Brenda Perlin's Blog, page 8

This boy is not a Home Wrecker

My boyfriends grandson has kept us occupied for a good portion of the weekend. We have been adsorbed in every one of his activities and adventures! He is a good kid so it makes it all worthwhile.

After a better part of a year of knowing this youngster I am starting to perceive myself as a grandmother figure. Even though I don’t own the official title. Just the same I feel very much a part of this nine-year-old’s life. I can feel the bond forming by just the little things that he does when we are together. I have started to notice the trust that he has in me by the way he has to be touching me or how he now waits for me to tuck him into bed.

I never saw myself as a grandma or even a motherly type for that matter. When I married my husband, early on we decided we were not going to have children. Truth be told, if I really had wanted a baby I believe he would have complied and vice versa. We were just not that fuzzy on having a family and sharing that much of ourselves with someone other than each other. Call it selfish but knowing what I know now that was the best decision we could have made considering we are no longer together.

The thing is, I don’t know if I would have walked away from my marriage had we been parents. Could I have been a Home Wrecker if there were children involved? I doubt it but I can’t say for sure.I just feel lucky that we were not like a many other couples who have to work to stay together solely for the kids. How sad that sounds but is very common.

Making the decision to not have kids does not in anyway mean that I am not maternal. On the contrary, I think I am more maternal than most. If I had a child I believe I would be anxious every second of the day. Maybe that is normal but I think I would be an extreme worrywart. As a parent, how do you not worry? How do you learn to step back and let your children live their lives? I can’t imagine what that would be like. I would fret over every bruise they incurred and then I would blame myself.

Many people I meet ask me why I have never had children after they see the way I seem to bond with them. I too contemplate that question even though the decision was a very deliberate one. I love kids but at a distance. I love knowing that they are not my responsibility and at the end of the visit I can walk away free from all responsibility. Not many people have that luxury.

The big downside to this decision is one that often haunts me. Once I am old, I mean really old,  I ask myself, who is going to be there for me? Paid assistance through medicare or even something worse? Later on, will I regret not having kids to be there for me in my golden years? Even though that expectation doesn’t always pan out.

Have I made the biggest mistake of my life, I ask myself? That I will never know for sure but what I do know is with every decision we make there is always a downside.

With that in mind I realize that it is better that I not dwell on what could have been. I love my life the way it is. There is nothing I can do at this point to change the decision that I made so many years ago. Or like the old saying, ‘what is done is done.’

 

 

Home Wrecker passion

Now that I have completed my first book Home Wrecker I am considered an author. How funny that sounds. As it is, I do a very good job of butchering up the English language.

I just have the need to write. There is nothing better when my words all come together. It is such a good feeling. Unfortunately, it does not always come naturally. I don’t know that I possess an exceptional gift but just the same I need to write almost as much as I need to eat and sleep. When I have actually written something that works it is the best feeling in the world. It makes me feel like I can breathe again.

I started writing as a teenager. Actually I wrote my first story, “Alexandria the Great” when I was no more than ten-years-old. That story was about an outcast that was misunderstood. That general theme has continued with me ever since. I loved playing with words and telling my tale. While I would read my stories to others I would feel something special inside. It made me feel like I stood out from the rest. I guess you could say writing is my passion even though I never really thought I would accomplish anything with it. I just did it because it was one thing that really interested me.

What is your passion in life? When did you discover this was something that gave you a spark? Are you able to follow your heart and still make a living?

Negative thoughts are a Home Wrecker

Now that the summer Olympics have come and gone I can’t help but be in awe of all these fresh faced competitors. 

I looked at those athletes from all over the world and wondered how they were able to keep going? Even though they were under so much pressure in some ways it was nothing compared to what they have had to endure most of their lives. They have had to make compromises on a daily basis. They work so hard, all for that one moment in time. These men and women are extraordinary and in my opinion, they are all winners. I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of pressure. Everyday they have had to perform and try to do better than they did the day before.

It makes me wonder why we can’t all try to be extraordinary at something. Why do some people have that kind of killer passion while others just seem to go through the motions?

I think besides this passion above all we need to believe that we can succeed. We have to really trust that we can achieve our dreams. So many of us second guess ourselves. We are not convinced that the goal is possible. I can’t help wondering if it has to do with how we scrutinize ourselves. Are we praising ourselves or are we being overly critical? These inner voices can really wear you down if they are negative all of the time.

I remember talking to a friend about this very subject. At the time she was deep in therapy and a question that came up in one of her weekly sessions was “how do you talk to yourself?” That was something I had never even thought about. I just never paid attention to how I treated my internal voice. It was then that I realized I was guilty of putting myself down every chance I got. Personally, these voices are not all that forgiving. As much as I try to correct this behavior I find I am often quietly attacking myself. After a while I start to believe those damaging thoughts.

On the outside I may look self assured but secretly I often tear myself to shreds. It is not intentional but it is an everyday occurrence. It is like an automatic response. I can make a mistake and without hesitation those inner voices tear me apart inch by inch. I don’t usually like to admit to this flaw but there it is. It is not something I am proud to confess but on that day it became crystal clear. Once I admitted it to myself I knew I wanted to make a point to change that behavior. It is self destructive and does nothing for me.

So today while I am tackling my daily chores I am going to begin by being a little more complimentary to myself. No more put downs or insults. I am going to exchange the cynical words with new positive ones. I believe if I pay attention I can make this change.

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