Brenda Perlin's Blog, page 7

Sweet Sixteen Home Wrecker

I started going to night clubs in Hollywood when I was still just sixteen. It was the early eighties and I called myself a Punk Rocker.

All of my friends were into the punk scene which for me meant dressing in alternative style clothing which I found at local thrift shops. I loved hanging out all hours of the night and discovering new music. It was so much about the music! I dyed my hair black and sometimes added florescent pink to the ends. When I think back to that time I am thankful for the great times that I experienced together with my friends. I remember feeling so alive being out and about in Hollywood. My friends and I had so much to laugh about. Out on the streets we didn’t have to take life so seriously.

I don’t think I have felt that happy-go-lucky since then. Being that young and free was just so liberating. It was the first time I had ever experienced any kind of independence. For my parents sixteen was not so sweet. They would consider punk rock a Home Wrecker. I made it very difficult for them because I was requiring the autonomy of an adult yet I was still very clueless when it came to life. I would say things to my mom like,

“But I am sixteen,” like I was so mature. I expected carte blanche even though I was just a mindless young girl. I knew nothing of the real world but I expected to be treated as an adult. I didn’t want any rules but at the same time I didn’t want any obligations.  Not everyone can say they had that kind of experience in their lifetime. For me it was a time I will always look back on with appreciation.

 

 

Losing Faith is a Home Wrecker

After I left my husband for another man I have had to question everything about myself. I lost faith in myself and my morals have been in question ever since.

If you are a Christian, are you the kind of Christian that walks the walk? I am not sure (me personally) that I even want to get into religion or politics for that matter. It can get ugly. Actually I am not really religious. I was born into a Jewish family but never studied the religion. I do feel like I am Jewish because of the culture and traditional rituals. For me I knew when I left my husband for another man what I did was morally wrong. My moral code was tested and with out a doubt I failed.

If you do believe in God and know his rules about divorce being wrong in his eyes, how do you adjust to that? How do you forgive yourself and continue to stick with your belief system?

What would you do if you left your husband and then fell in love with another man? Could you live with yourself? Please think before you answer. I used to be very critical towards people that did the exact same thing I did. Now after everything that I have been through I realize there is always more to the story. I don’t think you can judge fairly unless you were the one making the decision. It is often very complicated and not always what it seems.

Since I am not a Christian, I am not talking from experience but to quote a friend who knows says the Bible plainly says that God hates divorce. She tried to explain how she felt about it.

“God says there are grounds for divorce.” She explained,” God’s rules and laws are not in effect to anyone that is not a Christian. For him a person that is living in sin, which is anyone that has not turned to Christ and ask him to forgive them of their sins, there is no real rules anyway only the fact that you need to learn that Heaven is real and so is Hell and there is a way to gain Heaven and avoid Hell.”

I have never really thought about ending up in Heaven or Hell. I guess I just assumed I would always be graced by God and never had to worry about ending up in a bad place. I am not even sure I believe in Heaven or Hell. I just hope if they do exist I get to go to the better place.

My Christian friend Believes that there are some grounds for divorce like if your husband cheats on you? She said she believed, that an abusive husband is grounds as well as. Same thing if your husband won’t take care of his family then this could also be grounds for divorce.

“I wonder at times if we don’t put ourselves with the wrong person””, she pondered. Maybe the person we married is not who God wanted us to have? Just something to think about” she added.

Those are words for thought and I am not one to condemn someone if they have different a belief system than I do. I can appreciate that everyone is entitled to their own opinion without unfair judgment.

Even though I did go against my morals when I left my husband for another man, now I have to learn how to forgive myself and move on. I would think God would want me to.

What my friend and I do agree on is we both try to be the best people possible. We believe in doing good by loving our neighbor and giving of ourselves.

 

 

Wedding bug Home Wrecker

“Before we even started talking about a wedding, I swore I would not get obsessed. But once I was sitting in the midst of it all, I couldn’t help getting somewhat consumed with all the details.” 

