Man Martin's Blog, page 90

Figures of Speech - Where Do They Come From, and When Will They Leave?

Where did we get all these strange figures of speech we use nowadays?  Those things that everyone says but don't make any sense, like, "a penny saved is a penny earned," or "you can't tell a book by its cover."  What is meant by "earning" a penny, and for that matter, what is a "book"?  Well, a long time ago when people weren't as modern and up-to-date as we are now, but were planning to get there some day, they sat around together making up the language.  "If we're ever going to amount to anything," they said to each other,  "we're going to need us some handy sayings we can throw around to fill in the gaps of conversation."  This was especially important in an era before TV when there wasn't anything interesting to talk about.  So they made up all those funny little phrases we still use today even though now, thank goodness, our lives are so much more interesting we really don't need to say them any more or even, when you get right down to it, talk.

In case you're interested, here's a few of these "figures of speech" and their origins.  If you're not interested, there's a figure of speech involving the horse you rode in on you might want to look up.

The Whole Nine Yards

You might guess it has to do with football, but it doesn't.  A whole football field is a lot bigger than nine yards; it's twelve or thirteen yards, depending on whether you're playing American-style football, or South Carolina-style.  Actually, the original saying was "Hold My Nyards."  It doesn't make any more sense than the way we say it now, but that's where it came from.

Never Look a Gift-Horse in the Mouth.

In the Oklahoma territory, farmers left gunpowder on the ground and sometimes even whole sticks of dynamite which they used when they were going fishing.  Unsuspecting horses would graze and sometimes eat the explosives.  This made looking into the mouth of any horse, not just a gift horse, very dangerous because, well, BOOM!  This also made it dangerous looking a gift-horse in the butt-hole, but for some reason there wasn't a saying about that.

A Stitch in Time Saves Nine

There's a funny story associated with the origin of this saying involving Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, and a Tory sympathizer named Jacob Mutts.  Unfortunately, I can't remember it.



A Watched Pot Never Boils

At first glance, this doesn't even make sense.  Of course a watched pot boils, just the same as any other pot, as anyone who's ever watched a boiling pot can attest.  The original saying is "A boiled watch never tocks,"  which is why people don't boil watches any more.

(Originally posted 2013)

An Open Letter to My DNA

Dear DNA,

Over billions of years, using only five kinds of atoms combined to make only four varieties nucleotides, woven together like a spiraling rope-ladder, you have created the fantastic diversity of organic life, from Giant Sequoias to deep-sea-vent tube worms.  Though incapable of joy or suffering, you have made these possible.  Though not conscious, you have given us consciousness.  Though not alive, you have brought forth life.

Kudos.

I do not wish to blame you unjustly for matters beyond your control.  Death, for example, while inconvenient from the standpoint of sentient creatures such as myself, is clearly not a grievance that can be fairly laid at your doorstep.  Even were it possible for DNA to overcome the universal laws of entropy and decay, doing so would be impracticable since what progress you have achieved has arisen only by the process of "creative destruction."  Not only must organisms consume each other for nourishment, but organisms must compete against others of the same species to determine the most suitably adapted.  As new species arise, old species must give way.

Without Death, this whole intricate system would go ker-flooey.

Nevertheless, I wish to register a complaint, specifically on the matter of hair, and more specifically on the topic of male-pattern baldness of the human male.  This, I'm sure, seems like a very trivial matter, but it is its very smallness that makes it such an unnecessary annoyance.  I am reliably informed by both expert opinion and personal observation that baldness is attributable to DNA.  Were not both my father and his father bald, were it possible to believe I have lost my hair because of exposure to sunshine, "thinking too much," or divine retribution, I would have no basis for complaint.  Baldness in that case would be due to lifestyle choices, and I would have no one to blame but myself.

But I did nothing to cause baldness except surviving to adulthood, for which I can scarcely be blamed.  Even so, I would not take issue if baldness had a clear survival value for the species.  But what purpose does hair-loss serve?  Does making me unattractive to potential mates ensure I do not contaminate the gene pool?  But surely, it is in the interest of the species that its males remain sexually viable as long as possible, especially in the case of specimens such as myself who show such splendidly adaptive traits in other areas, for example remembering to put the seat down and "being a good listener."  Even if baldness served the purpose of warning off potential mates, just as a butterfly's bright colors warn off predators, surely this task is already amply accomplished by the sagging skin, baggy eyes, and liver spots you have also endowed me with.

