love it.

In an effort to share the wealth, for those of you who might never get to have a freelance conversation, here is an actual transcript from my last conversation with a potential client.

Essa is sitting at her desk, swilling coffee and planning a late evening of writing threatening, error filled letters to various politicians. Suddenly, a new call comes in on her Skype feed.

Essa: Hello?

Liam: Hi Essa, it’s Liam.

Essa: Cool. So look, none of that hash shit you got me last time. Do I look Persian? See if you can get your hands on some decent NYC Diesel. Not the kind that’s too resiny though. It fucks up my vaporizer.

Liam: Excuse me?

Essa: (Smacks head) Sorry, you’re “from the (magazine name redacted) Liam”. I thought you were “drug dealer Liam”.

Liam: It’s a reasonable mistake. Sorry, I would have used the video chat, but I’m completely nude.

Essa: Coincidence! I’m bottomless today. I can’t find my pants.

Liam: Been there. So listen, I wanted to see if you’d be willing to take on an additional project. The guys that I hired to handle the web content in India are being a bunch of (ethnic slurs). I swear, it’s like they’re doing nothing there except for (completely offensive stereotype of Indian people, followed by some more ethnic slurs). It’s enough to make me want to fly over there and (really offensive rant that involve broomsticks, religious deities and more ethnic slurs). Can you take care of them for me?

Essa: Sure, as long as you’re willing to reimburse my airfare and the cost of broomsticks.

Liam: (laughs) We’ll hold off on that until the end of the quarter. I mainly just want you to weed out the ones that suck from the ones that really suck, and then do a mass firing via email.

Essa: So you’re looking for a scapegoat?

Liam: You got it.

Essa: That will cost you extra.

Liam: Fine with me. If I never have to deal with those (ethnic slurs) again, it will be too soon. Can you take care of it today?

Essa: Already writing the email.

Liam: Can I call you back tonight then?

Essa: That’s fine, just do it before 6. Otherwise, I’ll be shitfaced.

Liam: Coincidence! I’m shitfaced now. It’s half the reason I’m nude.

Essa: We are indeed kindred spirits.

Of course, not all of my freelance client interviews go like that. Sometimes, they actually want to talk about the job. The point I’m making is that it’s never really a chore to talk to them, because they’re actually calling to discuss something important. They don’t ask me stupid questions that they don’t care about the answers to.

If only all employers would behave like them. Of course, I imagine HR complaints would go up as well, but hey, you give a little, you get a little, right?

 

 

 

Generation Inspiration

As if you can’t tell by my high level of apathy and disdain for authority, I am a member of Generation X. Honestly, I kind of dig the title. I like being a Generation X member. It makes us sound all bad ass, like we’re too scary and non-conformist to actually have a name.

You know who got stuck with a shitty name? Generation Y…as in Generation …“why did we have them?”

Every now and then, I take a look at the generations around me in order to see where we are. I think this is am important practice, because the characteristics of the generation in control will decide the political moves that involve our country’s future (America, BTW, for my Brits. I have no idea how you all separate generations).

And we are currently seeing a major generational revolution that will absolutely affect all of our lives in an incredible way.

Currently, the members of our oldest generation, the Baby Boomer generation, are approaching their retirement years. They held control for a long time and they were a pretty conservative generation. The Baby Boomers believed in silly bullshit like company loyalty and listening to authority.  No wonder they’re responsible for 74% of all prescription drugs purchased.

But now, they’re falling out of favor. The ideal age for people to get listened to in the US is around 36 to 50. Any younger and you’re too ‘idealistic’. Any older and you’re a grumpy old man kicking teenagers off your lawn.

And slowly, but delightfully, Generation X and Y are starting to take over.

Gen X are liberal cynics. We were brought up in a time when rising divorce rates and a shitty economy were the norm. As a result, we question the status quo. “What the hell is the point of working for a corporation and building a family when its all going to fall apart once we reach 40?” we asked.

No one had a good answer.

So Gen X became the ‘we don’t give a fuck’ generation. If Generation X had a motto, it would be “Apathy before Acquiescence”. This is going to come in very handy in the years to come.

Gen X workers are dropping out of the workforce like flies. They don’t care about pensions or retirements. They care about immediate satisfaction. They care about the fun they get to have in the present, not the vacations they want to have after retirement. Because retirement is nothing but an empty promise.