When I first considered getting married I didn’t plan on having flowers or a classic wedding dress. I was dead set on walking down the aisle in combat boots and maybe even a black dress! I had this whole vision and this vision did not include china patterns, dress fittings, harp players or wildly uncomfortable pointy heels. I never had traditional ideas about having a wedding.

At that time I was just turning 30 and just started writing Home Wrecker. Since I was getting married I really thought it would be fun to write about what a sham the wedding business was. I was going to uncover the whole shady business.

I could have been described as was the anti-wedding grinch. I found the whole wedding trade to be a crock.

Yet, as soon as the engagement was official something changed in me. I guess you could say I got bit by the wedding bug. I could not pass the grocery check out line without examining all the Bridal magazines I saw. I became preoccupied with woman’s wedding rings and could not stop myself from grabbing stranger’s hands to examine their ring settings. I am sure this happens all the time but I really even surprised myself. I started to see the business of weddings a little differently. I got caught up in the details and I started wanting to look like the brides that graced the covers of bridal magazines. Basically, I started buying into something that I was originally against. This didn’t take very long for this to happen. From the very first detail, which was picking the venue, I had a change of heart. All of a sudden I wanted something that I had never wanted before.

This surprised my soon to be husband. He was prepared for a simple off-beat party. What we had were harps, “here comes the bride” and a very generic ceremony. My alternative attitude started becoming very conservative.

Sometimes planning a wedding can be a real Home Wrecker. A wedding should be all about the love the two people share but often the details get in the way.

To all the brides out there am I alone here or dId your ideals change during your wedding planning? If so, how? For me, I felt like I would be missing out if I didn’t have what everyone else had. I know that sounds kind of lame but that is how it happened.

Marrying the wrong man is a Home Wrecker

As an adult, I don’t think we ever stop learning.

With every disappointment we encounter, we learn something new. If we are smart we will actually apply some of this education to our own lives. Most of the time we do nothing. It is easier to stick with the status quo and stay with what feels familiar. What I have discovered is that it is never too late to make a change. Even though change can be uncomfortable, sometimes it is necessary for our sanity. Whether it is a job change, a move or as large as walking away from a long term relationship. There is no time like the present!

There is no reason any of us should have to feel stuck in a life that makes us miserable. We only have one life and this one life should meet our expectations if not exceed them. If I could go back in the past I would do so many things differently. But that doesn’t mean a thing since the past is in the past. What I can do, what we can all do, is look to the future and live the lives we were meant to live.

When I left my marriage of fifteen years I considered sticking around because it was predictable, safe, and most of all I had made the commitment. I felt like I would be considered a bad person if I didn’t follow through with this arrangement. I thought I owed it to my husband to stay with him until the end because he nursed me back to health while I was sick.

I believe he also thought that was enough reason for me to stay. When I started talking about leaving he was in total disbelief. It caught him by surprise. Up until then, he hadn’t a clue. Because of his good deeds I think he assumed I was a sure thing and that he could always count on me to stick around. By then I believe he started to take me and our relationship for granted. What kind of person would walk out on a guy who did everything in his power to make sure I survived the worst of the worst? He must have thought his good deeds gave him a little extra leverage. What kind of monster would walk out on a man whose intentions were so good and so pure?

When I left him I became his enemy. I did him wrong but at the same time I was truer to myself than I had ever been. I followed my heart. It is not as if I didn’t agree with his assessment of me, I did. I believed he was right. What a terrible person I had become, I thought to myself. Those inner voices in my head were not too kind. Basically I endlessly beat myself up for what I had done. Other people deserved breaks. Yet, I did not.

I spent months blaming myself for my bad deeds. I didn’t take it into consideration that I had been unhappy for the longest time. I lived with a feeling of emptiness way before he became my caretaker and my life support. I stuffed everything under the rug because change scared me and of course there was that “commitment.” Looking back, maybe the thought of finding happiness scared me. I had lived one way for so long that I had became accustomed to my misery. For as long as I can remember I was so dead inside. My marriage left me depleted with a big fat void that I couldn’t have imagined could ever be filled.

