Man Martin's Blog, page 177

Resolutions for the End of the World

If you see this when you look out the window,
don't bother going to the gymAcross the nation, millions of people will go about their lives, humbly heading to their jobs, making their small unacknowledged contributions to civilization.

Suckers.

In case you didn't know, according to the Mayan Calendar, today, Friday, December 20, 2012 is the end of the world.  I hope you got all your shopping done.

People have been asking me, "Man, what will you do when the end of the world comes?"  They've also been asking me, "Do you mind curbing your dog?" and "Are you really going to wear that?"  My answer to the first question, is a clear, unequivocal, "I haven't decided."  Computer solitaire and sleeping are near the top of the list, as is watching re-runs of Dobie Gillis.  One thing I can say is that I regret that we have eaten all the Thin Mints and Samoans; this isn't a day you want to be caught without a freezer full of Girl Scout Cookies.

While I haven't decided what I will be doing, I've got a pretty firm grasp on what I won't.  For example, I won't be cleaning the leaves out of the gutters.  This is not a pleasant activity in the first place, but will be even less so given the molten balls of lava spewing through the air and the birds of carrion seeking to pick flesh from the living and dead alike.  This pretty much explains why I'll avoid going outside altogether, for example, going to the gym.  I definitely won't be going to the gym.  Driving anywhere will be a complete mess what with groaning zombies stumbling around searching for human brains to eat and blocking the intersections.  By the time you get anywhere, the giant Black Hole will have opened up a fissure in space/time and sucked all matter in the universe into a pinhead-size singularity.  Then try to find a parking place.  I figure as far as the gym goes, if I don't have six-pack abs by now, I'm never going to have them.

Since we can rule out leaving the house - why even bother to check the mail? You know that's going to run late - we can also cross off getting dressed along with taking a shower and changing our underwear.
"But, Man," I hear you protest, "surely you don't want to stand before Saint Peter in last night's whitey-tighties?"  I say, why not?  Why should he get off the hook?

To recap, while my plans are not completely finalized, I'll be staying in today.  Assuming the utilities folks are chumps enough to keep the electricity and cable running, I'll be watching Dobie Gillis.  If not, my computer battery lasts seven hours, so I'll be playing computer solitaire.  I'll probably be playing computer solitaire in any case.  We don't have Girl Scout Cookies, an oversight for which I blame myself although clearly the person at fault is really Nancy, so I'll be digging out the brownie recipe and cooking up a couple of pans of those.

If you come pounding at my door screaming about how the graves have yawned and yielded up their shrieking dead, and fiery legions fight in squadrons in the sky, dripping blood and flames onto the ground, and people mad with terror flee they know not where, and the owl of night has been seen by day, I'll have only this to tell you.

Make your own damn brownies.

Other Extinct Species

The Rotary-Dial Ant: Insectivorus Belltelephonicus once fed on the nutritious micro-fungus that grew in the finger-holes of rotary-dial phones.  Put under severe pressure by the introduction of push-button phones, the ant was listed as "critically endangered" by the turn of the century, a few hundred individuals managing to eke out their existence in the button cracks of Blackberries; the introduction of the Smartphone was the final blow.


The VCR-Rewinder Skink: The last of the Turntable Skinks having disappeared in the latter third of the last century, a few specimens evolved to adapt to life in rewinders for VCR tapes and flourished, their gorgeous coloration and their mating cry "takka-takkity-takka-takk" were common in households throughout the land.  The appearance of DVDs and Blue Ray sent them the way of the Eight-Track Salamander and the Cassette-Tape Vole.


The Bookstore Sloth: At one time great herds of these magnificent beasts could be seen roaming the aisles from Walden to Barnes and Noble; although still around, their numbers are sadly diminished as the internet has encroached on their former browsing grounds and except for a few stuffed examples in private collections (available on Ebay starting at $250) these creatures are rarely seen.

Remember The Kakapo

I owe this concept to my nephew Luke, so blame him.

About a million years ago, some parrots were blown in by storm to New Zealand and found themselves in a veritable paradise, parrot-wise.  No predators, great climate, plenty of things parrots like to eat.  Their world was ideal and contained no problems they weren't perfectly suited to dealing with.

Over the course of time, they evolved into Kakapos, which means something like "Owl Parrot" or "Night Parrot."  They are bigger than the biggest parrot you ever saw in your nightmares of parrot attack, but are extremely gentle and have remarkably soft, fur-like feathers.  They are flightless, nocturnal, and ground-dwelling.  They make a series of calls, including a loud shriek with which they announce their location to others, and they also have a pleasant and distinctive smell, described as "musty."

