Man Martin's Blog, page 175

Bored Games

Hasbro is holding a Facebook contest to eliminate one of the eight tokens that identify the players and introduce a new one. Possible new tokens include a cat, diamond ring, guitar, toy robot and helicopter.  It's the latest effort by the toymaker to jazz up the game which debuted almost eight decades ago. -  Mae Anderson, The Huffington Post The makers of Chess have decided to "add a little spice" to their centuries-old game by replacing one of the pieces with either a helicopter or a death-ray.  "We're probably going to dump the rook," a spokesman said, "not both of them just the one on the right.  Our focus group says people are just sick of looking at it."   The new piece would not move like a traditional rook either.  In the case of a helicopter, it could fly overhead and either take reconnaissance or drop things on the other pieces.  The death-ray would blast not only other pieces, but even the opponent.  "Not enough to kill him," the spokesman explains, "but it would sure sting like heck.  It'd make the game a lot more challenging."Scrabble, which has had the same twenty-six letters for the last sixty years is due for a makeover, according to executives at Mattel.  "We're rolling out some whole new letters this season.  Smurg, for example, and Krowl.  All in all,there'll be ten new tiles, and not just letters, but special messages like, 'punch your opponent in the arm as hard as you can,' or 'run around the house shouting, 'whoopee!'" The Four of Clubs has outlived its usefulness, at least according to Hoyle, the leading manufacturer of playing cards.  "The other fifty-one cards are dandy," a CEO says.  "Even the Three of Clubs, which really is kind of a dud as far as I'm concerned, is used all the time by magicians.  But the Four of Clubs.  Feugh."  Accordingly, Hoyle plans to replace it with something more "hip" or "dope," like the Twenty-Eight of Cats, or possibly the Jack of Nerds.

Sorry, Charlie

Charlie Sheen is calling LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa a liar. Villaraigosa said he only spent three minutes with the actor in Cabo, but Sheen says the mayor partied with him and hot chicks for hours in the actor's hotel suite. "He's a terrific guy, a great Mayor and he can drink with the best of 'em: Me. Quite a memorable night indeed," Sheen continued, adding that there was at least one porn star among other hot women in the hotel room. - Huffington Post

"Benny is either crazy or flat-out lying," Sheen said of Pope Benedict's claim he met the TV star "only briefly."  Sheen says he and the pontiff spent an entire week end at an Italian villa Sheen was leasing for the summer.  He was telling me all sorts of personal things - his childhood in Bavaria, what a bore the Hitler youth was, a tattoo he got as a teenager."  Sheen added that there among the other guests, at least two were porn stars.'

"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a swell guy and kay-ar-ay-zee-why crazy," Sheen remarked.  "I don't know why he's denying this."  Ahmadinejad claims he and the star of Two and a Half Men, "never met, not even once," and that he "never even watches that show.  I've heard about it, but never seen it."  Sheen maintains he and the Iranian president spent an evening partying in Sheen's Cairo hotel room, with about sixty "sexy chicks" forty or so of whom "were definitely porn stars, or at least said they were."  Ahmadinejad says if he ever did meet Sheen, "It was only to call him a decadent American cultural imperialist and to say his show stinks."

Dr. Phil says he has "absolutely no idea what Charlie, I mean, Mr. Sheen is talking about," regarding a night the two allegedly spent together in Las Vegas.  "Phil is a great guy, a swell doc, and a huge babe magnet.  Just like me," Sheen says.  Sheen tweeted at photo of himself and the talk-show host with the tag, "How's that workin' for ya?"  "I'll never forget it," Sheen says, "we hit the slots, drank Jell-O shooters, and then went to the IHOP, where I'm pretty sure our waitress was a porn star."