Gen X is the reason you are all seeing widespread demands to legalize marijuana and gay marriage. It is the result of the ‘have fun and love who you love’ culture we created. It is a result of an entire generation of people that don’t care about keeping up appearances. They don’t care what the neighbors think and they don’t ask for approval from authority, because they have no faith in authority.

Of course, if we left it up to Gen X, we’d all be sitting around, getting high and listening to old Kurt Cobain tracks. That is why we needed Generation Y.

Generation Y has the same level of ambition that the Baby Boomers did, but they have that ambition for a completely different reason. They have no desire to save for retirement or secure their families future. They want to be rich and they want to be rich now.

And they’re going to do it with technology.

Gen Y is smart and ambitious, just like the Baby Boomers. But they have something that the Baby Boomers lacked. They have the desire to focus on their own individual satisfaction above the satisfaction of a company.

While a Baby Boomer might have worked their entire life at a company, simply out of loyalty, a Gen Y kid will hand in their notice as soon as another company offers them more money.

Gen Y will make our economy competitive again.  By refusing to bow down and work weekend shifts because a company tells them to, they make companies understand that workers are not sheep. They say to those corporations ‘my life is more valuable than your bottom line’.

In the years that come, Gen X and Gen Y are going to take over the political environment. When these generations hear JFK’s famous speech, and they hear that famous line “ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country”, they snort.  They say, “I’ll start asking what I can do for my country when my country does something for me.”

It may sound crude. It may sound self serving, but honestly, I think it is just what we need. No more corporate bailouts. No more going to war to protect the oil interest of a major corporation. Instead, the American middle class will refuse to work in shitty jobs for minimum wage. We will refuse to work 80 hours a week with no overtime. We will refuse to go to war to fight for the oil rights of corporations. We will refuse to allow tax breaks for the companies that outsource their jobs to other low wage countries. Instead, the American middle class will take on the ‘me first’ mentality. We will question authority and will focus on individual satisfaction. Believe it or not, this thought process will actually make America great again.  It is, after all, the entire basis of capitalism

And is why when I think about the future generation, I get just a bit of inspiration. It will get better.

A Syringe Full of Battery Acid and Other Recipes

So I saw an update on the India rape case today and it got me thinking. I’m not going to get into the politics of it, or talk about how India fosters a rape culture. Honestly, whenever I hear of America berating another country, it reminds me of this old neighbor I had. She was always bitching about how other people parented their kids.   She complained without any irony whatsoever, despite the fact that her child had been permanently taken away from her by the Department of Human Services.

In short, I think you need to get your own shit in order before you go telling people how to do things.

Anyway, mainly, when I think about the India rape case, it makes me feel bad for the women of India due to the lack of protection available. By protection, I don’t mean the protection of the police or their families. I mean the ability to protect themselves.

Damn I love the Second Amendment. No joke, if the Second Amendment was a man, I’ll totally let it do anal to me.

But what about the women in countries who can’t head on down to their friendly neighborhood handgun store? Luckily for them, there is a whole host of items they can find right in their own homes that have the potential to be just as lethal.

So, in my first ever recipe post, I’m going to share a few of my favorite recipes for disaster.

A Sock Full of Nickels

Ingredients: 1 sock, I handful nickels (or country’s equivalent denomination)

Level of Illegality: Completely Legal

Level of Pain Inflicted:

According to my ex, this one hurts like a bitch. These ‘poor mans nun chucks’ are pretty easy to make. All you need to do is put the nickels in the sock, tie a knot in the bottom, and start swinging wildly.  I’d recommend aiming for the face or the neck. Though, again, according to my ex, it hurt pretty bad in the groin as well.

The best part is the irony of beating down a mugger with a sock full of the money they were trying to steal in the first place.

The Lye-Lye-Bye Breeze

Ingredients: Powdered lye, Paper fan or extremely dry hands

Level of Illegality: Questionable

Level of Pain:

Powdered lye, i.e. the shit that can get a Wookie sized hair clog out of your bath drain, is a water soluble corrosive. Generally, it won’t start to do any major damage until it is mixed with water. However, if you’re the sweaty hands type, then I’d recommend storing it in one of those paper fans that any four grader knows how to make. If you have the callused hands of a dock worker like me, then you’re probably safe touching it bare handed.

