Man Martin's Blog, page 131

E is for Electric Eel

E is for Electric Eel.

When I was little, I thought electric eels weren't real things, but something people just made up, like flying horses and cockapoos.  But it turns out they really do exist, and they really kill their prey with electricity, and if you touch one, it'll zap you.  They live in the Orinoco River Basin, which alongside Australia, must be one of the coolest places in the world, because that's where you'll also find piranha, fresh-water dolphins, and those army ants that can overrun your entire plantation like in that movie.

It's actually not an eel, but a knifefish, but that seems nit-picky because the main thing is, it's definitely electric.  It's not like an electric-blue tetra that really is a tetra, but gets its name just for its color.  Electric eel or electric knifefish, no matter how you slice it, is electric, but don't try slicing it because buzzz---zap! 

The electric eel has three pairs of organs that produce electricity: one is Hunter's Organ, the other is Sach's Organ, and the third is just called the main organ.  (You biologists out there, there's an entire organ waiting to be named after you.)  Like I said, the eels have three sets of these organs, which take up most of the body, and can produce a current of up to 500 watts.  The organs are modified nerve or muscle tissue, which conduct electro-chemical charges even in us, but electric eels take this to extremes.

Even so, the shock of an electric eel is not enough to kill a human, which I find strangely disappointing.  The electric eel is that last of its genus.  Its relatives, the knifefish, produce electric current for navigation and communication, but they're not as cool as the electric eel.  Wikipedia, which is the source of all information, lists the electric eel's conservation status as "least concern."  I'm not sure whether this means we have an ample population of electric eels or no one would be especially concerned if they died out.

D is for Dodo

D is for Dodo.

If you're not very smart, don't know how to hide, and are harmless and the least bit edible, the dodo is a good example of what will happen to you.

Dutch sailors marveled when they discovered the bird in 1589.  "They're completely unafraid of us!  What a bunch of simpletons!  I wonder if they're edible!"

They named the bird, Dodo, meaning "simpleton," or else possibly "fat ass," instead of say, Yummy-Bird, because although it was edible, it was nothing to write home about.  Perhaps if the dodo had been better tasting, it would be with us today.  Then we would have bred it.

The first recorded human encounter with the dodo is indicative of what would become of them later.  The sailors managed to corner a group of these and seized one by the foot, it made a "great noise" at which the other dodos "came running to its assistance."  What a bunch of flightless birds thought they could do against Dutch sailors molesting one of their friends is unclear, but these sorts of good intentions only get you in trouble, survival-of-the-species-wise.

Within a hundred years after their discovery, the dodo was extinct: prey to invasive species such as dogs, rats, and humans, and particularly zoologists, who were eager to get a taxidermied specimen of their own before supplies ran out.  Also, I forgot to mention, the dodo laid one egg at a time.  Really, it's remarkable they lasted as long as they did.  They must not have been very good-tasting.

Now other animals are discovering how dangerous humans are even if you are clever, a good hider, and bad to eat, but dodos were the first to go, making them the poster child for extinction.  Or at least they would be the poster child if we knew what they looked like.  The preserved specimens fell to pieces hundreds of years ago, and the drawings don't agree with each other.  The dodo is so dead, our collective memory of them is gone as well.  You can't get much more extinct than that.

C is for Cuttlefish

If you've ever seen a cuttlefish, it's only because he wanted you to see him.  Calling cuttlefish "chameleons of the sea," gives too much credit to chameleons.  Cuttlefish can look any way they want.  In seconds, they can render themselves invisible against any surface by changing not only the color and pattern, but texture of their skin.  This makes drawing one both easier and more difficult.  No one can accuse me of drawing it wrong, because no one, not even the cuttlefish, knows what they really look like.  If I make one blue with pink stripes, I can just say that's how this particular cuttlefish chose to look at the time.  If I'd wanted, I could've given it a big funny nose and Groucho Marx glasses.

Cuttlefish are perhaps the most intelligent marine animal.  If you know anything about Darwin, you'd know that anything that's a master of disguise and highly intelligent must be dee-licious.  Anything good-tasting that's stupid and doesn't know how to hide, gets eaten up.  Witness the dodo.

Cuttlefish have three hearts, which seems excessive in anything so small.  Their blood is blue and their pupils are shaped like little Ms.  They use jet propulsion and squirt ink.

When they mate, a male stands guard over his female to protect against unauthorized entry, but certain sly bachelor cuttlefish have found a way around this; they will make themselves look like a female cuttlefish and thus slip by unchallenged.  The male cuttlefish thinks, "Oh, that's just a female.  No harm in her.  The missus must be having some friends over."  Then once they've duped the husband, they reveal themselves to the female and make sweet, sweet cuttlefish love.