Tanks for the Memories

If any private citizen was going to possess their own tank, obviously it would be Arnold Schwarzenegger.  But it’s not just for joy rides and smashing cars.  It’s a tank that does have personal meaning to him, and he uses it for an altruistic purpose...  The tank was “exactly the very tank that I drove in the Austrian Army when I was 18 years old.”As an incentive for inner-city kids to stay in school and off the streets, he invites groups of students up to the ranch to take rides with him.  - Matt McDaniel, MovieTalk at Yahoo! Movies
Florida Governor Rick Scott says proudly, "They can have my M203 Grenade Launcher when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers."  The grenade launcher isn't just for fun, though, or going python-hunting in the Everglades, it has a deep personal meaning for the governor, and he uses it for charitable purposes.  "This was the only part of the army's Special Purpose Individual Weapons Project to go into production," Scott says, wiping a tear from his eye.  "It mounts on a rifle barrel so you can switch back and forth between launching grenades and shooting bullets."  As an incentive for senior citizens to stay off Medicare, Rick invites groups of old folks out to the Everglades to hunt pythons.Arizona Governor Jan Brewer will tell you having a private nuclear submarine isn't just fun, "It's an important part of my day.  Cruising around down there is peaceful, serene.  It's my 'me' time.  On top of which it's a great incentive for Arizona's top law enforcement officers."  Brewer takes selected officers on excursions in the Gulf of California, the nearest navigable water.  When asked if taking her sub out for a spin isn't violating Mexico's sovereign waters, Brewer responds with a wink and a smile, "That's for me to know and them to find out."Rick Perry may be the only governor in America who has his own Stealth Bomber.  "I haven't checked yet," Perry says but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one.  Of course, it's hard to know since it's a Stealth Bomber.  It's like wearing camo pants.  People don't think you're wearing pants at all."  Perry says the bomber's not just for fun, "though it is a blast."  He invites selected teenage girls for rides as an incentive in his abstinence program.  "It's just my little way of saying thank you for not getting pregnant, and to let them know the biggest thrill of all isn't ess-ee-ex, it's finding Jesus.  That and flying in a Stealth Bomber."

More Court Rulings Conceivable

Sperm donor for lesbian couple’s baby ordered by court to pay child support, vows to fight ruling A Kansas judge has decided that a contract between William Marotta, Angela Bauer and Jennifer Schreiner is void because the insemination wasn’t performed by a licensed physician. - Adam Edelman, New York Daily News



Blues recording artist Percy Sledge is vowing to fight a court order he pay 250 million in back child support on behalf of thousands of children conceived between 1966 and 1968 to the tune of Sledge's hit single, "When a Man Loves a Woman."  "Except in cases where a licensed physician had played the music," the court ruled, "Mr. Sledge is clearly a party to the pregnancy."
Randy "Doc" Maloof, Panama City Beach bartender, faces a court order to pay an unspecified amount of child support for his role in thirty or more pregnancies.  "His invention, the Tequila Fanny Banger, is directly responsible for a sudden surge in unplanned births in December of 2008, babies conceived during Spring Break of 2008," a judge ruled.  "Furthermore, his license as a 'Mixologist,' does not qualify him as a bona-fide physician, his nickname notwithstanding."


The heirs of Moses "Moe" Nadler, founder of the Canadian Corset Company, face a court judgement for tens of millions of dollars in child support because of Nadler's 1935 patent of an underwire push-up brassiere commonly known as "The Wonderbra."  "Although substantially increasing the sexual attractiveness of relatively flat-chested woman," a judge ruled, "it is not a medical device, nor is there any reason to believe these garments were put on with a doctor's supervision."

Baby Names for Kim Jong-Un and Ri Sul-Ju

Lamentations of the New Year

And in those days did many resolve to change their ways and make their lives better, for it was January 1, 2013, and they said unto themselves, "Lo, for today is the first day of the rest of the year."

And in that land there dwelt one who said, "Lo, I shall go to the gym and get myself back in shape."

And he went unto the gym and did the nautilus and the stairmaster, and even though there were many there who were better shape than he who were clearly much older, he did not lose heart.  Rather, he reaffirmed his resolve all the more.  And the evening and the morning and the first day.

And on the second day, he went unto the gym again, for although his muscles were sore and he walked like unto an injured duck, so that his wife remarked unto him, "Didst thou pull something?  Thou walkest like unto an injured duck," he said unto himself, "This is a good pain," and hardened his resolve all the more.  Only this day he did not do the nautilus for he thought he remembered having read somewhere thou shalt not do weights but thrice a week, but only the stairmaster, only not so much as the day before.

And in that gym there dwelt people who were lean and hard, and whose body mass index would just make thee sick to look upon, and one of them who looked like she couldn't have been more than eighteen, did ascend the stairmaster next to him and did give him funny looks out of the corner of her eye as they were running, for lo, he was huffing mightily and sweating like unto a pig.

And on the way home did he spy a Dunkin Donuts, which though not as good as Krispee Kreme art not an abomination by a long shot, for when hast thou ever had a bad donut?  And besides, donuts are nutritious for athletes containing health-giving carbs.  And he bought a dozen and ate them in the car, throwing the empty box in the neighbor's trashcan lest his wife should behold it and say unto him, "Lo, hast thou eaten a dozen donuts?  Hast thou lost thy tiny mind?"  And the evening and the morning and the second day.