Adding insult to injury, the loss of hair on my scalp is accompanied by a corresponding sprouting elsewhere. For example, my ears.  What's up with that?  What possible evolutionary benefit is achieved by making me grow hair in my ears?  The excess nose-hair, while a nuisance, is at least partly justified by knowing all members of my species have nose hair, and that nose hair is indeed a positive adaptation.  That since turning fifty, I have begun growing nose hair like a human Chia Pet, and that my nostrils - unless mowed at regular intervals - resemble a pair of Yetis crouching side-by-side in twin caves is a regrettable but perhaps inevitable side effect of a valuable adaption going somewhat awry over the course of a lifetime.  But why the ear hair, and why, while we're at it, the single hair on my back?  On one shoulder blade, I have begun growing a single hair.  Unless plucked, it can reach a length of four inches.  These aggravations serve no evolutionary purpose, to have hairs grow where they are useless if not downright counter-productive when they could be growing somewhere that would make me better adapted to my environment, for example, the top of my head.

Let me stress I offer these criticisms in the spirit of making constructive suggestions.  As I write this, I look out the window at the leaves, changing to orange and gold at the approach of autumn.  Far above, a red-tailed hawk is poised in the air, wings spread to catch a thermal draft, almost as motionless as if it had been painted.  Good job on that stuff, truly.  But if you could see your way clear, and I'm not asking for myself because I know it's too late for me, to taking care of the baldness thing in the next hundred million years or so, I think it would prove quite a successful adaption, sacrifice nothing in maintaining the balance between life and mortality, and raise morale generally.

Yours very sincerely,

Man Martin

(Originally posted 2012)

Out-Takes from Aesop's Fables

Once the tortoise and the hare decided to have a race.  At the beginning of the race, the hare ran very fast and soon left the tortoise far behind.  When he looked back and saw the tortoise had barely left the starting line, the hare said to himself, "Ho-hum, that silly tortoise will never beat me!" and he lay down and took a nap.  While the hare slept, the tortoise kept on going, slowly, steadily, slowly, steadily, towards the finish line.  When the hare woke up, he discovered that the tortoise was still far behind him, so he got up and finished the race in a walk.  The tortoise wasn't even close.

Moral: Hares are a hell of a lot faster than tortoises.






Once there was a carefree grasshopper and a hard-working ant.  The grasshopper fiddled and played all day during the summer, while the ant laboriously gathered food and put it in his cellar.  "Why are you working so hard, Brother Ant?" asked the grasshopper.  "It's a beautiful day, and there's plenty to eat."  "I'm storing food for the winter," the ant explained, not pausing in his labors.  "When the leaves fall from the trees, and food is scarce, you'll wish you'd been more industrious."  But the carefree grasshopper paid him no heed, and continued to play and sing the summer away.  But when summer ended, and the leaves fell from the trees, the weather began to turn colder.  The first frosty morning, the grasshopper died so it didn't matter that he'd been lazy all summer, because food wasn't an issue anyway.


Moral: Grasshoppers almost never starve to death.  They freeze.





Once there was a hungry fox who saw some grapes growing high on the wall.  He jumped and tried to get the grapes, but failed.  So he tried again.  He failed again.  He jumped and jumped, but the grapes were always out of his reach.  Finally when he was tired and panting, he said to himself, "Ah, I don't want those grapes anyway.  They're sour!"  Just then, though, a crow flew down to eat the grapes and a few fell on the ground where the fox could get them.  He tasted one, and you know what?  It really was sour.


Moral: Foxes don't like grapes.  Crows do.

(Originally posted 2012)

Sunday School

I've signed up to teach Sunday School at my church - the first grade class.  Ah, the little darlings.  I don't do it all on my own; there are two other teachers and we work in rotation.  Also, an older boy, Thomas is his name, is there to assist.

