Fixing Television

There are very few people in the world that have the same level of expertise in television as me. I could tell you the name of Balki’s stuffed sheep, who shot JR, where the beef is and the names of all of the original Charlie’s Angles without opening an internet browser.

And it’s time I put that expertise to good use. So now, I’m going to go ahead and fix some current popular programs out there because I’m starting to run out of stuff to watch on Netflix anyway.

So the premise of Revenge is this young hot blonde goes back to her family’s summer beach house under an assumed identity. She is there to get revenge on the family that ruined her father and had him sent to prison. Great premise, right?

Here’s the problem. I’m 44 episodes in and this bitch is no closer to getting revenge than she was in the first episode, despite access to high tech surveillance technology, double black belt karate skills, super ninja friends, hundreds of millions of dollars, a videotaped confession of the people she’s trying to get back at and a large network of people who also have vendettas against those people.

I could have gotten revenge in the first episode with only one item; a syringe full of battery acid. Inject it into the right spot and watch your victim suffer three seconds of agony that feels like a million years. Trust me, you will be satisfied.

Yes, I am aware that Merlin has indeed ended, however, the ending could not have been more anticlimactic. I’m actually reminded of a little poem that describes the way Merlin ended.

Here I sit

Brokenhearted

Came to shit

But only farted

In the initial story of King Arthur, King Arthur actually lived long enough to make himself a legend. In ‘Merlin’, he was king for about 2 weeks before he dropped dead. If that was they way King Arthur had really been, he would have been the equivalent of President Taft, whose only claim to fame was being fat enough to get stuck in a bathtub.

How to fix it? Scrap the entire last season. Remove every single episode featuring Guinevere and focus on Arthur. You can still kill him off in the last episode if you want, but for fucks sake, at least have him do something first.

Lets be honest, True Blood jumped the shark when they introduced the whole fairy storyline. However, instead of pulling back like most television execs would recommend, I say take it a step further. Go all in and just get ridiculous. Introduce some aliens into the script. Have the humans, fairies and vampires fly into space to fight an intergalactic space war against pirate-ninja-space dinosaurs. In the final episode, Sookie and Bill can open up an Asian fusion restaurant on the third ring on Saturn and live happily ever after.

Despite the fact that I hated the name of the show, I actually liked Two and a Half Men… right up until Charlie Sheen got fired for acting the same way in real life that his character did on the show. Then, they stuffed Ashton Kutcher into the show and murdered it

Is it just me, or has Ashton Kutcher been playing the same exact character since ‘That 70’s Show’? Can someone explain to me why he’s allegedly talented? I mean, I get that he’s hot but that shouldn’t be enough to give that dude the paycheck he gets. Seriously, was I the only fucking person who saw the Butterfly Effect?

Essa’s recommendation; cancel it.

I have big tits and say sarcastic things all the time too. Can I have my own show?  I would like to know who is getting blown, because there is no good damn reason that 2 Broke Girls keeps getting renewed but “Go On” gets cancelled.

With humor aimed at 12 year old boys ( no one on that show can put anything in their mouths without some kind of sex joke) , terrible acting and a random horse, this show is kind of difficult to fix. However, I have a solution.

Get rid of both of the lead characters and replace them with Matthew Perry. Then, get rid of the diner setting and instead make the setting a grief support group. Add an ensemble of characters that can actually act and make Matthew Perry’s character a sports reporter instead of a waitress. Lose the horse and we’re done.

Oh, and rename it “Go On”.