If I would have stayed stuck on that thought I wouldn’t have been able to experience the great joy that now is my life. It took everything in my power to make this change. Now as I look back, I am so grateful that I had the strength and the self love to finally put myself first.

 

Home Wrecker came from innocence

When I first started writing my book “Home Wrecker” I never imagined the problems I would have to endure with editors, publishers, bloggers and most unfortunately friends and family.

When I started with my story I never thought it would ever catch the interest of a publisher. For me it was a kind of therapy and, at times, a great deal of fun when the words would fit well together.

This story was written over a span of a year while I was preparing to be married. I was going through so much mentally. Maybe you girls know what I am talking about? Getting married was not all it was cracked up to be. It was nothing like the movies. This planning resulted in self-doubt and, unfortunately, the fear that I could be making one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Some fifteen or so years later I realized that I did indeed make a gigantic mistake by marrying the man that I did. I wanted out of my marriage and that is when I realized that I really did have a story to tell.

I sent my unfinished manuscript to a handful of publishers and to my great surprise I received an acceptance by email.

From that day on it has been a wild roller coaster ride but also a great education. If I felt like it I could sit on the computer all day working without taking a break. Social networking can be never ending.

During this time I have fought with editors, my publishers, media experts, authors, and sadly a couple of friends. I guess I had higher expectations.

When I was writing this story I never thought about marketing and publicity. I never saw myself as a Facebook kind of a person. I have learned how important social media is and along the way I have really enjoyed reuniting with some old friends. That has been the biggest surprise of all.

 

Lacking humor is a Home Wrecker

While shopping this afternoon at Tilly’s, a popular clothing store for teens I couldn’t help feeling like I was back in time. I haven’t worn those kinds of clothes since I was in High School. 

My boyfriend discovered this store from his nine-year-old grandson and wanted to go there to look for surfer style T-shirts. What adult man do you know that still wears teenage style board shorts and trendy surfer-boy tops? He does.

If going there was not awkward enough, he pulled off his shirt in the middle of the aisle and proceeded to try on one t-shirt after another. He was completely unaware that it might have been a bit alarming for any unassuming teenager who just happened to walki by. It was quite a sight, especially since he has tattoos.

Yes, my honey has two big Koi fish swimming around his mid section which he recently had done to cover up his soon to be ex’s nickname. What I have learned is if you get a tattoo of your current loved one, it is almost always the kiss of death to the relationship. I would call that a Home wrecker! I really believe that. I hope I am mistaken for all of you out there who has your lovers name inked on your body. This is only a generalization but I have seen it over and over again!

Then there is the his Tribal art tattoo that covers his entire back. Should I say more? Probably not!

I worry a mother is going to see him and fear for her teenage daughters. I haven’t been that flustered since I was a silly adolescent. There were many nights my mom would show up at my favorite nightclub wearing pajamas, an overcoat and slippers. Needless to say it was quite mortifying!

This scene today made me realize how I am hardly ever embarrassed by anything these days. Do you remember the last time you felt that self-conscious?

As a kid it seems we are always inhibited over something. As we get older we realize none of it really matters because no one really cares. It is such a freeing feeling not to have to tip toe around worrying about what other people think. How fun it is to be yourself and not have to make apologies.

I better get used to these kinds of scenes because being with my boyfriend is like being with an naive man-sized kid. He takes pleasure in standing out, talking to just about EVERYONE that passes us on the street, and has no problem breaking out in dance no matter where we are. At one time this would have made me blush from ear to ear and maybe even made me want to hide. Now I realize this is a big part of the reason why I love this man so much. In life there are so many harsh realities. If he has the need to party like it is 1999 then I am going to be right there with him.

A story without a Home Wrecker

My boyfriend’s dad shares another sweet story about his family during WWII when he was a Marine.