And on the third day he meant to go unto the gym, he really did, he had his gym bag packed and everything, but instead he went to Dunkin Donuts and ate donuts and drank coffee for the approximate length of time it would have taken him to work out.  And when he returned unto the house he did not affirm he had been to the gym, neither did he deny it, but allowed his wife to draw her own conclusions.  And the evening and the morning and the third day.

And on the fourth day, his wife said unto him, "Art thou going to the gym today?" And he did not answer her, but only kept watching Homeland, for lo, it was an episode he had not seen yet.

And in the sixth month of that year, his wife rebuked him, "Are thou going to the gym again or not, for thou hast not been since January and there be no point in wasting good money in a membership if thou wilt not use it."  And he spoke harshly unto her, saying, "Alright, alright, if you don't want to support me, go ahead and cancel!  I try doing something for myself once in a while, get myself in shape, and see what happens!"

And so it came to pass the gym membership was cancelled and no more was spoken of it.

Amen.

To The Returns Department

Please find enclosed the following items for which I am requesting a full refund to be credited to my AMEX account.  They were presents from my so-called "True Love," which were delivered in installments over a period of a dozen days.  I am sure they were quite expensive, and while I do not wish to appear ungrateful, I have neither storage nor use for these items.  Frankly, I wish he'd just given me a gift certificate or even bought something for himself, such as personal therapy or medication of some sort.

On the Christmas day, I was somewhat taken aback but not displeased to find a potted fruit tree on my front stoop.  You can imagine my surprise when I discovered there was a bird nesting in it.  At first I thought the bird had taken up residence without the sender's knowledge, but the next day another fruit tree arrived with another bird.  "What is this, I thought?  The fruit-tree-of-the-month club?"  With the second fruit tree there were also two other birds which the packing slip indicates are turtle doves.  I began to see that birds were integral to the gift and maybe the point - if there is any point - to the whole thing.  Then, the third day, another fruit tree and more birds!  I called your shipping department to see if there were some sort of error, but no, I was definitely to receive a gift delivered in installments of twelve separate shipments.  When I heard there were twelve of these on the way, and that I'd only received the first three, I just about "lost it" I can tell you.  My requests to know in advance what was in store for me were denied, because the sender - who signed himself "True Love," wished it to be a "surprise."  No matter, because I'd already divined the general outlines of his gift-giving scheme and now only had to wait for more gifts to arrive in which, I surmised, the bird motif to heavily predominate.

Nor was I mistaken.

The following day, I received yet more birds in addition to duplicates of all the gifts I had already received.  By this point I already had four fruit trees and seventeen birds.

When I received five golden rings the next day, I was somewhat mollified, although I wish my True Love had laid greater stress on the ring department and not so thoroughly exploited the gift-bird theme, but then the next day - you guessed it, more birds!  Geese, this time, and not any old geese but geese of a highly fertile and fecund nature.  I am not fond of eggs in any case, and goose eggs, in case you are unfamiliar with them, are exceptionally large and have an unpleasantly gamy flavor, picked up, I assume from their passage through a goose's cloaca.  On top of this, I received the usual menagerie as well as five more golden rings which did little to reduce my annoyance.

Then, as if geese and all these other fowl weren't enough, swans arrive in their own portable wading pool.  Swans, while beautiful, turn out to have very nasty temperaments, and one of them chased a neighbor's child down the street.  The child slipped on a recently-laid goose egg and the parents are now suing me for damages.  Thanks a lot, True Love.

I am not a religious person, but that night I can tell you I prayed to Sweet Jesus that my True Love would let up with the birds for a little bit, which he did, which goes to show be careful what you ask for because the next day I get eight maids a-milking.

This is how they are described on the packing slip, although no mention is made that since they are in the process of milking, they also arrive each with an individual cow.  I think this is something you should provide a warning about on both the package and your site: WARNING: MAY CONTAIN COWS!

What came on the following days made me pine for some nice, relatively quiet birds or even for more cows, which, although they have ruined my carpet, at least stay in one place.  Full-grown men and women who seem to be either on crack or else have hyperactive disorder came and began forthwith laying waste to my furniture.  The women, at least, seem to be dancing, but the men, I am not making this up, just jump.  That's all they do.  They jump.  And they don't stop jumping morning or night, nor do the drummers and pipers, who arrived on the following days, stop drumming and piping.

It would not be fair to describe my house as bedlam.  Bedlam would be heaven itself compared to this hell of birds, livestock, and lunatics.