Anyway, the very first lesson I taught covered Abraham's journey to Canaan up to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  It's a very interesting story in many respects.  Of course, the verses selected by the diocese or whoever selects these things left out all the most salacious stuff.  For example, as Abraham is traveling around with his wife Sarah, whenever some potentate asks, "Is that your wife?"  Abraham always comes back with, "Wife?  Heck no.  She's just my sister."  And then Abraham sits outside the tent or city gates, twiddling his thumbs, while Sarah and the potentate get better acquainted inside.  Then Abraham and Sarah go to the next city over where the same thing happens.  Better, I suppose, then saying, "Heck yes, this is my wife!  Hands off, buddy!" and getting whacked by the potentate's henchmen, but not the sort of thing you can explain to a bunch of six-year-olds.

I'm not sure how much the class got out of the lesson, but they seemed to enjoy the part - or at least I enjoyed reading it - where Abraham wheedles God down on his threat to destroy Sodom and Gomorrah.  That's what cool about God in the Old Testament, you could talk him into stuff.  God's all set to rain down burning sulfur and brimstone, and Abraham's like, "Well, what if I can find fifty righteous men?  Would you still do it?"  And God's like, "Okay, if you find fifty righteous men, I won't do it."  Then Abraham's like, "Well, what about forty-five righteous men?"  And bit by bit, Abraham talks God Almighty into sparing the cities if he can find just ten righteous men.  Oddly, though, there doesn't seem to be any record of Abraham actually looking for any righteous men, like taking out a personal ad: Aged Semite seeks ten righteous men to appease God's wrath, or something.  Maybe Abraham wasn't really all that interested in saving Sodom and Gomorrah, he just wanted to see if he could out-negotiate God.

Another scripture we didn't read was the part where a couple of angels come to visit Lot.  Lot's some sort of relative of Abraham, a nephew or something, I forget.  Anyway, he's got an apartment in Sodom, and when word gets out he's got visitors, the whole town shows up on his doorstep demanding he turn them over to the crowd so the crowd can turn them over themselves (If you take my meaning.)  And Lot says - get this - I won't give you my visitors, but you can have my daughters, and they're virgins!  There is no record of how the daughters felt about this proposal, but the townspeople weren't having it.  They had come there to get some angel bootie, and weren't leaving til they got it.  Long story short, Sodom and Gomorrah get eighty-sixed.  Boom.  Lot's wife turns back to take a gander and turns into a pillar of salt.  I do not know what became of the gander.  Later - this part I also did not read to my Sunday School class - Lot's daughters get him drunk and have sex with him in the mistaken belief the world has ended and they are the last three people alive.

Ahem.

Out of this muddle of adultery, pimpery, incest, and rape, the most profound moral some Christians can discover is that God doesn't like homosexuals.  (Homosexuality seems a rather minor theme in this tale, but I think whatever your stand on Gay Rights, we can all agree God doesn't like people who gang-rape angels.)

In any case, one moral idea is abundantly clear: the Bible isn't fit reading for anyone under twenty-five.

(Originally posted 2012)

Fifty Shades of Black and Blue (A Sex Novel for the Rest of Us)

Not having read Fifty Shades of Grey (No really, I haven't) I speak without knowledge, but to my understanding, the success of the book has to do with its BDSM Content (Bondage, Discipline, and Sado-Mascochism.)  Now, Nancy and I have never used any waffle-irons, clothes-pins, needle-nose pliers, or whatever devices adventurous couples wield against each other in the pursuit of sexual fulfillment, but when it comes to causing pain in the bedroom, we've never needed to.  We hurt each other plenty with just the elbows, knees, skulls, and shins God gave us.  The following would be a transcript for an alternative erotic or eratic novel based on my and Nancy's sex life.  In the following dialogue, I will omit the description of actual mechanical activity involved feeling this is best left to the readers' imagination.

Nancy: Jesus, oh, Jesus...

Man: Am I turning you on, sweet darlin'.

Nancy: No, Jesus - what's that smell?  Did something die in here?

Man: Sorry, that's me.  I had the rest of the split pea soup for lunch.

Nancy: Jesus.  Open the window or something.  Turn on the fan.  I thought the dog was doing it.

(A few minutes later.)

Nancy: Mmm.

Man: Ow, ow, ow!

Nancy: What's wrong?

Man: Foot spasm!  Ow, ow!

Nancy: Oof!  You just kneed me in the belly!

Man: Ow! Sorry!  Foot spasm!  (Falls off bed.  Sound of lamp crashing.  Dog leaves room.)

Nancy: Are you okay?  (Getting out of bed.)  Yow!  (Shrieks)  Broken glass!

(Assorted bangs, shuffles, and screams.)