This one is super easy. You can either blow or wave a hefty dose of powdered lye into your assailants eyes. If it’s on your hands, a scratch across the face will really get it in there. Once it connects with the moisture of the eyes, the corrosives in lye will start to do their work. Trust me; this shit will make an impression that pepper spray just won’t. Plus, if they make the mistake of inhaling while you’re tossing the stuff in their face, they won’t be feeling up to the task of raping or assaulting anyone for at least a few years…or at least as long as it takes for the doctor to finish their tracheal skin grafts.

The Lethal Beauty

Ingredients: Hair sticks, electric pencil sharpener

Level of Illegality: Completely Legal

Level of Pain:

This one, I discovered purely by accident. I was trying to put my hair up using those wooden hair sticks that some girls use. Unfortunately, my hair is super long and super thick, so I couldn’t get the stick all the way through. Then I had a genius idea. Why not sharpen the hair stick to a finer point? So I shoved that stick into an electric sharpener and it worked.

Then I tried to do my hair. As one point, I pushed too hard and nicked the back of my scalp. My result was a bald spot and a head wound that would make me decide to wear my hair down for the next few weeks.

On the upside, I created a weapon that looked like a beauty accessory. When using the sharpened hair stick, use it in the same way as a stiletto knife. Go for weak points. The eyes, the side of the neck where the carotid artery runs, those hollows above the collar bone or a spot between the ribs.

Then, put your hair back up and work on your alibi.

The “Don’t Scream Fire”

Ingredients: Aerosol hairspray or perfume, disposable lighter, duct tape

Level of Illegality: Illegal

Level of Pain: to , depending on accuracy

I’ve heard a lot of things in women’s self-defense about how you should scream “fire!” instead of “help” if you are being attacked. I say take it a step further. Don’t scream fire; make it.

For this, your going to use a strong alcohol based perfume or hairspray. Tape the lighter to the can so the flame lines up with the spout on the container. Then, in an emergency, flick the lighter and press down on the spout. Once the flame catches from the can, you can release the trigger on the lighter and continue pressing down on the spray nozzle, depending on how well done you want your assailant.

The Syringe Full of Battery Acid

Ingredients: One blunt tip fill syringe (available on Amazon), car battery

Level of Illegality: HIGHLY Illegal

Level of Pain: , followed by death

I picked this one up from a death row inmate, who using this method was convicted of both premeditated murder and torture. In this case, the battery acid will actually burn the recipient from the inside out. I don’t imagine it’s a pleasant way to go, hence the whole torture conviction.

If you’re squeamish about battery acid, there are a number of substitutes. Syringes are actually incredible weapons. Pretty much anything you inject into the human body, even if it’s a syringe full of air, will do some serious damage. Hell, I’m pretty sure you could fuck someone up with a syringe full of Kool-Aid. Oh yeah.

Anyway, federal law requires that I tell you guys that all of the prior recipes were for information purposes only. Don’t try this at home…or whatever.

Fixing Television

There are very few people in the world that have the same level of expertise in television as me. I could tell you the name of Balki’s stuffed sheep, who shot JR, where the beef is and the names of all of the original Charlie’s Angles without opening an internet browser.

And it’s time I put that expertise to good use. So now, I’m going to go ahead and fix some current popular programs out there because I’m starting to run out of stuff to watch on Netflix anyway.

So the premise of Revenge is this young hot blonde goes back to her family’s summer beach house under an assumed identity. She is there to get revenge on the family that ruined her father and had him sent to prison. Great premise, right?

Here’s the problem. I’m 44 episodes in and this bitch is no closer to getting revenge than she was in the first episode, despite access to high tech surveillance technology, double black belt karate skills, super ninja friends, hundreds of millions of dollars, a videotaped confession of the people she’s trying to get back at and a large network of people who also have vendettas against those people.

I could have gotten revenge in the first episode with only one item; a syringe full of battery acid. Inject it into the right spot and watch your victim suffer three seconds of agony that feels like a million years. Trust me, you will be satisfied.

Yes, I am aware that Merlin has indeed ended, however, the ending could not have been more anticlimactic. I’m actually reminded of a little poem that describes the way Merlin ended.

Here I sit

Brokenhearted

Came to shit

But only farted

In the initial story of King Arthur, King Arthur actually lived long enough to make himself a legend. In ‘Merlin’, he was king for about 2 weeks before he dropped dead. If that was they way King Arthur had really been, he would have been the equivalent of President Taft, whose only claim to fame was being fat enough to get stuck in a bathtub.

How to fix it? Scrap the entire last season. Remove every single episode featuring Guinevere and focus on Arthur. You can still kill him off in the last episode if you want, but for fucks sake, at least have him do something first.

