Man Martin's Blog, page 133

The Ides of March

It is difficult to imagine Caesar coming up with snappy
Latin epigrams in this predicament.  Brutus, on the far right,
seems to be holding his dagger the wrong way around. Perhaps
he intends to bonk Caesar on the head.On this date, in 44 BC, Julius Caesar was stabbed to death by as many as sixty senators.  Shakespeare claims Caesar was stabbed thirty-three times, but Suetonius and Plutarch say it was only twenty-three. [1]   Some of the killers stabbed each other.  They didn't mean to, but with that many daggers around, someone's bound to get hurt. [2]

Some say Caesar's last words were "Et tu Brute" because he was so surprised to see his best frenemy among the killers.   According to Shakespeare these are Caesar's next to last words; after saying this, Caesar says, "Then fall Caesar.” [3]  Plutarch, however, says Caesar's last words, were "Brother, help!"  This seems more probable.  When being stabbed to death, you don't have time to come up with snappy Latin epigrams.  Moreover, Brutus stabbed Caesar in the groin.  This fact by itself probably caused Caesar more consternation than the identity of the stabber.  Caesar's likely last words were, "Aaarghhh," or the Latin equivalent.

Caesar was assassinated because he was about to be crowned King of Rome, which pretty much amounted to King of Earth.  Some people resent it when you try to make something of yourself.  Caesar had risen to supreme power after his rival and former triumvir, Pompey, fled to Egypt where he was killed by King Ptolemy’s henchmen.  Outraged at this treatment of a Roman citizen, Caesar executed Ptolemy and annexed Egypt.  The whole time Caesar’s legions had been pursuing Pompey across the known world for the purpose of forgiving him. [4] 

After Caesar’s death, there was a long bloody civil war, and then a second Triumvirate arose. [5]  When the Triumvirs whittled down, the last one standing, Octavius, revealed that all along he’d been Caesar’s adopted son and chosen heir.  This made everyone feel a lot better.  After that, there were no more triumvirates, and it was just one Caesar after another.  Caesar is a last name, but it became the word for "king" in at least three languages: Kaiser and Czar are both derived from Caesar. [6] 

***

1. Even if we take Shakespeare's number, with sixty killers, there weren't enough wounds to go around, so some of the conspirators must have shared.  
2. Stabbing someone is something that can only safely be carried out by one, or at most three people at a time.  With any number much larger than that, you're just asking for trouble.
3. This is typical of Caesar, who liked to talk about himself in third person.  He would have spoken himself in fourth person, but it wasn't possible.
4. This is the kind of magnanimity is part of what made Caesar so beloved.
5. It worked as well first one. 
6. We can be glad his last name wasn’t Featheringstonehaugh.

Tax Season Horribles: The IRS

What are these creatures that suddenly come out of nowhere and what do they want from us?  They are the Irs, and what they want is our money.  Anywhere between ten to forty percent.  Do not try to hide from the Irs, there is no hiding from the Irs.  Give them whatever they demand and hope they go away.

Acromania

An Executive Confronted by a Pouncing Tiger
Attempts to Come Up with an Acronym to Fit His SituationGood morning, everyone.

You may remember GAM, or Growth Achievement Model, which was the paradigm which we used last year to forecast the next year's paradigm and now next year's paradigm is this year and this year's paradigm is last year.  So here we are.

Looking at the data, we can see in per cap unit sales our target was 84.  This year, which is to say last year, we achieved 54 and next year, which is this year, we're projected to be at 55.  This is a gain of approximately 1.  When it comes to relative distribution per unit costs the target was to hold the line at 72.  Last, this, year was 77, and next, this, year 78.  This is a change of between 1 and 3.  Does everyone see where I'm getting these numbers?  This is a good change.  No wait.  It's bad.  I was looking at it backward.  No wait.  It's good.  No, I was right in the first place.  I was wrong.  It's bad.

So where do we go from here?

No, Bob, it's not time for lunch.  Ha-ha.

As you know, our CEO has tremendous faith in the potential of acronyms to make a positive change in our performance.  There's nothing like a good snappy acronym to make you feel like you're accomplishing something and moving forward without actually having taken any action.  Also, being easy to remember, acronyms are perfectly suited to the diminished intellectual capacity of most of our employees.

The next step is ADADADA, which stands for Analyzing Data And Devising Another Damn Acronym.  We're hiring a consultant group at great cost to examine our company with a fine-tooth comb and hang out in the break room trying to score with chicks and then determine what acronyms our company will need and generate them for us.  These will then be implemented by MAMAMAMAMNSW, which stands for Memorizing Acronyms and Making Acronyms Meaningful Although Most Acronyms Make No Sense Whatsoever.  That acronym uses the word acronym several times, which I know is kind of confusing, but that's just another reason we need this consultant group.