You get the idea.

I await my ten-million dollar advance.

Dealing with Difficult People

In the hustle and bustle of Twenty-First Century life, people sometimes forget their manners.  They push and shove in line, they curse in public, they shoot at random strangers with nail guns.  In short, they are just plain rude.  As much as we might wish these people would just go away to an island somewhere where they would annoy each other, this just isn't feasible, so we have to learn to cope with difficult people and defuse situations before they get out of hand.  Here are some guidelines.

1. Know the Signs.  Tempers don't just flare up out of nowhere.  There's almost always a build-up, and if you know what to look for, you can head off trouble before it starts.  A person who frowns and refuses to make eye contact may be in a bad mood.  It's even worse if they frown and make eye contact.  Nervous fidgeting and pushing things around is another sign.  They may push around small objects such as pen caps, razor-sharp switchblades, you.  Another giveaway are tattoos such as, "I will kill you if you look at me funny," or "Die, you damn yuppie scum."  The wise person picks up on such little clues and steers away.

2. Remain Calm.  This is really the key to the whole thing.  If you respond to aggression with more aggression, it only exacerbates the problem.  For example, if someone comes after you with a baseball bat, you may be tempted to come back at them with a sledge hammer.  This, however, is a mistake.  Instead, keep your cool.  Try taking deep breaths.  This can be difficult to do when someone has his hands around your throat throttling you, but you will find it worth the effort.  Should you survive long enough, your calm breathing will also have a calming effect on your assailant.  Everybody wins.

3. Be Pleasant and Reassuring.  The Bible says "a soft answer turneth away wrath."  Of course, the Bible also says somewhere near the headwaters of the Tigris an Euphrates there's an angel with a flaming sword making sure no one sneaks back into Eden.  Nevertheless, in the midst of a confrontation, a friendly remark can do wonders.  Instead of "getting an attitude," try paying a compliment, such as, "That's a very nice gun you have pointed at me.  Do you mind telling me where you got it?"

4. Respect Personal Space.  People feel threatened when their space is violated, and this is especially true when they're upset.  Maintain a good three feet between you and a person who seems on the verge of "losing it."  In some cases, three feet may not be enough.  You may want to leave the room entirely, if possible.  In the case of especially persistent and violent stalkers, or if you've borrowed money from Vinnie the Crud, you may find it useful to go all the way to another state and change your name.

(Originally posted 2012)

How Spiritual Are You?

Spiritual people spend a lot of time thinking 
about the cosmos and stuff

These days you can't throw a brick - and believe me, there's times I'd like to - without konking somebody who goes around saying how "spiritual" he is.  The great thing about Spirituality is - well, everything.  I'm surprised mankind even bothered with religion at all when spirituality was sitting there handy on the shelf, just waiting to be used.  You never see mobs of fanatics firing-bombing KFC's because someone mocked their sense of spirituality.  No one ever used "spirituality" as a pretext to expunge scientific facts from textbooks.

Best of all, with Spirituality no one ever has to do anything but precisely what he wants.  Spirituality isn't about changing who you are, but embracing it.  People who are spiritual don't have to go to church and sit next to some boring old fart who wants to shake your hand and tell you all about her gallstones because God knows, she doesn't have anyone else to talk to.  Spiritual people don't have to listen to some priest lecture them about a bunch of nonsense no one believes anyway, like "forgiving those who curse you," and "turning the other cheek."  Spiritual people don't have to confess their sins, because - as far as I can make out - Spiritual people don't have them.  How wonderful that must be!

Nevertheless, Spirituality isn't for everyone.  There are some highly complex concepts that must be mastered.  It can take hours of thought, even days, before one can call oneself truly Spiritual.  Here are some of the key terms:

Inner Path, Essence, Cosmos, Transcendent, Divine, Greater Being, Celebrating, Being, Embracing, In the Moment, Inner Self, Inner Child

Here is how these concepts might play out in practice,

"I am embracing the essence of this chocolate donut in the moment."

"My Inner Child is having a tantrum right now.  Celebrate it."

"Thank you for inviting me to your lame party, but my Inner Path is telling me I have something better."

"In all the Cosmos there is my Lexus, your Camry, and this intersection where the two have met.  Who's your insurance company?"

"I'm sorry I forgot to water your geraniums.  I was In the Moment."