The calls and the fragrance have proven particularly helpful in locating Kakapos for rats and other predators introduced by Europeans, which is why the Kakapo is now critically endangered, down to such a small population, most of the individuals have been given names.

So here's the thing - and I don't wish to blame the victim here because how could anyone wish to blame a five-pound flightless parrot with a pleasant smell - the Kakapo had arrived in what was to them a Kakapo Heaven and they had lost all those pesky attributes - flight, fear, the ability and instinct to conceal oneself - that come in so handy for other species around the world.  So when Captain Cook arrived with a ship full of sailors and hungry rats, the Kakapo were push-overs.  (Parenthetically, any indigenous species has reason to be concerned when a ship's captain is named Cook.)  I'm not trying to let humans off the hook here, I'm just saying that the Kakapos, like the Dodos, were particularly vulnerable because theretofore their island home had been so perfect.

We might wish to live in paradise, we seek it out, and try to make our world approximate it as closely as possible.  We avoid stress, we don't want it, and we don't like it.  But maybe, after all, we need it.  Maybe we aren't suited to paradise, not that we'd mind living in it, it would just backfire horribly in the long run.
So the next time things are going hunky-dory, and then the Spectre of Doom comes in and lobs a stinker, be grateful it happened sooner rather than later.  Too much of a good thing is too much.  Remember the Kakapo.

The New Apps

Sucker! You know those pesky emails you get from the Ivory Coast, where someone claims to have ten million dollars US but needs a handy account to transfer it to?  This app will answer all those for you, supplying your bank account numbers, ATM password, and any other helpful information, thereby freeing you up to spend more time researching penny stocks or looking for Russian brides.

Virtual Cat.  Ever wished to own a cat but never got around to it?  Virtual Cat will yowl at odd hours, cough up hairballs in the bathroom, claw the woodwork, and pee on the divan.  Every three months a veterinary bill will arrive for $400.

Snark-O.  If you're serious about mastering the social networks, you need Snark-O.  Fill out a questionnaire about your tastes and beliefs regarding politics, religion, culture, and sex, and Snark-O will comb the internet for the latest-breaking news, and randomly generate snarky commentary using its database of ironic catch-phrases and put-downs.  It then tweets these and posts them on Facebook for you, making you look like the hip trendsetter we all wish to be.

LIBOR-Fixer.  Finally a way to manipulate exchange rates that's fast and easy for everyone to use.  You'll need a hefty bank account to start with ($100 to 300 billion) but LIBOR-Fixer takes all the guesswork out of interest rate swaps, foreign currency options, and forward rate agreements.  A must have for anyone negotiating a new car- or home-loan or anyone seeking to make Western Capitalism collapse like a house of cards.

Tourettes-To-Go:  Now your smartphone will randomly shout out graphic obscenities, insults, and meaningless yawps at work, home, and play.  A great conversation-stopper.

Zoe's Ear Infection

Our dog Zoe has chronic ear infections; we can tell when she's coming down with another bout because she shakes her head, making her rabies tag jingle against her collar buckle.  In some houses, the sound of jingling means Christmas is coming; in our house, it means the dog has an ear infection.

The procedure for treating her infection is three-fold: first, we must write a large check to the veterinarian, second, we wash out her ears with a highly-diluted solution of salicylic acid, then we squirt in ointment that makes the fur around her ears look somewhat greasy, as if through some inexplicable activity, she'd gotten her ears nasty - those and nothing else.  After cleaning her ears and applying ointment, we also give her a doggy treat, which is not specifically part of the treatment, but a reward for her patience with us during the other procedures.

Nancy and I have acknowledged, since these infections have become an increasingly common feature of Zoe's life, that even once the infection clears up, we will need to continue cleansing her ears with the salicylic acid at least once a week.  Keeping her ears clean should help prevent future outbreaks.

And here is the strange thing; Zoe does nothing to contribute to the household's finances - she does not pull a sled, herd sheep, or carry casks of brandy to marooned skiers.  She does bark at random noises for us, for example, ringing doorbells on television, but this is not nearly as helpful as she perhaps imagines.  She does nothing except eat, sleep, and lick herself - and shake her head when she has an ear infection - and yet Nancy and I are undertaking for the rest of her life, to get down on the floor with her once a week, squirt cleanser into each ear and massage it around with our fingers, and then reward her for putting up with it.  This is in addition to all the other duties she imposes on us, duties we take on gladly; for example, when she begins scratching her butt on the carpet a certain way, we have to look at her backside and...  But I will spare you that detail.