So you male cuttlefish out there, beware.  Even when a female gives her heart away, she still has two to spare.

B is for Brontosaurus

The Brontosaurus lived between 150 and 154 million years ago, one of the largest dinosaurs, yet gentle, inoffensive and plant-eating, with a long graceful neck.  Or at least it would have been these things, if it had ever existed.  There is no such thing as a brontosaurus.  There never was.

The brontosaurus was put together in 1877 by Yale Paleontologist Othniel Charles Marsh who'd discovered the complete skeleton of an apatosaurus minus the skull.  Ever the resourceful one, Marsh simply stuck on a skull from an entirely different dinosaur.  He named his creation brontosaurus, or "thunder lizard."  Later Marsh came across an entire apatosaurus, this time with the skull intact.  The name he gave it means "deceptive lizard," which is pretty ironic.  He must've been thinking, "Say, this thing looks almost exactly like a brontosaurus, except for the h...  Uh-oh."

A is for Armadillo

The name Armadillo means "little armored one."  The Aztecs called them "turtle rabbits."  In the southeast, they are mockingly referred to as "possum on a half-shell."  Inspiring whimsical nicknames is their only known practical use.

Armadillos are shy, nocturnal, live in burrows, and eat worms and insects.  Armadillos are not attractive animals and in spite of having very poor eyesight, they seem to know it.  They do not share burrows, and when they mate, the female will delay impregnating herself for up to six months.  How this is possible, I can't explain, but ask yourself how quickly you'd want to get pregnant if you'd been inseminated by an armadillo.

Armadillos are also edible, but there is a high correlation between armadillo meat and leprosy. The methodology of this data, however, is rather slipshod.  We are left to wonder if eating armadillos causes leprosy, or if lepers just happen to eat a lot of armadillo.  There are insufficient numbers of lepers or armadillo-eaters for a really conclusive study, so the world's curiosity about this may go forever unsatisfied.

At any rate, there is no shortage of armadillos.  We have lots of those.  Although all species originated in South America, they are no longer confined there.  Not by a long shot.  They have been spotted as far north as Illinois.  One armadillo expert believes they may be traveling by train.  (This particular armadillo expert lives in Michigan, which is as far from Armadillo-Central as you can get, which ought to tell you something.)

The armadillo is the only surviving member of the Order of Cingulata, which sounds pretty impressive until you realize that the entire order basically consisted of different sizes of armadillos.  The smallest armadillo is the Pink Fairy Armadillo, which is not nearly as adorable as it sounds, and the largest was the now extinct glyptodont which was just another armadillo, except it was as big as a car.

One last fact about armadillos: when alarmed, they jump straight up into the air.  This means, if you drive over one, they may jump straight up into your engine.  Something you might want to keep in mind when driving at night.

The A-Z Challenge

To All The Readers of This Blog:

By now both of you have probably noticed the mysterious badge on the right side of the blog, featuring the letters A and Z.  "What is this mysterious badge?" you perhaps asked yourselves, "and why does it feature the letters A and Z?  Will Man Martin, in the fullness of time, reveal the answers to these questions?"
Yes, and the time is now.
Here's the skinny; I saw my friend and former teacher Valerie Storey had taken on the the A-Z Blogging Challenge, and I decided to do likewise.  During the month of April, I will blog on the Animal Kingdom, going in alphabetical order, starting with A is for Armadillo and ending with Z is for...  well, I'll let it be a surprise what animal Z will be.  Sundays, I'll blog on a different topic.

So tomorrow, when you see A is for Armadillo, you do not be astonished, and do not think this is an April Fool's prank.

The Glamorous Writing Life

Nancy and I have a simple and effective technique for weed control in the garden.  We cover the ground with a layer of newspaper, then cover the newspaper with leaves.  The newspaper acts as a biodegradable, water-permeable weed block.  By the next Spring, not a trace of it remains.

Unfortunately, this year, we didn't have enough newspaper to do the job, so I used pages a rough draft of my next novel, The Limongello Syndrome instead.  Here I am anchoring manuscript pages with dirt clods to keep them from blowing away before I cover them with dead leaves.

This is only a draft, and my agent now has the finished version; nevertheless, these pages represent years of my life spent writing this.

As I write this now, I am struggling for some further comment: a pun or witticism about the effect on the tomatoes, the nature of fame, or something.  But I have nothing more to offer than to show you the picture itself.