Please forgive me, I did not mean to go off like that.  I have been under considerable stress lately.  I have directed the post office to deliver no further "gifts" from your address and filed a restraining order against my True Love.  In spite of everything, I wish him only the best and hope he gets help soon, I truly do.

Meanwhile, I wish to return these items:

Twelve pear trees with partridges, twenty-two turtle doves, thirty French hens, thirty-six Colly(?) birds (this is what the packing slip claims, though I have never heard of such a thing), forty-two geese, one gross and two dozen goose eggs, forty-one swans (one of them had to be put down having attacked the neighbor's child), forty maids a-milking (with COWS), thirty-six ladies dancing, thirty lords a leaping, twenty-two pipers piping, and twelve drummers drumming.

The forty golden rings I am keeping.

Missing Romanov Jewels

Four previously undiscovered photos of undocumented Russian Crown Jewels were recently discovered in the USGS library... a sapphire and diamond tiara, a sapphire bracelet, an emerald necklace, and a sapphire brooch in the shape of a bow.  Researchers have determined that the sapphire brooch was sold in London in 1927, but the fate of the other three pieces is a mystery to this day... United States Geological Survey Reports



"Nice yard sale.""Thanks.""You doing this all weekend?""Just today.""Got any baby clothes?""Sold out.""Oh, well.  How much for this toaster?""Two bucks fifty.""How much for that tiara over there?""Seven hundred eighty-five thousand one hundred nineteen.""Whoo.  Pretty steep, isn't it?""It's crusted with sapphires and diamonds.""Yeah, but where am I going to wear it?""Do you want it or not?"  (Silence)  "I'll tell you what, I'll let you have the tiara and the toaster for seven hundred eighty-five thousand one hundred twenty bucks even.""I don't know...  Does the toaster work?""Make it twenty-five and I throw in the matching bracelet.""Hmmm.  I don't know.  I'm going to walk over here and look at these old albums...  Hey!  The Lovin' Spoonful!  How much for this?""Five fifteen.""Okay, I'll take this and... how much for the toaster again?""Two fifty.""I don't know.  It looks busted to me.""Tell you what, I'll let the album go, and the toaster, and the tiara with the matching bracelet for seven hundred eighty-five thousand one hundred thirty.""Throw in that emerald bracelet and you got yourself a deal.""I couldn't possibly let that go for less than thirty thou.""So you're saying I can have the Lovin' Spoonful, the toaster - which by the way, I'm pretty sure is busted - the tiara, the matching bracelet, and the emerald necklace for eight hundred fifteen thousand one hundred thirty?""Will you throw in that See Rock City Birdhouse?""No.""What about the Beary Garcia Beanie Baby?""Nope.  That's my deal.  Take it or leave it.""Okey doke.  Uh-oh.""What is it?""Will you take a check?"

Neil Armstrong's Notebook

In a rare interview three months after the NASA pioneer's death, his brother, Dean, recalled that Neil showed him a written version of the speech months before the Apollo 11 launch, clearly stating, 'that's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.' This runs contrary to Armstrong's own public pronouncements that he decided on the iconic two lines after landing on the moon - but does back up the twin theories that either a) Armstrong flubbed his lines when he lowered himself down the lunar module's ladder or b) static covered the sound of the 'a' as Armstrong maintained. Nonetheless, the hundreds of millions who watched the landings never heard the crucial 'a' in Armstrong's speech, which created decades of debate over whether the first man on the moon actually said what he claims he meant to. - James Nye, The Daily Mail Online

Our Consuming Culture

The Arm Pillow, and The Lap Pillow are designed to give that comforting sense of a loved one nearby while one sleeps.  In the case of the lap pillow, the loved on is kneeling on the bed.

But why stop there?






The Chatterbox: Produces a steady stream of feminine white noise on a variety of topics - your personal shortcomings, the tv show "Parenthood," clothes, relationships, and miscellaneous jibber-jabber - to which you can insert an occasional "yes," "uh-huh," "right," or just ignore entirely as you go about your day.

What's-That-Smell Air Freshener: Now you can have those comforting masculine scents around your house any time.  Comes in Gym Sock, Fart, and Unidentifiable Funk aromas.

Damn-It-I-Just-Cleaned-In-Here Personal Robot: A reverse-engineered Roomba has been designed to randomly strew soiled whitey-tighties, dirty dishware, and food randomly through the house.  At the touch of a button, it will apologize and promise to "do better," but then it's right back at it, constantly undoing your housework.