As you can see, Spirituality addresses the fundamental questions of existence and answers them with a firm, "I'll get back to you on that."

(Originally posted 2012)

My Science Project

For my science project this year, I have recreated a life-size model of the actual living environment of the American male.

For this project I needed a comfortable chair, several books, gym socks, raisins, popcorn, a coffee-cup, a footstool, various cords and chargers.  These have been arranged in a careful simulation of the actual environment.  I have carefully painted simulated coffee spills on the upholstery and scattered popcorn and raisins in the cushions and under the chair.  

Originally, I planned to scatter grapes and let them turn into raisins, but time did not permit.  

The chargers for cellphones, lap tops, Ipods and electronic devices required a twelve-outlet box.  You will notice that many of the chargers are for unidentified devices and devices that indeed no longer exists.  This is deliberate on my part and adds to the realism.

I modeled the American male out of 200 pounds of flesh-colored Play-Doh.  I required fifty pounds to model his fat ass alone.  You will notice that the model is completely motionless.  This again is intentional and adds to the realism.  I dressed the Play-Doh model in swim trunks, a stained tee-shirt, and white tube socks. He is posed as if typing on the computer while watching TV.  This ensures he will neither get any productive work done nor understand what he is watching.

Behind him is a poster explaining the habits of the American male.  Over the course of a year, a typical American male will eat fifty pounds of cookies and cakes, one hundred pounds of refined sugar, fifty-five pounds of fat and oil, three hundred containers of soda, twenty gallons of ice cream, five pounds of potato chips, and two pounds of candy.  He will watch one thousand, seven hundred, ninety hours of television.  In the course of a year, he will spend less time exercising than he spends on Facebook.  If he is like one in four Americans, he will not read a single book this year.

He is made of Play-Doh and sits unmoving in a chair in front of the TV .

I think I deserve an A+.

(Originally posted 2012)

Gin Review

Gin, from the French genievre, or Juniper, from which it derives its distinctive flavor, dates to the Middle Ages; it has evolved into one of the most widely enjoyed spirits for the connoisseur and novice alike. I will taste-test some of the more popular brands and offer a brief survey.

Hendrick's: A Scottish Gin that infuses rose petals and cucumber into its flavoring as well as the traditional Juniper berries.  Expensive, but many say well worth it.  A very tasty and distinctive gin.

Plymouth: I've never tasted this gin before, but it is quite excellent and may well be my new favorite.  Dry and  unusuusal, it makes a superlative martini.

Tanqueray: A famliar favorite.  Never disappoints.

Bombay:  A darn fien gin.  Dilicous.

Seagrams: Reelly underrated.  Some oeolo  some peoou  some people don't like Seagrams   Snobs they don't knw what theour they're talking about Seagrams is a darn fine gin.  I don't care who know s it.

Boodles: i guahgy get gin .  Its goood.  Goodd.

Beefeagaer  Beefeea  Beef eai  Beef eagter  The hell with it

(Originally posted 2012)

What's Your Breakfast Cereal Name?

  First initialA - HoneyB - CrunchC - FrostedD - ChocolateE - CaramelF – ChewyG - CreamyH - SquishyI - MagicJ - YummyK – ScrumptiousL - SugaryM - CinnamonN - RaisinO - AlmondP - NuttyQ - CracklyR - VitaminS - PowerT - ToastedU - PuffedV - FlakedW - BakedX - FortifiedY – All-NaturalZ – Pulverized Middle InitialA-   OatB-  RiceC-  WheatD-  CornE- Multi-grainF-   BranG-  MarshmallowH-    ClusterI-      MushJ-    PuffK-    CircusL-     FunM-   HappyN-    ClownO-    CookieP-     GranolaQ-    Road-KillR-    MonsterS-     YummyT-     ButterU-    Ice-CreamV-    YogurtW- PeanutX-    WalnutY-    CoconutZ-     Hazelnut Last InitialA – SquaresB – LoopsC – BunchesD – NutsE – ClustersF – SticksG  KnucklesH – YumsI – CrumblesJ – Fall outK – FlakesL – BalesM – BitsN – CrapO – Dangle-DinglesP – LumpsQ – LogsR – NutsS – BobblesT – SquirtsU – MushV – ToastiesW – TastiesX – TartsY – O’sZ - Mugwumps