Be Glad You Don't Know

Graph Showing Inverse Relationship Between How Innocent
Something Seems and How Catastrophic It Actually IsIf you knew anything about this at all, you'd totally freaking freak out, so it's a good thing you don't know.  This is bigger than the whole crisis in Eastern Europe.  This makes Eastern Europe look like a jelly donut.  If Putin knew anything about this, he'd just put his tail between his legs and go home.  He'd be like, "I thought I was stirring up trouble, but I see now I was just bush league.  Amateur hour.  I feel like a jelly donut."

Ignorance is bliss, buddy, so don't even try to pry it out of me.  The less you know, the better, believe me.

Global Warming?  Don't make me laugh.  The extinction of entire species, the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef, droughts, floods, and famine.  Big deal.  This thing makes Global Warming look pathetic.  When this thing breaks, you'll say, "Man, I wish I could get me some Global Warming right now.  Global Warming was a picnic.  I never new how good we had it."  But don't even ask me to tell you about it.  It's better you go on living in your little dream world as long as possible.

Asteroid Doom?  Don't try guessing, you'll just embarrass yourself.  You know that movie where Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, and Billy Bob Thornton go up in a rocket ship and nuclear-blast a killer asteroid to smithereens before it destroys the earth, and then get away seconds before the bomb goes off, and they're cracking jokes and one-liners the whole time?   Well, if they made a movie about this thing, Bruce, Ben, and Billy Bob would just be huddled in a dark room crying.  That's it.  The whole movie would be them crying in despair.  Crying like babies.  That's how bad this is.

No, it's not a Zombie Apocalypse.  I wish it was a Zombie Apocalypse.  Okay, okay, I'll give you one little hint.  My Pretty Pony.  Think about it.  You know how the more terrible something is, the more it's associated with something completely banal and harmless?  Childlike even?  Like at the end of Ghostbusters, the thing that was going to destroy earth was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?   Okay, I know that was just a movie, but think about it.  There's a precise inverse relationship between how silly and harmless something seems and how devastatingly catastrophic it really is.  And the My Pretty Pony is just one aspect of this thing, the tip of the iceberg, the snout of the killer shark.

I won't tell you anymore.  If you have any sense, just the Pretty Pony detail is enough to wreck your peace of mind.  Okay, okay, I'll tell you one more detail.

Sparkles.

Understanding Georgia Law

It's Legal to Bring Your Gun to Church
if the Church Says It's OkayOkay, listen up, and I'll go through it one more time.

In Georgia you can take a gun just about anywhere you want, even a bar, although they won't serve you a drink if you have a gun.  They can ask you for proof of your age, but they can't ask for your gun permit.  You can take a gun to a church, if the church says it's okay, but they're not supposed to serve you communion wine, and if you're gay, they're not supposed to marry you, although there are some exceptions to the preceding rule, for example, if you're a gay man, it's lawful to marry a lesbian, but two gay men can't be married, or two lesbians, or two men who are heterosexual and don't love each other but are just getting married because it's something their parents want, or one heterosexual man, one heterosexual woman, and one lesbian, even if they have guns and even though that's really hot, but if they walk into a bar with a gun, that's okay; moreover, you can be arrested for having sex in pretty much any position except missionary, although this law is rarely enforced, and in Kennesaw you may be required to own a gun, and it is against the law for a man to stand naked in front of a sheep, although this is a very old law that still hasn't been taken off the books.  It is lawful to proudly display your Confederate flag because this is covered under free speech, also to go to a funeral with "God Hates Fags" signs, but in Florida you can't publish the names of anyone acquitted of manslaughter under the "Stand Your Ground Law."  (Florida is not Georgia, but it's one of the few remaining states that makes us feel good about ourselves.)  You can not have sex in a bar, even if it's in the missionary position, even if it's with your lawful spouse, and if you do so, someone may buy you a drink.  If you are an undocumented alien, you will not be allowed to have a driver's license.  If you are an undocumented alien without a driver's license and you are caught driving under the influence of alcohol, you will need to show documentation you didn't have a gun when you were getting drunk.  You can take a gun to the doctor's office, and he may still write you a prescription for a controlled substance that's way stronger than any alcohol and clearly states not to operate heavy machinery because even though, broadly speaking, a gun is a machine, it's not all that heavy compared to, say, a bulldozer, provided neither you nor the doctor is an undocumented alien even if the doctor is a lesbian who has been driving under the influence without proof of insurance or proudly displaying her Confederate flag.  If you are an undocumented alien, you may not get an insulin prescription, however, the emergency room will be happy to saw off your leg for you if it comes to that, and they will give you medication way stronger than any alcohol so you can drive home without a license to your gay gun-toting lover.  If you are a doctor who knowingly provides medication to undocumented aliens unless they have a gun pointed at you, you may be subject to arrest.  If you do not have a lawyer, one will be provided for you.  You may not buy alcohol on Sundays and holidays until you are 21 unless you are an undocumented alien or don't have money.  You must be 18 to buy a rifle or shotgun from a federally licensed dealer; however, you must have a hunting license if you are 14.  If you are a hunter under 14 you do not need a license.  If you are on privately owned land, you do not need a license at all, unless you're trespassing or gay.  If you are stopped by the police while driving under the influence of medication and you are in Kennesaw, they may ask to see your gun.  If you do not have a gun, one will be provided for you.  If you are an Irishman, a Rabbi, and a lawyer, and you walk into a bar together with a gun, you may be subject to a punchline.   If you are an underage gay undocumented alien who attends a funeral where people are waving signs saying, "God hates fags," and you proudly burn a Confederate flag, then you're really just asking for it, and I don't know what to tell you.