Completely Pointless

This Picture Has Absolutely Nothing to do
with Today's BlogSo, Mr. Martin, what do you blog about when you don't have any ideas?

Sit right there, Billy, and I'll explain it to you.

You see, little Timmy, I've made a commitment to write a blog every day, whether I have anything to blog about or not.  That's called responsibility.  It could also be called completely pointless.  But whatever you call it, by golly, I'm...  OK, I started that last sentence without knowing how to get out of it.  Let's move on.

The good thing is, that if I don't have anything to blog about, I can blog about that.  This is called being "meta."  You could also call this completely pointless.  You could call it U over Y and see where that gets you.

Hopefully, tomorrow, an idea will come to me.  It could be almost anything.  Maybe a kitten will do something adorable.  Maybe a world leader will make a putz of himself.  Maybe there will be unrest in the Ukraine.  Time will tell.  If not, then I'll just crank out another doozy like this one.

Bible Stories: Elisha

Things I've Learned Since Turning 54

For Example, I've Learned 54-Year-Olds are Much
Better Looking than I ThoughtI've learned a lot now that I'm 54.  For example, I've learned 54-year-old people are fascinating.  No, really, I used to think anyone older than thirty probably didn't have much of interest to say to anyone, but it turns out the opposite is true.  Get a bunch of 54-year-olds together and listen to them talk about gum disease or the benefits of Simvastin versus Lipitor.  Drop by sometime, and we'll talk about retirement.  You'll be hanging on every word!

And we're better looking than I thought, too.  I used to think liver spots, baldness, and that saggy skin around the jaw was repulsive, but now I see it's distinguished.

And I used to think the music they listened to was so lame.  But now I see it differently.  Let's face it, Bing Crosby and the Andrew Sisters can flat sing!  "Don't Fence Me In" and "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree (With Anyone Else but Me)" those are toe-tapping, hip-hopping tunes.  I just can't get enough of them.  I'm putting them on my iPod as soon as my daughter shows me how.

What a bunch of fuddy-duddies I thought those old farts were.  Now, though, I'm on the other side of the coin.  "Whew, it's almost eight-forty-five," I say.  "That's enough party for me.  Time to hit the ol' hay."

It took me this long to figure out how to get the most out of life. How to go for the gusto.  Lately, I've been looking into the "Early Bird Special" at Denny's.  By the way, does anyone know where I can get a complete DVD set of Matlock?

Supper Plans

While they were eating, Jesus took the bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to his disciples, saying "Take and eat, for this is my body."

And Andrew, brother of Peter, said, "Ugh.  That is disgusting."

Bartholomew said, "It is just a metaphor, dummy."

And Andrew said, "I know that.  It is just the thought."

And Phillip said, "You know what I think is dumb?  We are all sitting on the same side of the table."

James the Elder said, "Is that bread gluten-free, Lord?  For my doctor says I may not eat of bread unless it be gluten-free."

James the Lesser said, "Just eat the bread and stop being such a baby."

John the Beloved Disciple said, "I will have James' if he does not want it.  It looks yummy."

James the Lesser said, "I want my bread.  Who said I didn't want my bread."

And John the Beloved Disciple said, "I was talking about James the Elder."

And Jesus said, "Listen everybody, we are really getting off track."

Matthew said, "Is this all we are having?  Bread and wine?  Has anyone counted these carbs?"

And Mary Magdalene said, "I spend all day slaving over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get."

And John the Beloved Disciple said, "It looks delicious, Mary."

And Matthew said, "Oh, thank you.  Bread.  Big deal.  You did not even leaven it."

Bartholomew said, "It is supposed to be unleavened bread, idiot.  This is the Feast of Unleavened Bread."

"Can everyone stop arguing?" said John the Beloved Disciple.  "Just once, can not we have a nice supper without arguing?"

And Jesus said, "I need everyone to focus here."

Simon called Peter said, "Everyone shut up.  Jesus has something he wants to say."

"Thank you, Peter," said Jesus, "now take this cup for this is my blood."

And Andrew said, "Oh, gross."

Bartholomew said, "It is a metaphor, stupid."

Andrew said, "I know that.  It is still disgusting.  Why can not he come up with a nicer metaphor?"

"You could have put a little leaven in it," Matthew said.  "It would not have hurt."