We were married at age 20 during WWII.  I was in the Navy.  After I was discharged from the Navy a friend of mine talked me into joining the U. S. Marines.  He said you only reported for duty twice a month for a couple of days.  For this you were paid about $120 a quarter.  Since I had a low paying job and a baby on the way I joined the Marines.  I gradually was promoted finally to a Master Sergeant.

In 1951 while we were on a 2 week summer training program we were immediately activated and sent to Korea where the war (commonly referred to as a “police action”)  I was gone from my family for a year.  At that time we had a son 5 and a daughter 3.  We lived in a 2 story condo and my wife was very security conscious. She was losing a lot of sleep without any security devices.

After a few months of my absence she came up with a brilliant idea.  She had a lot of intelligence and a vast amount of common sense.  Accordingly she invented her own security system.  Every night as she and the children were going to bed she had a box of Kellogg’s corn flakes which she sprinkled on each step as she proceeded to the second floor for the night. Needless to say this would have awakened the dead if any one came up those stairs. Upon awakening each morning, she swept up the corn flakes and placed them back in the box for the next night.  When I finally returned home after a year’s absence she related this story to me. I gave her a big hug and a kiss for being so ingenious.

To this day we still share this story with friends and laugh about it just as hard as if it were yesterday.

 

The Depression Era was a Home Wrecker

Here my boyfriend’s dad shares another moment in the life of a child born during the depression era.

Today I am a very satisfied and happy member of the middle class America, retired now for 38 years. I was born in 1924 as the oldest of 7 children in the cold real depression days in the 1920′s to early 1930′s.  Those were the days when practically everyone was out of work including my dad.  We went many days without 3 meals a day.  I remember one period of 2 weeks where we only had onion and mustard sandwiches for 3 meals a day.  When we moved into a vacated home we had no bed to sleep on.  We slept on the floor near the fireplace and huddled together to keep war.  I remember hunting rabbits with my bb gun.  Many days I would bring home a rabbit or a bird for meat on the table.

Occasionally I had a job picking strawberries at a penny per basket. I also worked on a farm (14 years old) from morning to evening harvesting hay and wheat for 25 cents a day with a luncheon meal provided.  Boy, did I enjoy that meal as the farmers had meat and vegetables for all of their meals.

I remember too how difficult it was for mom and dad to provide shoes and clothes year round for all of us.  We would go the summer and early fall seasons in our bare feet.  For school we would get a pair of tennis shoes.  By winter we had holes in the bottom of our shoes but still had to wear them to school.  Clothing was handed down from one child to another.  Being the oldest I was fortunate to get the new clothes when they were available.  Most of our clothes came from caring neighbors.

When Roosevelt became president he set up food programs from farmer surplus programs.  Boy, was that nice to pick up canned bully beef, flour for bread, rice and beans.  Later they passed out new clothes for the needy.  My dad received a brand new gray herringbone suit which was only good for Sunday church.  However, I attended one high school function where I was happy to be allowed to wear dad’s suit. I really felt I looked like the cat’s meow which was used to mean spiffy do or sharp.  Later on we were given a double bed where we four boys were happy to share it each night.  It was a little crowded but we kept warm that way.

Later on dad was fortunate enough to be hired on under the WPA (Works Progress Administration) working on the roads.  This wasn’t automatic.  You had to have some connections which my dad had.  Once in a while he would find a side job like digging a trench for a drain pipe at a residence.  I was given the job of using the pick and shovel along with my dad.  My brothers were too small to help.

Later on as the years went by the coal mines and coke burning ovens were activated and dad found a job in the mines and living conditions improved considerably.  During these hard times my family moved at least 12 times.  I don’t know if we were evicted or what but these moves were necessary.  I remember some families actually lived in the vacant coke ovens.  These were used to burn coal from the mines to be used in making steel.

As I look back on those days and the easy comfortable living that I am enjoying I bless our Good God for all of the blessings he has bestowed on me and my family.

Home Wrecker vs Friends

As a physical fitness instructor I never had to sell anything to anyone. I believed in my work which made it very natural to advertise my business. I never felt the need to sell products. I never did. I was able to suggest things without having to feel that I was pushing merchandise on my clients.

