Man Martin's Blog, page 93

Update from CERN

An International Team of Journalists 
struggles to come up with a metaphor 
for 9.9 Trillion DegreesIn case you missed it, the large Hadron Collider at CERN has created a man-made temperature of nine point nine trillion degrees Fahrenheit.  That's trillion with a t.  If it was only nine point nine billion, you'd probably say "No, big deal," but when it's nine point nine trillion, people sit up and pay respect.  Of course, that's Fahrenheit; it's only five trillion or so Centigrade, and it is dry heat, but still it's pretty darn impressive.  We might well give a thought to these European scientists who are out there creating incredible temperatures while the rest of us are out living our lives.

Journalists have been stumped coming up with descriptions of nine point nine trillion with a t degrees.  Some favorite words are "scorching," "sizzling," and "scalding."  They might as well say it's "balmy."  Anything in the trillions of degrees is way beyond scorching.  That's like saying being stuck in the bathroom when the only toilet paper in universe is on the far side of Andromeda is "inconvenient."

You might ask yourself what benefit to mankind is achieving a temperature of nine point nine trillion degrees. You might ask yourself, but don't ask me because I haven't the foggiest.  This is only the latest achievement out of CERN, the most famous being, of course, the possible discovery of the Higgs Boson, or so-called God Particle.  

I bet whoever nicknamed it that is kicking himself right now.  Call something a "God Particle," is guaranteed to attract attention like sticking a flashing neon sign on it.  Here these researchers have created a temperature of nearly ten trillion degrees, and all anyone wants to talk about is the "God Particle."  

Higgs Boson is just one kind of Boson out there; there's lots of other Bosons, but you never hear about them, do you?  Does anybody even talk about CERN's discovery of W and Z Bosons in 1983, or the discovery of a direct CP violation in the NA48 experiment?  They do not.  That's the problem with the cutting-edge research biz.  

If you have an ordinary job, people just say, "So, still selling insurance?" and you say yes, and then you talk sports.  Or better still, they don't say anything at all.  But if you're at CERN, you're expected to come out with something new every day.  If you tell them you're accelerating particles at each other at fantastic speeds to settle questions of quantum physics and discover the origin of the universe, they'll say, "But what have you been doing lately?"  Something like creating the hottest temperature ever recorded is likely to elicit a, "Whew!  Scorching!" which is good for one conversation, then they want to know if you've ever personally seen a God Particle and what it looks like, and if you think the God Particle would be interested in meeting them.

(Originally posted 2012)

Amazing Optical Illusions

The human eye is a tricky mistress; we trust her at our peril.  She says that two lines are equidistant and we believe her, then the next thing we know, we're waking up in Bangkok with a missing wallet, a headache, and a tattoo we'll never be able to explain to our wife.

Try these amazing optical illusions on yourself.  If that doesn't work, try them on someone else.



These two figures seem exactly the same in every way.  And yet the one on the left is entirely different.  Don't ask me why this is.






Stare at these concentric circles for an hour without blinking.  Not easy, is it?












If you drink two martinis very quickly, the object will seem to rotate counter-clockwise.  Drink three, and it will rotate clockwise.  Drink five and it will disappear entirely.  Science has not been able to explain this.





Would you say this shape is a hexagon or an octagon?  Either way, you'd be wrong.









This shape looks a square, doesn't it?  Measure the sides and you'll find they are all exactly the same.  Measure the angles and you'll find each one is exactly 90 degrees.  It looks exactly like a square, and any measurement you can perform on it will show it is a square.  This is because it really is a square, which only goes to show how little we really.

(Originally posted 2012)

Open Letter to Mars

Dear Mars:

Some say you are a lifeless ball of rock and sand, too cold and dry to ever support life in any form.

I certainly hope so.

If you do have life up there, you're pretty much screwed.

I don't know if they have screwing where you are, or if you can understand how this might be an idiom for something really, really bad happening to you, but screwing is how we earthlings create new earthlings.  Earthlings find this process very pleasurable and do a lot of it, which is why right now there are over seven billion of us down here, which coming back to my main point, is a big part of the reason we are so screwed in the first place.