I say none of this in the spirit of resentment, far from it.  I'm really happy to do it.  The fact is, I lied earlier when I said Zoe does nothing to contribute to the household.  She loves us, absolutely and without reserve.  Love is worth a great deal.

Conversation with the Cable Company

"Hello, you've reached Universe Cable Company's service department.  How can I help you?"

"Yes, I see there's been some good shows on HBO lately, and I'd like to add that channel."

"Excellent.  For just $95.99 extra a month, I can sign you up with our 'Basic Plus' Package."

"Good Lord, that much just to get HBO?"

"But you don't just get HBO, sir, you also get the Weather Channel, the Home Shopping Network, and five channels of ESPN: ESPN Football, ESPN Baseball, ESPN Croquet..."

"I get the idea, I get the idea.  But I don't watch sports on even one channel, some I'm hardly interested in not watching it on five.  I like the channels I get now, but can I add HBO?  Just that and nothing else?"

"Well, we could sign you up for 'Basic Plus Premium, that gives you eight hundred channels and it's only $205.25 extra a month.  You get three HBO channels, plus seven ESPN Channels, the Wild West Network, the Barbie Channel..."

"What, in the name of all that's holy, is the Barbie Channel?"

"Non-stop streaming commercials for Barbie and Barbie-related merchandise to order on line or by phone."

"I'd rather watch fingernails scraping a blackboard."

"I don't think we have that channel, sir."

"Look, isn't it possible, I just want to add HBO, just that.  Nothing else.  Can't I just order that one additional channel?"

"Well, there's Basic Plus Premium Deluxe..."

"And I bet it costs a million dollars."

"Not when you pay by the month.  It gives you the Al Qaeda Network, The Praise Jesus and Send Money Network, the Hummel Figurines Channel, The War in the Pacific Channels, Sea-Monkey TV, and if you get bored with that, a real-live station manager will come and dance naked on your dining-room table."

"Okay, I can't resist.  Sign me up."

"You want the Basic Premium Deluxe?"

"Yes, why not.  What the heck.  It's only money.  At this point I'll do anything to get out of this conversation."

"Very good, I've set up your credit card to automatically debit monthly payments of $88,000, beginning immediately, and...  Oh... wait a minute."

"What is it?"

"That package doesn't come with HBO.

Newtown, Our Thoughts Are With You

Carol and Sandy were waiting in line,
talking about a tv show
their parents did not allow them to watch
Elgin was punching Charles' shoulder
Jordan was showing a picture to Cam
Niles was thinking of baseball
Symone was thinking of home
a stranger was turning from Crestwood to Washington
Kelcie was telling Alexis a joke
Kendra was laughing at Ben
Audrey was watching the December sunlight
a stranger pulled into Sandy Hook School
Randolph, and Gary, and Camiel were quiet
Tom was playing a game
Jada was keeping a secret
Marci needed to pee
and William had just announced
he did not believe in Santa
but did believe in God
when he lifted his head to the cafeteria door
where a stranger had just stepped inside.

a third grader knows so little of life
but who among us knows more?

Frogs

When I was a kid, it seems there were frogs everywhere, but now, spotting a frog is a special occasion.  You feel like writing about it in your diary.  Or at least blogging about it.  No, I haven't seen an actual frog lately, that would merit its own blog.

As a child, and I will admit it, even as an adult, frogs were my favorite neighbors among the natural world.  How cheery little toads seemed, hopping out from underfoot as I walked out on a balmy night.  How beautiful green and sleek were green frogs stretching and compacting their muscly bodies as they jumped and swam to the bottom of a pond.  How delightful little tree frogs, piping in astoundingly loud for their tiny throats.

I am not alone in my fondness for frogs; it's not for nothing that Toad of Toad Hall steals the show from the mammalian co-stars in Wind in the Willows.  Or that the most popular of the Muppets is Kermit.  We like frogs.  There's something senatorial and yet blandly pleasant in their jowly faces.

Whither are all the frogs of yesteryear?