Lets be honest, True Blood jumped the shark when they introduced the whole fairy storyline. However, instead of pulling back like most television execs would recommend, I say take it a step further. Go all in and just get ridiculous. Introduce some aliens into the script. Have the humans, fairies and vampires fly into space to fight an intergalactic space war against pirate-ninja-space dinosaurs. In the final episode, Sookie and Bill can open up an Asian fusion restaurant on the third ring on Saturn and live happily ever after.

Despite the fact that I hated the name of the show, I actually liked Two and a Half Men… right up until Charlie Sheen got fired for acting the same way in real life that his character did on the show. Then, they stuffed Ashton Kutcher into the show and murdered it

Is it just me, or has Ashton Kutcher been playing the same exact character since ‘That 70’s Show’? Can someone explain to me why he’s allegedly talented? I mean, I get that he’s hot but that shouldn’t be enough to give that dude the paycheck he gets. Seriously, was I the only fucking person who saw the Butterfly Effect?

Essa’s recommendation; cancel it.

I have big tits and say sarcastic things all the time too. Can I have my own show?  I would like to know who is getting blown, because there is no good damn reason that 2 Broke Girls keeps getting renewed but “Go On” gets cancelled.

With humor aimed at 12 year old boys ( no one on that show can put anything in their mouths without some kind of sex joke) , terrible acting and a random horse, this show is kind of difficult to fix. However, I have a solution.

Get rid of both of the lead characters and replace them with Matthew Perry. Then, get rid of the diner setting and instead make the setting a grief support group. Add an ensemble of characters that can actually act and make Matthew Perry’s character a sports reporter instead of a waitress. Lose the horse and we’re done.

Oh, and rename it “Go On”.

Dear Mr. Obama,

I admit, when I initially voted for you, I was a bit idealistic. I listened to your plans and I absorbed your speeches. It would be a lie for me to say that having a black president didn’t sway my vote a little bit.

When you started speaking, with your speeches full of hope and promises, I compared you to Martin Luther King Jr. I truly believed that you were going to change the world. I truly believed that we’d finally found a president that understood what true equality was.

I believed that you were an individualist like me. In my heart, I thought you were the kind of person that could see past the colors of race or culture and see the beyond. I thought you might be able to see the potential of a human soul, rather than the demographic of a human voter.

Before your first term was over, I grew up. I realized that one man could not hold that much power. I realized that it was unfair to place the burdens of a 1000 year racial war on your shoulders to resolve. I accepted the fact that you were just a man doing the best you could do in a bad situation.

I never blamed you for the economic collapse. I blame irresponsible lenders and unscrupulous oil companies for that. I always will.

When it came time for reelection, I didn’t vote again. At that point, I’d grown up. I’d learned our national leader was, for the most part, a figurehead. I learned you weren’t the visionary I’d originally thought. I didn’t vote because I didn’t think that any vote would make much of a difference. I didn’t think there was anything going on that would require a major decision.

I actually started my own anti-voting initiative. It was called “The Stay Home and Don’t”. I did that because I was pretty sure that you’d get reelected, but I didn’t really care either way.

At heart, I am a libertarian. I know most major political parties usually laugh us out of the room and call us flaky stoners. I know libertarian candidates disappear as soon as the primaries come up and I know that libertarians aren’t’ really known for their political involvement.

And I wish that America understood how much like me they really are. Do you believe in making your own choices regarding your medical care or the person you love? Do you believe that our government spends too much money on stupid bullshit? Do you get annoyed when you hear that someone has been scamming welfare for five years, but at the same time, understand when someone accepts welfare for a few months in order to improve themselves or take control of their own lives?

Then you, my friend, are a libertarian.

We are the fence sitters. We don’t have to pretend to be conservative or liberal. We get to make our own decisions based on our on moral compasses. That is what being a libertarian means.

We are certainly not conservative, but we might be considered liberal. And I will tell you one thing. As a liberal libertarian, I never thought I would see a liberal president try to engage us in yet another illegal war.

Initially, Obama was a relief from the leadership we dealt with before. I was tired of conservative crazies in office, playing cowboy and trying to be the world’s police. I was tired of watching a president send poor men to fight a rich man’s battle while no one batted an eyelash.

And I never thought that the man who repealed “don’t ask, don’t tell’ would be guilty of the same fucking thing.