Landing on your planet was a major accomplishment for us.  After traveling 104 million miles, a device which cost us billions of dollars, had to slow down from 13,000 mph to 2 mph in seven minutes, then transform itself into a crane and lower the "rover" the last twenty-five feet to the surface.  

The rover's name is "Curiosity."  Here on earth we have a saying about curiosity and cats, and while I'm absolutely certain you don't have cats up there, it's a very troubling saying vis-a-vis your getting screwed.  It should tell you something that we spent all this time, effort, and money to get off our own planet, even if it was only a robot. We deliberately landed in a crater, because we knew if there were any signs of microbial life at all, that's where they'd be.  So if you were thinking of hiding from us, forget it.

Meanwhile, what can I tell you about us?  Recently we had a world-wide contest in which our strongest, fastest, and most agile specimens showed how strong, fast, and agile they were.  One in particular is very beautiful by our standards and extremely young, and was able to throw her body around in the air and twirl and spin and land in ways that would take your breath away, assuming you can breathe.  She was criticized for her hair.

Also in the news, a young earthling, who seems to have been very gifted intellectually, went into a crowded building with semi-automatic weapons and shot at the people inside even though they'd done nothing to harm him and were only there in the first place to entertain themselves.  Their entertainment was watching professional actors pretend to shoot and pretend to be shot at with semi-automatic firearms and other weapons.  In an unrelated incident another man went into a another crowded building to shoot at people who had not harmed him.  One of our earthling law enforcement agencies is investigating this matter because the crime will be considered more serious if it turns out the shooter hated them.  The people in this second building were there to worship God which is part of the reason the shooter may have hated them.

Perhaps you don't worship God up there and don't know what I'm talking about; God is a being who is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good.  Almost everyone here believes in God.  Everyone seems to agree God is Love, but we we still have many profound theological disagreements.   For example, some people say that God hates it when people of the same sex screw each other, perhaps because you can't make new earthlings that way which they say is why God invented screwing in the first place.  Other people say God hates it when people try to stop people from screwing regardless of whether this might create earthlings because they say God made them this way, and screwing is an act of love, and God is Love.  

You see how complicated this is. Somehow all this means that I must either eat as many fried chicken sandwiches as possible or else I must not eat any fried chicken sandwiches at all.

If you are capable of reading at all, and if you do read this, by now you realize how deeply screwed you are that we have arrived on your planet, even if only in robotic form.  The best I can hope for you is that you have no life at all on your planet.  As for the other planets out there, and the other solar systems with planets, we on earth have an insatiable curiosity, and if there's any life elsewhere in the universe, we will not rest until we have found it.

Be warned.

Sincerely,

Man Martin

(Originally posted 2012)

Shades of Other Novels

E L James' sadomasochistic erotic series Shades of Grey continues to be a major publishing phenomenon, with the predictable effects on literature.

Moby Dick

  "Call me Ishmael."

  "I'll call thee anything thou wishest, darlin," the captain said, a terrible unholy glitter in his eye, "but first I'll have thee climb aboard yon whaler with me.  I've got some...  implements I want to show thee there.  Something thou've never seen afore, I warrant.  Whaling implements, if thou take me drift.  Harpoons and velvet handcuffs and the like."  His face became dark at some private thought and then he was possessed by a terrible mad cackle of mirthless joy like all the demons in Hell and all the madmen in Bedlam all at once..  "Thou could be me first mate if thou take a shining to it.  This ivory leg of mine ain't just for walkin' ye know."

Huckleberry Finn

  About an hour after dinner everybody was dozing around, some in their chairs and some in their rooms, and it got to be pretty dull. Buck and a dog was stretched out on the grass in the sun sound asleep. I went up to our room, and judged I would take a nap myself. I found that sweet Miss Sophia standing in her door, which was next to ours, and she took me in her room and shut the door very soft, and asked me if I liked her, and I said I did; and she asked me if I would do something for her and not tell anybody, and I said I would. And then there commenced the doggedest set of calisthenics I ever laid hand to, all with rubbing ourselves with lard, and I had to put a bit in my mouth like a mule, and Miss Sophia took to whipping me with a riding crop, which hurt like blisters but was kind of pleasant, too, once you warmed up to it.  And later Miss Sophia said I mustn't never tell and I said I wouldn't but I haven't been able to see a pair of leather britches from that day to this without a little secret smile on my face.