 Now as an author with a published book on the market the circumstances are different. The most crucial part of my job is to sell my story Home Wrecker. Being a “shameless self-promoter” is what I have referred to as my new job title. Not that it is a completely shameless job. I can’t say I have become all that comfortable with this new job description! I am not very enterprising and yet this book thing has become a real business endeavor for me.

It has been a really difficult process full of disappointments. I thought because I made the decision to take on this very personal project that all of my friends would want to support me and back me up. Well that has not been the case. I don’t want to sound petty but these feelings have been stirring within me since I found a publisher.

Early on I asked one of my closest friends if she would mind reading the manuscript for me as a way to be a fresh pair of eyes. She was unemployed at the time and spent many hours a day at the gym without too many responsibilities. Let’s just say she had the time. To my surprise she seemed put out by my request but to my even greater surprise, even after my book was published, she never got around to reading it. I am not sure what that was about? She read other people’s books and even promoted them on her Facebook page but for some reason there was little interest in mine. I thought she would be anxious to read it!

This wasn’t just a casual friendship as we were friends for over twenty years. This is a girl that called me her best friend and yet she couldn’t give my story the time of day.

I am sorry to say that relationship has recently ended. I couldn’t come to grips with her lack of support and after a while I couldn’t get past those bad feelings I was having towards her. I guess I just took it for granted that I would at least start out with the reinforcement of my dearest friends.

I assumed this because, if things were reversed, I would want to praise and back up my friends for any accomplishment that they may have achieved. Anything that would be important to my friends would also be important to me.

To all of you reading this, has this been your experience with any of your projects or business endeavors? Have you been disappointed with your support system or have you been pleasantly pleased?

On a recommendation from my dear friend Roni I have just started reading a new book by Elizabeth Gilbert (of Eat, Pray, Love fame) titled “Committed: A Love Story.” I couldn’t help feeling a little bit emotional in the beginning where she describes the most important twenty-seven women in her life. It brought tears to my eyes but it also made me feel a bit slighted. It was written with such genuine appreciation. As I was reading her words of adornment towards these people, I couldn’t help feeling negative feelings rise up inside of me.

I love the people in my life, the people I call my friends but how does one lower their expectations and not let it affect their relationships? How do you accept that not everyone is going to be happy or even interested in your work?

Reclusive Home Wrecker

I spent the best part of a week in Lake Tahoe with my outgoing boyfriend, my chatty cousin and his gregarious girlfriend. All three of them are definitely what you would call “sociable.” I on the other hand have learned to be more introverted.

I have gotten used to not conversing too much during social situations. You see, my husband was very much a recluse. He preferred to be left alone if at all possible. While traveling I can’t remember him ever talking to any one other than myself except when he had to conduct business like ordering a meal or paying for a rental car. He just had no interest in corresponding with strangers where I had always been very approachable and friendly. My parents were both extroverts so I was used to bantering with people that I didn’t know. After a while his ways kind of rubbed off on me.

Have you been in a relationship so long that your personality actually changed? How do you change back? Is it even possible? I hope so because I don’t want to be so restricted.

Now after all these years I think I have forgotten what it is like to carry on a good conversation one after another. It can feel like work where at one time it came very natural to me. Years ago I might have been described as a social butterfly but now I think I have become a bit uncomfortable around people. Being out and about feels almost foreign to me.

First of all, I am not used to traveling with other couples. This is all new territory for me. During my entire marriage I can’t remember traveling with other people other than a couple of easy over night getaways. To actually be around another couple for more than a few hours at one stretch was very new to me. I really had to step out of myself as it took all my energy to keep my enthusiasm up.

I hope I will be able re-learn to be more personable. I find those to be positive traits. I think being outgoing shows that you are comfortable in your own skin. I want to be more approachable and likable. Now that I am not with my husband there is no reason to hold back. His anti-social personality was a Home Wrecker.

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