James the Elder said, "The doctor says in addition to gluten, I mayst also not eat of bread that has leaven."

And James the Younger said, "Quit being such a baby."

Jesus wept.

Julius Caesar x 40

I have just finished reading Julius Caesar for the fourth time.  This year.

This is because I read it with each of my tenth grade English classes.  I don't have an exact count, but conservatively I'd estimate I've read Julius Caesar about forty times.  I've probably read Romeo and Juliet at least ten.

The thing about re-reading Shakespeare so many times, you really do keep making new discoveries.  Of course, I'll always have my favorite parts - Cassius' noble suicide, Decius' wonderful comments on flattery, and of course Marc Antony's funeral oration - but then there are little gems I never picked up on until this reading.

For example, there's the arrival of the Thamadorians in the fifth act.  If you don't read closely, you'd skip right over it, but right after the parley before the battle, Octavius comments on "yon jeweled orb which doth amaze the sight."  This turns out to be the Thamadorian Mother Ship and Octavius converses with Throgar the Thamadorian Overlord about the coming battle.  (In a delicious piece of Shakespearean irony, when Octavius later describes the encounter, Antony accuses him of being drunk!)

Of course we know what Antony does not, given the perspective of history, that the Thamadorians have a stake in the rise of the Triumvirate, and their intercession - though brief - will play a decisive role in the battle, when their cloaking rays - or as Shakespeare terms them - "the beams that do confound the hapless eye" - lead Pindarus to believe Tititinius has been overcome by Antony's troops, when in fact, he has been welcomed by Brutus'.

Again, Throgar and the Thamadorians are only a minor aspect of a magnificent play, and one can derive great pleasure without ever even noticing them, but, like the zombie who appears in the penultimate scene of Romeo and Juliet, it is one of those additional little marvels that make Shakespeare such an enduring presence in our culture.

Traits of Creative People

Creative People Frequently Have Stains They Can Not Account ForMy friend Krista Seckinger posted a Huffington Post article about traits of creative people, which seems to be accurate as far as it goes, but to my mind, leaves some things out.  Whatever else can be said about me, I think it must be admitted I am creative.  Even my High School algebra teacher admitted this.  "One thing I can say about your answers," she would write on my tests, "is they certainly are creative."  So what are the other traits of creative people?  Here, then, is my own list?

They Frequently Have Stains on their Shirts Which They Have No Idea Where They Came From.  Take for example, right now.  It's six-thirty and yet I already have a stain which appears to be barbecue sauce.  However it tastes like bearnaise.  Barbecue sauce is red, and bearnaise is pale amber.  I have had neither in at least a month.  Mysterious.

They Are Often Funny Without Intending to Be.  This happens to me all the time.  Everyone will crack up after I say something perfectly serious.

They Really Love Skittles Candy.  I don't know if this is true of all creative people or just me.  But seriously, have you tried Skittles?  They're delicious.

They Look a Whole Lot Better Standing in Front of the Mirror Than They Do in Photographs.  Look at a picture of the slouching, pot-bellied middle aged man that I appear to be, then come to my house and stand beside me while I'm in front of a mirror.  My posture is better, my stomach is flat, and I could swear, I even have more hair.  I can't explain how this is possible, but it's true.

They Form This Weird Gunk in the Corners of Their Mouths When They Sleep.  I don't know if this has anything to do with creativity, but it's something I've noticed.

Their Spouses Tell Lies About Them.  I regret to say this, but it cannot be denied.  For example, Nancy, whom I love dearly in spite of all her faults, has the persistent delusion that I snore.  All my arguments to the contrary have failed to persuade her.

A Few Worst Case Scenarios

SWALLOWED BY ALLIGATOR: Carry a piece of fatback tied to a string.  As you go down the alligator's gullet, loop the string over its snout.  Once in the belly, swallow the fatback, and chew the string until you're out again.

ATTACKED BY GREAT WHITE SHARK: The classic response to this scenario is to punch the shark in the nose.  This way, when you get to heaven, you'll be able to tell everyone you punched a shark in the nose.

BRAZILIAN WANDERING SPIDER: The most venomous spider on earth, the Brazilian Wandering Spider seeks out dark places during the day, such as people's shoes.  It is notoriously aggressive when surprised.  The good news is, there are none around here.  They don't wander that far.  When in Brazil, have a buddy try on your shoes for you.  An ounce of prevention.

KILLER BEES: When attacked by killer bees, drop, tuck, and roll.  Come to think of it, that's the instructions for fire.  Oh, what the heck, it should work for bees too.  Try it out.