Pride and Prejudice

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife, else wherefore have a secret underground chamber with shackles built into the walls, pincers, and a cabinet stocked with rhinoceros horn and oyster shell?

The House at Pooh Corner

One day when Pooh Bear had nothing else to do, he thought he would do something, so he went around to Piglet's house, taking his velvet restrains, satin blindfold, and mink-covered handcuffs...

(Originally posted 2012)

Just How Cool Are You, Anyways?

Just how cool are you, anyways?

Very.  On a scale of one-to-ten, I'm a forty on the Cool-o-Meter.

Where do you buy your wardrobe? 

My wife shops for me, usually at WalMart unless Macy's has a sale.

What are you wearing right now?

Drawstring shorts and a t-shirt.  I think it's an old t-shirt from Pearl Barbecue in Micanopy, Florida.  I'm not sure what the stains are.

Socks?

White tube socks.  Comfortable, practical, and they go with everything.

Shoes?

Only when I'm outside.  I have a pair of knock-off crocs positioned at each entrance.

Eye-wear?

Recently I upgraded from reading glasses from the Dollar Store.  At WalMart you can get an entire set of five glasses on a card.  They are usually better quality.

Boxers or briefs?

Depends.  Ah-ha-ha, just kidding.  Today I'm wearing briefs, but sometimes I wear shorts with boxers to give myself that "layered look."

Where'd you get the Panama Jack hat?

Unless I'm mistaken, this is from Tampa, about two years ago.  Nancy put it in the washer to get out the sweat stains, with mixed results.

Are you really going out like that?

That's a question Nancy always asked.  My standard reply is to wait a few beats and ask, "Like what?"

Cool, very cool

Thank you.

(Originally posted 2012)

Lesser Zombie Emergencies

By now everyone has their Zombie Escape Plan, and that's a good thing, but when you get down to it, how likely is a Zombie Apocalypse anyways?  You should also have plans for lesser, but more likely, Zombie Contingencies.

A zombie stumbles into your kitchen, knocking over the extra virgin olive oil and starting a grease fire: First, don't panic.  If you have a fire extinguisher, pull the pin located under the trigger and spray at the base of the flame using steady sweeping strokes from right to left.  If you don't have a fire extinguisher, or if it's not working, pour baking soda directly on the flame.  If you don't have baking soda, place a large pot upside-down over the fire to smother it.  On no account attempt to put out a grease or electrical fire with water.  Once the fire is out, turn off the smoke alarm and shoot the zombie in the brain.

You swerve to avoid a zombie stepping into the road, and your car goes into a skid.  Remember, don't panic.  Gently, press the brake with your foot and turn in the direction of the skid.  Once you have regained control of your car, park it, get out, and shoot the zombie in the brain.

You arrive at an elegant party and discover a zombie there is wearing the same dress as you.  Whatever you do, don't panic.  A few well-chosen accessories can completely change your look.  A chunky necklace, big hoop earrings, and bracelets distract from the dress.  Even different shoes or a modified hairstyle can make a huge difference.  Once you've updated your look, you'll feel fresh and confident.  Then shoot the zombie in the brain.

You're at another party, and this time a zombie backs you into a corner, wanting to talk about politics and how you feel about same-sex marriages, Hillary Clinton, and Donald Trump.  Shoot him in the brain.

(Originally posted 2012)

Another Reason I Never Made It as a Cartoonist

(Originally posted 2012)

Noah's Ark, Footnoted

God said to Noah, “I am going to put an end to all people, for the earth is filled with violence because of them. I am surely going to destroy both them and the earth.
So make yourself an ark of cypress wood. This is how you are to build it: The ark is to be three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide and thirty cubits high.
The Lord then said to Noah, “Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation.  Take with you seven pairs of every kind of clean animal, a male and its mate, and one pair of every kind of unclean animal, a male and its mate, 
Noah was six hundred years old when the floodwaters came on the earth.
Pairs of clean and unclean animals, of birds and of all creatures that move along the ground, 

On that very day Noah and his sons, Shem, Ham and Japheth, together with his wife and the wives of his three sons, entered the ark.  They had with them every wild animal according to its kind, all livestock according to their kinds, every creature that moves along the ground according to its kind and every bird according to its kind, everything with wings.  [9] Pairs of all creatures that have the breath of life in them came to Noah and entered the ark. The animals going in were male and female of every living thing, as God had commanded Noah.