Syria is not our problem. That’s all there is too it. I don’t give a fuck if that sounds conservative or elitist. I’m a libertarian and I am used to people making fun of me when it comes to politics.

What I do know is one thing. You don’t start a democracy. You earn a democracy. That’s why it’s called a fucking revolution. The people of a given country finally get pissed off enough with their leadership to boot their leadership and take over. That doesn’t happen when citizens sit around waiting for a bigger, stronger country to save them. That is what happens when citizens revolt.

There is a reason that we are entitled to bear arms in the constitution and there is a reason that we are entitled to organize militias. It’s not about letting the crazies play with guns. Our constitution was designed so that one major entity could never have control over the people. We were preventing a monopoly of our own government. Let me clear it up, in case you are confused.

We the people are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.

Dear Mr. Obama, you can not force a democracy. That is exactly the polar opposite of what democracy means in the first place. I will admit, you never really perverted our constitution, but by trying to make us wage an illegal war against Syria, you might as well have.

In America, we earned our right to democracy. Our forefathers fought and lost in the revolutionary war to ensure that right to democracy. Our people fight the power every day, in every little way they can think of, whether it be burning flags or protesting in the capital, to maintain that democracy. Simply stated, we have earned that democracy. We earned it by the deaths of poor men who went to fight rich men’s wars.

And I’m not cool with that anymore. Us minimum wage schmucks have fought enough of your battles for you.  Most people don’t know this, but when you are an enlisted soldier, you are not allowed to have a political opinion. Arguing with the commander-in-chief is considered high treason.

Luckily for me, my military days are long behind me so I get to say whatever the fuck I please.

It is not the job of a middle class American soldier to fight for a person who can’t be bothered to fight for themselves. You earn your right to a democracy. You don’t get it handed to you on a silver platter.

So Mr. Obama, I don’t know exactly what your financial interests are in Syria, but I’m sure they’ll come to light soon. Either way, it is not the job of the American middle class to fight yet another illegal war. I expected that shit from Bush. I never expected that from you.

In short, have pity on the working man. We were the people who voted you into power in the first place. Mr Randy Newman said it best;

Maybe you’ve cheated

Maybe you’ve lied

Maybe you have lost your mind

Maybe you’re only thinking ’bout yourself

Too late to run. Too late to cry now

The time has come for us to say good-bye now

Mr. President have pity on the working man

Mr. President, I am an American citizen. I am a veteran and I am a patriot. But at the same time, I’m tired. I’m tired of watching my friends fight and die for conflicts that are not their own. You might be black, but you’re still wealthy. You will never understand what it is to be a poor kid fighting for a cause on foreign soil. Because when you start these fights, you aren’t the one who has to finish them.

We are. And as a full fledged member of the American blue collar middle class, I have to say, we’re pretty sick of fighting your wars.

Little Disappointments

I once heard somewhere that life is made up of little disappointments. It might have been my mother, and she might have been talking about me directly. But I can’t say she wasn’t right. Life is indeed made up of a series of little disappointments that we must all learn to live with on a daily basis.

Here are some of mine.

When the first four chords of “Werewolves of London” starts playing on the radio, then you realize it’s actually Kid Rock’s “All Summer Long”
When you open the candy bar you just bought at the gas station, get ready to take a giant bite, and then realize that it is covered in that gross layer of white mold.

This is actually called chocolate ‘blooming’…and I thought blooming was supposed to be a good thing.

When realize that the hot guy you thought was checking you out was actually just staring because apparently it’s weird when adults go to the store wearing pajamas at 4 in the afternoon.
When you get a new message on Skype, and realize it’s only because some idiot you don’t care about is having a birthday.
When someone you thought was smart forwards you chain mail.
When you thought you had one beer left, but it turns out you have no beers left.
When you get on the scale, and you think you lost a ton of weight. Then you realize you accidentally kicked the reset button and it’s weighing you in kilograms, not pounds.
When your long time crush calls you out of the blue…to invite you to their wedding.
When you make a million dollars and buy your dream house….and then you wake up on the same futon in the same crappy apartment you’ve always had.
When “Candle in the Wind” comes on the radio, and you realize it’s the Princess Diana version and not the Marilyn Monroe version.

So there are some of my common disappointments. For me, having a nightmare is better than having a great dream, because I’d rather wake up relieved than disappointed. Disappointment is a shitty feeling, but it’s also a huge part of the human condition. So, whenever I’m a little bit disappointed, I’m also a little bit relieved, because that disappointment means that I’m alive. What can I say? I’m a silver lining kind of girl.