I hope this clears things up.

Text of Kissinger's Secret Lecture

(Salon) Yale graduate students were urged to respect the “confidentiality” of an upcoming lecture by controversial Ford/ Nixon Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, according to an email sent by an administrator and forwarded to Salon. “Dr. Kissinger’s visit to campus will not be publicized, so we appreciate your confidentiality with respect to this exciting opportunity,” states an all-bold paragraph sent by Larisa Satara, the associate director of Yale’s Jackson Institute for Global Affairs, to a private listserv for Yale history graduate students. The email, sent Monday morning, also tells students that the event “is BY INVITE only”; “There will be a check list at the front door”;  “Laptops are not permitted and Yale ID will be required for entry”; “This is a high security event”; and “All attendees will be expected to remain in their seats for the duration of the event …”

Okay, so to start with, I want to tell you some things that - Wait a minute.  Is that a cellphone?  Put that thing up!  You think I'm letting every Tom, Dick, and Schroeder in on this?  This is top-drawer stuff.  Now sit up and pay attention.  And no taking notes!  You commit this to memory and don't breathe another word to anyone.

Now, as I was saying, oysters.  When you go to shuck an oyster don't try to stick the oyster knife between its lips.  Yes, I know oysters don't have lips, idiot.  But I don't know what else to call it.  The front end.  Instead, stick the point of the blade in the back end, where it's kind of like a hinge.  Just stick the blade in there, twist, and...  Gott in himmel, put away that cellphone.  I told you once.  You're not fooling anyone.  I see it there under your desk.

Now where was I?  Bow ties.  Everyone wants to tie a bow tie all of a sudden.  (Laughs.)  It's so easy.  What you need is two bow ties.  They need to be exactly the same color.  I prefer black or baby blue.  One of them is just a clip-on and the other is a real bow tie like you have to tie.  When you go out, you wear the clip-on, and the other one's in your pocket.  And everyone who sees you is like, "Who's he think he's fooling with that bow-tie? Anyone can tell it's a clip-on, the knot's too perfect."  But then, towards the end of the evening, you slip into the bathroom and replace the clip-on with the real tie.  But you don't tie the real tie, you just let it hang loose around your collar, like you're just tired out at the end of the night and maybe a little uncomfortable from that perfect knot against your adam's apple, so now when everyone sees you, they're like...

Ach du lieber, how many times do I have to tell you!  I don't understand you people!  You pay this fancy tuition to be a Yale graduate student, and then you're ready to spill everything you know to every schmuck who goes to community college.  This is your last warning.

So.  Termites.  Here's a sure-fire way to prevent termites.  Nobody outside this room has ever heard this one.  First of all, you need a roll of contact paper with a wood-grain pattern.  This can be hard to come by, but there was still some at WalMart last time I went.  Now.  Wrap an ordinary brick in contact paper, and...

Okay, that's it!  I'm done.  If you can't respect the Secrecy Pledge you signed when you came in here after my security staff checked you ID's and did a retina-scan, you certainly don't deserve to hear from Henry Freaking Kissinger.  Your loss, suckers.  And I was going to tell you my special Putin joke, too.  No, don't bother apologizing, it's too late now.  You'll just have to wait until it's printed in The New Yorker and everyone knows it.  The punchline was a doozy, too.  It's "Crimea River."  Pretty slick, huh?  But it doesn't make sense without the rest of the joke.  So chew on that, losers.  I'm out of here.

Deuces.