For forty days the flood kept coming on the earth, and as the waters increased they lifted the ark high above the earth. The waters rose and increased greatly on the earth, and the ark floated on the surface of the water. [10]

The waters flooded the earth for a hundred and fifty days. At the end of the hundred and fifty days the water had gone down, and on the seventeenth day of the seventh month the ark came to rest on the mountains of Ararat.

After forty days Noah opened a window he had made in the ark and sent out a raven, and it kept flying back and forth until the water had dried up from the earth.

By the first day of the first month of Noah’s six hundred and first year, the water had dried up from the earth. Noah then removed the covering from the ark and saw that the surface of the ground was dry. 
Then God said to Noah, “Come out of the ark, you and your wife and your sons and their wives.  Bring out every kind of living creature that is with you—the birds, the animals, and all the creatures that move along the ground—so they can multiply on the earth and be fruitful and increase in number on it.” Then Noah built an altar to the Lord and, taking some of all the clean animals and clean birds, he sacrificed burnt offerings on it. 


(Originally posted 2012)

David and Goliath, Footnoted

The Philistines
A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, 
His shield bearer went ahead of him.[7]



David chose five smooth stones from the stream, put them in the pouch of his shepherd’s bag [Oh yeah, David was a shepherd.  I forgot to mention that part.] and, with his sling in his hand, approached the Philistine.  
And the Philistine cursed David by his gods. “Come here,” he said, “and I’ll give your flesh to the birds and the wild animals!David said to the Philistine, “This day the Lord will deliver you into my hands, and I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals.” As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.  Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell face-down on the ground. __________________________________________________




(Originally posted 2012)

Discovering the Satan Particle

Finding Higgs Boson, the so-called "God Particle" is okay, if you're into that sort of thing, but when you get right down to it, what physicists ought to be searching for is the "Satan Particle."  

I know, I know, all about the fundamental building blocks of the universe, and unlocking the secret of creation, and all that, blah, blah, blah.  But how much time do most of us spend dealing with fundamental building blocks of the universe?  I don't need to understand the forces that hold things together nearly so much as the ones that tear them apart.

The reality of a Satan Particle, an infinitesimal little bit of nothing that infallibly screws things up, can be proven by the following thought experiment.

Imagine two identical twins, born on the same day to the same parents (actually, I covered all that when I said they were twins, didn't I?)  One stays on earth, and one boards a spaceship that travels around the galaxy at speeds approaching the velocity of light.  

The one aboard the spaceship will discover that his clock is running slow, and when he resets it, it will just flash "1:00" and he won't be able to figure out how to change.  Meanwhile, the one who has stayed back on earth will find no matter how he jiggles the toilet handle, it keeps running.  His wife will tell him maybe they should call the plumber, and remember what happened the time he tried to fix the water heater.  

If the one on earth observes the one in his spaceship from a telescope, he will notice his twin has certainly gotten flabby around the midsection, and yet when the twin sees himself in the mirror, he'll look just fine.  

Neither one will find the cellphone charger even though they saw it just the other day.  

When the one on the spaceship can't set his digital camera on "delay" his twenty-three year-old daughter will take it and do it for him, and he will just stare at it stupidly.  

Then, if each brother has a vital appointment, the brother in the spaceship, although he is travelling at the speed of light, will arrive precisely thirteen minutes late.  The other brother will have a mustard stain on his necktie he can't remember getting.

I ask the scientists in Switzerland or wherever it is scientists hang out to get to work unraveling these mysteries and see if they can't find the Satan Particle.

Meanwhile, does anybody know how to get mustard out of a silk tie?

(Originally posted 2012)