And Here’s How You Know Things Are Bad…

So, as you all know, I am a full time freelancer. As a full time freelancer, my jobs aren’t always guaranteed. Sometimes, things get rough. It’s a roller coaster ride of financial security and a step away from being a stretch-marked web cam model most of the time.  But I won’t give up; I’ll never give up. I’m just that damn good.

But in case you’re new at the whole freelancing thing, and you need to know how to gauge when things are going really bad, here are some tips.

1. Your grocery list has become more of a ‘wish list’ – This is the part where you start crossing out necessities on your grocery list in order to survive another week. “Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper? I still have coffee filters and old Dunkin Donuts napkins.” When your list consists of nothing more than ‘milk, eggs and Raman noodles,’ then you know things are bad.

2. You’re thrilled to find a dollar – This happens as you’re scrounging through your old clothes, looking for loose change in order to get gas money. As you’re tugging out those annoying dimes and nickels, you might stumble upon a real live dollar! Say what you want about being rich, but no millionaire will ever be able to understand the true joy you feel when you stumble on a crumpled up dollar in an old pair of jeans, when you are completely fucking broke.

3.  You start wondering how good you could be at a life of crime. You might find yourself Googling tips on starting your own forgery business or jacking cars. Personally, I have always thought I would kick ass at insurance fraud.

4. You start praying for a relative to die. This is a desperate point. It might be a close relative or a distant one, but the only thing you can think of is how much easier life would be if you got some sweet insurance policy settlement money. Then, you’ll try and push the thought from your mind because you’re afraid of the bad karma, but deep down it will still be there and you know you can’t unthink it.

5. You reuse coffee grounds and roll tobacco out of old cigarette filters. No true writer can live without coffee and cigarettes. So when it gets really bad, we scrounge for what we can get. Trust me, the taste of desperation is the taste of old Pall Mall Menthol Light tobacco mixed with Marlboro lights in some Zippo orange pack rolling papers.

But here’s what separates the real writers from the hobbyist writers. Most full time freelance writers will wash out after a year, due to the five facts above. They will retreat to their cubicles, say they’ll keep writing, but then, after a full day in corporate hell, they’ll forget all about their dreams. They’ll go home, let their novel sit unfinished and watch the news as they drink themselves stupid.

The real writers will understand that this is just the low point on the roller coaster ride that is freelancing. They will ride the storm and they will hit the high point. A new ghostwriting gig is right around the corner or it’s only a matter of time until their novel takes off. A real writer will never forget the dream, even as they’re getting an eviction notice or smoking used cigarettes. They will keep on writing. Ironically, the suffering they accept from writing in that state of desperation will make them better writers. If you doubt me, look up pretty much any famous writer you can think of before they hit it big.

So yes, things might be bad, but they will get better. Knowing that isn’t about optimism. It isn’t about false hope. It’s about recognizing your own talents and standing behind them. When you’re good, people will notice.

Once year ago today, I had about 25 blog followers watching the things I write. Now, that number is closer to 3000. Things can only get better and only a fool would give up now.

 

 

 

 

A New Way to Deal With Addiction

“I don’t need another one.”

That is my standard sentence. I say it whenever I head out to the store to purchase a six pack. I tell myself before I even buy that six pack that six beers is enough. I don’t need anymore. I can handle having a few drinks before bed and I can go to sleep without anything more.

Then, around beer five and a half, I reconsider my position. I latch onto any excuse I can think of. “I’m almost out of cigarettes. I really want corn chips, etc.” Anything that will get me back to that store and in possession of another six pack. Then, I will drink myself into a fucking stupor and the cycle will go on all over again.

I can go a few days at a time without drinking, especially after a particularly hard rock bottom episode. I’ll wake up in the morning still slightly messed up and filled with regret. I’ll decide to never drink again.

Then, two days will go by. Around 5 pm, I’ll start to get the craving for a beer. I’ll decide after a whole two days of sobriety, I have earned the right to cut loose. I’ll go out and but a six pack. I’ll tell myself before I go that only one will be necessary.

“I don’t need another one.”

That is my fucking mantra, but deep down, I know its bullshit. I always know I’ll need another one. I might make it through one day sober, but by day two, I’ll be thinking again. I’ll pound 5 sleeping pills to get me to sleep at night. I’ll drink a half a bottle of cough syrup. I’ll take 14 ibuprofen in a row. Because taking anything is better than being sober.