It turns out, this is not just a product of my imagination; world-wide the population of frogs has been declining for decades.  Part of this has to do with toxins in the environment - the herbicide atrazine has been linked to some frogs becoming demasculinized.  Another factor is a deadly fungus that seemingly affects all species of amphibians.  Some scientists say as many as half of all species of amphibians are threatened with extinction.

The role of amphibians in the environment aside, and who can calculate the tonnage of insects these little critters eat, I like frogs.  We must be better and more careful stewards of our planet.  We must monitor irruptions of fungal, microbial, and viral plagues diseases even when they affect not humans, but other animals.  There are still frogs, just not as many as there once were.  I cannot imagine a world without them.

Other TV Stars on Hard Times

"A lot of troubled television stars, both past and present are making headlines lately... Former Nickelodeon kids all grown up (and breaking bad), Fox sitcom stars getting old before their times -- even homicides. We've got eight of the biggest, and saddest, headline-makers right here." — Sarah D. Bunting, Yahoo! TV

Phillipe St Croix LePieux, known to his fans as the amorous skunk, Pepe Le Pew, faces deportation proceedings from the INS for sex crimes, stalking, and public nuisance.  LePieux has offered to submit himself to therapy for his morbid attraction to cats rather than return to Paris where he has outstanding warrants for unlawful impersonation of Maurice Chevalier.
Elmer Fudd, suffering withdrawal from Minoxidrate, a prescription medication that purportedly allows one to pronounce the letter "r," gained entrance into a children's petting zoo with a fully-loaded AK-47, and fired one hundred fifty rounds at point-blank range into a pen, shouting maniacally, "Kill da wabbits!  Kill da wabbits!"  He missed.
Daniel "Daffy" Duck is recuperating from multiple broken bones and lacerations after unwittingly provoking a bar fight, when he asked a motorcycle gang member with a history of anger-management issues, "Excuse me, sir, please pass that salver of slightly salted snacks."
Phineas "Foghorn" Leghorn outraged a Los Angeles audience during a stand-up routine when he began making racial slurs about dogs.  When an audience member of mixed Alsatian-Dalmation descent told Leghorn to "sit down and shad-ap," Leghorn responded that dogs are so stupid "they buy nonstick glue," adding that they are so ugly "they have to sneak up on the mirror."  The largely canine audience - it was the week of the National Kennel Club Convention - rioted.  Leghorn has not yet responded to demands he make a public apology on Letterman.

Can the Human Race Survive?

This question was brought to mind when my friend Chrishele, who's engaged, told me she and four friends were going shopping for the wedding gown.  She was okay with four, Chrishele  explained to me, but she absolutely drew the limit at six.

When I heard this, my brain reeled like it had a swordfish on the other end of the line, and spots appeared before my eyes.  Then Chrishele said she'd gone shopping for a wedding gown before with up to eight people.  And it's a good thing I wasn't the one driving - we were carpooling at the time - because the world went swimmy before me, and I gripped the hand rest and pushed myself back into the vinyl upholstery.

Even the thought of enduring such hell.

What makes this even more astonishing is they're shopping for a wedding dress.  How many opinions can they need?  It's not like they have to choose a color.

You need to understand that I despise shopping, particularly shopping for clothes, and I think I am like most men of my generation in this regard.  I cannot imagine any purchase - wedding tuxedo, new Maseratti, two hundred acres, coffin - to which I would invite even one, let alone two, of my friends to witness.  The most a man will do is show his friends something after he's purchased it.  "Here's my new cowboy hat."  "Nice.  Now where's that money you owe me?"

Now how can the human race, which depends for its existence on at least intermittently cordial relations between the sexes, endure when men and women have such divergent world views when it comes to shopping.  I have heard my wife and her friends planning a day of shopping together and looking forward to it.  Whereas in the early days of our relationship when Nancy took me to the mall, she would no longer even consider doing such a cruel thing any more than she'd throw a kitten into a drying machine, I'd walk beside her like an extra in The Walking Dead, and meeting the eyes of some other poor creature of my gender, we'd exchange glances of fellow misery like the lost souls in hell.  Sometimes shopping must be done, but the thought of actually inviting friends to come along makes no more sense than inviting them with you to the dentist.  Hell, the main reason I like online shopping is even I don't have to be there.

So there you have it.  Our entire species in peril because men and women see shopping so differently.  I, who see shopping as a sign of God's punishment on our fallen race, and Chrisele who's looking forward to doing it with four friends.

Excuse me, I have to lie down now.  I'm feeling faint.