This is the part where I ask for help, right? This is the part where my reassuring friends talk to me about AA and rehab.

This is the part where I pop another top and tell you to go fuck yourself.

Anyone who has ever been an addict knows that being an addict becomes part of your personality. It’s not about praying to Jesus to make it all go away. It’s not about taking it ‘one day at a time.’ It is about the fact that you are born that way.

There is virtually nothing I can’t get addicted to. I get addicted to pills, I get addicted to booze. For a short period of time, I was addicted to internet porn and masturbation. Mainly, when I’m trying to deal with my addiction to any one thing, I get addicted to something else.

To the assholes out there preparing to send your inspirational suggestions like ‘get addicted to family,’ or ‘get addicted to fruits and vegetables’, get fucked. You have no idea what it is like to be an addict. Being an addict to anything is purely a self indulgent practice. That’s why it’s addictive in the first place.

It’s that thing that is only for you. It’s that time when you get to be selfish. It’s that point in the day where you get a break from the world around you.

There is a good reason that people don’t get addicted to church and family. Because that shit isn’t self indulgent. It doesn’t allow us to retain a bit of self identity. Before you call me selfish for that, I am a human fucking being and I am entitled to retain a bit of self identity.

Also, AA has an 80% failure rate. The next time you go to an AA meeting and start feeling all judgmental and proud of yourself, I want you to look around and understand that statically, 50% of the people in the room came loaded on something. Realize something.  AA is the epitome of the self indulgent. For ten minutes you get to make a fucking speech about being an alcoholic and everyone listens to you. They nod along with you. They pretend to listen. But deep down, you need to accept one sad truth.

Nobody gives a fuck.

The only truly successful program for alcoholics has been something called a ‘risk reduction’ program. In these programs, people with alcohol addictions would replace the booze with marijuana.  Most of the time, it worked.

So now you’re saying that I was just replacing one addiction for another. For that, I say you are 100% correct.

But the difference between my booze addiction and my weed addiction was a world apart.

When wasted on booze, I would call up people I hadn’t spoken to in years and bitch them out for giving me a dirty look or being an asshole in an email. I would attack them in a way that would make them disappear from my life forever. I burned bridges.

When wasted on weed, I would smoke a joint and watch Twilight and spend the majority of my time wondering how Robert Patterson got his hair to stay like that.

While addicted to booze, I got really depressed one night. I pulled out a revolver and played a game of six chamber Russian roulette with myself. Every time the chamber clicked empty, I was a little more disappointed.

When wasted on weed, I made a gun out of Playdough, and then I ate it.

My behavior on alcohol and weed were a world apart. They might have both been mind altering drugs, but they came with very different side effects. On marijuana, I was in no danger of hurting myself or anyone else. On alcohol, everyone around me was in danger.

I don’t want to be like this. I didn’t ask to be like this. But the sad fact is, I am a fucking addict. Idiots who dare to tell me that I should get ‘addicted to life’ or ‘addicted to doing good’ don’t even remotely understand the position I am in.

Let me make this clear. 12 steps won’t help me. If you look at the statistics, they don’t help anybody. AA won’t help me. I am a non religious person who is uncomfortable speaking in public. While AA might claim to be secular, let me promise you, they have a 100% religious oriented atmosphere. It’s kind of a bitch to ask someone who doesn’t believe in a benevolent god to ask for help from that god that they don’t even believe exists…

What does help me is marijuana. It keeps me from hurting myself and it keeps me from hurting others. It keeps me calm and it keeps me from doing shit that I can’t take back. For all you anti-marijuana crusaders out there, you have no idea what it is like to be me. You have no idea what is is like to get addicted to anything.

And you don’t get to tell me how to treat that addiction.

I believe in the power of weed. Marijuana allows me to live a normal life without feeling like I need to kill someone or tell them off. It prevents me from feeling like I am controlled by a substance.  It gave me my life back.

When I’m saying “I don’t need another one,” a joint nods at me from my lap and agrees. It gives me a little more control over my life.

I will never be free of addiction. There will always be something that whispers to me ‘come on Essa, just one more.’ But when I have marijuana, I look at that ‘one more;’ and I say ‘no thanks’. That gives me the clarity I need to keep on fighting and keep on writing.

So god bless the Marijuana Policy Project. We change laws but we do it on behalf of the individual. If you’re a voter in Florida, then do a little something. Make a vote that will make medicinal marijuana a viable medical option.

Because addiction is an illness, and no man should be allowed to tell another man how to treat that illness.

Until then, I’ll be here, fighting the good fight. Rock on.

Musings and Daily Affirmations

Today is going to be one of those random, self confessional posts where I discuss the thoughts I have that got me into community college and kept me out of any accredited university.

Musing

So, I have a license to carry but I’m bored with guns. I mean a Floridian carrying around a gun? It’s such a fucking cliché. My question is this; does my license to carry cover me if I want to carry around a sword instead? Nothing flashy, just your standard 30 inch katana embedded with emeralds. I mean honestly, I hear about people getting harassed when they were carrying a gun all the time. But I have never heard of anyone getting fucked with while they were carrying a sword in WalMart.

Daily Affirmation

You take a calculated risk whenever you release a mongoose.

Musing

About men and facial hair arrangements, why do men only play with the hair below their eye line? Mustaches, beards, mutton chops, I’ve seen them all together and I’ve seen a variation of all three separately. What I’ve never seen is a man purposely cultivate a uni-brow. Maybe it’s because uni-brows look stupid? But so do mutton chops, and guys still wear those. I have always believed that beauty is in the eyebrow of the beholder.

Daily Affirmation

You’re always alone, but you’re only lonely if you don’t like the person you’re alone with…or if you’re ugly or really fat.

Musing

People who think George Carlin was overrated are the same people who find Gallagher hilarious. I think that should tell us all a little about how much to value their opinions. George Carlin used humor as a way to make social commentary about the depressing truths of the human condition. Gallagher uses a hammer to squish watermelons. Enough said.

Daily Affirmation

Today is a sacred gift from life…but tomorrow you could get run over by a bus. Live fearlessly. Steal often.

Musing

Why do men go on the no strings attached section of Craigslist and post completely unrealistic demands? Seriously, today I went on there and saw 10 demands for virgins and another four looking to have sex with lesbians. Hey guys, I have a riddle for you; what do lesbians and virgins have in common?

Answer; neither goes on Craigslist trolling for cock.

If the girl is a 22 year old virgin, chances are she’s hideous or she’s waiting to meet someone nice in her church group (or cult). As for the lesbians, I went down to the dog park and took a survey today. I asked one question. “What is your biggest turn off in your potential partner?” 10 out of 10 lesbians answered ‘a penis’.

Daily Affirmation

Think positively…unless you’re taking an aids test. Then negative is your friend.

Musing

Why was everyone comparing Obama to MLK yesterday? The only thing these two dudes have in common is the color of their skin. Martin Luther King Jr. was an amazingly skilled orator and civil rights leader who had the ability to get thousands of people to follow him and flock to his cause. For example, the Montgomery Bus boycott. Rosa Parks worked as a secretary for King and was the catalyst for that movement. The boycott crippled the Montgomery economy and led to a United States Supreme Court decision that declared the Alabama and Montgomery laws requiring segregated buses to be unconstitutional. That case law helped to end segregation entirely.

Obama can’t even get poor white people to accept free health care.

MLK might have paved the way for Obama, but they are nothing alike. MLK was a visionary. Obama is a sub par leader who is absolutely the same as every single leader before him.

But that won’t stop me from looking up shirtless pictures of him on the internet.

Daily Affirmation

The shortest distance between two things is a straight line. The most interesting distance between two things is usually a lot curvier.

The Finest Comment I’ve Ever Received

As you all know, I shut down comments recently. As a result, all messages that people want to send me get sent to my inbox, where no one else can share in the glory that can be the comments I receive.

But I recently received one of the finest comments to ever grace my site, that I feel must be shared with the world.

Never, ever in the history of my blogging career have I received such a disturbing, and at the same time, entirely hilarious comment.

I immediately went to respond, but unfortunately received an ‘undeliverable mail returned to sender’ message from the mailbox it was sent from.

To Mr. Handy (Karlsson),

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the arrangement you propose. My biggest concern is regarding the hygiene standards at Denny’s. Perhaps The International House of Pancakes might be better?

Also, I think they prefer ‘little people’ over ‘midget’. While I’m not politically correct, I usually recommend being as polite as possible to anyone who is about to put your penis in their mouth.

Thank you for making my day and congrats on writing possibly the best email that I have ever received. Should you ever want to pursue this fetish in real life, rest assured I own both a whip, and there is an IHOP less than a mile from my house.

Rock on.

Love Essa